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Chapter 40 Oliver PoV

Oliver should have been happy. Sean was supported by so many at the hospital, but it only reminded him of how much he missed his family. Despite all that had happened to hurt him, he wanted his old connections. He felt it move and flex, that phantom life that could have been. It tingled as if mom or dad would call any minute, to ask about his day and job. He had no contact with them since they shunned him, but every year despite saying he wouldn't, he found himself yet again calling to listen to the recording to hear their voices. A different medicine to inoculate himself every birthday and on holidays while everyone else was busy. He wanted to call now, but what would that help, they had caller ID and never answered for him.

"Thanks for dinner Oliver. Soup for Soups," Paul asked.

"Yeah, but I let better cooks then me make it," He said he was feeling the light headed fuzz of his medicine settle over him as it had before.

"Oliver, what's it like," Xander asked staring out the restaurant window.

"What's what like, my meds," He asked.

"No, getting over what happened," Xander asked.

Paul's tail lashed brushing his.

"I don't think you get over it, it's more making it to the other side of, I can live with what happened, or I can't," He said, then asked, "do you mean getting raped or shunned?"

"Man, I don't understand either of those... I don't know. I mean where is Sean in all that, with being raped? What should I do or could we do," Xander asked.

"I think he's trying to open up," Paul said, "When I learned my dad died, I couldn't talk about how I felt because I didn't want to feel any of it again, it was overwhelming."

"Then why now," Xander asked.

"I think it's my fault, he can't avoid it, because I'm a screaming example of a similar experience," He said, "I mean being around him is making me work through it too."

"That's probably true, plus I got all angry at him... damnit, I want him to be better, life isn't fair," Xander said pounding the table.

"Hey, you being there for him, makes it a bit fairer," Paul said, "it would have been fair if I could have my dad like everyone else, I didn't. What I wanted, what I got, and what I expected weren't the same for a long time."

"What do you mean wanted and expected," Xander asked.

"I wanted my dad, I expected to be alone, but Mr. Greyhouse, Jill's dad, made space in his life for me, he is what I got and he made my life better... more fair."

"Sounds like a good man," He said.

"I just want to be half the man he is for my kit," Paul said.

"When you have a kit you will," Xander said.

They all sat around bowls done eating.

"Oliver, what do I do if Sean does bring all that stuff up, what if I don't know what to say?" Xander asked.

"You let him share, and don't avoid it. If he thinks that he's making you uncomfortable, he might stop sharing. I know I did... well do. I could never tell my family, I didn't want them to think I blamed them, or that it was their fault," He said, "Sean told his sisters and his mom, he's trying to reach out."

"You talked to me about what happened to you," Paul said, "were you reaching out."

He shifted under Paul's steady eyes, "you're the only 'family' I have left."

He felt a small paw in his.

"What happened, if it's not too personal," Xander asked.

"I haven't talked to them since, you know, they had me excommunicated. I was still on my parent's insurance in college, I was a fifth-year senior getting a dual major," He said, "I got tested. I hadn't before because of the needles but I found out about a cheek swab. Mom found out in the insurance bill."

"So, she told everyone," Xander asked.

"Don't know... but I think it just confirmed her fear," he said, "to them I was dead, I was going to be a lifelong sinner, taking metal into my veins, chemicals each day, and was 'probably' sexually active in a not going to have kit's way, just tons of things they didn't approve of and others that are not right for a witness."

"But you don't, you're the biggest prude I know," Paul said.

"That's never seemed to matter, they never asked what I really get up too or how it happened. They wouldn't want to know," He said sipping at his now lukewarm green tea.

"My parents hardly know what's going on with me, but they had so many pups, they just never have the time," Xander said.

"But their ok with you being gay," He asked.

"Yeah, they're cool, they had five grand babies, from two litters, three that share the last name, all by the time Sean and I finished high school," Xander said.

"So, you're an uncle," Paul asked happily.

"Yeah I baby sit, well Sean and I do, when my brother or sister want a night on the town," Xander said, "but they are starting to get bored at Sean's, I guess I just don't have the right game consoles."

He felt a happy warmth that Paul was seeing someone so family oriented, he said, "you could get them a good book."

"I'm the fun uncle, I don't want to get demoted, they have several others to choose from," Xander said.

"So, you like spoiling kids," Paul asked, "You're going to be the big softy."

"Yeah, I am, I'm seeing more and more how herding dog I am," Xander said stirring some leftover broth in his bowl.

"Well don't change, I love you for it," Paul said tail freezing.

"You've said that a few times now," Xander said self-consciously avoiding his and Paul's unwavering cat eyes.

"I have, and it's how I feel," Paul said, "I... I'll stop saying it if it makes you uncomfortable, it's ok if you don't feel the same, someday I hope you do."

"I'm heading that way, for sure," Xander said bumping his leg under the table on his way to play pawsie with Paul.

"So, does he know," He asked Paul.

"Not yet Jill's coming up this weekend, I want them to meet first," Paul said.

"Yeah, first," He laughed, which got him a sharp elbow jab to the ribs.

"I hate being excluded," Xander said.

"Cheer up big boy, you'll know soon," He said.

"So, I'm big boy to you too now," Xander asked tilting his head to the side.

"Ah, well that's true to in your case, but that's just a phrase my dad used to say," He said.

"Xander it's big but not the center of the universe," Paul said.

"So, I was thinking of calling my family," He said, to change the subject.

"Even after everything," Paul asked.

"I'm mean there my family no matter what, but they never answer when it's my number," He said.

"You can use my phone, when were you thinking," Paul asked.

"Tomorrow or the day after, if I call during the day I am pretty sure to get Mom," He said.

"Are you calling in sick again," Paul asked.

"I might I need to figure out these meds, I might let them know I'm still sick but work on projects from home most of the day," He said.

"Hey Oliver, you seem to know the hospital better than me, when are visiting hours over," Xander asked.

"I think they're still open but not for much longer," He said.

"Let's walk back," Paul said, He felt good as Paul took Xander's paw as they all left.

"Fucking Faggots," someone yelled from the other side of the restaurant.

Xander and Paul flinched. He said, "Well fuck you too, come on guys."

He hung a pace behind Paul and Xander in case the barbdick from the restaurant followed. It took them all a little bit to relax, but after half a block they did. Xander asked Paul, "My mom loves to bake fresh breads and meat or fish pies, do you think they'd like doing that together?"

"Mom loves to cook, but isn't much of a baker she'd probably love to get a new skill."

"If she likes Irish baking then she'll be fine," Xander said.

"Mom does more Italian, but Irish and Italian are both food and family cultures," Paul said.

"So, I know you said Jill is coming up to visit, but I'd like to go down to Portland and meet the Greyhouse's and your mom, you met Momma and Papa Miller, if we see them, then all that's left is getting you up to Everett to Ma and Pa," Xander rambled.

Rapid steps behind them neared, He whirled around glimpsing an object flying towards him. He batted it out of the air, then it shattered on the ground. His claws out, he braced himself for more. Whoever threw the bottle had run away.

"What was that," Paul asked in alarm.

"Just a coward, let's walk a bit faster," He said pulse racing.

They didn't talk till they got into Swedish.

"That was the first time I didn't feel safe here," Xander said muzzle drawn.

"I'm small I rarely feel safe," Paul said.

"Yet, you stood up to Sharron and Samantha," Xander asked.

"What happened," He asked.

"When Sharron and Sam were all freaked out that Sean was going off with you that first time they got protective," Xander said.

"By protective he means inappropriately aggressive because of their size," Paul said.

"Well, Paul's a little spit fire, you better watch yourself Xander," He said.

The front desk said that they could go up.

When they reached the room, Ken had arrived with blankets and toiletries for Mr. and Mrs. Miller.

"He's dreaming and his system seems to be flushing everything he can't metabolize," Pence explained as they arrived, "the urea is not overly discolored, so his kidneys probably haven't been permanently damaged."

"Praise the Alpha," Mr. Miller said.

"I wish I could stay but I have my rounds," Pence said.

"You have been wonderful honey, thank you," Mrs. Miller said then gave him a warm hug.

Ken talked with Paul off to one side about the way they managed their different businesses. Xander pulled Neal back into the hall and He didn't know where Xander and Neal went. He stood practically alone with the Miller's.

He gathered his courage and stepped up next to Sean's bed by them, then said, "I... I wanted to apologize to you both and to Sean."

"What for," Mrs. Miller asked.

"He took my meds, and they interacted with his," He said heart racing faster than when attacked in the street.

"Young man, mistakes happen, Sean will be ok, we know he'll forgive you, he has a good heart," Mr. Miller said.

Mrs. Miller was holding her husband's paw she took his and held them all together.

"You think so," He asked.

"Yes, when things get personal, Sean forgives," Mrs. Miller said squeezing his paw.

"Well can you both forgive me," He said, "I'm sorry that I hurt your son."

Mr. Miller said, "The Alpha forgives, and we do as well."

Could the Alpha and the Prime be the same as so many Universalists claim, my parents aren't forgiving. Maybe if we talked and they understood, they would be, He prayed silently, "Alpha are you the Prime? Prime are you the Alpha?"

He got no answer, they stood there in a silent vigil, with Mrs. Miller holding his and her husband's paws.

Chapter 41 Xander PoV

When Xander reached Sean's hospital hallway Neal was standing off to the side. He broke away from everyone to talk with him.

"Hey, is Fred going to make it," He asked.

"No, Ashley, and Rachel's pretrial hearing is tomorrow," Neal said with a yawn.

"You look like you need a coffee, so do I, want to get one with me, my treat," He asked.

"If you're trying to seduce me, you may have found my weakness," Neal said, "That and growing your... rough out."

"Paul asked me to let it grow," What should I say to get him to open up? The gentle giant followed him to the cafeteria, He asked, "Neal did you ever get over it?"

Neal missed a step, and asked, "Over what?"

"That camp," He said, "I am worried about Sean, and you."

Neal walked beside him not speaking till they reached the empty cafeteria, "Well there's avoiding the issue and going on with your life and getting over it."

"Oliver said the same thing about getting shunned and having things like what happened to Sean," He said.

"He was sent to a camp too," Neal asked as they went to an automatic coffee dispenser.

He swiped his debit card then said, "no the other thing."

"Oh shit, so you want my perspective on the camp because you have Oliver's on the other," Neal asked.

"Yeah Sean said a few things and did a few things, that I've never seen before, while he was having the meds interaction," He said.

"It could just be the meds," Neal said and took his cup.

"And if it isn't, he was acting like he had done things he hadn't," He said.

"Fine, for you and for Sean, I'll talk about it, Fred's been demanding I open up to someone else if I can't with him," Neal said.

"Why don't you guys talk about it," He asked then grabbed his coffee as well.

"Because the camp was an aversion therapy camp, they spent months fucking with our minds," Neal said while walking to a nearby table.

"I don't know anything about what happened Sean's said nothing, but apparently, it's why he rarely has sex and can't be with canids," He said.

"Well aversion therapies are mostly bullshit and can't get you averse to much of anything, but the director, he was a behavioralist and religious nut case," Neal said.

"So, it works or it doesn't," He asked.

"Sorta, their treatment doesn't change what you want or make you want women," Neal said.

"If it doesn't make you straight what's the point," He asked then sipped his coffee.

"Like I said a religious nut, you don't need to be straight, they just want you to stop acting out those sinful behaviors," Neal said then drained half of his coffee.

"And he could do that," He asked.

"Yeah they trained my brain to go soft... I can now keep a boner even if an Otter or Canid comes to mind but I have been practicing, but it's just easier because I fell in love with a ram," Neal said.

"What happens if it comes to mind," He asked.

"Just an anxiety response, but Sean also bought into the religious side of it all. I'm not Pack, I grew up with my parents talking about the Ever-Present Tide, you know the energy of the universe, but then there marriage fell apart and dad mated a controlling religious wing nut and I got sent to the camp," Neal said, now he only sipped at the coffee.

"So, Sean bought into it," He asked.

"For the first couple weeks, we were roomies for the camp because neither had a history of interest in each other's species," Neal said.

"Your sharing a lot thank you Neal," He said, "need any more coffee?"

"I'm compartmentalizing right now I might need to vent on you when I stop, and another coffee would be great," Neal said then sucked down the rest of his cup.

"Vent how," He asked while he walked to the coffee dispenser.

"I'll just need to yell in an angry rage for a while," Neal said.

He froze, he had never heard Neal raise his voice, the thought of him yelling in a rage was too alien to him, he smiled over at Neal thinking it was a joke, but Neal's dower muzzle disturbed him more then he wanted to let on.

"So, Sean believed they could help, what changed his mind," He asked.

"Just a hug," Neal said staring woodenly at a wall.

He brought over the refills and asked, "So it was seen and it was not allowed?"

"Yes, we were seen and, No, It wasn't allowed, I had been there a couple weeks and had kinda mentally checked out, you know I'm a hugger and physical guy, so is Sean," Neal said.

"Well your both guys," He said, "but it was just a-"

"It is an abomination, you are making yourself an abomination, you know where the Alpha said that, and what it means. I know you do my boys," Neal said affecting the voice of a fire and brimstone preacher but with a quaver in it.

"So, you gave him a hug or he gave you one," He asked.

"He gave me a hug, he was their mindless little pet and was just taking sympathy on my Litterday. I'm so much taller than him he was reaching up and I had to bend down, we were accused of kissing," Neal said while damp fur grew on each side of his maw.

"So, what did they do? Neal, I need to know," He asked.

"You remember that psych class the three of us took together," Neal asked.

"Yeah but what does that have to do with it," He asked.

"Do you remember that one-time Sean and I skipped," Neal asked intermittent tremors coursed through him.

He was confused but Neal wasn't being more forthcoming, "...the Milgram prison experiment?" He asked when he realized.

Neal sat paws tightly clasped as if he could compress the tremors out of his body.

"That was psychological and physical torture," He hissed as an anger He had never known before writhed in his belly.

Neal still wasn't responding.

"What did they do to you?... Neal, can you hear me?... Shit," He said he got up and paced the cafeteria.

On his third circuit Neal said behind him from the table, "after they thought we kissed they put us in sensory deprivation tanks, it was the first time I ever hated the water."

"Then what...Neal," He asked while he rushed back to the table.

"It was like they forgot about us till a speaker said, 'Thou shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.' Then more silence. It went on I don't know how long I got hungry, and I started looking forward to the message because then they couldn't have forgot about me... but they wouldn't let me out no matter how much I scratched or pounded on the tank. But they had to be watching. When I took in a lungful they pulled me out and I got sent home," Neal said uncontrollably shaking.

"You tried to kill yourself," He said throwing away his crumpled coffee cup, and rinsed his paws off in the sink.

"Yeah... 'abomination begets abomination you are beyond our help, may the Alpha have mercy on you,'" Neal said in that same quaver, then rose and stood by the wall in a half corner by the counter, then he continued, "I didn't see or hear from Sean till that summer, I memorized his address and wrote him a letter."

"Neal other than the isolation tanks what did they do," He asked and stood in front of Neal trapping him in the corner.

"Xander they hurt me... they hurt us," Neal stammered clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Neal how did they hurt you," He asked.

"I... I can't say," Neal stammered.

"Neal tell me, I need to know," He said.

"They made us feel pain if we got horny," Neal said and covered his whole muzzle.

"Neal how did they hurt you," He asked and stepped even closer bending down placing a reassuring paw on Neal's arm.

"However they could," Neal snapped, "all for aversion, You want to know what we have to do to get off now, do you, that's what you really want?" Neal exploded to his paws grabbing him by the throat and slamming him against the wall, legs dangling off the ground.

"You'd like that, knowing, you little bitch," Neal said, He was too stunned and barely flailed at Neal's powerful arms.

Neal kissed him on the muzzle, "it's the only way it works, we figured it out."

"What the fuck Neal get off him," Pence yelled across the empty cafeteria.

Neal's ears fell back in realization then dropped him, slumping in a hyperventilation back into his corner.

He was raggedly gulping down air, from the wind being knocked out of him, when Pence came and checked his throat.

"You're lucky your larynx wasn't crushed... what the fuck was that?... I'll get security." Pence said.

"No don't its fine now, it's my fault," He wheezed.

"Like hell it's your fault," Pence snapped glaring at Neal.

Neal wept in his corner tail wrapped around his knees, "I'm sorry Xander, I... I'm so sorry."

In Neal's words He only heard Sean, "I won't do it again, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me? Thank you, you don't know how much that means to me."

He wanted to run back to Sean and make him know he was loved and forgiven, but he was too light headed to move and Neal needed him now too.

"No Pence, Neal didn't mean too," He said.

"I didn't, I'm sorry... this is why I can't talk about it," Neal sobbed.

He scooted next to Neal taking his paw, Neal broke into sobs his full weight collapsing on him as Pence watched confused and dubious.

Chapter 42 Sean PoV

I sat in the back of mom's minivan, she offered the front seat, Shit, she wants to talk I'm not telling her about that place, "I'll sit back here I can lay down if I want."

"Sean, are you excited for Disney," She asked me.

I snorted loudly.

"What was that?"

"Oh yeah mom," I said, "I'm so thrilled that we get to go on pretending the last several months didn't happen."

"I wish we all had made better choices," she said.

I wouldn't look at her although I saw her eyes on me in the mirror.

...

I watched the scenery flash past as we drove past farm after farm on the way home on I90.

...

"Your sisters are excited to see you and so is Xander," she said.

Hearing his name made me flinch, cold ran up my arm then through the rest of me.

"Great more people that will want to pretend I wasn't gone for months," I said forehead resting against the window.

"Honey, I'm sorry..." mom said.

"For what," I said, "you're only picking me up now."

"Oh... yes, Uhm... I cleaned your room," she said, "I know how you don't like your things getting moved around."

What the hell is she crying, serves her right, I can't believe I have three more hours of this fucking drive.

I said acidly, "So why didn't dad come."

"He is getting things set for the trip," Mom said, "the O'Connell's are uncomfortable."

"So Xander's not coming this year, that's fine," I said.

"Oh no... He is," Mom said, "Mr. O'Connell wasn't happy dad sent you to... camp."

Despite wanting everyone to leave me alone, I liked hearing that.

...

"You got a letter a few weeks ago honey," mom said.

"Great..." I said.

"It's from a Neal Schmitz," Mom said, "is he a German pen pal?"

"No... Did you and dad read that letter too," I asked.

"No honey, we didn't, here it is," she said passing it back.

I unbuckled and grabbed it, "about time you both learned to treat your kids like people."

We came up on a rest stop, while I stared at the envelope.

"Honey I... I'll be right back," mom said then she ran to the bathroom crying.

Good riddance, I got out having to pee as well.

After I got back to the car mom still hadn't come back I dozed off waiting.

When I came too we drove on the freeway again, nearing the Columbia-Vantage area and all the power wind mills.

"How did you sleep honey," mom asked.

"Fine..."

"So how do you know this Neal and is he German," Mom asked.

"He's Brazilian and from Tacoma," I said, "I met him at camp, it just so happens he has a religious fucker for a parent too."

Moms hissing breath made me smile.

She didn't talk to me anymore, so I tore open Neal's letter.

"Dear Sean,

I don't know if I remembered your address or if you'll want to read this. But I want to thank you, I'm sorry you got in trouble you were the best part of camp and that Litterday. If you want to talk let me know, I'll be at the UW this fall too. I was angry when I got home, because everyone wanted me to be the same as I was before, they don't get it. I wrecked some friendships, well what was left of them, with high school friends. It didn't help. But I did find something to help with the block if you want it text me.

Blah blah blah."

I set aside the letter, I'll text him he was the best part of camp too, but he got to go home early.

We rode in silence till we reached Issaquah.

Mom asked, "Are you at least looking forward to the trip?"

"I'm looking forward to college," I said, "finally, getting the hell away from you all."

"I see... you know Sharron and Sam chose out of state schools," mom said, "I don't think they had decided before you know."

"That makes sense why would we go to school together," I said, "it's about time we lived our own lives."

Mom didn't speak again till we got home.

"I missed you," mom said when we pulled up to the house.

"Cool..." I got out of the van and headed inside ignoring Sharron and Samantha as they ran down the hall. Went into my room and packed.

I ignored the whispers outside my door.

"Mom what's wrong," Sam asked.

"I know you're excited to see him," Mom said, "he doesn't want to see us right now, let's let him alone."

"Fine, in a second," Sharron said, "We all miss you and love you, even if you don't want to see us."

