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Two years ago

I had one of those feelings at breakfast where I just knew that somehow, in some way, Mum was going to make me want run away from home today. Sure enough, she soon made the fur on my back stand on end under my shirt. In front of all my brothers and sisters, she told me she was going with me to my sports physical that day.

'Muuuuum, seriously?' I said, as my sisters tried not laugh. 'I'm sixteen years old. I can take care of myself.'

'Well that's just it,' she said. 'That's exactly what I think you're not doing. Now don't argue because you can't refuse. I want to chaperone you and that's exactly what I'm going to do.'

'What's a sport's physical?' Felix said.

'It's where you get checked out by the doctor before the school lets you do sports,' I said. 'So they know you're not going to die of foaming raccoon fever or something.'

'Oh, so you're going to see Dr Comfrey? Well then Mum's supposed to go with you.'

'When you're your age, yeah.'

'How's it different?'

I looked at Mum, who gave me that look that always said He asked you, so don't look at me. And don't tell him he'll understand one day.

'Erm...well...' Mum still wasn't going to help me out. 'I suppose it's not so different.'

Rocco beckoned Felix in and whispered something in his ear. He was quiet enough, but I could read his lips: 'Comfrey's gotta take his pants off and look at his nuts.'

'Oh!' Felix said, like he'd just heard the true meaning of life. 'What's so bad about that? Mum told me they're just another part of me. Aren't yours?'

'Well quite,' my mother said. Lucy, Dru, Beatrix, Olivia and Zelda were all sniggering. The youngest two probably didn't know why. 'And it will all be your turn one day, so laugh all you like but rest assured I'll remind you of it.'

Rocco gave her a cynical look. 'How's it ever going to be their turn? Apart from Felix none of them have even got-'

Mum clapped her hands. 'Now come on everyone, hurry up, you're all going to miss the bus if you don't get a move on.'

Let them laugh. They were all wrong anyway. It was nothing to do with getting my balls checked. If only it were that ordinary. I'd be just like anyone else then, and Mum would embarrass me all she wanted.

Rocco came into my room as I was getting my sports bag together for basketball. 'Don't sweat it, bro. She did this to me and Alfie too.'

'Yeah. Wonder why he moved out right after his eighteenth birthday. I swear he got Roxie pregnant just as an excuse sometimes.'

'Comfrey knows what to expect. She'll be on your side and Mum won't even know it. Noogie!' Rocco rubbed his knuckles on my head and made me drop all my stuff.

'Don't, Rocco. I'm in a shit mood. Every day she just makes me wanna jump off a fucking cliff. And just when I think it can't get worse she comes up with this. Well fuck. She can't do this. Patient confidentiality. It doesn't matter I'm not eighteen yet. I'm telling Dr Comfrey I don't want her with me and that's...that's_it_.' I knew I'd do no such thing, somehow so did Rocco as I threw my bag on the bed and stuffed it with more kit I didn't need.

'Chill out bro. Make a plan for how to embarrass her back at the next family thing.'

I had no plan, even by the end of the day at college. At least basketball went well.

I walked to the surgery afterwards thinking about how I only got this stupid check-up thanks to being on the sports teams. Not taking care of myself? Bullshit. How much sport did I do? How much sugar did I not eat compared to half the rest of our fat household?

I didn't remember Mum ever doing this for Rocco and Alfie either. I remembered Alfie flat-out refusing to go at all though, several years running, because he hated sports. Or so he said. But he was on the football team, so somehow he'd gone and got his certificate. How did he manage to do it without Mum then? Why couldn't I have just been him this morning, just for one day? It didn't matter though. Rocco had probably told me what he did just to make me feel better. I hoped Mum wouldn't be there waiting for me when I got to the clinic, but there she was.

'Please tell me you at least showered and shook off and dried your fur after sports,' she said, in front of the rest of the waiting room. They all gave me sympathetic looks. 'Yeeees,' I said, rolling my eyes.

