FSE

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Kenneth was nervous, but he'd been worse during the past few days.

It was cold in the terrace of the café where he was sitting. Heavy rain had been hitting the whole country in the last weeks, and even though it wasn't raining right now, the weather wasn't getting any warmer. At least the white tiger got to smell the wet soil and feel the chilly caress of the wind on his fur, even though those weren't things that he found particularly enjoyable at that point. It was the first time he'd left his apartment since the accident - if it could be called like that - had happened. A mere week ago.

It had been difficult to get some sleep, let alone calm the unforgiving guilt that leapt on him whenever he closed his eyes. The worst thing had been getting used to the feeling that he didn't really deserve to feel bad after what he'd done. He wasn't the victim. Kenneth knew that much and he would never, ever stop repeating that to himself. That was the only thing he could do for Fosk at that point, or at least that was what he thought.

The black wolf had sent him a message, two days ago. It had taken Kenneth a few minutes to gather enough courage to read it. He wasn't sure if it had been better or worse than he had imagined, since all kinds of scenarios had gone through his mind. In the end, Fosk just wanted to meet him and talk about things. After all they'd gone through, he said in his message, clarifying things was the least they could do. He didn't want to just stop talking to Kenneth from one day to another.

Which implied, of course, that he preferred doing it gradually.

Kenneth knew how some bad people worked. Sometimes, when bad people hurt others, they made everything in their hand to keep them around and make it seem as if they deserved "another chance". That way, they could reassure themselves thinking that what they'd done wasn't that bad and that they weren't such horrible people after all, if the person they'd hurt was willing to forgive them.

Kenneth had tried not to do that, no matter how hard he wanted to beg for Fosk's forgiveness, because he didn't want to become that kind of person. But the wolf had been the one who had asked him to meet and talk and he simply hadn't been able to resist.

He needed to see him again. And make sure he was... alright.

So when Fosk appeared in the distance, wearing a long cream-colored raincoat, he could feel himself getting more and more nervous. He didn't want to screw things up again and he was certain that he'd already hurt the wolf enough, so after thinking about it for a whole night, he'd decided that he wouldn't accept Fosk's forgiveness even if it was offered to him. Then, he'd thought that the fact that he was already thinking about that possibility meant that he was expecting it, and that had made him feel even worse.

There was a cold wind in the park, but the sun was shining.

"Hey," said Fosk, slowly waving at him before sitting down. He gave him a weak, decaffeinated smile. "Sorry to keep you waiting. I missed one bus."

"Don't worry." Kenneth shifted on his seat, a bit uncomfortable. The black wolf shouldn't be the one apologizing, but doing that himself at that very moment didn't seem like the best idea.

He'd been trying to think about the words he should say, staring at the ceiling in the darkness of his room, but he hadn't found anything. Fortunately for him, the waitress stepped closer and asked them what they wanted to drink, breaking the silence and allowing the tiger to think about his next move for a few precious seconds.

They both said they'd have a latte and then, when the waitress left, their conversation went back to being completely dead. Kenneth noticed Fosk was trying to hold his gaze, like waiting for him to begin, but he felt... intimidated. And it didn't feel right to say the first word, anyway.

"You look terrible," the wolf said, in the end.

"I didn't sleep much last night," Kenneth explained, rubbing his temple.

"Neither did I. But I look better."

The white tiger tried to smile.

"Listen, Fosk..." he began, hesitantly. "I know I don't deserve to say this, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. What happened that last day... I... I just don't know what happened to me. I shouldn't have done that and you have every right to be angry."

Fosk tilted his head. There was a slightly annoyed gleam in his eyes.

"I don't need you to say that. I already know I have every right to be angry."

Kenneth shuddered, freezing momentarily upon hearing those words. The wolf looked away for a few seconds and then his gaze moved back to the white tiger in front of him. He seemed to be thinking about something and, despite what he'd just said, he didn't look angry. Not as angry as he should have been, anyway.

