FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Todd's dreams were vague and short - he saw Arvetis arguing with a tall, shadowy figure. They were in Arvetis's and Geraden's quarters in the old warren, so the shadow must have been Geraden. He could tell only that the discussion was heated; he couldn't hear any words. When he woke up, his head hurt and his body ached. His diaper felt hot and itchy.

He sat up on the cushion and rubbed his temples. The gathering hall swam around him, and his stomach lurched. Definitely hung over. "Oh Jesus, that's not fair," he groaned. A shadow fell across his closed eyes, and he opened them, looking up at the robed figure of Geraden standing over him.

"Rough morning?" The Rabbit asked, holding down large glass of water and two little white pills - ibuprofen.

Todd curled his tail against his thigh and took the glass and pills. "Thanks... sorry," he mumbled, unable to meet Geraden's gaze.

"You've already apologized to Raakhi, from whom you stole. Apologies are done; it's time to back them up with actions." The Rabbit's voice showed none of the anxiety that Todd knew was wracking him about his missing granddaughter.

Todd nodded and downed the pills with the water. He swallowed the whole glass in one go, then panted. "I know. I get it, I promise. I hadn't realized how much work I still had to do, but I'm starting to understand."

Geraden frowned. His look didn't have disdain in it like Raakhi's had, but it did have judgment, and Todd remembered that he would ultimately need the Rabbit's approval if he and Lisa wanted to be married at the warren. Besides, he wasn't even sure could win Lisa's trust back if he couldn't convince Geraden as well. "When you're feeling sentient again, please talk to Adam as soon as possible. He wants to discuss your admittance into the Order, in light of last night's events."

Todd just stared ahead, not focusing on anything in particular. "Yeah, okay." Geraden took the empty glass and walked away. Once he was gone, Todd lowered his head into his paws.

"Fuck."

He sat on his cushion for as long as it took for his headache to recede a little bit. Part of him wanted to put off this meeting with Adam for as long as possible, but he knew it wouldn't do him any good. If this was yet another opportunity lost to him because of his own stupidity, it was better to find out quickly. He stood up, wobbly on his feet for just a moment, then crinkled toward where he'd seen Adam and Brutus sleeping the night before.

Brutus was nowhere to be seen, but Adam was reading something on his cell phone. He looked up as Todd approached and slid over on the little sofa. "Have a seat."

Todd remained standing, though, his nose down, and rubbed his arm with his paw. "Look, this doesn't have to be a big talk. I get it if you don't want me anymore. You can rescind the offer; I'm not marked or anything yet, and I won't be angry or offended. It was my fuck-up."

Adam raised an eyebrow. "I said have a seat, Todd. I'm not rescinding anything, and if I was, I wouldn't need your permission." Todd fidgeted for a moment, wincing at Adam's hard tone, then finally complied, sitting next to him. He was shorter than the large Pine Marten when they were both seated, and he felt even more like a child getting a reprimand.

"You can still join," Adam said. "Frankly, we're used to this kind of thing. A lot of our members come from dark places before their service to the Order."

Todd cocked his head and looked up at the Marten's face. "But Geraden said you wanted to discuss my admittance?"

Adam smirked a little. "If that's how he phrased it, I think he was intentionally putting the fear of God into you for a minute. I wanted to discuss moving the schedule forward."

That took Todd by surprise. "What? Like, join before the end of the month? When?"

"It depends on you and Lisa. As early as today, if both of you are all right with it. Geraden won't allow it if both of you aren't on board."

Todd swallowed, feeling his already-unstable gorge rising in his throat. "Today? Why?"

"Well, we have resources that you could use. Some of them are Order-only, and some of them are referrals to outside help, but you'd have to be a member first, either way."

Todd groaned. "Resources? What, like twelve-step programs?"

Adam shrugged. "Not twelve-step programs exactly," he said, ignoring Todd's sardonic tone. "But things similar to that, yes. Our approach is focused on coping strategies and behavioral therapy. And it works. Todd, most of our members are either former Pred supremacists or people who have been dealing with feelings of guilt for a long time. You are not our first alcoholic initiate."

Todd winced at the A-word, but didn't dispute it this time. He leaned forward and put his face in his paws. He didn't cry, though, even when Adam put his paw on his back and smoothed down his ruffled fur.

