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Learning to love the void

By ironsnake345

Submission for a weekly writing prompt by Writer's Crossing

---

--> Lol yeah, things have been going pretty great since I moved in. Sure, the culture shock has been a bit harsh, but I've had some time to get used to things around here. I will say though, the memes are accurate.

Aubrey: Seriously? Even that one shitty edit with the rabbit holding the "will bleed for food" sign?

--> I saw literally that sign last week, but it was a mouse girl instead. She got stabbed in the gut. She loved it.

Aubrey: Jesus.

Aubrey: You say it like it's an everyday thing.

--> It's Neon City, gurl, it's an every minute thing around here.

Aubrey: I don't know how you managed to adjust so fast. I think I'd vomit if I saw another anthro getting killed. No wait, I would vomit; I just remembered seeing Tommy after he fell off that bridge and split his head open aaaaa

--> You need a moment?

Aubrey: No no, it's fine. It's been a while, I can numb myself to that stuff. Still shakes me up every now and then though. Seriously though, how DID you get so used to this stuff so fast?

--> Well, I might not be as used to it as you think. See, this city has lots of places the locals call "easy street" where things have a tendancy to be a bit tamer than the majority of the city, and I've been living in an easy street neighborhood. Mostly all I see around here is anthros in skimpy clothing, maybe a boob or two. Only ever saw someone getting snuffed on the street once, and it was for an event.

--> Also, I had help, but that's a long story. And it might be a bit gruesome for your tastes.

Aubrey: Nah, nah, it's fine. I've got time.

Aubrey: Plus, I haven't eaten recently lol

--> You sure?

Aubrey: You bet. Now spill the beans, Rae, I wanna hear the story@

Aubrey: *story!

--> Well, if you insist. I told you I met this cool guy at work and we hit it off, right? Big german shepherd?

Aubrey: Yeah, what was his name again, Bryce?

--> Bruce. Anyway yeah, I've been hitting it off with Bruce, and we've been dating for a while. Of course, it being Neon City, it didn't take me long to realize he's into some weird stuff.

Aubrey: He didn't poison you, did he?

--> I mean kind of??? I'm getting to that part.

Aubrey: Do go on.

--> So anyway, I think it was fourth date, we've already hooked up twice, and he talks about getting a bit exploratative, trying some new things, but he's all "I get if you don't wanna jump right in, this is probably pretty crazy for you." And, in the moment, I agreed with him, because I was still kinda scared of all the deadly stuff that goes on in the city.

--> He brings up the topic of a few basic things. You know, the standards; anal, light bondage, that sort of thing. Then he mentions he's pretty into snuff, and I'm sitting there like, I'm not surprised, but I'm still not sure how to react. So he goes "You look pretty nervous. You know, we don't have to do anything odd if you don't wanna."

Aubrey: What a gentleman.

--> On one hand, I'm relieved, but on the other, I'm kinda curious. I mean, it's got to be popular for a reason, right? So, in that moment, I get the GENIOUS idea to ask him, "Why do so many people like snuff anyhow?"

Aubrey: Wow. That's like something out of a bad rom-com.

--> Right? But anyway, he says something I don't think I'll ever forget. "It varies from person to person, but I like it because it's exhilarating. When you die, you get to have a brush with what nothing feels like - not what it's like to not feel anything, but what it's like to feel nothingness itself - and that little brush is like kissing the void. Then you wake up, and everything's back the way it should be."

--> He could tell I looked interested, so he reached into his pocket, and he gave me three little pink pills, and he said, "No pressure, but if you decide you want to try it out, these are good for beginners. Take one, then relax; they're so gentle you can barely tell you're dying. Don't worry about wasting them, they're cheep as shit."

Aubrey: He gives you that fucking poem about kissing the void and then just goes "these are cheap as shit lol"????

--> I know, right? I nearly pissed myself laughing in that moment.

Aubrey: So did you take the pills?

--> Yeah, but it took me like a week to finally make up my mind.

--> I spent the whole week at work wondering what he meant by feeling nothing, wondering what it's like to kiss the void, all that junk. But I was also super scared of dying, so I didn't take the pills.

--> Finally, Friday rolls around, and I'm just like. "Okay... It's no big deal. Furs are dying all the time around here, right? He said it's so gentle I can barely tell I'm dying... I probably won't even realize I died until I wake up and my body's right there. Yeah, this is gonna be fine."

--> I kept telling myself that last line, like I was gonna believe it. I didn't, but I had myself convinced enough that I managed to very shakily swallow that little pink poison capsule.

Aubrey: So you just fuckin killed yourself?

--> Yep.

Aubrey: What happened next?

--> Next I felt kinda drowsy, so I got naked, climbed in bed, and went to sleep. But I didn't dream.

--> Next thing I knew I was in bed, trying to catch my breath. It was morning, I missed my Saturday alarm, and I had a cold sweat going.

Aubrey: You have an alarm for Saturdays?

--> Duh. I don't wanna miss the fun stuff.

--> Also I love how you hear about me waking up from my first time dying and that's what you think about.

Aubrey: Well by all means, Rae, do go on.

