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Even though he'd been plenty smart in English class, I'd never thought Colton had much flare for writing (or that I did either for that matter) until he went first and typed the story of his accident, and how the man who had saved his life had later ended up taking his own. He even included how he'd been skating completely naked when he had the accident, and how later it had ended up in false allegations against the man who'd found him, Alvin, a fellow fox who just stopped to help a nearly fatally injured kid and had it end in abuse rumours.

I sat with my arm around Colton as he wrote it, and then opened up to the page about how he'd spent weeks in the hospital unstable after they'd re-sealed his skull only to have to drill a hole in it again to release the intracranial pressure. Then came the headaches, then the amnesia, and by the time they sent him home it still hadn't completely worn off. It still hadn't to this day. He wrote about what it was like to wake up completely blank, and then have it all come back after an hour or two, with little memory of what he'd done in that time, like a massive absence seizure. And no specialist he'd ever seen could give a definite answer about why it still happened, or how it could be treated.

Then there was Al's suicide. Colton wrote about it like he was completely detached from it, but I knew he wasn't. He wrote about the moment when he heard, and described it as worse than losing a close friend, because if only he'd actually got to know the fox who saved his life then all the rumours that something different had happened would all have gone away. At least he'd said thanks in the hospital, but when someone died like that, saying thanks somehow didn't feel like enough.

Then there was the hypersexuality. Colton was 'The fox who was always ready to fuck,' and he liked it, but didn't like it all at once. But at least now he had a partner who 'actually made is special instead of just an act.'

'You wanna brown-nose me why don't you just do it for real?' I said.

'You're so gross,' Colton said. 'Sure I've sniffed your butt but actually sticking my nose up there? Think I'll pass.'

'Colton, I was thinking about something.'

'What?'

'You've had quite a lot of experience at this whole thing, right? You're my first, but...I'm not exactly yours.'

Colton looked at me oddly as if he didn't get where I was going, then it dropped into place. 'Oh. Okay. You could have just asked, but it's cool. I'm totally clean. At least, I am for HIV. That's what you were worried about, right? After our first time. And however many times we've done it since and not worried. I can get a test if you really want me to.'

'Nah, it's cool.'

'You sure? You're not looking like you're sure. Just say if that's what you want.'

'Well...okay look, if you've never got one before then how do you know you're clean?'

'I donate blood,' he said. 'Doctor says I can, even with the migraines thing. I started doing it and I think it helps. They test my blood every time I do it, it's like a free health-check. Besides, if you get HIV then you get a fever a few days after you first get infected. Last time I remember running a temperature was long before I had sex with anything apart from my right hand.'

'You're left handed.'

'It's just a fuckin' expression, raccoon. Besides, haven't you ever tried jerking off with your weaker hand and seeing if it feels like it's not you doing it?' Colton put the last few lines on his story and then stopped writing. 'If you were that bothered, why didn't you just ask me to use a condom? I'd have done it. Why did_you_ never wear one either?'

'I just...' Why hadn't I? Deep down somewhere, I knew Dad was right about one thing: I should have kept things safe. 'That first night, I wanted you so much I just didn't care. Every night after...it was the same. Just caught up in the moment and I didn't care. When we fuck, I just forget anything I ever worried about.'

It was a good answer. Colton growled softly and squeezed my butt, his hand down the back of my pants. 'It's cool though,' he said. 'For a fox, I'm clean as a bedsheet.' The same line I'd once used on him, with my species instead of his. 'Okay, that's me. Let's do you. Ready to write your story?'

* * *

It was midnight by the time we were ready to hit Publish.

'Ready for this?' Colton said. 'Last chance, is the world ready for you?'

I clicked the button. 'It had better be now.'

Colton grabbed my right ear with his right hand and gave me a noogie with his left knuckles. 'Yeah, and me.'

'Let me go!' I said, as he continued to rub even harder. 'I'll yank your tail so hard you'll think you're getting pelted!'

'Go right ahead. All yours.' Colton shifted to lying down and rolled onto his front, wagging his tail for me. 'Because you are not going to sit there all night waiting to see how many likes we get on every platform you just put that out on.'

