FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Before returning to the cafeteria, I had to take a few deep breaths and slap myself silly to calm myself down from the intense conversation Daren and I had just had. Physical pain was a great way to bring my neurotic mind back down to planet Earth, so with one final stinging double slap to both ends of my muzzle (making sure to dig my claws in there a little bit), I was finally ready to go back to my friends and continue hiding my social insecurities behind a wall of hetero-normative jesting. What a charmed life I lived.

By the time Daren and I came back to our table, I was more or less ready to put on my usual show. "Hey guys, sorry we just had a brief chat on etiquette or whatever. So what'd we miss?" I said after I plopped down on my seat. Daren sat down quietly besides me, a sheepish look overriding the aggravated 'fuck this bullshit' expression he had while talking to me.

Luckily, nobody pressed us on the specifics of our conversation, and the remaining few minutes of lunch passed more or less harmlessly. Daren was still in the limelight, but everyone started breaking off into their own conversations too.

I guess the 'law of Conservation of insanity' was at play because the conversation topics after this point were relatively normal: what Daren's class schedule was, what he thought of the teachers, if he was in any clubs (he wasn't) etc. Daren answered each question in a few words, or just shook or nodded his head when he could. Jayce asked Daren if he'd be interested in joining his lab group for the next AP chem project, to which Daren agreed with an indecisive 'sure...'

The only worrisome moment was when Toru timidly asked if Daren had ever been bullied for being 'you know...' Daren responded noncommittally, discomfort evident in his averted eyes, "I don't really want to talk about it." I found that pretty ominous, though I didn't let any worry how on my face. Toru and Chris did seem a bit worried, though. Scott jumped in with a different question about weight lifting, which alleviated some of the awkwardness in the air as I decided to mentally file Daren's comment away.

The bell finally rang, and the relief on Daren's face was palpable, "I'm gonna be headin' off... Uh, later y'all..." he said after standing up, more ready to GTFO than me when a girl starts getting all flirty.

Everyone said their kind goodbyes, but Scott was by far the most animated, "Thanks for coming, dude! It was awesome to finally chat some with you. You should come again tomorrow!"

Daren momentarily stopped his escape, "Really?" he asked uncertainly.

Scott got up and playfully nudged Daren on the shoulder, "Yeah, a friend of Rob's is a friend of mine! Plus, I'd love to hear about your workout routine! Catch you later, man!"

"Uh, thanks..." Daren muttered, heading off at a strikingly brisk pace.

"Is he okay?" Chris asked as he and I watched the Rottweiler take off, a mote of worry in the Wolf's eyes.

It was hard to say... I thought I had a pretty good understanding of the Rottie, but I guess there was still an abundance of things about him I didn't know. Who knew he was such an introvert? "I think so, Imma just go check on him. See you at practice guys," Everyone said their casual farewells as I chased the retreating Rottweiler. I had to nimbly side-wind my way around a group of unnervingly attractive felines and then a bunch of mopey emo kids in order to catch up. "Hey Daren, wait up!" I called out.

Daren looked back at me over his shoulders, only to keep looking forward, even when I started walking abreast to him. "Need something?" he responded curtly, walking at a slower pace. I guess now that he was away from the pressure of social interaction, Daren's muzzle had naturally reverted to 'unreadable stoic', albeit tinged with exhaustion.

I made sure to keep my voice at maybe a five out of ten so the extras around me didn't pick up on what I was saying. "Um, thanks for coming and covering for me and stuff. Did you have an alright time?"

He gave an unanimated shrug. "Oh... Sorry if I made it seem like I was eager to leave. I'm just... at my social limit." He exhaled a deep sigh. "It was fine, I guess. Scott got all up in my space, but they was pretty nice. Even if they just pretending to like me, I guess it made it pretty easy to go along with."

I was struck by the negativity of the comment. I did feel bad for putting him through a lot of stress, but I also felt defensive that he was doubting my friends like that. "Pretending to like you? Daren, they did like you! Did you see how impressed Jayce was at your math skills? Or how interested Scott was in talking to you? Or... even if it's for totally creepy reasons, Allie's also definitely interested in you! Why do you just assume they don't like you?"

