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The white ceiling... How many times have I stared at it in an attempt to fall asleep? Countless of times... I stared at the white ceiling in an attempt to clear my mind... It didn't work. Instead, more thoughts and questions seem to come by... My old diary doesn't have any more written pages but that didn't mean my life ended with that. And when I look back to what I have accomplished today, I can honestly say I'm proud of myself for what I did. I fought my way out of everything... Sometimes literally... For so long, I've been inside this cube that got smaller and smaller as each day passed by until I finally managed to break out of it. Things were really difficult back then... I was an emotional wreck and totally shut myself down from the outside world... I wanted to stay inside my room where it was safe and if that meant that I would lose my friends because of it, then so be it. I didn't need them like they didn't need me. I'd find my own way, like I always did. But truth was, I couldn't find my own way anymore... I just didn't know where I was going anymore...

No matter how lonely you are, there's always someone to reach out a hand and to help you get back on your feet. To me, it felt as if I was hanging on a cliff while everyone you know just waited for you to fall. And you just yell out loud for help, but no one seems to be responding... And then all of a sudden, someone reaches out a hand... Two hands, to be exactly, from the people I least expected from. Simon and Catherine and my relatives, especially my grandmother, would do everything they could to help me. But they didn't know what really happened... It was something I had to do by myself... I figured I got myself in this mess and I need to get out of it as well. But like I said, sometimes, all it takes is just a nudge in the right direction...

I was an emotional wreck at the age of sixteen because of all the things I experienced throughout my short life. I hardly ate... Rarely talked... Whenever someone tried to talk with me, I was always on my guard and didn't trust a living soul on the planet... Not even my friends. I didn't have a social life anymore... And it's something I don't wanna wish my worst enemies... It's fucking awful... Night after night, I kept thinking how and why it turned out like this and why I stayed over at Mikaela's place that night... Would it made any difference if I didn't? I wouldn't know... It's something I will never know the answer to... But what I saw that night stays with me... Even today, I can't let it rest... I closed my eyes and I saw them again... I was afraid that it would even happen in my own room one night... So I stayed awake... I had sleepless nights before it happened but afterwards, I had more sleepless nights than I ever had... I had a good night if I slept for four hours... It was exhausting for me... I was psychically and emotionally drained because of everything that happened... I had more nightmares in that period of my life... Not just what happened at Mikaela's place but also nightmares of the war... It stayed with me all too well... It made itself perfectly clear at night... I remember I had this dream a lot... I was hiding in that building with other people when they came in... Took out their knives and machetes as one of them said it was a waste of ammo... I was hidden behind a fallen desk but I had a good view on everything that was happening... A young girl received a blow on the back of her head with the butt of his rifle... And while she was disoriented and dizzy, she tried to crawl away from them... Instead, one of them got on top of her and placed the sharp blade against her neck while he pulled her head back by her hair... Slowly, very slowly, he started to cut... The dark red blood was seeping down her neck as the slit he made became bigger and bigger... I saw that the tears were running down her face as she screamed in pain... But the yelling didn't last long... Her screams of pain quickly turned into gurgling and her neck squirted blood with each breathe she tried to take... Her face turned pale in no time as her eyes were slowly rolling upwards until they were white... He managed to separate her head from her body... And as her body fell forwards, a large puddle of blood was coming out... At that moment, I closed my eyes so that I didn't have to watch it anymore... But I heard it... I heard the bone chilling screams... All I could do was to wait until they left... All but one didn't left... If that soldier didn't saved me back then, the same would've happened to me... A scary thought... But in that nightmare, the soldier didn't save me... He didn't come for me that night... And every time I had that dream, I felt the sharp blade against my neck... Slowly cutting it... Feeling the warm blood streaming down my neck and how my clothes got soaked while I was feeling colder... Trying to scream for help when there's no sound coming from your throat... In that dream, I sometimes see myself getting decapitated or I see it from my own perspective... But either way, it was something that really upset me... Whenever I woke up, I cried my eyes out for realizing I was still alive... For realizing I did see it did happen with someone else...

I had months of sessions with a psychologist to deal with everything that happened during the war. They call it a post traumatic stress disorder. But no matter how many times I talked about it, it never seemed to help me... It weren't very pleasant experiences... All it seemed to do was to bring up those memories again... So I hope you understand if I don't go in detail about it... Instead, I found my own way to deal with things... I wrote things about my life on paper, in that diary to get it off my chest. But every time I read things over, I started to cry... That diary contained my life-story until I reached the age of sixteen... And after that, I haven't written it anymore... I can't remember why I stopped writing in that diary. But every time I wrote, I felt liberated, even if it was for just a short time. It felt as if it was a cure for only a limited amount of time... But it felt great... I tried to express myself in words rather than emotions, even though it was meant not be read by anyone. It helped me back then for only a short time. I tried to write about my feelings and what it did to me when Sarah broke up but I always choked down in my own tears whenever I tried... So I stopped writing ever since Sarah left me because it had no use for me to write anymore...

Things went really shitty during high-school at the time... I received bad grades mostly because I couldn't focus on school. Not to mention all those sleepless nights I had... And like I said, it drained me psychically and emotionally... Every day, I was absolutely shattered when I got in class... A lack of motivation in pretty much everything was also the cause. I just couldn't give a shit anymore and would praise the day that I was going to get hit by a bus and actually die so that I would finally have peace. I didn't interact with my classmates anymore and whenever someone tried, I was always on guard and tried to keep people at a distance... And whenever they didn't get the hint, I got aggressive just to "scare" them away... Either verbally or psychically... Let's just say it didn't help me either. I got in trouble for speaking up my mind against people... And I actually remember when I got into a fight one day and heard someone say that I was crazy. Was I...? How crazy do you have to be when others consider you crazy? The thought kept going throughout my mind, thinking that I really was crazy. Things spread out like a wild fire... And instead, people started to avoid me... All but two...

