FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

From the corner of my eye, I see someone familiar.

Lights shine on and off like they always do, and it makes it harder for me to see anything beyond the stage. Harder to know what's happening everywhere else. But during the times where it would dim for a moment, I'd take a look at the audience, just to check how things are going.

The light fades and I look at the people sitting closest to me. It's the usual group of people, but there are new ones as well. I give them a quick smile before I move on. A few minutes more and I look again. This time I turn somewhere else. For someone else. I could've sworn he was there. But then again, there are lots of people here. It could've been someone else for all I know. Wouldn't be the first time, really.

I let the blazer slide off my shoulders and toss it aside. I then grab the pole and do a small dance, sliding my hand from my chest down to my crotch. That familiar high is coming back now, with the crowd cheering as I dance and strip. Hearing them--even if they're drowned out by the music--amplifies that feeling in my chest. I unbutton my pants and slide it down a little, showing myself to the crowd. The lights dim again and I turn to the audience once more.

And there he is.

He's sitting by the bar, arms crossed and looking at me. His bright orange fur stands out under the softer neon lights, making him much more visible from where I am. He's not smiling like the first time we met. I can't gauge his expression, but I know for sure I don't like the look in his eyes.

I turn away, doing my damnedest not to ignore him. I take a deep breath and just focus on dancing. The light flashes, the crowd cheers, and it gets colder and colder the more clothes I take off. All of this is overwhelming, and I take it all in. But I could still feel his eyes on me.

***

I go outside to the sound of heavy rain. It's been raining a lot, but this one is probably the worst. I sigh, opening my bag to look for my umbrella. I wonder how much time I have before the rainwater reaches me.

"Thank God for awnings, am I right?"

I turn to my right and smile at the German Shepherd standing beside me. "Thought your shift ended thirty minutes ago, Dev. What're you still doing here?"

"It's raining, so I stuck around." He turns to the parking lot and curses under his breath. "Shit, I parked there, too."

I turn to the direction he's looking and I see his car at the parking space the farthest from us as possible.

"And what were you doing in the meantime?"

"Thinking."

"About getting to your car?"

He nods. "That's one of the things, yeah?"

"And what came to mind?"

"Running," he says. "It's not like I have that any other options, anyways."

I shake my head. "I have an umbrella. Want me to walk with you?"

"Is this your way of asking me out on a date?" Dev grins.

I give a one note laugh. "You're cute, but no thanks."

He raises his arms. "Hey, man, just throwing it out there. If you want to go on a date or a one-night stand or whatever, I wouldn't be opposed. Just don't think you're gonna make me go full bi-curious."

"Whatever you say. I'll keep that in mind, though."

"Good. Hope it keeps you occupied for a while. You look like you need it."

I turn to him. "You're awfully considerate today, what gives?"

Dev shrugs. "Nothing, really, you're just gloomy this past week. Well, gloomier than usual. It's not noticeable, but I could tell."

"Right, with your ability to 'read people more than anyone else.'" I make finger quotes as I say the phrase. "You have a good way of making people feel better, by the way."

"Yet to be proven otherwise," he says. "And that's what I do best."

I shake my head again. I'm not really surprised; this is Devon after all.

"Seriously, you're not usually like this. Is everything all right?"

I open the umbrella, spinning it for no reason. "Not really."

"Was it the fox? The one in the private room last week? You weren't really yourself after that."

I look away at anything else. Dev wasn't joking when he said he could easily read people. He's pretty observant too. Most of the time, I appreciate it and I really like that about him. But now isn't one of those times.

I scratch the back of my neck. "It's complicated. Look, I don't really wanna talk about it right now."

"No worries, man. But if you ever need to talk, I'll be here. Or anyone else, but I'm the best choice, of course."

I chuckle. "I appreciate it."

He gives me a thumbs up and then looks at the parking lot again. "I might have to make a run for it."

"Are you sure you don't want me to walk with you?"

"I'm gonna be fine."

I sigh. "All right then. See you tomorrow, Officer Dallas."

He gives me a mock salute before charging headfirst to his car in the rain, tripping on something on the way and then getting back on his feet and going to his car. I've been here for long enough and I should get going too. With that, I lift my umbrella and step into the rain.

