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"Hey, Darrick, you comin' to the party?" a skunk in a football jersey asked.

I looked up from the book I was reading as I reclined on the couch. "Nah, I think I'm just going to stay in tonight."

"Oh, come on, man. You never come out with us. This is college, Bro, you gotta have a little fun."

"Maybe next time."

The skunk rolled his eyes. "Yeah, sure."

A lion jumped down the stairs. "Ready to party!?" he loudly exclaimed to the skunk before body slamming him into the wall, making a framed picture of the fraternity on the other side tilt from the force. "Yo, Darrick, what'ya you doing reading? The party is about to start!"

"He's staying in," the skunk said, rubbing his arm.

"Pfft. Lame."

"Yeah. Let's get out of here."

They walked down the hall, out of my view.

"Why'd we even initiate that guy?"

"I dunno man. He's kind of a loser."

The door slammed behind them, and I was alone in the house. I placed my bookmark in my book and looked around the living room. It was an old house that bore the wear of its years of college students with pride. The color-faded antique wallpaper peeked out behind a puzzle of framed photographs going back to the black and white days. A large plaque with our Greek letters hung above a fireplace that hadn't been used in some years due to something being lodged permanently in the chimney by a rival house. My eyes scanned over the off-kilter photo the lion had shifted. I was standing in the back of the second row of brothers in my own matching jacket.

It was the second year of college, and I had been initiated into the fraternity earlier in the semester. It wasn't the most prestigious frat, but it was a convenient way to make some friends and have a nice place to live. Or, so I thought. I mostly got in because of my affiliation with my dad (and a more than generous "donation"). There were a few nice guys in the house, but for the most part I remained the weird guy that the brothers sort of ignored since I didn't want to party every night and drink my weight in beer to try to impress the girls from the sorority across the street. I had a nice room in the house, so I didn't mind the occasional comment made under the breath of the others. I was there to study, and that is what I did.

Classes were well underway and the semester was quickly approaching midterms. My chemistry lecture was the worst. It was dull, and the professor did little more than just read directly from the textbook, which he had assigned as homework the class before. I found it fairly easy to understand since my mom had given me a sturdy base in homeschooling, so I found myself zoning out frequently in what became a fifty minute long break from my other classes.

I half-mindedly watched the professor begin drawing a molecule on the large whiteboard that was almost a mirror copy of the ones in the notes I had taken the night before. His orange furred paw moved slowly and deliberately as he blabbered on about electrons and hydrogen bonds.

He was an older fox. Not old enough to really show, but some of the tint in his fur had begun to fade. From behind, he actually looked quite young from his thin frame. I'm not sure exactly why, other than them being the same species, but he reminded me of Jude, and for the last few weeks, I couldn't get the thought out of my head.

I hadn't thought about Jude much since the night on the bridge almost a year ago. I had tried to look him up a few times, but after an hour or so of frustrated failure, I would usually give up and try to distract myself with school work or my weight set. But, Jude had been on my mind a lot lately. I didn't really need to be at the lectures; the professor never took attendance, and the anal retentive desire to be a good student had worn off after the first month. I would be lying if I didn't look forward to being reminded of him each time.

My pen starting drawing a circle in the margins of my notes. Around and around and around the tip went. Then a line and a few triangles on top. A few more scribbles and a fox's face was looking back up at me from the paper. A small tingle crawled down my arms as I put in a smug little smile.

I could still remember what he looked like. Even after all the years, his face was clear as day in my mind. Another circle formed from my hand, and quickly another face, only now with shoulders. And then another, and another, until I ran out of room. I looked at the column of Judes that I had made. I shifted my eyes to see if anyone was looking. The last think I needed was a rumor that I had a crush on my male chem professor. I discretely flipped my notebook over to a fresh page.

