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'Alright,' Colton said, looking at the approach to the pool as if twenty metres had become a hundred miles. 'Calm. I can do this.' He was already shaky. 'Don't hold my hand,' he said as I tried to take it. 'You know where you really wanna put it. Do it. At least one of us can enjoy this.'

I put my left arm around his back and my hand on the front of his chest. His heart had already picked up, his breathing shallower than usual. I felt a jolt of excitement all through me. 'It's not the scaring you, remember?' I said. 'If this does it for me, it's just my odd fascination. And don't be afraid to say oranges.'

'We're not safety-wording this,' Colton said. 'I need to do this. Come on. Let's walk. How many beats per minute am I up to?'

'I don't have my watch on,' I said, realising I'd left it in my room that morning. 'Let's get you to the edge of the pool, see what it does.'

What it did make him whimper and tremble like I'd never thought Colton could. 'Todd,' he said, gasping his air in rapid small breaths, 'Seriously, I think I'm having a heart attack.'

I felt like I'd be stupid not to believe him, the speed his heart was pounding at now, but at least I could still feel the separate beats at a constant rhythm. It was driving me wild and making me nervous all at once. 'You're not having a heart attack,' I said, rubbing his chest. 'Trust me. Your heart's perfect. I've heard it, remember? You're just hyperventilating. Try holding your breath and then taking a deep one.' He tried it, several times, all with his eyes shut. and on the last one said 'Okay, okay, I'm calm. I am calm, motherfucker. Alright. Let's...' he opened his eyes and found himself on the pool edge. 'Oh no...NO! Forget it! I'm gonna be sick!'

'Close your eyes again and sit down,' I said, helping him to do it, not sure where I could go from here.

'I'm gonna die!' Colton squirmed about as I tightened my one armed hug. 'I can't do this!'

'Steady,' I said. 'Just keep breathing steady. Okay? When was the last time you got this close to the edge?'

'Never.'

'Then we've already made progress.' This was probably going to end in tears, but I couldn't think of anything else. 'And you're driving me wild right now. I am so hot for you right now that when we talk about this later I'm gonna have one serious_present for you. Put your hand in my pants. Take a feel of _that.'

Colton opened his eyes as soon as he did it and growled. 'I have never been this scared in my entire life and you've gone that hard for it? You got a dark side, Aldrington.' He leaned in and panted in my ear for a moment to get his breath back. 'Want me to make you come?'

'Nice try. You're not getting out of this. You wanna make me come, you only get to do it when you've dipped your feet in that water. And by the way, if you're scared of water how did you ever shower?'

'Fuck you, trash panda, I shower. It's only deep water.'

'Fuck you too, kitsune. Get your feet in there then.'

Colton took his hand out, shut his eyes and took a deep breath with his head back. 'I told you this would work, you stripey little butt-fucker.' He shifted his own butt closer to the pool until his feet were hanging over. His heartrate spiked again. My pants were now wet. Colton's chest heaved with his fast breathing, but now it sounded like he was trying to laugh behind it. He pulled himself forward another few inches, and his feet touched the surface. He shivered at the cold and whimpered every time he exhaled.

'You're doing it,' I said. 'There. Water. Not so bad, huh? Now let's just sit and get those vitals of yours steady before I come in your pool with your mum watching through the window.'

'Oh shit, she's not is sh-'

Before I had time to realise what I'd done, Colton went off the edge. Turning around to look at the kitchen window (where his mum was indeed not really watching us), he lost his balance on the edge and splashed into the water, going under.

I threw myself in after him, trying to grab him and pull him to the surface. I barely registered any of it, now panicking like Colton had been, and knowing it was taking me too long to get him up. When I did, he was grabbing the side of the pool and trying to pull himself out, coughing and shrieking all at once.

'Stay still!' I yelled. 'Put your feet down on the bottom!' He didn't hear me, his panic impenetrable. All I could do was repeat it again and again, with him trying to pull himself back out but failing because his legs wouldn't stop kicking.

Why I did what I did next I'll never know. I grabbed him in a bearhug and pulled him away from the side, then moved one hand up under his chin to support his head, keeping it above water and his ears with it!

'Colton,' I said. 'It's alright. I've got you. Stop moving. Stop! Just let everything stop.'

