FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I stare at the glass plate of steaming hot food in front of me, a classic order of fries and a burger.

It looks freshly made too, a rare quality that only very few restaurants and diners have since most tend to take things out of the freezer and just heat them up.

I couldn't stand that kind of practice honestly, so thankfully it doesn't happen here.

As a bonus, the place is spotless, like someone really took the time and energy to make sure there was no visible stain anywhere.

The windows, tables and chairs all wiped down; even the public bathroom looked as if no one's ever used it.

Then again, I can't entirely be surprised as the employees make it a point to go out of their way and clean once a customer leaves. Which is common sense, but I admire the dedication of hygiene.

"Zeek!" A voice calls out, snapping my train of thought.

Looking up, I see a familiar grey rat with silver-framed circular glasses staring at me from across the table, having already started on his own portion of food, which is just a tad more than mine.

Half of a chicken sandwich that's bigger than my patty, a large order of fries and a helping heap of salad. Good choices, though it would take me a while to even get a quarter of that down.

I blink, looking at him in confusion. "Huh?"

The rat's yellow eyes flicked to my food, then back at me. "Not hungry?"

It takes me a few seconds to process that before shaking my head. "Oh no, I am, just got a lot on my mind as usual."

He raises an eyebrow at that, chewing on his sandwich until swallowing and rolls his eyes. "I swear you're in your head a lot. Like, all the time."

A small smirk makes its way up my muzzle as I hold up a finger. "Not when I'm playing games or watching anime."

"Well yeah," the rat snorts in amusement, "only because all that weeb shit and dudes in skimpy outfits gets you distracted. And don't think I don't see you getting all excited when there's a bigger guy on screen."

Just as he says that a beaver waitress walks up to us, smiling pleasantly and asking if we're enjoying our meal or need any refreshments. Standard protocol and procedure.

He answers her confidently that we're fine and enjoying our food, meanwhile I have my head turned, wishing I could just crawl into a ditch somewhere and die.

God, she probably heard all of that.

She doesn't linger long and is already moving toward the next set of customers who are thankfully rows of seats ahead of us.

"Seriously, Conner?!" I whisper through grit teeth as I whip around and glare at him with the power of a thousand suns. "You didn't have to say that out loud."

Conner simply looks at me with a grin and shrugs. "What? No one's gonna care you like guys with meat on their bones. Just means you know how to appreciate a man with curves."

"Oh my god, that's not the-" I bury my face in my paws, groaning. "Why are you like this?"

The rat lets out a chuckle. "Cause it's fun teasing you, duh."

A louder groan escapes me. Sometimes I really want to smack this man for being so dumb, but it would hurt me more than him.

Besides, I've already learned my lesson the first couple of times trying years ago. That one punch hurt like a bitch, having left me with a black eye that lasted for a solid month.

Granted, I was a very shitty kid back then. Didn't like anyone.

Still, do I find men with a bit of heft attractive and sexy? Yes, I'm all about body positivity. Will I shout it to the rooftops? Honestly, I'm still working on that part.

Letting out a sigh I finally start to eat, going after my fries first. I don't know why but I always liked to do that whenever my orders came with them. Even better when they were soft and easy to chew on, but I enjoy the crunch just as much.

There's a small bit of silence between us, but I don't mind it, not really. Just enjoying ourselves for now while the ambience of employees doing their job and other customers chatting fills the air.

I wish it would have lasted.

"Alright so," Conner speaks up after taking the last few bites of his salad, the side of his face resting on the palm of his paw. "What's going on in that pretty little raccoon head of yours?"

I shrug. "I don't know, just...a lot, I guess? Don't know where to start."

Conner twirls his free paw in the air. "Okay, well walk me through it."

I started to rub the back of my neck. "I mean, it's mostly stuff we've already talked about on the way here. And some new things...I think."

For a moment the rat stares at me in what I think is disbelief or disappointment, either one equally as bad before sighing softly. "You're still on that? You really gotta learn to let stuff go, man."

"Yeah...easier said than done," I mumble while I idly pick at my food, already starting to lose my appetite.

Not gonna lie, hearing people say stuff like that really gets on my nerves. I mean, I get where he's coming from and to some people it's great advice as there are folks who can literally get over things fast.

But for people like me, who can't because things that have happened in the past would constantly turn up at almost every waking moment, making me wish it would all stop? Yeah, tough titties.