My pen tapped on the blank white vastness. Another circle formed, with branches coming from it. A few more lines and my self-portrait formed. At least this was less embarrassing if someone saw. A few more swipes of my pen, and a snout appeared between my antlers. Then a pair of kind eyes, a pair of arms gently crossed over my chest, and a fluffy tail at our sides. I closed my eyes and could feel the warm summer breeze across my face. I gently nudged my antlers against the fox's cheeks.

"And with that, I'll dismiss the class."

I opened my eyes and looked around at the other students packing up.

"Please read chapter 23 and 24 by Monday. I'm not saying there will be a quiz, but I'm also not not saying it."

I shoved my notebook into my backpack and rushed out of the auditorium hoping no one had seen.

I wish I could have controlled myself better. But, my doodles and sketches only got worse. When I would manage to suppress myself enough, I ended up writing his name over and over. I moved to the back row so no one could look over my shoulder and my drawings became more detailed. Hearts and little love notes to Jude spilled into the blank spaces around his face. Every spare inch around my notes were filled with him. My obsession was my salvation. I felt warm and loved when I would look into those eyes again.

Jude took over my mind. He was in my thoughts all day, and in my dreams. I missed him, and I let myself fall for him all over again. And I felt wonderful. I wrote letters to him and kept them in the bottom of a pile of old textbooks in my desk, along with some more... intimate sketches I had made late at night.

I loved touching myself when I thought about him. Somedays I would come back from my chem lecture having to hide my erection before I got to my room. I'd lie out on my bed, pull out my rock hard cock and pretend my hand was his, stroking me again.

"Oh Jude..." I'd whisper under my breath, feeling a warm orgasm build. I'd picture his lips slipping down my cock, his eyes looking up at me lovingly. Hot drops of cum would hit my face as I panted into the empty room. I'd lay there for a long time, feeling my pulse in the dark, listening to my own breath, wishing it was his gently tickling my ear. He was mine again, if only in my mind.

That's when the dark thoughts would creep in. He probably didn't even remember me. He was probably out somewhere with some girl. I hadn't even crossed his mind. I was just a mistake in his past; something too embarrassing to even admit to in a game of "Never Have I Ever." That is, if he didn't hate me and completely wipe me from my memory.

My breath quickened and the dark walls around me would start to press in. My heart would beat out of my chest as I stuffed my cock back into my pants and would rush to the door and open it just to make sure I still could. I stood, panting in my doorway, shirtless.

"Went a little too hard with the weights," I said to the rat sitting at his desk with his door open across the hall giving me a funny look.

I bead of sweat dripped from my nose as I wondered how believable lifting weights in a dark room was. I walked back to my bed and lay down, letting the hallway light flood my room. My mind was blank again.

"Uhh... hey, Darrick," a voice said with a knock on my door frame.

I looked over and saw the skunk poking his head in.

He gave a sniff and coughed. "You should probably open a window, bro, it's a little musky in here."

"You're one to talk, Frank."

"Hey, don't be racist now."

"Sorry. What do you want?"

"Any chance I can borrow your chem lecture notes? Sweeny sent out an email sawing he's bumping up the midterm to Monday so he can go on vacation early, and mine are... missing."

"Yeah, they're in my backpack on my desk." I pointed into one of the dark corners.

"You ok, bro?" he said, creeping in, trying to adjust his eyes to the dark.

"Yeah. Just tired. "

"Ok." I heard a zip of a backpack. "Well, thanks for the notes. I'll have them back to you by tomorrow."

I gave a thumbs up from the bed, and he disappeared out the door.

I put my hands on my face and felt something cold and wet. I pulled them back and looked at the sticky strings of cum.

"Fuck..."

The next morning, I was down in the living room again, eating a piece of toast on the couch, passively paying attention to the TV a few of the other guys were watching.

A notebook flopped down next to me.

"Thanks again for letting me copy your notes, bro" Frank said before dropping himself down on the couch too.

"No problem."

"But, you really gotta get better at drawing, bro," he said with a chuckle.

