FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

“FUCKING NOOBS!"

A computer mouse came crashing down against it's mat followed quickly by a headset, which broke upon impact. “I told them we needed another tank. Play that shit in Quick Play, assholes."

The word “DEFEAT" flashed on the monitor. The Escape key was pressed. “Exit to desktop?" The Y button could be heard being smashed into the desk, the keyboard straining under the pressure.

“Fuck that fucking game and all you shit players." The man in front of the monitor leaned back in his chair, it groaned under the shifting weight of his girth. He looked at his now broken headset and cursed again. He opened the web browser and clicked on the amazon.com link. Headsets of all kinds automatically displayed under “recommend" and he click on the pair under Previously Purchased and clicked the one-click buy option. “Thank fuck these things are cheap."

He sighed. “I need a break. I wonder if anything new is on SoFurry?" Opening incognito mode, another bookmark was clicked and the website loaded. After signing in, he searched for the MLP tag, and made sure the Content Level was set to 'extreme.' “Why the fuck do I always have to log in? Annoying as fuck." Next he clicked Featured and browsed. He found an interesting submission and began to read.

CRUNCH

Blackness. Everything was gone. No monitor, no computer. He began to look around. No room. No house! He could see his own hands and body as if lit by very bright lights, but there was nothing else to be seen anywhere. He couldn't feel anything. It wasn't hot nor cold. He couldn't even feel the air. He was floating in nothing in a half-sitting half-standing position. “Did I pass out?"

“You're dead."

“WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?" he cried out in panic. Somehow he spun himself around and kept spinning for three more revolutions.

“It's me, Ed," replied a young and playful feminine voice. The rotund man stopped spinning and saw a figure beginning to come into the light. As the light increased, the figure became more defined. It was a human in black sweatpants and a black hoodie with the hood down. Then Ed noticed that this human had no face, but a skull. In fact it was a skeleton walking through the nothing towards him. Needless to say, Ed was freaked out.

“Aaaaahhh" he screamed in the most girly scream he ever uttered and took a fetal position. “What are you! Please don't hurt me!" He started sobbing, afraid for his life.

“I can't hurt you silly, I said that you are already dead, Ed. Haha, that rhymes." The man kept crying not listening. “Ed…" He was starting to hyperventilate. “Ed," the feminine figure said more sternly as she approached him. He was still breathing heavily, refusing to acknowledge her. “Ed!" she yelled and with a bony hand and slapped him across the face.

Ed stopped. And reflexively held his hand to his cheek where he had been slapped. He then looked at the skeleton. “Ow, you scary bitch."

“I know that didn't really hurt you. Are you listening yet?"

“No! I want answers. Am I dreaming? Where am I? What are you? How did I get here?"

The bony figure smirked; the skull-face somehow showing emotion. She held up her skeleton hand and counted off each answer on her fingers: “No, limbo, Death, you died."

“What. The. Fuck." Ed wiped the tears he had been crying and got a determined, slightly pissed off look to his face. He looked at the skull woman right in the empty eye sockets and then asked more calmly “What do you mean I died."

“Now we're finally getting started!" she replied in a more friendly tone. She held her hand up and spinning into existence from nothing, she caught her scythe. She then held it forward and started to look at the nothing beside Ed, then an image came into view. It was of Ed sitting at his computer. He could see himself sitting at his computer looking at the SoFurry website.

The Ed in the image spoke out “Why the fuck do I always have to log in? Annoying as fuck." He continued to watch the Ed at the computer click and maneuver the mouse. Then a loud CRUNCH startled him so much, the girly scream came back for a sequel. The image zoomed out and Ed could see that an airliner had crash landed on his house.

Death chimed in “You died instantly, so you have that going for you, which is nice."

Ed looked at the carnage. A fire had begun somewhere in the broken fuselage of the plane. There were bodies strewn about. Sirens could be heard in the distance. Most of his house was gone. He saw that his computer would be in the part of the house directly under the wreckage.

“My house!" Ed kept looking but there was only carnage.

Giving a knowing look towards Ed, Death held up one bony finger.

Ed asked, “What do you mean I'm dead? I can't be dead. This is just a dream. None of this is real."

Death held up a second finger.

“Fuck you, you lying bitch! Why did this even happen?" yelled Ed, at the skeleton woman.

A third bony finger extended.

Ed continued, “come on, we can work something out. I have bitcoin, ether, you name it!

There is so much I still need to do!"

A fourth finger.

“OH MY GOD! I still have so much to do. My life sucks. Look at me! I don't want to die like this!" He gestured to his morbidly obese body. Ed started crying again. Though this time it was a soft whimper.

Death's thumb extended.