"Hmm," Conner grunts, tapping a pink finger on the table. "Well, are you still up for doing movie night?"

At that moment I visibly cringe. "Ugh, please don't tell me it's another one of your 'classics'. I could barely stay awake when we watched that one with the clown and his dumb red balloons scaring those kids."

In his defense, it was a good movie, but I was so bored out of my fucking mind with how the whole thing went. None of the elements that were supposed to be scary did anything for me and by the end of it, I was left with more questions than answers.

Though to be honest, I'm not even surprised anymore as over time I got used to his taste in entertainment. All the other ones I've been subjected to had me either asleep, close to it, or, in rare cases, awake enough to try and piece things together.

Maybe I'm just not a fan of old-time horror? Either way, I gotta give it some credit as there's plenty of people to this day afraid of clowns.

The rat nods with much enthusiasm. "Yup! And this time it's-" he pauses, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

"What?" I blink, watching the gears turn as he sits there in complete silence. I'm almost scared of what he's going to say next. This is life or death!

After a few more moments, he looks back at me, grinning wide. "Actually, you'll see when we get back at my place."

"No," my eyes go wide as I shake my head. "Nope! Last time you said that, I had to sit through a whole entire Spanish soap opera. Thirty episodes!"

"Come on, that was-"

"Thirty. Fucking. Episodes. An entire season!"

And no, I'm not interested in finding out if Mariana's long lost brother, Enrique, is alive after seeing him get into a cliché accident involving a car.

Conner sighs, exasperated but still holding a smile. "Okay, but you'll like this one, promise. Now hurry up and eat so we can go."

"Wait, hold on," I narrow my eyes, "how are you so sure I will?"

The rat ignores my question and looks at me blankly, pointing at my barely half-eaten food. I don't even argue and try to finish up what I started. By the time I'm done and feeling full, he's already paying and we're up and out of there.

As we step outside, a breeze of warm air ruffles my fur and I can't help but smile to myself. Summer season was always my favorite time of the year, even at the cost of sweating buckets and needing liquids to keep myself from having a heatstroke.

Could never really stand winter, or the cold much. I guess it's because I have poor heat circulation or whatever the hell it's called when parts of the body are always cold, no matter what.

The moment we climb into the van, Conner starts up the engine, shifts into drive and we're pulling out of the driveway, then onto the road. I look out the window to see the overcast sky in a shade of pink, dark blue and orange, stars just shy of appearing from the sun setting over the horizon.

It's always a nice sight to see while we drive down the road, the landscape itself becoming a blur as we move. I try to keep myself awake but with the gentle rocking motion, combined with the food I just ate, I'm already closing my eyes and falling fast asleep.

"Wake up, sleepyhead."

A gentle shake was just enough to stir me awake and I open my eyes, looking around in slight confusion before finally settling on the rat.

"We're here?" I mumble, my brain and body slowly trying to catch up while I let out a yawn and stretch my limbs.

Fuck, I hate it when I'm groggy after a post food coma nap.

"Yup," Conner takes off his seatbelt and rests a paw on the door handle. He looks ready to get out but just sits there, staring at me with an expression I can't even read.

"...what?" I shrug my shoulders and raise an eyebrow. "Do I have something on my face?"

There's a small bit of silence until he shakes his head, then unlocks the doors with the press of a button. "Naw, come on."

My mind immediately starts going a mile a minute as I watch him get out. Just what the hell was that all about? Did I do something wrong? Is he upset with me about earlier?

Wait, no, I'm being dumb. He didn't look mad so I guess I can throw that into the back burner. My eyebrows furrow in deep thought before eventually giving up and getting out of the van, shutting the passenger door.

Once I'm out, the rat locks it back up with his car keys and we head straight towards his house. And like always, I get a good look at it. It's nice if I'm being honest, with its red brick foundation and gray roof over the top of it; the grass freshly cut and stony pathway leading up to the door, making it look inviting. The area we were in was a great touch too as every home on the block had that same kind of quality that only moderate to rich style neighborhoods have and things were quiet. Real peaceful like.

"So, are you just gonna stand there or come inside?" Conner blurts out with a chuckle.

"Huh?" I snap my attention to him and find he's patiently waiting for me near the entrance. "Oh, sorry."

