FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

For two weeks, things were quiet at I.M.P. Save for the occasional client off the street, or the odd job from Stolas (the latter accompanied by many thirsty calls and texts), the sudden surge of work had tapered off. Drek hadn't called to arrange for a contract in some time, and the group of assassins were beginning to worry.

Blitzø, however, had other concerns. "M&M! Loonie! Meet me in the conference room!" He shouted into his bullhorn, "I've got a surprise for you!"

His three employees filed into the conference room to find him standing by the table, practically bouncing with excitement. A large object covered in a sheet took up the center of the table.

"Everyone, say hello to the future of advertising TODAY!" Blitzø proclaimed as he yanked the sheet away. Standing proudly on the table was a shiny, metallic, three foot sculpture of an erect phallus, with a massive pair of testicles for good measure.

The room was deathly quiet for at least a full minute. Millie and Moxxie looked stunned, and Loona spared the sculpture the briefest of glances before scoffing in disgust and going back to her phone. Finally, the silence was broken.

"Sir? That's a penis," Moxxie deadpanned.

"Correctamundo!" chirped Blitzø, "But it's not just any penis. This here is a blown up replica of my penis." He preened cheerfully as he leaned over and rested a hand on the veiny shaft. "I think it turned out pretty good!"

"BLITZ WHAT THE FUCK?!" shouted Loona as she threw her hands up, sending her phone flying across the room. "No, just no! You're fucking gross, and I'm taking the rest of today off." The Hellhound stormed out of the room without another word.

"Okay, see you at home!" Blitzø called after her. He moseyed over to pick up Loona's phone, then he turned to Millie and Moxxie. Millie appeared surprised and slightly intrigued. Moxxie was just as wide-eyed as his wife, but his small body was quivering. His face was contorted into some sort of scowl that conveyed a blend of horror, disgust, and rage.

"You...you..." Moxxie growled in a strangled voice. Suddenly, the scowl left the little imp's face, and it melted into one of unnerving calm. "Let me get this straight. You took the earnings from Mr. Harper's contracts, and spent them all on a giant, platinum replica of your own dick?"

"Well, not all of them. He did remind me to pay you guys first!" Blitzø replied.

Moxxie steepled his fingers and pressed them to his lips. "And how, exactly, is a giant metal casting of your penis supposed to work as a marketing ploy?"

"Ah right, I forgot you'd be a little too slow to figure it out, so I'll walk you through it," Blitzø gestured with both hands to the penile sculpture. "This thing is an analogy. It shows that not only are we gonna FUCK our competition, but we're also gonna FUCK our targets for our clients, who got FUCKED over by them while they were alive."

"Ohhhhhhhh, I get it!" cheered Millie, "That's kinda clever!"

"I - WHAT?!" Moxxie screamed. He took another deep breath and ran his claws through his hair. "Blitzø, I still don't see how this will attract more business."

"Bend over and I'll show ya!"

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!" Moxxie lunged at Blitzø just as his phone rang. Blitzø used one hand to check and answer his phone while the other remained planted on Moxxie's forehead to keep him flailing out of reach.

"Blitzø speaking!" he greeted. "Hey Drek! Good to hear from ya again. It's been awhile!" That got Moxxie to calm down almost immediately. The smaller imp slackened and fell onto his knees, panting heavily. Millie was swift to pull her husband into a warm embrace and stroke his hair.

"Hello Mr. Blitzø," replied Drek, "It has indeed been some time since we spoke, and for good reason. All will become clear in due time."

"Oooh, how mysterious!" said Blitzø, "Is this gonna be like one of those super spy movies?"

That got a chuckle out of the valet. "Not quite, but it is still important. Mr. Harper wishes to meet with you again, this time at his own office. We are sending a car to I.M.P. headquarters to pick you up. Do not keep Mr. Harper waiting."

"Sure thing, Drekster! I'll grab my gear and be out in the parking lot in just a minute."

"Good. Mr. Harper looks forward to seeing you again. Oh, and Mr. Blitzø? Please never call me 'Drekster' again." The valet hung up before Blitzø could offer a retort.

"Well that's weird. Harper wants me to go over to his place this time," he said. Moxxie and Millie exchanged brief glances.

"Um, sir," started Moxxie, "I should probably tell you. The last time Mr. Harper visited the office, he tracked Millie and me down in the break room and asked some questions."

Blitzø cocked his head and raised a brow. "What kind of questions?"

"About...about..." Moxxie buried his head in his hands. "Fuck, we shouldn't have said anything. We should've played dumb. But no, we had to tell him everything!"

"Mox, calm down!" Millie said, "You said yourself it wouldn't be a good idea to try to lie to an Overlord."

"Okay, what did you tell him?" Blitzø demanded. When Moxxie didn't immediately respond, he grabbed him by the shoulders and said louder, "WHAT did you TELL him, Moxxie?"

Unfortunately, Moxxie was beyond words at this point. He hugged himself and curled into a ball, his breaths coming fast and deep. Millie got on her hands and knees to tend to him.

"Mox, look at me. Look at me! Alright, nice and easy now. Breathe in...hold...breathe out." It took a few minutes, but once she was satisfied her husband was out of danger, she looked up at Blitzø, who was tapping his foot impatiently.

"Mr. Harper asked us about your relationship with Stolas," she said, "We told him everything. How you got caught stealing the book, and how he lets you borrow it in exchange for fucking him."

Blitzø sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "God-fucking-dammit, you guys. Don't you know that Harper and Stolas hate each other's guts??? Dad would tell us stories growing up about the turf war they had. He'd always say he was lucky to have survived it."

He paced back and forth in front of his employees, "But I suppose he was gonna find out sooner or later. Nothing short of a miracle Stolas didn't decide to drop in during one of my debriefs with Harper," he paused, then smacked his forehead. "And I did take a phone call from Stolas right in front of him! That's probably why he asked you two about it."

The imp then composed himself and put on a brave face. "Who knows? Harper might not even be mad about this, and he's calling this meeting for some other reasons! Maybe he's getting us a better coffee machine?"

Moxxie made a strange wheezing sound, but was in no condition to talk. Millie spoke for him. "What Mox and I wanna know is why you accepted a contract from Mr. Harper when you knew he and Stolas are enemies?"

"Okay, A: Loonie and I live in his territory, so I really don't wanna say no to him, especially after Loonie was rude to him. And 2: he's got a fuckton of money." He gestured wildly at his newly commissioned penis sculpture for emphasis. "He helped make this happen!"

Blitzø then straightened his coat and strode out of the room. "I'm grabbing my stuff and going down to the parking lot," he called over his shoulder. "Both of you can go home. I'll call you as soon as I'm done meeting with Harper."

Millie helped Moxxie back to his feet, though he still leaned heavily on her. "I guess we should just go home and wait for his call," she said. "You could use the rest, too."

Moxxie nodded weakly, and they both closed up the office for the day, filled with dread and uncertainty.