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Mr Hitler

Prologue

We begin this tale with Mr Hitler standing trial before God and the millions of people he killed...

“Scheisse!!!” Mr Hitler exclaimed as he was in a blinding light, his was head throbbing, and his ears ringing loudly, before him was a light so bright it penetrated not only his mind but his entire body, he drunkenly tried to look but could see only this pure light… as if his confusion weren't enough then a voice echoed not around him but inside him, “so, Mr Hitler you have brought more death and destruction to humanity than any before or after you, you are quite literally the worst person in humanity’s history, and yet “he” is willing to spare you, you who directly brought the deaths of over 50 million people?” Hitler thought for a moment, but the voice continued “why should we not just cast you into the pit where you belong?” Mr Hitler immediately spoke “because my cause was right and just!” the voice laughed and said “you plunged earth into a darkness that lasted 200 years and you believe your cause was just?” another voice joined “they want you to burn Hitler, all the souls you destroyed, hundreds of millions are crying out demanding your sentence, but the father believes you should instead be given a second chance...”

Hitler puzzled by this asked “for what, I did what was right, If anything I should be given a second chance because I failed” as he spoke a the light turned red then oddly black, blacker than black, empty and void, before him was what he instantly knew was hell, he expected fire and brimstone, instead he felt nothing but an infinitely cold and empty void, pure and empty, the blackness was to consume him forever… Mr Hitler now terrified asked “what do you intend for me to do?” the voice responded “you will atone for your sins, and they are indeed more numerous than all mankind has ever committed in its history, you will live again, and you will remember everything, and you alone must find your atonement, and you shall not die until you do, if you fail then you shall be cast unto the pit, but if you succeed then you shall be forgiven...” Mr Hitler immediately sensing opportunity to save his own ass replied “ fine then I will do as you wish, just let me live I will not fail again” the voice responded “very well you shall be made anew and this will not only be your chance at atonement but it is also your punishment, for you shall adapt to a new world, or you shall fail” Hitler now overjoyed said “good then I will succeed, I shall bring the Jews to their destruction” the voice replied “that is why your facing judgement, because of your genocide, and besides there are no Jews where you are going...” Hitler now puzzled asked “wait what?” but was cut off as the light overtook him. Everything was white he had no body no mind nothing. Meanwhile he overheard the two voices talking yet in his nonexistence was unable to think...

“do you really think that this paradise is even remotely deserving of him?” the voice asked “the father says despite all his faults he is their only hope” the other voice replied, “i’m not one to question him, but what the hell? Hitler? save them?, from what peace and love? Why not just send Lucifer i’m sure they would be better off?” the voice responded with annoyance

“well the father knows what we do not, though I share your concerns Michael, but he wills it, and honestly it was Hitler’s choice, and as you know not even Lucifer wants Hitler…” the other voice said “well how long do you think he will last in this paradise?” Michael asked “oh about 30 minutes if that... why?” the other said casually.

Micheal responded “Well Gabriel, because he might actually prefer hell, either way dad’s got one hell of a sense of humor… this is gonna be fun to watch, but hey even I don’t wish even Hitler’s mere presence on Lucifer”

“indeed” responded Gabriel.

After hearing this Mr Hitler was confused but unaware of just what they meant as well as pretty much everything…. But It would not take long for him to find out, lets watch shall we?…