I make my way over to him as he twists the knob and goes inside. The moment I step in after and shut the door, I'm met with the familiar sight that always has me feeling mixed.

Just from where I'm standing, I can see a flatscreen to my right across from me, along with a variety of consoles nearby and two shelves containing so many games that makes me want to cry or jump for joy.

A fuzzy looking blue rug sits in the middle of the space, surrounded by brown couches and sofas that would definitely fit the theme of friends hanging out and playing games together. And this is just the living room.

"Alright, you know what to do," Conner says while stripping off his shirt and beginning to walk the familiar path to his bedroom. "Make yourself comfortable. I gotta grab some things."

"Okay!" I call out as I sink into one of the sofas and rest my head back with a sigh, feeling the soft fabric against my fur.

As I start settling in, my eyes dart over to see a sliver of the rat's thick appendage of a tail before disappearing around a corner.

I turn my head back to the living room space, still in awe at the sheer size of it. My own kitchen and living room combo could fit in here and still have enough space left over, it's that big. Seriously, some people have all the luck!

Then again, considering his job and position, it's no wonder he can even afford something like this. Meanwhile I'm working retail and earning that oh so wonderful minimum wage. Gotta love capitalism.

Eventually I get up and grab the remote from the tv stand, then flop back down on my seat to turn the flatscreen on. I half expected there to be some documentary or learning channel waiting for me but to my complete surprise, it's anime.

It only takes me a few seconds to figure out which show it is and I immediately groan, rolling my eyes. "You're seriously watching one piece? Of all the things, yet here you are making fun of what I watch!"

"Shut up, it's good!" Conner replies with laughter, the sound echoing throughout the house.

"You wouldn't know what's good unless it bit you in the ass!" I retort while a smirk creeps up on my muzzle. "Besides, it goes on for too long. How many episodes are there anyway?"

"Uh..." the rat pauses for almost a solid minute, then speaks up, "somewhere in the thousands."

My eyes widen at that. "Are you fucking serious?! Who has the time to-actually, never mind."

"Exactly! The same kind of people who can sit there and play Japanese role-playing games for hours on end."

"Wait...what are you trying to imply? And how long are you gonna be in there for?"

There's no response after that, though my ears pick up shuffling and things opening and closing. Honestly, what the hell is he doing?

"Just gimme a moment!" Conner says, then seconds later I hear what might be the loudest squeak ever in my life.

I'm already out of my seat the minute I hear a crash and rush to the short hallway, passing shy of three rooms until I take a left and come to a stop right in front of an open door. There, standing off to the side with his face buried in a paw was Conner.

My gaze shifts to a box that looks to have fallen mere moments ago, not far from the rat with its contents spilled all over the floor.

"Is everything okay?" I ask as I stand in the doorway, unsure if I should move or not.

Conner sighs, standing still for a minute or so until getting down on his knees, picking everything up. "Yeah, I'm alright. Was moving too fast and ended up bringing all this shit down."

I don't say anything, just watching the big rat place each item carefully inside of the box as if they were fragile. He looks so concentrated on his task that I start to leave him to it until I spot something out of the corner of my eye.

A piece of paper with some sort of drawing on it. I don't know why, but something about it is familiar to me. Without even thinking, I move towards it until I'm within arm's reach and crouch down to pick it up.

My eyes widen a little in shock and my lips stretch into a smile as I stare at what I'm seeing before me; a very crude depiction of a rat and raccoon with swords in their hands and a skull between them.

"You kept it..." I breathe out, chuckling softly as memories begin to flood my mind.

Conner stops what he's doing and turns to look at me in confusion, then glances at the paper in my paw and his face suddenly begins to flush red. "Oh, uh, yeah...thought it looked cool at the time. I liked the skull."

For some reason without meaning to, that admission made me burst out laughing, causing him to frown and roll his eyes. "Sorry, it's just...this was when our teacher back in third grade tried to get us to like each other. Ugh, God, it's been so long! The fuck was her name?"

"Mrs. Farratino, the short and plump stoat who looked like she ate way too many twinkies." Conner answered with a snicker.

"Yeah, her!" I snap my fingers and nod, then start snickering as well. "She'd always get so mad when you kept calling her 'fat queen' and I never understood why you kept doing that."

"Because I didn't like being told what to do! And every time, it seemed like she was singling me out for the same shit that everyone else was doing."