'You're not going to embarrass me with one of your behaviour episodes, are you?' She said.

One of my behaviour episodes? Seriously? 'No Mum, it's cool.'

'Good. If Felix can behave with his condition at eight then you can do it at sixteen without it.'

'Oh sure. Compare me to Felix. If I'm good do I get my lolly-pop too?' I knew she was going to bring out whatever bigger guns she was always packing, and I no longer cared. Sure enough:

'Aw sweetie, of course you do.' She rubbed my head, and everything inside me just died. Those sympathetic looks from strangers were pouring in hard and fast now, and Mum just acted like she was surrounded in nothing.

Thank God that at least nobody from school was here too. Because I knew she'd have done it even if they had been.

At least my name got called quickly and the nurse called us through to wait in the surgery for Dr Comfrey, who was an otter. I was glad, I always seemed to get on well with otters.

'Come on then,' my mother said. 'Get yourself undressed, you can give me your clothes to fold.'

'I might not even need to get undressed,' I said, knowing that might as well be a prayer. 'This isn't that big a deal.'

'You can't be examined with your clothes on,' my mother said. 'Now come on, your brothers were both fine with this, and we're going to delay Dr Comfrey if you're not quick. If you really feel that embarrassed just keep your underpants on.'

Like I was ever going to take them off in front of her. Good job I didn't have to say it. I took my shorts off, then got caught up trying to take my hoody and T-shirt off at the same time.

'Oh really,' my mother said. 'Rocco and Alfie were never this much trouble. Hold still. Right, now put your arms up.' Great, Dr Comfrey had opened the door and come in while I was looking like an idiot, my hoodie and t-shirt wrapped around the top of my chest and head and my mum trying to pull it off. After she'd done it I shook myself, trying to pretend nothing had happened and stood up straight. 'Hi.'

'Todd,' she said. 'Hi there. Are you okay for me to give you your physical today?'

'Sure,' I said. 'Hope you wanted me in only my fur just to ask a few questions.'

'I think we'll be a little more thorough than that, Todd. This is for the sports team after all. Fur and pants only's perfect. Is this okay with you Mrs Alrdington?'

'Of course,' she said. 'Dr Comfrey, I'm a little worried about this young man.' She put her hands on my shoulders. 'He spends half the day in his room yelling and screaming along with this awful music. He calls it death metal. It really does sound like he's dying. I think it's wrecking his vocal cords; he's always got a sore throat. I need you to take a look and tell him what damage he's doing himself. And I want you to tell me if he's been smoking too. I swear I smelt it in the house more than once.'

My death metal singing? This was all about _that?_Man, she really did know nothing. It was all about how to scream properly, without damaging anything. So I had a croaky throat sometimes. All singers got that. Smoking? I hated smoking. That smell was Alfie. Like she wanted to imagine he was still living at home, sneaking out behind the shed and thinking she didn't notice.

I was getting the sympathy looks from Dr Comfrey already, and my mother was getting the professional act. Rocco was right, it really was obvious to me and not her.

'And another thing,' my mother said. 'When he's out of my sight, this boy flat out refuses to wear sneakers. His school even allow it for some reason. His feet must be in an awful state, and it can't be good for his joints. Please tell him. He just won't listen.'

'No problem Mrs Aldrington, we'll have a good look at Todd's feet in a minute.' She already knew there would be nothing wrong with them. 'Okay Todd, let's just hear you talk a bit more first of all. Say something to me.'

'Something.'

'This is serious, young man,' my mother said. 'You promised me you'd behave.'

'Mum just doesn't like my music and if she wanted me to turn it down all she had to do was ask,' I said. 'I taught myself how to yell and scream properly off the internet. Want me to show you?'

My mother rolled her eyes and sighed.