"I still want to apologize," the white tiger muttered after a few seconds.

"Apologies accepted," Fosk said. His expression seemed to soften a bit. "I know you're not a bad person and I'm pretty sure you regret what you did. Which doesn't mean I'll forget it happened, because that wouldn't be fair."

"I know."

"I asked you to meet here because I wanted to see you again and say that to you," the black wolf admitted, biting his lower lip. "That I don't hate you, but I still think I shouldn't ignore what happened. And I won't."

Kenneth nodded. Then, their coffees came and both drank from their paper cups in silence. The white tiger looked around as he took a small sip. Fosk had chosen that specific café to talk with him because it was in the same park they'd visited in their first date. He highly doubted that was a coincidence, or that the wolf had decided to meet him there in order to punish him. No, he was sure Fosk just wanted to be in a familiar place.

And it made sense that they were having coffee, too. Their story had begun with coffee, and now it had to end the same way.

"How's your job going?" the black wolf asked, then. It seemed he was also looking for the right words to say, or for any possible way to spark conversation during those uncomfortable silences.

"Oh, I don't receive clients anymore," the white tiger said, shrugging. "It's probably not definitive, though. I just want to make sure I... understand myself and control myself better before I go back to doing that. I just... don't want anyone to go through the same situation because of me and I think there's so much I have to think about."

Fosk looked at him, deep in thought. He took another sip from his cup of coffee and then sighed.

"When I met you, you looked so laid-back. The kind of person that doesn't worry too much because they think they have everything under control." He paused for an instant. "But it took me a while to understand that you weren't like that. That's just the image you project for people, right? But there's so much more. And I didn't realize that until we had our first date."

Kenneth didn't speak.

"I'm still not sure if I know you," the black wolf continued. "I think you have your own things to deal with. And I may never get to know what they are, after all."

"That depends on you," the white tiger said, momentarily giving into a painful twinge of hope.

Fosk frowned. Then, he focused his attention on the plastic spoon resting on his cup and stirred the coffee, absent-mindedly.

"No," he said softly after a few seconds. Kenneth had never seen a sadder smile. "You know as much as I do that it depended on you."

The white tiger felt those words slowly bringing him back to reality and he couldn't help but nod.

"You... you're right," he admitted. "Don't take this wrong, but you hardly seem the nervous wolf that I once received in my apartment, thinking that things beyond his control were his fault."

"People change," Fosk said, shrugging.

"I know. I just... hadn't realized until now."

The tiger took another sip of coffee and then let out a long sigh, letting his eyes wander between the trees, towards the lake he knew was hidden, somewhere. Fosk's words were carrying away his anxiety and worries, but at the same time, they were covering everything with a heavy, inescapable sadness.

Things were about to end, or at least, that was how Kenneth felt. And he knew that was how things were supposed to be, and he knew that it was justified, and he knew that it was his fault... But the fact that things were never ever going to be the same terrified him. He understood the situation, but he still wasn't ready to accept it.

"Do you think we could be friends, in the future?" he asked then, feeling terrible. "You know, just friends. I know it's bold of me to ask, but..."

"It's bold of you to ask, yes," Fosk admitted, with a bit of an accusatory look. For an instant, the white tiger was afraid he had screwed things up again. "I don't know. I can't see the future, Kenneth. I don't know where any of us will be in a few years. What I can tell you is that I don't think I should continue seeing you like this, or at your apartment. I'm not... going to risk going through the same situation, even if you promise me it'll never happen again. I said I think you're a good person, and I mean it, but I don't trust your... instincts, or whatever that was."

"Understandable," Kenneth whispered, nodding.

"You probably know that I think the best thing for any of us is to stop seeing each other," Fosk said. "And I know you understand that, too. I think that's how things should be, at least for now."

"Yeah." Kenneth looked up, feeling a lump in his throat. "It must have hurt so much. I'll never forgive myself for making you go through that again."