A couple of weeks after Sarah broke up, I was an absolute mess. I hit rock bottom and couldn't sink any lower even if I tried. Each and every day, I came home and went upstairs to my room, flopped down on my bed and waited until the day was over, knowing that things would stay the same the next. One afternoon, I was on my bed staring in blank space until I heard a quiet knock on my door. And when the door opened up, I saw someone I haven't seen in quite a while... It was Blain, coming in my room with a box of chocolates and smiling weakly at me while I just stared at him for a moment...

'The fuck do you want...?'

'Hey...'

'I haven't seen you in months and then all of a sudden, you come here thinking everything would be fine?'

'No, not really.'

It stayed silent for a moment as Blain kept standing in the doorpost, hesitating whether or not to come in my room. To me, it felt strange that he was in my room that afternoon. I haven't seen or talked to him in months and all of a sudden, he was back again... What the hell did he need from me? Why the hell did he even bothered to come in my room anyway? He wasn't there for me when I needed him the most... As a friend... He was too busy with miss what's-her-face and forgot about me...

'I got you some chocolates...'

'Thanks... Just leave it on my desk and go away... I just wanna be left alone right now...'

Well, by the looks on his face, he didn't expect that answer... He blinked a couple of times and looked surprised at me but what was he expecting from me anyway? To have a jolly good conversation like we used to? To catch up like old times? Most definitely not... He placed the chocolates on my desk like I told him to but he didn't leave... He just stood near my desk, looking at me...

'You still here...?'

'You're not making this very easy for me...'

'I don't think you came here just to catch up on old times... Just say what you wanna say and fuck off...'

It stayed silent for a long time while I looked at him. Poor guy... I was such a bitch back then... He was nervous and didn't even look at me anymore...

'I, uh... I just wanna say I'm sorry... I truly am... I know you tried to call me and to see me but...'

'But you were too busy with Rachel...'

'Yeah... I know... And... Your mom told me that you don't feel well for the last couple of weeks and... I realized things changed between us because of my relationship with Rachel... And well... Uh... Heh... I think it's best for me to leave now... I hope you get well soon...'

At that moment, he made his way to my door to get out of my room... And to see him walking away like that made me regret treating him as a piece of shit... It was really uncalled for to treat him like that, even if he wasn't there for me when I needed him... But from all the people I know, he was the only one in my room that afternoon to talk, while I still needed him... And it made me regret that I ever tried to blame everything on him... It wasn't fair towards him and neither was it towards myself...

'Blain...?'

He stopped dead in his tracks and slowly turned his head while he had a lot of difficulty to look at me. He was ashamed... But nevertheless, he did...

'Yes...?'

'Don't go... Please don't leave me alone...'

At that point, he faced me and walked towards me while I sat upright in bed... Blain sat next to me while I put an arm around his shoulder and hugged him tight... And after a moment of hesitation, he put an arm around me as well... I closed my eyes as the tears were rolling down my face... And for the first time in weeks, I had the feeling that someone comforted me... Blain looked down on me as he wiped the tears out of my eyes...

'I don't... I don't really know how to explain this... It's... It's all new to me.'

'You don't owe me an explanation, Blain... You're here now and that's all that matters to me at the moment... I'm sorry...'

'No, no it's okay... I really don't know... I wish I knew, but... I don't...'

It stayed silent for a long time again while we were just holding each other and him wiping my tears away every now and then... But after a while, I managed to calm down...

'Look... I know you and Rachel got something together... Truth be told, I don't know her... But you do, so I'm not stopping you.'

'I know, but that's just it... I really like Rachel as well but... I don't know... I mean... I changed a lot ever since I've been with her... I don't know what the hell is happening and more important, why... I'm happy around her and around you but it's just not the same... I do things I never thought I would, and... It's so fucked up; I don't know what to do. And the way she changed me scares me a little and I guess that's the reason why I have my doubts at the moment... Being with her for so long makes me realize that she's not like you at all. Sometimes I just feel as if she clings on to me way too much and I'm just too much of a chickenshit to tell her that... I've become a pussy...'

'You're not being a pussy... You're just in love, that's all...'

'Me?'

'Changes can be a good thing, Blain...'

'Yeah, but... I just want things back like they used to be you know...? You and me hanging out and stuff... I really miss that... And sometimes it seems as if Rachel knows that... As if she's afraid I'm having more fun with you and as if she wants to prevent that from happening...'

'I know...'

'Are you still mad at me, Ceylan...?'

'Kinda... But it'll pass, I guess...'

'Heh...'

'I can't stay mad at you, you know...'

'I know... I think my cute sparkly eyes and good looks are the reason for that. I can't blame you.'

'Hehehe... Don't push it, sweetheart.'

'I'm glad you still got your sense of humour.'

'Hm-mm...'

'So... How's Sarah doing? I haven't heard from her in a while...'

'Heh... Same here...'

'Whadda ya mean?'

'I haven't heard from her in a while either... She broke up with me a couple of weeks ago...'

'Oh... I'm sorry to hear that...'

'Which is one of the reasons why I feel so shitty...'

'You wanna talk about it...?'

I hesitated for a moment... But then I remembered the conversations we had in the past... I told him things that no one else knows about me. Blain was one of the very few people I could be myself and not to pretend who I thought I was. And that day, I felt worthless... A piece of shit... So there was no need to pretend that I wasn't...

'Only if you promise me that it stays between us...'

'Of course...'

And after that... I started talking. I told Blain everything... Absolutely everything... From the day that Sarah and I discovered each other... What we did... What we felt for each other... And how it all went downhill so all of a sudden... I told her about the night I stayed with Mikaela... What happened that night... I told him that it happened with Sarah as well and that she was taken to the hospital because of it... That she was placed out of her house... And that she lives on the other side of the country now with her aunt... I told him absolutely everything... The more I talked about it, the more I cried... I told him about Sarah the most... And all Blain did was listening and cuddling me... I cried my eyes out while we didn't say anything... But after a while, after I calmed down, Blain looked me straight in the eyes...

'Why didn't you go to the police?'

'I don't want to... I don't want to make it worse than it already is... I just wanted to be with Sarah and... I didn't think things would've turned out like this...'

'It really bothers you, doesn't it?'

'Yeah... I just miss her so much...'

'But you really need to move on and forget about her, you know.'