'Sorry to disappoint, Colton, but I'm not feeling it right now,' I said. 'Because you know what this is?'

'What?' he rolled back over slightly, a quarter-roll so he could rest his head on his hand with his elbow on the mattress.

'Maybe the first time we've been together for three hours and just spent time doing something that wasn't sex or video games or sports or telling each other a secret. We actually did something that kind of...I dunno, it's like we actually thought about why we both matter. Not just said sorry to each other in a way that ended in us both getting a boner. Or just playing around with each other.'

'Yeah, okay,' Colton said, looking a little more serious than he had before. 'Fair play, you just came out to the world, it's gotta feel a little bit sober.' He took a pillow and put it over the bulge in his pants. 'It's cool, I won't ruin our moment if you just wanna keep talking.'

This was going to sound awful, but I just couldn't help it. 'Are you actually hot for me right now or is it your condition?'

Colton looked like he was about to launch full-on into how horny he was, but then just sighed. 'Condition,' he said. 'Sorry. This whole thing's got me wired. But I'm not gonna jerk off and you don't gotta feel like you've gotta help. Let's just be cool and keep this in low gear. I can do that. Pillow right here solves everything. How many likes have we got?'

'You know what?' I said, shutting the lid of the computer. 'Why don't we just let tonight belong to us and not care until tomorrow? It's midnight and I'm wide awake. And you're right, I feel sober. Why don't we get drunk? I'm still trying to learn how to like drinking. I kinda liked that long island whatever it was we drank a bit too much of two weeks ago. What happened to your idea this morning about getting hammered? Your parents got a drinks cupboard?'

Colton sat up and grinned. 'I thought you'd never ask.'

I started pulling my pants back on.

'Woah raccoon, what you doing? There's nobody up right now.' He pricked his ears back, reminding me how good his hearing was. 'This house belongs to us. Let's make it a fur-only bar.'

* * *

Colton showed me how to make the long island iced tea from memory, with a finesse that made me wonder how many bars he'd worked behind at his mother's wedding events, or maybe even...damn, how had I missed that?

'What bar do you work behind?' I said.

'The Snake Oil Pitstop,' Colton said. 'Sports bar. You should come one night when I'm on, I'll introduce you to some friends. They're going to be dying to meet you now.' He clinked his glass against mine. 'Steady,' he said. 'It's a nice drink but your little head's gotta get used to you being down-with-the-fox Todd.' He took a slurp and wiped his mouth. 'That's what I've been calling you. Coz I know you're trying to impress me. Aren't you?'

'Well, not exactly but...yeah.' I was standing naked in the kind of kitchen it would have taken my family half a lifetime to afford, with its marble surfaces and designer cooking range and utensils, and it was more spotlessly clean that even my family could manage on a day when mum inspected our cleaning like a drill sergeant, and right in front of me was my boyfriend, naked as I was, a drink in his hand and his tail brushing from side to side with pleasure.

'Just be who you are, Todd-coon. That's all you gotta do. But I don't mind encouraging you to have a drink or two.'

I took a slurp as if to agree. 'And I don't wanna be a pain in your ass, like a guy who tries to change a guy. I know I'm kind of a health freak who's a bit serious.' I stood and stared at him for a moment. 'For God's sake, light up already. You're trying to quit for me and it's obvious you're not ready and you don't really wanna do it.'

Colton laughed. 'I'm okay, Aldrington. It's better for my health.' He took another drink. 'But damn,' he said. 'It's like you actually enjoy watching me smoke.' He was already looking for a packet his mother might have left. I found it first, and he found it when he saw me looking.

'I kinda do,' I said.

'Kools?' He said, looking at the green and white softpack and then shaking one out. 'Man, she's gone soft.' He lit one and took a deep drag on it, closing his eyes as smoke drained from his nostrils. 'Oh thank god. You're right, I'm not ready. And I've gotta say it, I like that you're a health freak. Do not let being with me make you start.'

'Rocco and I stole one from Alfie and tried it together,' I said. 'We both felt sick. You got worries about me trying again.'