He let out an irritated huff. "They yo friends, not mine. So how do I know they ain't pretending to like me just like you always pretending to be some straight jock who ain't in to nerdy anime shit."

Damn Daren, just hit me below the belt why don't ya? "That's just me! They're a lot more straightforward about... feelings and liking people and stuff."

"Ain't no way they can like me after fifteen minutes. Especially since I acted like a damn pansy..."

Alright, time to bring out the big guns. "I mean..." taking in a breath of air, I moved in closer to Daren's ears, to whisper a hard to admit truth. "I liked you after talking to you for less."

I felt myself frown in embarrassment. I wasn't proud of how quickly I latched on to the Rottie, but... there it was. Daren looked at my vulnerable expression with level eyes. It took a moment for my comment to sink in, but once it did Daren let out an amused snort, some of the exhaustion peeling off from his face. "You're right. I forgot just how fast yo dumb ass got the hots for me."

"Heheh..." I started rubbing my left arm sheepishly. I was glad I got Daren to lighten up, but I was still struck by a pang of shame at the jeering nature of his comment.

Sorry if I'm not as experienced as you are...

After a brief moment, Daren let out a resigned huff. "But, I guess if you say so... maybe they could like me a bit..." His eyes suddenly narrowed and zoomed in on me. "Just don't think this means I forgot about yo end of the bargain, Panther."

Oh shit that's right. "Ah, yeah..." I started looking at my feet as I walked, swallowing my spit. I almost bumped into a Fur or two thanks to my spatial negligence. It struck me that my days of being a tight butt-virgin were coming to an end. I just hoped that that thick cock of his doesn't give me a prolapsed anus...

"What's with that look? I ain't gon' hurt you too bad or anything. Look, if it's too much we can figure some other way for you to pay me back, I guess."

Daren's words took off some of the pressure. I had agreed to it of my own volition, but it was reassuring to hear that he would let me off the hook if I wasn't really ready. I looked up at him timidly, and took in some air in contemplation. "I'm okay with it..." I said. I honestly was okay with it, just scared... and maybe a little bit eager to redeem myself as not being terrible at the sex-making.

"Solid." He said with a nod. "Still, I recommend you practice ahead of time."

I felt the fur on my back and tail bristle. "P-Practice?" Oh shit I hadn't even considered that.

"M-hm. You know what that means, right?" There was just a hint of judgmental superiority in Daren's tone, like he was about to have to explain something incredibly basic to a stupid Kitten. Or maybe it was just my sexual insecurities.

It means this is one of the few scenarios where I can use the phrase 'Prepare your anus!' literally. Well... prepare 'my' anus.

"Y-Yeah for sure! Don't worry, I'll be totally ready by this weekend!" I bullshitted. I honestly had no clue where to even start.

"A'ight then, I gotta get to class, but just holla if you need any advice..." Daren said. We were by the school's main entrance where the two main hallways intersected, right by my locker. This was our cue to part ways.

"Kay..." I said in a slightly shaky voice as Daren took his leave. Lost in thought, I didn't even realize that I had just taken my trapper and world history book from my locker. I was slogging myself to class like a total panicked worrywart. Normally I put a lot of stock into looking confident and keeping check on the position of the undesirables in the hallway and keep as much space between them as possible, but I was too preoccupied with my thoughts of buttering up my butt for this weekend...

It's not like my booty-hole hasn't seen any love, but it's never had a... proper guest. God, I don't even want to think about the dumb things I've stuck up there... But now that I've said that, my Mind is of course going to start thinking about it. Might as well just make a fucking list and get it over with:

Embarrassing things I've stuck up my butt

_ _

A cucumber

An extra thick carrot

Chopsticks

A Sharpie marker

A shampoo bottle

A hammer handle

A frozen breakfast corndog

An ice cream scooper

A vibrating electric toothbrush (never again)

A plastic Barbie doll (legs first)

_ _

Even if good old Barbie was quite good at kicking my G-spot, I couldn't just keep on living like this! I was 17 for crying out loud! That was like... almost thirty in gay years! I needed a proper tool to stretch my 'ring down under'!