"Can I take you up on that offer?"

I stop in my tracks, my fur standing on end. That voice is the last thing I expected to hear, and I guess that makes me stupid. I should've known that this could happen. He was here, after all. I take a slow, deep breath and turn around. Sure enough, it's the fox. He smiles sheepishly at me, arms going around himself, like he doesn't know what to do with them. The way he looks at me... it's like I'm an old friend. I hate it.

I sigh. "What are you doing here?"

"I think I'm allowed to be here," he says.

I open my mouth, close it, and think of something else to say. "The place is still open, so what are you doing out here?"

The fox shrugs, turning to the rain. "I'm gonna get tired sooner or later. I'm going home too, and I have the same problems as your German Shepherd friend."

"Well, you can do what he did and run to your car."

The fox scratches his cheek. "About that... I didn't really get here by car. And before you suggest, phone's dead too. And... well, you're the only one I know here, so I'm figuring..."

I give another long, tired sigh and he raises his hands in the air. "Hey, I never planned for this. I went here on impulse, so there was no preparation involved. Sorry to intrude, but being stuck here makes me very uncomfortable. There were guys looking at me weird, and I don't want to stay here any longer. So... please."

I'm pretty sure he planned at least a part of this. But looking at him, I don't think that matters as much anymore. He really looks uncomfortable. And having worked here for quite a while, I know and understand how that feels.

"Fine," I say. "Just... don't try anything."

The fox's eyes light up, then tries not to let it show. "Thanks."

I lift my umbrella up, and he goes over beside me. We walk to my car in silence. I wait for him to make a remark, but he doesn't. I decide to ignore it for now. Once we get to the car, the fox gets in the passenger's seat and I make my way to the driver's seat. As I open the door, that same wrong feeling from last week comes back to me. This doesn't feel right. None of this feels right. I never thought I'd see the fox again. But here he is. In my car, even. I wonder if he feels the same thing.

But that's none of my business. Getting him home is. With a deep breath, I get it in the car, start the engine, and make my way to the highway.

"You're not from around here?" I ask.

"No," the fox says.

I then make a turn for the bridge. We go up; the streetlights get brighter and brighter as we do. Soon enough, we're at the top and I see the city skyline on the horizon. It's bright, lighting up the sea and the night sky with its lights. It's something familiar, and it's something that I actually find comforting. There aren't many people here around this time too, so I get to slow down and enjoy it much more.

I turn to the fox to see him staring lazily out the window, the lights twinkling in his eyes as we pass the streetlights. As much as I don't want to be reminded of last week, it's good to know that he enjoys this view as much as I do, so I slow down a bit more. A faint smile makes its way to his face before and disappears as soon as it came.

"Guess this is one perk of the job, huh?" he says. "Seems pretty worth it. So, you guys looking for bartenders?"

The fox is teasing, but he sounds resigned more than anything. I take a quick glance at him. He looks like he's tired and just done with everything, which is funny, because that's what I feel.

"We're full," I say.

The fox only grunts in response. I'm not going to lie. I'm a bit glad at the fact that he's not amused. It's petty, I know. But like Dev said, I haven't been fully myself the past few days.

"Anyway, you're wondering why I'm here, right?"

I decide to just roll with this weird shift in his mood.

"You did show up all of a sudden," I say.

That, and he was essentially gone after our little hookup. Then again, I may have been expecting him to come back to the club. He has his own life, and I'm not a part of it.

"And you left all of a sudden too," the fox says. "It would've been nice if you stayed just a little longer. You know, had a little chat in bed or something like that."

"So you came back because you wanted to cuddle?"

He chuckles bitterly. "Sure. If you want to see it that way."

The fox goes silent again. I sigh. I shouldn't be this annoyed, but I am. And I don't know if that's what he's doing or not. If it is, then he sure is putting a lot of effort into it.

I take a deep breath. "Hey, if you wanna say something, just say it. I don't have the time to listen to you beating around whatever it is you have in mind."

The fox doesn't make a comeback, instead sagging into his seat. "All right." He gives a tired sigh. "I just... I felt like there's something I need to tell you."

My brow furrows and he shakes his head in response. "I'm not here to tell you I love you; don't worry about that. I just... needed some closure is all."

