The Diaper Kush
The local shopping market was set to close at midnight, but that didn't stop Tobey from picking up a few things.
Dressed in an oversized red t-shirt and black-colored jeans, the 20-something yellow bunny walked into the store with bloodshot eyes. Reeking of the stench of marijuana, Tobey wandered around the aisles, picking up some goods and "munchies." For minutes at a time, Tobey walked around aimlessly, forgetting what he wanted to buy and why he was even there. Once he reached a part of an aisle that had all the candy, Tobey's eyes opened up and he jogged toward a barrel full of milk chocolate bars on sale. As one of the employees, a lemur, mopped the floor at the end of the aisle, Tobey unwrapped a chocolate bar and started eating it in front of the lemur. The employee set his mop aside, crossed his arms and glared at the bunny, who now had chocolate all over his mouth.
Tobey looked over and saw the lemur who looked agitated.
"Sup, dude?" said Tobey to the lemur.
"Not much, just watching a customer eat some of our inventory," replied a whimsical Roger.
"Ever heard of try before you buy? Like if I didn't try it, I wouldn't buy it, but now that I tried, I'll think about buying it."
Roger realized that Tobey was under the influence. The bunny spoke slowly with an apparent drawl. To his surprise, Roger noticed the bunny was unphased by his presence as he continued eating the chocolate bar.
"This is real good," said Tobey, pointing to the bar. He chewed on the chocolate and swallowed. "Want to have some?"
"Sir, I would love to have some with you except that we're about to close in a minute and you haven't paid for that bar, and--"
"Whatever. The customer is always right and I'm still a customer. I'll pay for the fuckin' bar when I go to checkout. Seriously, just chill."
Roger's mood was going downhill very fast. He wanted to clock out of his shift and go home, but he and the rest of the employees couldn't close shop until Tobey finished going through checkout. The lemur bit his lip and rolled his eyes before walking up to the bunny.
"Tell you what," said Roger in a terse tone. "Since the customer is always right and we're just lowly minions whose sole purpose is to serve you, I will be here to assist you and get everything you need so that, well, we can go home and go to sleep. Sound reasonable?"
Tobey nodded and smiled at Roger. He finished the candy bar and chuckled. "This is sweet. I have my own assistant! Okay, follow me. I must find the Cheetos!" Impersonating a soldier's near-mechanical movements, Tobey marched toward the snacks aisle. Roger followed behind him with the mop, looking at the back of Roger's head and ears with an exasperated expression. Suddenly, Tobey stopped at an aisle and looked down. The bunny scratched his head and looked at a product labeled, "Protective Underwear."
"Hey, hey, um--"
"Roger."
"Hey Roger, what the heck is that?" said Tobey, pointing at the bag of "Protective Underwear." Roger raised an eyebrow and walked over to where the bag was placed. The lemur picked it up and tossed it to the bunny, who barely managed to catch it. The bag felt soft.
"It is what it says. Do you want it? I mean, it's okay if you have medical reasons to have it, I guess." Roger was at a loss of words. He knew exactly what it was. The term "protective underwear" was a known euphemism for adult diapers. The word "diapers" isn't used since the label would likely deter embarrassed, potential customers from buying it. The packaging had the label in big letters with a tiny picture of the diaper expanded out. Underneath "Protective Underwear," it said "Maximum Absorbancy, 14 ct."
"What medical reasons?" asked Tobey.
"Let's see how I was describe it to you in words that you can understand. People, like senior citizens, need protection and--"
"This is like... condoms for seniors? Woah, that's nasty!" shouted Tobey as he dropped the bag of diapers on the floor.
"No, it's basically diapers for adults." To Roger's surprise, Tobey picked up the bag again and looked at the illustration of the diaper.
"Oh, okay. Wow, neat."
"So wait, the whole 'condom for seniors' part was gross to you but knowing the fact that these are adult diapers isn't?" Roger snapped.
"Okay, so let's say I was out and I was with friends... and so I have to go, right? And I can be all like, 'I don't give a shit,' and I don't have to get up? Nice."
"Are you going to get it or not? It's ten past midnight, man," said Roger, who was visibly irked. He crossed his arms and paced back and forth while Tobey deliberated.
"Hold on, let me try this on."
Roger couldn't believe his ears. He was looking for the hidden cameras to see if he was on some prank show. The lemur was in disbelief. An employee called Roger from the front of the store and the lemur swiftly walked to the checkout. When he arrived at the checkout, Roger was told to cash out his drawer and count out his earnings. The lemur pulled out a key from his pocket and opened his drawer with it. Then he carried the drawer to the back office, happily whistling to himself. The lemur felt relieved that he no longer had to tend to the pothead in aisle number four.
When Roger finished calculating his earnings, he heard someone from outside the office say, "We got a problem." The lemur rose from his chair, sped past the meat locker, sidestepped the deli counter and ran toward the front of the store. There stood Tobey at the checkout with his shirt, but he was sporting a diaper instead of pants. Roger's jaw dropped. Was he dreaming? Was this some cruel joke? Was this a message from God, telling him that his work at the grocery store wasn't worth the $7.50 an hour? He looked down and noticed a substantial puddle of piss that gathered underneath the bunny. The leg gathers gave way and the piss poured from the diaper, creating a consistently loud clapping noise on the shiny white floor. Tobey saw Roger and then he looked down at his soiled diaper, which was severely damp. The bunny had leaked his store-brand diaper in one wetting.
