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He knelt in the living room, looking around, wondering at the silence. "Alex?" he called. No response. Not one sound. "Alex! Are you there?"

A gurgling came from below him. He was kneeling over a man, methodically ripping chunks of flesh from the body. There was blood everywhere, the scent was overpowering. The red soaked through the gray and crimson jacket. Blue eyes looked up at him, questions in them. The man, no, Alex gurgled an unintelligible question.

Tristan tried to stop, but his hands moved of their own accord. Digging his claws into Alex's flesh and ripping out with tearing sounds, wheezing as he ripped a lung open.

He didn't want to do that, to hurt him. He loved Alex, but even as he thought that he heard himself say, "I'm going to kill you, do you hear me? I'm going to make you suffer, and when you die you go and tell the universe that nothing it does will ever hurt me again do you hear me?" He was screaming now.

No! He pulled himself away with all this will, all his strength. He needed to get away from Alex, from this broken body before he inflicted any more pain.

He pulled, and then he was standing. He was in a featureless hallway. Pale gray metal walls and a faint vibration under his feet told him he was on a ship. He didn't remember how he'd gotten there, but he knew he had to find someone. He was here looking for someone he had lost.

Left and right the hallway went on as far as he could see. Which direction had he taken? A faint sound on the right, someone running. He took off after him. "Alex!" he called.

The hallway curved for what seemed like forever. And the running man still sounded far. No matter how hard Tristan ran, he couldn't seem to catch up. The hallway straightened, and he saw the form in the distance, closer than he'd expected. He was the gray and crimson of Alex's jacket and pants.

"Alex! It's me! You don't have to run!"

Alex might have looked over his shoulder, Tristan couldn't tell at this distance, but he was running faster. Tristan pushed himself, he couldn't lose him. He couldn't lose him this time.

And then he had him cornered. The hallway had ended and Alex was against the wall, looking like a caged animal, while Tristan panted. He smiled at him, felt his lips stretched, but when he opened his mouth, instead of a greeting, of saying how happy he was to have caught up to him, hate poured from his lips.

"You're pathetic, you think you could run from me? I made you. You'll never be good enough for anything else than a fuck and hurting who I tell you. Love you? You think you deserve that?"

He was standing before Alex, holding something in his hand, offering it to Alex. "You want this, don't you?" it was an injector. "Come on, if you want it so badly, come and get it."

Alex took a step forward, his arms beginning to twist in painful ways.

Tristan took a step back. "Well, come on, I thought you wanted the cure. You were happy enough stealing it from me."

Another step for each of them. Alex's torso bend in an impossible angle and Alex screamed in pain.

"What's that? It hurts? Feels good, right? You deserve pain, don't you? Say it. Say it!"

Another step, and Alex's leg buckled under him. He fell to a knee to the sound of shattering glass.

"That's got to hurt. Maybe you have suffered enough?"

Alex opened his mouth, pleading with his blue eyes when he couldn't make sounds.

Tristan stretched his hand to Alex, who reached for the injector. Tristan tilted his hand as Alex's fingers touched it, letting it fall. Alex scrambled for it, but it crashed to the floor, shattering in tiny pieces, which turned into dots of lights, and then extinguished themselves.

Alex was on the floor, curled up into a deformed ball.

"Guess you didn't want it bad enough. But it's for the best, right? You know you can't live anymore, not without me, not without the real me. Without the constant pain, how are you going to remember you're alive? That I'm keeping you alive?"

Tristan grabbed Alex by the hair and pulled him up. Alex screamed as his body unfolded into a limp, broken parody of what it had been.

"Only one thing left to do right? You're of no use to me like this, so I'm going to be merciful this once and put you out of your misery." A slash across Alex's throat left three thin parallel lines there, as three lines of blood appeared on the wall. Alex gurgled and Tristan slashed again. The throat, the chest, the face.

"Die already!"

Alex tried to say something, but blood flowed from his lips. Then his hand was on Tristan's shoulder, squeezing it.

* * * * *

With a scream Tristan sat up, a hand in the air, claws out, still feeling the hand on his shoulder. Alex had just released it and was moving his hand away slowly.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his gaze going to Tristan's outstretched arm. There was no fear or worry in his eyes or voice, only a level or resignation.