"Closure?"

He brushes me off. "Don't worry about it."

The fox then wraps his arms around him. At first, I think it's him preparing himself to say what he wants to say when he shivers. I remember I have air-conditioning on and he's only wearing a tank top.

"Do you want to me to turn it off?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "It's okay."

I shake my head and focus my attention back on the road. There's no point in insisting. I have a feeling he'd be stubborn. A small ache in my chest returned when I thought about it. Why does everything I discover about this fox keep bringing me memories?

"By the way," the fox says. "I've heard that I left an impression on you."

"You were there the whole time?"

"Don't get any ideas. I just happened to come across you guys when you were talking about that. Besides, I doubt everything you guys talked about was deep and personal."

It wasn't, but that's not the point, and he should know that. I sigh. Just like last time, I choose to let it slide.

"Is it true?" the fox says. His voice is much more somber now, like he's thinking of something or trying to gauge me, or both. I take another glance at him to find him staring at the window again. This fox sure jumps from emotion to emotion like there's no tomorrow.

"Why would it matter to you?" I ask.

"It involves me, so I at least have a bit of a right to ask."

I sigh. "You were there. You have your answer."

I could almost feel his glare, and that feeling disappears as soon as it came. He doesn't say anything and we're left in silence. I'm getting used to it by now, though I don't like it this time.

The fox then groans. "Look, sorry if I've been a bit of an asshole. It's just... everything is all."

I nod. "I understand."

"Thank you. As for the matter at hand..." The fox adjusts himself in his seat. I look at him and notice his fur is bristled.

"Well... how do I put this? Do you ever had the experience of feeling something you felt before and wanting to chase it so you could feel that thing again?"

I decide not to just stare at the fox and nod. "Yeah, I did."

"Well, I guess you could say that was a part of why I asked you last week."

"And the other parts?" I ask.

"I'm getting there." He takes another deep breath. "I had a bad night is all, and I wanted a little thrill to let off some steam and loosen up a bit. I wasn't thinking clearly, so I ended up in the strip club, of all places. And there you were."

I could practically sense his embarrassment and regret in waves as he continued. "Maybe it was another spur of the moment. Maybe I had a lot to drink. I have no idea. All I knew was that it felt right at the time, and... well, I thought you could give me that feeling I was looking for."

"And did you get it?"

The fox hums to himself. "I wish it lasted a just a bit longer."

Strangely enough, knowing that is comforting. Maybe it's because I know I'm not the only one. That probably makes me weird, but it's still a comfort either way.

The fox leans on his seat again, crossing his arms. From the corner of my eye, I see him looking at me. I pretend I don't notice that, keeping my eyes on the road.

"What about you?" he asks. "What's your reason?"

I sigh. I've never been this tired after my shift in quite a while, and it's been longer since someone has worn me out like this. This fox seems to suck the energy right out of me. I don't know if he's trying or not. Either way, I can't bring myself to keep doing this any longer.

"It's the same as yours, really," I say.

He doesn't say anything, but I could tell he's waiting for me to continue, so I do.

"I used to have a friend back then. He's a fox, just like you. Well, a lot like you, really. Same height, same build, green eyes. Even your personality is almost the same too--it's weird. We were pretty close, having each other's backs and doing stupid shit. Stuff like that. I really enjoyed spending every day with him, even on the bad days. Took me a while to know what I really see him as."

I chuckle. "It was practically a dream come true when we got together. So we were a thing, for quite a while."

"I take it that it didn't last," the fox says.

"You wouldn't be here if it did."

"Yeah, sorry." He adjusts himself in his seat. "What happened?"

The fox's sudden concern throws me off a bit, but like the other times, I choose to ignore it.

"Everything else happened. We both had too much to handle, and we slowly realized that staying together wasn't the best thing for the both of us, so one day I decided I had to do something about it. But when I got the courage to do it, he disappeared.

"I never found him, no matter what I did. It was like he never existed. Like he wanted it to look like our relationship never happened." I let out a shaky breath. "I would've... it would've been fine if he at least said goodbye. But he didn't. He just left me alone. The whole thing was messy, and it fucked me up for days. "

"And when did I come into the picture?" the fox asks, sounding tired as well.

