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Zootopia

DIRTY HAIRY By Dan 1966

Loosely based off of Clint Eastwood's Harry Callahan.

(c) Zootopia. 2016 Walt Disney Productions (c) Dirty Harry 1971 Malpaso Productions (c) Fritz the Cat 1970 Ralph Bakshe

All rights respected. Not for monetary gain and none expected. Fandom enjoyment only.

Rated R for violence, swearing, graphic depictions of death and sex.

Who's killing animals across the city of Zootopia, leaving many half eaten in their cars? To get down in the dirt, you need a cop who skirts the line between legality and criminal-ism. That's when you call in homicide inspector Fritz Catz aka "Dirty Hairy". He's Gentile and likable when he's in the Precinct house but a complete bastard out on the streets who packs a howitzer for a gun. When the offender has to be absolutely stopped overnight...Fritz is the cat for the job.

PART 7

Construction site Catamaran and West Streets in Herd 2:36pm Day 2

Fritz signaled with his paw...."You stay high, I'll sweep low......on three...."

"One......two......THREE!"

David rounded the bend high and standing while Fritz rounded low and crouching....

And the Mountain Yak smoking a glass pot pipe almost pee'd himself when he looked into the barrels of the guns pointing at him....

"WOE! DUDES! CHILL MAN! CHILL! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER LIKE YOU KNOW....CRAZY!"

Fritz groaned as he lowered his gun..."It's not illegal? But being in a construction site smoking is."

"I'm sorry bout this man but the wife she major freaks over it. I got a bad hip so this kinda takes my edge off you know?" The yak replied. "Why are you guys down here anyway?"

David smirked. "It definitely did not come through here. He's alive."

Suddenly the sound of muffled gun shots bounced through the pipe! "DAMN!" Fritz snarled as he took off back down the tube with David chasing him....

"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!" Three loud blasts made the air vibrate as the two cats cleared the pipe opening and sprinted for the gate that had been covered by John Merkhorn, Nick Wilde and Judy Hopps. They saw officer Fangmeyer to their left bounding over the concrete pipes and sliding to slamming stop against the corner of the wooden fence near the gate...

"DAMN! THAT BASTARD'S HUGE!" Fangmeyer snapped as he leveled his shot gun and started to walk into the street...

As David and Fritz rounded their corner of the gate, they saw a police cruiser rolled into a crumpled wreck and John Merkhorn rubbing his head as he sat by his own dented car...

Fritz bolted for the rolled cruiser and slid to a crawl...."WILDE?! HOPPS!!" He cried out. He saw Nick on his back with his tail flopped between his legs...

"NICK?!" Fritz called out. "Nick?"

Nick flashed a waving thumb behind his tail and the protests of Judy under him were a relief....

"NICK!" Judy shouted. "Get....your......fat tail butt off my face!"

"Just for that?" Nick replied....and then he farted.

"UGH! You disgusting.....son of a....." Judy fought to get herself from under Nick and crawled to the window of the cruiser that wasn't broken...till she pulled a spring punch and shattered it."

"GASP!" Judy breathed as she crawled out...."You!" She snapped at Fritz. "I take back all the thousand insults I've been calling you....Son of a brier crop of hell that thing? was.....enormous!"

Nick crawled out and sat on the pavement..."I got off three shots before I jumped back into the car and the thing rolled like a messed up tumbler machine at "Six Ferrets"."

David rubbed Nick's shoulder. "You ok?"

"Oh yeah...." Nick replied. "Marking yourself silly while a big monster snake is trying to kill you is just an awesome activity."

John Merkhorn came up with something in his hands. "Obviously the thing's not afraid of us big ton beasts...it tried to bite me! I punch the silly slinky right in the kisser, broke a fang right out of his fat skull!"

Fritz looked at the tooth. "Surprised you didn't break the skull with that punch. Did you get a good look at it?"

"Up close and personal." John replied. "Damn....let me get my ticket book and I'll try to do a quick sketch."

Fangmeyer came up with his phone in his paw..."I popped off three bang rounds, wasted two rounds and tried a tracker round but I don't think I scored on it." He then called out Anderson..."Andy? Did you catch that thing on the drone?"

"As much as it would catch with it doing "mach plaid" down the street." Anderson replied. "It went down West for two blocks and "poof".....gone."

John Merkhorn pulled his radio mic from his belt...."Benji? This is Merkhorn at Catamaran and West Streets in Herd. I need a sketch artist down here pronto, advise two additional units on my location for a circular search. One cruiser is trash, send the wrecker and a replacement for Hopps and Wilde."