"Oh yeah, she had a real mean streak when it came to stuff like that. Just proves my point that there's people literally born in this world that are natural targets."

"Fuck you."

"Hey, I'm not saying that to be a dick! Just stating facts." I look down at the paper again and sigh softly. "But she was really nice and tried her best to have all of us get along. I can't even remember why I didn't like you in the first place."

Conner snorts. "Because I was the new kid on the block and getting attention and you hated that with a goddamn passion."

Hearing that, my ears flick back and I feel a pang of guilt. "Oh yeah...I was a fucked-up kid back then. Always trying to start fights and get into trouble with anyone who so much as looked at me wrong."

The rat lets out a laugh. "Ain't like I was any better!"

I laugh with him, not even attempting on arguing against that since it is true. He wasn't but then again, who is? Like they always say, 'kids are cruel' but I always think of it as 'people are cruel'.

I slip the paper inside the box and help with putting everything else back in there. As I'm doing this, I come across even more things he's saved in preservation. Books, toys, games, almost everything looking like they'd fall to pieces if someone were too rough.

It's like I'm interacting with a time capsule of sorts, bringing all sorts of nostalgia with it. And making me feel old.

Eventually we finish and he puts the box back in his closet where he got it from. I stand up and glance around the room, taking in the familiar space.

There's the king-sized bed on the far end of the wall with a nightstand right next to it, a dresser on the other end, a walk-in closet and a television in the center of everything. There are also various posters hung up on the walls, mostly filled with horror or sci-fi.

Can't say I don't appreciate the decoration to give some flair to a bedroom.

"So, what are you trying to find in here anyway?" I ask just as he starts rummaging around in the closet space some more.

"Something I bought a few months ago and now I can't-" he suddenly pauses and I hear him shuffling things around. "Wait, I think I found it!"

I wait there in the middle of the room for what feels like an eternity until the rat comes back out holding a bag in his paw.

I look at it with visible confusion. "Okay...what's that?"

Conner grins, hefting whatever is inside up a little, as if he were revealing a grand prize. "Remember that show you got me to watch about those magical teenage girls and the opening made me think it was all cutesy and shit?"

A small smile graces my muzzle. "Yeah, and I was telling you that you were extremely wrong because it's really fucked up and you enjoyed it." I tilt my head to the side. "Why bring this up?"

Conner beams even more and walks up to hand me the bag that I graciously take. Although my curiosity is present and excitement is growing, I can't help but feel dwarfed whenever the two of us are close like this.

I barely reach his chest and he's three times my size, sporting a belly that looks soft but definitely packed with muscle just like the rest of him. If he truly wanted to, he could break me in half and be done with it, but he doesn't.

And with him being all up in my personal space with no shirt on is extremely distracting!

With the bag in my possession, I reach in and take out a rectangular case; a movie with characters on it that I'm immediately familiar with. My eyes widen and my heart feels like it almost stopped.

"You...you got..." I choke out, unable to finish what I'm saying as my hands tremble.

"Saw it while I was browsing around and since your birthday is coming up and all, I figured...why not?" Conner simply shrugs, keeping that dopey grin.

My mind starts becoming a whirlwind of emotions and scattered thoughts that I have a hard time figuring out what to say or do. I want to smile and jump for joy, but I just don't. Instead, I opt to moving over to the bed and sitting down.

I stare the packaged movie in front of me, feeling hollow and my heart sinking into the pit of my stomach. I hate it when this happens, always coming at the most inopportune of times.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I let out a heavy sigh, trying in vain to gather myself up, but as usual, that doesn't work. It isn't until I feel the bed shift and fur grazing against my own that I snap out of it to see the rat sitting next to me.

"You alright?"

"I don't know..."

"Take your time."

Just those three simple words and I go quiet again, resting my head on his arm. There's no rush, something I deeply appreciate and am grateful for right now. It's silent, though there is sound coming from the living room.

We stay like this for who knows how long until I finally manage to get my thoughts together and let out a sigh. "Thanks for the gift, truly."

Conner gives a low chuckle. "You're welcome."

"I just..." I pause and close my eyes, hesitating.

Why is this so hard? Why does it take me so long to say what I want to say?

Suddenly, the arm I'm up against moves and I'm pulled into a side hug, causing me to look up and see him staring back at me with understanding in his eyes.

