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Prologue - Two years ago

I wanted someone to set me on fire.

Not literally though. The night I dreamed someone doused me in gasoline and lit my fur up, turning me into a screaming raccoon-shaped firebomb, I discovered what my worst fear really was. I woke up thinking I'd pissed myself, my heart hammering, and my throat and chest so tight it was like I'd had undiagnosed asthma for years and now it was finally announcing itself. I could smell burning, and thought it was me even though I was soaked.

I ran to the bathroom, certain I was going to collapse and everything would just stop. I leant on the edge of the sink, panting and splashing my face with water for a good ten minutes, trying not to be sick.

My older brother Alfie came in and asked if I was alright.

I was, by that stage. I couldn't smell burning fur now, and my breathing was normal, and I wasn't leaving this world as a fireball. I was Todd, a jock raccoon who played basketball and swam and could run a sub-17 5K. My life was pretty good. So where the fuck had a dream like that come from? I told Alfie about it, as if needing a final stage of convincing myself it hadn't been real.

'That's edgy, bro,' Alfie said, with a slightly disturbing smile. 'What movie did you watch lately? Oh, I get it. It's one of your weird metaphors or whatever they call it. There a girl in your life you're literally getting burned by?'

'I think it's a song,' I said, thinking of 'She sets me on Fire' by Type O-Negative. I sang him its punchline.

'Oh yeah,' he said. 'See? I told you, that metal stuff's gonna do weird things to your head. Although if that's what's in it lately then I'd hate to imagine if you dropped acid and listened to my records.'

Coming down from a serious nightmare had its own strange kind of euphoria. I took my sweat soaked pyjamas, changed the bedcovers, and decided just to sleep naked. I didn't want to sleep though. I wanted to enjoy how I'd woken up to the massive relief that I was still alive and not burning. It was a nasty way to get it, but the feeling inside me was an awfully good high.

I thought about what Alfie had said. There was no girl in my life. I was sixteen years old and there had never been a girl in my life. There was nothing wrong with me though. That's why my best friend Devin always said. Not every jock actually cared about trying to get laid all the time.

He did though, always trying to encourage me in the locker room talk as well, but in private he confessed he thought nothing less of me for not really caring about any of it. College would probably sort all that out if high school didn't. Sooner or later, something inside me would just happen.

Someone would set me on fire. That's how I thought of it.

Everyone else had already had that moment where they realised they were programmed to seek out love, and sex. Someone they saw or talked to, without knowing they'd done it, just reached inside them and lit kindling under their heart. I always thought it was lust rather than true love, and knew I hadn't really experienced either. Nobody seemed to want to light me inside. I couldn't necessarily blame them. I could just about settle for being vaguely interesting. If it weren't for how I was a raccoon who could do sports, I'd be totally boring.

Why didn't I care about getting laid? I knew I had turn-ons. One of them was totally weird, and I'd never want to tell anyone, even if it might make getting laid amazing when the time came. If I ever had to tell the story of how I knew about it, I'd just die. I'd tell the wrong person, it would get out, and then I'd never want to go outside my own front door again. Best just keep it a secret. Just like the other buried feelings I was thinking about, after my nightmare.

I wasn't sure I really liked girls. I wondered if maybe I didn't like anyone. Some people were just indifferent. Some of them called it being asexual. That would be better than being gay, that was for sure. Every time I was around Devin lately, I worried about what I felt like. I'd never even thought female hyenas were attractive, so why had I started looking forward to him taking his shirt off after sports lately and showing me his muscular back and shoulders?

He had a cute face too, one a lot of the girls liked because it looked so innocent one minute and then so toothy and devilish when he put on the moves. And I liked it. No way in hell was I telling him that though. It was always going to be look but don't touch, and try not to even look, because everyone would notice. There was guys being around each other naked after sports, and guys who couldn't hide that it stirred feelings up. I never wanted to become the latter. I just wanted to enjoy sports without the hassle of knowing everyone would talk about me behind me back if something like that got out.

