Sometimes we give up
A story about someone that gave up on the end
To those who are reading this story. This wasn't made just with the purpose of writing, this was made with the intent of trying to escape the pain that I feel during the time this was posted.
Suffice to say it did not work, but to those who are suffering, please, look for help or talk with friend, talking always helps in a way.
(This story contains mature themes that may or may not be sensitive to others, you have been warned, so now let's begin)
Adventures, so wonderful they are. In this adventure that I've had so far every day we travel and rest non-stop. Never going after those mercenaries who push over and die in the path for the next city.
When crossing something like a dessert, we discovered many things, from when the temperature would rise from small fact like felines like to sleep in the heat. Whenever we found a good amount of shade underneath a three or a ridge, we would spread out our bedrolls and just go to sleep.
Once the sun set, we would move again, be it in darkness of under the moonlight. Even if there was danger in the darkness, we wouldn't stop moving, always alert and observant to our surroundings.
Even while camping or relaxing , we were busy, be it polishing a weapon or discussing a battle plan. Even if there were few moments were we would truly relax, those were enough to get by. It wasn't paradise, it was hell but at the same time heaven.
To go the longer route, even if there might not be enemies or to prepare ourselves for battle and push through. Those were our only options.
But during this adventure, what I really discovered is that what truly requires concentration and stamina is 'crossing' a river.
Once you're in the water, anything can happen, you're vulnerable from all angles no matter what. If you get bitten by a venomous snake, there is a chance the antidote might not work.
Crossing this river is just like living life, so many dangers and you're always vulnerable. I wonder how many 'rivers' we've crossed during this jorney...I wonder how many more we'll have to cross.
I know that I would have given up a long time ago...if it wasn't because of them. The party that I've travelled, I can only describe them as misfits...I am one myself. All of them are a special treat themselves, during this jorney I've gotten sad but they cheered me up, when I was sick they took care of me. It was like I was in a moving house of happiness, I couldn't get enough.
But above all, there was him, he was the one I liked the most. At the start I knew nothing about these feelings , I didn't do anything. But whenever I saw his face, my fatigue would instantly go away and I would be filled with a surprising amount of energy. Just his smile was enough to make me enthusiastic about how the day would go.
At any rate, this never ending journey requires you to read everything, from the land to the climate. It forces you to pay attention to your goal and your strength. If you ignore any of those, you'll fail and die.
Be it crossing snow, a storm or even something worse. We kept strong, even if we had to wait1-2 days under thick snow , we'd endure it. Being forced to my limits was nothing as long as I had him by my side.
Yet...that day came, the day my soul was shattered.
I'm gonna tell you something, when you fall in love, it doesn't make any sense. But you fall anyway without noticing, it will hurt you no matter what. It's not like you can prepare yourself for the blow, not even a little. So I wasn't surprised when it hurt me, but how wrong I was to think that I could handle this.
...
Day 1
I was sitting on a long, just an hour after ''it'' had happened. My heart was beating fast and I was crying. I had been through so much in this journey, so much had happened, I had suffered losses but none of them had given me this much pain.
''Hey''
I heard the voice of someone call out to greet me, but my body refused to answer, I couldn't answer even if I wanted too.
''It isn't that bad c'mon''
Those words fell deaf on my ears, nothing made sense to me at that time. I got up ignoring whoever was talking to me and went to my room in the inn. I never liked being alone, even if it was bad company, I would choose that over lowliness.
Yet...I had never wished to be left alone more, it was what I needed.
That night I stayed in my room, simply drinking grape juice, his favorite juice. It didn't matter what I did, everything reminded me of him. It wasn't as if everything caused me pain, but everything that reminded me of him hurt me in a way.
I'm probably not making sense, it never did make sense to me as to why I had fallen in love. It didn't make sense that I ignored the warnings that were sent to me. But above everything, it didn't make sense why I failed.
...
Day 20
Every day after that day was filled with agony for me, no one noticed, I wouldn't allow them to see my weakness or maybe I didn't want to burden others. I can't even remember why I did such a thing, but I just kept on a smile and mask on my face, a figurative mask that didn't let them see my true emotions.
I often saw the heart of a living being as a rose, be it a construct or a spirit, they had a heart. So it didn't surprised me that after some time, my 'rose' had lost a petal, it hadn't began withering, not close to that. But I knew that it would start, I couldn't escape that feeling. I knew that even if I moved on, those feelings that were in my heart had already began to make the petals fall, I only had to wait.
...
Day 60
The day that I lost another petal was when I saw him with someone else, the smile that I always cheered me up and made me smile, caused my heart to begin withering and loose another petal.
Let me tell you something, when you love someone, they make you feel warm, that much is obvious. But when you get rejected and see that love with someone else, it will hurt you more than you think, love is a dangerous game, I wonder why such a game even exists. I couldn't even stand up when I saw both of them together. I collapsed that same day and my party took me to my room.
