M&J Pt.10 Three cups one Glass
I only have so many memories of my mother. I know she was a doctor, but I don't know what kind. I know she loved the woods, wore the color green and always had a smile. But the most memorable moment I spent with my mother was the night before she left. She tucked me in for bed, and looking back on that moment I think she knew it was the last time I'd see her. She told me "no matter what you do , no matter what you love , give it your all because if you can't it was never worth the time" ,not exactly the sort of thing most parents tell their kids before bed. I think I tried to take it to heart though. I got into college if nothing else, but honestly that wasn't me giving it my all. Going to college was always the next step in my life after high school, my dad made sure of that. I think that's something me and Josh had in common, our parents made sure we got into school. But I never knew what I wanted. I knew things that I liked , but wants aren't the same as likes. After two months of being on house arrest I was beginning to believe my father's dark speech about Josh being an addiction as I went through a withdrawal that brought on a depression.
I needed to leave that house. I needed to get away from myself, and away from my father. But I no longer thought it best to be around Josh ether , not while I was evaluating our relationship. Josh and I hadn't spoke to one another in a while anyway, as expected he got caught up with school and he was renting out our apartment . We were drifting apart and it only put more voices in my head to fill the silence when I was alone for hours each day.
I was allowed to leave the farm house for three reasons while on house arrest. Three reasons that my father kept from me until the day he found me wandering around the house half naked chewing my tail out of misery. A medical emergency, court appointed rehabilitation , or work necessary to keep the home I was staying in were the only way I could leave . I wasn't about to hurt myself and my father owned the farm house so there was no need for a job. But I tied to apply to get a job anyway, but it was denied. The only way to leave was to do rehabilitation. Surprisingly enough I had an option of weather or not to go to rehab. As long as I passed a drug test at the end of the year and my tracker stayed where it was supposed to be, it seemed the judge didn't care what I did. My father thought it would be best for me to go. I agreed to see a special therapist who took cases of addiction to drugs and substances.
It's amazing how easy it was to talk to a complete stranger about my life. It was the first appointment, we were only supposed to discuss basic stuff like how I got on house arrest and what I was addicted to. I couldn't shut up once I started, and it didn't help that he hardly said a word as he took notes. The notes made me so nervous, I couldn't see what he was writing so I felt the need to keep justifying my every statement like I was on trial. I do think I made the most of the experience. I told doctor Hobart everything that came to mind and then some.
Ever since my mother left I had to find something to make it through each day. Rage was my first addiction. It was the most simplistic way to get released from my problems. I tried so hard to stay the good kid because I knew I wasn't the first kid to grow up without one of his parents. But I was a kid. I'd like to say it felt good to be angry, I'd like to say it made me happy, but it only distracted my mind for as long as I could spin out of control. Every rant , every fight, each threat and fist ready to be thrown was just a temporary wall. But then I found weed. It was mellow, it made me mellow. I tried to abandon rage with weed but when my supply got low I always fell back into old ways. Weed let me stay in a haze too strong to think about trouble or anything else, but nothing felt better than pain. And then Josh came along. He was love , a drug too good to be true. He was everything I never knew I wanted until it was standing in front of me. But when he wasn't around I fell back to weed, and when weed was low I fell back to rage. It was all so clear but I wish I hadn't seen it. If only my mother had stayed, maybe I wouldn't have been hooked. Maybe I would have had some idea of a life I wanted. That's what I told him. I was unfiltered and probably sounded crazy. But when I finally couldn't lacked words to speak he put down his notes and told me it was a good start.
I never told Josh I started seeing a therapist. Even after weeks passed, I don't know maybe I didn't think I should or maybe I couldn't bring myself to tell him. We spoke so little to one another anymore maybe I just forgot to tell him.
I saw Doctor Hobart every Wednesday morning. Our talks moved from rants to actual discussions. We never really talked about weed, drugs, or my over dosing even when they were the subject of discussion. My mother came up a lot , so did my dad and Josh , but he seemed to want me to talk more about myself. Hobart said my problem wasn't with addiction, but with codependency. I didn't know what he meant for sure but as far as I could tell he thought I had a problem knowing myself without being associated with someone or something else.
I never really felt like we were making progress , but I didn't know what progress would look like. I do know I wasn't making progress because I was falling back into my old habits, and with weed being unavailable I fell back to rage. Addiction or codependency whatever my problem was I was still in the dark. I didn't know what I wanted.
It was another Wednesday morning , I'd just finished an appointment with Hobart. I had to wait for my father to pick me up and drive me back home. While in the waiting room I noticed a familiar face. It was Kaz. He sold Josh weed that almost got me killed so I wasn't about to go make conversation but when he saw me he came and sat next to me.
Mason- what are you doing here
Kaz- Mason , I can't believe your here , I've been thinking about you
Mason - I haven't thought about you
Kaz- I never meant for you to get hurt
Mason- that doesn't matter now
Kaz- it was a special batch , made for your boyfriend, If I knew you we're going to smoke it I never would have
Lucky for me I saw my dad pull up out front of the building.
Mason- You almost killed me Kaz , I don't care what the reason is , just leave me alone
I got up and made my way outside to the car.
That wasn't my last time seeing Kaz. For weeks I'd see him after every appointment with Hobart. I could believe he needed therapy but for Kaz to be there every time I was could not be a coincidence. I felt I was being stalked. And he made it worse the day he showed up to my father's house.
The door bell rang and it was mid day, a Tuesday. I was barely dressed when I opened the door and he was just standing there.
Mason- What are you doing here
Kaz- I had to see you , I didn't want you to be angry anymore
Mason- Showing up here isn't helping
Kaz- You know I see Josh everyday , before he goes to school, when he comes home , when I pass him on the stairs
Mason- Your point
Kaz- I know what I did was wrong , it was a low point for me , but you remind me so much of ... I couldn't help myself
As alone as days might have felt , I was not in the mood for the company of Kaz.
Mason- OK this has not been fun and I think it's lasted long enough so....
I started to shut the door.
Kaz- I knew what would happen to whoever used the weed I gave your boyfriend
Mason- You what
Kaz- I wanted it to happen, it was a bad idea that I couldn't stop myself from going through with
Mason- I thought it was an accident but your saying you tried to kill Josh
Kaz- No , never, I would never
Mason- But you did
Kaz- I wanted you
Was he insane?
Mason- So what, you thought if you killed Josh I would just come running to you , I don't even know you
I punched him in the face and he took it.
Mason- How crazy are you to think that drugging my boyfriend would make me want you , why would I want you
I punched him again. His face was already bleeding, the second punch sent him tumbling off the porch on to his back. But he took it.
Kaz- I know that I was wrong
I got over him and sat on his chest and started choking him. He held my hands keeping me from getting a better grip so I went back to punching his face.
Mason- You ruined my life
It was so easy. Finally having someone to blame , finally having a face to put my problems to , finally having a face to punch in to the ground. But he didn't make me smoke his drugs. He didn't make me the lost person that I was and as I continued to hit him I began to see that truth. Was it my withdrawal from Josh that made me desperate, or my codependency that made me see another person lost without his other half and think that we were so much the same. Or maybe it was something else all entirely. Ether way in the end I took action. I kissed him. He was still bleeding but he seemed happy to forget the blood if it meant I forgave him. But I didn't forgive him. The kiss lasted for so long that I had to end it. I stood up and stepped away.
Mason- You need to leave
Kaz- But I
Mason- You need to leave or I'll call the cops
He got up and left and I couldn't bring myself to move. What had I done ?