What was I going to do? Get a knotted dildo? That would be ideal, but I was under 18, so I couldn't just buy one at a store like Spencer's. I could maybe buy one on the Internet, but they might still check my age, and not only would express shipping be expensive, but timing it so my family didn't realize would be a heckin' pain. I guess I could clip my claws and use my fingers... but I can really only reach so deep in with 'pointy' and 'Flippy-people-Offy'. Then there's the prospect of cleaning off my finger fur... Plus again I didn't really want to cut my claws; what if I had to scratch a bitch?

Or I could see if someone had one I could borrow. Who that I knew even have something like that? I could suck it up and ask Daren, but I wanted to prove to him that I did have my shitmakertogether!

So how was I going to get one? What about... oh no, no, nonononono, I mean she almost certainly had one and would lend it to me... she'd maybe even have other thing I didn't even know about and advice, but... was I really that desperate?

Does a Bear shit in the woods? No, they don't, because Bears use toilets like all Furs, you fucking racist piece of shit. ...But you should totally ask her though.

No arguing with that logic. Yup, this was totally going to be a good life decision.

---

"Hey, Mom..." It was around six P.M. after school. I usually crash around now before my din-din second wind, but I too terrified of my own poor life choices to be jonesing for a coffee.

Panther Mama was reclining on the large living room feather sofa, holding her phone in one way and delicately tapping the screen with one finger, just like all Moms do. All of them. "Oh, Rob, perfect timing, your Dad and I aren't in the mood to cook, so we're just gonna order a pizza, and I'm totally using the Domino's App this time! You still want Meatlovers for your quarter? Ann wanted to try something different so I figured I'd ask you too."

There was an obvious gay-joke to be made about the 'Meatlovers' part, buuuuuuuut, "What, Ann's too good for Meatlover's now? Did she ask for bat wings and eye of newt instead?"

Mom shrugged her neck. "Actually, fish and veggies for toppings. After your father's burgers last weekend, Ann said she's going 'Lacto-Ovo-Pescetarian."

"...Is that code for 'stuck up bitch'?"

Mom glared at me with an offended open mouth. "Robert! Why are you so mean to your sister?"

I dunno Mom, why do you allow that Marilyn Manson reject to live under our roof and eat our food?

"I'm not mean!" I protested, even though my subconscious was in fact very very mean. But it was mean to me too, so I didn't feel too guilty about it. "We just have this way of talking smack about each other," I stated defensively. After all, the joke just came to me so easily, it would be a waste not to use it! And it wasn't like Ann was listening in or anything.

Mom shook her head and rolled her eyes in frustration. She totally didn't get it, "I just hope you don't talk about your sister that way to your friends... Anyway, you had something to ask, sweetie?"

Oh boy, do I!

I curled my tail up around my left leg and sucked in a big gulp of air, "Can... I ask you about something really embarrassing?" It felt like my whiskers were about to catch on fire, I was so embarrassed.

"Of course, you can talk to me about anything. Is it about school?"

"Not school..."

Ah, the dreaded 'child-parent' sex talk. And I was the one initiating it like a fucking chump. Forcing this conversation was going to be harder than forcing that ice cream scooper past my sphincter. "Please don't tell Dad or Ann I asked you this, but, uh... do you have anything I can use to... _practice_for anal sex with? Like with a d-dildo or something?"

Mom gasped in pleasant surprise, her eyes dazzling at me like exploding fireworks. "What have we here? You're finally going to take it up the pooper shooter, huh!"

"Please don't call it that..." I said with a painful cringe.

Oh, the beast that I had unleashed... "About time too! You know I had already completely worn out my chocolate-tunnel by the time I was your age. There was this one time where I tried it with a Cheetah who had a genetic mutation where he had a barbed penis just like a Feral, and then this other time I took a foot long-"

"Mom, please, I don't need details!" I whined, curling up my entire body into itself at the fucking evil verbal diarrhea. Do not want, do not want.