"Huh?" My entire body went cold as I remembered what was in there.

"That fox almost looks like a dude!" he said, judging me. "Who is this Jude anyway? I didn't know you had a girlfriend."

"Darrick's got a girlfriend?" the rat from across the hall perked up.

"Yeah!" Frank continued. "Some hot vixen named Jude. His notebook's full of drawing of her."

"How the hell did Darrick meet a chick? He never goes out!" the lion asked.

"Yeah," Frank said, looking at me. "How did you meet her?"

"I... Uhhhh..." I struggled to find any words.

"And how come we've never met her?" the lion asked again.

"She's probably not his actually girlfriend. Just some creepy stalking thing going on."

"Is that is, Darrick?" Frank said, trying to hold back a laugh. "It's ok. A little creepy, but ok. We've all had crushes. Well, except Dan because he's a fag."

"Hey, shut up! I get more pussy than you do!" the rat yelled, tossing the remote at him.

"Hey!" the lion roared. "Watch the remote! I'm not paying for another one."

"Sorry Luke."

"Damn right you are, faggot," the lion said.

"Why does everyone call me that?"

"Because you like dick," Frank joked, mock-throwing the remote back at him.

"Not as much as your mom!" Dan said, flinching.

"Hey bro, not cool. You know she's in rehab for sex addiction."

"Then she should probably sleep with Luke and be turned off of sex for the rest of her life," the rat said before laughing loudly.

The lion shot him a dirty look, which shut him up.

"Sorry Luke."

"Anyway, Darrick," Frank said, putting a paw on my shoulder. "I hope it works out with you and her. You deserve a nice chick. You're a decent guy."

"... Thanks Frank," I said, picking up my notebook and tucking it by my side.

I stopped drawing in my notebook after that. Instead, I'd just sketch in my room at night. Without the fear of anyone overlooking, I got to be a bit more graphic. I drew the things I saw in my head. I drew Jude in every angle. I drew parts of Jude in very strong detail. My bedroom would have glowed like a rave under a blacklight. I still got to keep my warm fox, only now he was a quickly growing stack under my textbooks.

A few weeks later, after fall break, I had stayed late in the library doing some research for a big paper for my English class. When the librarian came up and told me they were closing, I packed up my things and walked to the house.

I could hear the guys talking as I reached the door. It was Friday, so it was unusual for there to be anyone home instead of at some party. When I turned the handle, the voices stopped. I closed the door behind me, and walked into the living room where everyone was sitting, all looking at me. I had interrupted something.

Meetings happened all the time, but they were usually posted in the fridge and I didn't remember seeing one recently.

"Sorry guys, I didn't know there was a meeting tonight." I tossed my backpack on the ground and walked up closer to the circle. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing important," Luke said. "We actually just finished. Not really worth repeating, so don't worry about it."

"Oh... uh, ok, I guess," I said as I watched the guys all get up and head towards their rooms.

Frank rushed past me without making eye contact.

Soon, I was standing alone in the room. I grabbed my backpack, and headed up the stairs. It was unusually quiet for a house full of young college guys on Friday night.

I closed my door behind me and tried not to think too much of it. Before long, I was lost in my memories of Jude, feeling his fur in my hand with each stroke of my pen. I tried remembering his voice, telling me that he loves me. My fur stood up. I hope he did still remember me.

The next morning, I opened my door and a white piece of paper taped to it caught my eye.

'House meeting tonight at 7pm. Wear your jacket.'

I was still fairly new to the house, but we had never announced meetings like that before. I looked down the hall. No other doors had them. But, I had slept in, so I might have just been the last one up. I walked down to the kitchen and realized the house was empty.

The sound of the toaster popping up made me jump. My mind was running through a hundred scenarios as to where everyone could be. There wasn't any blood spatter that I could see, which ruled out about half of the theories.

After some time with my weights to calm my nerves, I headed back to the library to finish my research. It was a particularly cold day. I remembered overhearing a conversation that it might snow.

