FSE

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Leo pulled into his home, marveling that the windows were still intact. He turned off the engine, and with prayer, walked up to the porch. Hopefully he still had a bed. He brushed some leaves on the railing before heading on in. The house was cheerily quiet, affording him some calm. His attention snapped to the kitchen. The fridge was ever so slightly open. With a grumble, Leo marched over, shutting it closed. That was when he noticed the crumbs scattered on his table. The mark of a true friend.

A faint sound buzzed from Leo’s bedroom. His fantasy shattered. That was it. There was reality calling to him. Leo walked into his room to find a familiar dark character relaxing on his bed, on his computer, with his earbuds, under his sheets— If he listed any more, he might have an aneurysm. She was facing away from him, not noticing his approach. Though he doubted she would even acknowledge him either way.

“Hey!” he called out. Missy perked up for a moment, but eased back into the bed. Leo moved up to the bed and tapped her on the shoulder. Missy calmly stopped the video, then turned around. There was a pause, then a sly smile.

“So, did’ja do what you needed to at work there, Leo?” Missy asked, pulling the earbuds out of her ears. Those were going straight to the trash. Leo was quick to realize the orange crumbs that trailed from her mouth, down her chest, and onto his sheets. Yeah. Mhmm. Perfect.

Leo nodded. “You could say that, yeah.” He stared at the picture before him for a moment. “Didn’t I ask you to leave before I got back?”

“I didn’t know how long that would take. I look like some kinda psychic?”

“No, you look like a leech to me.”

“I don’t have the teeth for that.” Missy hooked a finger into her mouth, pulling back her mouth an absurd amount to reveal all of her sharp ivories.

Leo held a hand up and winced. “Well, I’m back now. Time for you to leave.” He pointed.

“You’re still on that?” She rolled onto her back. “Where do you expect me to go, Leo? The zoo? Maybe I can live under a bridge like a troll? Scare the local kids for food?”

“Should’ve thought about that before you screwed up with your other bunkmates, huh?”

Missy frowned, nearly baring her fangs. “That wasn’t just me, OK? I already fucking told you.” She shifted on the bed. “How about some common decency for a friend?”

“What do you mean for a friend?! Point to the goddamn friend in this picture because I can’t find them!” Leo pointed to himself. “I should be crowned a Saint for letting you stay a night!”

“Fine!” Missy shot up, crumbs trailing down her body. “What can I do to make this better? What do I need to do get you off my back?”

“Leave.”

“That’s not an option, Leo. I need to do something to live here.” Her expression eased off anger and onto annoyance. “What do you need?”

“Do I look like I need anything?” Leo replied.

“A life, Leo.”

“Don’t act cute.”

“So what, I just can’t stay? Nothing I can possibly do? I can clean up or something! There has to be one thing.”

“I’m perfectly capable of cleaning. I have good hands after all.”

“Low blow, prick,” Missy said, turning her head. “Look. I need to stay here.” Her expression relaxed and she sighed. “If you wanna fuck or something, I’ll do it.”

Leo jerked back, both insulted by the offer and baffled. “Missy, there’s not a chance in hell that’s happening.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“I’ve been serious this whole damn time!”

“You get a girl willing to fuck and you don’t even jump on the offer. I didn’t think you were gay.”

Leo shook his head. “Missy. I’m tired of this. I want to lay down. I don’t want you here.”

Missy crawled over to him and placed her hands on his chest. “I’m good with my mouth, honest!”

“Missy,” he said solemnly.

“Leo, come on! Just a few more days!” Missy shook him. Leo looked into her eyes. Those inky black pits stared back at him. In their depths there was a spattering of green. She did have green eyes when she was younger, didn’t she? “Leo?” Missy shook him again. “Leo, please!” Leo sighed and placed his hands on her wrists, pulling her distended hands off of him. Look at her. What a mess. Her fur was surprisingly softer than he expected, however.

Leo prepared himself for what he was about to say. Saint? I should be the Pope. “Missy. Can I get a promise from you?” he said calmly but firmly. “No jokes. No lies. I need a promise.”

Missy looked down at his hands, then back up to him. “What is it?”