Tristan followed his gaze, saw his hand, ready to strike Alex, and pulled it to his body, covering it with his other arm, as it that would hide what he'd been about to do.

"You were tossing and growling," Alex said.

"I--" He found he had trouble forming the words. He'd broken his word to Alex. He was afraid of how he would react, and to rattled to box the emotion. But above that he remembered he had promised not to lie.

"I dreamed I was killing you, making you suffer. Alex," he hurried to continue, "It was just a dream, I'd never do that to you, not anymore. You're too--"

"I believe you."

"You do?" Tristan studied Alex's face. It wasn't so dark he couldn't make out details, and he looked like he was being honest.

Alex smiled slightly. "You had a nightmare. I've never known you to have them, and it's about hurting me. So yes, I believe you when you say you won't hurt me." The voice was neutral, controlled, but the eyes honest.

Tristan reached for Alex's cheek, and the man flinched away.

"I'm sorry," Alex said, forcing himself remain still, even as Tristan stopped moving.

"No, you don't have to be. I've never given you a reason to expect anything other than pain from my touch. I don't expect you to be okay with me immediately, but I'm going to prove myself to you, now, and each day to come. Will you lie against me again?"

Alex didn't hesitate, He turned as Tristan lied on his side and pressed his back against him. "I'll always lie with you if you want me to."

"Only if *you* want to Alex." He kissed the back of the human's neck, breathed in his scent. "Never do something just because I said so. Equals, I said, and I meant it."

"I want this."

Three words, filled with desire. Three words that made Tristan's heart beat faster. He closed his eyes, nose in Alex's hair and fell asleep thinking of how wonderful it was that Alex still wanted to be with him.

* * * * *

He woke with a start. But didn't move. Alex was still pressed against him. He didn't want to wake him. Another nightmare, but he'd managed to wake himself before it had gotten too bad. Alex had walked away from him. Had abandoned him, left him alone. Even the memory of watching him leave, unable to convince him to stay made his chest tighten.

Ever so slowly, as to not wake him, Tristan pulled his arm from under Alex, noticing he had lost all sensation in it. He didn't mind. It would come back, and if that was the price to pay to have Alex at his side, well, he was willing to pay far more.

He stood, forcing his hand open and close to get the blood flowing. There was slightly more light, morning was coming. He walked to the cage and peered in it.

He could see himself, a child screaming at his father to be let out, asking for forgiveness that wouldn't come. He could see Justin there, explaining how letting him out would be good for both of them, show his father they could work together.

Tristan had believed him. He'd been young, naïve, and his brother had been faster to pick up on how useful naïveté was as a tool. But even as he'd gotten older Justin had found other ways of talking Tristan in letting him out, until Tristan had stopped listening. Had learned that the only way he could prevent himself from doing what Justin wanted was to ignore him.

Tristan rubbed his face. Why was he here?

He'd told himself he'd wanted Alex to know about this part of his life, but why? To be honest about who he was? Alex already knew who he had been, did it matter if he knew how he'd become this way? Did he think it would make Alex accept him more? He snorted, how much more could Alex accept him? After the atrocities Tristan had inflicted on him, if there had been any part of Alex who didn't accept him as he was, he would have left.

He studied the emotions that this place brought up and one surprised him. Shame? Had he brought Alex here in the hope he would see him for the unworthy man he was? The man who had let his father mistreat him, cage him, turn him into an uncaring person, unable and unwilling to feel anything toward other people? Had he hoped to chase Alex away by bringing him here?

If that had been the case, he had failed, and he couldn't recall ever having been happier had a failure than he was now.

"Tristan?" Alex's voice was concerned.

"I'm here." It was still too dark for Alex to see well. Maybe they should talk about visual implants? Widen his range of vision, maybe let him do coercing without a terminal. There were implants for that too.

He felt Alex's hand on his arm, then his side, as Alex pressed against him.

"Is that where the cage is?"

"Yes. I'm trying to understand why I came here. Why I brought you here."

"And?"

"I think that part of me wanted to chase you away." Alex tightened his grip on his arm. "Not like that. Alex, I'm not sure you understand how special you are. You found a way to care for me even when I gave you every reason to hate me. I think that part of me believes I don't deserve to have you by my side. I haven't earned the privilege. And I think that part thought that when you saw I hadn't always been this strong, you'd see through this mask my life is and leave me."