Devin liked girls anyway, and was never single. Devin had also recently told me that the most horrible experience of his life had been getting his sports physical from a male doctor who was a wolf, and having to drop his pants. The guy spent ages examining his package, and looked like he was kind of enjoying it. I told him he probably wasn't; doctors being deviants and perverts was just another idea jocks had invented during locker room talk. And why was he talking to me about this?

'Because you've been my best friend since we were five and you won't make fun, maybe?' he said, looking like he was disappointed in me for not taking him seriously.

'I'm sorry,' I said. 'But really, what does it matter some guy touched your balls? It was just his job, right? I doubt he enjoyed it. If he smiled it was probably to try and make you less nervous. And let's face it, if he liked balls he could probably do better than the two raisins you've got down there.'

He flipped me the bird, and cupped his pants with his right hand. 'You can ask any girl you like, Aldrington.' He didn't talk for about a minute. That was how long it took me to realise what I was feeling wasn't embarrassment at him telling me about it, but disappointment. Because instead of imagining him naked and embarrassed, I was imagining him naked and enjoying it. Because I was looking at his balls. This whole conversation was like a final confirmation that I was never going to get anywhere close to doing anything like that with him. How long had I hoped he might be secretly curious about where else our friendship might go? There was no faking this: Devin would _never_want to go there.

'I'm sorry I told you that,' he said, and it was like he knew everything I was thinking. 'Bad visual, right?'

'We've all gotta get a physical, bud, else we can't play for the team,' I said, desperate to stop thinking about it.

I was thinking about it now though, my hard cock in my hand, the fresh sheets and duvet cover sliding against my fur as I shifted to sitting up against my pillow, and I knew I was kidding no-one. I was going to jerk off thinking about my best friend naked at the doctor's office, then naked in the shower after ball practice washing beads of sweat off himself, then naked and lying on this bed next to me in my dreams, and just get it out of my system. It was about damn time I just sorted this out. I'd never been so hard. I didn't even care if anyone else in our eight-kid household was awake to hear my heavy breathing, because at least they wouldn't know what I was thinking about. When I came I only just caught the splurge in time to keep the new sheets clean. I lay back, the second great relief of the night flooding me.

Everyone talked about how nothing was ever quite like their first time. This was better. So who was I kidding about what I liked? Who had I ever been kidding?

Shit, had Devin lit me on fire? Was I going to spend the rest of high school trying not to pretend I didn't lust after my best friend? Until one day maybe I told him, and it ruined everything, every memory we ever had of each other?

Maybe this was nothing. Maybe it was everything.

Or maybe it was something in between. Because at least thinking about Devin had deflected that other thought I'd been having lately: was it possible to desire someone you didn't like at all?

It didn't matter, I told myself. Because I did not, ever, want to desire Colton Vincent, the fox who got away with constantly behaving like a jerk for reasons nobody seemed to know. I was only thinking about him because I was still thinking about Devin, and how his protection of me had gone too far a couple of weeks ago.

Colton_was_ a good looking fox. I didn't mind admitting that, because lots of guys who could never be gay had apparently said it, as if it wasn't really their own opinion but just an observation, a 'No wonder the guy's a chick magnet, I mean look at him, what chick wouldn't?' kind of comment. Colton was sleek but not wiry, a fox with meat on his bones, and he was fast. He'd be a great point guard at basketball if he ever bothered trying, and if he had fitness as well as speed. Colton didn't seem to care about sports apart from skating, and he smoked, and he'd never attend practice regularly because he never attended school regularly either, yet his grades always put him at the top. He boasted 'It's just because I've got a fox's brains,' like his species was the greatest thing that ever evolved for any purpose.

I was never going to think about him while I jerked off. I'd rather tell Devin all my secrets than do that. Because Colton Vincent was an asshole who nobody would ever want to fantasise about, let alone be with, unless their fantasy was him ruining their life. Sooner or later, Colton was going to wind up in Juvi or in prison or dead. Or maybe a combination of all of it.

I let myself admit it, I kind of felt sorry for him, like I knew somehow he couldn't help his behaviour. There was something underneath him that drove it. There was always something like that underneath everybody. Maybe all he needed was the kind of friend I had in Devin.