"A month later," I say. "I have to admit, giving you that private dance was pretty surreal for me. It felt like I was dreaming. I felt like I didn't want to do it, but at the same time I do. And when you offered, a part of me told me I couldn't say no. Because I thought that if I did... I'd miss an opportunity of getting to feel what it used to be like." I sigh. "Why am I telling you all of this?"

"Hey, no judgment here," the fox says. "I know how you feel."

"Really?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"All right, then. What's your story?"

The fox's ears flicker a bit and he chuckles it off. "I think it's only fair that I tell my life story too." He then rests his head on his seat, snout pointed at the roof of the car. He takes a deep breath.

"I had a friend when I was younger, around second grade or something--I couldn't remember; it's pretty complicated. And for the record, he was a hyena, and he wasn't gay. And he wasn't a hot stripper."

I snicker. "Was that really needed?"

"Yes. Anyway, we were good friends who grew up together. Inseparable and all that stuff. You know how it is. We were always with each other. And even if we had different dreams and aspirations, we ended up in the same university too--shocking, I know. And what do you know, I had feelings for him for a long time." He sighs. "God, I'm just living a cliche, aren't I?"

I smile a bit. He wouldn't be the only one here.

"I don't remember exactly when I started having feelings for him, but I do know that I started seeing him in a new light for the first time. I really liked the way he looked, the things that used to drive me crazy I found endearing. All of that stuff. But I could never bring myself to tell him."

The fox groans a bit as he rests his hand on the grab handle. He slides his other hand down his face.

"I never knew why. He wasn't homophobic or anything like that, but I was still scared. I don't know if it was because I have no idea how it would mean for us in the long run or if it would be awkward for the both of us or if it comes with being gay or whatever it is. What I do know is it was pretty stupid.

"But... I guess sometimes that voice in the back of your head is right."

He looks up again, and his head stays that way. The light in his eyes sparkles more than they usually do. Just like before. I look away as he wipes his face with his hand.

"I told him one night because I was half drunk and just couldn't give any more a shit," the fox continues, his voice weaker. "That's probably what happened. I can't really tell much, but my sober friend at the time said it was obnoxious at best so that's that. But he didn't talk to me the next day, and then he was gone. He left without telling anyone.

"And me? Well, I tried talking to him through his number, his chat, hell, even his email. But he didn't respond. He was still there, though. I still see his pictures, his posts, everything. He was even talking to our friends. But he wouldn't talk to me, and I never knew why. Just like you, I didn't really deal with it pretty well."

The fox crosses his arms. "It's been a year now, and I don't think about him as much anymore, but there were times when I would see him or be reminded of him and I'd feel shitty for a few minutes. Sometimes, it lasts longer."

The city grows bigger and brighter as we get nearer. The fox stares at it along with me. He's still sniffling, and I take a deep breath.

"Well, he's your best friend," I say. "And you've been friends probably since you were little. You still being distraught over it is pretty normal."

The fox nods. "You're right."

He then goes silent for a while before he speaks up again, his voice sounding like he's just done with everything. "That's when you came along, by the way." He sighs, rubbing his snout. "And I know it sounds stupid, but the reason I connected you to him was because of your costume at first."

"The denim jacket?"

"Yeah. The one with the Papa Roach logo on the back. He had a jacket like that too, and it was his favorite. I probably had too much to drink to make that connection. And probably your personality onstage too. I had that same thoughts you had at the time. I saw you as an opportunity to get that feeling. But I guess I wanted more than that." He rubs the bridge of his snout vigorously. "God, I'm an idiot."

"Don't worry," I say. "You're not alone."

He lets out a soft, one-note laugh. "Comforting."

The rain gets heavier. There's not much to be said, really, and I'm fine with that. And from the looks of it, it looks like the fox wants it that way as well. A car passes us by and I'm starting to see the city's shoreline as well. We're two-thirds on the way there.

"Never thought telling all of that to someone feels really good," the fox says, breaking the silence. "It's pretty... cathartic."

I nod. "Same here. And it's good to know that I'm not the only one who made a stupid decision."

"I wouldn't really call it stupid; more like something I'd do back in high school."

"That's just another way of saying it's stupid."

