FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

WARNING: DEPICTIONS OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AND ABUSE. READER DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED.

Additionally, this is my first time writing anything related to the topic of abuse and I want to make sure I do the subject matter justice. If there is any depiction that feels inaccurate or not well portrayed, I'd like to be informed of it so I can amend or even remove the corresponding content if appropriate.

---

It was a nightmare... or a memory. Either way, it was all too real to Reyson. Once more a teenager, he was minding his own business playing games on his computer when his dad came home, drunk again. The older wolf stumbled in and immediately collapsed onto the floor in a stupor. Showing immediate concern, Reyson stopped what he was doing to pick him up off the floor. This had... unfortunately... become a rather common sight, but rarely was it ever this bad.

"Dad! What happened!?" Ray asked his father, completely trashed from his overconsumption of alcohol. The lingering smell on his breath was overwhelming and it was all Reyson could do to prevent himself from choking.

"Th-shuh-those basserds at the Casino threw me out! Who do they think they are!? Imma payin cussumer... JUSLIKE EVERYONE ELSE! Just cuzzuh got into a fight with someone who had more money than me... They all gotitout forduh poor people... ya hear me!?!" His dad was shouting at no one in particular, something Reyson was regrettably starting to get used to. Reyson carefully set him down on the couch, as he rambled on about how unfair everything was.

After listening for some time, Reyson decided that enough was enough.

"Dad... I think you should go get help."

"Wuzzat? Help? The-'ell are you on about?"

"You've been spending all of your money on alcohol and gambling ever since... ever since mom died! I know you've already gone through your own savings, and that you're dipping into my college fund-at this rate, we're not going to have anything left! Dad, I know this is hard for you-it's hard for me too, but do you really think mom would be happy seeing-"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT EILEEN WOULD HAVE WANTED!?" His father shouted in a gutteral rage that Reyson had never experienced before. He took several steps back in fear as his father stood up, fists clenched.

"It's YOUR goddamn fault she's dead, and nothing you say is EVER going to change that! And now you have the balls to tell me that I'M the problem when all you've been doing your whole life is freeloading!?"

Suddenly finding himself backed into a corner, Reyson had nowhere to run-trapped in his own home. His fury-addled father brought down a fist harshly unto his defenseless son as he raised his arms in a feeble attempt to defend himself.

"Da-Dad! Please! Stop!" The young wolf tried desperately to make his father see reason, but he wasn't having it in his drug-induced rage.

"No. Now I see that we ne'r raised you properly. You're an ungrateful pie'ssa shit who thinks he's a smartass just cuzzhe never had to deal with any problems. Well now it's finally time for me to educate you-First lesson: How to shut your goddamn mouth!" He continued hitting his son, as various bruises began welling up on his arms and face.

"D-dad... I'm sorry, please... I'm begging you... stop it..."

"If you're really sorry, I don't want to ever hear you talk back again. Tomorrow, you're gunna go get yourself a fucking job and support this household like you shoulda done years ago, GOT IT!?" He demanded while continuing his physical and verbal assault.

"Okay!! I'll do it!! Stop hitting me!!"

"That's talking back, boy, looks like you haven't learned anything." His father said as he began to undo his belt...

---

Clair's ears flickered as he heard rustling from Ray's room. Normally he slept with earplugs, as his powers and his natural cat-like senses made him very sensitive to noise, but tonight he happened to forget to wear them. Getting up groggily, he noticed murmurs along with the rustling in the other room. A touch confused and worried, the cat went over to see what was going on.

When he arrived, he immediately noticed that Reyson was tossing and turning. He couldn't quite make out what he was muttering, but the wince of fear on his face was indicative of deep distress. The cat called out softly..

"Ray... Ray, are you okay?" Gently touching him, Reyson's body shot up with a scream, knocking Clair onto his feet with surprise. Reyson immediately clutched his arms and started whispering quietly to himself: "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, dad... I won't do it again..." as he rocked himself back and forth.