In the morning I had managed to deceive them by saying I felt sick, it wasn't a lie, but I never revealed why I felt sick. It was a feeling of dread, not something I could quite grasp but I certainly felt it, in my soul and my heart. I did not wither, but I did cry in silence and on the inside.
I spent that day convincing myself to move on, I thought that I had done it, I was happy with myself, I managed to make myself smile and moved on, seeing him didn't awaken anything.
Victory was certain for me.
Day 100
How wrong I was, oh so wrong. It was glance, nothing more than a mere glance to seeing the two of them kissing. But it was exactly that, that quick, yet slow moment that I had only seen a fraction of second, that made me lose more petals. The 'rose' that was my heart had turned from a crimson shade to the withering color of a rose. I was dying on the inside.
When you convince yourself of something, no matter what it is, you believe in it. I had convinced myself that I had moved on, but my body and mind knew that it was a lie, seeing him do anything just sent my heart down to the void. Down to the darkness that I seeked to escape. I could only hope that something, someone would help me. But even if someone called out to me, it felt like no one came.
...
Day 150
The day that I felt the taste of my own blood and the pain of a blade slashing, that was the day I managed to, only for a second, forget about him and the pain he caused me. The pain that I felt on the outside, it had managed to offset the one that I felt on the inside. It was wrong, I knew it was wrong, but it was my only option and I took it.
It was never too much, maybe a small slash on my arm, one on my leg or even on my chest, somewhere that I could hide from the others, they wouldn't understand. But I specially didn't want him to see it, he would laugh at me, that was the lie that I believe. Pain makes you believe things, emotional pain makes you stray from the path, physical pain makes you believe in lies.
I tried going back, maybe I didn't try my best, but it was too late, I had already began going down the path of death, it was warm and welcoming, like his embrace, the embrace that I seeked to have.
I knew that death wouldn't solve anything, I was sure of it, but the pain did make me want to stay just on the edge. I had hit rock bottom, I couldn't go deeper...or so I thought.
Every day that passed, it became worse, my mask was stronger and my pain was larger, no matter what I did, no matter how much I slashed myself...I couldn't escape it anymore.
I didn't want to give up, I had come so far, I had tried everything that I could...yet just hearing his voice again, made everything crumble, it made my 'rose' die. We often say that without a heart we can't live, they were right, without my heart I didn't feel alive.
I felt like I was nothing more than a shell from my past self, one that wasn't even a creature anymore. I was just...an entity.
At the start I wondered how many more rivers I'd have to cross, because I didn't want this adventure to end. But now I wonder to myself when will the last river come, because with everything that I feel, I await for that river.
Day 350
How long has it been since I've had a true smile, how long has it been since I even felt anything? So much time has passed, so much has happened. Yet he is still here, he is the same as always, cheerful and happy. On the outside I am the same, but on the inside, I don't know anymore.
Every day I ask myself questions, seeking for that impossible answer that will never come, the more I ask , the more it hurts, but if I don't ask myself, it hurts more.
Why can't I get out?
Why am I still here?
Why can't I move on?
What do I still fear?
Those 4 questions are what keeps me sane. To those who managed to see through my mask, they always told me to move on, sadly, it can't just happen, you have to be willing...and I am not willing.
...
Day 500
Another day has passed, another day I felt pain again, all this time has passed and now only 4 petals are left. It was a quiet day, not much of a day for us to get gold or anything, we just relaxed, I told them that I wanted to rest, he was the last one to say goodbye to me, he just gave me a hug and told me that we would drink later.
But little did he know, we would never drink, that day would never come.
As I laid down on my bed at the inn, my door unlocked and me looking at the ceiling , I put my hand on my chest and began closing my eyes.
4 petals
In this world of dreams, I find myself with him, my happiness there and I remember when I had a chance, when I remember those moments my chest tightens and I feel myself starting to get free somehow.
3 petals
Memories of my birthday, of my parents, of my teddy bear. They all passed through me as I slowly started to feel myself weaken, memories of the party , they all seemed so distant right now...but I don't bother going after them.
2 Petals
I am reminded that day, the day I lost him forever to someone, the day my love was corrupted. I just felt so lonely...this is what it feels like to die, I knew that back then I had died.
1 Petal
In the middle of this darkness, out of all memories I am reminded, why is it this one.
''We can still be friend, c'mon it's going to be alright.'' I heard his voice in my head, that voice was the last thing my soul and heart heard when they withered.
So my dear reader, I ask you, what do you think happened in the end? Did the character kill himself or just go to sleep. I'll leave this up to you to think about but to those who are reading and suffer a heartbreak or know someone who had their heart broken. Don't give up.
My heart has been shattered beyond repair, I myself have not yet given up but recently I've been struggling to think clearly ever since it happened.
But for now to those who read this, I wish you the best with what you need.?