'How can you even say that...?'

'Because apparently, she forgot about you... Sarah doesn't talk to you anymore and she's obviously not bothered by the fact that it really hurts you... So... If she acts the way she does now, you should question yourself if she's really worth it. And maybe... Maybe someone like Sarah doesn't even deserve you...'

It was a strange answer to hear... Especially since that answer was coming from his mouth. I never expected Blain to be like this. But I guess being in a relationship does things to you. And all of a sudden, there was this switch that got turned on in my head and made me realize that he was right... How come it took so long for me to find the answer? I was heartbroken and sad because of the fact I wasn't with Sarah anymore. And apparently, that didn't affect her a tiny bit. So why the hell was I crying over her while she didn't even care about me anymore? After everything I did for her? Blain was right... Sarah wasn't worth it...

'Heh... Thanks, Blain...'

'Anytime...'

At that moment, his mobile phone went off... Some techno ringtone that would drive you insane if you heard it for more then ten seconds... But luckily, he answered quickly... And the way he was talking on his phone made me realize he was talking to his girlfriend Rachel... Blain told her that he was with me and that I needed some company. That we haven't seen each other in a while... I didn't get the full conversation but something told me she wasn't happy with the fact that Blain was in my room that afternoon... I could hear her shrieking voice... Blain just rolled his eyes and smiled at me and told me he would call her later that evening. I know Blain had his doubts about his relationship but he seemed happy with her. And just because I had a shitty love-life didn't mean he should give up his so that he could be there for me whenever I needed him. And I needed him bad... As a friend... But if his girlfriend wanted to prevent him from seeing me, I figured it could go two ways. He either left me for Rachel... Or he left Rachel for me... I didn't know the answer that afternoon... But I knew I would find out... And that it was something he had to figure out by himself if he really wanted to be with her if he wanted things to return like they once were with me... After he disconnected the call, he looked at me and smiled weakly... And it was very difficult for me to say it...

'Go on... Just go to her, okay...?'

'You sure...?'

'Yeah... But... Do me a favour, will you?'

'Anything...'

'Remember this conversation we had... Ask yourself if it's all worth it in the end and if you really want to stay with her... And... If I really mean that much to you as a friend... Because I really don't want to lose another one... Especially not you...'

He looked surprised at me and didn't know what to say for a moment...

'Please... Do it for me, Blain... For a friend... That's all I ask...'

'I will...'

No hug... No kiss on my cheek... Not even a smile... All he did was looking up and down, sighing and closing his eyes... Blain got up and made his way to my door... And at that point, I thought he wouldn't do it. That he wouldn't keep his promise or that he understood what I said to him... But to my surprise, he got hold of the box of chocolates he brought and sat back on my bed again. He removed the plastic wrap and threw that in the bin... And as he opened up the box, there were these tiny little chocolates filled with hazelnut crème... These were my absolute favourite and he knew that all too well... He just looked at me and smiled while he held the box of chocolates in front of my nose...

'Want one?'

I looked Blain straight in the eyes... I felt something that afternoon I haven't felt for a while... Something so warm... Something so gentle... So pure and so innocent... Trust is the key in any kind of relationship... So I closed my eyes as I slowly felt another burden coming off my shoulders... I didn't know what it did to me... But it felt so wonderful... And when I opened my eyes again, I smiled for the first time in weeks...

Things in high-school? Meh... They stayed pretty much the same. I minded my own business and didn't meddle with other people. People didn't meddle with me and I was perfectly fine with that. Except there was this one girl who tried to get to know me for some reason or another... This girl had a locker in the row that I had, so I saw her every day. And if you've been listening to me from the beginning, you'd probably guess who that girl was. Yeah, that's right, the cougar girl I was having a fight with. I'm talking about Samantha encase you didn't figure it out... But anyway, I saw her every day and ever since that fight, she said hi to me whenever we saw each other in the hallways. She really wasn't that bad as I described her. She's actually very sweet and gentle as long as you don't piss her off... Why she tried to get to know me better was something I'll never know, but it's probably because she always saw me sitting alone. Whenever we had lunch, she left her friends and sat with me at the table instead. The first time she tried to start a conversation during lunch was something that... Went really, really strange... I can't imagine that I once used to be like that... Sam placed her lunch tray on the table and sat across me while I stared at her as if she was some kind of alien...

'Hey!'

'Hey...'

'So... Uh...'

I looked at her for a short moment, but as soon as I noticed she stopped talking, I continued eating...

'How are you?'

'Good.'

'... Good, good. So do you know who's gonna be your date to the dance?'

'Dance? I didn't know we had one...'

'In four months from now. Don't tell me you didn't see those posters at the bulletin boards.'

'I'm not going...'

'You're dateless? We should find someone for you, then! Too bad all the hot guys are taken...'

'That's because I turned down everyone who asked me.'

'Why?'

'Because I'm not going.'

'Oh... But... I still think you should go. It'll be a lot of fun!'

"Is she gonna ask me for the dance? Is she fucking serious?!" It's not that Sam wasn't pretty... Samantha looked prettier than Sarah... But just imagine Samantha and me dating each other... Everyone would be staring at us... Would they really accept it if they saw us together...? We'd both be wearing evening dresses... We'd both look good... We'd have a great time, possibly... And if she took me home, would she believe in kissing on a first date...? Would she...? And maybe she even believes in sex on a first date...? Come to think of it... I've never been out on a date before...

'With whom?'

'Uh... Well, I'm sure someone is gonna ask you.'

'What makes you so sure?'

'Because you're pretty. Pretty girls are bound to be asked.'