Half packed I broke down, throwing myself on my bed to hide under the distantly familiar blanket and fell asleep.

Dad woke me up, "sport are you ok?"

Why won't they all leave me alone, "why would you care."

"Because I love you," He said flinching.

"Sure didn't feel like it the last several months," I said.

"Ah I see the attitude your mother mentioned," Dad said.

"Maybe there's a camp for it," I said.

Dad sat blinking at me as if I had slapped him.

"I see it may have done more harm than good," Dad said then got up, "The O'Connell's and Xander will be here in a few minutes you may want to treat them with the love and respect you seem to lack for your own family." He left the room.

Why would I respect you, after what you did, I grabbed the nearest object, the photo of me and Xander from school, I flung it away in surprise. Why would dad replace that he's rubbing it all in my muzzle? They stole my journal, but leave me that. Seeing that horrible photo made my whole-body ache.

"Fuck everyone and everything," I said huddling in the blanket. When I got up, I shoved the photo under the bed and finished packing.

I glared at the roof, This is your fault, I never wanted to be born like this and you gave me these parents, you allowed all this to happen, I growled at my reflection in my closet mirror, "I'm small but no one will make me do what they want unless I want too again, never again."

The doorbell rang downstairs.

He woke sore and hurting everywhere, his gut was throbbing with sharp discomfort, and his maw was dry from the forced air. He was dizzy and his multiple dreams had him confused and angry.

He spoke but the words garbled, "wheah, am ay."

"Son you're awake," Dad said moving to the bed.

He felt an unchained rage, "whu ahre you heir?"

"Let me help you with that," Dad said.

He slapped away his father's paw when dad reached for his muzzle.

He scraped the breath mask off.

"What are you doing here," he asked coldly.

"You had a bad chemical interaction, you accidentally took Oliver's medicine," Dad said, "are you ok?"

"Like you care?" He said then sat up. Vertigo washed over him, which made him too dizzy too stay upright. He fell back into the pillows.

"Are you ok," Dad asked trying to check the pillows.

"Get away from me," He snapped.

"I... I'm sorry are you ok," Dad asked.

"I'll be better once you leave," He said.

Dad blinked at him in confusion and hurt then left the room.

He felt tubes and objects intruding in his arm and penis, he felt violated and disgusted as he flailed trying to sit up.

Dad, mom and that Tabby nurse from his last visit returned to the observation area.

The intercom crackled, "Mr. Miller please lay down."

"No I'm getting the fuck out of here," He snapped.

"Lay down and I'll get someone to help you," the nurse said.

"You can't make me I'll take care of it myself," He said.

"You can injure yourself don't make me come in there," she said, "I don't want to make you... but you're allergic so... I can and I will, you can't stop me."

"You'll make me, you'll force me, fuck you," He snapped.

"I'm sorry no I won't force you but please for your safety let me get a none feline to help you," she pleaded.

He relented, "well hurry up."

The nurse rushed away.

"Sean honey what's wrong," Mom asked.

....

"Honey are you ok?"

...

Before she could speak again He snapped, "No Alpha damnit, no I'm not alright... you two put me through hell, and... and I hate you for it."

He was crying but between angry sobs he growled, "you wanted to make me straight so you let some cunt fucker abuse me... to make me feel pain at the idea of sex the way I'm fucking wired... mom I'm not ok and I'm done pretending."

Mom and Dad looked afraid and hurt.

The tabby returned with the Raccoon nurse.

The Raccoon came in closed the blinds and washed her paws.

"Are you ok Mr. Miller," She asked.

"Do I look ok," He asked rolling his eyes.

"No you don't but I'll do whatever I can to help," she said.

He was still fuming but realized he wasn't angry with her, "thanks I just want to get gone."

"Ok let me get your I.V., and please breathe normally when I get the catheter," she said.

"Easy for you to say," He said.

After she finished he asked, "Where are my clothes?"

Mom answered through the intercom, "in the cabinet next to the sink."

"I didn't ask you," He snapped, he wobbled to his paws and then the cabinet.

The nurse turned in a hurry as he stripped his hospital gown and dressed.

"Where are my meds," He asked.

"Sean you took Oliver's there not here," Dad said via the intercom.

"So Oliver has them," He said then only wobbling a little he went to the door.

"Sir, I don't think you should go you just had a-"

"Legally you can't detain me..." he glared at mom and Dad, "something I wish I knew long ago." Then breezed past them.

Dad trotted after him, "Sean where are you going son you need to rest."

He spun shoving Dad ineffectively in the chest because of the size difference, wanting to knock him to the floor, "I will do as I see fit you can't make me do anything anymore."

"Sean what's wrong with you," Dad asked wide eyed.

"Everything, nothing, pray to the Alpha dad, figure it out," He yelled then stormed off.

He felt his dad's paw on his shoulder, he was so angry he turned and hit him on the right cheek like he hit Xander, but he didn't feel sorry this time. Dad didn't follow.

He pulled out his phone noting it was late then scheduled a retriever to pick up two blocks over, and walked that way.

Chapter 43 Oliver PoV

After Oliver got home and ate more of the soups Paul made for him, getting nice and bloated in the hope that he wouldn't dream. He sat on the couch with a throw pillow in his lap.

"Hi mom..."

"Hello, it's been a while..."

"Hey... Please don't hang up..."

He practiced over and over the different ways he could say hi, his resolve for calling his parents loosely tethered to the hope things would change.

"They'll just hang up... Prime please let them not hang up," he prayed.

Don't get too hopeful, if you expect nothing it won't hurt, he argued with himself, "it always hurts they never answer and won't like you calling in a way that tricks them into picking up."

The light-headed fuzz was there he didn't think it would go away.

How can I love them when they don't love me, He let out his claws then pulled them away.

What if Sean can't take his meds again, or he had died, He held the pillow tighter with his claws then with a loud rip he held two smaller throw pillows, one in each paw.

"Damnit, I need Kevlar covers," He muttered then tossed the torn pillow cover over his shoulder, only to continue to play with the faux down, "or to just go to bed."

He checked his phone, it read 11:13PM, he sat wanting Sean to be up and texting him. He felt lonely. After scattering the fluff across the living room, he decided to make tea. Half way through he switched off the burner feeling too bloated. He walked to his bedroom.

It shouldn't matter, why does it? He flopped onto his bed.

He undressed and slid under the covers, happily reminiscing about kissing Sean the taste and smell of him.

He drifted to sleep praying Sean would be ok.

I stood in Sean's narrow apartment, it smelled so good. He tells me it's my home now, and I finally feel safe.

The darkness said, "He can't protect you, no one here can, you're mine, give up boy."

"I'm not yours, nor am I the kit you attacked," I said.

It shifts in the corner of my eye, "I will take from the others because you defy me."

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your Prime. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right paw." I said far more calmly then I felt.

"Boy you have no Prime, you left him and your family," the darkness said.

Sean's medical bracelet wraps my wrist warm and soothing like a beacon of hope.

I said, "No matter what you say or do I'm not alone."

"You tether your soul to weak and worldly things," the darkness said.

"I am in this world but not of it, I love, you don't, you can't," I said.

"Then I will take all that you love boy," the darkness said.

I'm in Sean's kitchen.

"Sean, Put him down," I said as everyone moved back from the table.

Paul looked at me with a pleading panic.

Sean set Paul down then vomited in the sink.

I smelt and saw the flecks of blood in the bile.

Sean fell backwards like a rag doll someone held standing then let go. He jerked and writhed on the floor, foaming at the maw. I reached for the wooden spoon like before, but when I crouched down next to him I wasn't in Sean's kitchen anymore.

The spoon clattered to the subway platform. But it was now open to the air.

The tracks now more like a chasm dropping into unending darkness.

"Look into your future boy, the emptiness before you," the darkness said.

"You have no place here in my heart or my mind, I will not be made low by the likes of you," I said.

"I told you, I will take all that you love," the darkness said.

I felt a tugging at my wrist Sean's medical bracelets clasping chain was now quite long and dangled from my wrist down the chasm.

"You can't have what I love," I said, "My angels protect me."

"Your angels," the darkness laughed, "it's them I will take."

Then with a reaper scythe the darkness struck up at the air.

My Angels in formation flew with all speed to me.

"NO. Run away. Run," I screamed from the platforms edge.

Too late, my Calico Angel and Wolfy plummet from the sky.

"It begins," the darkness laughs then retreats from the rage of my Shepherd.

My bleeding Calico angel lands hard on his side barely able to move.

"Wolfy, where's Wolfy," I asked pacing the edge.

Weakly my Calico Angel points into the chasm.

I cautiously peer over the edge.

Broken winged Wolfy barely has a grip on the wall, his beautiful gold and silver feathers dropped away like wilting petals in the wind with the smell of the bile from before. The rock he's held pulls loose from the wall soon he and the rock will fall and a train is coming.

The medical bracelet chain dangles near my Wolfy, so I swing it his way then brace myself, "grab it Wolfy grab it."

His weight flattens me to the ground and drags me precariously close to the edge.

I barely come to a stop. I pull on the chain, but it's taking all I can do to keep him there.

My Shepherd returns battered but strong, he leaps head first into the chasm.

To my relief I feel the weight lighten, and together we bring him back over the edge.

My Shepherd has his head pressed to Wolfy's chest, he weeps, "how could you," while he pounds on Wolfy's chest.

I fear the worst and rush forward, "is he ok?"

My shepherd rises and nods at me, placing my paw in Wolfy's, I know I must protect him.

I clasp the weak and broken Wolfy. The train rushes through the station and into the chasms dark tunnel to our right.

On the other platform is only a pool of blood, my Calico angel is gone lost with the train.

My Shepherd rises spreading his dirty but unbroken wings as far as they'll go, then runs full pelter off the edge leaping in a wide spiraling ark into the maw of the darkness.

"Find him, please find him and come back," I said.

He opened his eyes and startled at the dark shape which loomed over him.

"Aaaah, Who's there?" He yelped.

"It's me," Sean said.

"What are you doing here," He asked in confusion.

"I came to get my meds, I didn't want to wake you but where are they," Sean asked.

"In my dresser, wait Sean you're ok, Praise the Prime you're ok," He said then leaped up to hug Sean.

"Wait wait, I need my meds and five to eight hours for them to get into my system," Sean said.

His excited bouncing won a smile from Sean, he hovered as Sean found the meds.

"Now you're sure these are mine," Sean asked.

"Yeah mine are on the bed stand, Sean, I was so worried," He said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen, kinda ruined the date," Sean said, "I'll make it up to you later today I promise, now go back to bed."

"Yeah I'm totally going to sleep after you show up after nearly dying," He said sarcastically.

"Well I didn't and I have to go sleep as well, I'm not one hundred percent, I just want to make sure I can see you later today," Sean said.

He squeezed his paws, "if I could I'd kiss you Sean, I'll see you soon."

"If I could, I'd do quite a lot more," Sean said.

"I want that to be you," He said, "the first that I have willingly."

Sean stood still for a moment, "I hate what happened to us I want you to feel loved."

"I do Sean, I was going to call my parents today or tomorrow on Paul's phone, you've given me the confidence too," He said.

"Why would you need Paul's phone did yours break," Sean asked.

"They won't answer for mine," He said.

Sean moved in for a hug him but stopped at the last second, "they don't deserve you, and neither do I... but I have to go, let me know whenever you need me, I'll come running."

"It's ok Sean-"

"Promise me, I want to be there," he insisted.

"Fine Sean, I'll call, or text, if Ever I need you," He said, with Sean appeased they held paws then Sean left.

He couldn't relax it was too exciting that Sean was doing better.

Wait Sean got inside I must have left the door unlocked again, I'm horrible at that, He paced the room then walked through his place with nervous energy. He found Sean had re-stuffed the pillow he tore before bed and left a note, "this is why I need you to pick out tougher blankets and covers for my place, I like my pillows stuffed."

He sniffed the pillow to scent Sean again, it gave him a head rush and a bit of a boner.

He nuzzled the pillow imagining it was Sean while he jacked off.

Then he showered and got on MuzzleBook still not sleepy.

He scrolled through posts and photos of former friends that wouldn't talk to him. The pangs of loss and for family stirred. It didn't matter they wouldn't message or care to hear from him.

His sister had blocked him on MuzzleBook but he saw many of her posts through Kyle her husband's page. Kyle hadn't cared or had been too lazy to block him. He looked at his niece and nephew wondering if they remembered him or if the family even mentioned him.

"They probably don't, and won't," he said to himself.

Before he signed off, a chat window from Jill popped open, "Hey, Oliver you're up early?"

"Yeah Jill I got woken up, yay... why are you up?" He texted.

"Oh had to go to the doctor," she texted.

"Is everything ok?" He texted.

"Yeah I think so just some discomfort and mom freaked out, don't tell Paul, I have enough crazy to handle right now," she texted.

"I won't just as long as you're heading up like you said," he texted.

"Oh yeah Paul's said He is picking me up at the airport," she texted.

"So Tanners picking you up then, I'm looking forward to seeing you, but be forewarned Paul is going to show you off," he texted and yawned finally calmed down.

"Yeah I wish it was on the weekend then Our parents could come at the same time," She texted.

"Paul was telling Tanner to drive safe because more people die in car crashes then in planes," He texted.

"Mother goddess he needs to relax," she texted.

"I'm calling my family today," he texted then headed to the bathroom.

"But they shunned you, I love my parents but if I were you, I don't know if I could forgive them for that," she texted.

"Well it's forgive or remain bitter and miserable," he texted then peed and brushed his teeth again to complete the bedtime routine.

"I don't know if I could do it but more power to you, my turns here the nurse is calling me, ttys," she texted.

He lay down to get back to sleep. While he dozed the door buzzer went off.

"For Prime sake," He snapped as the buzzer continued.

He flung back the covers and stormed to the intercom, "who is it, it's well past midnight?"

"Oliver its Xander, I'm here with Neal," the intercom chimed back.

"Please tell me you're joking," He snapped.

"That's what I said, but he made me come," Neal said.

"I need you both and Neal you shouldn't be alone neither should Sean," Xander said.

"He's going all herd dog because Sean hit his dad, and I uhm... vented" Neal said.

"Fine, I'll buzz you in," He said then a few seconds after he buzzed he realized what they said.

He was frozen in thought when Xander burst through the door then back peddled into Neal.

"Well hello, handsome Tiger," Neal said which snapped him out of his thoughts.

He dashed into his bedroom.

"Don't get dressed on my account, I like tigers," Neal said following.

"Neal you're partnered," Xander said.

"Yes but I can enjoy a good view, other things too, and we are all friends, right," Neal asked, his small ears perked.

"Uhm we're acquaintances," He said then stepped into pajama bottoms.

"See I'm a close friend of Sean's we should get to know each other, you should meet my man Fred," Neal said.

"Simmer down big guy," Xander said, "We are here for Sean."

"You're here for Sean... and I am here because I can't be alone apparently," Neal said checking Him out again, "Well it just so happens I think you might be right, Xander, I definitely can't be alone tonight."

"Xander you said Sean hit his dad," He asked.

"Yeah about time, well he should have just told him he was pissed and not hit him but the message was communicated," Neal said.

"Sean confronted his dad about the therapy, after he came too," Xander said.

"Shit really? He didn't tell me that," He said.

"So I heard your nickname, once," Neal said, "I think, its Boots right? Is that cause your into leather, I mean that would be hot, you'd look good in leather."

"Neal what's wrong with you your acting weird," Xander asked.

"Nothing I'm fine," Neal said staring at him.

"Wait a minute Sean got most of his Tiger porn from you, Neal go to the living room," Xander said.

"Hey, I'm an adult," Neal said.

"Then act like it," Xander snapped.

"Fine... I'll try," Neal said with the same goofy grin Neal had had since seeing him naked.

"So he and Sean both have a thing for tigers," He asked.

"Yeah that's how we tried to break the Aversion therapy, didn't work... well apart from making it easy to get hard, for guys like you," Neal said, "I was trying to get back with an otter, my high school boyfriend and Sean back to canids. I mean I got mostly past the aversion but not enough to save that relationship, just had to learn to relax."

"It didn't work," He asked.

"Sorta, I just got kinky as shit, all the tiger porn, I ah, 'found' was pain fetish shit," Neal said.

"So that explains a bit about... ah never mind. Well Sean came by to get his allergy meds then headed home," He said.

"Thanks I'm going to let you get some sleep," Xander said.

"Oh yeah I should help you unwind," Neal said.

"Have you met Sean's mom I can be just as disapproving," He said.

Neal's dopey grin broadened and his tail wagged.

"Oliver you're not helping things," Xander groaned.

"I'm game, I'll come to you on my knees, but I'd prefer to cum on your boots Boots," Neal said them moved toward him.

"Nope nope nope, come on Neal you're embarrassing us, mostly yourself though," Xander said and grabbed Neal by the arm and dragged him out of the apartment.

"But I don't need to go," Neal said.

"Yes you do," Xander said.

"Oliver we are friends now I can stay?" Neal pleaded.

"Ah, I actually, kind of want to go get some sleep," He said.

"You'll sleep better after, I can make sure of it," Neal said as Xander dragged him bodily out the door, "hey you are so lame Xander."

After they left he locked the door and said, "that otter is insane, kind of cute but insane."

Chapter 44 Xander PoV

Xander towed Neal behind him.

"Why are you so mean, Oliver looked super stressed I could have helped... Pence should have given me a pill for him too," Neal said.

"Wait what pill?" He snapped.

"Just a couple sedatives, or three," Neal said pulling himself away from him to Pirouette still moving to the stairs.

"A sedative when did he give you a sedative and why didn't he tell me," He asked.

"Momma Xander worries too much, and cause it's bad to choke someone... oh yeah I was supposed to apologize," Neal said then lept shaking the hall.

I wonder if he'd feel it if he broke something right now? "So are you going to apologize," He asked.

"For what," Neal asked.

Neal took his paw as he skipped next to him with the same dopey grin plastered on his muzzle he had had for Oliver.

"Oh nothing... I'm going to kill Pence," He said quietly then louder asked, "So when did he give you the sedatives and do you feel better?"

"He gave me them when you went pee, ... Tiger pee, ooh, Water sports, let's go back," Neal said giddily then he turned around.

"Nope nope, Fred wants you to come to bed," He said catching Neal's arm.

"You're right I should cuddle him he's a good ram," Neal said.

On the way back to Fred and Neal's place He learned all the best ways to cuddle Fred and how to order leather gear online getting it in your actual size.

"That's great Neal, I'm glad they do custom orders," He said when he got Neal inside. Neal headed to his bedroom and He plopped down on the couch but for a moment he still needed too-.

"Xander... Xander, do you need coffee," Fred said to him shaking his shoulder.

"What where?... oh, crap I was going to Sean's," He said, then asked, "wait what time is it?"

"It's a bit after four," Fred said, "So Neal woke me up, just to tell me; he likes sedatives, that he choked you, that he wants a three-way with a hot tiger, and that you're on the couch, and look sexy when you don't shave... then he passed out."

"Well I got him to open up about the conversion therapy stuff... everything else is the sedatives I hope," He said rubbing his muzzle.

"So like I said, coffee? Well or you can crash here I can get you blankets," Fred said.

He checked find-a-friend, meh I'm so sleepy, "yeah can I just crash here, Sean's at home."

"So Sean's ok, I was busy with the legal briefs and haven't heard anything," Fred asked.

"Yeah, well... Sean hit his dad about the conversion therapy and Neal Choked me so Millers-O'Connell's Zero conversion camp scars two," He said.

"If he hit his dad I guess he is fine... uhm, you're not planning on sueing are you," Fred asked, "cause I have enough on my plate."

"Oh no, I botched that chance by admitting I kinda provoked him into it before someone... yeah, he would testify we were both idiots," He said.

"Ah yes, Pence," Fred said.

"He sure drugged Neal fast, I was only in the bathroom a minute."

"Yeah that little guy is fast," Fred said, "I'll grab those blankets."

"So if I can ask, how is everything looking for Ashley, and Rachel," He asked.

"Really good, Rachel's brother being the biological father and Ashley the mother is helping but Mr. Miller requesting the case be dropped went a long way as well... he may be forced into retirement for it," Fred said.

"What did he say," He asked.

"He wrote a letter to the judge as male alpha of the Northern convention, that if a single mother can raise a child, what business of the pack is it if there are two moms. He then said my family and our pack friends raised all our children together and we are all better for it," Fred said.

"Oh Alpha, that's amazing, can I have a copy, I want to show my dad I think it would help them patch things up," He asked.