Somehow that makes things even worse.

"It's okay."

"No...no, it's not. I don't deserve this, let alone someone like you."

Conner's brows furrow as he frowns. "Zeek, you-"

"Let me finish, please." I take a deep breath and release it in a shuddering sigh. "I just...I'm a horrible person who has made terrible mistakes and continues to make them. And on top of that, I sometimes isolate myself socially because I feel like I don't deserve to have any friends or connections." I let out a mirthless laugh. "A shitty kid who loved to pick fights only to grow up and make even more of a mess. Being in a seven-year relationship that everyone warned me about, only for it to crash and burn right in front of my eyes because I was too dumb to listen. Slowly pick up the pieces to make myself whole, yet I stare at my phone with all these messages from you and everyone else, wondering why you bother."

Conner doesn't say anything, just listening but I can feel him staring at me and growing tense. I don't know what he's thinking but I can guess.

"Then there's the other guys I dated. Hurt two and got hurt by one that lasted for two or three months." I shrug. "It's almost funny now that I'm talking about it, and here I am with my very first job that I somewhat tolerate, close to hitting thirty. Meanwhile everyone else who's lucky, they get places like this and not have a fucked-up life."

I gesture around vaguely in the space we're in, then let my arm fall flat on my lap. Strangely enough, I don't feel bitter.

Maybe it's because I accepted all of what happened and I'm currently moving on, or could be that I just don't care anymore.

Either way, it doesn't matter.

I sigh heavily, gaze pointed to the floor and body slumped. It's cold, despite a body of warmth right beside me.

"Zeek," Conner rumbles out, causing me to slowly look up at him. "Remember when I made the biggest fuck up of my life two years ago and I was being a piece of shit to everyone? What did you tell me?"

I just stare him, already knowing what's coming but I speak anyway. "That you should get your shit together because you weren't the only one."

A small smile graces the rat's face as he nods. "Mhmm, and we had a nice long talk too. Made me open my eyes that day."

"Okay, but...that's different."

"How so?"

I take a breath, ready to provide my answer, only to pause and furrow my brows. Shit, how is this any different?

My eyes drift away toward the wall. "I... I don't know..."

Conner goes silent for a brief moment, then releases a breath of air through his nose. "Everyone in life stumbles and falls, you and I both know that by now. And even though I got this house, making more money than my last job, I still have problems."

Hearing that, I whip around so fast that I almost get whiplash. "Wait, what? I thought you were okay!"

The rat shakes his head. "Nope! And that's what I'm talking about. Just because someone looks like they're well off and happy-"

"It doesn't mean there's nothing going on in their life," I finish for him with a small smile on my muzzle, then frown again. "But are you-"

"Zeek," Conner lets me out of the side hug and turns to look me straight in the eyes, expression stern. "Don't worry about me right now, I'm good. But look, I'm not gonna stop worrying and caring about you. You're my friend and I love you."

I don't know what to say to that, let alone do other than stare at him like an idiot who doesn't know how to use his words.

The rat picks up on that though and brings himself closer to me. Before I can even utter a single thing, he's wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight.

"You're always good enough in my eyes, okay?"

My breath hitches, body tensing up from hearing that and then everything starts to break down. I just hold onto him like my life depends on it, warm streaks running down my cheeks while the weight that's been keeping me down is lifted off my shoulders.

I'm such an emotional crybaby but I can't help it.

All the things that my stupid brain likes to mess with and poke at on a daily basis becomes undone and it feels like I'm breathing fresh air again.

Conner just keeps holding me, despite the fucking mess that I am, and I deeply appreciate him for it. I don't know how long we stay like this for but eventually, my sobbing comes to a stop.

"Thanks again," I sniffle and rub at my eyes.

"Anytime, ringtail." Conner says, gently ruffling the top of my head. "Feeling better?"

I nod. "Yeah, sorry for getting us so derailed on movie night."

The rat rolls his eyes, yet still holding a grin. "Shut up, you're fine."

"Heh, alright." A chuckle escapes me, and I stand up to leave the bedroom.

"Wait, hold on." Conner says, quickly grabbing hold of my arm.

I look back with a raised brow. "Huh? What's up?"

"Mind staying with me for the night?" the rat asks with a hopeful look in his eyes.

I don't even hesitate to answer. "Duh, of course."