She kept on and on about the dance and that I should go with someone and how awesome it would be... She didn't know that I have a preference for pussies so going to the dance with a guy was highly unlikely for me. And it actually made me regret I ever started a fight with her in the first place. You know that movie Forrest Gump with Tom Hanks? And how he sits at a bench at a bus-stop, talking to strangers about pingpong, chocolates, shrimps, shoes and all that? Well, I was someone who sat next to him, listening while I didn't really give a shit. I could've punched her of course to shut her up but remembering how it went last time, it wasn't such a great idea... So I stayed quiet and politely nodded to make her shut up and for her to get the hint... But she kept blabbering! Seriously, I lost track. One moment, she talked about the dance and hot guys and before I knew, I heard something about her new leather high heeled boots that seemed too small around her ankles and hurt every time she touched down. So you can imagine how relieved I was when I heard the bell and that lunch break was over. Sam picked up her tray and told me that she liked talking to me. Of course she did, she was the only one who talked... But nevertheless, before she left, she smiled at me... And I swear, that was the most beautiful smile I've ever seen...

In the weeks following, she did the same. Sitting with me during lunch... Hell, I already got used to it, but she really wasn't so bad... I started to like having her at my table. Samantha was just so vivid and positive and so full of life while I totally wasn't at that age. It was contagious... Whenever she was thrilled about something, she talked with so much passion that it started to make me curious. And the more we talked, the more curious I was about her. What drove her to talk to a complete stranger who tried to kick her ass last time? Why didn't she hold a grudge against me for that? It's like she totally forgot that it ever happened. She's an easy talker and talked to me as if I knew her for years. She seemed to have a wide range of interests so it wasn't actually a surprise that movies and martial arts were on her list. That was pretty much the only thing we had in common. But why the hell was she trying so hard to be my friend? Did she have a crush on me? That was the only logical explanation I had to those questions... Nevertheless, the fact that she tried so hard had a positive effect on me. I started to talk to her as well and as the weeks passed by, I realized Samantha and I weren't really so different after all. She actually liked me... And maybe she wanted something else from me... But despite the fact we could get along together very well made me feel a little uncomfortable. I was on guard each and every time she talked to me, seeing if I could find anything suspicious about her... It was great and all, but what the hell was she really after...? If she just wanted to have sex with me, she'd have to try a lot harder than that... I don't give in to temptation so easily even though it was... Very tempting...

'I've been meaning to ask you something for a long time now, Ceylan.'

'Oh...?'

'Yeah. I know you practice Tae Kwon Do and well...'

'I haven't practiced in ages... I stopped practicing Tae Kwon Do...'

'What? Why'd you quit?'

'Because I don't feel like it anymore...'

'Oh...'

'But what is it you'd like to ask me?'

'Well... I was just wondering if you'd like to go to the gym with me some time, you know. Maybe we could spar against each other or something tonight...'

'Heh... I don't think that-'

'Aww, come on! It'll be a lot of fun! There are tons of people out there to meet and they always love to see someone new! And besides, I can get us free drinks. Whadda ya say?!'

'I'll think about it...'

'Oh, well... It starts at seven tonight... Wear something baggy if you'd like to come. And don't worry about equipment, we've got plenty.'

I tried to come up with an excuse not to go, but hell, what was I supposed to tell her anyway? She knew I was lonely and to tell her that I was going to hang out with my grandmother on a Friday evening didn't sound like a good excuse, even though it was something I did most Friday nights. I already knew that I wasn't going but as long as Samantha thought that I was, she wouldn't ask questions...

'You know where it is?'

'No?'

'Cambridge lane. It's right next to Bedhampton Community Centre, you can't miss it.'

'Alright...'

'Great! Hope to see you tonight!'

'M'kay...''

And while Sam was smiling at me, she got her bag and made her way to her next class while I stayed behind, still wondering why...

After school was over, I went straight over to my grandma's house, like I usually did on a Friday evening whenever I wasn't spending the night with friends. But I didn't have friends anymore, so the choice was easily made. Some teens hang out together on a Friday evening and so did I, except I was hanging out with my grandmother at her place. I don't give a shit what people say if they found out that I did, because I swear, if anyone talks shit about my grandmother or my relatives, I will make them clean my toilette with their tongues until they can't taste the difference between shit and friend chicken and if that doesn't do it, I will show them my boot and will tell them it will fit up their ass with the proper amount of force.

And trust me when I say that because if I make a threat, I'll carry it out... My grandmother is someone I look up to and she seems to be the only one who truly understands me...

My grandmother always expected me on a Friday evening and every time I visited, she greeted me with a gentle hug with a big smile on her wrinkled face. It's contagious really to see her smile. Even the most depressed emo will smile whenever they see her. And after that warm and loving embrace, she dragged me to the living room, planted me on a chair at the kitchen table and shoved a plate of food and a drink in front of my nose. And after we had enough, we sat on her couch, either talking or watching movies. Sometimes, I brought DVD's along and this one time, when Uncle David bought a DVD player and my grandmother wasn't used to it yet, she was amazed that such technology existed. Video's on a disk, who'd have thought? She didn't know the DVD was supposed to be in the DVD player and instead, she placed it in the CD player when I went to the bathroom. She thought it was a music CD and my grandmother found it rather suspicious when it didn't play. I told her the DVD should've been put in the DVD player instead and to press play. And all of a sudden, she burst out in a hysterical laugh fit because of her own ignorance... She was wondering what that new device was near the TV that never seemed to work...

After we stuffed ourselves, we sat on her couch and she brought a nice hot cup of tea and popped the lit of her tin cookie jar, filled with chocolate cookies with sugar sprinkles. We started talking and I told her about Sarah... She was the only one in my family who knew about her and my relationship with her. I told my grandmother she broke up with me and that it was very difficult for me to deal with...

'I know how that feels, kitten... We've all been through that...'

'Yeah...'

'But you shouldn't sit around and mope and watch how life flies by you. You should do what you always did! Go out, have fun, meet new people!'

'That's what Sarah said...'

'Then do what she tells you to do! There are so many things out there for you to discover! I wish I was your age again so that I could discover it all over again.'

'Heh...'

'No matter how difficult it may seem, to accept it is the only logical solution. You can mope around and feel sad about it but it doesn't take you anywhere, kitten. To accept things the way they are is the easiest way to live. And of course there will be difficult times but you should always remember to let it come over you and not to think about things too much. We already make our lives so difficult for ourselves while it's not necessary. So why make it even more difficult? I can only say to enjoy the good days and to accept the bad days. Why would you only accept the good days and not the bad ones? The negative stays with us, but the sooner you manage to accept, the easier it is to live on.'