"It's in the case... but yeah I'll text you a copy, and Xander thank you for getting Neal to open up and still watching out for him after..." Fred said gesturing at his throat.

"I'm just glad I can help," He said snuggling into the blanket.

Fred leaned down and kissed his forehead, "everything will work out."

"Thanks Fred," He said. Then they both went to sleep.

In what merely felt like minutes the morning sun was shining in on him while his phone buzzed by his head.

He yawned glancing at the time, eight forty, and accepted the call, "morning Paul."

"Hey, you didn't come home, is Sean ok," Paul asked.

"Yeah he is home sleeping, I think," He said then stretched and rubbed his eyes.

"You think... what does that mean," Paul asked.

"Well he hit his dad then left and I had to watch Neal after Pence drugged him, one sec I'm going to make some coffee," He said.

He loved Fred and Neal's espresso machine, he ground the beans and set the milk for steaming. He headed to the bathroom to avoid the shrieks and hisses the machine would make. He peed and heard it working away in the other room.

He poured the cream in the cup with the coffee and relaxed at the smell. Then got back on the phone, "I'm back."

"You're a turd," Paul said.

"What," He said, "What did I do?"

"You just leave the call after saying all that," Paul growled.

"Well you woke me up I needed to pee," He said.

"And a coffee," Paul asked.

"Yes that was crucial," He said, "I don't own an espresso maker."

"Fine fine, so Sean hit his dad and why was Neal drugged," Paul asked.

"Oh he tried to choke me out," He said then checked that he had everything. There was silence from the line, "Paul did I lose you?"

"No I was waiting for you to continue," Paul said.

"Continue what," He asked while he hunted through the cushions for his keys. The line was silent again.

"Hello? Paul... oooh found um," He said.

"Fucking dogs," Paul growled.

"What's wrong," He asked.

"Tell me the whole story or where you are so I can come strangle you myself," Paul said.

"Someone's grouchy. So, well let's see... it all comes down to that camp Sean was sent to, Neal was sent there too. I made him talk about it and he didn't want too, and while we were trying to get Neal less hysterical after he kinda choked me, Sean yelled at his mom and dad about it, hit his dad when papa Miller tried to get him to stay at the hospital... oh and I didn't know Neal was drugged that happened while I was in the bathroom, then he tried having sex with Oliver, so I took him home and passed out on Fred's couch," He said hardly taking the time to breathe.

Paul sighed, then said, "I'm starting to think you're more high maintenance than you look."

"What do you mean I was just being there for my friends," He said.

"Maybe we have different techniques and strategies cause I hardly ever get assaulted by my friends, you know, for being there for them," Paul said, "And your explanation sucked, did Sean choke you or Neal?"

"Neal did, and aren't most of your friends women," He asked.

"Maybe..."

"So they just crush you emotionally," He said.

"That's sexist," Paul said.

"But statistically accurate based on gendered conflict strategies," He said.

"For what species," Paul asked.

"Most of them," He said.

"Fine... you're not allowed to be both dumb and smart, pick one and stick to it," Paul said.

"What's that supposed to mean," He asked.

"Oh nothing, just wishful thinking for consistency in my life," Paul said.

"Try Metamucil," He said.

"Oh ha ha, are you gonna make it to the baby shower brunch," Paul asked.

"It's at ten thirty right? I should be able to make it. I'll head out right after food and a shower, this is for your coworker," He asked.

"Yeah see you there," Paul said.

He peeked into the fridge to see what he could eat after the call. Neal startled him from behind with his head still in the fridge saying, "I'm sorry... for last night and everything."

"Yeah it's ok man," He said.

"No it's not ok, I tried to hurt you," Neal said.

"You didn't, well nothing more than a bruise anyway," He said.

"It was like a switch flipped and suddenly I wanted to fuck you and hurt you. Like us yelling and being angry just got sexy somehow," Neal said.

His hackles rose, No one else is here.

"Like I said, I'm sorry Xander," Neal said after a while.

"I forgive you... but what's good for breakfast," He asked, "It all looks like fish or veg in there."

"This is an otter and ram's house," Neal said, "it is mostly grains and seafood, we don't get the faux meats."

"So I can expect oatmeal with Cod," He asked.

Neal opened his maw, and stood there.

"Please tell me you're not considering that," He asked.

"For you, no, but I might try that," Neal said.

"Bleh, no thanks."

"What's wrong with cod," Neal asked.

"Nothing it's all those unnecessary grains," He said.

"Well I have some I can't believe it's not pork sausages in the freezer neither Fred nor I liked them, but they're kinda old," Neal said.

"Sweet I love the I can't Believe brand," He said.

"So cod oatmeal for me and utter secretion protein sausage for you," Neal said.

"You make it sound horrible," He said.

"How we get our food is horrible, but we can't really change that, anyway... I remember while I was loopy that Sean hit his dad," Neal said then plopped three sausages in a pan on the stovetop.

"Yeah but he is meeting with the media team we're working with, I was going to track him down after that," He said.

"Good... good, you know hugs and making others feel good is important to me, just like it is for Sean. Hurting you... I'm really really, sorry Xander. And I think Sean will beat himself over it more than his dad will," Neal said popping frozen cod chunks in a bowl and microwaving them.

"Yeah his dad seems different then when Sean and I were kids," He said, "More, ok with who we are."

"Can you grab the maple syrup from the fridge," Neal asked.

"For your oatmeal," He asked lip curled.

"Oh shut it," Neal said, then Neal tapped his wrist, "and grab the mil-"

He flinched at the contact and they both fell silent.

"...I'm not a time bomb Xander, or at least I don't want to be," Neal said.

"I know but I... I've been on edge I mean you did attack me," He said but failed to sound calm, "Anyway, what else did you need?"

"Could you grab the milk," Neal asked.

They ate in silence after the food was ready, like a date where both sides know it wouldn't go anywhere.

"Didn't Sean hit you once," Neal asked.

"Yes?... whats your point," He asked.

"Oh, it's just that we have been friends for over nine years now, is that long enough," Neal asked his small ears thrown back, "I mean you forgave Sean, didn't you? But you two have always been friends... did I fuck things up?"

"We are still friends I know you better now, but let's not develop an abusive relationship here," He said, Neal looked worried till He forced a grin.

"You're the only one I've ever told... I wish I hadn't," Neal said.

Oliver's words came back to him about being there.

"I'm glad you did, it's not an easy thing. I... well, Sean never talked about it, I just don't know what to say and never expected... I am your friend Neal, no matter what," He said.

They ate in a happier silence till they finished clearing the table.

"How was your Cod-meal," He asked.

"I think there's a reason Cod and maple syrup aren't served together," Neal said.

"I'll leave the otter meal ideas to an otter from now on," He said.

"Oh, I was the one that added the syrup," Neal said, "thanks Xander for everything."

"You're welc-"

Neal hugged him, and this time the contact didn't make him flinch.

With that Neal headed to work while He showered and brushed his fur then headed to Purrfection, This damn mane requires so much work.

Chapter 45 Sean PoV

Sean's stomach didn't feel well, Should I have stayed at the hospital... no I couldn't deal with all that. Shit will this screw up insurance somehow? Sam and Sharron exploded his voicemail, messages and MuzzleBook, while mom and dad remained oddly silent. He set his phone to a do not disturb mode, called his boss and headed to a meeting with Amy and Vivian, they had contacted Mr. Franks via e-mail about the debate as soon as they could. He parked and headed into the station.

Vivian bounced with what He realized might be her baseline disposition.

"How are you Vivian," He asked.

"Oh Sean, It's good to see you, but there's a snafu, well Amy can explain better," Vivian said her sapphire eyes gleaming.

"So, she'll be here in a second," He asked.

"Yes, oh yes, just moments," Vivian said rocking on her long paws, "I got worried after I looked into his background."

"Wait him who," He asked.

"Mr. Swenson, he says he will only do the debate if it's muzzle to muzzle," Vivian said as Amy joined them in the conference room.

"I just got off the phone with him," Amy said, "that man is opprobrious, Morning Sean."

"Well that's a five, no a ten-dollar word," Vivian said.

"Morning Amy, what's going on this is that Bu Bucks Breed guy right," He asked.

"Well yes but he is former Pack too," Amy said.

"I think there's a story here," Vivian Said, "but we needed to talk to you first."

"Ok, so what's the big deal with this Swenson guy," He asked.

"Well, he is only willing to do the debate in person and demands his former student be there," Amy said.

"Former student? Was he a professor? I don't know that name," He said.

"So, then you wouldn't mind," Amy said, "good, George said this next week will work, but the guy is cold."

"Wait George, Uncle George?" He snapped.

"Yes, his name is George, I knew there was a story here," Vivian said falling still.

"How do you not recognize your uncle's last name," Amy asked.

"He isn't my uncle he just has everyone call him that," He snapped.

Amy said, "Well, he only worked on three projects of note, the conservation of unnecessary waste, a camp for delinquent youths and-"

"We weren't delinquents, why won't that tick just die already," He snapped.

Both reporters had interested glances for each other than masked their muzzles while they changed in posture.

"So you went to his camp but you weren't a delinquent," Amy asked.

"None of us were, well statistically probably some of us have to be, but it was a camp for parents to try and change their pups," He said.

"Like cub-scouts or weight loss," Vivian asked.

"No..." He said, "It was a purity camp."

"Like a church camp," Amy asked.

"I thought it might be something like that," Vivian said, "but I assumed you'd dislike his group that's for 'food' species more, sounds like this guy hits all your negative buttons."

"So, it's this camp that you hate," Amy asked, then said, "We couldn't find much on it. He leads two organizations one working to limit predator birthrates and return prey to being food species, the motto is the natural life as nature intended."

"Are you kidding me," He asked, "How is he a spokesperson for anything, let alone such an organization gaining traction."

"Unnecessary Waste and Back to Natures Calling," Amy said, "both are growing in popularity and momentum, but I don't know this camp they haven't been mentioned in his social media and advocacy presence."

"Probably because it had to go underground after a few altercations and other issues," He said.

"Fights at a church camp," Amy asked

"It's a pack behavioral training school," Vivian asked, "that's it, right."

"I don't know if it was Pack but basically... 'If you can't be straight, don't sin, we'll show you how not to my boy,'" He said in a quavering voice.

"So, you won't do a debate with him," Amy asked, "Cause it sounds like there's quite the story there, possibly several."

"Fuck him and his story, I won't," He said then stood.

"Well without you we don't have you or him, and that's half of the debate and likely most of the story," Vivian said.

"I... I can't... I have to go," He said then bee lined for the door. He felt cold all over but for the burning heat in the back of his throat.

He felt a clawed paw on his shoulder and cringed away, "Amy I'm allergic."

"Oh sorry," Amy said stepping back, "just think about it, and we'll see what options we can make."

"If that camp is what I think it was," Vivian said, "you could speak out about them and how you overcame it."

He laughed bitterly, "Yeah if only I had overcome it."

"I'll talk with Franks we can figure something out, you're more important than Mr. Swenson for the debate anyway." Amy said.

"Thanks Amy, maybe someday I'll be braver," He said.

Then he left, without further argument.

I can't deal with Franks right now he and dad probably are having lunch since dads in town, he walked through the sculpture garden not far from the station, while he thought on Vivian's words.

"How could I be an example, I can barely keep my own shit together."

His cloudy metal reflection eye to eye in a sculpture said, "you don't have it together, you can't live under your own hatred how can you handle another's."

A light to the world a city on a hill, he touched the cold metal which matched the ice in his right paw. He walked up the hill the wind rippling his fur.

"A bird dying in a bramble of thorns," his reflection said.

I haven't given up hope, I have my friends.

"Maybe you should give up."

He didn't want to be around strangers. He headed back to the car then drove to Oliver's.

My meds should be working, I hope he's there.

"Even if he is these meds will fail, and isn't he just a substitute for what you can't have."

No, I want him for him, and I wanted Xander for Xander.

"Well, be honest, you know you can't be with them, you're too damaged."

I'm Xander's best friend, and... I can be with Oliver with these meds, he parked.

"Really? best friends are only half of what he wants," his reflection said, then it echoed Xander, "To me you _'__ re the lover I'll never get_."

I wasn't playing games, I wanted it to work, to wake up, He walked in through the building garage.

"Oh, so it was a game, just one you lost, because you're broken. He just had to deal with the emotional manipulation."

No, I didn't want to lead him on, I didn't know... and if I could I would be with him, he trudged stair after stair.

"So that's why you're rubbing someone else in his nose. Someone that if you forget a little pill, you could die in your sleep from."

His paw froze about to knock at Oliver's door.

I'm not... I care about them both, He knocked at the door.

"But you choose the one you can have sex with, Jonathan and David the kindred, you aren't Xander's friend at all."

Shut up, He knocked hard since Oliver hadn't answered. He checked friend finder Oliver was at home or his phone was there, and Xander was over at Purrfection.

"You should just leave, you're fucking up everyone's lives."

He knocked harder finally hearing a stirring from Oliver's place.

"Who is it now," a grumpy Oliver asked through the door.

"See you should leave, you're just an annoyance."

"It's Sean, I think I should've taken that sick day," he said, "I was hoping to see you."

"I was taking a nap it was a busy night," Oliver said. The door jerked but caught on the deadbolt.

"It's locked..." He said.

"Too many just walked inside tonight," Oliver said, "I thought a particular tall one might sneak away from Xander and get in bed with me."

"A tall one... you mean Neal," He asked while Oliver opened the door.

"Yeah, he was acting... adventurous," Oliver said, "last night, it was when Xander came by looking for you."

"Why was Xander here... adventurous you mean he hit on you," He asked then followed Oliver into the living room.

"If by hitting on you," Oliver said, "you mean he offered to be my leather kitten for the evening and for me to spray him, then yes, yes he did."

They sat on the couch.

"Alpha damnit Neal," He said, "He is a bit kinky and has a tiger fetish but that's not normal behavior for him."

"Yeah Xander seemed to be having a hard time wrangling him in," Oliver said, "So what's going on?"

"Well it's the debate for the campaign, the director of the camp I was sent to, is a participant and will only participate if it's muzzle to muzzle and I'm there," He said.

"...oh... so your feeling lame," Oliver asked.

"Yeah and I probably shouldn't have left the hospital," he said, "... I just woke up and my dad was there."

"Weren't you and your dad on good terms," Oliver asked, "Well thought so till I heard you hit him."

"Fuck, you heard... already," He said, "yeah he wanted to talk, I just wanted to get away from him, and blew up. I dreamed about camp, him sending me, and all this hatred and anger bubbled up."

"You can't hold on to the anger," Oliver said, "it doesn't make things better."

"But if you _'__ re not angry you can't get hard... oh what would you do if you couldn't hurt them_."

"I don't know how too... healthily I mean," He said.

"I'm not saying you shouldn't be pissed," Oliver said, "about that camp guy trying to make you talk to him muzzle to muzzle, but hitting your dad..."

"It felt good for a second, then I felt terrible," He said.

Oliver scooted closer on the couch, arms open, "come here."

He flushed happily nuzzling into Oliver's side.

"He's here but you're allergy will be a barrier forever and always."

We will find a way.

"Have you even asked if he wants to find that way... no you haven't you don't know till you do."

"Maybe we should things slow down," He said.

"I prefer slow, I just want to talk and to hold you," Oliver said.

"He shouldn't hold you, Xander is your Jonathan this is your Delilah."

He moved to get out of Oliver's hug.

"What's wrong," Oliver asked.

"Don't you think you should be with someone else," He asked.

Oliver kept him in his arms, and blinked down in surprise, "No... Why would I think that or want that?"

"Because... you said before you were worried about touching me, of hurting me," He said and continued to shift, not wanting him to let go or to be touched at the same time.

"Oh, well it seemed to hurt you more not to be with you," Oliver said.

"But I'll just hurt you, I'm too fucked up," He said while he struggled with his feelings and Oliver's grasp.

"Finally, you admit the truth."

"No, you're not and we won't know unless we try," Oliver said, letting him go.

He missed Oliver's arms immediately, but fluttered with relief all at once.

"But should we try," He asked.

As He moved to get away Oliver shifted to keep them close.

"I have to try, we have to try, for ourselves, for each other," Oliver said.

"Why would you want someone that thinks horrible things, and, and gets turned on by you know, hurting and taking virtue," He asked.

"Because you're more than what's happened to you... Sean please, let me just hold you," Oliver said.

"I don't deserve it... I should go," He said.

"No please, you said my home was your home, and it's the same for you," Oliver said, "Stay, it'll be ok."

"You will just defile each other, leave Sean."

"I shouldn't... I want to stay, but I shouldn't, why can't it be ok," He said his throat burned and vision blurred.

"If it's done in love can it really be wrong," Oliver asked then leaned into kiss him.

"No... Stop I shouldn't," He said.

"You don't want it," Oliver asked hovering inches from his muzzle looking from eye to eye.

He said, "Yes, it's everything I want, but-"

Oliver kissed him.

Chapter 46 Oliver PoV

Oliver wanted desperately to let Sean know he was ok, loved, and would get better. Sean shook in his arms, his scared tear filled eyes widening in shock as his tongue touched him. Then eyes shut tight like he was fighting back the melancholy that hovered over him since he arrived, Sean panted a gasping breath and kissed him back.

He rolled Sean on top of him as they tasted the sadness, desire, and hopes of each other's cheeks, lips, and panting breaths.

He felt his clothes being torn off him, in Sean's unbridled desperation.

Their trapped excitements begged for release as He was stripped more and more. He reached to unbutton Sean's shirt but Sean quickly pinned his paws above his head, kissing him again.

He went with it, Sean could do as he wanted. He only wanted Sean to feel free and loved, with heart racing he felt happier and hotter than he had ever been.

Their hips both pleasantly and painfully pressing together in the growing urgency.

"I want you Oliver."

"Please Sean, I want you too."

Sean froze atop him when they spoke.

He unbuttoned the top button of Sean's shirt then notice Sean was still frozen and staring with an unfixed expression over their heads.

He felt Sean's hardness soften in his pants, "Sean are you ok?"

"No, we can't..." he said distantly.

"Sean its ok," He said.

"No, no it's wrong... I should go, I shouldn't have come," Sean said.

"What, but... are you sure," He asked mind only now catching up.

He felt Sean wrench away, then Sean rushed to the door.

"Sean wait let's talk about it, I'm here to listen, you don't have to go," He said while he followed Sean.

"Yes, I do I'm just making things worse for you, I can't play with your heart or make you sin," Sean said.

"I don't think I can believe that," he said, "it isn't a sin, if it's for Love."

"You lost your family for all of this, it isn't worth it," Sean said while he hovered by the door.

"But you said we are family now," He said cold from head to toe.

Sean scrunched his eyes, "just another way I have failed... I'm sorry."

"But I'm calling my family," he said, "what if they changed... can you?"

"I was changed already and it broke me, I need to leave," Sean said then turned from him.

He reached to stop him, I can't... I can't make him. He stared at the closed door for a time clicking his claws together.

Shivering with fear and uncertainty he went back to the living room and redressed. He wished for a different world, easier, he felt Paul's phone in his pocket bumping against his own.

I can't stop him but should I follow him, or call him?...

He paced in self-doubt, "I need to do something... I can call my parents if they could change so could he, that would prove it."

He took out the phones glaring at them skeptically.

"Prime through everything I have never given up on you, please guide me," He prayed.

He held the phones side by side to make sure the number was correct.

"Should I do it? What does it really prove," He asked quietly.

He hit dial on Paul's phone, pocketing his own.

The ringtone clattered harshly against his ears and anxieties. Again and again, berb, berb, berb, click, "Hello, you've reached Grandma and Grandpa Cunningham's house leave them a message," His niece's voice said.

Beep...

"Hi... It's Oliver, I'm calling because I was thinking about all of you and wanted to say I still love you and I miss you. Hopefully you still love me too... bye."

He sat, that was a stupid message, hey it's been years so I thought about you, Prime why can't I have a family that is a family?

He pocketed Paul's phone still holding his own.

Then he texted Xander and then Paul while walking to his lonely couch.

To Xander, "Something's wrong with Sean, I mean really wrong."

To Paul, "I finished with your phone, when do you want it back?"

His pocket buzzed and he realized the extent to his distraction.

He sat for only a moment then he went back to pacing his apartment too nervous and unfocused to work.