'I think it's fine just hearing you talk,' Dr Comfrey said. She put her hands on my throat and gently felt around. 'Your voice sounds a little rough but there's no swelling in the wrong places. Glands are okay. Just swallow for me. Okay, not bad. Lift your head a little, that's good.' She poked under my chin and felt all down the sides of my neck. 'Okay, open wide and let's take a look.' She put a stick on my tongue and shone a light inside my mouth. 'Hmm, yes that does look a little sore. Say ah for me. And again.' She moved the stick on my tongue, and her head a little. 'To be honest Todd, even though your throat hasn't swelled up it looks like you've been gargling thumbtacks down there.'

'You see?' my mother said. 'All that screaming's no good for you.'

'Well,' Dr Comfrey said. 'It's not so bad really, but perhaps Todd could do with a few sessions with a vocal coach and a little less practice time to let it recover.'

'Really?' my mother said, surprised.

'I'll give you the name of someone good,' Dr Comfrey said while looking inside my ears. 'Singing is good for the breathing after all, and I've heard that particular kind of music is a very good stress relief.'

'See,' I said. 'Told you all that screaming was good.'

At least she smiled, in that way I knew always meant 'Enjoy your moment.'

It was like she somehow knew my next moment alive was going to be the death of me.

Dr Comfrey took her stethoscope from around her neck, put it in her ears, then nestled the end of it under my fur, just slightly below my heart. 'Okay Todd, just breathe normally.'

Okay, I thought. Here we go. Just be cool and breathe calmly like the doctor said and try not to concentrate on it. Watch the clock on the wall. That worked last time.

Other people dreaded dropping their pants at their sports check. I'd heard so many jocks actually describe the process, mostly to say how much of a pervert their doctor apparently was. All of it locker room talk bullshit. I'd always dreaded the sports physical for the kind of bonkers reason I'd never turn into locker room talk, or even talk to anyone about: ever since I was a kid I'd had this unexplainable fascination with my own heartbeat.

It started with how I actually liked going to the doctor as a kid. There was something cool about breathing deep while someone listened under my fur. It sort of tickled. Mum had surely always noticed my reaction to it, and how I used to smile and laugh at it. Most kids were hell when it came to this. I wasn't. And she'd probably seen me get a boner every time, long before I even knew why. Thank God that when I hit my mid teenage, she'd been cool with me going to this on my own every year. Because now this was a serious problem. The 'it's just a funny feeling' stage of this was the best one. Why couldn't it have just stayed at that? Now it was a serious risk of literally soaking my pants. With my mum watching. Because she just had to have some bullshit concern about my voice and my feet. Had she really never noticed this before and realised what might happen to me?

I avoided it last time just by telling myself to stay calm repeatedly. That had worked at my last two physicals. Just pretend it wasn't happening and soon it would all be over and I could run home and jerk off. But I really wanted to enjoy this. Oh man, I was already giving in to it. I was halfway to pitching a tent and knew I couldn't control the rest. The itch in my pants just wouldn't stop until I had a full hard-on poking them outwards.

Okay, I told myself. Be cool. It's just a boner. It's nothing.

At least Mum was standing behind me and hadn't seen anything. Except my ears were flattened down on my head in embarrassment. Had she noticed? Had Dr Comfrey? It's cool, I told myself. She's a doctor and she's seen it all and she won't care.

She didn't show any sign of having noticed. She just kept on listening to my heart go thud-thud and I watched the clock on the wall tick, trying not to think about it but failing. Having that thing pressed against my fur just felt so damn exciting! She listened for a minute in the same place, a concentrated look on her face, before trying out some others. My feet twitched, like I was desperate to move about to stay calm, but I kept still, knowing my heart must have picked up with nerves. Besides, move now and Mum would see everything, and the bulge I now had in my pants was more like a great euphoric aching around my balls_._

Dr Comfrey though, she was a pro. 'Well Mrs Aldrington, there's certainly nothing wrong with your boy's heart,' she said, still listening as if to make sure. 'Plenty of exercise has been keeping that healthy.' She gave me a knowing look now, like she might wink. 'Good heartrate for a sixteen year old raccoon too.' She stood to the side of me. 'Let's hear you cough.'