“You need to listen to what I say. This is the only way it’s going to work.”

She furrowed her brow and smiled. “You’re gonna make me your sex sl—” Leo frowned. Missy snapped her maw shut. “And? Then I can stay?”

“That’s entirely up to how you act.” This wasn’t going to work at all. “Now, can you please clean this up and get off my bed?”

Missy looked down at herself, then the bed. “Oh. Oh sure thing boss.” She turned around and placed her hand on the bed, then started sweeping the crumbs off.

“Stop!” Leo paused to collect himself. “Please use the brush and dustpan in the kitchen.” Missy gave a sheepish nod and scampered off. He watched her shift from a crouched gait to a more human one as she left. This was like training a dog, right? A very annoying dog. Leo sat down on his bed and rubbed his eyes. There was a dull bang and a ‘Whoopsie!’ Did she really still say that? Not like you would know, he told himself. She’s been gone for a long time. Too long.

Missy ran back in, almost skipping as she rounded the bed and daintily brushed up her mess. It was sloppy, but it would have to do. There was an odd feeling of exploitation as he realized he was having a naked runaway woman clean up the mess. He’d have to order her clothes. “How’s that? Huh? Am I good maid or what?” Missy said.

“Or what,” Leo replied. Missy grumbled. “Toss that out.” He looked back to the doorway. “You get the couch.” There was a clatter. Leo turned around to see what it was, but was instantly smothered in fuzzy fur. An odd bark sounded through him from her.

“Oh wow! See, I knew you were the guy! I knew we’d still be friends! Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is gonna be great!” Leo tapped on her side, causing her to pull back. “What a cool guy, Leo Lion! That’s you!” He looked to the ground to find the cleaning implements discarded and the crumbs scattered on the floor. Leo pointed at the brush and dustpan. “Oops.” Missy cleaned up her second mess.

“Don’t screw it up.” Leo looked directly into Missy’s eyes. “Please.”

“Don’t worry about it. I got this.”

“I need to change.”

“Yeah, I was thinking that. You are a little mean.”

“Clothes, Missy.”

“Oh. Ohhhhhhh.” Missy nodded. “Privacy, right. I’ll give you that.” She tottered out of the room, politely closing the door behind her with a smile. Leo collapsed on his bed, trying to ignore the horrible choice he just made. The man rolled onto his side to look at his computer. Still seemed intact at least. Listening to music on YouTube? Really? Leo shut his laptop, then rounded up the earbud cables. Once that was done, he quietly stowed the tainted tech away under his bed and fell on top of the covers. He didn’t even have the energy to bother undressing. He closed his eyes.

_

Leo woke up to find his room surprisingly untouched. The light in the room hadn’t changed much, so he must not have been out for too long. He looked over to the door. While his body wanted to move, what could he really do? Missy wasn’t someone he wanted to deal with right now, especially since he had just given her free reign to live here. With him. How are you going to whip that carnivore into shape? Treats? Dog whistle? Sex? Leo shook his head. Don’t be stupid. He couldn’t do that.

It wasn’t as though Missy were ugly. She had always been cute in her own way, despite her more... extreme features. It just felt wrong. She was too familiar, not quite family but on the periphery of a big part of his life. It was too big, actually. Leo rubbed his arm. He sat up quickly. Plus, she wasn’t human. Who would even have a go at her like that? Well, if she was so easy to offer it, then... The thought annoyed him. Not only that she would offer it, but someone would take it. Better that she was here then, right? Fuck. Maybe it was.

Leo stood up and shuffled over to the door. This was becoming a bad routine. He peeked through to find Missy on the couch, watching television. Her head snapped back at him and she waved. Leo quickly shut the door, along with his eyes. That was going to take some time to get used to. Thank Christ she couldn’t use door knobs. So what now? Actually try and be personable or sit in your room and do nothing? Both were terrible options. His stomach rumbled. It dawned on him that he skipped breakfast, lunch, and was now hurtling toward dinner. Reality was always there to push him back into line.