--> So I'm lying in bed, on top of the covers, calming myself down, taking a moment to run through where I am and what's going on. It was really disorienting; I had to piece together from a literally blank slate what day it was, where I was, every part of the context. That's when I felt something beside me, under the covers.

Aubrey: What'd you do?

--> I looked, duh. If I had any doubt what was going on, it was gone there. That was my corpse. I had honestly expected to be a bit more rattled looking at it, but I dunno, it was kinda like looking at a 3D photograph. Fascinating, but not all that shocking.

--> In hindsight, I was probably distracted with the fact that there was a massive hole in my mind from when I went to sleep last night to just now, when I was waking up. It was so weird. It felt like I didn't exist for a moment, and now suddenly I did exist again. It was scarry, and kinda thrilling.

Aubrey: So you mean it was a scarring experience, or it was scary

--> Scary, derp. Thanks, spellcheck. Never there when you need me, always there when I donut.

Aubrey: You so faked that one.

--> I might have.

--> Anyway, I knew in that moment what Bruce meant by kissing the void. After about twenty minutes laying in bed, calmly panicking over what a crazy-mc-hazy experience I just had, I realize something very important: I am really hungry right now.

Aubrey: Instant hash browns?

--> You know it. And as I'm sitting down to eat, I have some time to calm down and think, and I realize that dying was, as I said, kinda thrilling. Then I remember hey, I've still got two pills left, and a whole weekend to myself.

Aubrey: So you killed yourself again?

--> So I killed myself again.

--> This time, it was way easier to take the pill. I tried to stay awake, too. After a few minutes, I started to feel kinda drowsy. A minute later, I had trouble keeping my eyes open. One more minute, I couldn't think straight, could barely see, and not long after that I lost my balance, hit the floor, and blacked out.

--> I woke up in bed again, this time not eight hours later (it was more like two) and it was back to being flung into existence, waking up trying to catch my breath. But it was way, way quicker for me to calm down this time.

--> I got to focus a bit more on what it was like to "kiss the void" and god damn, it was amazing.

Aubrey: I'll be sure to let everyone know that the void is a good kisser.

--> Honestly, I felt kinda heated the second time. Like, it made me kinda wet when I woke up.

Aubrey: Seriously??? Death made you horny???

--> It kinda did, yeah. And that's when I got a brilliant idea. In that moment, I decided I'd take the third pill, and try to get myself off while I was fading.

Aubrey: Omg whaaaaaaaat

Aubrey: You died twice and all of a sudden you were like "hey this is actually really fun!"

--> I mean, it wasn't associated with some traumatic and painful injury I had as a child or nothing so...?

Aubrey: You need to stop hanging out with first year psych majors.

--> I'll psychoanalyze myself however the hell I want to!

Aubrey: God damn it, you just made me wake Lucy up by laughing. Hang on, I gotta feed the ferals.

--> Take your time.

Aubrey: Ok, back. So, let me guess. Now you're going to talk about what it was like masturbating while you were dying of poison.

--> Do you not want to hear it?

Aubrey: Fuck no, this is just getting interesting.

--> Whatever you say, soul sista.

--> You remember that horse vibrator I got while we were in college?

Aubrey: How deep you go?

--> To the fuckin base.

--> The moment I got the idea I popped the last pill, grabbed the dildo, sat down on my bed, and jammed it in. I was going like I had a time limit and it was fucking exciting.

Aubrey: How was it when the pill kicked in?

--> I was still horny as fuck and leaking all over my sheets, but when the pill started kicking in I kinda started fading. I was half-conscious, all that feeling down there getting mixed-up and blurry. It was surreal.

--> Right before I lost consciousness, I squirted like a fire hydrant. I remember my eyes rolling back, squealing out loud, and then nothing.

--> When I woke up the third time, there wasn't any of the initial gasping and mild panic from the first two. I took a deep breath, and opened my eyes. It was so serene. And satisfying, especially with an intense verge-of-dying orgasm fresh on my mind.

--> I kinda wanted to do it again, but I was out of pills, and I was too scared and/or unequipped to try any other method. It was just so easy with poison like that. Ropes and knives and shit are a lot harder.

Aubrey: You do realize you're officially a snuff slut at this point, right?

--> Yeah, pretty much. Which is why I chatted Bruce up about it later. He was interested to hear about my experiences, and even offered to introduce me to a plastic bag next weekend. (Which is this weekend FYI. Super excited!)

Aubrey: So he's just gonna fuckin kill you?

--> Yup, and it's because I asked him to. I'm gonna let him, and I'm gonna love it~

Aubrey: You really are fitting into Neon City pretty well.

Aubrey: What's a plastic bag got to do with dying, anyhow?

"Hey Raechel! You here?"

That was Bruce's voice. Raechel looked up from her phone. She could see his familiar shadow cast out into her front hall, and the faint sound of crinkling plastic could be heard. She called back to him, to make her presence known.

"Yeah Bruce, I'm here! Just chatting with Aubrey a bit, I'll be right there."

--> Let's just say I can't breathe through plastic. Anyways, he just showed up, so I'm gonna be a good host, and if that winds up with me dead today, hooray :3

Aubrey: Have fun, snuff slut. <3