The library what quiet, which wasn't unusual for a Saturday after midterms. Most people put off their studying for Sunday or Monday morning. The lack of people around did little to help my nerves. The whole thing seemed odd, and an empty library, with no company but my thoughts, let my imagination run wild.

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I switched off the alarm to remind me of the meeting. I slowly packed up my things and walked to the house again.

Small, cold flakes of snow fell all around me, softening the nose to a deafening silence. I shivered in the thin material of my fraternity jacket. The sun was just beginning to set, and the street lamps were popping on by the time I reached the front door. With a sigh, I entered.

It was quiet and dark, except for a dim light in the rarely used dining room. I dropped my backpack in the hall, and reluctantly walked in.

All thirteen of the guys were sitting at the table in their maroon jackets. One chair at the end of the long oval was still empty. I sat down with everyone looking at me; everyone but Frank, who was looking in his lap. My eyes met them all as I gazed across the line of faces, before settling back on Luke, who was standing at the opposite side of the table.

"What is going on?" My voice cracked as I tried to hide my nervousness.

Luke pushed a stack of paper closer to me.

I stood up to get a better look, and my body went cold again. On top of the stack was the drawing I made last night of Jude laying down with his legs spread and a very obvious erection sticking up.

"There is an issue we need to discuss," Luke said, his voice sounding deeper than usual.

I sat down in silence. I could feel the stares burning on my skin. I glanced at Frank, who was still gazing into his lap. I was going to ask how they found them, but I think I found my answer.

"This fraternity was founded in 1939," Luke continued. "It has become a name that represents a certain type of man. Men that can be looked up to, men who can be trusted. It is in our fraternity rules to always uphold that name and to keep our standards to the highest they can be. This," he said, hitting the pile with his paw, scattering weeks of drawings across the table, "is not part of that standard."

I studied the fox's face as a paper slid to my chest. I couldn't move. My mouth felt dry.

"This is perverted and wrong," the lion said, looking across the sea of nude foxes. "This disgusts me. Knowing that we have let THIS into our brotherhood in unacceptable."

There was a long pause. I felt my eyes well up. My hands shook under the table.

"We cannot have this in our house. We cannot have this... sickness live with us, share our bathroom, be next to us while we sleep. We cannot allow this perversion to ruin the name of this well respected fraternity."

My hand reached up and crumpled Jude's face. My tears rolled down my cheek fur.

"We called your father-"

"No..." I weakly cried, looking back up at the lion.

"He knows everything. He told me that this has been an issue with you before, and that it is the reason that your mother left your family. It is clear that this perversion is something that cannot be helped." The lion looked me coldly in the eye. "We have voted unanimously to remove you from the brotherhood. You are to be out by 7pm tomorrow, or we will call the cops to remove you, and the whole campus will know the shame you have brought into this house."

"But... but, where will I go?" I squeaked, squeezing down harder on the fox in my fist.

"That is not our concern. You are no longer our brother and what you choose to do with your twisted life is your own problem. Please remove your jacket and surrender it immediately."

My eyes darted across the table, but they were all just as cold as Luke.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I pulled my trembling arms from the jacket, which was snatched from me by Dan.

"Because you are a monster," the rat said with a hiss.

The words stung like a knife in me.

"I'm not... I'm... not..."

"The decision of the brotherhood is final," Luke continued. "7pm tomorrow. The meeting is adjourned."

The guys all stood up and left the room. Frank stayed at the table. I saw his eyes look over the pile before bolting out with the rest of them. As Luke passed by, he extended a paw and swiped a chunk of the pile onto the floor, stepping on them as he went.

I heard the last door close, and collapsed onto the ground, quickly gathering up the sketches. My tears fell, leaving wet smears as I tried to wipe them off. I clutched the drawings to my chest and curled up under the table.

"Why?" a silently cried as the paper crumpled in my arms.