FSE

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"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I sprung awake to someone bursting through the door. The silhouette against the hallway light was tall and threatening. As my eyes adjusted, I could make out a pair of wide antlers. It was my father. "Dad! I can explain!"

"You fucking faggot! I knew it!"

He stomped up to the bed and grabbed me, throwing me down onto the ground.

"You are the shame of this family!" he said, standing over me. I cowered in fear; my eyes darted around the room, looking for something to defend myself with. I looked over at the bed. Under it I could just make out a fox's face. A paw reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me under.

I heard my dad yell loudly and Jude embraced me. I was shaking. I could feel the bed scrape along the floor as my dad pushed it out of the way. A sharp blow hit my side, and then a tight grip wrapped around my shoulder ripping me from Jude's arms. I opened my eyes and saw my father's furious face huffing in front of mine. Everything went red as I dangled helplessly from his clutch. My eyes looked for Jude, but he was gone. It was just my dad and I in the dark room.

"You will NEVER disappoint this family again," he said, stomping his way up to the window.

I felt the icy glass press against my back. I was paralyzed in shock. The blood was rushing from my head and I felt woozy as he pressed me harder and harder against the glass. An ear splitting crash and I felt a hundred shards slice into me as it gave way.

The cold wind blew snow all around me as my dad held me out of the window. My feet dangled in the fridged air. Flames shot from my father, his vice grip on my shoulders burning like hot coals.

"Dad..." I gasped, looking at him in the eye.

His disappointed frown glowed like embers as I felt him release me. Everything flew past in slow motion as I descended into the snowy abyss. The flames rocketing from the bedroom window engulfed the house, and a deafening silence took over. The snowflakes gently bumped into my fur as I moved closer and closer to the ground. The heat from the flames faded as the darkness surrounded my flailing body. I became numb to my cuts and burns. I felt frozen as my limbs stopped moving. All I could do was watch the house disappear in front of me. Is this what it feels like to die?

CRACK!

I shook awake in a cold sweat. My eyes were wide, trying to figure out where I was in the darkness. Slowly, details of the room reassured me that I was someplace safe. Jude's bedroom door was still closed. The window glass was still there too. My heart thumped in my chest as I regained the ability to move my limbs. I sat up, feeling an arm fall to my side.

I looked down at Jude. He had still been curled around me. He nuzzled into his pillow, but was still fast asleep. I carefully slipped out of bed. I just needed a minute to walk around and get grounded again. My heart was still pounding.

I didn't feel good. I knew it was just a dream, but the pain from the glass and fire were still fresh in my mind.

The room was quiet and still. I could see the sky had just started to glow through the window. The world was fast asleep. All but me.

I slipped out of the door and into the bathroom. If I looked like hell before, I don't know what to call what was looking back at me in the mirror now. I cupped my hands together and took a few drinks of water. I must have been panting in my dream because my throat was dry as a dessert. I propped myself up by my arms on the sink. I felt nauseous. Would my dad really do that? Was this my subconscious telling me something? Was it an omen? I remember my great-grandmother told me to listen to my dreams because they could tell the future. She saw things all the time before they happened. She said it was her gift from the Lord.

I stood back up and balanced myself. I felt my knees give out, and I collapsed in front of the toilet, hurling my guts out.

I hoped that the rest of Jude's family was as heavy sleepers as him. It's not exactly easy to puke quietly.

As I spit into the cold, wet bowl, reaching up to flush, my stomach heaved again, only nothing would come out. It felt like someone was punching me in the stomach each time.

When the feeling finally subsided, I rolled out onto the floor and stared at the glowing light above me. The bright white burned into my eyes. It was like the fire in my dreams. I shook my head and pulled myself up. After a few quick rinses of my mouth, I snuck back into the bedroom.

Jude had curled his arm back at his side. I sat down on the edge of the bed, one eye still watching the door, just in case.

Jude was so beautiful laying there. I'm glad I hadn't woken him up. I watched his arm spread back out across the bed, as if inviting me back into his arms.

I gently lay back down, and felt another arm wrap around me. That comforting breath jostled my fur again.

Something began pulling from under me, and I opened my eyes to the room full of light. I looked over at Jude, who was sitting up. I rubbed my stiff face. "Morning", I said, followed by a yawn.

I felt the paw slide out from under me. The fox flexed fix fingers to get the blood circulating again. "Morning."

As my eyes adjusted to the light, they focused on something rising up under Jude's pajama pants. My pulse quickened. He was hard? I just kept staring at the tent, my mind flipping between trying to figure out what to do, and wondering what was behind that thin layer of cotton.