I remembered to put my hand over my mouth, knowing my mother would remind me otherwise. 'And again,' Dr Comfrey said, listening on the other side of my chest. 'Good. Now breathe deeply in and out for me.' She listened all over while I huffed and puffed, feeling my ribcage swell up then relax under my fur. I felt calmer, even with the bulge in my pants still there. Only when I thought I'd gotten off clean did my heart kickstart itself again, with the horror of what was surely about to happen next. Because mum being behind me wasn't going to be a saving grace after all.

Please,please don't let Dr Comfrey make me turn around for her to listen on my back. Please anything but that. Anything but me turning around and seeing my mum's face when it looked like she'd flicked to a porn channel by accident and not only was there a horny raccoon, but it was the boy she'd raised, in all his glory.

Dr Comfrey stepped around to the back of me, without me moving at all.

My next deep breath was more like a sigh of relief so great that it was like I really had filled my pants. But I hadn't. I actually had control of this. I had no idea how. On my back, she listened to two breaths on each place, as if she somehow knew I wanted this to last longer, despite everything. My head was lighter than the air I was taking in by the time she'd finished. 'Good, lungs are nice and clear all over, sounds like you've got good breathing capacity there as well.'

'Must be the singing,' I said.

'And I seriously doubt this young man's been smoking, Mrs Aldrington. Not with those lungs.' Dr Comfrey tested their strength by getting me to blow into a tube.

'Yeah,' I said, after getting a reading well above the average. 'Definitely the singing and not the sports.'

My mother rolled her eyes at this. 'You're still going to the vocal lessons,' she said. 'If it really means that much to you, Todd, you could have just said. I'd have let you go to lessons before the doctor had to tell you.'

Sure you would, I thought. And we can really afford that when we're only just managing the groceries every week. Now I was going to have to get a weekend job. Good. The thought of having to work for some asshole boss who only used teenagers because they were cheap to pay was enough to bring me back down to Earth. My bulge soon subsided.

Dr Comfrey took my blood pressure and tested my reflexes by tapping the little hammer on my knees with me sitting on the edge of the exam table. 'Okay good, now how about those feet? Let's start with the right one.' She felt all around my both feet. 'When did you start going barefoot?'

'About six months ago. I read somewhere it's actually better for your physique than trainers. All I ever want trainers for now is baskeball. Coz when a bear steps on your foot you really do want them.'

'Take a look, Mrs Aldrington.' My mother dutifully looked at the soles of my feet. 'Todd's pads are nice and thick, and the bones in his feet all align perfectly. I'm guessing he built up his callouses and arch-strength over time. That's the right way to do it when someone wants to experiment with going barefoot. And his standing posture has looked perfect all through the exam. Nothing to worry about there.' As if to prove it, she tested my balance by getting me to walk across the room in odd ways and then got me to touch my toes to look at my spine. Then she got me to wag my tail while she prodded my tailbone, just above the line of my pants.

'Okay Todd,' Dr Comfrey said. 'We've saved the best for last. I'll need you to take your pants off and lie on the bed.'

It was strange, I really didn't mind doing it now. I was high on managing to keep control of myself, and the thought of this female otter touching me down there actually did nothing to get me hard again at all. Finally, I got the reprieve I needed:

'Shall I wait outside?' Mum said, just as I had my thumbs hooked into the elastic of my underpants.

Seriously?Now she wanted to respect my modesty? For crying out loud. 'If you wouldn't mind.'

'That's fine,' Mum said.

Once she shut the door, I took my pants off and climbed onto the bed, realising for the first time that somehow nothing had soaked through them. Dr Comfrey put on a pair of latex gloves, took out a tissue and cleaned my wet end before gently feeling each of my balls.

'I'm sorry about all that,' I said. 'Y'know, before.'

Dr Comfrey smiled. 'Oh it's no problem. I've been a doctor for twelve years. I've been seeing patients get excited sometimes since day one of medschool, and that's no exaggeration. And I remembered your last visit. That's why I made sure you were standing facing away from your mum before I used the stethoscope on you. And she stayed standing behind you, I noticed.'

