Twas the Night before....WTF?!?!
I don't know either.
WARNING: There is no good explanation for this. It's weird, it's...it's all kinds of just WTF. I don't know how it derailed so far. I was reading a poem, started writing a little copy just to end boredom, and somehow, it just...devolved and mutated into this. So... I don't know. I wondered, before I erased it "Should I take it home and upload it? It's insane and made out of absolute boredom over hours." IDK. I may delete it later.
Twas the night before X-mas, when all through the house,
Not one lazy bastard was stirring. Not even that triflin'-ass mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney, below where knickity-knacks sat,
Who the hell hangs up their nasty ass socks, bruh? Tell me, please, where they do that at?
Anyway...
All this fuckery was done in hopes that St. Nicholas would soon arrive, But hasn't it been centuries since that Turkish man was even alive?
Them bad ass kids were nestled all in their beds, While visions of trailer meth and social media danced in their heads; Whuh? What the hell's a "sugar plum"? Some fruit rolled in some sugar?! Nobody wants that lousy ghetto ass shit, I'd rather dream of Freddy Kreuger.
And momma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, We got it in tonight, that big ass is full of red handprints I slapped. ;)
After some kama sutra, with turkey feathers, werewolf masks, and a swing that thrice broke, From the lawn arose such a clatter that I almost done choke,
I sprang from the bed when I heard that very clatter,
Somebody's gettin' shot if they touch my gyros platter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
With my balls swingin' out in the open like true white trash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Shined bright as a police search light on all the shit below,
When what to my wondering eyes? GASP! Did appear!
But a fat ass drunk in a broke down buggy with eight ugly ass deer,
That old bastard was lively, and damn he was quick,
He had on more red than a Valentine's Day trick. And he whistled, and shouted, and called deer by name The way he did it was ghetto, I think he had no shame:
"Yo Rudolph, ayy Blitzen, and Dasher, and my pet cow Hamburger!
On, Air-Wrecka! on, Consuela! on, Bubba Jo _and _Asperger!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! It's almost ten till!
But land straight, and land right because this red shit's still a rental."
He slurped from a brown bottle, and quickly gulped his libation, Then he muttereda utter, "Fuck this shit, man. I'm still on probation..." "Uppity ass elfs," he sneered, "...with their civil rights, now so bold! I knew I shouldn'tve choked that special one out cold. Look, I was mad cuz I walked in on Mrs. Claus and Krampus, gettin it in! He saw me and lol'd!!! And besides, every day I only have a couple drinks, not much... just around 24. Judge Judy should realize I couldn't even remember shootin up the ceiling and the floor."
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Every step he made saw a jello-ey jiggle of his big, Kardashian thighs;
So up to the housetop, the sleigh and deer flew
And he screamed "Nasty bastards!" because mid-flight, a deer let loose some rein-deer rein-doo. Twas a storm of little brown balls, each preciously filled with pure stench, Slapped him in the face, and many a curse and threat came from between yellow teeth so clenched. "Don't do that shit again!" he hissed, as the slay came low, "I'll do you like Comet and sell you to Alpo." With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too-- On the rooftop it landed gently, and the one cow let out a moo. He stepped from the sleigh and shushed calm his four legged crew, Hoisted the bag of toys, grunted, and groaned "Damn, Santa gotta doo doo."
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
That's breaking-and-entering, so I grabbed the 40 gauge. Stand my Ground. He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
His clothes were tarnished with ashes and soot, he twirled like a ballet;
He looked like a wino from the back of a alley. He smelled like Wal-Mart, and trust me, he just looked like hell. I don't know if this drunk stole those toys, or just got 'em on sale. That bundle of who-knows-what, he had flung on his back, And all that ass meat, ohhhh, Santa is STACKED.
His eyes--how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
He swished them hips, baby, as if his name was Halle Berry!