"I'm just kidding!" My mom laughed playfully with a swish of her wrist. "So, you want to borrow one of my dildos, then? I don't have any with knots though, if you want to practice for knotting. Your father's too delicate down south to take a knot."

"Yeah if I could borrow one that would be... Wait, what?!"

Mom burst into laughter. Something was seriously wrong with this woman. "I was just kidding about that last part, sweetie. I've only ever used them on me. I suppose it's no fur off my back to lend one to you, but when are you and Daren planning on going for some dookie loving?"

I was unable to contain a groan at Mom's lovely choice of words. "Probably this weekend... Daren said I should practice, so I assumed that meant use a dildo or something..."

"Hmm." Mom started tapping her index finder against her chin. She was definitely plotting something nefarious. "Tell you what, honey, instead of lending you mine, I'll go to a sex shop after work tomorrow and buy you all the tools you might need for safe, comfortable fudge-packing. I'll even give you a quick run-through on how to use them properly. We'll make sure you're nice and stretchy for your big day! You can consider it an early Christmas present!"

Wow okay yeah sure yup u-huh that sounded pretty helpful but a little strange but sure yup why am I even doing this but why not let's just go with that okay that's good stuff conversation over. "Thanks, that would be great... I'm just going to go to my room and... vegetate," I said, waddling toward the foyer staircase like a traumatized Penguin.

"Okay sweetie, just be ready to come down to eat soon. ...Oh, our pizza is already in the oven, and 'Luke' will deliver it in twenty minutes or less! Wow, I love technology!"

After clunking on up the stairs, I collapsed onto my bed like a shit faced sorority girl. I was mush. My life was mush. The room was mush. The universe was mush.

...I just got my mom to buy sex toys for me. What had my life become?

---

After fourth period the next day, Scott and I were leisurely heading from the auxiliary gym to the cafeteria, the hallway traffic mostly cleared up. We let Marty and Toru go on ahead, because Scott was really invested in talking to me about his... opinions that justify certain actions of his.

"...Which is why I don't think grinding and kissing should count as cheating! I mean literally like half of NFL players cheat on their SOs, not to mention all the domestic violence shit. And she literally gets all up in my ass because a fake drunk lapdance and obvious joke-making out? I was totally letting Stephanie dom me like a bitch, it was funny! I mean sure, Katie's in to that shit, but most girls clearly aren't! I swear she's only mad because bitches be competitive with each other. Shit man, I made out with Toru and she didn't even care!"

Deep down I knew Scott just wanted to 'be a slut: do whatever you want!', but I guess he was having trouble coming to terms with the hoebag deep down, so I mostly just sounding boarded for him by halfheartedly agreed with his statements. "Yeah, I guess you gotta point there... But at the same time it was probably more obvious that what you did with Toru was a joke because it's not like you'd ever seriously want to make out with a guy."

Scott gave me a sidelong glance before redirecting his gaze back in front of him. I heard him say something the vaguely sounded like 'I mean... never say never.'

"What?" I asked.

"What?" he responded almost immediately.

I blinked a few times, confused. "Sorry it just sounded like you said... oh hey is that Daren?"

We had just reached the cafeteria and lo and behold, in front of the glass doorway was a muscular Rottweiler with a brown paper lunch bag. And he was... dressed differently.

Daren normally wore sweat pants and a hoodie, but today he was wearing a white T-shirt with an open red flannel shirt and a pair of Khakis. He really had that Michigan boy look going on. It was strangely hot, despite it being a completely normal change in clothes. What was it about seeing your crush in different clothes that made you feel all tingly inside?

Daren's eyes popped open in alert when he noticed the two of us walking up to him. "Hey..." I greeted Daren in a surprised tone.

"Hey..." he replied uneasily.

And then Scott joined in, easily owning the flow of the conversation (which couldn't have been very hard), "Hey bro, glad to see ya again, are you joining us for lunch?" the Polar Bear asked, full of bright enthusiasm.