When he found he was still breathing, his body hugged against me and his limbs going weightless as he slowly managed to relax, everything seemed very silent and still, apart from the sound of water and his breath.

'You motherfucker....you pushed me in!'

'No I didn't. You fell. And I came in after you. And you're in the water.'

'Get me out!' Colton said, now whispering, afraid to move a muscle in case his head went under. 'Get me OUT! Oranges!'

Shit, now what? Violate our safe word for his own good? I couldn't do it. And I couldn't get him out either. Not unless he listened. 'Okay,' I said. 'Oranges. You got it. But I can't get you out if you panic. If you want to get out you've got to do what I tell you and that'll get you out. Promise. I need you to let me stand you up so your feet touch the bottom of the pool, and we're gonna just walk out.'

Now I was scared, and my hard-on excitement was long forgotten. I couldn't get this wrong. If I did, it was going to be the end of us. Did he really think I'd pushed him? I slowly stood him up and his feet touched the bottom. As he rose out of the water to chest height, he pulled away from me and turned around, and I didn't know if he was going to hit me or try to drown me even though he'd only end up drowning himself. Then he did neither. He just stood there, still and hypnotised.

'I never pushed you, Colton. I never meant for that to happen. I just fucked up with the whole your-mum thing.'

'His mum's impressed.' Chantelle was watching now. She'd gotten behind us on the other side of the pool, and we simply hadn't noticed. 'There,' she said, looking at Colton, who looked as though he could simply collapse. 'You don't even know what you were afraid of now, do you? Breakfast's ready. If you want some more time in the pool I'll put it under the heat lamp and keep it hot.'

Even if my ears weren't wet, they'd have been flat against my head. 'How much of that did you see? I was only joking when I said I thought you were watching.'

'I wasn't trying to watch,' she said. 'But I couldn't exactly miss it. But it's fine. You don't throw pool parties for your business partners without seeing plenty more than you two just put on display. Oh and by the way, getting off on your partner's heartbeat is a much more common fetish than I think you realise. After all, the first thing you ever become subconsciously aware of is your mother's when she's carrying you. It's too bad. I doubt Colton has anything that cute to give you in return.'

Colton, still in the water, shrieked with laughter and couldn't stop. 'I told you you got it from your mum!' he said, looking at me like I'd been the one who'd been scared all morning. 'Didn't I tell you?'

'I did not get a fetish from my mum!' I said. 'That is such a gross thing to say! And at least I'm not scared of a little bit of water.'

'What,this water?' Colton said, splashing me. It brought him back down though. He looked around him as though the panic might return, then stayed steady, still grinning from ear to ear.

'You still can't swim though,' I said. 'Catch me if you can!' I swam out to the middle of the pool, just out of my depth and his.

'Well woo-hoo,' Colton said. 'Look at Mr fucking Otter. Hey Mum!' he yelled. 'If I made Todd come in the pool and Courtney went swimming afterwards, you think she could end up with his cubs?'

Oh_brother._ How could one person be so gifted at making the whole world around him cringe on purpose?

'Colton,' his mother said said, 'If that's how you think a girl gets pregnant then I hope you never try making me a grandma.' She went back inside.

I swam back to Colton. 'You have no idea how dead you are! I oughta shove your head under right now and see if you can get out of that!'

'Don't,' Colton said. 'Please? I think we've made enough progress. And by the way, when I was nearly drowning, you notice how my own mum just left my life in your hands and didn't do anything else? Do not make the mistake of thinking she's cool just because she's liberal.'

'I bet you're still scared of water,' I said, putting a hand over his heart. His vitals were completely down to normal, or maybe just a little bit above. He took a handful of water, dropped it over his head and slicked his fur and ears back.

'Hey Aldrington, something maybe you should know.'

'What?'

'You told me you loved me,' he said. 'Our very first night together. I felt kinda bad about it, because honestly, I was just having fun. I wasn't in love with you. Even if I might have said I was. Us together? I didn't really know. I just liked being with you. Because you make me feel different. But now? I wouldn't have cared if you'd pushed me off the edge. I needed it.' He took a deep breath. 'I think I love you back.'