"You're my monster Tristan. I don't care how you became this way. But you really can't think of any other reason you'd want to come here?"

Tristan shook his head. Then remembering Alex wouldn't see. "No."

"You grew up here, it's home."

"It's just a place, and one that caused me only pain."

"Did it?"

"Of course, my father treated me..." his voice trailed off. The memory of laughter coming to him. He and his father in the forest, his father was telling him about the plants that grew around here. How they were useful, or not. The ways he'd had to test them on his own, the strange reactions he'd had to some of them.

He remembered companionable silences, as he and his father worked, skinning the animals Tristan had caught. Preparing the meat to be dried. The pride in his father's eyes.

"There were only a few pleasant times here."

"That's all it takes for a place to matter."

"I never considered that. Places were only that. Places. They have their use, or they didn't." He looked around, the almost gone cabin. The cage, the indentation in the ground where the fire pit had been.

Alex followed his gaze, there was enough light for him to see by now. "You said you set most of your hideouts in places like this, or close to them. I think you're trying to recreate home."

Tristan felt the spike of anger at the insinuation he wanted what he'd grown up with again, but let it flow through him without reacting. Maybe Alex was right in that he'd unknowingly tried to find the good times in his past.

"I think you've given me something to consider. I never thought about where someone comes from when it came to using them. Who they are now was all I needed, but if their past plays a part in who they are, what they want. If I understand that, I'd have more to control them."

Alex kissed his arm. "I'm glad you still think like that. That there is still some of my monster in you."

"You don't mind?"

"I don't call you my monster because I think it's sweet. I like the killer in you. I like that you will not hesitate to remove someone who stands in your way, who threatens you."

"Or you."

"Or me." Alex smiled. "You have hurt me, Tristan, but you've made me feel safe. I knew that so long as I was at your side. No one else was a danger to me, you wouldn't let them be. I might be fucked up, but that told me you cared for me, even if only as an object you possessed. I was yours, and if there is one thing I can count on, is that you will protect what is yours."

"But you weren't safe from me."

"That was part of my monster. I was okay with it. Still am."

"I'm not."

"So you've said. Which raised a question. What happens with our sparring sessions?"

The image of them fighting popped in his head, of his claws leaving three, thin, parallel lines on his already scarred flesh. With a jerk he moved away from Alex, hands raised and he saw those same three lines across Alex's throat, the blood spraying against a wall.

"Alex, I don't want to hurt you, not again."

Alex looked at him, amusement in his eyes, and Tristan stopped backing away, his breath taken away by the idea Alex was amused. When had he ever see that expression directed at him?

"Sparring kind of implies getting hurt," Alex said, smiling. "It's tough to improve without it."

"Alex, look at the scars I gave you. I rejoiced in hurting you."

Alex ran a hand over his chest, traced some of those thin lines. "I know. I wasn't stupid, I knew that you liked seeing me hurt. But it gave me a reason to fight harder. I can take the pain, you've seen to that."

"Alex, I--"

"Tristan, you can't let how you feel about me now, keep me from improving."

The idea Alex wanted Tristan to hurt him sent his emotions all over the place, and he couldn't grab hold of them, figure out what they meant, what he had to do about them.

"Alex, can we deal with this once we're done here? Please? I need some time to figure out how I feel about this, and I don't think in the middle of this job is the right time."

"Alright, but you said we were equal, right? That means I get to choose too. I want us to spar. I want you to keep training me."

Tristan nodded, the reprieve on having to decide letting his emotion settle in place.

"We should head back before Jacoby comes looking for us," Alex said. Tristan stepped to him and sniffed his neck "What?"

Tristan smiled. "I love how you smell right now, how my scent is all over yours, but I'm not sure Jacoby is going to appreciate it as much as I do. Human noses might be blunted, but he is going to pick up on it.

Alex smelled himself. "I guess I do reek."

"Nothing so unpleasant. There's a river not far from here. We can wash up there."

Alex smiled and ran a hand along Tristan's chest. Tristan found himself swallowing at the strength of his reaction to that touch, his entire body reacted, and Alex didn't miss that. His smile broadened. "Well, since we do have the options of getting clean, how about I get something I want first?"

His hand moved down until his fingers were caressing something very sensitive and Tristan found that all he could do was nod, as breathing had suddenly become difficult.