Our story begins with not a man but a bench, a bench which Mr Hitler finds himself sleeping on, the bench is oddly warm, and his first thought is of pineapples and some odd toy that we can only imagine is a stick with string from his childhood, but why pineapples but that will have to wait for someone is about to wake him up, “hey buddy you alright?” the voice asks him as he tries to remain asleep the voice now poking him says “hey you can’t sleep here” now annoyed Mr Hitler responds by yelling “Not now Henrich!!” only to be shocked he is speaking English even more astonishing is that he knows he shot himself, but instead chose to say the first thing that came to mind, but what would come to mind when he opens his mind is uncertain, as he opens his eyes he sees something so strange it should have destroyed his sanity but we know he never had any to begin with, so one can only imagine what thoughts came to mind when he sees what looks like a huge squirrel holding what appear to be dumbells in its hands, wearing a tank top and jogging in place on oddly shaped legs, oh and it has a tail not unlike say a squirrel, all we know is that whatever he was thinking was not hello, but in fact was blurted out in an incredibly long winded incomprehensible slur of gibberish (not unlike his speeches) all of which made no sense to us or the squirrel, but was immediately clarified with a single word “shit” said Mr Hitler as he looked at the squirrel and then continued muttering gibberish in an increasingly panicked state, as if he were somehow sane and had just dropped his purse… he then immediately jumped up then in an intense panic and forgetting his belongings which would be incredibly important to his survival in this world ran off down the park screaming in gibberish with the occasional curse word thrown in, as he madly sprinted into the park, the last thing to be heard by the confused squirrel was “talking squirrel!” now incredibly confused by the mans clear and obvious insanity decides to not only leave his purse where he left it, but to ignore the odd situation that just occurred, Mr Hitler on the other hand still running and spraying gibberish down the park was seen and heard (but not at all understood) by many such people, but he neither saw them nor wanted to, right up to the point where he ran out onto a road, then stopped and looked in the wrong direction which in this case was up and saw a beautiful metropolis of skyscrapers and aircraft, all glittering silver and shiny,

but what he failed to noticed then decided to make itself known to him, a loud horn blared and then he looked and beheld a pale green horse and the name that it sat upon quite clearly was Friesian, then everything went loopy as Mr Hitler himself went flying, he then hit the ground with a rather unimpressive thud, much like a deer in the headlights he had been run over by what he could only imagine was a cheese wedge on wheels, but given so little time to appreciate the very beautiful (and quite expensive) super car he just ruined with his body, he only saw what looked like green cheese, then blackness…

Meanwhile Micheal and Gabriel now laughing hysterically, aren't very helpful, since they are too busy laughing… so we will just ignore them for now…

We now join Mr Hitler as he awakens in a high tech hospital… he says in his half awake state “Nein!… we need to kill at least 2 million more Jews Goebbels… or we will run out… of… HUH!?!? SCHEISSE! What the fuck!!”

Mr Hitler exclaims with utter surprise… “I am BLIND!!!” he yells in terror… failing to realize just how close he came to dying… again… as a woman says “don’t worry sir… you just have a bandage on your head… hold on…” Mr Hitler sighs… thinking again about pineapples… and then the fox woman who he does not know is a fox woman removes the bandage… yet again Mr Hitler goes a little loopy as he sees what should be a beautiful fox woman…. But in his mind… Mr Hitler is thinking something completely different… he yells “WHAT IN THE FUCK!!???” as the now scared woman sees his reaction… he then tries to get up but she… knowing how bad an idea that is… tries to restrain him… to no avail of course… he darts up tearing the IV from his artery and runs down the hall screaming once again total gibberish… with curse words mixed in… before running head first into a security guard… Mr Hitler in his panicked state was unaware he was bleeding out… but it would not matter for somehow in his mind he decided to grab the plasma pistol on the guard’s vest and shoot at him with it… this did not go as planned of course as he screamed in gibberish as the gun did not fire… shocking him instead… Mr Hitler then fell to the floor and bled out screaming like the madman that he was… as he died he noticed them trying desperately to save his life…. And felt odd… Mr Hitler was confused… he had just tried to kill one of them, and yet… they did their best to save his life.

As Mr Hitler awoke once again in the bright light he heard the two archangels laughing hysterically at him then Gabriel said “well not even 5 minutes… impressive… and you even killed yourself… no less… next time try to actually think…” Mr Hitler had no time to respond before he woke up… at the bench with the talking squirrel waking him up… Mr Hitler now just stared at the squirrel… in horror and surprise. It was only then he realized just what he was in for… but of course we know he still has no clue… the squirrel asked “so who are you?” Mr Hitler responded “I am Adolf Hitler… Fuhrer of the Third Reich...” the squirrel shook his head then said “well buddy… that made no sense… is that your purse?” Mr Hitler looked to his side and saw a bag with the Nazi emblem on it… and simply said “Scheisse...”

Mr Hitler now has 16 lives left… can he find salvation… or will poor Satan be stuck with Mr Hitler forever… find out in our book Mr Hitler… a story about punishment, redemption, romance, comedy and pineapples... and of course our egotistically dimwitted protagonist Mr Hitler…