'You think that was deliberate?'

'She's quite an observant woman, your mum, isn't she?'

'You've got no idea.'

'For a teenage boy, I admire how well you dealt with it. Okay, sit yourself up on the edge of the bed again.' she snapped the gloves off her hands and then washed them as well. 'One last question now your mum's not here. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend?'

'Err...no, I don't.'

'And have you been sexually active in the last year?'

'I wish. No. Nothing.'

'Okay Todd, you can get dressed now. That's a pass with flying colours.' She wrote something down. 'Here's the name of that coach for you.'

I pulled my hoody back on and then realised I hadn't put my T-shirt on under it. Never mind, I'd just carry it out with me. Let it look odd. 'Oh,' I said, one last thought occurring to me. 'I know this is kinda dumb, but I'm wondering if there's something you could give me.'

* * *

When I stepped back into the corridor and shut the exam room door behind me, I felt like a ten tonne weight have been lifted off my shoulders. If I could survive that, I could survive just about anything.

'So,' Mum said when she caught me about to leave through the front door by the reception, having almost completely forgotten that she was waiting for me. 'Was that a pass?'

I opened my mouth to say yes, and finally I had it: my way of embarrassing her back, just like Rocco said.

'No,' I said. 'Epic fail. Apparently I'm too well hung to play sports. Too much risk I'll crush 'em.'

A bunch of people in the waiting room sniggered. A few tutted in disapproval. A couple of kids actually laughed. Their parents looked at them as if in shock that they knew what the expression meant. My mum, she just put her hands on her hips and smiled.

'I guess you'll just have to take up music instead then,' she said, and walked out ahead of me.

* * *

It wasn't until we were in the car that my mother finally cracked.

'I'm sorry I've been a little overbearing with you. And if I embarrassed you at all today. I just care about you, Todd. It's my job. All that music you listen to...the truth is, I wasn't really that concerned about you screaming along with it. And by the way, I've heard you and Alfie talking about how I must disapprove of satan bands. Well, if God wanted the best music then maybe he should have inspired rock stars first. I'm not bothered by it at all. I like rock music sometimes. I just like country more. Except...well, those songs about self harm and suicide did make me wonder.'

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say. She'd caught me with this out of nowhere, and for once it didn't feel like a tactic, just her being my mother.

'Todd, if you ever felt like that, you know you could tell me, don't you? And I'd take you seriously and listen, and not just tell you it was teenage angst.'

My soaring euphoria was already drifting away, and now I was right back down on Earth, on my feet, the clouds far away from me. 'I'm not suicidal, Mum. And I don't want to cut myself. Or do anything like that. So....you wanted to come with me to my physical so you'd see if Dr Comfrey saw any sign I'd been doing that? And because you thought I was depressed and I might tell her? Why didn't you just say all this?'

'Because despite all the music, you're the quiet one. The one who keeps all these sorts of things to himself. Or maybe makes a lot of noise to try and cover it all.'

I shook my head, hoping she'd know from my still unshakable smile that she'd know I understood it now. 'That's not why I do it, Mum.'

'And I sort of already knew that,' she said. 'But I just had to make sure. I'm just trying to be a responsible parent. I hope you understand. I know I'm a handful. Except, sometimes I know I don't always know. Maybe from now on, I should listen if you need to tell me.'

'Thanks,' I said. 'And I understand.' I dug into my pocket and found the last thing I'd asked Dr Comfrey for. It was a lolly-pop. Tropical flavour, my favourite. I unwrapped it, put it in my mouth and sucked.

'Oh very good, young man.' My mother said as we pulled up to the traffic lights and she had chance to look over and see what I was doing.

'There's something I've got to know though. Is it true though? Did you really do that for Alfie and Rocco?'