"Oh..." Jude said. "Uh, it's not wat you think. I just have to pee." He covered his crotch with the sheets.

"Oh." I was trying to hide my disappointment, but I don't think I was doing too good of a job. All the joy and excitement that had filled my stomach suddenly flew out and I felt a little empty and pathetic for thinking it had been for me.

"But, I mean, it doesn't have to be just that," the fox quickly added. "I'm sure you've given me lots of boners. Just this time, it's pee." Sometimes, the lies hurt more than the truth.

"Can..." I said, sheepishly. "Can I see it?" I looked up from the wad of sheets to his face, desperately looking for anything that could give me a hint to what he was really feeling.

"I, uh..." he said, shifting. "I really have to pee." Jude slid out of the bed and quickly hurried to the door, realizing that he still was holding the sheet in his paw and abandoning it in the middle of the floor.

I sat there, looking at the door wondering if I had already scared him off. I looked at my backpack. It'd be easy to pack it and leave and put everything behind me; finish up my plans from last night. I looked back at the door. Would he be back soon?

'I'll give him a minute,' I reasoned to myself. After what felt like a minute of fidgeting in the bed, I started packing up my backpack. I grabbed my phone, and started to text my dad that I was coming home.

The door slowly opened, and Jude walked in. I looked up from my phone. There goes my plan.

"So," he said, avoiding eye contact from across the room. I watched as he nervously made his way over to the bed and sat down, still not looking at me. His paw moved across a fold in the sheet. "This is awkward."

"Yeah," I said.

"Do you want to talk now or la-"

"Did you mean it?" The words fell out of my mouth. I watched his face again. He looked confused, and there was fear in the eyes staring back. My stomach muscles tensed.

"Well... It's complicated." The fox looked away, rubbing his neck.

"So, no." The nausea returned. I looked back at my phone. I just had to hit 'send.' My thumb hovered over the button. My vision started getting blurry as my eyes welled up.

"No, not no. I don't know. You're kind of putting me on the spot here." I couldn't get myself to look up. I just wanted to grab my backpack and leave. I didn't want this constant up and down anymore. "Look," he continued. "I'm your best friend, right?" I nodded. "And best friends love each other, right?" I nodded again. "So, I know that I love you. I just am not as sure about the rest of it."

His words seemed empty. Friendship love was different than the love I felt for him. He didn't understand. He didn't get what I was feeling. He wasn't like me.

"Please don't tell anyone I'm gay." I felt a drop slide down my cheek.

"What? I won't. I wouldn't."

I looked up at the fox. There was a different fear in his eyes now. "You're not gay, are you?" I asked.

"No. I don't think I am."

I felt my thumb hit the 'send' button. I don't know why something I knew all along hurt me so much. I went numb, and my head swam. "So, I should probably go." Those would be the last words I'd say to him before disappearing from his life. I reached down to grab my backpack, and I felt Jude's paw wrap around my other hand.

"Would you just let me figure this out?" he said, squeezing my hand. "Look, I've looked at it a few times online, ok?" I looked over my shoulder at the fox. "It did the same thing for me as girl stuff. I don't know what that means, but it is what it is. I'll keep your secret, and you'll keep mine, alright?" There was sincerity in his voice that told me he was telling the truth. I turned to face him. Something made him smile that warm, wonderful smile that I missed.

I felt something build up in me as I looked into his eyes. Suddenly I was on top of him, my lips pressed firmly against his, my legs straddled across his hips. God, it felt so good to kiss him; to have his body close to mine. I wanted more of him. I wanted all of him. I felt my heart race as I slid a hand up his shirt. It was just as soft as I had thought it would be. It was like pulling my fingers through a cloud. I could feel his heart beat under my fingers. I wondered what that fur would feel like on my lips. I pulled down and kissed his cheek. His whiskers tickled as I moved further down. I could hear him panting in my ear as I moved down his neck. His muscles tensed and I could feel the strong thumping pulse on my lips. The fur was softer down here. A few inches lower and I was on the bit of his shoulder poking out from his shirt. My hand moved down his chest and found his waistband. My heart jumped and I slid my fingers down and under. I felt something hot and pulsing meet my finger tip.

"NOPE!" I heard loudly in my ear. I jumped back and Jude had already scrambled from under me and was standing next to the bed, panting.

I adjusted the front of my pants and knelt down on the bed. This wasn't going to work. Even though he said he could, he couldn't. I needed to go. My text was already sent. I reached for my phone.