Realizing what kind of dream Reyson just had and that he was having a panic attack, Clair himself went into an anxious frenzy as he tried to manage a way to calm him down.

"Ray, Ray! It's just a dream! You're okay! Calm down!" No response. He tried to reach a hand out towards the wolf, but that only caused him to retreat further back into the bed in fear. Clair was starting to panic himself... wondering if he wouldn't be able to help his friend... just like last time...

The cat looked at his hands, a faint glow pulsing from them. Clair came up with an idea, but wasn't sure if it would work. He decided that now wasn't the time to hesitate and that he was running out of options. With a silent prayer...

---

Reyson's ears were ringing with white noise. Even though he was finally awake, the only image visible to him was that of his father, readying more blows to rain down upon him. Muttering the same phrases again, like a broken record, he flinched and shut his eyes tight as he saw that raised hand descend.

"Lubb-dub." A loud, pounding flooded his senses, pushing out the sound of his father's voice.

"Lubb-dub." Focusing on the rhythmic beat, the nightmarish images slowly began to clear away.

"Lubb-dub." Gradually regaining his composure, Reyson's breathing began to slow to match the sounds of the pulse.

...It.... was Clair's heartbeat. With a hand pressed to the wolf's forehead, the cat had used his powers to amplify the sound and embed it into the wolf's body.

As the rhythmic beating continued to pulse through Reyson's body, his arms slowly relaxed, releasing their intense grip on his arms. There were small cuts where his nails dug in that were starting to bleed, but he didn't notice them as he continued trying to collect himself.

When he was finally ready to open his eyes, he saw Clair looking over him with his small hands against him, holding his breath. He let out a huge sigh of relief when the lupine finally opened his eyes. "Thank goodness."

"C-Clair..." Was all Reyson could say through labored breaths, still shaken up by the experience. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened, but ever since he had moved in with Clair-away from father-the dreams had ceased. Reyson had thought that the nightmares were gone for good, but...

"You don't need to say anything, just relax, okay?" Clair then pulled his friend close to him, holding him tightly.

"I... okay." Was all Reyson could say as he rested his muzzle on Clair's shoulder. The two remained like that for a long while.

...

When they finally let go, they sat facing each other on the bed.

Clair was the first to break the silence.

"You dreamt... about your father..." He gulped. "...hitting you... right?" Reyson looked away, not wanting Clair to see his pained expression.

"...yes." Clair hesitated, but decided to continue.

"Do... do you... want to talk about it?" Silence. Clair panicked, immediately waving his hands apologetically. "I'm sorry! You don't have to if you don't want to! I just thought... maybe... you'd want to vent....." His voice trailed off. Mirroring each other's motions, Clair looked away, and Reyson looked back up in his direction. Reyson opened and closed his mouth several times, thinking deeply about whether or not to-and how to respond, and eventually spoke.

"It was... a while after mom died." He recounted the events thereafter:

How his father spiraled into depression and a gambling addiction, and how Reyson holed himself up into his room, playing video games after school to cope with the aftermath himself.

How he started noticing that soiled clothes were starting to be left strewn about the house, and dirty dishes started piling up in the sink, and how he had to start taking care of the house for his dad, who would be gone all day and night, only to arrive home drunk, and usually angry.

How he eventually tried to get his father to quit his addiction, only to be met with outrage and violence.

How his dad threatened him to get a job, so that he'd have money to continue gambling, and how he complied, scared for his safety.

How he used to be more outspoken and talkative before his father taught him to not talk back, and speak in short sentences.

...And How even now, He is unable to do anything to save his father from himself, a failure of a son.

Clair listened to all of this quietly, his expressions flickering between thoughtful listening, terror and despair as each shocking revelation presented itself. He had known that Reyson had taken a leave of absence when his mother died. He had also known that Reyson had suddenly started showing up to school with bruises sometime after he came back. He noticed immediately when the wolf suddenly became very quiet and only spoke in short blurbs. He had known that there was some abuse going on in Reyson's household; Ray had told him only briefly about it right before the two had drifted apart. But hearing the details in such detail and veracity... It was overwhelming. Clair almost wanted to puke.