Calmly opening the door, Leo strode out into the hallway. He made sure to close the door. “So you got anything planned for dinner?” Missy said, not turning her attention from the visual drug in front of her. So now she was a mind reader too.

“Not particularly,” Leo replied.

“What kinda man are you?”

“A slim one.” Leo walked over to the kitchen. He noticed Missy was watching some cheesy action movie from the 90’s. Lord above help him if she decided to started mimicking anything she saw on television. Leo opened the fridge to find it surprisingly untouched, though that made sense since most of the easily consumable junk food was stowed away in cabinets. He looked through his array of foods and settled on making a simple sandwich for now. Nothing too fancy lest it catches Missy’s attention. Leo set out the ingredients and turned around, nearly jumping out of his skin as he did so. Missy was there, already examining him. “Christ,” Leo said, placing a hand on his chest.

“Your hearing is that bad, huh?” Missy replied, looking over at his ingredients.

“Don’t give me a heart attack. You’re already taking years off my life.” Leo shook his head and returned to his meal making.

“What’cha got there?” Missy said, sidling up to him. “Sandwich? Looking good.”

“Unless you can make one, you’re not getting one.”

“Psh, I’m not hungry. Already went through your box of cheezits.” Leo shut his eyes and struggled to keep his mouth shut. “Nah, I just wanna see what you’re doing,” Missy said.

“There’s a flatscreen over there you’re neglecting.” Leo pointed back. He started slathering up the bread with condiments.

“I’ve seen Escape from New York ten times already, I can deal with it. Cool stereo system by the way. I thought you were a super square, but that’s some good gear.”

“Yeah?” Leo said mindlessly, focusing on the sweet release of food.

“You’re gonna put muenster on that?” Missy asked, her large finger pointing at and coming dangerously close to his food.

“Yes. Yes I am.” Leo continued. He nudged the plate away from her.

Missy leaned in. “Ham too? Haven’t you heard of turkey? I know you’re not poor. You can afford the stuff.”

Leo calmly placed his butter knife down. “Why are you here, exactly?”

“Hey, woah, I was just over here to check on my good friend Leo.” She placed her hands on his shoulders. He watched her spindly fingers drape over his chest. “My savior.”

“Savior Leo would just like to get a little food right now, OK?” he replied with a half baked smile.

Missy withdrew her hands, holding them up. “Sure, sure, no problem. As you wish, master.” Leo’s brow twitched, but he didn’t want to keep the dialogue going. She walked off and hopped back on the couch. Hop with a capital H, as she slammed back onto it like a child. She could at least act her age. Leo finished up the rest of his meal just as his stomach growled again. He picked up the plate and turned around.

Wait. Where would he eat? The bedroom was out of the question. Crumbs would somehow materialize on the sheets. Living room? His eyes wandered over to Missy, who yawned. With her around? He might lose his appetite. His vision flicked over to the hallway. Bathroom it is, then. Leo chided himself for the stupid joke and walked over to the lounging chair. It was comfortable distance away from the couch, allowing him a modicum of relaxation.

It felt odd to watch TV out in the living room, even odder to have someone else commenting on it. “Just think, this guy was in Overboard,” Missy said. Whatever that meant. Leo quietly munched away at his food as he watched action filled nonsense wash over the screen. “You know, the movie where the woman loses her memory?” And munching. “Then he tricks her into thinking she’s his wife?” And munching. “You remember, for revenge?” And munching. “God, have you seen anything?”

“This is all garbage,” Leo said in-between bites.

“Nuh-uh,” Missy said. She tossed a pillow at him that missed and fell to the floor.

“Pick that up.”

“Ugh. Do you have a single fun bone in your body?” Missy stomped over and swiped up the pillow. She gave him a stare and stomped back.

“I do when I’m not babysitting.”

“Didn’t we used to watch movies together all the time as kids? Remember? On DVD? I hope you remember that at least.”

“I remember how much of a pain it was to watch anything because you’d have to sit through a hundred trailers.” Leo leaned back in the chair.

Missy gasped. “That was the best part! You could get excited for so many things!”

“I don’t watch movies for trailers, I watch them for movies.”

“I bet you go to a movie theater exactly when the showing starts.”