There was the other thing about Colton - he hung out with mostly older guys who'd already graduated or were close, and his friends had caused real trouble a few weeks ago.

The only class I had with Colton was sports. It was probably good that he didn't seem to know I existed, and that I didn't see him much, because sports was the only time I had to hide how I'd been looking at him the way I sometimes looked at Devin. Even when we got put on the same team, he'd only acknowledge I was there for as long as it took to get the ball, or get me out, or otherwise do something to show he thought he was better than me.

The basketball class where it all started, we'd been on different teams, and he'd been in one of his belligerent moods all through the game. Everyone had put up with his shoving and insults and dirty tactics, until the coach gave him a final warning on the sidelines. Which he answered by grabbing my tail and pulling me around to stop me making a shot. Responding to the pain, I'd lurched backwards and tripped over my own feet, landing with my chest smacking into the flood.

I'd never had anyone pull my tail before, even as a joke. It sent pain all up my back, and when I got up my tailbone stung so much that it felt like Colton had ripped it right off me, and I'd turn to and see a bloody stump near my ass and him holding my stripy rings and smirking.

Colton was already leaving the court though, while Axl and Jake helped me up. The coach had blown his whistle and demanded he came back but Colton was taking no notice. Half the guys there were laughing in disbelief, half of them were standing up for me but not following Colton. Devin was though.

'Hey! You can't fucking do that!' He stalked right up to Colton. 'You're not walking away, Vincent. We're sick of your shit. You wanna pull someone's tail? Try mine, I fucking dare you.'

'Yeah? And you're gonna do what?'

Devin shoved him. Colton shoved back, going from belligerent to aggressive like a car would do nought to sixty when someone floored it.

I'd seen this before, because Colton could fight. He'd once got ganged by three other guys in the hallway by the lockers, and sent two of them packing. The third, he'd put in a locker door and slammed his head in it three times.

'Break it up!' Coach D shouted. 'Vincent, get out of here and get changed. Wait outside the principle's office, fifteen minutes.'

'Oh I'm getting banned from sports now? Do me a favour then.' Colton looked at Devin and smirked. 'Nice job protecting your boyfriend, Calsagi.'

That did it. Devin socked him full on in the nose. Everyone heard it crack. Some of the class gasped. About half of it laughed. The rest all started gunning for a fight. Colton staggered back and then stood there, blood streaming through his fingers as he clasped his left hand to his nose.

'Jesus Christ, Calsagi!' Coach D shouted. 'Get a grip on yourself before I kick you off my team for good! That how you're gonna behave when we're out against another school? Vincent, get yourself to the nurse's office. The rest of you get changed, I'm not having this on my court. Class is over.'

Colton didn't care what the coach was having though. Out of nowhere, he came at Devin. I'd seen him move fast before, but never as fast as this. A full on snarl was on his blood-soaked face as he lunged, revisiting the same on Devin, dusting him in the face and just missing his nose. He fired more punches in one of them landed, square on Devin's jaw. Devin went down. Colton booted his right leg, driving his heel into the soft tissue above his knee. Devin screeched. Colton dived on top of him, his snarling mouth open, and bit down on Devin's jaw and face. He held him down, both knees on his stomach and Devin roaring, pleading for him to let go.

It took two of the bears and Coach D to pull him off, one of the bears prizing his mouth apart to release Devin's jaw, where he'd bitten down hard close to his throat and refused to let go.

Coach D wasn't scared of fighting students. He hauled Colton out along with the two bears. The rest of us were left with Devin, bleeding all down his throat. For a horrible moment I thought Colton had caught his carotid. He hadn't, but he couldn't have been far off. I spent the next half an hour trying to cool him off and clean him up all at once, with him telling me how he was going to kill Colton. He went through just about every method of doing it he could think of.

A week of misery followed. Devin got followed home by a bunch of Colton's older friends two nights in a row. On the third, they crowded round him in the street and told him he was going to apologise for hitting Colton. He got scared and told me he was going to do it. The next day, at the last minute, he decided he was going to refuse. He ended up running home that day after practice with Colton's friends chasing him.