Colton leaned on the worktop. 'Okay. I suppose now's as good a time as any. There's a little rule I need you to agree to. I don't mind if we do our thing after a few drinks, I like sex on drink. There's a couple of things I could show you about both at once,' his eyes flashed and he gave me a toothy grin. 'But I had one guy who went a little bit too far with it. He said sorry later, I know he never meant to get rough when I told him to stop. But ever since then, I don't do drunk sex. If you come home drunk and horny one night then you're dealing with that itch yourself. I'll get in the same bed with you, but I'll always be behind you. I doubt I'm gonna need that rule for you, but is it cool?'

'Yeah, course it is,' I said. I'd never even have thought about trying to have sex with someone while drunk myself, but I knew he was right. I'd never want him trying it with me while drunk either, and I was glad he'd thought to bring it up before I could. Strange, it still felt like it should have been me making this rule. 'You were okay, right? After the guy who wouldn't stop.'

I almost wished I hadn't asked, but Colton played it cool. 'You've seen me ready to start a fight,' he said, surrounding his head with smoke. 'I'm glad you've never seen me actually have one. I don't lose. I think Travis was more sorry I kicked his fuckin' ass.'

I nearly dropped my glass. 'Travis Danforth? The tiger who plays quarterback in the football team?'

'You thought I'd never had a closeted jock before you?' Colton leaned back and topped his drink up with more vodka. 'Football players are always the worst for it.'

I put my drink down. 'You won a fight with a tiger?'

'It's not about strength, raccoon. It wasn't even that he was drunk.' Colton shook himself and adjusted his feet, looking like he was ready to pounce. My heart quickened, blood slowly making its way to my manhood already. 'It's speed, accuracy, minimum effort with maximum result. You ever see a tiger crying, Aldrington? I wish I could extract that memory from my head and play it on a TV for you.'

Yeah, I said. 'So I'm down-with-the-fox Todd now_,_ am I? Well I've got a name for you. I remember that song you like, Muzzle by the Pumpkins. I found a better one. It's called Beautiful Dangerous. That's you.'

Colton mouthed the title to himself. 'Oh yeah, I know it. Slash, with Fergie as a guest singer. That's a great record, raccoon. Nice choice.' He slicked his ears back and struck a pose against the bar. 'Beautiful dangerous. Even if I do have soft pads.'

It was our regular in-joke now: Colton had tried to copy my barefoot thing, and within three days his pads were looking like he'd been rubbing them against a cheese grater. I'd told him it wasn't about going barefoot for everything straight away; it took time to build up callouses and get them used to having no cushioning, and even I didn't go running barefoot all the time. I certainly didn't play basketball barefoot, because 'Ever had a big tall bear tread on your foot?'

'That's a better name for you,' I said. 'Soft Pads Colton.'

'My soft pads would kick yo ass, raccoon. And by the way, they're still burning and itching all the time. Hell with your barefoot thing, this fox is staying with sneakers.'

'Sit up on one of those,' I said, looking at the barstools. 'Paw inspection.'

Colton wagged his tail and hopped up onto one. 'You dare tickle me and my soft pads will boot you into that fridge over there cartoon style. You'll be sitting there with broken eggs in your fur and a bucket of coleslaw on your fuckin' head.'

I laughed and sniffed Colton's pads. 'I thought you said you showered. I can still smell pool. And your dirty socks.' I rubbed between all his toes and massaged his pads and he sat there breathing deeply and relaxing. 'I can't help but ask,' I said. 'Who was the first person who did this to you?'

Colton drained his glass to almost empty and filled his lungs with smoke. 'Courtney.'

I stopped. 'Seriously?'

'Still glad you asked? I don't know where she got it from. I don't think she noticed I got hot for it. I didn't even know what getting hot was. Always figured I'd just grow out of it.' He laughed at whatever face I was wearing. 'The only thing my sister's ever touched of mine's my paws, Todd-coon. And she soon stopped doing that as soon as we hit our teenage when she realised why I always wanted to do it.' He flexed his feet in my hands. 'First weapon she ever had over me, knowing a turn-on before I'd even had a girlfriend. But there's something I'd better tell you, before you find out some other way.' He took his feet back and sat up straight. 'I once let Courtney watch me a fuck a guy,' he said. 'About a year ago. My thing's my tail. Hers is that she likes watching gay guys do it. I had a boyfriend who was bi like me and told me he had this weird fantasy about me and her together. I told him it was never gonna happen, but I didn't mind if he could get her to watch us. And play with him a little bit. It actually was kinda hot.'

