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I was doing some research on my nieces tablet and looked up the local Animal Transformation Registry Map. It's kind of like the Sex Offender Registry map (and unsurprizingly has some crossover), but to let people know if the neighborhood animals are really an animal. Obviously, your going to know if something like a tiger walks by wearing it's identification collar and "non-feral animal" identification vest. They make the big dangerous ones wear those in public. How else would you know? Kind of demeaning but they knew the rules when they signed up to be a big predator. Us smaller animals have a lot more leeway. We only need the microchip installed in our necks. They can be read with any smartphone so I get to go naked like armadillos were intended. Yeah i look like a plain old armadillo but I can still talk and think like a human. It's still a good idea to at least bring a leash if you are going somewhere crowded.

I'm rambling now because I had half a beer. It doesn't take much to loosen these lips when I have the same body weight as a baby. I don't even know if it's legal to sell alcohol to a non-feral animal. I was an adult human once. Does the age transfer over to your new body? I wouldn't want to meet that drunk tiger in a dark alley. I'm lucky I wanted to be an animal classified as harmless. All those rules!

This brings me to the guy i read about, Phillip Oakes. aka Philthy the NeoNazi Polar Bear. Guy decides to become a white animal to become a mascot for the movement. I saw the before picture. This skinhead had Swasticas tattooed on his dome! So I read a story about the doctor that approved his transformation. The doctor suggested a polar bear during the first consultation. If you know about polar bears then you know where this story is headed. Phil agrees to go through with it. His 2 week waiting period goes by and he finally gets to step into the booth. He gets the tranformation done. It's semi permanent in the sense that there is a 50/50 chance that your body's DNA will stabilize enough for you to get turned into something else after several years.

So he comes out of the booth and asks the doc did his cool tattoos transfer over? Doc says "No, but you can go to any licensed non-feral animal Tattoo Parlor and get them redone." Doctor knew what was going to happen. He was really setting Phil up. Phil probably decided it would be great to get an even bigger Swastica tattooed on the skin under the fur of his now massive skull. After a few days of adjusting to his new body Phil puts on his ID Collar and ID vest and walks to the local tattoo parlor to get it done right instead of the crappy homemade tattoos he got his brother to put on him.

Here's where the story gets good, he walks into the local Non-feral animal tattoo parlor and asks to get an 'Adolf Hitler Special' right on the top of his massive bear skull. He get's told they don't tattoo polar bears! Phil asks him why the hell not!? The artist tells Phil it wouldn't show up. Phil exclaims of course it won't once the fur grows back. Artist looks at him quizically and says that isn't what he means. Phil is yelling at this point, then what do you mean? Artist asks him, has he seen his skin lately? Phil looks at his arm questioningly. So the tattoo artist grabs the industrial hair clippers from a shelf and clicks them on and gestures for Phil's big head. So Phil leans his head forward and this Professional Tattoo artist/Rookie Barber uses the clippers to quickly cut a big Swastica in the fur on the top of Phil's skull. Poor phil then looks in the mirror and sees a big black Swastica under his fur. He is confused until realization hits him. He grabs the clippers with his clumsy bear paws and starts frantically shaving the rest of his skull. It's all BLACK! He pulls off his velcro ID collar and slashes at his neck with the clippers BLACK strips! He starts running it along his arm BLAAACK! He rips off his vest, and goes to the chest BLAAAAAACK!

While this is going on the tattoo artist clearly recognizes that this filthy nazi non-feral is having a mental breakdown over the cruel trick that was played on him. He pulls down the alarm switch on the wall for the Animal Emergency Rescue Team.

At this point Phillip Oakes or shall I now call him Philthy Bear starts going beast mode on the shop and is wrecking the place. He is roaring while clawing at the black skin exposed on his arms, chest, and neck. He starts clawing at his face leaving deep gouges. When he spots his bloody reflection in the full length mirror he smashes them with his bare bear paws. The tattoo artist is long gone out the back door at this point. I mean, they gave him training on how to use the tranq rifle under the counter but he's not dealing with a frighted deer here. It was in his best interest to GTFO.

Philthy is on the floor rolling around in the broken mirror while screaming in pain and rage. He is now completely crimson red, covered in bleeding cuts and self inflicted gashes from those sharp claws. Philthy Bear continues to thrash and roar in the shop as the A.E.R. Team rolls up to the scene. The Tattoo Barber formerly known as Artist flags down the AER team and informs them of what they are dealing with. Loaded up with bear class tranqs they blast a few tear gas grenades throught the front windows of the small shop. The fire supression system accidentally triggers covering Philthy in fluffy white foam which quickly turns pink from the bloody mess.

Philthy Bear comes crawling out the front door coughing, crying, bloody, roaring in pain, and leaving a huge foamy blood trail like a giant snail made of pink slime. From the body camera video of a first response officer, the walkie-talkie could be heard with a voice saying "Is it even safe to hit it with a tranq dart at this point?"

"Aim for the hindquarters" came a response. It was the logical choice since it was the only area that was a lighter shade of pink compared to the filthy mess on the rest of the body. *Pop* the tranq gun could be heard being fired with a quiet thud as the dart lodged itself firmly into Philthy's butt. They move in to gently restrain the filthy unconscious mess of a polar bear.

As the medical team moves in, another voice could be heard saying "Glad I'm not the guy that has to sew up that filthy bear."

Philthy was shaved, stitched up and washed. After a few dozen hours in surgery. He looked like Frankenstein's monster. His now furless naked black body spread eagle, face up on the animal hospital bed. Large IV bags hang above his bed connected to his arms. His arms were in shackles chained to the top of the bed and legs chained to the bottom. Philthy was covered with scabs and a patchwork of crosshatch claw marks sewn shut with thousands of precise staples. He looked over at his bear paws. His claws had been filed down to nubs. He looks down through the haze of painkillers and notices the camera on a tripod set up to watch him. Looking down at his very bare bear body he notices the medical team was very thorough in shaving every inch of him to check for glass shards in his skin.

Feeling extra exposed at the unknown future voyeurists watching his now monsterous looking body slowly breath. He wiggles to test his bonds and pain shoots through his body. He gurgles in pain and the veterinarian assistant looks across the ICU and calls the doctor. When the doctor arrived she gave him a thorough glance up and down his very naked body and picked up the chart to write on it. Philthy wanted to speak but just another gurgle came out. The doctor notices and explained "One of those self inflicted wounds on your neck has punctured your voicebox. You should be able to speak in a few weeks to explain what the hell you were doing." She looked down on his nude bear body with disgust and continued "In a few days we will transfer you to the AER Zoo next door to finish your recovery and assess whether this was an isolated incident or you are a danger to yourself or others."

Quite a story isn't it? The Media dubbed him Philthy, the NeoNazi Polar Bear.