Fosk opened his mouth to say something and the white tiger guessed he was about to give him another irritated remark, but then the black wolf seemed to consider it. He looked away and remained quiet for a few seconds.

"I... don't think you did the same thing Mark did. Mark is my ex," he explained, when he noticed Kenneth's confused look. He'd forgotten his ex-therapist wasn't good at remembering names. "I've been thinking about it and... He wanted a very specific thing that I couldn't give him. But you wanted something more... general. You wanted everything, really. His goal was sex, yours was control. And in a way, and even if it sounds weird, control didn't feel so... bad. For a long time, it felt good."

"I see," Kenneth said.

"But then you turned in the other direction, and maybe I should have known you would." Fosk shrugged. "But I trusted you."

"I know."

"So, maybe it doesn't hurt as bad as it hurt with Mark, because now I know it wasn't my fault, and that the fact that I refused to... do that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. You helped me see that," the black wolf continued, looking at his empty cup of coffee. "But even if the pain is a lot more bearable, yes. You hurt me. And I don't think I should just let it go."

He finished those words and, at that very moment, Kenneth knew there wasn't anything else the wolf needed to say to him. The strange, horrifying feeling of void filled him for a few seconds and he felt dizzy. He knew that was the right thing to do, but still...

He loved Fosk so much, and he knew the wolf had loved him, too. It just felt so wrong to let that end there, even if it was because of something he'd done. And he had the impulse to fight, and argue, but he knew that doing so wouldn't be right or empathic or fair for the black wolf.

Fosk was right. Letting it go would have been a mistake.

The waitress came and each of them paid for their coffee, in silence. Kenneth found himself wishing their meeting would end, and at the same time he just wanted it to go on and on. But the black wolf stood up, putting his wallet back into one of the pockets in his raincoat, and he felt forced to do the same. The following seconds felt a bit weird, as both walked away from the table and towards the main path that meandered through the park. Fosk still hadn't said goodbye to him, but at the same time, everything about that moment felt like goodbye, so Kenneth didn't know what to do.

The rustling sounds of leaves were filling the park and, at some point, Fosk stopped and turned to him. He looked into his eyes and Kenneth noticed they were shining as if the wolf was fighting back tears right there.

"But we had fun, didn't we?" the wolf said, with a thin voice. He gave him a small, weak smile. "The time we spent together. It was nice. I liked it a lot."

"Yeah," Kenneth agreed. It was then when he realized he'd been feeling like he was about to cry for a long time, too. "It was amazing."

"And we had two wonderful dates," the wolf insisted, putting his paws in his pockets. He looked slightly happy as he held the tiger's gaze for a few seconds, reminiscing. "It's going to be very difficult to top that."

"Yes. Our first date was mostly planned by you, so..." Kenneth paused. "Yes."

They were still looking at each other for a while before Fosk began walking away, turning his back to him. Kenneth walked just a few steps behind, in silence, but it soon became apparent that the wolf hadn't expected him to do that when he turned around and gave a puzzled, slightly irritated look. The white tiger froze, until a realization seemed to hit the mind of his closest ex-client.

"Oh, right," Fosk muttered, blinking a few times. "You're walking to the bus stop, too."

"Yes," Kenneth answered.

The wolf hesitated for a few seconds, as if trying to decide whether he believed the tiger's words or not. Then, when Kenneth was about to turn away and walk in the opposite direction, he chuckled. It wasn't a particularly happy laugh. It wasn't optimistic, either. But that timid display of enthusiasm was contagious and, even though tears were still threatening to come out, Kenneth chuckled with the wolf and soon their soft, contained laughter replaced the heavy silence.

There was a cold wind in the park, but the sun was shining. Two figures walked together between the trees, in the cold of an afternoon as bittersweet as coffee.

And even though none of them knew if they'd see each other again, they had the feeling that things, in the end, would be alright.