Daren nodded his head slow and level. "If it's chill. I ain't wanna intrude or nothing..."

"Of course man!" Scott beamed with an affection fist-bump to Daren's arm. "You're always welcome. So what did you bring to eat?"

Though his expression was still wary and soft, a small half smile formed on Daren's muzzle. "Scrambled eggs and barbeque sauce," he said, a bit of relief evident in his voice.

Scott nodded energetically, his nose twitching, "Eggs, huh? Is that your secret weapon for getting so ripped?"

"I guess... Eggs are definitely a good source of protein on a budget... Sometimes I get some cheap ass flavorless protein powder though..."

I didn't follow all of the conversation as we made our way to the lunch table; I was just so surprised that Daren chose to eat with us again. It wasn't like I asked him to come again or anything. I probably had a dumb blank stare as I walked with Daren and Scott into the raucous of the cafeteria, but... I was glad. It felt good to know my idea to introduce Daren to my friends wasn't a complete bust... and it felt good to see him during school hours.

Everyone else must have been still coming or already in line to buy lunch, because the three of us were the only ones at our table upon arrival. Scott asked me if I was going to go wait in the lunch line, but I told him that I'd catch up with him later. I didn't want to leave Daren by himself after he braved coming back. Plus, I had something I wanted to ask him.

"I'm glad you decided to come again, but why the change in heart?" I asked Daren once Scott was out of earshot.

Daren's expression was so soft today... I wasn't really sure why. "I figured it was like you said... It'd be nice to have a place to eat every day," he spoke like he was professing a deep personal confession.

I chuckled a bit, my desire for levity taking over. I spoke a bit louder so my voice would carry through the din of the lunchroom, somewhat aware that I was probably ruining the emotional atmosphere. "Yeah, I can't imagine going without lunch. Why I never bothered getting into that 'intermittent fasting' fad thing, hah."

"Uh, yeah..." Daren agreed, hesitation evident in his voice. He muttered something to himself. He rapped his claws against the table a few times. He scoped the lunchroom contemplatively. He cracked his knuckles one by one, absentmindedly. I wasn't really sure why he was acting so skittish until he looked back at me with hazel eyes glistening brilliantly, "But seriously. I've been thinking about things and, well, it can be hard..." There was a brief flash of pain in his eyes. "...I got my hang-ups and insecurities like anyone else, but... I realized that I do want to try. I do want to make friends." Daren slid his paw under the lunch table, resting it upon my left thigh. His paw pads channeled warmth through my jeans as he gave me a little squeeze. I felt my heart skip a beat. My barricade of levity was torn down in an instant.

There was something peaceful in Daren's voice, I wasn't quite sure what it was. "So, thanks... for giving me that push." His cheek bones lifted. It wasn't his big sexy grin, just a tiny smile. But he looked genuinely happy, a new sight for me. My heart felt like it was going to melt away. God he was handsome when he smiled...

'No problem..." Was all I could say with wispy breath. I got a bit too lost in his hazel eyes to pull off a convincing straight boy.

We held for a brief moment, but then Daren took his paw off my leg and looked off in the distance, disengaging from the obvious homoerotic tension. "You can go ahead and buy yo lunch now."

"R-Right! Lunch is a super important meal! Better go get some! No intermittent fasting for this guy, haha," I rambled with forced comedic energy, hoping that none of the other jocks had just seen our tender moment. It hit me that I had just been staring into Daren's eyes like a total fruit, even though I was supposed to be 100% pure heterosexual American beef at school.

'If anyone asks, I'll just say I was doing a staring contest with Daren' I thought to myself as I rushed over to the painfully long lunch line for my yummy preservative-ridden and possibly radioactive school lunch.

You know, it's easy to deflect the question of your sexuality if you know how to joke; if you never give a straight answer, you never really have to answer. That's what I've been doing if the topic comes up with my friends, and it's worked to a tee. But now that Daren was eating lunch with us now, now that my friends were going to see me sit and chat with my weakness so close to me, I began to doubt how long I'd be able to keep up the charade.

...After all, I could only keep my walls up for so long with him around.