So much for Courtney never having known about Colton's boyfriends then. I somehow always knew she'd lied to me about that.

'And I already told her I seriously doubt you're going to do let her watch anything, and she'd better keep her hands off you. That thing a year ago was a complete one off, and I've always been a little bit weird about it. But I dunno, it's no big deal to me knowing my own sister thinks I'm a good looking fox. But there are boundaries. We both know what they are. And between you and me, Mum doesn't know about that whole thing. Pretty sure her whole liberal lifestyle thing would stop at her own two kids mixing their sex life together.'

'Courtney_is_ a good kisser,' I said, trying to feel a little less weirded out. The most weird thing about it was how easy it was to imagine. And I could just as easily imagine Courtney's voice encouraging me while she stroked my head as I pinned her brother down.

'Did you?' Colton said.

'Oh yeah, never told you did I? She was my first kiss. Prom night, in the band tent.' I told him how it had all gone, right up to the moment where she'd given an encouragement tongue-kiss that had felt like it meant something more special.

'Sweet,' Colton said. 'She does have a way with guys, I'll give it to her. If I wasn't her brother, I'd go for it. But listen. You know her type. I think she's gonna try it with you. If you're living here, sooner or later you might end up alone with her. If I'm working and she's home and you're bored...you get what I'm saying? If it happens, I won't be mad at you.'

'You actually think I should, don't you?'

Colton shrugged. 'It's up to you. If she turns you on, why not at least try doing it with a woman?'

I shook my head. 'Give me a month in this house and nothing on Earth's going to surprise me anymore.' I sat down on a barstool and sipped my drink. 'Colton, can I ask you something serious?'

'Sure, as long as you're not counting on a reply that's too serious back right now.' He sat opposite me, swishing his tail from side to side in a slow, nonchanlant way.

'What if I...nah, forget it.'

I hadn't intended it as a tactic to bait his curiosity, but it did. 'Oh come on, you can't do that, leave me hanging. What crazy idea have you got?'

'What if I threw all the plans for my life I made out the window and we just took off? Like went out to see the world and had an adventure.'

Colton stared at me, and whatever he was thinking I knew he'd never guess it. 'That's a serious thought? Like for real serious? You'd just shitcan your scholarship and your engineering major and your..._everything_just to take off with me?'

'Yeah. What do you think?'

'I think you're the only person I know smart enough to realise dreams like that are just dreams,' Colton said.

It wasn't what I'd expected. 'Really?'

'Take a look at this,' Colton said. 'All this that I've got because of my family. You could make this one day. I can't. I only know how to live with it and somehow not quite fall off the edge of sanity. I might just have done it if I hadn't found you in time. I've only got one mode and it's called waking up and not having a clue what today's got. Being fast and being book-smart only really works if you're not me.'

'All in your head, Colton,' I said. 'You'll do something great. Even if it's not be a pilot. Which by the way, I never thought was all it's cracked up to be. Why not design planes? Come do engineering with me. Or design video games. Or just try becoming a pro skater or something. What if you could?'

'Then I'd've been spotted a long time ago,' he said. 'Like you were. Just chill, raccoon, I'm working on it. I know I've gotta do something.' He looked away for a moment. 'But maybe...nah, forget it.'

'Oh very good. I'm not biting. I bet you've got nothing.' I put my feet in his lap and pressed my pads against his stomach.

'Oh I got something, buttstuffer. It's just not for tonight.'

'Why not?'

