Ch. 19
Progress is often measured by the impacts we leave when we land. The story continues.
I wished there was something more I could have done for Cocoa. Something more I could have said. I might have quieted the tears, but I doubted I did anything real or lasting for the pain.
She was a sweet girl, she did her best, she didn’t complain when things were hard, she tried to get along with everyone and worked with the hand she’d been dealt. She was an angel, and I felt guilty. Shamed. I felt sorry for her, because I’d managed to take her entire life away from her, and replaced it with something that hurt her.
It was too late to take any of it back, that would have just made things worse. I knew that. I hated how often it seemed like all I could do was to just keep going. I hated feeling like I was screwing things up for everyone else because of it. They were all relying on me, every step of the way. Once again, there I was, and it seemed I just didn't have any answers to give them. Of all the things I hated about the situation, mostly, I just hated that I didn’t have any answers. I hated knowing how badly I was letting everyone down. It wasn’t the first time. It wouldn’t be the last time.
It wouldn’t be the last time, and that was what was killing me.
True to my word, I kept trying. True to hers, so did Cocoa. Several days had gone by since that painful night, and we’d kept trying. She hadn’t realized it, but she was getting a lot stronger. We’d walked all morning, and she kept up fine. I called for a break, and asked her how she was feeling.
“I reckon I could keep going when you’re ready.” She paused, staring at me for a long moment, curiosity etched into her features at her own answer. “How far y’all think we gone?” She asked, looking over her shoulder at all the road we'd put behind us in the arid desert heat.
When I pointed out to her that she’d walked twice as far as the first day, and did it almost as quick, she just about jumped for joy. Tempest flashed her a grin, chiming in that getting stronger does kind of creep up on you.
She was excited, eager, so I put her enthusiasm to good use, snagging Claire’s branch to draw a broad ring in the dirt off the side of the road. I invited her in, and told her to try and push me out.
She had a pretty decent shove, for all that it was tremendously haphazard. But she wasn’t dissuaded by the first few failures. I taught her how to take the lower ground, to lift and push, to throw off my balance by twisting and pivoting and capturing my ground. She seemed surprised, all the stretches and balancing, and footwork I’d been teaching her all played into it. It came easier because she already knew how to stand, and how to step. It was beginning to make sense to her.
It became our routine over the next week, we’d walk further each day, she’d try to cover more ground a little quicker, and find herself absolutely elated when she succeeded. More and more, Cocoa began to find that her stamina was catching up to ours. Her agility and balance were improving, too. Our training time nearly doubled by the week’s end, despite my every effort to take it slow, and not push her too hard.
She seemed to be genuinely happy, pleased with herself. Pleased with how things were going. It was giving me hope. She was giving me hope. She was embarrassed when I told her how proud I was of her, but I could tell Cocoa was proud of herself too.
It had been a few days since the last time we pushed each other around, but the day wasn’t too warm for it, and we had a little energy to burn, so I drew out a big circle again, and we repeated the stretches and practice from before, warming up as the others watched.
When we went at it again, I didn’t have time to really appreciate the surprise. She managed to bodily lift me from the ground, and shoved me back, landing on top of me in the dirt with a heavy thud. I felt the dirt grinding against my back, and the softness of her body pinning me down and it took a moment to really understand how exactly that had happened.
She gasped, trying to scramble back, off of me, but I laughed and wrapped my arms around her in a tight hug, despite wincing at the pain between my shoulders. It was too good a moment to not celebrate.
“That’s the way!” I exclaimed, as she stared, bewildered at me. “Wow, that damn near took the wind out of me. Way to go!” I didn’t want to admit that it actually had, part of holding her down was that I didn’t have to get back up immediately. Claire saw right through me, but only offered me a quiet, worried mental probe before accepting that I really was okay and just needed a moment.
Her reply came out in a rush, some kind of confused apology turning into a blank stare, baffled at my outburst. She squirmed a little, but ultimately gave up as I wrapped her up tight.
“That was awesome! We’re gonna work on that more!” I answered her half formed apology, brushing my hand over the top of her head. “I think we might be onto something here!”
When I finally let her go, she helped me up, embarrassed as I examined the spot I’d landed. It was a hell of an impact, and if I hadn’t reflexively tucked myself against the landing, it would’ve done a number on me. More of one, at any rate. Even so, I’d be nursing some new bruises, but they were completely worth it.
I paired her up with Tempest, taking the time to walk them through the motions. While Tempest had the hands to get a good hold, Cocoa was heavy enough to offer serious resistance. The two of them traded a few hard take-downs before Cocoa seemed to really get a handle on it. Cocoa baited Tempest, and when she’d lunged in, scooped up her legs and slammed her down onto the ground.
Tempest cussed, and laughed, waving off another round. “We’ll try again some other time. Somewhere softer.” She said, wincing as she lay in the dirt. “Somewhere much softer.” She said with another laugh as she pushed herself upright. “What the hell are you made of?” She asked me, dusting herself off. “I’m alright, but I’m sure not laughing!”