When Reyson had finally finished recounting the events related to the abuse, Clair was speechless for a moment, but eventually found his voice again.

"That's AWFUL! Why didn't you tell me all about this sooner!?" Clair was yelling... while covering his own sensitive ears. Suddenly, there were bangs from the ceiling. Apparently, the shouting had woken up the upstairs neighbors. Clair growled at them and shouted up at them, amplifying his voice with his powers: "My friend went through a traumatic experience and we're trying to work through it, so you can FUCK OFF!" He jeered before putting up a sound barrier. Reyson chuckled at his friend's audacity for telling off his neighbors for his own rudeness. "W-what!? This isn't funny! You should have come to me... I would have helped you." Ray looked up for a moment, contemplating.

"At that time... you had run away... and I..." He paused, taking a deep breath. "I thought I had already lost you..." It took a moment, but Clair soon realized the context to which Reyson was referring to and fell silent, his face plastered with guilt.

"I... see... I guess that makes sense... Yeah... I... don't know if I would have helped you after all. That was presumptuous of me-I'm sorry." Reyson shook his head.

"We were young. You needed help too, and I couldn't be there for you." Ray said with a surprising air of calmness-he had accepted the circumstances and consequences of both their mistakes long ago. Silence between the two grew as Clair tried to fully process Reyson's story and fit it in with the rest of the timeline of their childhood as he had previously understood it. Suddenly, Reyson spoke up again.

"What do you remember about mom?"

"Wha- Your mom?"

"Yeah."

"Well, she was sweet and caring. Made great pies. I know I wish my mom was like her." Reyson chuckled.

"Yeah... I still remember the first time you came over... You somehow convinced your parents that it was for a study session when really you just wanted to hang out. Mom and fath... Dad were so happy that I finally brought a friend home. Do you remember what the first you said was?" Clair winced.

"Oh no, don't remind me, I was 8!"

"You said 'Wow, your place looks kind of trashy.'"

"Stoooooop~"

"I'll admit, my feelings were hurt, but Mom and Dad thought it was hilarious. You quickly changed your tune once you had a taste of mom's roast chicken."

"Hey, anything is better than leftovers and slow-cooked stew for the umpteenth time."

"And there was also that time you bought me that computer... What was the excuse you made to your parents, again?"

"Oh, uhh.. Oh! Right, I said I needed it for school, and then I immediately told them I lost it after I gave it to you. I don't know how they believed I managed to lose that hunking piece of tech, but I got off with just a scolding and a grounding, so not too bad I guess!" The two shared a laugh before Reyson continued.

"Oh, and remember that time my parents invited you to go mini-golfing with us that we do every year? You were so excited to go... until you hit the ball so hard that it bounced back, hit your face, and fell in the nearby lake. Mom and dad had no idea what to do when you started crying but I was laughing my ass off." Reyson chuckled while Clair started pouting.

"Okay, Okay, are you going somewhere with this emotional cringe torture or should I just die of embarrassment now?" Clair said playfully, though indeed slightly hoping Reyson would stop recounting childhood memories at his expense. The wolf chuckled a bit more and took a deep breath.

"Back then... I didn't understand anything that was going on with your home. I didn't understand why even though you had all the gadgets, game consoles, and tech you could ever want, you would rather spend time at my shabby house with my family... you never went into much detail about your family life... barring a few cursory complaints, and I only ever saw your parents a few times, but even though I had a few glimpses, I could never really comprehend just how bad things were. I thought the money and quality of life you had made up for all of your internal struggles and that you were just complaining over nothing."

Clair was immediately regretting wanting Reyson to get to the point as the topic had reached its final destination.

"Ray..."

"But I was an idiot. A dumb child that didn't know what he had until I lost what was important to me." Reyson gave a faint smile as he looked up and continued reminiscing about the time before his mom died. When his dad was still a loving parent and they were all happy together. Without warning, tears started streaming down the wolf's face. He looked at Clair, still smiling-his muzzle starting to quiver.