"I just thought I was going to be useful," Todd said into his paws.

"What?"

"I thought I was going to be some help to you guys... or to Prey, or something. But one bad night happens, and now I'm just another charity case."

Adam shook his head firmly. "That's not true at all. Last night isn't the only reason we want to speed things up. It's also because the police haven't been able to find anything about Elyssa."

"You think I can help with that?" Todd looked up from his paws, across the hall, to where Geraden was sitting alone. He looked haggard; he obviously hadn't been sleeping much, and there were thin spots in his coat, especially on his arms, where Todd suspected he had been pulling out the fur.

"We don't know for sure, and I can't really tell you anything until you're initiated. We have reason to be worried, though, and we think we can help you direct your dreams. That could be a big help in finding her." He fixed his eyes on Todd's. "You're among friends, and you have a problem. We would help you with that regardless. But you will be helping us, too."

Todd swallowed, then nodded. "Yeah. Okay. I mean, if Lisa's all right with it, I'll do it. I said I'd do what I had to, and I meant it."

Adam smiled and put his paw around Todd's shoulders, pulling him close to his side. Todd felt his fur prickle a little at the sudden intimacy, but his nose told him that Adam had no salacious intent. He sighed and let his shoulders relax, his head falling to the side and resting gently on the larger Mustelid's chest. The closeness felt good after the long, lonely night.

Todd just sat like that for a few minutes, taking in the warmth and acceptance. His eyes just happened to be open when Lisa walked in, or she probably would have made it all the way to the couch before he noticed. He took in a breath and immediately tensed, sitting up. Adam blinked and looked down at him, then noticed the Mouse walking across the gathering hall. "Chin up," he whispered.

Todd stood up as Lisa padded over, their eyes meeting. He could tell that she had slept as little as he had the previous night; the fur around her eyes was mussed. She was wearing her footed pajamas. "Hey, do Brutus and I need to worry about you two?" she asked as she approached. There was a mischievous glint in her eyes as she said it, but Todd's expression must have shown a pang of anxiety. "Sorry," she said. "I shouldn't joke like that, not after last night."

She padded up to Todd and hugged him. Todd took a moment to react, but when he did, he put his arms around her and held her close. "You don't have to apologize to me for anything," he said.

"Did Raakhi talk to you?" Lisa asked. He could smell the nervous energy on her. She was probably worried about how he would react to her ultimatum, especially if she thought he had been drunk at the time.

"Yeah. I understand," he said.

"Okay. I'm s--" she stopped herself. "It has to be like that, for now. I'm not leaving. I need a little bit of distance, but I'm not going to walk away from you again, either. If you screw up, I'm still here for you, and if you do good, I'll cheer for you. But if you're still screwing up at the end of the month..." she sighed and looked down at her feet. "If I put that wedding ring back on, it has to stay on. Hurt too much to take it off."

Todd just nodded, not trusting himself to say anything without his voice breaking. She looked into his eyes and smiled, then patted his hip, making him crinkle. "Hey. I'm here for you." She looked around the gathering hall. "Where's Arvy? I wanted to tell him something."

"He's back in the basement," Adam said, standing up. "He went down this morning."

Lisa frowned. "Oh... I had been hoping, especially after last night, that maybe he'd stay up here." Her ears folded down, and Todd could tell that this news bothered her more than she was letting on.

"I think we all were," Adam said. "But it's his decision."

"I'll go visit him in a bit," Lisa said.

"Actually..." Adam rubbed the back of his neck. "For now, he's requested Order members only down there. I'm sorry, Lisa."

Lisa looked hurt - not as much as she had last night, but close. "I can't?" she squeaked. The sound made Todd wrap his arm around her immediately.

Adam sighed and shook his head. "Not for now, dear. But I'm sure it won't be for long. They're trying to figure out where Elyssa is, and he needs to concentrate."

Lisa nodded. "I guess that makes sense..." but she sniffled and leaned into Todd, wiping her eyes.

"Speaking of the Order," Todd said softly, "Adam has asked if I might join up early. They think they can help me with my... alcohol." He folded his ears. "Alcoholism."

Lisa looked from Todd to Adam. "Is that true? You can help?"

Adam nodded. "Yes, but only if he joins, and only if you're all right with it. This wasn't the plan, I know - we were going to wait for you two. But given the way things have shaken out..."