Fritz stood taking pictures of the broken fang and the destroyed police cruiser as Judy came up behind him..."I'm still very upset at you about how you treated me Inspector."

"Had I not been so crass." Fritz replied. "You would have probably been killed or Nick would be dead and you'd be balling. Be honest Judy? You could not have taken that thing on and still be breathing?"

"That's not an excuse for you calling me a "prom queen"...I am going to file a report Fritz. You wouldn't take that crap from anyone would you? I won't allow someone to disrespect me....I won't allow "anyone"....even a friend to use such vulgar descriptive bunny pellets about me....are we clear? Inspector?"

"Very clear." Fritz replied. "Just as long as you understand that I'm not going to see two empty chairs at Buckies because my keeping my mouth shut cost two friends I care deeply about?.....their lives. Now lieutenant....Am I dismissed Mam?"

Judy sighed..."You are so impossible at times Fritz. One day you'll smart mouth to Francine or Cindy Serbal-cat and they won't go to "HR", they'll just pound your face in."

Fritz turned around and waved as he walked off...."Insults pass Lieutenant. Empty chairs don't. We'll need another one next time for my partner? Maybe he can shake Cindy out of her ice block."

Nick walked up with a coffee cup in his hand. "Well? I did save my huckleberry Mocha?"

Judy swatted the cup with her paw...."Oops....I tripped."

"Hey!" Nick snapped as he chased after her. "I'm gonna file a complaint with HR against you for assaulting my coffee. You don't EVER assault a fur's coffee."

David and Fritz were walking towards their car when David suddenly stopped tapping his foot..."Fritz? Something isn't right at all here."

Fritz turned around. "What's up?"

"Explain to me how....if this snake is as big as they just described? How does a snake "that big" go through a room, whacks four March Hares and exits without leaving a huge calling card?" David said as he stood frowning.

Fritz shook a paw finger at his partner...."You?....Now that's exactly why I requested you! Damn...."

"There's more than one." David snorted. "This was a sucker play."

Fritz stood drumming his foot...."Pick up Benjamin?"

"Sargent Clawhauser?" Clawhauser's voice sounded over the phone.

"Benji? Get me Chief Bogo? It's Fritz." Fritz replied as he plopped the busted snake fang into an evidence bagee..."Chief? It's detective Catz, homicide. I'm at the incident at Catamaran and West Streets in Herd."

"I just got the call from Officer Merkhorn." Bogo replied in his deep booming voice. "So our suspect in all these killings as of late is a snake?"

"We're not sure. My partner David Sweet just made an observation. This thing could not have done all the killings and I think we just got "goosed" (goose chase) in an opposite direction. We need to send officers to cover the "Ten-pin Jacks" bowling alley in Savana Central. The Three Dunes bar and casino in South Sahara Square and the "Ace Duce" Car wreckers lot in Downtown in Troop near Pack and Merkle Ave. Just a hunch."

Bogo replied. "I'll try to get officers to cover.....hold on....."

The sound of someone coming into the Chief's office and loudly hitting the door against the wall wasn't always a good indication of something normal....

"Inspector? Too late for the "Ace Duce", you better get there right away. We just got a call that the place was hit. Officer Francine is already there. No I.D. on a suspect."

Fritz put the mic down and cursed...."Beautiful sucker play. We are definitely working against a team."

"No doubt." David replied. "The accomplice must be a smaller snake...or a reptile. My bets on a Komodo. What's at the Ace Duce any way?"

Fritz replied. "Well that is the hub for the weasel gang called the "El Rukens" They mostly deal in accident fraud, narco-pushing, illegal booze and check fraud. We just sent their leader "Salt Shake-kur" to the slammer for a ten year on a weapons violation."

3:46pm day 2 Ace Duce" Car wreckers lot Downtown in Troop near Pack and Merkle Ave.

Fritz and David left their car and walked through the lot fence to find Francine guarding the door to the garage with an assault shot gun while her partner, officer Louis Rhinowitz (Rhino) was taping up the crime scene.

"We got suckered and sidelined Franny." Fritz said as he walked up. "How many?"

"Nine." Francine replied. "There was one survivor...our mutual friend Duke Weaselton is sitting in my car. Both his brothers are in there..."

Fritz patted David on the shoulder. "I'll handle Weaselton. You start processing the scene. Obviously all we need from the ZBI right now is exactly what kind of snakes we're dealing with here."