'Heh...'

'I wouldn't worry about things too much, sweetheart. You're a very beautiful and smart young lady and I believe you will make new friends. You just need to open yourself up and things will come. I'm sure you will meet someone, kitten.'

'Well, actually, there's someone I met...'

'Oh?'

'Yes. Her name is Samantha and I don't really know her that well. I had a fight with her a couple of months back and well... We roughed each other up pretty bad.'

'My goodness, dear...'

'It's okay, we made up in the end so...'

'Is she also into Kung-Fu?'

'Kung-Fu? Hehehe, no, no, she's a kick boxer.'

'What was it that you did?'

'Tae Kwon Do... And well, Samantha asked me if I wanted to come to the gym to practice and-'

'Then you should go!'

'What? No, I don't think that-'

'Yes! I'm sure you two will have a lot in common if she asked you.'

'We're not going on a date or something...'

'I'm not saying that. You should go so that you can set your mind on other things. Do you see where I want to go?'

'Yes, yes, acceptance, have fun, meet new people, I know. I get your point, nana.'

'I'm glad you do, sweetheart. Now go to her and have fun already.'

'It already started at seven; I'm an hour too late. I don't think I'll be getting in...'

'You don't know unless you try... So many opportunities are there for you. All you have to do is to take it.'

My grandmother had a point. I needed to go out to find some distraction. I needed to have fun. Maybe that was all I needed. Maybe I had to see things differently rather than the usual black and white portrayed life that I led. My grandmother only encouraged to do it, just so that I might change back in the venturous, outgoing girl I once was. She did it for me. And if I'd do this, I would be doing it for myself. It all made sense once I thought logically about it. Why wouldn't I go? What did I have to lose? Besides, it's just for a couple of hours and if I didn't like it, I would go home earlier. But this one little thing was in the way and that was the fact that I absolutely don't know anyone there besides Samantha. And I don't even know Samantha that well... But sometimes, you need to take risks in order to find what you're looking for... And my grandmother made that perfectly clear to me that evening...

'What about you, nana?'

'Oh, don't worry about me, kitten. Besides, Aunt Isabelle bought Dirty Dancing for me and I know how to use the CD player now.'

'DVD player.'

'Yes, that. Hihihi...'

'That's the TV remote you're holding, nana.'

'My goodness, so many remotes... Can't they just invent a remote that is suitable for all electronic devices?'

'They already exist...'

'I can hardly keep up with technology these days...'

After I set up the DVD for her, we got up and we said goodbye... It's funny whenever I stand in front of her. I'm two heads bigger than my grandmother. She's either small or I'm very big... She gave me a firm cuddle and gestured to bend over so that she could kiss my cheeks. I kissed her goodbye as well and cuddled her for a moment... And after that, I made my way out of her house with a smile on my face...

On the way home, I started to feel nervous, really. I had no idea what to expect... Once I got home, I gave Catherine and Simon a firm cuddle and told them I was going to the gym to work out. And they both looked a little surprised when I said that with a smile... I felt so depressed and lacked the motivation to do pretty much anything and all of a sudden, they heard I was going out and saw me smile. But nevertheless, they smiled back as I ran upstairs to my room to pack my bag. I opened up my wardrobe and got out an outfit that I haven't worn in quite a while... My light blue sport bra and my grey shorts... I used to wear this all the time when I still practised Tae Kwon Do... Black fingerless gloves with a soft pad on the knuckles... And the white ankle supports I wear, considering I always practised on my bare feet... I looked at the clock and noticed it was already a quarter to nine... I had to hurry if I wanted to make it... So I rushed downstairs and quickly kissed Simon and Catherine goodbye. And so, I made my way to the gym...

Cambridge lane wasn't a place that I'd visit often. The houses and the apartments there were narrow and the lane itself was rather narrow with it's countless of alleys. The buildings look old and it seemed that they haven't been renovated in decades... You could easily get mugged if you weren't paying attention... Nevertheless, I reached the community building and the gym was next to it, like Samantha said it would be. The place seemed like all the other buildings. Old... It didn't seem out of place and I was wondering if I was at the right building. But when I opened the door, I came in a small hallway that led to another door. And after I opened it, I noticed it was the right place. It didn't seem like an ordinary gym. The place wasn't really that big but they did have changing rooms. A boxing ring in the middle while there were several punch bags suspended in the air. It looked like a dojo or something, focused on martial arts, but there were several other training devices as well, like dumbbell weights, treadmills, cross trainers and spinning bikes. There weren't many people inside but most of them were males and a couple of girls. And while I looked around, it wasn't so difficult to spot Samantha... Her back was facing me while she was practising on a punching bag, so she didn't see me... Sam had her blonde hair in a ponytail and was wearing a dark red sports bra, grey fingerless gloves and black shorts... And they really were short... I could see her muscled thighs with each kick she gave... Powerful left and right jabs... And each time she strikes, you saw how muscled she was... "Fucking hell..." Sam doesn't look like a girly girl whenever she fights... And I'd hate to be at the end of that jab... Her attacks were so powerful, fierce and lightning fast that it actually made me wonder who pissed her off in the first place... The guy who was holding the punching bag really tried his best not to fall back whenever she hit the bag with tremendous force... She looks so tender and slim and yet so muscled... Her legs were as hard as a rock... I can only describe it as being hit with a sledgehammer whenever you receive a kick in the face by her strong and muscled legs... That's how it looked like when she kicked the punching bag... And then I noticed something when she turned... She stopped for a moment to tug her shorts and I noticed she had a tribal tattoo of a feline on her right shoulder blade and a tribal tattoo just above her tail... "Wow... I never expected that from her..." Of course, I didn't really go unnoticed standing in the doorway looking at Sam and I noticed some people were watching me. The guy holding the punching bag looked at me and said something to Sam. All of a sudden, she turned around. She looked focused at first but after she saw me, a huge smile appeared on her face...

'Hey! You made it! I thought you weren't coming!'