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. The kiss I gave him instead stirred something deeper than a feeling of excitement brought on by feeling Colton's heartbeat, or doing anything else to him, or having him do it to me. When we separated, his put a hand on my head and tried to straighten my wet ears back up. 'I don't just love your dumb floppy ears, Todd. I love you,' he said. 'And I will follow you to New York. Or anywhere else.' He gave me a hug, and I felt like I never wanted to let him go, even though we were both getting cold with the water despite the July heat.

'I'm hungry,' I said. 'Can we go eat?'

* * *

It was another few hours until Rocco knocked on the door with my stuff and Chantelle let him in.

'I'm_really_ sorry about that asshole,' he said. 'You know this changes nothing with the rest of the family, right?'

'What did Mum do?'

'Bro, I've never seen it before,' he said, sitting down. 'I went right to the salon and told her, before she could hear it from anybody else. I thought she'd shut up shop and come home but she didn't. She told _me_to make sure you were okay and she'd talk to Dad when she got home. You were in the pool when I came round earlier, I knew where you'd be. Brought you some stuff.' He nodded at the bag, then handed me my phone.

I turned it straight off. 'So? What did she do?'

'She was scarily calm. She made everybody leave the house for an hour so she could talk to him. When we all came back, the two of them weren't talking. She wouldn't make dinner. She told him to do it himself. For all of us. Man, I swear the guy's never eaten anywhere else but a truckstop; whatever the fuck it was he put in front of us we all barely touched it. And it wasn't just the food. We've never had a dinner that quiet. It was horrible. Then he tried talking to us and said "Is this about me and Todd?" And...okay, this isn't gonna be what you wanna hear, but Felix kind of took his side.'

'What?'

'He doesn't get it, bro. I'll talk to him. Hopefully before Dad can. I think he just finds it a little bit weird. And you know he gets real spooked when there's been a fight in the house and things aren't back to normal yet. It's just the Aspergers. It's not you.'

I wished I could believe that. 'What about the others?'

'Nobody wanted to speak up after how Dad got this morning, but they're all with you, bro. He knew it just from the silence. It was not good. He didn't touch his dinner much either. He went into work even though he didn't have a shift tonight. He said he'd take a delivery that got him out of town for a few days and when he got back...maybe you don't want to hear this right now.'

'Just tell me. It can't exactly get worse.'

'He said everything had better be back to normal. And you'd better not be there.'

'Then he's got nothing to worry about. I won't be. Tell him I don't need his money to get me through college either. Tell him that's it, he's got what he wanted.' I wasn't even close to tears this time. Half a day in Colton's house and I was feeling like this was the start of something a lot better than everything I'd left behind. 'Mum didn't...Rocco, if she leaves him over this I know you won't think it's my fault, but what about everyone else?'

'It's not gonna happen, bro. She'll get through to him.'

'But...what if he knows things aren't going to be cool when he comes back? Because they won't be. What if he just doesn't come back? If he stopped paying support for us too what could anybody do? You know he'd just get away with it. He's probably dreamed of an excuse to get out of our whole family for years. We drive him nuts. I'm amazed he doesn't have an ulcer or something from repressing it.'

'Don't worry about all this,' Rocco said. 'It's not gonna happen. Whatever else Dad is he can't leave a family with eight kids. Nine if you count Alfie. Who by the way's fuckin' furious about Dad kicking you out. Dad never even kicked him out, and you're meant to be the good-boy. Remember that night Alfie was drunk and Mum got between him and Dad? Dad does not want to deal with Alfie sober. I think that's why he skipped town. And he doesn't want Alfie not loving him either. Or any of us.'

'Except maybe me.'

'Give him time. There's a lot going round in his head right now. Most of it's the asshole stuff, but the good stuff might win. It's not like he's never changed before.'

Although I wanted to think nothing good of my father right then, that made me curious. 'What do you mean?'

'Okay, you never heard this from me, but listen. Dad grew up in a place where God and morals and all that preachy stuff was just a way of life. He never wants us to go see his folks much because he knows they'll just find us a little bit too different. Translation: he doesn't want them filling up our heads with their bible belt shit. Or a fight kicking off when one of us who's smart enough tells them all the reasons it's a crock. And it's not just us. It's Dad too. Dad goes to church because everyone else does. Because Mum does. And we all did it too until Mum said we could make up our own minds. But it was actually Dad who said that. Dad doesn't feel like he's believed in God for years. He just won't tell anybody. Except me. He told me one night when I picked him up from the depot, because he was too tired to drive home. He'd driven too many hours as it was. And he told me that. He said he had a lot on his mind, but maybe it would be better if I didn't hear most of it.'