'Oh yes,' she smiled. 'And it was far worse for them, believe me. At least you just have a screaming habit. Those two boys? I told Dr Comfrey about all their girlfriends and what they got up to after school. I said she should recommend they both got tested. I went to make sure they didn't lie to her, because I knew they would.'

'Seriously?'

'Oh yes. You are the well behaved one, Todd. It's why I like you.' She rubbed my head where Rocco had given me the noogie earlier. 'I'm sorry, that sounded wrong. I like Rocco and Alfie too. But I admit you're easier. And I never thought you'd been smoking. I got carried away. And I miss how Alfie thought I never knew he snuck behind the shed to light up. Besides, he's an adult now. And he still thinks he has to hide from me to smoke? Well, what does that tell you about who he really is, beneath all the talk? Boys. I really don't get why you think you can hide everything. Or why you think you need to sometimes.'

We went another block before I couldn't help myself, repeating her words over and over to myself as I chewed on my lollypop, like it was suddenly the dumbest thing in the world for me to be doing.

'Mum, can I ask you something?'

'Of course.'

'Did you....erm...like, notice anything back in there, when I was getting my check-up?'

My mother smiled, and for one seemed to consider what she was going to say. 'What was there to see?

My ears were flattened down on my head again, and I only just realised. Shit, I really had to stop letting my ears do this. 'Really you didn't notice anything?'

'I saw nothing, Todd.' She'd seen everything. 'Don't worry. You're a boy and it's your age.'

I sighed with relief. 'Thanks. Promise it's a secret?'

'Promise.' She drove off, and waited until we got to the traffic lights. 'And I know you're going to wonder, so yes, I always noticed it. And how when I used to tuck you in at night when you were younger you often slept with a hand over your heart. And the rest, sometimes. And how you never wanted to play doctor with any of your brothers or sisters as a child, but really you probably sort of did but you felt like it was better off secret. Maybe one day when you find a special person, you'll know they're really special if you can tell them what your thing is. Maybe you'll date an attractive medical student at college.'

'Muuuuum! Floppy ears right here!' Except they weren't. I was laughing to myself, and I suddenly couldn't stop, and I felt my dick twitch in my pants again, and couldn't wait to get home and put a chair under my bedroom door handle and deal with this feeling.

'Say,' Mum said. 'When was the last time we had a cup of coffee together? Just you and me.'

'Erm...' Never. I honestly couldn't remember her ever taking me out for coffee on my own. Or even the entire family, because such bills were reserved only for birthdays, and even then they had to be proper milestones. On my 16th, we'd had dinner with a special cake.

Cool the jets then, I thought. Because you can't refuse this. If this is making up, then you can't be unkind and deny it to her. Be grown up. Fantasies can wait. 'How about Starbucks?' I said.

It was a quiet cup of coffee, with neither of us saying much, until she got me started on the usual. How was school going. How were the sports. How about the music, was I actually going to do anything with my singing, or maybe even learn a guitar or something. Was I thinking of going to that coach Dr Comfrey had told me about. And predictably, I'd have to fund it because after thinking about it, Mum realised how money was tight as usual.

'There's an ad for weekend staff over there,' she pointed to the window. 'Think you could make coffee?'

'I'll go get a form,' I said. The manager was actually behind the bar himself this afternoon, and looked at me as if he approved when I asked.

'So,' Mum said. 'Between you and me, is there anyone special for you at the moment?'

I thought about it for a moment. 'Actually, yeah.'

'Ah-ha. And have you thought about how to impress, perhaps? Or maybe just ask out for some coffee?'

Colton Vincent wouldn't want to drink coffee. Colton would probably be sick at the very thought of me having a crush on him. I didn't even know why I did. He was the perfect jerk. Smart at everything but so full of it that only other people like him could be his friend. And I couldn't skate, and didn't like the thought of trying. And he was probably straight, but still didn't have a girlfriend because nobody was good enough for him. It was just the way he moved, sometimes. The odd way he scratched his head sometimes despite not being puzzled. The way he was late for classes some mornings and no teachers seemed to care, because it was like they were tuned into how untouchable he was as well.