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
That red nose, and such energy! He must like that blow. His eyelashes were long, and his lips glistening pouted so cute. I couldn't tell if he was drunk, high, or just some kinky ass fruit. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
His eyes blazed red, and they blinked ever so dimly. He's high as a mother fucker, why else would a fat old white man jump down a stranger's chimney? He had a broad face and a little round belly
And the fat rolls behind his neck looked like ham slabs at the discount deli.
He was chubby and plump, like a jolly man at the bar,
And I laughed when I saw him, held up my phone, and squealed "World Star!";
A reddening of his face and a twist of his head,
He grimaced, then winked to let me know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And grabbed them ankles and commence to twerk.
Every bounce of those cheeks, sent loudly a jingle, Then I knew I seen him before, on Instagram, "Big Booty Kringle". He twerked 'jingle bells', oh how it gave me a tingle!!! I wanted the booty meat to squash me flatter than a pringle! I slammed my face between his cheeks, I cried "Please don't stop!" He winked, and smiled, and said "You just trynna get up in my "work shop." I grabbed his cheeks, and tried to pull back, I wanted Santa, not what was in that big red sack. And laying his finger aside of his nose, He snorted something I didnt see, I was lost in ecstacy's throes. I cried "Santa, lemme get deep in your stocking!" Santa winked again, saying "Don't talk that shit if you're just mocking."
So he dropped his pants, and low hung his little red sack, Like two hairless, shaved ornaments. But the cat dashed out to give 'em a whack. "FUCK THIS!" he screamed, and went to pull out a PS4, But I slapped his ass like a $2 whore. Santa said "Ho, ho, ho! You like 'em thicc?" I said "You tell me," and whipped out my holly jolly dick. Santa's big white ass tumbled and thundered like a storm! But I was about to dive in him, like a hive and a bee swarm. So, I grabbed the cheeks, booty meat ever so fine, Aged to perfection over the centuries, like magical wine. I penetrated deep, and Santa squealed like a girl. I grunted "St. Nick, I'm finna rock your world!" With each and every pump, his butt made a sound like a bell jingles, And with every Ho Ho Ho, I felt my orgasm come closer, sending tingles! I said, "Ohhh Nick" while gripped him with hungry paws, He turned around, winked again, and said "I'm not Nick. My name's Santa Claus!" I said "Ain't that the same? Like seaweed and kelp?" He said "Nah, n***a, Nickolas was a dark skinned Turkish man. I'm a fat ass elf."
It didn't matter to me, because I was tappin' Santa's ass, And the neighbor was crying when she saw through the window glass. But her crying made me hotter, and I was getting close to bustin' a nut, If Santa's a elf, then I wonder if a human can knock him up... But just as I was about to creampie Kris Kringle's donut hole, Did my angry ass wife storm down the stairs, why that nosy ho! I cursed, because she was ruining my private Christmas party, But Santa just winked, and said, "I've known Mary since her name was Marty." But my wife didn't care, that didn't stop her glare. "You're fuckin' my hubby! DON'T YOU DARE!"
But then her cell phone rung, and rung it did loud! Who on the messenger spoke? THE EASTER BUNNY!!! AND PROUD! He said, "Mary, I know your ass needs some easter greasin', I wanna hide my eggs in your basket during every season! I know me 'n' you been hoppin', boppin', sneakin', and creepin' around! Your husband don't know you cum 20 times whenever I lay this pipe down! That punk you got can't get with it, and I refuse to share! Now, I wanna make you MY wife, and I'll be your beloved, bewedded hare. I don't care about your past, I don't care what's between your thighs, Will you be my easter baby?" And Mary started to sniffle and cry.
I glared at her while pumpin that jolly old fat man, not one stroke missed a beat, My voice cracked as I almost came, while I screamed "HOW DARE YOU CHEAT!" Then Santa pushed me off, I fell out of his hole so wonderfully tight, I wasn't done yet! The thought of not finishin' filled me with fright!
But Santa stood up, no pants, jingle balls out for all to see, He winked, snaked his neck like a sassy chick, and giggled "Tee hee!" My wife huffed up, intent to switch the subject quick. She yelled, "Santa won't even finish you off, leaving you blue balls and throbbin' dick." Santa snapped his fingers and twisted his neck, fingernails long and candy cane striped, Oh! He said, "Biiiiiiiiiiitch! Don't make me throw sand in your eyes! I'll fight any ho!"