Devin wouldn't call the police, so I had to. Surprisingly enough, nothing happened after that. Colton's friends didn't show up on the Friday. I'd spent all day waiting for them too, worrying, and all for nothing.

Colton wasn't in school that whole week. The day he came back, I got called into the principal's office and he was sitting there with her.

'I'm sorry I pulled your tail and threw you on the floor,' he said. 'And I'm sorry I called you Calsagi's boyfriend.' The way he looked at me said he meant none of it, and that it was like he knew I'd been secretly thinking about Devin and trying not to look at him in the shower room. But I felt like I saw something else. Colton didn't look sorry, but he looked a little sad. Probably for himself.

'What's the deal with you?' I said.

'Don't ask stupid questions, Aldrington. I said I was sorry, didn't I? You going to accept or not?'

'I'm not the one who you nearly killed with a throat bite,' I said. 'It's not me you've got to say sorry to. What if you'd caused him serious bleeding or something?'

'I didn't nearly kill him, trash panda. Stop being dramatic.'

'Colton,' Principal Collins warned him. 'This isn't much of an apology so far. This is your final warning, and you know you're one step away from being expelled after that episode. I suggest you start behaving like it before I change my mind about allowing you back in here.'

'Alright!' Colton snapped, and for a moment I thought the whole episode was going to repeat again, but instead Colton sat there looking like he was fighting himself this time, and it was all coming from inside. His eyes blazed, his fur was bristled and when he looked up from the floor, I knew whatever he said next was going to be fake. But he still looked sad.

'I've got major issues, Aldrington,' he said. 'And you wouldn't get them if I explained. You wouldn't even get close. But I still shouldn't have done what I did to you. Or your friend. I'm going to say sorry to him too. And you heard the boss here,' he sneered slightly, flicking his eyes to principle Collins. 'I'm on my last warning. So I can't exactly touch you again if I wanna graduate from this place. Which for some stupid reason I kinda do. So just don't ask me what my deal is. Stay out of my business and I'll stay out of yours. And I'm not taking sports classes any more so I guess it'll be easy.'

It was probably as good as I was going to get.

'Thank you for saying sorry,' I said. 'Is your nose okay?'

Colton smiled slightly, and stroked his muzzle. 'Your friend's lucky. The break set perfectly. Only had to keep that plastic thing on it for a week. I'll give him this much, he knows how to hit a guy. And...you're actually a good point guard, Aldrington. I did that to you because I was having a shit day and I got jealous at you. You stole every ball I got. I didn't score shit because of you. But I can't do sports anymore. I'm too much of a sore loser. I can't be a sportsman about it like you are.'

It was almost like he wanted to try though. I knew what I was about to say was a bad idea, and probably destined to end in another fight, and I couldn't have told anyone why I said it, but it was out of my mouth before I could stop myself. 'Why don't we shoot hoops together? Just you and me.'

Colton looked at me as though he could burst into a sneering, sarcastic kind of laughter, but then he looked away, then looked at the principal, who simply he held up her palms and said 'Wouldn't be a bad start, Vincent, would it?'

'I don't really like basketball anyway,' Colton said. 'Would you try skating if I offered to teach you?'

'No,' I said. 'Not my thing at all.'

'There you go then,' he said. 'We're different, Aldrington. I'm sorry I did what I did, but we're not going to be friends. Besides, you're a blue raccoon. Me get seen in public with you?' He sniggered, and despite the insult, I felt relieved to see him smile. I almost believed he didn't mean it, and that the next thing he said was going to be 'Yeah, what the hell, let's shoot hoops.' He didn't say that though.

'Colton,' principal Collins said. 'What have I told you before? That sort of comment isn't funny even if you mean it as a joke.

'Oh chill out, will you?' Colton said. 'I said sorry and gave him a compliment, didn't I? Alright, did I hurt your feelings, Aldrington? Nah, I thought not.' He sat back now, and looked at principal Collins now as if to say 'That all you got?' I knew she had plenty more in store for him, and surely so did he.