'Because tonight I just wanna sit here naked and drink booze. With you. And not have you worry about what I'm going to do with my life.' He made another cocktail, smoked another of his mum's menthol cigarettes, gave me a half-assed paw inspection with my feet in his lap, then said 'Okay. Now look, you know how Mum thinks she knows everything about me? She doesn't know this yet. And I don't know what she'll think when she does. Dad either. It's not the same as what you've just been through but I think they might be a bit difficult to talk to about it. More than just a little. And they'll worry. Just like I know you're going to. And I bet you're so smart you already spent the last ten minutes working it out. You didn't even get a twitch when I touched your paws you were thinking so hard.'

'Yeah okay, I was. But I've got nothing.'

'That's because you've never seen me on one of my blank days yet.'

Shit, the drink had made me slow. It should have been the first thing I thought of. Now it was all going through my head, and Colton was letting it. I should have guessed he'd been smart enough to read up on his condition, maybe even find other people like him, talk anonymously online if he had to, maybe even meet up somewhere out of town. I suddenly wondered again where he'd disappeared to for five days, and somehow I knew it had to be relevant. And I knew what was on his mind. It probably had been for years.

'A medical trial,' I said. 'Right? You read about somebody else who had something like you do and someone found a cure. Or found something. So you want to try it. But...okay, what are the risks?'

'You_cannot_ tell my parents,' Colton said. 'For fuck's sake, you've gotta keep your mouth zipped about this.'

'Yeah no problem, do I really have to promise that?'

'It's hella risky,' Colton said. 'But it's worked on everyone who's tried it. Mostly. This one guy who got this thing, he got his gone-day about two years later. It's how I first found out that could happen, and I was pissed at all the doctors I ever saw and Mum and Dad with them for never telling me about it. They never even knew, and I could look it up on the fucking internet?' He waved his cigarette, as if trying to wave his rising hackles away like the smoke. 'So I got it into my head I might end up gone. Or I might not. It's like I said, since I've been with you I started thinking I was scared over nothing. And then...I just got to thinking, what if this doesn't just affect me? What if we actually last, and we don't stop loving each other, and then one day I'm gone? What if it hurt too much that I could never be the person you fell in love with ever again, even if you couldn't leave me? Even if that's what we agreed?'

'Colton, maybe this is-'

'Too much right now? It's always going to be too much. Why do you think I'm still thinking about this? What if this thing could mean there's a chance I come back from my gone-day? What if I'm actually with someone who'd be able to...'

'To what?' I said, suddenly feeling so nervous I wish I smoked, just so something might relieve it. 'To make a choice about whether or not to use it on you? What_is_ it, Colton? Some kind of brain implant?'

'It's a microchip,' he said. 'Designed to mimic brain tissue all around itself so your brain doesn't see it as a foreign body. Imagine that engineering. That's just the start of how much this costs, what hoops I'd have to jump through, but just listen. It sends out electrical signals that stimulate the part of the brain used for long term memory, that's called the hippocampus, right inside the centre here.' Colton dipped his chin and noogied the centre of his own head. 'They've put these in five guys with amnesia issues. It improved them all. Mostly. It's not perfect, but maybe it's something if I ever needed it. When words didn't work anymore.'

'And the risk's the brain surgery?'

'The risks's that this thing uses electricity. If something like that goes wrong inside your brain...two out of the five they trialled on had to have them taken out. One was okay. The other...not so okay.'

'Not so okay how?'

'Mental institution.'

'Shit,' I said.

'Don't panic,' Colton said. 'I haven't done this yet because I know you don't just walk into something like this. And maybe it's better if I don't do it anyway. Or maybe it's not. And I already know you're going to tell me not to risk it because that's safe and safe's what you do.'

Apart from when I'm having sex with you, I resisted saying.

'Just wait till you've seen one of my blank days before you give me any advice, okay?'

'Yeah it's cool,' I said. 'It's your life, Colton. It's not my choice to make regardless of whether we're together. Whatever you want, I'll support it.'

He gave me a stunned look, like nothing else he'd ever heard had mattered to him that much. 'Thanks,' he said, and I nodded, and we sat together in silence for a moment, exchanging dumb smiles and rubbing feet up each others legs.

'We've got a pretty cool wall sized TV in there,' Colton said. 'You like swimming, right? There are some hot otters on triple-X who can really use that water. Wanna go watch them? It's Saturday, that means it's wet T-shirt and pants night.'