Duke walked over to Francine's cruiser where Duke Weaselton was huddled in the back with his head tucked into his arms and knees. Fritz slipped into the car and sat in the driver's seat...

"Duke? I'm homicide inspector Catz. I know this is difficult right now but anything you can tell me about what you saw could be a big help..."

Duke didn't say anything back...he was obviously scared out of his fur by whatever set upon the gang.

"Come on Duke. Help us out so we can give you some pay back. How old were your brothers?"

Duke nuzzled his head into his arms and sniffled...."They were from my mom's second litter...they were just pups man! I mean they were like 14 and 15 and all they did there was detail cars, I swear man! They just did art work!"

Fritz reached out and grabbed Duke's wrist...."Don't go all to pieces on me Duke. What did you see? How big was it? Was it a snake?"

"Snake?" Duke replied. "A fricken nightmare it was man...it had this hood that popped open from behind the head like a digger's spade...the eyes went crazy red and WHAM! No one had a chance for a knife or a gun....that thing ripped little Pepei in half like a piece of paper dude! Fur-uck me!"

Fritz grabbed the radio mic off his belt. "David? We got somewhat of a description off of Weaselton, give me a few more minutes but send an initial to Benji back at "HQ"....a cobra."

"Cobra?" David replied. "Sure thing."

Fritz offered a cloth handkerchief so Weaselton could blow his nose and clean his face. "What was it Duke? Male? Female? Did it just strike without warning? Did it just charge in and attack?"

Duke sighed...."No man....it came in as if nothing was up. Had this knock out voice even with the tongue...ugh that fricken thing gave me the hives. It was a chick, seriously wicked vocals and it released some kind of scent...the only reason I wasn't affected is I was checking out the detailing inside this car. Weasels were going nuts...stripping off their clothes, it was matting season gone bozo crazy and then "THWACK!" She was whacking through them like a steak knife from hell."

Duke flopped back onto his back...."UGH! I couldn't move man! I had a gun! I couldn't do anything but pee myself silly! When I finally got up and the bitch had gone? Damn.....damn......"

Fritz pulled out a note book. "Tell me what you can? Help us nail her?"

4:35pm day 2 Ace Duce" Car wreckers lot Downtown in Troop near Pack and Merkle Ave.

"That's the description we have Benji, at least of the smaller of the two if it's just two and not more." Fritz said as David stowed the homicide kit and evidence bags in the trunk of the car.

"Got it." Ben Clawhauser replied. "Fritz? Did you really call Judy Hopps a Prom Queen?"

Fritz replied. "How did you find out?"

"I get all initial reports for distribution and filing." Ben replied. "That wasn't nice at all Fritz, she gets on me all the time for slipping up and regarding her as "cute". You should consider a sorry gift the next time we all meet at Buckies. I'll hold this report till then but if you refuse? I'm sending it in with my own comments. That was just wrong."

Fritz sighed..."Benji? She's is who she is....would you rather attend a Buckies or a funeral?"

"Well dang it you "silly simp" there were better ways to address her than "Prom Queen" you know? Just....give her a sorry gift and this file can go in the trash for gosh sakes...allow a little punch to your honor once in a while for universal peace and happiness please?"

David smirked at Fritz..."One thing you can say for Lieutenant Hopps? She keeps her word."

Fritz patted the car roof..."Alright...I will buy her a very nice gift before our Buckies night...I promise Benji."

"Good for you." Ben replied. "Clawhauser out."

Fritz got into the driver's seat and wrote in his note book before starting the car. "We still have to eliminate our theories about who's behind all these "whackings" if it's just these two snakes or hits by the syndicates in a turf war. Our next stop is in Tundra Town after we drop off the evidence from this incident."

David cocked his face to the side..."Mister Big?"

"Good guess." Fritz replied. "You have such amazing intuition."

"I get it from my mother. Years of training being on a child leash hunting bargains at Wilder-beast Mart." David replied. "But what will he tell us? Like we can trust any of these crooks to tell the honest truth?"

Fritz replied. "You just need to know how to stretch em like taffy. Find their soft spots. Implore to their vanity. Even a shrew like Mister Big can be tweaked with the right words."

5:19 pm day 2 The residence of Mister Big aka "The God Shrew" "The Shrew Father" "The Ice Mammal" "Big Daddy Shrew"

Fritz and David arrived at the front gate where a big polar bear stood with his arms crossed...