Dad was about to have a moment like that? Like what Colton had had with me? I almost couldn't imagine it. Except I'd seen Dad over-tired from driving too many hours, and I could see his face, and suddenly it seemed like there had always been something like this behind it. 'When was that?'

'A few weeks ago,' Rocco said. 'I thought maybe it's that he doesn't like his job anymore. Maybe he wishes he'd just stopped at two or three kids. Maybe he was getting that shit people sometimes get at his age where they feel like they've wasted their life, no matter what they've got or what they've done. I offered to take him for a drink; he said no thanks. That's when I knew he was afraid of some truth.'

'Dad's never acted like he's afraid of anything.'

Rocco shrugged. 'Maybe he just doesn't like who he i and he can't help but be that guy anyway. But shit,' Rocco said, looking at me and obviously reading something. 'That doesn't excuse what he's just done. Maybe another week on the road and he'll tell me something. Or he'll go see the doctor and admit he's depressed, or whatever it is. And can I tell you something? Strictly between you and me?'

I nodded.

'Maybe it's Mum. I mean, I love her to bits, we all do, but she aint easy, bro. Married to her for nearly twenty years? Any man deserves a medal. Maybe he just can't tell her that she drives him nuts and it would be better if they didn't live together anymore. But then that means he might not get to live with us.'

'He keeps this up and all his little wishes might just come true,' I said. 'Thanks for bringing my stuff, but can I just get some space right now?'

'Sure,' he said. 'I'm starving after the whole no-dinner thing. You don't wanna go get a burger or something?'

'I already ate,' I said.

* * *

It was true what I'd said earlier: thinking about that morning in the pool gave me one massive stockpile of pent up sexual energy that I had to unload on Colton. Even he was surprised. Two weeks in to being sexually active with someone else, and I already felt like all inhibitions were dropped. It didn't matter that his parents were downstairs, or his sister, because this house was so totally different from mine it was like nothing was off limits. After half an hour of play-fighting and foreplay and sniffing each other until no part was left undiscovered, I pinned Colton down on his bed and fucked him so hard that he had his head buried in the pillow for most of it. Then, still finding frenetic energy within minutes of having wound down from it, I did his tail thing until he came. We lay together afterwards and napped for a while. The sun was just starting to set when we woke up.

'You know what I've really noticed about your house?' I said as Colton lay with his right ear on my chest, the way I liked. 'It is so, so quiet.'

'Really?'

'Stop listening to my heart for a second and just hear how quiet everything is,' I said, and Colton pulled himself up, touching his nose to the tip of mine. 'I am_not_ used to this. I live in a house with ten people and half my brothers and sisters aren't teenagers yet. Right here? I can't even hear the TV downstairs. I've actually got peace and quiet and I had no idea how much I needed it.'

As if taking a hint, Colton lay down next to me and said nothing. He stroked my tail for a while, then my head, then he put his nose against my neck and shoulder and just breathed the scent of me while he cuddled me against him. I had never felt so relaxed in my entire life. And whatever kind of cotton Colton's sheets were made of, it put mine to shame. Everything about this place was the stuff I'd only ever seen on MTV Cribs. And I wasn't going to let myself feel guilty about having found myself a rich boyfriend for a second. Nor one whose home was virtually the Playboy mansion compared to mine. Even Alfie had never brought his girlfriend into ours and made an obvious show of having relations.

'Hey Colton,' I said. 'Do you think we really exist?'

'Oh_hell,_ raccoon. You had to go and ruin a good chillout session with the Descartes theory?' I looked at him. 'I am one of the top five grades in our stupid high school, dontcha remember? I'm even ahead of you. Weird things happen with my head sometimes but it don't make me a dumb hick.' He rolled over and lightly slapped my butt. 'Just so you know, I'm still feeling a little bit weird about the whole swimming thing. It's like I beat the fear but it's still there. It's like holding a spider but you're glad you put it down afterwards and wonder if you can do it again. I don't really know how much progress I made.'

'But you did make some,' I said. 'Maybe more than you know.' I sat up, cushioned by Colton's pillows. 'I think your idea about coming out together was a good one. Let's do it. Let's do it right now. You got a laptop?'