Samantha grabbed her towel from the rack and wiped her forehead as she approached me. She placed it around her neck and let out a quick sigh as another smile appeared on her face. Was she always so cheerful...? So carefree...? It might've been me being the sourpuss all the time but the fact that Samantha was constantly smiling at everyone and everything seemed a little odd. But hell, that's just being me looking at things so negative all the time... She has a beautiful smile... And like most smiles, it's rather contagious once you've seen it... So I smiled back at her...

'Hey...'

'I see you got your own stuff.'

'Yeah, I found it in my wardrobe. I haven't worn these in ages...'

'It's a good thing you brought your own things with you. We do have clothes from the lost and found but uh... You don't want to wear that unless you like the scent of stinky muff clothes that have been lying here for years.'

'Hehehe...'

'Well, come on! Let's get going! Changing rooms are over there and I'll see ya in a bit, okay?'

'Sure thing.'

So I made my way to the girls changing room. Once I closed the door, I found myself alone in a neat, clean changing room with light blue tiles on the ground with wooden benches on the wall and in the middle. There were lockers on the left side which required a fifty cent coin in order to use it. Large mirrors were on the wall and I did see a door to the bathrooms and around the corner, there was a separate shower area with two rows of showers, separated from each other to give some sort of privacy. I opened up my bag and quickly got dressed in my shorts and top. And the moment I got out my gloves and put them on, I felt like Rocky Balboa when he faced Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. I tightened my gloves and strapped them securely around my wrists as the tune of "Eye of the tiger" went through my mind for some odd reason or another. And I might've even hummed it quietly... I know it sounds a little weird but after I saw how Sam treated that punch bag, I became rather nervous to say the least and humming that song quietly made me feel invincible... I'm weird, I know that... I put on my ankle supports braces and firmly strapped them around my ankles... And when I got up from the bench, I saw myself in the mirror... "Hot dayumn, you're looking good..." I took a good look at my legs and at the rest of my body... I flexed my abdomen muscles and this feminine six pack showed just below my top... I flexed my biceps and this little lump appeared... That's all I needed, just a little peptalk... Just to remind me what I was capable of...

'Go get 'em, tiger...'

So after that little "peptalk", I made my way outside the changing room where Samantha already returned to kicking and punching the shit out of that punching bag. The guy who was holding the punching bag for her wasn't there anymore. Instead, he was getting his ass kicked in the ring... And when Samantha saw me, she smiled once again...

'Wow, look at you... You look good!'

'Thanks...'

'You practiced Tae Kwon Do, right?'

'Yeah, I did.'

'Hey, Frank!'

Sam faced the direction of the small bar where an old raccoon guy looked up towards her and smiled. As we both made our way to the bar, the guy leaned over and grinned at us.

'I see you managed to trick another victim in.'

'Pssh, victim...'

'Whatever happened to that other girl, Elisabeth? I haven't seen her in ages. Did you hide her body or something?'

'Hehehehe... Naah, she's too busy with school and her boyfriend. She doesn't have time for us'

'Uh-huh... And she's replacing her.'

'This is Ceylan. She's a friend from school.'

'Hi...'

'Well, hello there. It's always nice to see a new face coming in.'

'Thank you...'

'Hey Frank, you still got those jab pads somewhere?'

'I got 'em right here, sweet pea.'

'Aww, thanks, you found them! Oh and uh... Don't call me sweet pea.'

'Sure thing, sweet pea.'

'Let's just get going.'

'Don't rough her up too bad now, you hear?'

'Don't tell me you're not into girl on girl action anymore.'

'Hehehehe... If Susan heard you say that, she'd be very upset.'

'I thought you were my mother, Frank.'

'Haha, touché! Have fun.'

'Thanks! Will do!'

While we were walking towards the ring, we noticed the fight in the ring was cut short when that guy who was holding Sam's punching bag was sitting on the floor while his opponent was leaning against the ropes, smiling down with a certain satisfaction on him. When we were near the ring, the guy in the ropes looked towards us and walked towards the guy on the floor, reaching out a hand. He got up and they both stepped down from the ring while Sam patted him on his shoulder with a smile. The fight didn't last very long...

'Better luck next time, Joey.'

'Meh...'

Sam got in the ring and looked at me while she reached out her hand while I was wondering why two big muscled felines would make way for two teenage brats... But that didn't seem to bother Samantha... Again, that pretty gentle smile on her face... I took her hand as I smiled back at her and she pulls me up... She put on the pad gloves, which look like boxing gloves except they have a large cushion, meant for training purposes. She held her pads up while she kept smiling at me. And after a moment of hesitation, I gave a right jab at her right pad... Sam kept provoking me while she kept that innocent grin and the longer she kept doing; the more irritated I started to feel by her as she kept prancing around the ring... The jabs I threw at her weren't quite so powerful and fierce but she kept provoking me... Every now and then, I missed and that only pissed me off even more... Slowly but steady, I felt how it all came back... The adrenaline was slowly building ever since I threw the first punch... I became angrier with each minute passing by... I didn't know where all that anger came from... It only seemed to get worse... And all of a sudden, I felt the adrenaline rushing through ever fibre of my body as I felt my blood boiling underneath my skin with each punch I gave... All that anger was acted out on those cushions... And it felt so great to release it... Things got only more intense when I started to use my legs. I think Sam wasn't prepared for that... Giving turn and high kicks with such a tremendous amount of force felt great... Samantha tried to focus and block my attacks with her pad gloves but I think she had a hard time with that... The feelings that were rushing through my body stacked up... She held the pads up as high as possible, as if it was a challenge... As if I couldn't hit it... So I turned my body, build up the pressure on my feet and kicked up high with all of my strength... The blow she received on those cushions was so powerful; she stumbled backwards and fell down... And then I got snapped back to reality... While I was panting, I noticed a few were watching us... And that Joey guy just gawped at me... I looked at Samantha but she had a huge smile on her face... Realizing I was in the spotlights like that, made me feel a little embarrassed...

'Wow... I didn't expect that from you.'