'You're dreaming, Todd.'

'I don't like the person I like,' I said. 'I just want hi... her to be nice.'

My mother looked at me, as if trying to use her line about hiding things again without really knowing she was doing it.

'Does that make sense?'

'That people fall for people who aren't always nice? Oh yes. Your father and I were like that once. The first time we met he made me spill coffee down myself in a bar in Tucson. He told me it was my fault. I tore him down. He thought he'd torn me down back. Then a few hours later he came back near the end of my shift and said sorry. He even brought me flowers. Part of me wanted to stick my fingers down my throat. Or just send him away wearing those flowers. But I just didn't. Sometimes I'm still not sure why. And sometimes we still_don't agree. Be thankful _he didn't go with you today, by the way.'

I shuddered at the very thought of today playing out with Dad instead of Mum. Because I never would have gotten a shred of understanding from Dad about any of it, that much I felt sure of. And Dad would never have wanted to see his teenage son in his pants anyway. He was odd enough about how I'd taken up swimming. I pushed the thoughts aside, thinking about Colton again, then got what Dad would think about that, then I didn't care.

'Maybe this person of yours does have a side of them you might like if you get to know them.'

'Yeah,' I said. 'I almost doubt it. But maybe.' Strange, I was scratching my head like Colton always did. 'Thanks, Mum.'

'For what?'

'Everything.'

* * *

Present

Colton had made me a margarita, and I'd touched virtually none of it, until reaching the end of my story. Now I took a long, slow gulp on it and looked at Colton, who hadn't spoken for at least an hour.

'That's an awesome story, Todd-coon!' He said, after taking a deep breath but not adjusting his pants like I was expecting. It's like he'd got so lost in it that even his hypersexuality hadn't kicked in, although I knew better. His pants were probably wet and every muscle on the inside of him twitching, but out of respect he was trying to contain it, and actually managing. 'Man, how are we such opposites? Even before the accident just the smell of the waiting room was enough to make my nuts shrink.'

He moved from opposite and sat next to me on Akio's couch, wrapping his arm around me and placing a hand over my heart. 'What an awesome thing to get turned on by. I know I only really get off on how you_get off on it, but...I really _was your special person. Right from the first time. You said "Put your ear on my chest so you can hear my heartbeat." Remember?'

I remembered. So did my manhood.

'And you said I wouldn't wanna do it, like it was gonna be something totally naughty. Remember that too? And it all stirred up the memories of that story when I did do it. And how many others like it?'

'I dunno. Kinda lost count.'

'I'm glad you made me work for that story,' Colton said. 'Something like that should never be free. You were right. That is a really personal thing. And I was wrong. It wasn't your mum. Okay, so she was there and maybe that somehow made it kind hot too even if you don't know it, but it was just you. That big, unexplainable part of you. And the thing you like is always right there, on tap when you need it.' He tickled my ribs.

'I remember Mum reading me this poem once when I was really young,' I said. ' "I'm rich I'm rich I've just been told that I have got a heart of gold! I might sell it, but I doubt it, don't think I could live without it."'

'Cute,' Colton said. 'Not so sure I could either,' Colton said, and gave me a toothy grin and a low, pleasurable growl. 'And I'm a fox. My ears are a thousand times better than a cute otter with a stethoscope, right? She is kinda hot, Comfrey. Except I still get nervous. And the last thing I ever feel like doing is getting horny like you did. It's like I'm half scared of it. You get so much done to you by doctors and it's like...'

Colton wasn't sure where he was going for a moment, but I knew where he'd end up. 'Thanks for making me go see her,' he said. 'About my shitty moods and my temper and how it brought on the blank days and...everything else. I've been feeling so much better ever since you got me to do that. And you know what? All through that first time when I talked to her and she took my blood pressure, I saw how chilled out you were. And how you were twitching a bit. Like you hoped she'd give me a physical. But I know that's not why you got me to go.'

'Wasn't it?' I smiled, and put my head on his shoulder.