You shouldn't have kissed him, he wasn't ready, But what else could I have done?... Nothing just be there for him on his terms. Ok, I can do that but Xander can give me more ideas, maybe I should've gone after him.

Xander texted, "we are just finishing up the baby shower for Paul's coworker, Paul and I were the only dudes there, it was kinda weird, so what's up with Sean?"

Should I tell Xander everything, Sean trusts me... his safety came first.

Xander texted, "Sean's all freaked out about hitting his dad, he dreamed about that camp, I kissed him and he was talking about how kissing was a sin and he would only hurt me because he's all damaged, then he ran out of here."

"Shit this is Disney land all over again, I'm going to call him while we head over, we'll be there in like fifteen minutes," Xander texted.

He forced himself to sit and do some analytics for his newest project to keep his mind busy. He sat staring at his laptop not even signed in, when Paul and Xander came in the front door.

"How was I supposed to know that asking about using an egg incubator is offensive to Avians?" Xander asked Paul.

"It's like implying they don't love their egg and abandon it during the day. Some experts blame the prevalence of Avian distraction and hyperactivity disorder on a lack of pre-hatching nurturing," Paul said.

"Those 'experts' sound like idiots to me," Xander said, "hey Oliver."

He stood and took Paul his phone, "hey guys, thanks for the phone."

"Did you get to talk to them," Paul asked.

"No but I left a voice message for the first time, my niece is on the recording I don't even get to hear mom and dad's voice anymore," He said.

Xander looked as unhappy hearing about his family situation as Sean had, "I'm not your family family, but like Sean and Paul here you are welcome to call me when you need someone."

"That's what Sean said basically," He said, Thank the Prime.

"Dogs are so loyal, it's such a turn on," Paul said, then hugged Xander from behind. Paul hidden behind Xander huffed, "why does everyone need to be so tall."

"I'm not tall, I'm on the average side for canids," Xander said, "So Sean didn't answer when I called either."

"Well I'm on the short side of whatever," Paul said then asked, "So is he... ok?"

"I don't know," Xander said.

"No, I don't think so," He said.

"Maybe we should go find him," Paul said.

"You might be right, but what if he only needs space," He asked.

"Then we're just annoying friends, I'll ask Neal too," Xander said grabbing his phone and texting Neal wandering down the hall.

Once Xander walked off Paul exploded, "Jill gets here soon."

"I know it will be great, Xander and Sean will be shocked," He said. Xander paced back then stood in the kitchen while he texted.

"I'm a little shocked," Paul said.

"You doubted it would happen," He asked.

"Yeah, the stats weren't great," Paul said then his pocket buzzed.

"Hello this is Paul."

"Jill why are you crying? Is everything ok?... yeah I miss you too, but I'll see you so soon I'm more excited than sad, and everything will be great... cheer up... I get that I don't understand the hormones... missing me is a lame reason when you're on your way here... fine, where do you want dinner... ok, yeah a silly question, Purr it is... Love you... oh you miss everyone up here too... I guess I could invite the Clarks... I have a call coming in."

"Hello this is Paul, who may I ask is calling?"

He checked friend finder Sean was at City Hall, Is he doing ok, maybe I should text.

"Excuse me a single call isn't harassment but verbal aggressiveness is not appropriate... then block the numbers. Yeah, that's on your end to take care of... well how dare you threaten, you don't know me but your behavior isn't appropriate," Paul fussed at his phone, he chilled as he waited. Xander's attention fell on Paul as well.

"Fine, you can, but know your lawyer would have to speak with ours, and you'd have to meet in a court room... so stop threatening and block these numbers if you even care too... I'll pass that along and Prime Bless you, Though you've done nothing to deserve it on this call," Paul yelled into his phone then threw it onto the couch.

"So that must have been my sister or my dad..." He said.

"I'm sorry Oliver they threatened both of us, I dealt with it all poorly," Paul said.

"How were they threatening exactly," Xander asked.

"An anti-harassment order, Oliver it was your dad, he said you upset your mom and shouldn't call anymore you are disfellowshipped," Paul said.

He felt numb, I was going to do something, be there for someone? Wasn't I?...

Then he remembered the Family dinner.

Mom set the table.

"Oliver honey, where should I put your mail, it's still coming to the house," Mom called from the kitchen.

"Weird, I thought I had it all going to my P.O. Box on campus," I said as I put on my coat.

"Honey where are you going," Mom asked poking her head around the corner to the kitchen.

"Dad asked me to pick up heavy cream and fish oils for dinner," I said then checked I had my keys.

"Well hurry back, Virginia and the kids are coming over for family dinner," Mom said.

"Will do mom," I said then headed to the car. Cruise was on the radio I sighed because it had been playing on every country station but I sang along anyway.

When I got to the store Paul sexted me, "Which tail shot is better this one or this one?"

"I'm at the store, this is not how you're getting me to come out to my family, if I ever come out to them," I replied.

"Fine, but I think it would do you good if you told them," Paul texted.

"No, it probably wouldn't," I texted then grabbed the cream.

"So, which do you like," Paul asked.

I review the pics felt a warm stirring in my pants, then wrote, "You're horrible."

"Ah you liked them both, sweet," He texted.

"Yeah but you live too far away," I texted walking down the baking isle.

"Well, I'm thinking of Moving to Seattle," Paul said, "Jill shouldn't be distracted by me and I got an offer... when you're done with school you're moving there right."

"Yeah, I will have more options for tech out there," I texted then headed to check out.

"Would you want to date," Paul asked.

"I don't know, we need to meet first, and all that," I texted.

"Good point, so how's the Easter celebration with the family coming," Paul asked.

"It's just a family dinner we don't celebrate holidays," I texted.

"That is so lame no Noel," Paul texted.

"No Holidays or Litterdays, but on them I make it a point to talk to family, I'm a bad witness," I texted.

"Yes, but only bad Witnesses like my tail so it balances out," Paul texted.

"Well I'm going to have family dinner I'll say hey after," I texted while I climbed into my car.

Cruise was on again which made me wish I had a sound system that I could plug my phone into.

When I got home the porch was crowded with stuff. I realized it was my suitcase, and bedding. Mom stepped outside crying with my still wet laundry dripping in a basket. When she saw me parking she rushed inside. I got out of the car confused at everything.

Why is mom making a mess, Virginia and the kids will be here in just a few minutes?

The door was locked, the house was never locked. No one answered the door when I knocked. I looked for the hide-a-key.

Dad came out when I got it and said, "You are no longer welcome here, you need to leave."

"What the hell, this isn't funny dad," I said.

"Neither is a life unrepentant," Dad said.

"Come on its Family dinner, and I don't know what you're talking about," I said cold knives sliding down my spine.

"That is an utter lie," Dad said, then thrust a FIV and AID alliance Manila envelope into my chest, along with a large blank empty parcel addressed to mom and me.

Everything crumpled under the force of dad's anger the mess of paper fell to the ground then dad sternly said, "Get out, I can't have you putting the grand kids at risk."

"Why did you read my mail," I asked numb and confused.

"Does it matter, you are not of our fellowship, begone," Dad said, then went back inside, then re-locked the door.

I cried as I packed my car, and watched the silhouette in the living room. Then I got behind the wheel.

Mom reset the table for six rather than seven spaces.

Chapter 47 Xander PoV

"Oliver, did you hear me," Xander asked

"Hear what, no I'm sorry, what'd you say," Oliver asked glassy eyed.

"I asked if you wanted lunch," He said.

"You did? Oh... I'm not hungry... where is Paul he was just here," Oliver asked.

"Oliver, he left to go to the store... to pick up stuff for when Jill gets here, he talked to you about it that was twenty minutes ago," He said, crap Sean's messed up today and so is Oliver.

"Oh, sorry I'm just distracted," Oliver said.

"Yeah, I noticed, this is about your family," he asked, "Oliver I saw this with Sean I know you're not ok. How can I help?"

"...I don't know, I don't think anyone can fix this," Oliver said.

He sat next to Oliver on the couch angled towards him and took his paw.

"Like I said, Paul, Sean and I have claimed you as our family," He said, "you are welcome in our homes."

"You and Paul have, Sean said he couldn't be family because it's a sin..." Oliver slumped onto His shoulder but there hundred pounds difference crushed him onto his back. Oliver cried on his chest wetting his shirt and fur. He held Oliver till it was getting harder to get enough air.

"Why are you so heavy," He asked.

"Are you calling me fat, cause I'm not," Oliver said.

"No, just unnecessarily large," He said, "Translate that however you like."

"Thank you, Xander," Oliver said then kissed his cheek.

"...You are family," He said while he pictured Paul and Sean together, a warmth ticking his sensitive areas from the warm body nestled against him. The tangy cinnamon sweet feline scent made him lightheaded.

He said, "Uhm, you're crushing me."

"Oh sorry, I needed that," Oliver said, "I'll get water and blow my nose, do you need anything?"

When Oliver Got off him he checked his phone and adjusted himself before things got obvious.

Neal texted, "Sean's not responding, but he's at city hall, did he really tell Oliver what they were doing was a sin?"

"Yeah, Oliver seemed shaken up about that," he texted, "then he used Paul's phone to call his parents and they basically cursed Paul and threatened a restraining order against them."

"How could someone do that to their kid," Neal texted, "... I had a tough time with my super religious step mom but we worked it out."

"Yeah how?"

"I moved out, and didn't talk to her, kinda simple you know."

"I don't think that'll work here... you know if you hadn't tried to have sex with him, you might have been helpful talking to him about this," He texted.

"I was not exactly sober," Neal texted.

"Well, if and when you guys do talk," he texted, "you wouldn't flirt right or get turned on by him?"

"There are tons of guys I'm attracted too," Neal texted, "doesn't mean I'd instantly try and have... well I did when high on pain killers... but I wouldn't sober."

";) sure buddy," He texted.

"Who are you texting," Oliver asked when he came back to the couch.

"Neal," He said, then continued after Oliver flinched, "He was on a large dose of some pills Pence had him take after he choked me. He wanted to apologize for that."

"So, he gets violent," Oliver asked.

"Only when you force him to relive that camp shit," He said.

"Ah... you were interrogating him about the camp like you interrogated me about being raped," Oliver asked.

"Kinda, I don't want to interrogate, I just feel that we should talk to each other about everything, so we can help each other," He said.

"Well it hurts now but it will help, or it should. We need to find Sean," Oliver said.

"He went to city hall, I'll head over and track him down," He said squeezing Oliver's paw in surprise at its presence. Oliver squeezed back.

"Xander, I'm glad to know you, and that Paul has you, you're a really great guy," Oliver said.

"Thank's Oliver so are you, I mean your house is open to all of us," He said.

"Well like you said we are family," Oliver said, "but I have to get work done, you're making that possible knowing you're taking care of Sean... I wish he would reply to texts, there all unread."

"So are mine... shit I better get going, Oliver in a different world a better world you'd have the family that a guy like you deserves," He said then stood.

Oliver rose with him, and said, "You and Sean are so loving, thank you."

He felt an embarrassing warm stirring with Oliver standing so closely. He needed to go but before he could leave Oliver hugged him and the stirring grew.

He hugged back, in a rush trying to hide things, but Oliver looked down with an eye brow quirked, his confused expression flashed to a bemused knowing.

Alpha fucking damnit.

"So, Sean said you get turned on really easily, but I had no idea," Oliver said.

"Oh, shut it, I'll be going now," He said then ended the hug.

"Well there's lube in the bathroom if you need to take care of things," Oliver said grinning one of those infuriatingly cute feline grins.

"I'll save it for later," He said then walked to the door.

"Lucky Paul, see you later Xander," Oliver said from behind his laptop in the kitchen.

He called Paul.

"Hey babe, what's up," Paul asked.

"I thought I was Charming," He asked.

"You are but not always," Paul said.

"Oh... ok, anyway, I'm heading into city hall," he said, "it'll take a while to track Sean down, when will you be at your place."

He stopped at the bus stop.

"I'm going back to Oliver's he has that guest room for Jill, but I have to head over to Bellevue, Northgate mall didn't have what I wanted," Paul said.

"Why didn't you try Alderwood," He asked.

"The manager said they had it in Bellevue," Paul said, "and they put it on hold, I'll be back late."

"Oh, ok well I'm looking forward to cuddling," He said.

"And what else," Paul asked.

"Everything else, just like you like it," He said.

"Sweet I can't wait," Paul said, "but I got to focus on the road."

"My bus is here talk to you soon," He said climbing aboard.

He debated telling Paul about getting turned on by Oliver, but Paul would tease him about it. He sat on the bus as it trundled its way down town.

He wished he had more coffee, the espresso was now running thin for four hours of sleep.

The buildings moved past hypnotically.

"Ma you and Pa have to let me go, please it's the last one before college... Pleeeease, Pleeeeeease, Sean will be back from camp," I said tailwagging.

Mom's black and white muzzle unhappily looked over the family photos on the living room wall, Sean with me in most of them, while she folded more laundry, then said, "I will talk to Pa about it and we'll see."

"If you said yes, he'd have to say yes," I begged.

"Oh, put away those puppy dog eyes, they don't fit you anymore," mom said.

"Growing up sucks, next year I'll be in summer classes unable to go," I said, Come on mom don't you want me to hang around in the summer.

"What do you mean," mom asked, "Why would you take summer classes?"

"Well," I said, "if I don't have things to look forward too, what's the point... I should just muscle my way through school."

"I see cute failed so you're going for coercion," Mom asked.

"I'm going marketing mom," I said, "I'm just practicing."

I couldn't stop my tail from wagging.

"Well mister confident, take this pile to your sisters' room," Mom said as the front door closed. Dad must be home.

"Sure mom... how long do you need," I asked.

"Oh hush, and get going," She said jabbing my ticklish side.

I scooped up the laundry and darted up the stairs before dad circled back to the living room.

I kicked Nora and Claire's door in lieu of knocking.

"Go away Xander no boys are allowed," Claire said threw the door.

"I thought it was no adults not boys," Nora said.

"Xander's pretty much both now," Claire said.

"Hurry up, I have your laundry," I said tired of how ridiculous they acted.

"Gross he's getting his scent all over them," Nora yelled the door flying open, "Give me those."

"Xander are you going on vacation with the Miller's tomorrow," Claire asked.

"I will if mom and dad say yes."

"They always do," Claire said jumping on me with a hug.

"I'll miss you Clairebear," I said.

Nora jumped on me too, "You won't miss us you'll be having too much fun."

"Nora, I always miss you two," I said, "but aren't you worried about my scent," hugging them back.

"Not if you're leaving," Nora said.

"Will see what dad says."

"Xander can you come down for a minute," Dad called up the stairs.

"Coming," I called back, then whispered, "Well think I'll be packing, when I come back up."

I ran down the stairs jumping the last six steps.

Mom and dad sat in the living room on the couch by the bay window.

"Hi, Pa, what did you want to talk about," I asked then worry settled on me with their reserved eyes.

"Son we aren't sure you should go on the trip with the Millers this year."

"But I haven't seen Sean in four months."

"I know," mom said, "but we thought we could invite Sean to go camping with our family this year instead, we feel he should have a safe place, to be, well, himself."

"Why would our trip be safer than theirs," I asked mentally weighing a tent with Sean versus a hotel room with Sean. I settled on the hotel room in case noise was a factor.

"Xander," Dad asked, "you understand what type of camp they sent him too...right?"

"It's one of those Howl-Away-the-Gay camps," I said, "we both tried praying, it doesn't work. Sean's Sean, it'll be fine."

"How long did you pray," Mom asked.

"A couple weeks off and on," I said, and wished we would talk about something else.

"Honey, this was seventeen weeks," Mom said, "everyday praying, coaching and Alpha only knows what else... We don't want to tell them how to parent but we don't want you under their care anymore."

"So, you're saying no to Disney," I asked.

"No, we're explaining what we think you should do," dad said, "You are, however weird it is to imagine, an adult now... Don't answer now talk to Sean first."

"He is always welcome in our home," Mom said, "and it's much less crazy and full since Thomas, Ronan, and Kerry moved out."

"So, I should think on it," I asked knowing my decision.

"Yes, and pray son," Dad said.

Mom said, "His mom should be picking him up today, we are going over there-"

"I'm coming," I said.

"-there to talk to them about the trips and our misgivings." Mom continued.

"Oh, you all are going to argue again aren't you," I asked while I fidgeted.

"Well hopefully not," mom said, "but you're gay and there's nothing wrong with that honey, I don't want them making you think that you're anything but ok."

"Mom it will be fine," I said, "I know it will. So, when are we heading over?"

"Yes, after we pray," dad said, "remember Sean might not be the same as he was before."

"Let's pray," mom said patting the cushion between them.

I sat on the couch Ma and Pa hugging me as we held paws then prayed. "Alpha our father and Shepherd," dad prayed, "we ask for your guidance, please help us know what to do that'll best further your love in this day and this world."

If Sean's different I'm ok with no more gaming or something like that, please let it be something small.

"Alpha, provider and protector," Mom prayed, "please help us to be able and capable of being the helping home to Sean if he needs it."

"Alpha, please help me know how to love Sean for who he is, was, and wants to be, amen," I prayed.

Ma and Pa chorused the Amen and both gave me another squeeze.

Chapter 48 Sean PoV

"Sean, are you ok," Jessi asked outside Mr. Frank's office.

"Yes, no, I don't know I'm just sleepy, I was in the hospital my allergy meds had an interaction with something else," He said, why didn't I call in sick and go home.

"You have no home you don't belong," his shadow said.

"If you need some rest," Jessi said, "I can tell Franks you had to go home sick."

"Maybe, I don't know, I'm already here," He said, "... So who's he talking to in there," he ignored his stomach pains and other thoughts that wouldn't go away.

"Oh, some Pack big wig Franks knows came in," Jessi said.

He got up from the pleather chair then he said, "Oh... I think I'll go home sick Jessi, can you let Fr-"

"Sean office now," Franks barked as the office door flew open.

Alpha, I hate this day.

"He knows and made it just for you, as you deserve."

He walked into the office noting with satisfaction and shame his dads swollen eye, then sat in the chair Mr. Franks indicated.

"Karl stopped by to see if you had made it into work today," Franks said, "Sean are you alright... cause you don't look or smell it."

"I'm fine, I went to channel five." He said, "the debate they are planning is getting a bit personal, I think I might not be able to do it."

Dad sat up ears raised he asked, "What do you mean personal?"

"George Swenson from camp is a participant," I said.

Dad wilted, "Oh..."

"Why is that a problem," Franks asked.

"Dad do you want to explain," I asked.

"Yes, make him explain it, what he did. He should say it in front of his friend."

"Mr. Swenson ran a camp in north Idaho," dad said, his single open eye bouncing between mine, "that I never should have sent my son too."

"Well Vivian e-mailed," Franks said, "that there was a conflict between you and this Swenson guy, but I think we should have the full debate, Sean I want you to do it, can you put your personal matters aside."

"Don't be forced into it, you're sick of being forced, made to do everything everyone else wants you to do."

"Excuse me," He growled then stood, "If George wasn't making demands that it be muzzle to muzzle, maybe I could, but I will never be in the same room as that man, Alpha so help me."

"Sean wait I'll talk to him," Dad said.

"Stay out of this dad," He snapped, "Franks, you're my boss, but you don't have to be, I told you I won't work with George, you have two options have me on the project or some random bigot."

"Well as your boss," Franks said, "I want you on the project debating that bigot, you have been working against what he stands for, for years, but as a family friend I think you-"

"I don't care what you think," he roared, "I will not be in the same room as that man, Good day." He rushed out of the office.

"That's right you don't need them, you don't need anyone."

"Sean what's wrong," Jessi asked.

He kept up his pace leaving her question behind.

I want to visit campus where Neal and I could talk, despite it being a long walk, in a daze he marched onward to the front doors.

"Xander is a sin, Oliver is a sin, Paul is a sin. Xander you play games with, Oliver you bate, and Paul you will ra-"

Shut up, I don't want to sin anymore, I don't want to hurt, I won't hurt anyone anymore.

"Sean," Dad called behind him, "Please let me help."

"What makes you think you get to help me now," He said paws clenched, "you caused this, and you weren't there when I needed it."

"I'm sorry Sean," Dad said.

"You're not sorry," He said, "it's been ten years why do you want to talk about it all now."

"He just wants you to be the son he didn't have."

"Because you need to talk now I can tell," Dad said, "I... I didn't know what to do, I failed you Sean."

"You did and you did nothing to fix it," He said.

Dad moved closer.

He yelled, "Stay away from me, damnit."