I walked towards her and reached out a hand to help her get back up on her feet. We got out of the ring and went towards those punching bags where we could go all out against... And while we did, we started talking about pretty much everything just to get to know each other better. And well, there was this click I never imagined that took place between us. She's the kind of girl who gets along well with everyone and I just don't know how she does it. Samantha knows exactly how to start a conversation and how to make someone feel comfortable. I was just so amazed by that and to see how she fights... It's because the conversations we had during practice made me realize Sam and I aren't really any different. And by the end of the evening when most people already went home, it felt as if I had a new friend... For so long, I felt depressed and everything, absolutely everything, just vanished into thin air... All the worries, all that anger, all that sorrow... It felt so great to have found a way to vent things out I was so ashamed to talk about... It felt as I discovered it all over again... All thanks to Samantha... And up to this day, I'm still grateful that she ever asked me to come...

By the end of the evening, Samantha and I were exhausted after kicking and punching the shit out of the punching bags. But still, like she said, she managed to get free drinks from Frank and we sat at a table, near the bar where we were enjoying our Cokes, still talking about all sorts of things...

'You seem to know a lot of people here.´

´Yeah... I used to live here in this neighbourhood. Frank runs this place for more then thirty years now and I came by ever since I was five years old.´

´You used to live here?'

'Yup... Frank trained my dad when he was young and he trained me as well.'

'Oh wow...'

'Hehehe... So you got any plans for tonight?'

'Naah, I think that if I got home and would flop down on my bed, I'd sleep immediately. How about you?'

'My boyfriend is picking me up in half an hour and well... I don't know what were going to do. We might as well stay home.'

'What's his name?'

'Devon.' she said with a dreamy smile...

'Hehehe...'

'Do you have a boyfriend...?'

'No, he broke up a couple of weeks ago...'

'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.'

'Heh... I still need to get over it but I'll manage, I guess...'

I took a sip from my Coke but it was so cold, my teeth started to hurt. And when I placed it back on the table, Sam looked at me...

'You know, I've been meaning to ask you something.'

'Oh?'

'Yeah. You talk with this accent. I'm just wondering where you're from.'

'Well, I was born in Salahadihn.'

'You were...?'

'Yeah.'

'I remember seeing it on the news when I was young...'

'Heh...'

'About genocide in a couple of refugee camps...'

'I was in one of them.'

'Oh...? Was there ever a-'

'Look... Don't take this the wrong way, Sam, but I don't want to talk about it. Besides, it happened long ago and it's not relevant to me anymore. I got over that a long time ago.'

'I'm sorry...'

'Don't be, it's okay.'

I was lying through my teeth when I told her that... I think it was very sweet of her to care for me while she hardly even knew me. And I even noticed her hand was placed on mine. She quickly removed it after that but that gesture meant a lot to me. I can tell a lot from peoples faces whether or not they can be trusted. And right that very second, I knew that I could trust Samantha. And I knew that this would be the beginning of a great friendship. But Sam looked a little embarrassed after that... So I changed the subject on how I got here. I told her I was adopted by loving parents and how strange everything was when I first got here. We exchanged stories about all of sorts of things we've been through and we had such a great time, that we actually forgot the time... And at around half passed twelve, she said something I wasn't prepared for...

'I think Frank is getting impatient to close down.'

'Hehehe...'

'Let's hit the showers then.'

'S-Shower...?'

'Yeah. Don't tell me you never showered after practice.'

'Heh, n-no... No, of course not.'

'Let's go, then...'

Of course I always showered afterwards... But that was in a private cubicle where you could lock the door... I wouldn't have privacy here... As we made our way to the changing room, I thought up of an excuse not to take a shower... But there wasn't an excuse I could think off... I had towels but no washing clothes, no shower gel, nothing... Lamest excuse ever but it might work... Once Sam closed the door of the changing room, she went to a locker and opened it, placing her bag on the ground. When we both got our bags, she got out her clothes and shower gel and everything... This might even work... So I pretended to look for shower gel in my bag...

'Shit...'

'Hm?'

'I forgot to take shower gel.'

'You can borrow mine if you want.'

"Oh peachy fucking creamy"...

'Oh, okay... Thanks...'

I guess there wasn't really a way to talk myself out of it without me making an ass of myself in front of her. Samantha was facing the wall when she removed the hair band out of her ponytail and let down her long blonde hair... And then all of a sudden, she took her top off while she wasn't wearing a bra... Her breasts were fairly big... Nice and round... And then she removed her shorts... Samantha bended over right in front of my nose to remove them... All I could do was to stare at those beautiful feminine curves that she has... Her ass was so sweet and round as if it was made to fit in my hands perfectly... Her pink thong looked so good on her... And then she bended over to remove her thongs as well... It all seemed to go in slow motion when she took them off... Her tail hole was visible... Then her pussy was slowly revealed... A pink slit... I bet she must be so tight... And I bet her pussy must taste so great... I can only imagine what she likes... What drives her wild... If she can be seduced... Seeing her gorgeous figure and her pussy did something to me... Just the thought of what I could do with her pussy turned me on... I'd be fingering her slowly... I would go down on her to satisfy her every need and desire... I would humiliate myself for her... Just to taste her sweet innocence... What were these feelings I started to feel...? Was I about to fall in love with someone I hardly knew...? Maybe... Maybe not... Maybe I felt lust that night... Maybe I just wanted someone of my own... But whatever it was, she was already taken... And realizing someone else was satisfying her every need in any way imaginable was something that was hard to swallow...

She was naked when she made her way to the shower area while I was still fully clothed. I felt nervous, of course I was. It was the number one reason why I always showered in a cubicle otherwise I would be staring at pussies all the time. But how could I resist after seeing her entire body... Her beautiful breasts and her feminine curves... "Should I do it...? Maybe I should get dressed and get the hell out of here... Don't be such a pussy... Maybe she'll even let you wash her back..." The thought of me washing her back seemed very appealing... So I quickly got undressed and got in the shower area myself...

When I got there, she already was taking a shower... I took the shower next to her and waited for the water to turn hot... And well, that was not the only thing that was running hot... Sam's back was facing me while I stared at her body... Her tattoos were so beautiful to see... And then all of a sudden, she turned around and smiled at me as she offered me her bottle of shower gel... I quickly averted my eyes and I got under the shower as well, pretending as if nothing ever happened...