But it was right at that instant the easter bunny came bursting through the door, He sent it cracked into splinters, pieces, and more. His dick was so long, shiny, and striped. As if it been painted. Mary took one look, and she damn near fainted. The bunny looked at Santa, and he said "So you're that bad mother fucker named Kris Kringle?! I heard of all the coal you left, and all the kids you left disappointed, you ain't worth pigeon shit on a shingle. Boy, your reputation is 100% pure hallmark made reindeer shit, You just sit on your ass in the snow, Coca Cola's the one who made it!"
Santa said, "Why you long eared, rat-faced mother fucker! You ain't nothing but a sucker! I'm the one who made a big snow storm on the 4th of July, Gave a headache to Excedrin, burned Icy-Hot, and made the truth tell a lie. I may be a elf who looks like a big sweet man, and I don't like to tussle! But I will make a elf drop their draws, go out on the street, and hustle! Their ears may be pointed, they may be short, and maybe their voices sound funny, But get your pointy hatted head ass on that corner, and get Big Kris my MONEY!!!"
The rabbit got mad, and said, "I don't have a tisket, not even a tasket! I don't got one fucking fuck in my muh-fucking basket! It was in the 3000's BC, when I started my pimpin trick, I was calling giants racist slurs, and cyclopses "bitch". I swam the pacific and never got wet, I went to ancient Egypt and slapped the black off Set. I drowned the desert and not one drop was pouring, at 25 feet I pissed through the eye of a needle for sewing! Bigfoot went to the news screaming he got proof I exist, and I'm the sneaky asshole who digitized your list. I stung a bee and the whole hive cried, I got bit by a cobra and in 5 minutes he died. Kris, I challenge you to a fuckin' duel! And whoever cums last wins the right to rule!"
It was then one of the reindeers let out a air-thundering fart. Thats the bell for the sex contest to start.
The easter bunny angled his multi-colored dick like a knight's lance! Santa twerked till the house rumbled like thunder, even after the bunny dived deep up his jinglin' ass. Santa began to MOAN, began to GROAN, beggin' for more! They did it all through the house, up the tree, the ornaments and right out the front door. The bunny grunted, and Santa began to SQUEAL! They even fucked all the snow, ice, and asphalt off the neighborhood's hill. They fucked on the snowflakes, back in the house, up the chimney, and onto the roof! They teleport banged, nothing but the sounds of sex and sparkly clouds going POOF! Santa twerked to the left, to the right, twerked so hard that eggs shot out the rabbit's ass like fire from a rocket. But the rabbit slapped a basket over Santa's head, got to stroking till he almost pulled that merry asshole out of socket. Santa tried to pull a move and bounced like a tire, but the rabbit was fast, had Santa's balls screaming "The roof is on fire!"
But it was about that time that the sky turned green, and snowed down frozen lemon juice. People started screaming like Godzilla was loose. Jack O'Lantern just that moment then strolled through the door, he had the hottest witch for a wife with 15 abs rippling for a core. Outside the house was a black and orange Mercedes Benz, driven by the wolf man. The back was full of zombie and monster femboys, and they looked like much more than fans. Jack shouted "Halt If you dont stop with all this shameless, embarrassing acts of a cretin... I'mma kick your asses till your hearts stop beatin'!"
He looked down at me, still on the floor, through red eyes glowing like flames, He said, "What the hell is THIS?! This is a damn, DAMN shame... Of the holidays, don't you know that now I'm the boss? The Leprechaun sucks me, the valentine fairy fucks me, and thanksgiving jacks me off. So, I'm going to put a end to this shamelessness you decided to tell. Do it one more time, and I'm sending the boogey make your life hell."
So, I looked at my text, and Mary said "Honey, don't push Send." I pushed Delete, and damn... I guess that's the end.