He ran from dad and his coworkers' shocked expressions scattered around the lobby.

He sniffled barely navigating his way up 4th Avenue, passersby asked, "Are you ok... do you need help," but he brushed them all off. The knot in his throat grew, he choked on bitter bile.

He took a wrong turn on Denny and ended up walking the edge of Aurora towards Fremont, not campus. He walked north remembering only the first-time home wasn't home anymore.

"Honey, Xander's here do you want to come down," Mom asked outside my door. Her nails clicked at the door while she waited.

"Fine I'll come down, I like the O'Connell family, well most of them," I snapped.

Before I could do anything Xander burst through the door.

"Sean I... I wanted to talk to you," Xander said.

"Mom close the door, Xander and I need to talk," I said paws clenched.

Xander nervously looked at my paws, "What, do you want to hit me again."

"No, I'm sorry, it just hurts to see you," I said.

"Oh... I can leave, I missed you... a lot, I'm sorry Sean," Xander said ears drooped, then turned to the door.

"I missed you too," I said while I avoided looking at him, it made me feel weird, kinda prickly and cold, like my paw fell asleep being near him.

Xander's ear perked up, "You did? I was worried you'd hate me now."

"I don't hate you, I just feel differently now," I said, I love you but I can't think like that anymore.

"I don't Sean, I'll wait till you feel the same again," Xander said.

I said, "You can't do that, you need to-"

"You said I should ask if you are still you... Are we good, Sean," Xander asked.

"I... I don't know," I said, "Does it matter at this point?"

"You always matter to me, you're my best friend," Xander said while he shuffled back a pace.

"I don't know who I am anymore," I said, "but I'm not attracted to you Xander," I am but I can't be.

"Oh well then... I'll just be your best friend," Xander said and shivered.

"We can be friends," I said, "if we still have things in common."

"Ok, did you think about me at camp," Xander asked.

"Yes," I said, "but I spent most of my time trying not to think about you because it's not right."

Xander choked, "Are you glad to see me now at least?"

"Not really... like I said it's weird."

"Oh... we were going to the creek and-" Xander dashed from the room when he teared up.

My eyes burned but I wouldn't cry. I did the long slow breaths they showed me at camp, then went down stairs.

Mr. O'Connell and Dad sat in the living room fighting, "Karl I don't want you telling my son he is or isn't ok, I lost so much trust and respect for you, if he does go you keep him safe nothing else," Mr. O'Connell snapped.

"I don't tell you how to raise your pups," Dad growled.

"If you had," Mr. O'Connell snapped back, "I'd have known what you were doing wrong."

"Well I can't have them in the same room," Dad said.

"I'll find a way to pay for his room," Mr. O'Connell snapped, "if you're going to be like that. We offered to have Sean come camping with us and you assume it's so our sons can cavort in a tent, you ignorant jerk."

I saw mom and Mrs. O'Connell outside and slipped out the front door.

"Mom is Xander coming, dad and Pa are arguing about it," I asked.

"Yes, honey I think so, Right Erin," Mom asked Mrs. O'Connell, while she glanced back at me like I might be a fallen Wasps nest.

"Yes, he wants to go, do you want him to go," Mrs. O'Connell asked.

"I guess it's just weird going on a vacation when I haven't seen anyone in three months," I said, then asked, "Where did Sam and Sharron go?"

"Oh, they went with Xander off to the creek," Mom said.

I debated going over but decided if I was stuck with them all till school started I should be nice.

I wandered down the street to the trees that led the way down to the creek.

I walked quietly, sniffed and listened for them. Their scents came from the left, further down the creeks flow. When I got closer, I heard splashes, sounded like their working on another rock dam.

"So, you're coming," Sam asked, "even if you guys aren't friends anymore?"

"Well 'he' is coming," Sharron said, "even though he doesn't want to be family anymore," then there was another splash.

I should leave. They don't want me here, I don't want to be here either.

Sam sniffed the air scenting me.

"Sean, I know you're there," Samantha said.

"Hey," I said coming to the bank paws in my pockets to stand eye to eye with Sharron and Sam who stood below me in the creek.

"Finally talking to us," Sharron asked.

"I guess, we have this last summer all together, so I guess we should make the best of it," I said hunching my shoulders.

"Fine... How was camp," Sharron asked.

"...I think I'll go back to my room," I said then turned.

"No Sean," Samantha said, "if you don't want to talk about it that's fine, we'll talk about something else."

"I never want to talk about that place again," I said.

"Fine I'll never bring it up," Xander said.

"Good, so you two went out of state," I asked.

"I got a better offer in Colorado," Samantha said with a shrug.

"That's good, still planning on medicine," I asked while I looked for a rock to pass to Sharron.

Xander passed one to Samantha, then said, "I wish we could all go together."

"Well you made your choice didn't you," Sharron growled at Xander.

"It's not a choice," Xander said.

"Everything is a choice," Samantha said, "it's just a matter of how often you have to make that choice."

"And you think I chose to be gay," Xander asked, "or that Sean chose to be gay?"

"I don't know," Sharron said, "it feels like you're picking him over me, we made all these plans..."

"We all made plans like that but we're different now," I said, "Why do we even do this anymore."

Everyone else remained silent.

"I mean it's passing the time," I said, "but it's a pup thing."

Why don't I like this anymore, I used to look forward to being in our place. He hadn't put his paws in the water but they were ice cold from a phantom of a kiss.

"Because we do this every year," Samantha said, "before heading south."

"-We have to grow up," Xander said, "but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy this anymore."

"So, if we can't talk about camp," Sharron said, "what are we supposed to do pretend you weren't gone for months?"

Neal didn't like everyone ignoring his absence. I'd prefer that to talking about it.

"Sharron, I didn't want to be at that camp," I said, "It was camp, or not go to college. So yeah, pretend I wasn't gone for all I care."

I watched all their ears drop, the silence lingered, then I asked, "How was prom?"

Xander drifted upstream on the bank to find more rocks. Sharron did the same downstream.

"Sean, I went with Xander," Sam said quietly, "... and Sharron went with a pack member, you know Zach right?"

"But they were going together, or planned to... before," I said.

"Yeah, she really didn't know," Samantha said.

"That he's gay, really," I asked then pulled a stone from the dirt for Samantha.

"No, she really didn't," Samantha said, "she moped for a week then started hunting a replacement."

"So, she chose a program at the school Zach's going to right," I asked.

"Yeah, they have been dating for three months now," Samantha said.

I said, "That's different, well what can we expect when-"

"Hey gang we are loading up the car in thirty," mom called down the creek.

"We're almost done mom," Samantha called back.

"Good, see you soon," Mom said.

Sharron and Xander returned with large rocks.

I passed Samantha a cinder block I found in the foam flowers.

"So, what's new," I asked.

"Muse came out with a new CD," Xander said with a shrug.

"Yeah that one's ok, but you should listen to the new Sanctus Real, Toby Mac, and ReliantK albums," Sharron said setting the last stone needed to finish the dam. We stood on the bank as the creak rose filling the small pool we made a few inches. Then it made a small waterfall four inches tall over the top of our dam.

"I'm glad you're here Sean, I missed you," Samantha said which got agreement from Xander and Sharron.

"...I missed you all too," I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't want to see you or talk to you when I got here. I keep feeling jealous of the time you got to have together without me, right before we all leave," then clenched my teeth as my arm tingled with phantom ice.

Samantha took my paw and then grabbed Xander's. Sharron took my other paw, then we stood and watched the creak, while we heard it tell us the stories of year after year of games, adventures, and dams in its gurgling burbles.

"Come on," dad called down from the sidewalk, "we can't keep all those lines at the airport or in the park waiting."

We lingered a little while longer then Xander said, "I really hope this isn't the last time we do this, even if we become crotchety old farts lets promise to do this again."

"Crotchety Sharron and Sean are pretty much there," Samantha said then dashed back toward the sidewalk before we could retort.

I ran after her but was quickly out paced by Samantha and Sharron's longer legs, Sharron said, "Take that back or you're sitting with Sean."

"Why is sitting with me a bad thing," I said while I huffed and puffed to keep up with them, Xander a bit behind me.

"Well you are the old one, we are worried you'll be farting soon," Xander yelled.

When we got to the house Mom and Dad, and Pa and Ma O'Connell chatted somewhat stiffly.

"So Xander you're welcome to come, your parents say it's ok," Mom said.

"Ok, I'll grab my things from the car," Xander said then ran to his parent's minivan tail wagging.

I went up to my room and quickly finished packing, then I programmed Neal's number into my phone.

We loaded the car and got on the road. Xander sat with Sharron in the middle row and Sam and I had the back. She was reading some medical magazine while Sharron and Xander bickered about raising pups and being gay.

I rested my head against the glass. I'm a stranger in my own family, Xander's more family then I am.

A car honked at him while he crossed the street onto the Aurora bridge walkway. Chipped concrete ground under the soles of his shoes when he jogged onto the bridge, then slowed to watch the boats, kayakers, and Kites hundreds of meters down below.

"If only you could fly, you'd be free."

I wish I was free, that would be nice.

Chapter 49 Oliver PoV

Oliver wiped his eyes, the ingestion failed, for the SQL servers in ring one, at the rate we're finding errors we won't be able to make this week _'__ s deployment, Damn all my personal shit_.

He rubbed the side of his muzzle and yawned.

Sean still hadn't read his texts and on friend finder it showed him somewhere on the Aurora street Bridge for some reason.

We can't just ignore each other now, what could I text him, he needs to talk to me.

He went to the kitchen and warmed some of the soup Paul made him. Despite being on a liquid diet he liked not needing to make lunch.

He texted Paul, "Hope you're having a great day I had more soup, thanks again."

"Any time, how are the meds settling today?" Paul texted.

"Still a bit off but that might be the new normal. So do you think I'm being ridiculous to feel hurt by my dad's response? I mean he spoke to you, not me, it doesn't even seem real," He texted while straightening up his desk.

"It didn't feel real that my dad died, there was no body recovered, being a war zone and all, so I never got to meet him, it still doesn't feel real and hurts but I can't change it. I'm here for you."

"Hugs, so where are you shopping now?"

"Crate and a Barrel."

"If you're buying what I think you're buying it's still a bit early for that," He texted.

"Maybe but it's real wood," Paul texted, "so shiney."

"It'll be there if you end up needing it, wait for Black Friday, I mean you have time, at least get a deal."

"Oh nice good idea, I'll price check at Sear's and Macy's too."

"Lol, fine I'll see you later rather than sooner," He texted.

He cleaned up his lunch, Sean's ok, wait did Xander meet up with Sean?

"Hey Xander, do you know why Sean is on Aurora?" He texted, "Did you see him at City Hall?"

"Shit that's where he is. I need you to call him and text him, I'm on my way there," Xander texted.

"Sean's not taking calls or reading his texts."

"That's fine, just give him something to ignore, Oliver this is important."

He paced his living room while he pulled up Sean's contact info. His phone buzzed as he hit dial.

In his ear, he heard breathing.

"...Hello, is someone there... Sean," He asked.

"Son, I called to talk, man to man" Dad said.

Ice ran down his spine, "Oh, I thought I was shunned and you were all done with me?"

"Distant not done, we can't have you interacting with the family or community, your choices aren't appropriate."

"Who said anything about choices, you know nothing about me or my life, it's been two, no, it's been over three years' dad." He shredded his last good throw pillow.

"We couldn't have you there with the grandkits coming over."

"Why because they would catch gay?"

"No, the FIV, it's dangerous, your dangerous," Dad said, "the faithful can't have those toxins in their bodies."

"You mean medicine, like those antibiotics, which I recall you had mom take when she got pneumonia."

"She never forgave me my weakness in faith, son."

"You shunned me, and you have your own moral ideas outside of the witnesses, I'm not your son remember."

"Shunned or not, you're still my son," Dad said, "that I failed to raise right, train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he won't turn from you, what did I do wrong?"

"Nothing dad you didn't fail me, except throwing me out when I needed you," His claws bit into his phone case.

"You were living in lies, debauchery or drugs."

"Wrong I didn't do drugs and I didn't choose to have sex. If you had talk to me you'd have known me and my life but you didn't."

"There is always a choice," dad said.

"Not when you are raped... I chose to go to someone's house foolish yes, but I didn't want that, I didn't want this," He said, then made himself sit on the couch his heart pounded in his ears.

"But you are taking medicine and opening your veins."

"I'm staying alive."

"The Prime would sustain you if he wills it."

"I guess I lost faith when you cut me off," He said.

"Then you never really had faith to begin with," dad said, "So I failed you."

"So, my faith is your failure, that doesn't make sense."

"Are you now living as a gay man?"

"Why would that matter now, I'm dangerous remember." Kissing Sean, stripping with Sean, cuddling Xander, I am gay now.

"Medicine is far more permissible then other behaviors," Dad said.

"Oh, so it's ok," He asked, "taking medicine if you're a victim?"

"Who said you would continue taking that medicine, you must return to faith to live depending on it."

"Faith won't keep me alive, medicine will, the Prime gave us people wise enough to make these things, they're tools, like a hammer or a nail."

"The Angel, the Son of the Prime, took nails into himself, so we wouldn't have too, you need faith, speak the name of the Prime and he will free you son," Dad said.

"I did Dad, when I had faith, I don't know what I have now," He said with arm rest stuffing stuck to his claws.

"Then that wasn't faith."

"Then I can't have faith or love, because you haven't taught me right."

"For this reason, God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature." "I've read all of this before," He said then dug further into the arm rest.

"Likewise, also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due." Dad said.

"Are you saying FIV is my due?"

"And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting."

"I see, did you called just to preach at me?"

"To the pure all things are pure to those who are corrupted and do not believe nothing is pure neither their mind nor their Conscience," Dad said, "listen to the words of the Prime boy."

"So, you are saying my mind was corrupted," he said, "so I can't have faith, and because I don't have faith God turned me Gay at twelve, and then had me raped and given FIV to teach me a lesson."

"You have lost the Lords favor, son it would be better for you to die without your medicine but in the faith, your mother and I would then at least see you at the resurrection."

"Shouldn't that be between me and the Prime?"

"If you still had a testimony but you have abandoned yours."

"I abandoned nothing, I pray to the Prime and I go to a Pridian Service Thursday evenings. I have my testimony you're the only one saying it's gone," He said.

"A corrupted testimony is not a testimony," Dad said.

"Does an adulterer lose their Testimony when they remarry?"

"That's not the same they don't go on sinning."

"Like hell they don't," he said, "every time that couple has sex its adultery or are you going to pick and choose what's relevant scripture for a Primes Witness," when dad didn't speak he continued, "If the Prime is the Prime and gives grace to the adulterer, there has to be grace for the gay."

"How have you been so turned by Satan," Dad said.

"So, to disagree with you means I'm a child of hell? Who made you the Prime?"

"I'm not the Prime but you are not a Witness."

"I guess you're right, I'm not a Witness as you define it, but I still love the Prime despite every stumbling block you've put before me."

"Son I will pray that the Prime sets you free," Dad said.

"The only thing I need to be free from is needless hate," He said, Damnit he is going to pray now.

"Prime our father, I ask you set my son, who is fallen, free."

"I'm not possessed, dad."

"Banish this demon of lust that pursues him."

"Should I pray in argument... fine, Prime please help my dad be less of a hypocrite," He said.

"Prime my son is entangled in the thorns help him stand fast in the liberty which hath made us free, and be not entangled in the yoke of bondage," Dad said more loudly.

"Prime, help my father to love others, even sinners, more than his own selfish love."

"Prime, he is blinded by his anger for my actions, please help him for you hath not given him the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind, return his mind to your way."

"My mind is perfectly sound, I'm not the one that's assuming logical arguments mean demon possession," He yelled.

"Prime our Father my son is not my son anymore, please, PLEASE, bring him back to us, to you, for the thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, you came that they may have life, and have it abundantly, raise him as you raise your angel," Dad said then sobbed.

"Oh, now you care, where were you dad, when I needed you, you lived like I was dead."

"Not dead disfellowshipped, but without fellowship you are as good as dead, please son, please listen to reason."

"I have my reason, you're the one that's lost it."

"Prime help my son to be made free from sin..." Dad said while he cried, "and become a servant to you, give him your fruit of holiness, and the everlasting life."

"Why can't you love me for me, you only ever, ever and always, wanted me to be something else," He yelled.

"Prime forgive me, Oliver forgive me I failed you both."

"That's right you failed you are incapable of loving on any other terms but your own, you arrogant, selfish, fool."

"You don't even understand FIV, if you did you'd know I'm not a risk being near the grandkits," He yelled, getting only silence then a 'your call had been disconnected' message.

"Prime Fucking Damnit!" He screamed then slammed the phone into the floor and stomped on it.

The heat of his rage transformed to an avalanche, I was going to call Sean, "no, no, No, NO Prime no.

Chapter 50 Xander PoV

I bounced in my seat happily, as our rental van reached the hotel on the east side of Disney Land. I slept on the flight while Sean remained distant.

"What do you want to do after dinner," I asked.

"Probably just sleep it's been a really long day," Sean said.

"Ok, you don't mind if I just chill in the room and play games on my DS?"

"That's fine, as long as you have the volume off or head phones."

We all unloaded and got the room keys, Papa asked everyone to meet back in the lobby for dinner.

My excitement was crushed when I learned Papa had me rooming with Sharron and Samantha with Sean. They seemed perfectly happy as we headed up to the room.

"Where did we go last year, you know at the end of the trip, it was the Victorian style place, I hope we go there," Sharron said then boarded the elevator.

"Yeah if we all agree they have to take us there," Samantha said, "Sean are you down?"

"What...?"

"Food places, are you down for that Victorian one," Sharron asked.

"Yeah sure, I just want to eat and pass out."

"We could bring you back food, if you want to sleep," Samantha said.

"No, I'll have dinner with everyone," Sean said.

"I liked going there too, I think it was called the Plaza, wasn't it," I said trying to keep up, but they didn't seem to hear me, too far ahead down the hallway.

I reached the rooms after the others went in. I juggled my bags and the door further from the elevator. Thank the Alpha the rooms are connected.

Sharron opened the connecting door on our side and knocked on theirs, "hey open up."

"What," Sean asked, opening the other door.

"Dad's being ridiculous," Sharron said, "I'm not changing in front of Xander."

"What's wrong with me? You know I don't care. I wouldn't be looking at you."

"Maybe I care." Sharron said.

"Fine, whatever, Xander bring your stuff over," Sean said.

"Is this because I didn't tell you I was gay sooner," I asked bustling through the door, Damn this barely fits, why did I pack so much?

"Yeah cause everything's about you," Sharron said then moved out of sight.

"Which is my bed then," I asked, the room had two queen beds, there was also a desk and two easy chairs by the window with a rumbling panel AC unit beneath.

"The one closer to the bathroom," Sean said, "you have the smaller bladder."

Samantha laughed while she collected her bags from the floor, "Xander hasn't wet the bed in a while."

"Yeah, I give him at least one year," Sharron said from the other room, "maybe, but if he still were a bed wetter he wouldn't tell us, he'd tell your sister, and have waited till you were about to sit down."

"Oh please," I said while hanging my slacks and a dress shirt for Sunday, "one of you three wet the bed last I'm the oldest here."

"Oh, ancient one are you ready to head down for dinner," Samantha asked.

The other room's door slammed.

"Yeah, I'm ready, Sean are you coming?"

"Fine, I want to see you two fight it's entertaining," Sean said while he texted and followed behind me.

Sharron didn't wait marching away from everyone.

We ran after her. Sean, Samantha, and I barely caught her at the elevator.

"Why are you so pissed," I asked, "Is it all because I didn't tell you? You would have told your parents."

"Maybe I would have, maybe I wouldn't."

"Come on, you know you would have," Samantha said.

Sean said, "I always trust you, to do what you think is right, regardless of how it affects others."

"Isn't that a good thing," Sharron asked.

"Not if it violates trust," I said, "if I don't want to tell your parents and you think I should, you telling it's showing you don't respect me... cause you'll do what you think is right no matter what."

Sharron smelt scared and angry, "so none of you trust me."

"We trust you to be you," Samantha said.

"Maybe it's a good thing we are all doing separate programs in different states," Sharron said.

"Well apart from me and Sean," I said, while we filed out of the elevator into the gold and marble lobby, "Oh, Sean, did your mom give you the letter."

"Yeah, how did you know about it," Sean asked, then slipped his phone in his pants pocket.