I grinned, clapping Tempest on the back, before dusting her off. “Ancient martial arts secrets.” I remarked with a teasing grin, as I raked dry grass and twigs out of her fur. “I’ll teach you a few tricks tonight, and see if I can’t put you two on fair terms.”
“Oh, if it were a fight, I’d have plenty left to say.” She said, with a broad smile and a friendly grasp of Cocoa’s hand. “But that was a damned good hit!” She added, with a decisive nod.
“Reckon it weren't nothin’ but beginner’s luck, but thank ya kindly.” Cocoa said, with a smile. “Still, we oughta practice together. Figure you could teach me a thing or two, if ya wanted.”
Claire brought the three of us a drink while Mira circled the impact mark in the dirt with an amused expression. “She bounced.” She said, gesturing to Tempest with a ribbon. “That had to hurt.”
“Seriously. I have no idea how he just laughed it off. I’m gonna be hurting later.” Tempest replied, taking a sip of water. “If she hadn’t still had a hand on me, it would’ve been more throw than slam.” She paused, a moment passing before she looked up at me. “But it has me thinking. I want to try something.”
“Alright.” I said, setting down the thermos and moving into the circle. “Surprise me.”
She didn’t hesitate, lunging at me. My hands went up to try and deflect her, but suddenly, she was airborne. I saw her, above me, twisting in the air, her back falling towards me rapidly.
I realized what was about to happen, and exactly fuck-all I could do about it. I might as well have been caught in a rockslide! Even bracing myself, it knocked the air out of me, and set me flat on my back as she nimbly rolled off of me, absorbing the impact of her own landing.
As she stared down at me, I watched the clouds float by for what seemed like a week before I heard them again.
“I think I broke him.”
“You really don’t know how to hold back, do you?”
“He’s okay, mostly.”
“I don’t suppose ya could teach little ol’ me to do that? Though… maybe not to him.”
I was more tired after our break than I had been before. It was definitely an eye opener. Tempest volunteered to carry the backpack, and Cocoa teasingly volunteered to carry me.
Between the two of them, I would have many new bruises that week. I was almost looking forward to only having a headache from training with Claire. Her response to it was a gleefully cackled “Guess that means I have to stop going easy on you!”
I wanted to believe she was kidding. I wanted to, but I knew better. She was going to ramp things up tonight. I’d pay for believing I could take it easy.
Who was training whom, I wondered.
It was Mira who kept me from sulking, she picked up on my dread and with a ribbon around my hand, gave me a tug to a happier place, framing herself in my vision with her ribbons caressing my cheeks. Without a word, she reassured me that things would be alright. That I’d manage, and that we were doing well.
It was a trick I’d have loved to have the secret of. She made everything seem so much better sometimes. Hopefully, I could do the same for everyone else, at least sometimes.
-- Cocoa --
I reckoned I never felt good for much of anythin’ before him. Farm had a hundred some girls just like me. All doin’ the same things. All sharing the same work. Weren’t nothin’ special about me. Weren’t nothin’ special about none of us.
Nobody treated us unkind or the like. But special? Special we weren’t. Then he came along. He came along and I reckoned my whole world got turned inside out.
Was just about the damndest thing, too. Seemed like no matter what I did, he just seemed so proud of me. Damn near fall over tryin’ to keep up with their pace? Big smile, bigger hug and all the encouragement I could handle. Knock him to the dirt ‘cause I’m clumsy in trainin’? Laughed it off, dusted himself off and told me what a good hit it was.
I never thought I’d like it, awful lot of hard work, and bein’ dirty, and gettin’ hurt. Still didn’t like the dirty and hurt part none. But seein’ his eyes light up, seein’ him smile and cheer me on. Knowin’ in my own heart I did my best, and I was gettin’ better?
No feelin’ in the world like it. An’ no feelin’ in the world like I felt for him, neither.
We were all special to him. I knew we always would be. Couldn't get that on a farm.
He always took his time with me, too. His hands were damn near magic. Sometimes he sang while he milked me, too. Boy had the kind of voice what could put a smile on the grumpiest snubbull. At least, I thought so. He seemed awful shy when I told him so.
I reckon it didn't bother me none before, to find out he and his girls were sweet on each other. Surprised, sure. But at first I just figured it weren't none of my concern. He treated them right, and treated me fair from day one, so who was I to meddle? Ya don’t go pokin’ your nose in business what ain’t yours. An’ it weren’t mine.
He was always real polite to me. Didn't do me no harm, never tried nothin’. Not even on the nights he held me close like I asked. Might not said so, but it always felt like there was an “if you please” to every time he touched me. We shared a lotta familiarity but from day one he’d put a real clear line between us. I knew he weren’t about to cross it.
Truth but it got to me somethin’ fierce. I didn’t rightly know what it was I wanted from him, but it weren’t bein’ treated like anythin’ less than kin. So once again, I sat up at night, sighin’ an’ blue over somethin’ I wanted to change and didn’t even know how.