"It's not that..." he said. "It's just... too fast, you know?" My heart fluttered a bit. "It's hard for me to go from you being my best friend to my boyfriend in less than a day."

My heart burst. "Boyfriend?" Did he really just call me that? I was his boyfriend?

"Well, yeah, I guess. Is that ok?"

I don't remember too much after that. I think I went into some sort of joy fueled black out. I was mostly just focusing on trying not to dance around the room. I was the happiest I think I have ever been. Boyfriend.

I vaguely remember there being food, and we ended up back in his bedroom. I was so overjoyed that I completely forgot that I had sent the text until my phone rang.

"Oh shit," I said, looking down at the glowing screen.

"What happened?" Jude said, looking up from where he was laying on my stomach. That ring tone was so annoying.

"I forgot to tell my dad that... uhh... hold on." I pushed the answer button. "Hi dad, I-"

"Where are you?" His angry voice made me cringe. "You said you were coming home over an hour ago."

"Yeah, sorry Dad. We ended up... we got distracted. I'll come home right now." I slid out from under the fox and grabbed my backpack. I heard a disgruntled huff and then the call ended.

"Everything ok?" Jude asked, flipping over on the bed.

"Yeah, I just forgot that I told my dad I'd be home by now, so he's pissed."

"Oh." Jude looked disappointed as I walked towards the door. "So, I will see you on Monday?"

"Yeah." My mind was full of flashbacks from the dream. I hoped he didn't ask too many questions when I got home. I didn't want to make it any worse than it already was. I opened the door and started walking out.

"I love you," I heard. I stopped, and looked back at the fox on the bed. I got goosebumps.

"I love you too." I smiled. He smiled. My heart raced again. I closed the door and hurried down the stairs, and out to my car.

The engine revved up. The world was so different than the last time I was in my car. I had love again.

It is amazing how truly opposite my house was from Jude's. Jude's parents decorated with brightly colored walls and family photos. My dad decorated with dark woods and heavy drapes. Sometimes it felt like a museum. Other times it felt like a cave. Since my mother fell into her depression, the drapes hadn't been opened as much. It was a large house, but it felt cramped and inflexible.

As I walked up to the black painted door and held out my key, I predicted where everyone would be. My dad would be in the living room, reading something; my sister would be in the kitchen, probably also reading; and my mom would be in her bedroom, taking a nap. It had been like that for months.

I turned the key, and walked in, locking the heavy door behind me. I could see a light from the living room. I sighed and walked over to it.

"Sorry, Dad, we just..." The room was empty. My prediction had been wrong. I listened to the quiet house. I could hear talking in the dining room, further down the hall. I walked to it.

My mom was the first one to look up. She smiled at me. My sister was showing her something in a book. My dad and aunt were sitting next to a large salad bowl. The sight was strange and felt posed because of its unfamiliarity.

"Hey..." I said, dropping my backpack and walking up to the table. "What's going on?"

"Your mom is having a good day," my aunt said. I never really got to know Shelly well. She lived just far enough away that it was hard for her to make holidays, and since I had met Jude, I wasn't around much when she was living in the house. I knew she wasn't married, but I think my sister told me that she had been once, before we were both born, but there weren't any cousins on my mom's side that I knew about.

"That's good." I looked up at my mom. She was so skinny. Her cheeks were hollow. This was the first time in months that I had looked her in the eye. It was like seeing a ghost. I sat down at the table.

"I'm glad I get to see you, finally," my mom said with a chuckle. "It seems like you're not around much anymore. But I'm glad you found some friends to hang out with in your free time." Despite how frail and broken down she looked, her voice was still the same as when she had taught me all those lessons.

"Mom was happy to hear that you would be home today," my dad chimed in. "We were waiting on you, be decided to start lunch anyway."

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that, Jude and I-"

"You know," my dad interrupted. "It's very rude to do that, Darrick. In the real world, people won't be as forgiving. You have to show respect and keep promises."

"I know, I just-"

"If I had one of my employees do that to me, you can bet he wouldn't get a promotion any time soon. You see, in business..." he went on for a while longer, and I remembered why I never bothered to talk until I went to public school.

"Jude? Was it?" my mom finally said, pulling my attention back to the conversation.

"Yeah," I said, trying to figure out what I had missed.

"That's a very pretty name," my mom said.

"And a biblical one too!" Shelly added with an approving nod.

"Very true. I almost named Maggie that," my mom said, petting my sister on the head. "Do we have a potential girlfriend in the future, huh?" My mom gave me a hopeful smile.