“Im…. I'm dead." Ed sniffled one last time and wiped the tears from his eye again. Death took her hand, already open with five fingers extended, and pat Ed on the back encouragingly.

“There, there," she said playfully. “It's not all bad." The image of the wreckage faded away leaving the nothingness and she threw her scythe away. It spun through the air until it faded out of existence.

“How could there be anything worse than dying?"

Death replied “Trust me, going to hell is not a good time. It sucks so bad, I don't even like to take people there. Just being close makes me feel like I'm going to throw up."

Ed wondered how a skeleton could even throw up, but he then realized that he was talking to Death. The Real Death. “So, you're really the Grim Reaper?"

Death smiled. “I sure am, but I prefer if you called me Death, OK?" Ed nodded.

“I thought Death was supposed to have a dark cloak and a hood where you can't see his head."

“You mean like this?" Death reached her hand up and her scythe once again spun back into existence flying back into her hand. She thrust it upward and transformed into the stereotypical frightening look Ed expected. She had grown in size and towered over Ed. In a large booming voice she spoke with an evilness behind each word, “ E** dward**, I have come for your soul!"

Staring into the pitch black under her hood where her skull was, Ed could see nothing and almost felt like his body was being drawn into it. Edward cowered in fear “ok, please turn back."

Letting out a large evil laugh, Death threw her scythe right towards Ed. Screaming in fear, he threw his hands up as it got closer. At the last second, the scythe faded from existence again leaving behind the Death he first met.

Smiling playfully, the young feminine voice was overly cheerful “Now that we have all that settled, let's talk about why you're here, and not there," she said pointing up.

“So, I'm not going to hell?"

Death shook her head “Despite you being an asshat to your online gaming 'friends,'" she said in air quotes, “you're actually a nice guy to the people at work and to your neighbors." She then got real close and whispered “and you lost that last game because you wouldn't get off Hanzo, you weeb!" Backing away she laughed.

“What the fuck? You play?"

“Sure do! You'd be surprised how many celestial beings are avid gamers. We have the best internet connection. I get like a 7 ping and can Widow the fuck out of you any day. I get accused of aimbotting all the time. So I spam the 'What's an aimbot' line as they tilt. It's hilarious!"

“Holy shit! Death's a Widow main? What's your rank in comp?"

“Of course I Widow! How else can I kill everyone so easily. And I'm in top 500 every season, but just barely."

“I wish I could play with you sometime," said Ed smiling.

“Sadly, you're dead and that will never happen." Ed's face instantly went from happy to sad. “I'm here because you were not actually supposed to die yet. You see, the plane's angle was off by one degree from the plan causing it to slam into your house instead of the open field behind your house. Everyone else on the plane was supposed to die and I already escorted them. But you were not and that's why you're here in limbo. Believe it or not, this actually happens about once every 10 to 20 years. So congratulations! You're one out of over two billion" She gave a bony thumbs up.

“So, what happens next?"

“The contingency is for the subject to go to a heaven like world based on the last fiction they experienced until they reach the time that they were originally scheduled to die."

“Wait a moment," interrupted Ed. Death smiled and gave him the time to work things out. “So does that mean that if someone was watching Star Trek, they would go live in a spaceship?" She nodded. “And if they read the Lord of the Rings, they would go to the Shire or something?"

Death confirmed, “Yeah, but it would be heaven-like, so not as much war or ships blowing up or as much danger. A nice easy life."

“... until they were originally supposed to die."

“You got it!" She held up her bony hand for a high five. Ed looked at it and meekly met her hand. It grossed him out touching bone. But this didn't phase Death, she continued smiling as Ed was thinking again.

“So I was playing Overwatch! That's' cool. I could live in the sci-fi future where they have flying cars! … well cars that hover and all that other cool tech!"

“Yes, you did play Overwatch, but that's not the last fiction you experienced."

Ed's face lost all color. “No…. No.... NO!" he moved close to Death, grabbing her arms, not caring about the bones anymore. He desperately pleaded “ N OOO!"

“Remember, this is a heaven like world so try to enjoy yourself."

“NOOOOOOOOooooooooo. Please NOOOO. I'll do anything."

Speaking to herself, “huh, I thought we were past 'bargaining.'" Looking at Ed she gave one last smile. Death raised her hand and her scythe spun back in to it from nowhere. Giggling, she offered “remember, Friendship is Magic."

“Fuck….. You."

She slammed the handle of her scythe into the non-existent ground and Ed vanished.

---

Author's Note:

I know that using a bookmark in incognito mode is stupid (because a bookmark doesn't hide the fact he visits the website.) I also know that using incognito mode is what resets the Mature setting he's so annoyed about. (Cookies and all that.)

These were meant to be funny to the people that understand it and to show how computer savvy Ed is.