Lisa nodded. "Yes! Do it! As soon as you can!"

***

"As soon as you can" turned out to be later that evening, before dinner. Todd spent most of the day shaky and distant, sticking to Lisa's side and helping her with warren cleanup. They were outside in the rubble yard, clearing a pathway to the entrance, when Adam waved them inside. "Get cleaned up," he said to Todd, "and meet us in the Chapel. There's a shower down the hall. Don't bother getting dressed or diapered."

Todd blushed, looking nervously at Lisa. "Can she come?" he asked. Adam frowned and shook his head. "Not for the initiation, no. She'll be there afterward, though." Lisa smiled and squeezed his paw.

"You'll do great, hon."

One nervous shower later, and Todd was standing in front of the Chapel door, naked and freshly dried, his clean fur a little poofy from the towel. He took in a deep breath and opened the door, stepping in. The first thing he noticed was that the little wooden altar was gone; the only furniture was one pew, set up with its back facing the multicolor wall. A small crowd was standing in front of the pew. Geraden was the only Prey sentient present - the rest were Order members, including Adam and, Todd was gladdened to see, Arvetis. Everyone was nude except for Geraden and Arvetis, who were both diapered. Todd suspected that had more to do with necessity than ritual.

"You moved the altar," he said as he padded over to the group.

"You said you were Atheist," Arvetis replied. "We wanted to respect that."

"You didn't have to do that." Todd felt his ears flush. "I'm not offended by it."

"It's only in the next room. It'll still be there when Brutus and I need it again. Come on, have a seat." Arvetis sat down on the long pew, as did Adam and a few of the other Order members. Todd sat in the middle, feeling a little awkward but also reassured by the relatively casual atmosphere.

"What is it that you think we're about, Todd?" Adam asked. "I know we talked a little bit about that yesterday, but I wanted to get some more specific thoughts from you."

Todd blushed and bit his lip. This felt like a job interview. Except naked. "Um... I don't know, I guess fairness? Equality between Predator and Prey, right?"

Adam held up a paw in a "so-so" gesture. "That's part of it. Equality and fairness are noble goals, and they're often the result of our work, but they aren't what the Order truly strives for. We strive for restitution and restoration."

Todd flicked an ear. "I'm not sure I understand the distinction you're making."

"A lot of people think that, because the species wars are in the past, so are their consequences and causes. We know that isn't true. The instincts that drove Predators to what they did are still present. The families robbed and torn apart were never restored. They never could be. So we dedicate ourselves to doing what we can to counter those forces. And we couldn't do that if we spent all of our time considering whether what we do is fair. What's important is that what we do is restorative."

Todd nodded. "I think I understand... or at least, I think I could understand. Once I see it in action."

"You won't just be seeing it," Adam said. "You'll be doing it. And you need to understand that before you're marked." Todd realized that the crowd had grown larger. Standing around Geraden were the three Tigers who had been present at his Touchstone trial - Akita, Tsugaru, and Iwate - all wearing long white robes. He hadn't seen them come in. The atmosphere suddenly felt a lot less casual.

"You will dedicate yourself to the welfare of the Prey species," Adam said, his voice becoming more grave. "You will participate in service to them, lift up the lowest, and protect the weakest."

"Y- yes, I will," Todd squeaked, because it seemed like Adam was waiting for a response.

"Your dedication will be personal, as well. If you are in serious dispute with a member of a Prey species, you will submit to Order-approved mediation. If mediation fails, you will in all cases defer to the Prey."

Todd blinked. "In all cases?" His eyes flicked to the door, where Lisa was waiting for him in the corridor.

"Yes. This will affect your relationship; you are engaged to a Mouse. Where necessary, if the disagreement is serious, you will defer to her. Your instincts, whether you have been conscious of them or not, have so far been the opposite. Overcoming that will take constant attention and self-appraisal."

"But... what if..." he stammered. He'd been about to say, what if she abuses that? But it sounded ridiculous in his head even as he thought it.

"You don't have to tell her that this is the arrangement if you don't want to," Adam continued. "You just have to do it."