"Clair..... I want my family back..." Was Reyson's final utterance before he began crying in full force. Sloppy tears dripped onto his hands and the bed as the lupine tried to wipe them as they poured out. He succeeded only in matting his hands and arms as he bawled out his pent-up feelings.

The cat sitting across from him just stayed there for a moment, unsure of what to do; even though Reyson was the quiet and awkward one, he was the one that was good with emotions. He knew just the right words to calm people down-the one who could see through the facade that people, especially Clair, put up to defend themselves. Nothing had ever prepared him to be in the reverse situation.

With a faint glow on his paw beans, he reached his hands towards Reyson.

"If it helps... I can-"

"DON'T-" it came out as a growl, surprising Clair as the flicker of magic extinguished immediately. "...don't... I... I understand, and appreciate the gesture, but don't... don't mess with my head... please..." Clair dipped his head, the ever-present guilt overtaking him as the wolf continued to weep softly. Sniffling as he wiped his tears again, he continued speaking: "Just... stay here... right next to me."

Gingerly, Clair took Reyson's hands and pressed their heads together, sharing a moment of close contact as Reyson continued emptying his emotions. Whether they were like that for a few minutes or several hours, it was hard to tell, but eventually, Reyson stopped crying and the two looked at each other affectionately.

Reyson looked down at their clasped hands, and frowned.

"Do I deserve this?" Reyson asked. Clair looked at him unassumingly-this was a question he had heard from the wolf before, but this time, he finally had an answer.

"I don't know." Reyson looked up at Clair, who was smiling at him. "But I don't think it matters." Clair gave Reyson's hand a gentle squeeze. The wolf nodded and squeezed back.

Eventually, they let go of each other and shared a quiet moment together. Reyson closed his eyes and rested his head on Clair's chest as the cat gently stroked his back.

"Hey... Reyson." The wolf's ears perked up. "I... I think you should go get therapy." They drooped back down. He answered, talking into Clair's stomach.

"...I know." was the response.

"I'm sure you can afford it now; Is there something stopping you?"

"It's... stupid. I feel... I feel like if I go get professional help... part of me would feel like I'm losing." Clair was strongly inclined to agree with him and tell him that that was, in fact, a very stupid reason to not get therapy, but he decided not to; a part of him did understand what he was talking about.

"If it helps, I can go with you on your first few sessions. I won't join in, but I can be outside waiting for you." With some hesitation, Reyson reluctantly agreed.

Clair continued. "And before I forget, I did have something I wanted to say. You aren't responsible for your father... or your mother, for that matter. The person he is now, and the person he was before... those aren't the same people. You don't have to feel like you need to save everyone. Sometimes, people need to help themselves. I know it sounds kind of heartless, but don't sacrifice yourself for the wrong people. Maybe someday, your father will get better on his own terms, and you can finally make up... but don't lose sight of yourself chasing an impossible hope. I've been there... It's a terrible place."

Reyson carefully took in Clair's advice. Rationally, he knew his words to be true, but it was difficult for him to accept that there were people he wanted to protect and save that he simply couldn't.

Even so, Reyson slowly nodded in agreement with what Clair had to say, brushing his head against his friend's shirt. The two smiled at each other.

"It's uh... it's pretty late... let's head back to sleep, shall we? Clair said, getting ready to head back to his room. Reyson took his hand, stopping him. He looked at the cat firmly, but still with lingering traces of bashfulness.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" He asked, looking down at his bedsheets, which were still fairly wet with tears. Clair was a bit surprised at the request, but it soon turned into a hearty laugh.

"Of course you can! After all, I've slept with plenty of guys already, so this is nothing new to me~... Let's get you cleaned up first though, okay?" Reyson nodded with a silly grin.

After taking a quick shower together, they fell asleep in each other's arms shortly thereafter. It was the most peaceful sleep either of them had ever had in years.

The next morning, the two of them were startled awake by the sound of Reyson's alarm. They looked at each other, and both decided to call in sick to continue sleeping in together.