Leo looked over at her. “No, I don’t. Movie theaters are miserable.” His brow furrowed. “Plus, how do you know? Who would let you into a movie theater?”

“Side doors exist, you know.”

Leo shook his head. “Figures. That’s just like you.”

“I would’ve bought a ticket if I could!” Another pillow flew across the room. “What do you expect me to do, beg on the street? Hello! One ticket to the research lab please!”

“No one would want to examine you, believe me. You’d annoy them to death.” He paused. “Pick that up.”

Missy strangely crawled over to the pillow, grabbed it, and rested on her knees. “Can’t you say one nice thing about me?” she huffed. Leo tilted his head in confusion. “I mean, how am I supposed to be a better person if you keep putting me down, huh?” She hit his leg with the fluffy bedding.

“Easy!” He grabbed his plate off his lap. Leo looked down at her. That was fair, he guessed, but what was he supposed to say? You have surprisingly nice fur for a cryptid? Your teeth could shear through metal? You probably scare children pretty well? “You were a good friend.” He frowned, did he say that? Missy’s face turned into an excited smile that went a little too far. “Don’t take that too seriously.”

Missy scooted closer. “Go on, say more.”

“That’s all I’ve got,” Leo said before taking another bite of sandwich.

“No fair!” Missy’s expression soured. “I need at least one for the present!”

“Missy, let me ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“When’s the last time you did something good for someone else?”

“I cleaned—”

Leo held up his hand. “Without them asking you to do it.”

Missy frowned and pulled the pillow to her chest. “You just want me to do stuff for you.”

“No, but I do think it’s fair in your position. What can I expect out of this relationship?”

Missy’s demented smile quickly returned and she leaned forward. “So I’m like your wife now, right? Could you get me an apron at least?” She clasped her hands together and mock swooned. “I’ll get your scrambled eggs in the morning and send you off with a kiss. Mwah. Just like when we played house!”

“You don’t strike me as the marrying type, Missy,” Leo replied. He was going to add ‘worn out down there’ too, but figured she didn’t deserve that much of an insult. Still, he had to admit the faint memory of playing with plastic utensils with her was a fairly happy one. Unfortunately it made the current Missy seem all the worse.

“Who knows what kind of type I am? Heck if I know either.” Missy shrugged, turning her attention back to the television. “It’d be nice to find out.” Leo decided not to direct her back to the couch. The poor upholstery had already taken on its fair share of fur for the day.

Leo quietly finished off his food and promptly cleaned the dish afterward. Missy was still stuck to the television. Well, it seemed TV did have its benefits. Thank you, automated babysitter. Leo slunk off back into the hallway, past his bedroom, and into what was originally a guest room. Now it was more of an exercise room, with weights, an all too fancy stationary bicycle, and other miscellaneous junk that he could fit in. He took a moment to appreciate all the things his job could buy him, then moseyed on over to the bicycle.

A loud, televised explosion rang out in the other room. Leo shook his head. He briefly considered closing the door, but who knows what she’d get up to without supervision. He took a rag and wiped down the seat, then shrugged and wiped down the rest of the bike too. Nice and clean. Stepping over the thing, he parked himself on the seat and started mindlessly peddling. There was a screen on the bike that offered him a wealth of options from simulating real trails to monitoring how many calories he burned. None of that mattered, however, and he kept peddling on.

Random gunshots and explosions continued to sound off in the other room. If Leo didn’t know any better, he might’ve assumed a full scale war was going on in the living room. Was the sound system really that loud? It was the first time he had ever heard it from here. The first time he had guests, really. It was a good thing that the closest neighbors were a good half mile away, otherwise there would be little reason not for them to call the police on the sudden shootout across the way. Whatever, as long as she was distracted, it was fine. Just keep peddling.

Leo leaned forward and grabbed onto the handlebars. What to do with her? What was the end goal, really? You can’t just fix her and put her back on the streets, Leo thought to himself. Missy was, in short, perfectly suited for staying at home. Could he blame her for being a leech? He nodded. She could be a nice leech. People used them as medicine and even as pets. Missy definitely had no medicinal properties and certainly wasn’t a pet.