"Do these bears ever smile?" David asked. "Even our officers don't smile. Even their laughter doesn't look like laughing. You wonder if they don't smile because of their teeth maybe? Hey! They should take lessons from you Fritz?"

"Raymond." Fritz replied. "This one has absolutely no sense of humor."

Fritz brought the car to a stop and smiled as Raymond bent down to look and sniff....

"Evening Ray." Fritz snickered. "My you are a stellar shade of white? Have you and Kevin been mutually bleaching like always?"

Raymond snatched hold of Fritz's jacket and snarled! At the same time he drew down on David with a pistol..."What do you want you little sand pissing fur bag?" Kevin snarled.

"You're paw handling a cop I'll have you know?" Fritz snorted. "Sheesh Raymond...you really need to get out more."

"What's the nature of your visit flat foot?" Raymond snorted. "The boss is in an important meeting right now and can't be disturbed."

"Oh really?" Fritz replied. "If he's in a meeting then that would make what I need to do easier. Just tell him it will only take fifteen minutes and we won't have to push a warrant for probable cause? Tell him it's about all these killings that have been happening over the past oh....48 hours and if Mister Big wants to keep silent about it then he can expect a raid and I know he doesn't want to deal with cops tromping all over his nice house?"

Raymond growled then he walked to his booth to call the house...coming back later to wag his paw in the window...."Guns....now."

David snapped back. "We're cops. Get that...."

Fritz waved a warning paw...."David? Mister Big would gain nothing by hurting us. Turn over your side arm and the shot gun please?"

David grumbled..."This is so against department regulations. Next he'll want to strip search us....grumble...."

Raymond smiled....for once a polar bear did really smile..."How did you know? Gee Catz? You have quite the clairvoyant kitten there? Get out of the car!"

After a few more minutes of un-pleasentness...David and Fritz followed Kevin and Raymond into the main house and into a large entertainment room with a small round lamp table being watched over by a group of four bears...including the obvious "Lieutenant" of Mister Big...the much larger brute with black circles around his eyes....Tall Pauley.

Fritz and David stepped between to bears to look down upon the small playing table of arctic shrews gathered for a card game...Mister Big himself playing the "house mammal" with a red cap on his head....

"So?....Detective Catz? To what do I owe this intrusion in the middle of my once a week festive gathering?"

Fritz looked at each of the other Shrews...."Ok? Victor Polanchio, Tony Scarza, Vinnie the bent tail, Joey the drift...you saved me from having to go to all their houses, thank you Mister Big."

"Stop with the horse mouth gum shoe and make with the explanation, we are busy here you know? And who's the youngster next to you, your sex kitten?"

David jumped and the polar bears whipped out pistols and revolvers..much to the laughter of Mister Big and his associates. "Hey Fritz? You need to teach your under study here how not to get himself whacked eh?"

David backed off and stood growling....

"Not like my boys were gonna shoot you officer? They just watch too many furry wood gangster films. The guns by the way are nothing but "trankies" so you won't die. I promise you on my grand children. So what about it Catz? I already know what you're gonna yak over and no...not me or any of the esteemed shew at this table are that dumb."

Fritz crossed his arms..."I dare say the words "We don't trust you." Which I will refrain from uttering. You of course will probably have an answer I should follow?"

"I do." Said Victor Pilanchio. "Someone has it out for all of us. This has nothing to do with a syndicate war. None of us at this table wants to repeat the disaster of ten years ago. All of us lost family in the great mafia wars...I lost my beloved wife, how suicidal would returning to those days be? No....it's not a Mah-fee-yah doing this...it's someone with a grudge against the La Costra Nostrals. Some one who was wronged who's family was involved with the syndicates and wants us all dead."

"Well put my brother." Mister Big replied. "You should start there Inspector Catz. In fact? I dare say you should start with your own people...like the district attorney."

Fritz shook his head. "You're making a serious charge against D.A. Maycorn Hopps Mister Big."

"I am because of his history. What? Do you think I'm trying to connect him to your prized officer Lieutenant Hopps? Nah...different side of the family. Maycorn Hopps has a history and a grudge to fill. That's where you should first look for the handler of these "slime wigglers". And trust me Detective? None of us here would use low down pieces of dirt eat scum to do "our work" there are no pussy cats among the Shrew...we deal with things "tooth to tooth"."

Mister Big then regarded David. "And you....you better stick close to Catz here and learn some things so you don't make a wrong move that will get you iced? You understand there Cheetah?"

David nodded but not happily before he followed Fritz out of the house.

End of part 7