"Because I got one that looked just like yours," I said. We all took seats in the easy chairs by the lobby's fireplace area. Papa and Mama Miller hadn't gone up with us, how long till Mama and Papa get here, Sharron and Sean are in weird moods.

"You got one, like mine, what are you talking about?"

"Your acceptance letter, what did you think I meant," I asked.

"Oh nothing... no I haven't seen it," Sean said. He dropped the conversation and stared at the fire.

"So, what does everyone want to do first," Samantha asked.

"Food then sleep," Sean said.

"Ok what about tomorrow," I asked, "I want to see the changes to the Pirates of the Caribbean area."

"The finding Nemo submarine ride should be open this year," Samantha said, "the monorail was closed last year for that, so let's do both then the monorail tour."

"Oh, yeah we didn't get too," Sharron said, "We got to do that see the whole park on the monorail... I wish it was last year."

"Why is that," Samantha asked, Sean and I murmured interest.

"I didn't know you two were gay," Sharron said, "we had the whole year together and things weren't... so hard. I wasn't looking forward to coming this year, and it's the first time I've ever felt like this."

"Yeah, it's like this year killed our childhood," Sean said, "but it had to happen, right?"

"It didn't have to kill anything," Samantha said.

"I think we haven't had time to get used to these changes," I said.

"Well things will be different in August," Sharron said.

"Things are different now," Sean said.

"Do they have to be so different," I stood up to check the rest of the lobby for Papa and Mama Miller.

"They don't have to be... they just are," Sean said.

"Maybe if you told us what happened at camp," Sharron said, "we could get back to normal."

"Then get used to the way things are," Sean said while he pulled his phone out.

"You're just going to text and ignore us now," Sharron asked.

"Depends on how annoying you end up being," Sean said.

"So Xander did you have to sign up for the classes you'll start in September," Samantha asked cutting across Sharron.

"No there's an e-mail that announces the enrollment for incoming freshmen," I said, "I have to wait for that, Sean, you haven't gotten your letter?"

"No, but it's not like I've really wanted to talk to mom or dad," Sean said.

"So, you won't talk about camp," Sharron asked, "but you'll hold a grudge about it?"

"Did mom and dad ever blackmail you," Sean asked, "so you'd do something you didn't want to do?"

Sharron stopped her retort as Papa and Mama Miller got off the elevator.

"Hey gang, you all look kinda tense, what's wrong," Mama Miller asked.

"We were just talking about Sharron and I going out of State," Samantha said ears drooping.

"Oh colleges... Sean, I'm sorry I have your letter in my purse," Mama said.

"So where did you all want to get dinner," Papa asked.

"We talked about going to Plaza," I said while Sean, Sharron and Samantha stood.

"Great, I like that place," Mama Miller said then passed Sean his letter.

We moved to the concierge desk and Papa requested a hotel express to take us to the park.

"So, after dinner we have five hours," Mama said, "want to go on anything."

"It been a long day," Sean said, "I might head back to the hotel and sleep if that's ok."

"That's ok just don't go alone," Mama said.

"I want to see stuff," Sharron said and Sam nodded.

"I'll go back with Sean," I said.

Papa Miller said, "I don't know if that is a great-"

"That will be fine Xander, thank you for volunteering," Mama said glaring at Papa.

We boarded the express.

"I'm thinking of specializing in Immunology," Samantha said, "I know Xander's mentioned Marketing, but I have no idea what you two want to do?"

"I'm thinking business management," Sharron said.

"Go figure you love telling people what to do," Sean said, reading through his letter.

"At least I'm not passive aggressive about everything," Sharron snapped.

"Calm down you two," Papa said, "Sean I would like to hear what you're interested in as well."

"Oh, now my opinion matters," Sean said, "if I tell you, are you going to make me take a different program?"

Papa blinked in surprise.

"Sean apologize to your father right now," Mama said.

"I'm sorry I spoke my mind," Sean said, "I'll be sure to avoid doing that in the future."

Mama glanced at the others on the bus perking their ears and dropped the subject.

"I'd like to know, Sean," Samantha said softly.

"I thought about being a counselor or some kind of legal mediator," Sean said, "but I don't think I can deal with someone else's problems, I have enough of my own now."

No one said anything more till we got to the restaurant. Chat started again as we were lead to a table.

Sharron and Samantha chatted with Papa and Mama Miller, while we waited for our food. I kept trying to talk to Sean but he kept brushing me off to text on his phone.

After all our food arrived Papa said, "Everyone hold paws and let's pray."

I took Samantha's paw closed my eyes and held my other paw to Sean but he didn't take it.

I peaked, Sean had his arms crossed, leaning away from me, sitting in the back of his chair.

"Are you not going to join us in prayer," Mama asked.

"You always taught me not to pray unless you mean what you're praying," Sean said.

"Well you can't eat if you don't pray," Papa said waving his paw for Sean to take it.

"I guess I won't eat then," Sean said lip curled.

"Sean stop being a pup," Papa said, "just do as you're told. Take my paw so we can pray."

"You don't get to tell me what to do," Sean said shaking from head to toe, "you lost that right when you forced me to go to camp."

"I sent you to camp so that I would know you were safe and upright while in college," Papa said in a controlled quiet.

"Well, I went to camp," Sean said, "now I can't wait to go to college and get away from you."

"I see you're still not ready for college," Papa snapped.

Mama said, "Honey, We agreed-"

"Liar, you Alpha damned hypocrite," Sean yelled shaking the table as he stood.

"Sit down and don't speak using the Alpha's name that way," Papa said standing over Sean.

"I can't eat so I'll just go back to the hotel," Sean said turning from Papa.

Papa grabbed Sean's shoulder and Sean balled his paws.

He might hit Papa, what happened to him.

Papa said, "You're not walking alone."

I stood up quickly, "I'll go with him."

"But you haven't eaten, Karl stop this," Mama said.

"No, it's ok," I said while Sean pulled away from Papa and headed for the door.

"Thank you Xander," Mama said but let's get your food boxed. She had our food boxed in less than two minutes, then let me go.

I ran to follow Sean, but couldn't see him. I followed the straightest route to the hotel. When I got to the South Harbor Boulevard Sean was passing the hotel when he should have turned right. I ran towards the Santa Ana Freeway, "Hey Sean, slow down, where are you going? The hotel is back that way."

"I don't need a watchdog," Sean said stopping and turning back.

"I know you don't... but are you ok," I asked, as I got closer I could smell salt.

Sean sniffled, "I'm fine, I just want to be alone."

"Ok, I'll hang out in the girl's room," I said.

"Thanks," he said.

We walked in silence, till my stomach growled loudly.

"I thought you weren't hungry," He said as we walked into the lobby.

"I lied so you could leave," I said, "But Mama made me take our food."

"That was nice of her," Sean said while we waited for the elevator.

"Are-are you ok?"

"No, that acceptance letter said that families are expected to contribute, fifty-six percent of tuition. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Papa will come around."

"I don't want to live under the threat that college will be pulled out from under me," Sean said as we boarded the empty elevator.

"My parents are paying for me to have an apartment near campus, most of that fifty-six is housing and food. You'll live with me like we planned and you won't have to worry about all that," I said.

Sean shifted like he was going to hug me but stopped clutching his right arm.

When we got to the room we ate in the easy chairs.

"I still think you'd be a great mediator," I said between mouthfuls.

"What kind of mediator yells during a meal in public," Sean asked.

"Hey, just don't ever bring your dad to work, problem solved."

"Thanks, Xander, I'm sorry that I'm... different now."

"No thanks needed you're my best friend I always want to be here for you."

"Everything would have been easier if we were just straight," Sean said.

"Maybe, but we'll do the best we can," I said throwing away the empty takeout containers.

"Thank you for being my friend." Sean said.

"You're welcome are you ok, you seem really down?"

"I just need sleep," Sean said standing by the bed next to the connector doorway.

"Ok, I'll hang in the other room, but are you sure it's just being sleepy," I asked from that doorway.

"No... I hate being gay... I hate everything and everyone... well not you but everyone else."

I moved to hug him.

"Get away, don't touch me," Sean said scrabbling across the bed, "I-I'm sorry, I just need space."

"I understand," I said confused as hell, closing the door behind me with a click. I listened at the door to Sean cry till his breathing evened. Alpha what do I do, how could I help him.

He snapped awake when the bus shook, Damnit I over shot city hall. He yanked the bus cord, then checked his phones map,I'm ten blocks off, he clambered down to the sidewalk. He ran back, hoping he'd make it before Sean left. He checked his phone hoping he hadn't missed Sean. It showed Sean still at work but that was old info and it wasn't updating. He huffed when he reached Sean's office, Sean wasn't at his desk.

"Perfect, why can't you work in one place like a normal person," He said to the empty desk.

He went to his own desk to see if Sean had e-mailed or texted him, but there was nothing.

"Hey, where are you," He texted, "I needed to talk to you about work."

He ran to Mr. Franks' office, hoping Jessi might have Sean schedule.

When he got there Jessi looked jittery, "Hey, do you know where Sean is?"

Her eyes went wide, "Oh, you haven't heard Sean quit and stormed off, he yelled at a Pack big wig in the lobby and the rumor is that that was his father. Sean didn't look well when he came in."

"Shit, so he left?"

"Well yeah do you stick around after you quit," She said.

Papa Miller came out of Mr. Franks Office, "Good Xander I thought I heard you. I need your help."

"Papa, I kinda need to go find Sean."

"Xander come in here," Mr. Franks said.

"Franks, Papa, I need to go."

"No, I need you to tell me what's going on with Sean," Mr. Franks said, "Miller here says you two are best friends."

"We are," he said, "but I need to find Sean now, can I explain things later."

"Please Xander two minutes," Papa said.

"Ok, well I think Sean's kinda having a nervous breakdown, he is facing things he hasn't addressed in a decade and it's all bubbling up right now. So where did he go?"

"I don't know," Papa said, "I should have followed him."

"I wanted him to debate some bigoted camp director," Franks said.

"Shit Mr. Swenson is the camp guy," He said turning to the door.

"Where are you going," Papa asked, "Do you have an idea about where he went he was walking."

He stopped at the door, "No, I don't but I need to find him somehow."

"Well, if you find him," Mr. Franks said, "talk sense into him, I don't accept his resignation if he wants back."

He scheduled a pick up by a retriever with destination to be determined at departure.

"I will but what are we doing about the debate," He asked.

"Franks and I have talked," Papa said, "about you and me representing the city."

"Me, I hate cameras," He said loudly.

"So do I, but you'll get used to it," Papa said, "and it could mean Sean doesn't have to deal with Swenson."

"Fine, Franks this debate could be bad press for the city," He said while holding the door knob, "and for the town Swenson is on the counsel for. It's not good for matters this personal to enter a debate covering completely different issues."

"I agree but the debate was publicly announced," Franks said, "changing participants is bad enough, we can't cancel."

He said, "Maybe talk to Amy or Vivian at channel five."

His phone buzzed, " Hey Xander, do you know why Sean is on Aurora? Did you see him at City Hall?"

"Shit that's where he is," He texted, "I need you to call him and text him, I'm on my way there," Another damned bridge shit.

"Sean's not taking calls or reading his texts." Oliver texted.

"Ok I found Sean, wish me luck," He said running from the office full pelter while he texted Oliver, "That's fine, just give him something to ignore, Oliver this is important."

His fear flashed through him with currents of his dream.

Halfway through the Hearthome Gym in my Pokemon game, in the girl's room with the lights out, I sat up from a weird noise from Sean's room. I went to the door to listen. It sounded like Sean whimpered and talked in his sleep.

"No please, George let me out, he's in here with me please George..."

I felt cold, What do I do, should I go in there?

Sean gave a bloodcurdling scream, it made me cover my ears.

I struggled with the divider door but it was locked from the other side.

"Sean, are you ok," I called through the door and knocked.

I heard the other room's hallway door slam.

Was that him did he leave, what if someone abducted him, would it be safe to follow, no he was dreaming... a night terror maybe?

I left my DS and ran from the hotel room, the elevator headed to the ground floor so I took the stairs.

When I reached the lobby, a bellhop asked, "Are you ok?"

"No," I said, "I'm trying to find my friend he is a dark furred wolf."

"Oh, he went outside," the bellhop said.

"Thanks." I ran out the door.

When I reached the South Harbor Boulevard I looked left and right, spotting Sean to the right, he neared the freeway overpass.

I ran as hard and as fast as I could.

When I thought, he might hear me I called, "Sean what are you doing?" He didn't react, stared fixed at the twinkling car lights while leaning dangerously on the guard rail.

I ran harder, till I heard him yelling at the air, "This is your fault why did you do this to me."

"Sean what are you doing?" I yelled from the lower edge of the over pass.

He looked at me, "I... I'm, not doing anything."

"I heard you up stares and now you're out here, tell me what's wrong?"

"Go away Xander you can't help me."

"No, you had a nightmare, come on," I said stopping when he backed up to match my steps forward.

"Everything is a nightmare now," He said.

"You're out of camp, you're going to college you get to be whatever you want."

"Xander, Why are you crying?"

"You're scaring me, please don't lean like that."

He moved away from the guard rail.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you I'm just angry," Sean said, but he smelt like a liar.

"I wish I could help, I'll always be here for you." I said, then reached out a shaky paw.

"Thank you Xander."

He regarded my paw not stepping forward till I lowered it.

"Can we please go back," I asked.

"Fine, we can go back."

We walked to the hotel.

"You heard me dreaming," Sean asked.

"Yeah you had a night terror, I heard you scream," I said.

"Oh... how embarrassing..."

"You really didn't mean for that other guy to be your first did you?"

"No..."

"I'm, sorry I doubted you Sean," I said.

"I forgive you." He mumbled.

"Were you going to jump?"

"What-why would you think that?"

"Because you looked like you'd jump."

"You don't know anything Xander," he said, "I just wanted fresh air."

"Don't ever do that... for me please don't," I said not hiding my tears.

"If you promise to never speak about this."

"Fine," I said shaking from head to toe, He was thinking... no he was going to... he wouldn't have would he... Alpha protect him.

Chapter 51 Sean PoV

The gusts up on the bridge bit through Sean's light jacket and fur. The boats moving slowly below nothing like the cars and chaos around and inside him.

"What you want and are, is unnatural." His shadow mocked.

"I didn't want this, I never have." His cheek bristled with the heat of his failure.

"You hide, you lied, and now you are unable to change."

He walked further toward the middle of the bridge while he felt every driver passing by watching and judging him.

"What other options did I have?"

"You could have been Giving like Xander, Proud like Sharron, Honest like Samantha. You've been none of these things, Oliver, Xander, and Paul are going to hell like you are but at least they're better people than you've ever been."

"I haven't killed, or raped." His stomach roiled with fiery butterflies.

The sun hid in a bank of clouds, like it was ashamed of him.

"You haven't rape because you haven't had the chance and if you meet your rapist again you would kill. And you have attacked Xander and your father when you felt justified. Choice after selfish choice has hurt those around you."

"I'm not trying to hurt anyone." He held his cold arms across his chest.

"Some only cause harm, you want to help others but how can you when you can't help yourself."

He paused at wilting flowers and a winged teddy wolf chained to the fence. The battered and dirty stuffed angel felt as lonely and incapable as he did.

"Hey little guy what brought you up here," he said, croaking over the tickling suspicion in his throat.

"Someone like you, someone that didn't belong."

"People missed her, for a time at least, would anyone miss me?"

Below the desiccated flowers hung a cross with Megan written in block letters.

His heart raced as he searched past the judgmental drivers for tire marks in the road or damage to the concrete barrier.

"What happened to you?" He felt a hot knowing dagger in his chest.

"She flew and now she's free, you think about flying like she did. Then you don't have to think about hurting your sisters, disappointing your parents, and destroying Xander. He wasted ten years he could have been happy on you."

I didn't want any of that, Alpha what have I done.

A truck rushed past, its wake buffeted against him, he pictured the wind rushing past him as he fell.

"Does it matter what you wanted, the world doesn't care, what you made is a bluster that pushed everyone you love around."

"I will think about, what's true, what's noble, what's right, what's pure, what's lovely, what's admirable." He bit back tears.

"Are you true, noble, or right, because you definitely are not pure, lovely, or admirable?"

A muted ferry horn cut the air below.

He checked his phone. He had too many messages and didn't want to talk to anyone. It'd be so draining too read all of them.

"See you've manipulated so many into wasting time and energy on you."

"I tried to be there for them." The fresh chill of his failure washed over him like the misting rain.

"Try, try, try, if you could actually succeed it might matter."

Think of something happy, there has to be something left to be happy about, Hitting dad and Xander. Lying to Sharron about Xander's feelings toward her to hide being gay. Shaming mom for not protecting him the way he wanted her too. Telling Oliver he had a home then walking away. Teasing Xander for getting turned on by him for a decade because he couldn't reciprocate but wanted too.

"If you could change you would stop all the pain you cause."

"I'm trying, all I want is to help." He leaned against the cold concrete before the taller metal fence that the angel was chained too.

"You try and help everyone else, but you always quit when it gets hard."

The muted sun of fall peaked through the clouds.

"I try, I always try, I wanted to be straight, I wanted to be a good son, a good believer."

"Aren't you supposed to be able to do all things through him who gives you strength, oh, wait not you because you are weak willed and never really believed?"

"I did, I have." The heart hurt of doubt weighed on him.

He jumped when a car honked on the road behind him.

"You never tried to change how you work sexually."

"I tried to get interested in Xander." Xander's words echoed, I can't be a place holder.

"Exactly you choose sin and shame over the way the Alpha designed it to be."

The wind flapped the wings of the chained little angel.

"It's not a choice, I don't want things like this they just are."

"So, it must be time to run again. Now you will fly, see there is one thing you can't fail at if you choose too."

"I'll be free, but nothing else."

He untied the angel and looked at the top of the fence judging its height.

"Is it the angels turn to fly? You know you'll never be free but everyone else can be. Stop holding everyone else back."

"No someday I'll be free." The dirty angel felt cleaner then he was.

"There's only one way you'll free anyone but you're a coward."

The sun shifted back behind clouds.

"I can't keep hurting everyone." Bitter realization rumbled like the boats hundreds of meters below.

"You're right they'll get over it. It's not like they really loved you."

"I can't keep failing."

Again, memory haunted him. Xander leaving him, both years and days ago. When he made mom, cry driving home from camp, dad's shock after he said, "you two put me through hell, and I hate you for it." Getting aroused by Oliver talking about his rape. Fantasizing about raping Paul.

"You're dangerous, you will really hurt someone, it's a matter of time."

"I quit my job," He said in surprise.

"They will be fine, they didn't need you to begin with, they and everyone else will get over it."

He felt the light rain chill down his tear streaked cheeks, making channels of cold that ran down to pool under his chin.

"But it's a sin, I'll be damned for it." He hid his muzzle from the clouded sun.

"You're already damned and you know it."

"I will hurt Samantha, Oliver, and Xander."

The wind seemed to speak his name scornfully, it called for action.

"You could damage Sam's career. In fact you already have. Oliver shouldn't be around a sinner that brings him further into ill repute he is celibate and should remain that way."

"I'll be setting them free I'm just a burden."

He stepped one leg on the waist high concrete barrier.

Sorry Xander.

Then grabbed the top bar of the metal fence to pull himself up and over.

I can't change I failed everyone.

A car honked in a far-off place at him, his heart was loud in his ears as the rest of him went numb.

Alpha please forgive me for what I'm about to do.

He pushed off the barrier getting most of the way to the top.

Alpha, I know you can't but I'll ask anyway.

His elbow neared the top to leverage himself over, when a black blur in the corner of his right eye slammed into him. His shoulder popped painfully when he struck the walkway below, and motes of light danced around him.

"You bastard, you shiteater." Xander yelled right fist thudding onto his chest for emphasis, "What the fuck, Sean? How dare you," Xander remained on top of him.

"See you fail at everything."

"Why'd you stop me," He tearfully asked, when he could breathe again, while trying to push Xander off of him.

"Why? What the hell do you mean, 'why'd I stop you,' you promised to never, and you were- how could you think about doing that, what is it with you and Alpha damned bridges," Xander asked, still pinning his arms under him.

A knife of pain shot through the shoulder He landed on, "Get off me, you don't understand."

"He can't understand he doesn't have real problems."

"What don't I understand, it's kinda obvious what you were doing," Xander yelled.

"I needed to, to-to make all your lives better," He said trying to roll to the side.