"Touche." The fox chuckles, shifting in his seat for the umpteenth time. "So..."

"So?"

"What now?"

"What do you mean, what now?" I ask.

"What are we gonna do now that that's out of the way?"

"I don't know." I shrug. "Actually, I just wanna know this. How much of this did you plan?"

The fox shrugs, a smug grin on his face. "Just a bit."

"I knew it."

"You really think that little of me?" The fox halfheartedly places a hand on his chest. "You wound me."

I smile. "Get over yourself."

"Oh, I plan to do just that." He then rests his head on the seat. "Anyway, I didn't really expect things to go this way. Well, I didn't really expect anything good at all. I was half expecting you to leave me alone and I'll just go, 'So much for trying.'"

"You really think that little of me?"

He laughs and so I follow suit. I never thought I'd end up laughing along with him, but here we are. Turns out there are good surprises.

"Seriously, what are we gonna do now?" the fox says.

I shrug. "Move on from all of this?"

"Are you asking?"

"I have no idea."

The fox chuckles, this time much more relaxed and genuine. "Me too. But I guess you're right. Whole thing's a mess."

"Tell me about it," I say. "I just feel stupid that I went through with all of it thinking it was a good idea."

"If you're stupid, then what does that make me?" he says. "The connection I made was a stretch at best. I mean, he's a hyena and you're a gay stripper husky."

I figured he'd say that again. Doesn't stop it from being funny, though. "Yeah. Sure."

We both fall silent again. Then the fox looks at me, then around him, and then looks at me again. He does this for two more times. "Anyway, is... that's that?"

I take a second to realize what he's referring to. "There should probably be more, but I think it's better if we take it one step at a time. At our own pace."

"I dunno. I wish this is all over right now."

"Well, real life sucks sometimes."

The fox hums to himself. "Yeah."

"Did you get the closure you were looking for, by the way?" I ask.

"What are you... oh. Right." The fox crosses his arms. "Not really, but I don't think it matters as much as I thought it'd be. How about you?"

"I guess so? I don't know, I'll probably know somewhere down the line."

"Alrighty, then." He then leans on his seat and looks at me. "Hey, you do enjoy my company, right? Or did my tragic backstory make me from someone to put up with to slightly tolerable?"

I smile. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

The fox makes an amused grunt and nothing else. We're going down the skyline now. The city gets closer and closer and more cars show up. From the corner of my eye, the fox's eyes light up for a second as he watches the lights. I shake that thought out of my head and ask him where he lives.

"Just go down that road and I'll tell you," he says.

"Can't you just tell me where you live?" I ask.

"I can give directions so that wouldn't matter."

Why can't you just tell me the general address so I can get you home faster? Actually, never mind that. Again, there would be no use in trying to convince him otherwise.

For the next few minutes, the fox gives me directions and I turn in that direction. We go on with this for quite a while in silence before we end up on a rather busy boulevard. The fox notices the look on my face so he tells me he lives right around the corner and it's usually this busy at night. I nod and take the time to relax a bit.

"Hey," the fox says. "I know it doesn't really matter now, but I'm really curious. What's your name?"

Oh yeah. He did ask me that last week. There's a voice in the back of my mind telling me I shouldn't, but I can't find a good enough reason for it. It's harmless, really. Besides, the fox's tone when he asked that tells me it's more for him than anything.

For closure.

"Eric," I say.

"Eric," he repeats. "Nice name."

"Thanks. My parents gave it to me."

He chuckles. "Charming. Name's Danny by the way, in case you were wondering."

"It definitely was," I say. "Nice to meet you properly this time, Danny."

"Nice to properly meet you too, Eric."

He reaches out a hand to me and I shake it. I've had my fair share of awkward introductions and this one was probably one of the most awkward out of all of them. This is one is special, though. I've got something I'd never get from all the other awkward introductions. That's what makes it special.

Danny mutters something under his breath. It takes me a second to realize what he's muttering my name, like he's trying to remember something.

"You know," he says. "Your name sounds familiar. I don't know. I think I heard your name before."

An idea forms in the back of my head. "Have you ever bought a book written by a guy named Eric?"

Danny mulls over this for a moment. "Actually, yeah. A friend recommended to me a while ago. That's a pretty spot-on guess. It's kinda scary."