'Next time I've gotta get one, maybe you should come. Say you're my support. Because I really do get nervous. Think you could keep control of yourself during that?'

'Hell no,' I said. 'You need that kinda support, take your mum.'

He laughed, and so did I.

'I gotta know though,' Colton said. 'If it's not breaking your boundaries whatever Akio called it that night, what was it like later when you got home and jerked off?'

'I dunno. I didn't do it.'

'You didn't what? You wasted a chance like_that?_'

'Gotcha. Course I didn't. I'd never come like that in my life. I don't even know if I've beaten it since. Apart from maybe our first time when you were lying with your head on my chest. But that night though...I kept thinking about Comfrey telling Mum there was nothing wrong with my heart, and how it looked like she was going to wink at me, and the sound of my breathing while she listened on my back...man, I kept my pants on because I knew I'd hit the ceiling.' I put my hand down Colton's, and felt him getting warmed up to do the same. 'Wanna know something funny though?'

'What?'

'I forgot to put the chair under the door handle. Rocco came in and caught me.'

'No way! You? Caught wanking by your big bro? I don't believe you. You're far too cautious.' A moment later, he clearly _did_believe me. 'What happened?'

'He was just all excited because he'd been online and found out there was a new Metallica album about to get released. He forgot to knock. I tell you, he never forgot again. I only just covered up in time with my duvet. I yelled 'Rocco! Fuck,_dude!' and he shot out of there _so fast, and then he tried to say sorry a hundred times through the door, and I knew that only meant everyone else knew what had just happened.'

'And your little Aspie brother had to ask all about it, right?'

'Worse. Dad did. We were both cool by then and laughed it off and said Rocco just forgot to knock and saw me about to put my PJs on. And Dad made a joke about how Rocco knew how small my dick was now then.'

'The irony being that your bro was probably jealous of how impressive your package is for a raccoon your size.'

'Total bingo right there. He told me one night a couple of years later when he was a little bit drunk and started "Remember that time I didn't knock?" I know a million guys who'd just die if their brother told them they had dick-envy and it was actually because they'd seen it. But you know what, I actually felt for him.'

'So what did your Mum say that morning? Another "Not at the breakfast table?"'

'Mum gave me this look. She knew the reason_I'd been jerking it._ Course she did. And she rolled her eyes and said 'Boys' and I just nearly died. And Rocco was so freaked out about it he bought me that new album just to say sorry. And then he couldn't resist it. He said "Bro, that must have been some physical." I think he was just guessing but I knew I'd given it up without trying, just the look on my face. And I went all serious and told him if he ever told anyone, he was deader than the deadest fucking thing on the deadest fucking planet in the universe. Know what he said? "Chill, bro. Comfrey is pretty cute." And he winked at me and mimed shooting a pistol with his index finger.'

'No shit,' Colton said. 'You think he gets the same thing?'

'Rocco? Hell no, he's not that complicated. If he got a boner in his physical then he just liked being almost naked in front of someone good looking. And he almost always dates otters.'

'So,' Colton said. 'What are we going to do about this? Coz I've got an itch I need to scratch. Here's an idea, how about you get down to your fur and let the fox hear your engine run?'

'Right here? In Akio's front room?'

'Why not? The wolf's not here, remember?'

'I'm thirsty,' I said. 'You wanna make my engine run? Go get me some fuel.'

'You got it.' Colton got up, went towards the kitchen, the stopped.

'What?' I said.

'You didn't hear that?'

'Hear what?'

'I could have sworn I heard a door shut out there.'

I sat up. Colton ran into the kitchen, then outside, looking all around him, then just stopped and listened. 'Nah. Shit, sorry Todd-coon.'

'You idiot,' I said, sighing with relief. 'You did that on purpose did you? You jackass! Making me think he'd been out here the whole time.' I looked around myself, feeling like something about the kitchen looked different, and then deciding it had to be the power of my own paranoia. 'Get back inside, show me what those ears are really good for.'