'So where did you get those tattoos?'

'At a tattoo parlor' she said sarcastically with a smile.

'Hehehehe... Did it hurt?'

'The one above my tail? Yes, that hurt like hell. The one on my shoulder blade... Not as much as the one above my tail.'

'I'm thinking to get one...'

'Really? Are your parents okay with that?'

'I don't think so, no.'

'Hihi...'

'I still doubt to get one, though. How does it actually go?'

'Well, they shave the bit where you want a tattoo and use indelible ink to make the markings with needles in your skin. It actually changes the pigmentation of your fur and as your fur grows back, the pigmentation stays. So even when you shed fur, it stays. It's like fur dye except its permanent. And a hell of a lot more painful.'

'Sounds painful.'

'Yeah, it is. Hehehe...'

'I think I'll pass then. Besides, I was born with black stripes.'

'I think that looks so cool...'

'Hehehe...'

I saw how she was staring at me for a moment... But that moment, where she admired my stripes, made me feel really special... And all of a sudden, I wasn't ashamed to be naked with her... If only she would let me... Just one night, right here, right now... But I guess some things aren't meant to be...

When we got dressed, we made our way outside the changing room and said goodbye to Frank. And once we got outside, a handsome looking lynx was waiting on his scooter, while smoking a cigarette. Sam walked towards him and smiled as she threw her arms around him, giving him a quick kiss on his lips and it made me shudder after seeing that. I guess that was Devon... We got introduced by Sam as she told him what we did that night. And all I noticed on his face was a bit of a creepy smile... He flicked his cigarette away and put on his helmet on as Sam sat behind him on his scooter. All this time, she kept smiling and told me we should do it again next week... "Sure thing, sweet pea..." I told her I would see her in school next week... She put her helmet on as well and watched how they drove off into the night... And after that, I got on my bike and peddled my way home...

Once I got home, I stayed downstairs for a while to tell Simon and Catherine all about it. And I think they were glad that I finally found some distractions from everything. Nevertheless, it felt great... I felt really tired that night... So I kissed Simon and Catherine goodnight and made my way to the bathroom, quickly brushing my teeth and to wash my feet and went to my room to get undressed... I took off my panties and got down on my bed butt naked, covered by the warm sheets... And my mind drifted off to Sam and her gorgeous body, wondering what she and her boyfriend were doing at that very same moment... I could only imagine... Maybe her boyfriend tasted her sweet innocence between her legs... Maybe she was sucking him off, wiping his cum off of her sweet tender lips... I bet she had a pretty wild sex life... Does she swallow...? Is she dominant or quite the submissive girl...? I think Devon must've been the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet for being with her... She would enjoy taking that cock of his in her mouth, bobbing her head up and down slowly... Devon must've been driven insane by her sexy teasing... But nevertheless, she would get down on her back while he spreads her legs... Slowly penetrating that sweet wet pussy of her with that big cock she was enjoying just moments ago... Going slow at first because such a tight pussy like that needs to get used to something so big... I could imagine the two of them in all kinds of different positions... Imagining Samantha moaning was something turned me on... And visualizing how she got her brains fucked out by her boyfriend turned me on... I caught them while they were doing it but instead of looking surprised, Sam was smiling at me... I sat on her face and imagined her gently licking my pussy... So I closed my eyes and let my fantasies being portrayed in my mind while my fingers slowly slipped down between my legs...

The next day, I woke up on a Saturday morning at around eleven o'clock. I had a very peaceful night... I noticed my diary on my nightstand and flipped its pages. I never really noticed how much I've written in it. And I figured that I wrote for so long, so why would I stop now...? I took a good look at the last written page and saw it ended when Sarah left... The last thing I wrote in it was the following and I quote:

"She said she would never leave me, no matter what. She said that she will always love me, no matter what. But I guess those vows are easily broken when things get difficult. You always see in movies when things go bad between two people, they stick together and support each other through thick and thin. But I guess that's my problem. I think that life's too much like a movie sometimes where everything will be alright in the end. That they will kiss and make up and live happily ever after. She sent me a letter, explaining everything to me. But to me, it feels as if the letter doesn't explain anything to me. It just raises more questions then I already have. She told me she thought it's difficult for her to talk to me. But why? Why is it so difficult for her? What exactly changed between us...? Nothing changed, except for the distance, right...? Apparently, she thought differently... Sarah thinks that a long distance relationship isn't gonna work for us, especially after everything we did together. Sarah told me I had to find someone else. How's that even possible? How can she ever expect me to have someone else? I'll never find another girl like her, let alone to find someone whose feelings are the same that I share.

I often think of what I did wrong or if I ever hurt her feelings. She always told me that it wasn't me but the more she told me that, the more I started to think that it actually was me. If she thought that things were going too fast for her, why didn't she just tell me? I think it's obvious by now that I fucked it up. I get the hint. And Sarah makes that perfectly clear to me by not talking to me. And maybe I'm not talking to her because I feel so ashamed that I ever let it happen. As if I didn't do enough to save us. Her letter said that she will be waiting for me and that I will see her again one day. But it's obvious that she's not intending to see me anymore. Maybe she said that just to keep me on a leash. It hurts so much knowing she doesn't want to know me anymore. But still... I always hoped that she would come back to me... I guess I'm still delusional and cherish false hope while I know all too well that I will never see her again. She promised me so much but in the end, she didn't keep them. So what am I supposed to do now? I wouldn't know. Only time can tell..."

Reading that over and over again made me realize I wasn't gonna end my story like that... I was determined to bring it to a happy end, no matter what... Because I know I wasn't weak... I know I could do this... And I'd do everything I can to turn things around for myself... For the first time in years, I finally felt a little spark of hope. The will to fight... The will to live... The road was going to be long and difficult... But I would take on anything... So I got to my desk and turned my computer on. And after I started up Microsoft Word, I started to type, recalling memories what happened ever since the last time I wrote in my diary...

"Sarah told me to meet someone new. And I did... Her name is Samantha..."