I smile at him and watch as he catches up.

"No way. You wrote that book?"

"Have you ever looked at the back?"

He thinks about it, and I could practically see realization spread across his face. He lets out an amused grunt. "Huh. What a small world."

"You'd be surprised." I sigh. "Good to know people still like my book."

"Yeah. It is pretty good, though. Terrifying too." He then looks at me and smiles. "I've always wanted an autographed copy. Any chance I could get one from you?"

I pretend to think for a moment. "I'll think about it."

"You say that like we're gonna see each other again."

"Who says we won't?"

Danny shrugs. "Many things can happen."

"Doesn't make it a definitive no."

He chuckles, crossing his arms. "Sure. I'll definitely cross that ridiculously long bridge again to see you."

I'm about to say something when he interrupts me. "Oh! You drink a lot of coffee, right? You know, since you write and all that?"

"I can't say the same for everyone, but I can't live without it."

"That's good. So this is gonna be shocking, but I work as a barista in a shop a few blocks away from where I live. You should go there sometime, and maybe we could chat more."

"Is this you wanting us to talk more or are you trying to have more customers?"

Danny shrugs again. "Gotta do what I gotta do to get that promotion. And on top of that, we can see each other outside the strip club if you want to. See? Two birds with one stone."

I chuckle. "Clever."

The traffic thins out, and I continue driving. I take a second to look at him again. He's staring at the street outside, watching everything happening outside. I smile at the sight before turning back on the road.

Danny then sits upright and points at a corner. "Stop there."

I look at where he's pointing at to see an intersection. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Just drop me there."

Well, he knows where he lives after all. I go over to where he points and park my car beside the store he's pointing at. I take the time to look to rest for a bit. As for Danny, he just sits there, scratching the back of his neck. When it goes on for too long, I sit up as well.

"What is it?"

Danny shakes his head, smiling. "Nothing. So... see you again?"

I nod. "Sure thing. It's been pretty nice."

"Yeah. I think we should start talking outside the strip club, you know, since it isn't the best place for getting to know each other. I mean, the coffee shop I work in is an option."

I chuckle. "Want my number or something?"

He turns to the street and then at me. "Maybe some other time. I know where you work, so I can always go there. If I find the time and energy to cross that bridge again, that is."

I chuckle. "I'll make it up to you once I see you again."

"Is that a promise?"

I trace an X shape on my chest. "Cross my heart."

He laughs, eyes sparkling in the lights like they always do. I've never got to see it properly and without all the horny adrenaline. It looks really nice. I realize I don't feel that longing I felt back then. That desperation of wanting to feel the thing I used to feel with him. I smile at the thought.

"Anyway, I got to go now," Danny says. "I still need that three hours of sleep."

"You need an umbrella?" I ask.

"Hey, if your friend could do it, so can I."

I shake my head. "Your funeral."

Danny chuckles as he opens the door. "See you later, Mr. Fascination."

I give him a small wave. "See ya."

He nods and pushes the door open. Danny then rushes outside, closes the door, and looks around before running away. I watch his back get smaller and disappear behind the corner. With that, the rain fills the silence again.

I lean against the seat, closing my eyes. It was much more tiring than I expected it to be. But something good came out of it at least. Like Danny, I expected it to go poorly based on my track record of handling these kinds of situations.

As for how I feel with me and Danny, I don't think it'll go away for a little while longer, but it was a start. He doesn't need to know that, just like I don't need to know if the same thing goes for him. And that's all right. I wonder if we still want to meet each other after all of it is said and done. I'll just have to find out, but I know full well that that will be the end of it if it is.

I'm about to start the engine again when something catches my eye. It's in the passenger seat, wedged in the gap. I take it out to see a piece of paper. There's a cellphone number written on it, but only the first half. Below it is a note.

"My turn.

-Danny."

A smile makes its way across my face. He found the time to write this down during the time we were talking from the looks of it. And this is while he refused to take my number as well. I think this is his attempt at teasing me. I can't tell if it works or not, but he tried. That fox is something, I'll give him that.

Shaking my head, I put it in my back pocket and start the car. Then, with my head clear for the first time in a while, I get back on the road, under the lights once more.