"Better," Xander asked punching his hurt shoulder, "how the hell is losing someone I love above all others better? You sheath rinse."

"Fuck dude, that hurt," He said clutching his arm.

"Good, pain might bring you to your senses," Xander said.

"Will you get off me, barbdick," He said.

"No, I don't trust you," Xander said.

"Great," He said, "so you're just going to lay on me in public... in the rain."

"It's just a light misting," Xander said.

He shook his head, "You're ridiculous."

"Fine, I'll let you up but promise to come with me right now."

"Whatever, let me up," He asked, "I think my shoulders dislocated?"

Xander dug into the shoulder, ignoring his yelp, then said, "Feels fine too me, maybe its compacted, hopefully just bruised."

Xander threw me to the ground, he fucking threw me to the ground, he'll tell everyone what happened, he can't do that it's not his right, you deserve all this just let it happen. If you deserve this why did Xander stop you? No he ruined it. Does he care after everything.

Bitterly He said, "Just take me home."

"No we are going to Oliver's, I'm not letting you be alone," Xander said.

"I'm not going to do anything damnit."

"You lied to me about this shit before, come let's go my retriever said he would park off 6th."

They walked in silence, He cringed under Xander's repeated glances.

"Don't look at me like that," He said.

"Like what?"

"Like you have some right to pity me."

"I don't pity you Sean, I love you and I just don't understand."

"You don't understand what it's like, you never had to go through... everything and and everyone loves you for you. They all want me to be something else," He said, too numb to cry.

"I don't... well yes I did but I know now, you never explained, how could I understand," Xander said.

"I didn't want you to know, I never wanted anyone too, it should have just gone away," He said.

"So, because it wouldn't go away you thought you would," Xander asked paws balled at his sides.

"No, STOP pitying me," He said loudly. He angled away from the cars as they passed.

"I'm not fucking pitying you, I'm trying to understand what's going on in your stupid head," Xander said kicking a pebble while they approached the southern edge of the bridge.

"Nothing new is going on, just more of it... are you going to tell Oliver," He asked his shoulder still throbbing.

"Already texted him," Xander said.

"Alpha damned meddlesome family," He muttered.

"What did they have to do with it," Xander asked guiding them down the walkway to the road that passed under the bridge on the hillside.

"You, you idiot," He said, "I think I need something for my shoulder."

"Well Oliver is anti-medicine," Xander said, "apart from the one, maybe we should hit up your sister or Pence?"

"Great... hey my shoulder hurts," He said, "oh, how did that happen, Xander tackled me, ah, rough housing again what did you do this time, nothing just got really depressed..."

"Well don't tell them that," Xander said.

"I think not telling people things is why I got so depressed," He said.

They got in the Retriever.

"Well I messaged Oliver," Xander said then gave the driver the address, "he hasn't gotten back to me if he can get something for your shoulder."

He sat, how did I get to this point?

"Lies and deception, you're still not telling him everything."

I can't tell him.

"Why because he'd know the sight of him makes your skin crawl."

"Shut up," He said quietly.

"What was that," Xander asked.

"Oh nothing, just thinking," He said as buildings passed after a light went green.

"So, Franks says he doesn't accept your resignation," Xander said, "he just wants you to be ok and get your shit back together."

"Alpha, I don't know if I can ever go back," He said smacking his head into the window gently a few times but that only made his shoulder hurt worse.

"Hey, could it all be from your new allergy meds," Xander asked.

"Maybe, but I doubt it," He said.

"So, you feel like this all the time," Xander asked.

"No, but let's talk about it later," He said avoiding the driver's eyes in the mirror.

"We need to talk about it," Xander said, "right now you avoid this issue to much."

Alpha, let us get there fast.

When they hit another red light Xander said, "Will you answer me?"

"No Xander, not right now," He said.

"Then when," Xander asked, "You put this shit off every time I asked, and look at where it got you."

"About just one thing, and damn it later," He said loudly.

"No now," Xander said, "were you depressed about the rape or the howl-away-the-gay camp?"

The driver's ears went down and he looked back at the road quickly.

"Damnit Xander, for Alpha fucking sake, we aren't alone," He yelled.

"Oh later... but you have to tell me," Xander said.

"Fine, whatever, you are situationally blind," He said as the car pulled into a loading and unloading zone in front of Oliver's building.

He marched to the door and paged Oliver's apartment.

Xander came over after he paid the driver.

"I don't think Oliver is here," He said.

"You can get in the garage, right," Xander asked.

"We shouldn't even be here," He said, "I left out of the blue he probably hates me."

"Nope he doesn't, this way," Xander said then dragged him thankfully by the good arm towards the garage.

"Enter the door code," Xander said.

"But it's terspass-"

"Enter the damn code."

"Alpha I preferred you when you were all spineless and nervous," He said.

"Oh, shut up, I'm still pissed at you," Xander said as they headed to the stairs.

"You're pissed," He said while Xander dragged him up the stairs, "you're the prick that broadcast my life story to the damn retriever you have on speed dial."

"If you would stop hiding shit from your best friend," Xander said, "the one person that's closest to you, who's practically your brother, maybe that someone should be trusted, then he wouldn't have to demand things at awkward times."

"I don't tell things to people that speak in the third person and never get to the point," He said while Xander dragged him into Oliver's unlit apartment.

"Oh, shut up grammar fiend... well, I guess Oliver isn't here," Xander said.

"First things first," He said while he walked to the living room, "why should I tell you anything? You keep blabbing shit all over the place, you're as bad as Sharron."

"No, she honestly thinks she knows better," Xander said, "and is justified in doing what she does, I just wasn't thinking."

"Oh yes, everyone prefers inconsiderate clumsiness to self-righteous rudeness," He said.

"Fine I'll work on being more situationally aware, now stop being evasive, I see you trying to move onto grammar and all that other crap, tell me what's going on," Xander asked.

"This isn't stuff I want to talk about," He said then paced the room.

"Well tough tits, you nearly died because you kept everything inside."

"But it will hurt you too."

"That's what friends are for to make each other's lives better in joy and pain."

"Well that's all pretty sounding but... never mind," He said, where are all the throw pillows?

"Never mind nothing Sean, stop walking around and tell me about that camp, the-the rape, why your angry and what's wrong," Xander said then grabbed his left paw, the one on his bad arm.

"Dude watch that fucking arm," He said brushing Xander off and walked to the apartment door, "Arrrgggh, See you just don't think and you get me hurt, tackling me, telling my mom... leaving when I was trying to-to, nothing never mind."

"I never meant for things to end up that way and you know it," Xander said blocking the door, "I don't want to hurt you Sean."

"Then why are you always in my muzzle," He said, balling his fists, " I told you it doesn't work for you but you, you never tried dating someone else. You'd go on dates but they always had a flaw. You didn't want it to work... never, get out of the way Xander I'm going to a drug store."

"I can tell you're lying," Xander said back to the door, "and what are you going to do, hit me like you did your dad? I know you only get violent when people try and stop you, or force you into something, but you said you'd talk about this, so keep your word."

"You want to know, well fuck it," He yelled, "I love you but the sight of you makes me remember my every nightmare. I wanted you to be there for me but you told my mom right after I was fucking raped."

"Tell him what he did."

"At camp, they had my journal and photos of us together," He yelled nose to nose with Xander's frightened and shocked muzzle, "I hate mirrors but I can't not see you... they would stick my arm in ice, when I got aroused and that started it all, that shit, you know, by having me think of you."

"More, hurt him more."

"I was put in isolation for breaking a camp rule," He yelled knees failing, "and all I wanted was you, mom, and dad to get me out of there, but no, He was at camp it must have been fucking great," he fell on Xander huffing, "Like I ever wanted to be in that shithole. You all left me there," he sobbed, "thinking of how I broke my promises, and then hearing over and over my every sin in verse," Xander held him, "they read my journal and lectured me on my feelings for you and that if I had accepted a celibate life I wouldn't have been raped."

"You are weak, just pathetic-"

"Sean hate me if you need to," Xander said, "but I'll still love you, I'm so sorry that happened."

"I live like a celibate," He felt Xander guiding his stumbling paws to the guest bed, "I'm allergic to cats and canids were ruined for me, and I only get turned on by shit that scares me."

"Because you are a monster you need to jump next ti-"

"You have allergy meds, everything is getting better," Xander said.

"Why don't you hate me, I led you on for years," He said while Xander made him lay down.

"You are my best friend, I'll never hate you. Anyway, you said you weren't trying to lead me on."

"I didn't think you thought of it that way," He said, "I thought you'd see it as just cuddling, I was trying to get turned on."

"I understand, I think," Xander said.

"You must think I'm completely fucked up." He felt Xander's arms wrap around him with a blanket that covered them.

"No, you didn't turn to drugs you're just having a rough patch... I am sorry I told your mom but I can't change that, I want to be here for you now."

"But I'm so perverted, I keep having rape fantasies, the first sexual thought of you was me nearly raping you," He said hiding under the blanket.

"Oh... Well that's progress right," Xander said, "you had an aversion to canids and I was in a fantasy, albeit kinkier and a sore subject matter for you, that's progress."

"Wow, and I thought I was fucked up, how is getting off on hurting you progress?"

"Think about it, right after that camp I couldn't touch you without you freaking out, I thought it was just that you were pissed Sean. We are cuddling right now, you're changing yourself."

"I'm scared what if I become like him, the guy that did this to me, I'd kill myself first," He said then yelped when Xander's protective hug hurt his shoulder.

"I won't let you kill yourself or become that monster," Xander said loosening his grip, "but you have to tell me what's going on in that neurotic little brain of yours."

The apartment door slammed open.

"Xander what happened," Oliver yelled in a panic.

"I just got back from Sean's attempted suicide," Xander said.

He ducked under the covers in embarrassment only hearing Oliver enter the room.

"What, how did all that happen," Oliver asked, the edge of the bed sagged.

"Well, I pulled him off the fence trying to jump," Xander said.

"Fuck why would he do that?"

"You'd have to ask him."

"I can't I broke my phone."

He snaked his good arm around Oliver earning a startle yelp, "I'm right here you dork."

"Thank Goodness," Oliver said, "Xander was freaking me out then my dad called and I kinda stomped on my phone."

He squirmed as Oliver crushed his shoulder with a hug.

"uhm, might want to be gentle on him," Xander said, "I kinda hurt his shoulder stopping him from jumping."

"Can we not talk about it... it's embarrassing," He said.

Oliver kissed him, "I'm so happy you are ok, now stay that way," then he kissed Xander.

He felt Xander get a little hard against him, Show off, you make it look so Alpha damned easy.

He felt Oliver's legs twine with his as he slipped under the blanket to cuddle.

Xander said, "Well I'll let you two snug-"

Oliver pulled Xander into his little spoon.

He could smell both Oliver and Xander had gotten horny, but they only snuggled him.

"You both said you're my family don't ever leave," Oliver said sleepily nuzzling his ear.

He wrapped his and Oliver's paws around Xander's chest.

They lay for a time, then Xander asked, "Sean, are you awake?"

"Yeah, but I think Oliver passed out, he didn't get much sleep last night."

"Ok, I couldn't tell who was snoring. I passed out on the bus to city hall."

"Then I guess its nap time," He said.

"Ok, but I want to know about your fantasies," Xander asked, "why do they scare you so much."

"What if I get lonely or start thinking about acting on them," He asked.

"I don't think you would."

"When I was here with Oliver, I was amping myself up with his rape story. You know pinning him and then I realized what I was doing, it freaked me out."

"It must be hard realizing that you find the thing that caused so much pain hot."

"What if I'm just using him to get better just like I used you," He asked.

"Talk to Oliver about it," Xander said.

"I can't do that."

"Sean you need too."

Oliver sniffed his cheek and licked him then went back to snoring.

Chapter 52 Oliver PoV

I stood in the door of a crumbling chapel. The door and walkway of the church I grew up with but inside it looked a blending of several different faiths. Bricks, mortar, tapestries, and Stained Glass rattled, then a few nearby bricks broke off walls denting the pews, they fell like snow on overly heavy branches, clumps here and clumps there.

"Stop, no go back," I yelled.

"It can't stop, you caused this, all of this," the single horned darkness said.

"I didn't mean to, I never wanted this."

"You chose you're angels over this temple and The Prime."

"It's so beautiful how do I make it stop?"

"There is no stopping it now," the darkness said.

The collapse of the building gained in momentum. I ran from the doorway into the playground. I felt alarmed for a second, but no feral lions or mist formed this time and the darkness leaned on the chain linked fence red smile taunting me. Everywhere I looked was empty and falling apart, all the houses in my hometown. I watched helplessly as the circle of stained glass over the door tipped towards me and fell. The Angel and the Name of the Prime shattered across the walkway.

"No no, it can't be my fault everyone will hate me."

"Boy, they always hated you, you lived a lie, and stole their love. They wouldn't have given it to you if they knew what you were."

"I have to fix it, I will, then they won't hate me," I said while I gathered the glass in my shirt.

"You can't fix this, it's beyond your power. You are already fallen, I could despoil you again but what's the point," the darkness said then turned to walk away.

My world collapsed, my last place of comfort and beauty shattered but the horned darkness's disinterest felt like the confirmation of my fears, that I was no longer the primes.

The setting sun glinted off the glass like it was a rippling lake, that I scrambled to scoop up.

"I don't know where the pieces should go."

"You waste your time."

"I have to try."

I cut my paws as I set piece after piece out. I wouldn't be able to work after the sun set. The circle formed as I rushed. Three quarters of the way through I couldn't find any more pieces.

"Oh no, where did the rest go?"

"It's lost to the night, boy, like your faith, and you haven't even seen what you have wrought."

"What do you mean the glass broke here, the pieces must be here."

"Look at what you made," the darkness said then slipped into a shadow disappearing before the sun set.

The glass made a single muzzle the top half was half tiger and half wolf, the lower left corner part dog, the lower right corner was missing and I needed to find it.

Then the sunset and I was in the living room at my parents' house. Mom set the table while dad dragged chains with names inlayed on them into the room and opened the word of the Prime.

I sat in a straight back chair in the middle of the room with no one to help me.

"Prime our father, I ask you to show this boy, this creature, who is fallen, your justice." Dad cried out to the ceiling while he wrapped my arm with clinking Resentment.

"Dad stop, why are you doing this to me," I asked.

"Banish the demon of lust, this boy has become." Dad cried wrapping my other arm in Hatred.

"Wolfy, Shepherd help me, what do I do?"

"My son is no longer pure, he is corrupted and does not believe." Dad cried shackling my leg to Bitterness.

Wolfy and my Shepherd appeared beside me.

"How do I get out of this?"

"He entangled himself in thorns, let him and these thorns both burn." Dad latched my other leg with Self-Loathing.

"We can't free you, you hold the key," my angels said as one.

"Prime our Father my son is not my son anymore, he is dead and damned," Dad said while he latched the chains together with Fear, an iron single horned head, then left to have dinner with mom.

"Where is the key, I don't know what to do?"

"The key is hidden in you, find it and you will be well," Wolfy said then hugged me.

My Shepherd pet my head while their scents filled my nose.

"What is the key?" I pleaded.

"Love," they said together.

Warmth race through me in the placed dad had condemned me for. But it felt so good I let it continue, something warm, hard and musky was in my paw.

He felt a confining warmth press against him stirring his dreams into fantasies. His nose filled with the woodsy smell like cedar he was coming to love, and he smelled a cinnamon piney mix, he mumbled, "Sean, I'm so glad you're safe." Fuzzy headed he drifted down finding Sean's confined erection. He unbuttoned Sean's pants stroking down its length Sean pushed back against him.

The reach felt weird, things not where they should be. Xander moaned, "Sean, what are you doing?"

"Trying to sleep," Sean said, "why are you two moving around so much."

He peeked over Sean's shoulder remembering Xander.

He and Xander jumped when they made eye contact, He pulled his paw out of Xander's pants, "Shit sorry."

"Geez, I guess we aren't napping anymore," Sean said shifting.

"No, it's ok we can go back to sleep," He said while he felt bits of himself now tucked under Sean's tail.

"I can tell you're horny, and Xander's being cuddled so I know he is too... what were you two doing," Sean asked over his shoulder.

"Well, I thought it was you, so I was..." He gestured with his paw.

"And what about you," Sean asked squeezing Xander gently.

"I was mostly asleep and I thought it was you."

"Uhm, you just thought molesting me was ok," Sean asked, "and you thought getting molested by me was ok?"

"No, but I was dreaming so it didn't click at first," Xander said, "and in the dream you had never been to that camp and we were... you know making a family together, so it felt normal."

"Aw, see no harm no foul," He said pressing himself into Sean which felt amazing and made his ears burn.

"I don't want to be in a sandwich, thank you," Sean said.

"Well I think that's a blatant lie," He said petting Sean, "The two fantasies you told me about, make me think you liked group activities."

"Damnit, I'm not telling anyone anything anymore," Sean buried his head under the pillow.

He raised an eyebrow at Xander.

"He does that when he's uncomfortable." Xander said.

"I see, is he part mole or ostrich?"

"Yeah Sean, is burying your head genetic?"

"Ask Dad he was great at denial."

...

"At least your dad talks to you," He said.

Sean slumped still under the pillow.

...

"So, he only mentioned one to me," Xander said, "you know the one about him raping me."

"It wasn't about raping you, it was Paul," Sean said from under the pillow.

He pressed himself against Sean, which earned him a muted tail wag, he said, "how interesting, yeah he had that one and one where we claim him together."

"Woah, Sean are you," Xander asked.

"Oliver stop that." Sean said.

"No, I know you like it."

"Wow, He's getting hard, he usually goes soft around me... oops, there it goes," Xander shifted in the bed to be nose to nose with Sean if he wasn't under the pillow.

"Ok, I'm leaving, this is getting weird," Sean said then got into a half crunch, but He used his right paw to push Sean back down.

"You're not going anywhere," He said, "You just went to a bridge, we aren't leaving you unsupervised."

"Oh, look he's getting hard again, that's progress." Xander said rubbing Sean's pants.

"I need to get my allergy meds." Sean shifted unable to break free.

He leaned back to the nightstand which pressed him harder into Sean, "You mean these meds, you left them here when you ran off." He shook the bottle for Sean then set it back.

"Oh... then, I need to get dinner," Sean said. He snaked his right arm under and around Sean's chest.

"No you don't, there are still leftovers," He said.

"You're not getting turned off by me," Xander said tail wagging kissing Sean on the cheek.

"What," Sean said as Xander sandwiched his arm tightly to Sean's chest.

"See there's no escape just cuddle," He said, "if we're damned let's make the best of it."

"Ok, that's a boner killer even for me," Xander said looking over at Sean.

"I thought he was Pack," He asked.

"No, he attends a community pack," Sean said.

"Oh, so a hippy service," He said.

"Better than a cult," Xander said glaring.

"I'm former cult, thank you," he said, "I was disfellowshipped and my dad confirmed that I have no place in heaven a few hours ago."

"...I'm sorry are you ok," Sean asked.

"Yeah, I didn't realize," Xander said.

"I don't know, I smashed my phone," He said a crumbling church and the muzzle made of the glass flashed before him, "but I'm with both of you and that's better than being alone with my thoughts, I just wish I could have a life with someone and my faith, but it always feels like it's one or the other."

"It's always been like that for me too," Sean said.

"It doesn't have to be," Xander said, "I mean I miss you when you're not at service, and Oliver you can come too,"

"You're right Oliver, he is a hippy." Sean said.

"I am not," Xander pushed Sean, then Sean pushed back. They wrestled and rolled around the bed panting and trying to pin each other. He watched leaning on the wooden headboard. Sean was winning so he intervened helping Xander by holding Sean against him where he sat.

"Hey, that's not fair," Sean said.

"You're bigger than Xander, it wasn't fair to begin with," He said.

"Hey Xander, together we can beat him."

"No, I like it when you lose."

"Wow, maybe I shouldn't have intervened," He said.

"No no no, your help is appreciated," Xander said quickly.

"Oliver my arms are falling asleep."

He released Sean, and resettled against the head board then asked, "So, what was it like having a gay best friend?"

They looked at each other with sad eyes but happy cheeks.

"It's been weird at times," Sean said resting the back of his paw over Xander's.

"And finding that balance between each other's wants and wishes was hard... is hard," Xander said clenching his forearm like he wanted to grab Sean's paw but couldn't.