"Jude is, uh, actually a male," I said, watching the smile change on my mom's face.

"Oh! Well, how embarrassing!" My mom looked around the room, awkwardly. "I forgot that Jude can be a boy's name too."

"What species?" my dad asked.

"Fox," I said, wondering why the sudden interest in my life.

"Fox?" my dad said, putting his fork down. "Are you sure that's a good idea? Predator species are... well, you know."

"Jude's not like that, Dad."

"Your great Grandmother used to tell me that we should avoid foxes," my aunt said between bites of food. "She said that they'd be the downfall of our family. I always took it with a grain of salt, since foxes and deer haven't really had much of a history. But, then again, Joe was a fox, and I'm still getting over that fiasco of a marriage."

"You were married to a fox?" I asked.

"Oh, yes. Well, not so much married as barely living together with a legal contract on paper. He never really did like me much. I don't know why I agreed to marry him." There was a long silence. "But, that is all in the past, and you can't judge a fox by his species. I'm sure Jude is just lovely.

"Joe was also..." my dad said, picking at his salad again. "You know..."

"What?" Shelly asked.

My dad gave a limp wristed mannerism.

"Joe was not gay!" Shelly said defensively.

"Oh, come on, Shelly. What? He just slept with those three guys for the fun of it?"

Shelly stood up, pursed her lips, glared at my dad, and walked off.

"Mark!" My mom said, watching he sister walk off.

"What? She's going to have to admit that she married a fag at some point."

"Mark! Not in front of the kids!" My mom covered up my sisters ears.

"What? They're going to have to learn about it at some point anyway." My dad turned to me. "Son, be careful of those faggots. They're all sad, angry people, who lie and sleep around. You can't trust them, so it's best to just get rid of them."

"Get rid of them?" my sister asked, looking up at her mom, who sighed and released her ears.

"Yes, sweetie. What your father means is that gay people are... well, they're sick. Like you know how you get a cold? Well, they got sick, only it lasts longer."

"Do they sneeze?" my sister asked with a disturbing innocence.

"No, sweetie, it's a sickness in their heads. But, they can be cured. Some do it on their own, but others need a little help. But, what matters is that they aren't sick anymore."

"Oh, that makes sense." My sister looked back down at her book.

My hands were sweaty. I was trying my best not to show anything. I didn't move a muscle, or breathe heavy, in fear of my body betraying me and letting my secret out. I had heard my parents talk about how they didn't think highly of gay people, but this was the first time I had really heard both of them talk about it so openly. And on the day I got my first boyfriend, the conversation was more than alarming.

"I'm not talking about curing them," my dad said, placing his fork on his empty plate. "I mean getting rid of them. You know," he motioned an explosion with his hands. "Poof! Gone. All of them."

"Mark, that's a little much," my mom said, giving him a look.

"What? They're freaks! They chose that lifestyle, so they should be punished for it. I'm not saying torture them or anything. Just... get rid of them."

"I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm just saying, not in front of the kids!"

I could feel my pulse in my face. I realized that I hadn't taken a breath in a while, so I slowly inhaled. My eyes studied the grain of the wood on the table, and my vison started going dim around the edges. 'Don't pass out! Don't pass out!' I thought to myself.

"And this is why I need my mom around!" I heard my mom shout, her voice wavering on the verge of tears.

I looked up. She was shaking.

"WELL SHES GONE, JOAN. YOU HAVE TO GET OVER IT," my dad yelled, his fists firmly hitting the table, making me jump.

My mom opened her mouth, and then turned and hurried out of the room. The three of us sat in paralyzing silence as we heard the bedroom door slam. I looked at my father out of the corner of my eye. His chest was puffing. He stood up, grabbed his plate, gave a grunt, and smashed it on the floor. I flinched and felt a shard tap my hoof under the table.

"Fuck!" he yelled, turning away from the table, clenching his fists. His muscles filled his shirt, as he huffed loudly.

I glanced over at my sister, her face buried in her book, but a look of terror clearly visible at my angle. She tilted her head up and our eyes met.

"Maggie, clean up this mess; I'm going out." My father grunted one last time before leaving, not even turning in our direction. I heard the front door open and close.

My sister hopped down on her knees and started picking up the pieces of broken plate. I walked around the table and joined her. We silently picked up what we could. I rubbed my thumb over the scuff in the wood floor, but it wouldn't buff out. We dumped the shards in the trash, looked at each other, and went our separate ways.

The house was back to its usual state of quiet darkness.