'Thank you, Todd,' she said. 'You can go back to class now. Send Devin Calsagi in.'

Devin didn't come back to class for the rest of the day. I was surprised when he was waiting for after the last bell. He didn't talk much as we walked home that day. I had to break the ice and ask how his mediation with Colton went. He just shook his head. 'That guy's gonna get it, one day. He'll do what he did to someone who'll just smash his face in and leave him half dead and I won't be the slightest bit sorry for him.'

Even though I felt like I understood his feelings, I didn't like hearing him talk like that. 'Dev, listen, I know it's not what you wanna hear right now, but all that stuff about forgiveness we get in church every Sunday...well, I kinda actually do believe in that. Maybe you should let it go.'

'Are you serious?'

'Yeah, I know, he could have seriously hurt you. But you did break his nose. And for what? Because he pulled me tail? This whole thing about you protecting me got out of hand. I'm glad you're there for me, but d'you think you could...maybe not go so nuts next time? It's only gonna get you in trouble too. So he called us both gay. So what?'

Devin stopped walking, looking more puzzled than resentful, but I could tell that was there too. 'What the hell's gotten into you, Todd?'

'I just...I don't know, Dev. In there with Colton, I saw something. Don't you ever wonder why people like him behave how they do? There's gotta be a story underneath him. I don't think he's really as bad as he tries to be. He called me a good point guard, and for a moment I really thought he meant it. He said he couldn't be a sportsman. It's like he wanted to be.'

'Oh come on,' Devin said. 'One little compliment and you're soft? It was fake. And what are you, a psychiatrist now? Yeah, maybe people like Vincent have got a story underneath them. But he can keep his, because that's where it should stay. And I'm sick of all that church bullshit. I'm not going anymore.'

We walked in silence for two blocks, and then Devin said 'You wanna know Vincent's story though? Here's something about him I've seen. He's always with girls who look a bit like guys. You never seen that?'

'Oh come on.'

'I'm serious. People say this about him, it's not just me. That whole thing about calling you my boyfriend? Closet. I'm telling you. Vincent's a fag. All his girlfriends are just acting as beards. And they all look like guys. Think about it. Franchesca, Lucinda, Carmella, they're all hot foxes until you see them at a certain angle, and then you get this feeling, like, oh shit maybe you're really looking at a guy.'

I didn't get that from any of those three girls. I got more of Colton's story from Devin though, who seemed to know a lot about him for a guy he hated. So he'd heard, Colton had some mental problem that meant he was either late for school or missed it completely, and that's why he got away with it. He'd moved to Phoenix a few years ago and people said it was after his parents managed to get him released from some sort of institution. That was one of the rumours that made him furious. It had been the start of the fight with the three badgers in the hallway. Colton was actually a year older than us although not many people knew it. He'd lost a year at school because of his problems, so they'd kept him back a year.

'But he's smart,' I said. 'Way smart. You've got classes with him. He doesn't just get grades, its like his brain's just leaps ahead of everyone. I've heard that. So is it true?'

'Yeah,' Devin said. 'But who cares? You know what he secretly does? Community service. He's already gotten close to Juvi twice, but just ended up with CS and I heard he keeps getting it because he actually likes it. Does his hours in some community outreach program for other kids with issues. And they actually like him.'

'Who told you all this?'

'Who do you think? Courtney.'

Courtney was Colton's twin sister, and as hot on grades as Colton was. She was a gymnast, and the most popular and sought after girl in the school. The trouble was, she was also untouchable. She didn't want to be with anyone seriously, or even get laid, she just seemed to enjoy teasing and game playing and occasionally a heart got broken. Probably for the best though, because anyone with her in her life risked inviting Colton in.

There was the thing people really respected her for: she would never talk about any dirt she had on him. What he'd done lately was always a talking point, a gossip favourite, and Courtney Vincent refused to get sucked into it.