Sean pulled his paw away and flopped on his back parallel to the head board, leg draped across His lap, "it shouldn't have been so difficult, but we were trying to be good and faithful to the Alpha and I was raised on abstinence and waiting till marriage, you know."

He massaged Sean's paws and listened.

Xander lay on his belly with his head half a foot from Sean's, "We have so many shared memories, which is awesome, but it made it hard getting the courage to try anything."

"Xander was the one to start trying," Sean said, "I just couldn't get out of my own head. It's great growing up with a gay best friend but there were, are, so many shared problems."

"I wish Paul was here, Sean I want you two to like each other," Xander said rubbing Sean's ear.

"Well... I don't know, it's weird being around him. I remember that fantasy... I know it never happened but it could. I'm so much bigger than him," Sean said. He felt Sean squirm as he found a ticklish spot on the left paw.

"So, you two can't be friends," Xander asked.

"No... I don't know, it's just weird," Sean said, "but yeah we could be friends, I just think being alone with him isn't a good idea."

"I'm smaller than you and we're fine."

"Only because Sharron would kill me."

"I doubt it, and Sam would patch you up anyway."

What would mom and dad think about this, I'm in bed with two men, it's not sexual, but it could be. Xander felt nice to hold and his cock felt different from Seans, well theirs are the only Canids I've touched that way, maybe there all different.

He pet Sean's legs and rested a calf on Xander's thigh.

Mom and Dad would think this is damning adultery of the soul. But if Sean and Xander wanted it and I want it, would it be wrong? Abraham and David had several wives... Kinda getting ahead of myself I still haven't had sex by choice. I want too, I know Sean does too. But he keeps talking himself out of it. I'll decide then.

He tuned back in when Sean's paw rubbed against his erection, "-on the bridge," Sean said.

Sean did a crunch looking at him with a raised eyebrow, He felt a more intentional rubbing.

"Well hopefully not, but knowing your luck you'll be a news story again," Xander said playing with the hemmed edge of the sheets.

"So Oliver what are you thinking about," Sean asked.

"Oh, nothing. Just my parents."

"What, and that got you?" Sean gestured.

"No, your paw did that and other things." He wanted to adjust his pants so things could be less apparent but doing that would be even more obvious.

"Other things, interesting."

"What are you two talking about," Xander asked.

"Nothing-"

"He's still horny," Sean said.

"Oh... maybe it's all that anxiety being gone," Xander said.

"Or I finally know I can't go back," he said, "I'm gay and that's it. I don't get a choice."

"I'm sorry, I just wish we could help somehow," Sean said.

"Well you and Paul are like family, right," Xander asked.

"Yeah closest thing I have now..."

"Sean and I are too, all of us can be family," Xander said tail wagging.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Don't do that, it reminds me of mom," Sean said covering his muzzle with a pillow again.

"Sean, you like that I'm similar to your family," He said.

Sean harrumphed.

"It gives you that sense of history you have with Xander,"

"Like are parents being parents to the both of us," Xander said, "See we're already becoming family."

"You mean like Mama Miller being a second mom to you?" He asked, "Cause I don't see a boyfriend getting that same emotional depth out of your parents."

Xander rolled his eyes, "No, I mean, we are right here, and right now for you, we can all four of us be family."

"Wow, Xander you are totally a hippy," Sean said.

"Oh, shut it Sean." Xander bat at Sean but Sean jerked his head away smacking it against the head board.

"That you're even thinking along those lines means a lot, thank you," He said, while Sean resumed the groin massage.

"Have either of you two seen sister wives," Sean asked.

"No," He said, "I don't watch tv much."

"Paul and I watch it, he's a former Pridian, the great great grandkit of a sister wife," Xander said, "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just thinking about all four," Sean said, "of us being family would be kinda like that, don't you think, and about family and what makes a family, it has to be more than just blood."

"Yeah, I didn't fit their definition," He said, "my family had for a member, so mine threw me out."

"I think family is who you are committed to being there for," Sean said.

"Well, Paul doesn't want me to get in the way of the two of you being there for each other," Xander said, "He keeps talking about sharing me with you, and I want that too. Me being with Paul should be like you have more family not less."

"Xander wants to be your sister wife," Sean teased.

He chuckled but Xander didn't respond.

"Wait were you actually thinking of that," Sean asked.

"No... Maybe, I don't know, it's confusing," Xander said shifting so no one could make eye contact, "I have been feeling weird. I love you Sean and I think despite the brief time I'm in love with Paul, and I have a crush on Oliver too, I don't know maybe it's a Sheepdog thing or something."

"It sounds nice but it would be so complicated," Sean said, "and think of what people would say."

"We already have a joint family Christmas," Xander said, "I'm serious, why can't we all be together."

"Because that's weird," Sean said.

"Xander you want a multi-relationship," He asked tail dancing.

"That's a sin," Sean said.

He laughed, "Damned if we do damned if we don't."

"Oliver," Sean threw his pillow at him.

"What, then you wouldn't have to worry about being alone with Paul, because he is yours," He said rubbing Sean's paw between each digit.

"Yeah, he's a power kitten, talk to him," Xander said, "you never know. He might share your fantasy."

"Ok, you two are being weird," Sean said trying to get up.

He rolled pinning Sean's paws under his knees and pushed down on his quads.

While Sean sat up in protest but he only got a kiss, then flopped back.

"You two are ridiculous."

"You love it," He said.

"Liked seeing that," Xander said.

"Pervert, you know maybe Oliver and I want some alone time," Sean said glaring at Xander.

"No, he likes me here," Xander said while he bodily lay across Sean.

"Yeah I do, Xander's cute," He said.

"Ok, you're both cutting off my circulation, get off me," Sean said.

"Not all of your circulation," He said rubbing the ticklish spot on Sean's paw.

Sean struggled, "Jerks."

Xander nuzzled Sean, "you have to get better."

"Stop making him think about it," He said, "or he'll keep going soft, it's all in his head."

Sean moved to escape, "Stop."

He stopped tickling.

"But this is like when we used to wrestle," Xander asked rubbing Sean's ear, "you aren't having fun."

Sean twitched that ear away, "it's not that simple Xander, first I always used to win, second Oliver keeps tickling me which is cheating, anyway I need to pee."

He stopped pinning Sean's legs.

"True tickling was cheating," Xander said, then hesitated getting off Sean, "I wish it could just be simple, you're so important to me and you scared me so much today, Don't ever do or think of that ever again," then Xander got off Sean.

Sean sat up rubbing Xander's left ear, Xander nuzzled into the touch. Then Sean went to the bathroom.

After the bathroom door clicked.

"He always used to freak-out," Xander said, "if I touched him when he was turned on, and he hasn't touch my ears since we were seventeen."

They both sat in silence for a moment.

"I think you and I have the same issue," He said laying down where Sean had been, "feeling shunned by the ones we love."

"Yeah but I only had one, and he's been with me just not how I hoped for years and years, but you, you lost everyone."

"Everyone but Paul."

"True."

He sat watching the shadows from a neighboring building flicker on the ceiling.

"Hey, I've been wondering was the FIV why you didn't date Paul," Xander asked laying on his side back to him.

"Yes, and I should have talked to him about it," He said batting at Xander's tail, "but he was all I had, and I just couldn't. I mean what if he freaked out too."

He breathed deeply, Will they smell like family someday, even Paul still smells alien to me, maybe it would be different if I lived with one of them.

"Sean has been such a different person," Xander said laying on his back glancing over at him, "after everything happened, but he never wanted to talk about any of it... and I avoided it, cause what if that ruined everything."

He smelt Xander's cinnamon piney earthiness, that could be family... What do you taste like?

Xander leaned closer_, Does he want a taste too_?

Xander sniffed then sat up and turned away while asking, "are lions and tigers pretty similar in cultures?"

"I don't know, I haven't met a Lion before," He said tracing the wood grain of his headboard with the curved back of a claw.

"Neither have I, but I'm part lion, I guess," Xander said.

He sat up leaning back against the head board, "you guess?"

"I mean, I don't know if it makes me different from other dogs, you know."

"Well you live with a wolf and you were half raised by them, that's different than most dog's right?"

"Yeah your right, I just feel out of place sometimes."

He pulled Xander back to him, hugging tight, "emotions suck we feel more than we can ever say."

"Yeah, plus it's been a crazy week... wait where Sean."

"I'm right here relax," Sean said then stepped in the room while blowing his nose.

Xander slumped back into his embrace, "Stop making me worry, it's exhausting."

"Are you feeling ok," He asked.

"Yeah, these allergy meds aren't perfect but I'll live."

"Damn right you better," Xander said.

Sean lay on his back with his head in Xander's lap, "Your like seasonal pollen now."

He rested Xander's head on his shoulder while he played with Sean's left ear.

Xander stretched sighing happily, then scratched under Sean's chin.

Sean broke the silence, "You really think I'm getting better?"

"We're cuddling and you were hard near me earlier, that's not fast progress for ten years but it's something," Xander said.

Sean took Xander's chin scratching paw and played with the claws.

"I think you two just need to have sex before you're forty," He said.

He felt Xander hold his breath heart racing against him.

"What if you and I are still dating," Sean asked.

"It's something you've tried to do for years," He said, Xander still holding his breathe, "I wouldn't stand in the way, just don't dump me over it... and let me watch."

"Xander you're poking me in the ear."

"Shut up meg," Xander said gasping out.

"I'm not Meg," Sean said leaning his head away, "but I don't want to be any of the other characters either."

"Xander's so easy to turn on," He said slipping a paw in Xander's shirt.

"Yeah it can be fun," Sean said, "but more often annoying when you're not trying too."

"Why annoying, you always seem to get me horny," Xander said grinding on Sean's head.

"Would you stop that... both of you," Sean said.

"Make me," Xander said.

"It is fun, are most guys like that," He asked half way done unbuttoning Xander's shirt.

Xander nuzzled back against him softly.

"Cats, every one of you just want play things," Sean said, "and I'm dating you shouldn't you be groping me."

"Good point, Xander it's Sean's turn," He said snagging an arm around Sean pulling him to where Xander had been.

"Hey, I didn't mean now," Sean said.

But He had already pulled Sean's polo over his head.

"Just think of this as therapy," He whispered while he tickled around Sean's good spot on his belly.

"You're not a counselor." Sean said, "And give me back my shirt."

"Maybe this is going a bit too-," Xander said, "Oliver what are you doing?"

"Trying to find this spot on Sean's stomach I found once, it seems to get him going."

"Oh that's right here," Xander said then moved his paw, Sean shuttered against him.

"Hey traitor, we are on the same team." Sean said.

He massaged that area.

"You can't give away those secrrrr..." Then Sean's head lulled across his shoulder.

He rubbed, then barely poked with his claws and retracted them, then gently rubbed again, "works perfectly, Xander where else is good?"

"His ears and neck, or just squeeze him tight," Xander said tail thumping the bed.

Sean's paws rested on the backs of his paws pushing with little force like they tried to stop him but didn't have the energy.

He licked and nibbled at the nape of Sean's neck. Then he drifted the paws across Sean's chest caressing its way down Sean's torso, and gave Xander a small nod as he unbuttoned Sean's pants. Making sure Sean's eyes remained closed he moved Sean's left paw to his own pants then wrapped his arms back around Sean's chest, resuming the teasing of that spot again.

Sean jerked in surprise when Xander licked him, then tried to move away.

"Relax, and enjoy its fine," He said, "just think of me, how much you love Xander, and how good this feels."

"But we can't-"

He poked harder with his claws and force Sean's head back with his nose, "Stop thinking and be a good boy."

He felt Sean's tail try to wag then Sean unbuttoned his pants tearing out his cock.

"Be gentle," He soothed.

Xander unbuttoned the rest of his shirt and threw it off without missing a lap.

He wanted to be out of his clothes too. That would have to wait for the moment.

"But we should-"

He licked Sean's nose to shut him up till he licked back. Xander was now pants less and dragging Sean's off.

He took Sean's polo and covered Sean's head with it, "No peeking, I have a surprise."

He rested Sean's back to the head board in a scrunched up slouch, then stripped. He grabbed lube from the bed side drawer. He stroked himself watching Xander lap at Sean, then with a lubed pad moistened Xander's hole. Xander gasped in surprise then glanced back at him.

"What was that," Sean asked.

"Don't touch that hood, arms behind your back," He said.

"I'm not going to be blind here," Sean said.

He grabbed Sean's arms and held then behind his back as he repositioned Sean so he was kneeling.

"You do as you're told," He said licking Sean's neck then had Xander crouch in front. He lubed Sean's cock, he could feel Sean's racing pulse through it.

Xander said, "But I'm not a-"

"Are you ready for the surprise," He asked.

"I think, I know what it is," Sean said through the shirt.

"We'll see."

Xander looked at him with a worried expression.

He gestured for him to calm down, and lubed Sean's hole which made him buck forward away from his paw into Xander.

They both made startled noises but He wouldn't let them pull apart.

When Xander's alarmed panting abated, He teased Sean's hole till he slid the rest of the way into Xander.

He moved one paw to hold Xander against Sean, then he got behind nibbling Sean's ear gently through the shirt.

"Wait, I've only bottomed once," Sean said.

"Shut it, Sean I have never bottomed," Xander said through gritted teeth, which made him pause for a second.

"Sorry, hadn't realized, but this is what you wanted right," He asked as he poked around Sean's hole while he lubed himself.

"Well yeah, just not when or how I expected," Xander said.

He got the tip in place, then wrapped his lubed paw around Sean's chest. Sean's paws still behind his back, He trapped them to his stomach slowly nudging forward not entering till Sean opened up."

"You both ok," He asked.

"Peachy," Xander said resting on his elbows, "Sean's about my size... so everyone I've had sex with is an Alpha damned Saint."

"It's nice Xander thank you, Oliver can I take this shirt off its getting stuffy," Sean asked.

"No, it stays on till I'm-" He slid in an inch when Sean relaxed, "good boy."

Sean clamped down like a vice when he realized what had happened.

"Woah, Sean you just got bigger and deeper, and are you, woah dude, we'll be stuck together pull back a bit," Xander said while he looked back at him pleading and trying to pull away.

"No, it's a good thing enjoy," He said. When he denied Xander, Sean relaxed and He slipped most of the way in before Sean clamped back down. He pulled off Sean's polo and threw it on the floor.

"He's getting bigger, Oliver you jerk," Xander said in a panting moan.

"How does it feel," He asked pushing Sean onto Xander's back.

"Good, really good," Sean said then licked Xander's cheek, which calmed Xander down.

With the new angle, He slid the rest of the way in no problem. Tight warmth surrounded him, it was so much better than a paw. He couldn't last much longer, this new sensation was overwhelming.

He loomed over Sean testing how deep he could go.

He felt Sean pull away then push back against him, Sean could hardly move so He leaned back to give Sean riding room. Sean forcefully pressed back into him then pounded forward into Xander. Xander jerked furiously beneath them. Panting and bucking. He was so close, No I can't, not yet...Server ring one what should be done with server ring one? We need to get the timing to zero point oh oh damn this feels good. No think of something else.

Sean couldn't push back into him anymore, Xander and Sean lay tied together, then Xander slumped onto his left shoulder.

He held on by a razors edge when he resumed thrusting. He felt the fur on Sean's balls tease his own. He ran his paws over Sean's strong back, while the continued pressure built.

Left paw holding him up on the foot board, He pulled Sean's head back so they reached each others kisses. Tip to base, tip to base, Sean was trying to press back into the thrust.

With his right paw he lifted Xander's hips and therefore Sean's into his thrusts.

He purred his enjoyment which vibrated through his whole body into Sean and Xander.

"Fuck-fuuuck, I'm cumming," Xander moaned.

"Shit Shit SHIT," Sean groaned rhythmically tightening around him sending him over the edge. He felt himself unload again and again into Sean.

He fell forward in exhaustion, crushing Xander into the puddle he was still making.

"Great now I'm a mess," Xander said.

"Oh, you love it," Sean said, "Plus white on black is fashionable."

"Shut it," Xander said, " but yeah, I did, I love you guys"

"I love you too," Sean said then rolled them all on their sides.

"This isn't going to mess things up between us is it," Xander asked spraying his arm.

"No, I don't think so."

"So, I guess Oliver's a top then?"

"It was weird, I've always been the one in charge before," Sean said.

"Maybe you weren't sealing the deal," Xander said.

"He hadn't done anything with anyone, besides the one time, other than jacking, I didn't want to pressure him."

"Well that was a lot of firsts, it was our first time," Xander asked panting in exhausted excitement, "I've never been Omega, and I'm glad it was for you. Hey Oliver, that was your first time right?"

"I'm awake, oh yeah, first time," He said barely coherent letting them talk.

As Xander continued to spurt Sean rubbed it into Xander's belly and the arm he held Sean and Xander with.

They lay there trying to breathe normally, Sean still rhythmically clenching around him.

Sean stared at the ceiling.

"What are you looking at," Xander asked.

"I thought it was a dark reflection, but it's gone now."

He squeezed Sean and Xander, licking Sean's cheek.

"So, you're sure we're good," Xander asked.

"Yeah, I think we're finally golden."

End of book one.

Please join me for Book two Calicode

Greetings from the Author

This book is the adaptation of my story, written in answer to a promise made between a friend. Richard is the inspiration of book one of the series. He was the first furry I ever met and the reason I wrote it as an anthropomorphic alternative history. The character of Oliver is based around his personality. We both went through religious turmoil, I being raise baptist and he a Jehovah's Witness. We both wished to share our stories and made a promise that we would write them to help those who have never recovered from such a situation or are still in the midst of it. Sadly time, doubt, fear, and death prevented us from keeping our promises by the date we set. I learned in the middle of 2015 that Richard had passed away from his battle with cancer. It was a long battle starting back in 2004. At the time his battle began I was reconciling my faith, rape, and Identity. He was there at a very dark part of my story, he gave me hope when I needed it. He never finished his story but I read his notes and incorporated their undertones and events in part into my narrative. Richard I'm sorry it took so long but may my story be ours.

Readers I hope this book helps you reach a catharsis. I dragged my feet to right this story not wanting to re-experience the pains of my life in the process of writing. I didn't realize this at first my arguments were, "what if family reads this and feel unloved," "What if others read this and it somehow negatively impacts those I love," and "what if this made someone consider suicide." All these arguments were logical fallacies used to avoid my own pain. Don't hide forever, after facing the pain you can exhale it, bit by bit tell it's just the shadow of a bruise.

Sincerely,

Dars Bellings

P.S.

If you have been sexually assaulted, you will talk to someone about it, we can't help it, secrets fight their way to freedom, be smart and talk to someone you trust. Ask this trusted person to listen.

There are great resources available online

http://www.rccmsc.org/

https://centers.rainn.org/

If you have thought about suicide, just don't you are bigger and better than your pain. I nearly died to suicide and I lost an uncle and close friend as well. It pays the pain forward, it doesn't stop the suffering.

http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

If you don't know about HIV, how it works and how its transmitted you put yourself in danger every time you have unprotected sex. If you enjoy unprotected sex don't live in denial please set aside a half hour and learn about HIV.

A great resource is https://www.poz.com/basics/hiv-basics

Appendix A:

Game of Thrones Style House Mottos

Cunningham, Purity is unchanging

O'Connell, Find the lost their home

Greyhouse, All are ours

Russo, Protect what is yours at all cost or change

Swenson, Cast off the hand if it offends

Schmitz, Find the Calm in the storm

Millers, Honor the Alpha and hold true to the Pack

Smith, For you I give My all

Clark, Community makes us who we are

Faruq, For the truth of honor

Welles, Your happiness isn't truth but truth leads to happiness

Yamamoto, Speak only words of freedom

Appendix B:

Scents:

Wolfs cedar

Dogs pine and rarely cedar

Cats cinnamon and rarely saffron

Sheep alfalfa, oats and sage

Foxes the smell of fur trees or maple

Otters will be ferns and irises,

Rats ivy,

Mice nutmeg,

Hyenas mahogany,

Bears moss,

Beavers water lettuce,

Rabbits clover,

Appendix C:

Faiths:

The Ever Present Tide - Buddhist

Pridian - Mormon

Pack - evangelical Christian

Community pack - Community churches Methodist and Unitarians

Primes witness - Jehovah's Witness

The Night Watcher or mother goddess - Wikan

The Flock - Catholics

Paradosi or Paradosic - Islamic

The Host - Jews

Punar - Hindi

Appendix D:

Fictional Groups

BBB - BU Bucks Breed

FETNA - Fur for the ethical treatment of non sentient animals