"It doesn't work. Can I have a refund?" asked Tobey innocently while rubbing his nose. The rest of the employees remained silent in shock. After a short while, there was chuckling. The bunny blushed, finally realizing that he was behaving badly, but it wasn't all that bad. It was a cold night -- so having a thick, warm, wet diaper wrapped around the waist was a bit refreshing. Unfortunately, at a time when the employees were desparate to clock out and head home, one of the customers helplessly urinates on the floor. The bunny was mildly humiliated, but he was still stoned -- and it effectively undercut any panic or frustration that he would normally have with himself.
Roger started seeing red.
"What the Hell is wrong with you? Why are you doing this?" shouted the lemur angrily.
"Try before you buy, man... but dude, I'm so, so sorry. I, uh..."
"Get out." Roger pointed to the exit of the store. "Get the fuck out, so help me God."
With his pants riding at his ankles, Tobey frowned and looked down on the ground as he waddled out of the store. Roger took a deep breath, sighed, and waved goodbye sarcastically.
"Have a good night!" said Roger before he was nudged by a fellow employee in the elbow. The other employee, an equine -- who also happened to be the leader of the night shift -- looked at Roger with a disappointed expression on his face. The lemur opened his mouth and looked up at the towering horse, who wasn't at all pleased with his behavior.
"You are such an asshole, Roger," said the horse.
"He... no, did you see what he did? He's a freak!" said Roger, defending himself.
"Don't you have any compassion at all for the mentally handicapped?"
"He's not mentally handicapped! He's as high as a kite!"
"And you're sending this obviously disabled individual out to the street in his condition? You might as well file your two-week notice now."
Roger was boiling. He wanted to throw his uniform in the trash can and quit right then and there, but when he looked at the other employees, he discovered that they all lowered their eyebrows at the lemur. They shook their hands and urged the lemur to go after the bunny because it would be "the right thing to do." Roger rolled his eyes and reluctantly walked out of the store. Outside, he caught up to Tobey, who was only three feet away from the store.
"Hey, cottontail!" said Roger as he spoke in a semi-conciliatory tone. "I wanted to apologize for being mean to you back there." A few cars drove by in the parking lot out in front of the grocery store. Some of the drivers pointed at the diapered rabbit, laughing hysterically while others gawked at the guy as if they were staring at a scene of a gruesome accident. Fortunately, the only accident happened in Tobey's diaper.
"Nah, man. I feel like crap about it. I won't bother you anymore," said a depressed Tobey who looked back at Roger and smiled. The tone of the rabbit's voice softened Roger. The lemur took a deep breath and placed his hand on the rabbit's shoulder. Then, he smelled something funny. Roger lifted his nose in the air before hearing a suspect, grumbling noise coming from the back of Tobey's diaper. "No, please don't tell me you..." Roger took two steps back as he noticed some fresh lumps forming around the diapered bunny's rear end.
"Ahhhhh, that felt good!" said Tobey. Roger started feeling the urge to knock the bunny unconscious, but he knew that he would wind up in prison if he were to follow through on that inclination. Roger formed a fist, but then he quickly loosened up his hand and felt pity for Tobey.
"Did you drive here?" asked Roger.
"No, I walked."
"Get in the car. I can't have you seen like this." Roger walked Tobey over to his small car. The lemur disabled his car alarm, popped open a trunk, took out a towel and set it down in the backseat. He opened up the door for the bunny who sat on the towel with a squish. Roger opened up his door, slid into the driver's seat and he drove out of the parking lot.
"Thanks for the lift, Roger. You're such a good friend."
"I'm not your friend," said Roger while biting down on his teeth.
Ignoring Roger's last comment, Tobey muttered to Roger, "It's like we've known each other for so long."
Showing signs of an impending nervous breakdown, the lemur's body started to twitch. Roger turned off of the main street in town to a residential neighborhood near the store. Then Roger slammed on the breaks and turned around to face Tobey who was playing the air drums, humming a song to himself. Then Tobey looked up, saw Roger, and was immediately frightened. The lemur had a devilish grin on his face and his eyes were open wide. He looked at the towel underneath Tobey, which was already soaking wet.
"How about I duck tape you to the backseat, drive one hundred miles an hour off a cliff and I bail out of the car before it reaches the air? You will fall to your death while the car bursts out in flames. I'll just tell the cops you jacked my car, drove it off a cliff and I forget that this night ever happened, okay?" said Roger.
"Or you can smoke the sticky and chill," said Tobey, who offered the frustrated lemur a joint. Roger looked at the bunny, then at the weed. He was clearly reaching his wit's end.
An hour later, Roger's car was parked in a forest area. Music by Black Sabbath could be heard coming through his car stereo. In the backseat, Roger sat with Tobey. In a strange turn of events, both males were wearing diapers. Roger was laughing, making silly faces at Tobey. The bunny leaned back against the car door and exhaled smoke.
"Good thing we went back to get the bag, right?" said Roger. "Man, this is wacky shit right here. What's it called?"
"Diaper Kush."