Except, it seemed, with Devin. Who had asked her out three times before she'd said yes to shut him up, and now they were dating. Except that she'd liked him less since the fight with Colton, and Devin was expecting her to break up with him, except it hadn't happened. She was dangling him on a thread and always holding the scissors.

I told Devin I'd offered to shoot hoops with Colton. Now he looked at me as if I'd insulted his entire family just by thinking of the idea. 'Todd, why would you want to be that guy's friend?'

'I dunno, Dev. It's like I think maybe he needs one.'

'Shit, okay, I get it. You're a decent guy. I respect you for wanting to help people out all the time even when they're shitty people, but listen to me: you can be too love thy neighbour for your own good, and that's no offence to your beliefs, you're a far better Christian than I could ever be. Just do not let this being nice to people thing get you involved with Colton Vincent. That fox is the worst news this school ever got. Why do you think Courtney won't talk much about him? She's scared of whatever he's capable of. Take my advice as a friend: stay well away from him.'

I could tell he meant it as sincere advice, but I still couldn't say I was going to take it. Maybe I should have, maybe he was even right on some level, but the further we walked, the more I thought about how Colton had said 'We're different, Aldrington. We're not gonna be friends.'

By the end of our walk, I'd convinced myself of one clear thing: Colton had said that to me as if it were a challenge of some sort. As if he'd pulled my tail to start the whole thing off.

'Say I did make friends with him,' I said. 'Would you stop wanting to know me?'

'Of course I wouldn't,' Devin said. 'But seriously, T, it's not gonna happen. The fox told you, he didn't wanna play ball. In any sense of it. So maybe you should just let this go.'

Sitting on my bed now, cleaning myself off so I could face my thoughts with a little dignity, I began to think that even though I hadn't seen him in my nightmare, it was Colton Vincent who had lit me on fire. That's what he was 'capable of,' except maybe not in a literal sense. I truly didn't believe that Colton had it in him to do something like that. However fake his apology had been, I believed he'd somehow wanted to mean it, that he'd wanted to shoot hoops with me as well. Maybe it was just like Devin and Courtney: persistence paid.

But why persist with Colton? Devin was right, I was probably trying to be too sainted. Thinking that someone needed my help to sort their life out? Who the hell was I to presume someone needed that? Minding my own business might be better.

It might have been easier if Colton weren't so awesome to look at. I'd seen him by accident three evenings ago, while I was running past the skate park. I stopped before I could get close enough for him to see me easily and watched him, showing off moves, a whole bunch of younger kids watching him. The height he got on the half pipe seemed so impossible. The way he could use the board was more like what I'd seen from Courtney doing her gymnastics. He had a grace, a poise about him, and the most effortless balance I'd ever seen. Watching anyone else do those moves, I was always afraid they'd fall and get a serious injury. Watching Colton, I didn't just trust that he wouldn't, I knew. And I knew nothing about skating. I just knew he might be a future pro.

The kids around him were all laughing. He was helping one of them adjust his safety pads, straps and helmet. Was Colton Vincent actually giving a safety talk? Was that a smile on his face? A genuine one?

I should have said yes when he'd asked me if I'd learn skating from him. That would have opened the door up to everything. To get to know Colton Vincent, I should have been prepared to take up a sport that terrified me.

Standing at my bedroom window and looking out into the street, I asked myself if I still was prepared to do that. I almost told myself yes. Then everything else hit me.

For God's sake, Todd, sort this out, once and for all. Are you gay? Do you have a crush on your best friend? Are you trying to replace it with fantasies about a fox whose elegance and looks are really a great big mask for how dangerous he is? Is all you really want to turn Colton Vincent into some great big soft teddy-bear, just so you can fuck that gorgeous body and then tell him that your favourite thing is...

I took a deep breath and told myself none of this mattered. All I had to do was keep doing the sports, keep getting through the day the way I was, enjoy my secrets in private and things would just work themselves out. One nightmare and a comfort-jerk after it meant nothing.

In my heart, I think I already knew differently. As I fell asleep, I was thinking about how to change my running route so that it took me past the skate park twice, so I could see Colton Vincent from both sides.