You could make her better, sure, but you would have to keep her forever or... make her leave again. His grip tightened on the bars. You don’t know what kind of deal you just sealed yourself, buddy. The last one to seal the deal at that. No doubt the others were more accepting of her “bartering”. Leo’s mind cheekily pictured her in a less than proper scenario, legs open. His bicycling sped up.

Missy was at best, a loser friend, and at worst, a very annoying sloth. Sex with either of those was probably second to last on his list, just right above prostitutes. That’s not to say she was repulsive, just that she was a detour away from human. A detour with a lot of potholes and tolls on it. Whoever she was staying with before must’ve been horribly desperate, lonely people. Leo blinked and looked around the room. Isn’t that you? No, I’m not desperate. Oh, great, that’s miles better.

Leo sighed and slowed down. Only then did he realize that world war three was no longer being held in his living room. “I was wondering what was in here!” Missy said from behind him. His head slouched. “Think we can get some handle doorknobs?” Leo slouched.

“What is it?” he asked, still trooping on. His legs were starting to feel a bit of that burn, or maybe that was just the presence of Missy.

“I’m just hangin’ out, catching the scene.”

“You found it. Here’s the happening place. The exercise room,” he said sarcastically. If only this bike actually moved.

Missy walked over to him, hefting up one of his weights. “You know, I didn’t realize you exercised. Legit, I thought you sat at a computer all day. The slow dying way.”

“Is that a compliment?”

“Uh, sure, yeah.” Missy hefted up the weight with an exaggerated strain. It was then that he realized it was a ten pound dumbbell. “You got some tone to you.” Her other hand squeezed his arm, much to his disapproval. “Not like the other guys at all.”

“You already got the couch, Missy. Not much more I can give,” he said, still biking on.

“Ugh.” She bent over and set down the dumbbell. “Can you stop assuming I want something from you every time we talk?”

“You came to my house in the middle of the night begging to stay and you haven’t given anything in return. What am I supposed to assume?” Leo shrugged and slowed down.

Missy shook her head. “Dude, what am I supposed to give? I already asked if you wanted to fuck, but noooooooo, you’re too stuck up for that.”

“Well, like I said, I don’t need anything, so when you come to me it makes sense you want something.”

“What if I just wanna catch up? It’s been how many years and here you are with a bike up your ass, ignoring me.”

Leo came to a halt. “I barely know you anymore, Missy! It’s like you’re a completely different person, and I’m just supposed to go along with that? With... whatever you are now?” Missy’s eyes slightly widened. He sized her up before quietly returning to his biking.

Missy rounded the bike, crossed her arms, and placed them on the monitor. Her expression became downcast. “I guess we didn’t start off right.”

Leo looked straight ahead past her. “No, we didn’t.”

“Is ‘I’m an idiot’ a good excuse?”

“Not really.” He sighed. “Can’t just expect me to lay down and take it.”

“And what? I just gotta lay down and take it that my life super sucks?”

“I already got it. You’re going to get tossed into a cell for research.”

“You sure? You don’t really look like you’re getting it ‘cause you keep saying it like it’s no big deal.”

Leo shook his head. “Whatever. You think it’s just fine for you to barge back in and try to be all buddy buddy?”

Missy sighed. “Leo, I like you. I’ve always liked you. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here.”

“Yeah? You went with other guys first because you liked me so much, right?” Leo asked.

“And how was I supposed to get to you first? Out of all of the guys back home, you’re the only one who left the whole state. Gone.” She waved her hand. “It’s only dumb luck you moved back.”

Leo looked at her. “Alright.” He looked down at the screen in front of him. “Sorry. Just forget about it.”

Missy pulled back. “Wow.”

“Wow what?”

“Never expected you to say that.”

“Missy.” Leo frowned.

“My bad. You uh, want me to leave now?” Missy asked. “I’ll do it, honest.”

Leo had no response. He wasn’t entirely sure what to say.

“I’ll be going. Catch me on the couch if you need me, OK?” Missy said, retreating out of his vision.

Leo returned to his biking, a little more vigorously than before.