Todd sighed and lowered his head, wrinkling his brow in concentration. "I know..." he began, then stopped, composing his thoughts. He wanted to make sure he was speaking his mind truthfully. "I know that I have a lot to make up to her. I mean, a lot, especially recently. But... I just don't know if that means I have to be subservient to her forever, you know? What if I'm really right about something, and she's really wrong?"

Adam looked into Todd's eyes. "This isn't about what you and she will have for dinner, or what movie you'll go see. It only applies to real conflict, and only if mediation and compromise fail. Right and wrong are noble goals, but they are not what we strive for." Adam paused. "And you are not an impartial judge of those concepts. You're right that you have a lot to make up for, but you're wrong that it's only recently. Brutus says that he saw an argument between you and her during your trial for the Touchstone."

"That was wrong!" Todd interjected. "It was... distorted. I didn't say those things." Not exactly, he thought.

"It was part of a trial. The Touchstone wasn't showing what happened, it was showing what was in your heart. It's not uncommon, though, Todd - nobody is calling you a monster. This is just how Predators think without noticing, if we're not paying attention. Cruelty is, to some extent, the water that we swim in. All that we're asking you to do is to notice the water and swim against the tide."

Todd swallowed, looking forward at the back of the chapel. He was silent for a long time, but he didn't feel rushed. The others were giving him time to process everything he had just heard.

"Do you defer to Brutus?" he asked eventually.

"Absolutely."

"Does he know you have to?"

Adam's face gave a hint of a lopsided grin. "Absolutely not."

Todd nodded, looking down at his paws. "Okay. I agree, I'll do it."

Geraden stepped forward, the three Tigers at his side. "You are taking a solemn vow," the older male Tiger said - Lord Iwate, Todd remembered. "We are tolerant of missteps and mistakes. But if you break your vows flagrantly, or if you betray our secrets, there will be serious consequences."

Todd swallowed and folded his ears back. "Yes, sir."

Geraden moved over and sat down next to Todd. He patted his diapered lap. "Come here. I'm going to mark you now."

Todd blinked. "You? But you're Prey..." He complied, though, scooting over and moving himself into the Rabbit's lap.

"Yes, I am. I suppose that's the first secret every initiate learns. The leader of the Order was never Philosparganon or any of the other figureheads we've had. It's always been the Chief Rabbit of Warkyn Warren." Geraden continued talking as he took something from one of the other Order members and palmed it - something small and metal. "They all did good work, mind you, and Philosparganon did create the Order. He never had much of a head for strategy, though." Todd flicked his eyes to Arvetis and thought he saw a slight blush across the Wolf's marks. "The first leader of the Order was Geraden Warkyn. Then Rooliti Zenthray, and now me."

Rooliti? Todd thought. It made sense, though - someone had to be Chief Rabbit while Geraden was a child. He tried not to think about the metal object he'd glimpsed in Geraden's paw, and leaned back as the Rabbit put a firm, warm arm around him. "Do I have to recite anything?" Todd asked, struggling to keep the shake out of his voice.

"You've already agreed to the vows. Your earnest word in conversation is what counts, not recited responses. This will hurt; remember to breathe. Are you ready?"

Todd closed his eyes tight. "Yes..." Geraden's paw covered his forehead and pressed his head back against the Rabbit's shoulder. His other paw came up to Todd's left cheek. There was a sharp pain just to the left of the bridge of his muzzle, under his eye. He felt warmth flow down his face and drip onto his chest, and realized with a queasy lurch why they had told him not to wear clothing. He tried to stay silent, but couldn't help letting out a low, gaspy groan as Geraden began to drag the cutting implement to the left along Todd's cheekbone. It was designed to gouge, not slice, and it hurt more than anything Todd had ever experienced.

Ten agonizing seconds later, Geraden took his paw down. "Halfway done," he said softly. Todd's body was shivering now, but Geraden's sure paws held his head still. A new, sharp pain began on the right side, and the left was already beginning to sink into dull, sore agony. Blood and tears ran freely down Todd's face. He wasn't crying, but pain forced the tears out. He ground his teeth to stop from screaming.

"There. Done."

Todd's vision began to swim. He felt like he was falling backwards and spinning. Geraden caught him as he leaned over to the side, holding him steadily, then slowly laid him back on the pew. The last thing Todd remembered before the blackness took him was Adam wrapping his shivering, blood-stained body in a warm towel.