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"If I'm already out of time,

Then make it worse,

Go on and hit me in the heart,

Hit me where it hurts"

Caroline Polachek,

' Hit Me Where It Hurts'

I've been in an odd sort of way. A good sort of way for the most part, but, like, it's all been a bit of a blur. I've had such a good time with friends these past couple days that I haven't as much opportunity to sit around and catastrophize. It feels strange not to have a darkness biting at the back of my heels every waking hour, but, who know? Maybe this is what's considered normal. Maybe, just maybe, constant second-guessing and anxiety is _not_how most people experience life. Still, it's genuinely a little surreal for me to feel so carefree.

Not that it really matters - I'll back to my usual neurotic self when Eve and her cohort go home in less than two weeks. Okay, so the darkness isn't gone entirely, but maybe I've got a lantern, and that's worth celebrating. The fact is, right now, I feel good. I think I'll go ahead and enjoy it while it lasts.

Another morning, another cut-down breakfast. I didn't snack _too_much yesterday either; it was some kind of improvement on my usual standard at any rate. It feels good to eat less, apart from the extra hunger.

I'm up early again today and, same as yesterday, I spot Feather when I finish my cereal. They wave at me with one paw as they breeze into the dining room, brandishing an ashtray with a lighter and joint balanced inside as they head toward the rear doors. They exude an energetic aura as they pass that invites me into the waking world in much the same way a slap across the face would.

"Good morning!" They chirp, pawing at the sliding glass doors.

"Good morning."

"Feel free to join," they continue with a nod, and I follow them out without really even thinking about it.

I sit by them as they light up wordlessly, leaving me to think over our conversation from last night and how drawn to them I've been. I'm not really sure what to make of it all, but what I do know is I'm already dreading their return to the States. I don't want to stop being around them.

"I was thinking." They take a long drag, hold it in, then push a sizable cloud of smoke out from their lungs, turning to me afterwards. "I still want to hear some of the music you've produced."

I exhale sharply through my nose and shake my head. "And I still wanna read your poetry," I say. Deflecting, maybe.

The corners of their mouth pull up as they take another drag. "Alright." Exhaling, they fish their phone out of their pocket, balance the joint between their teeth and tap at their screen a few times in silence before passing it over to me. "There you go."

I guess deflection isn't going to work. Across the screen are prettily arranged stanzas of text - undoubtedly one of Feather's poems.

"You came with a game plan," I remark dryly.

"It's something I wrote a few months back, I'm pretty proud of it, but," they shrug. "Who knows? Give it a read. Tell me what you think, or don't."

"I'm not exactly a professional writer, or skilled critic."

"Stop stalling and read it, smart ass," they flash me a buck toothed grin then shove the joint back between their teeth.

I'm more afraid of reading this than I probably should be. Scared it will be trash and I'll have to play nice, maybe. Or scared it will reveal too much of the author, that I'll find they're someone other than I thought them to be. Whatever, enough dithering.

Bleed

Body like a bag

You can carry me in a canvas sack

I am what I am and that is that

I am what I am and that is that

World like a stage

We all rehearse this worn out play

'Pick me first' is all I say

'Pick me first' is all I say

Bleed like a snack

I offer myself to the carnivore

He takes a bite and only wants more

He takes a bite and only wants more

Ribs like a cage

You can render me into blood and fat

I was what I was but what was that?

I was what I was but what was that?

Soul like a bird

Flying above the world I haunt

Finally free to be what I want

Finally free to be what I want

My lips pull tight as I finish reading. I always find poetry so difficult. Feather laughs and puts a paw out, palm up. I pass them their phone.

"Dark," I say.

"You think so?"

"I mean, isn't it?"

They shrug. "Interpretation isn't my job." They snort. "Oh god, I sound like such a pretentious asshole."

"Okay," I say, brow furrowed. "Same disclaimer as earlier, but I'll try to interpret. Something about peace in death, right? Feeling trapped in a meaningless life?"

They tip their head to one side, then the other, then back again. "You could certainly see it that way."

I stare at them. They stare back with a blank smile.

I shake my head. "Writers!" I spit the word out with great indignation.

"We're the worst, huh?"

"The worst," I agree.

They flash me that bucktooth grin again and I catch myself wagging in spite of my acted bluster. They didn't take me even a little bit seriously, as somehow I knew they wouldn't.

"Hated it then?" They take one last drag from their joint, then stub it, seeming unfazed as to what my answer might be, or whether or not I answer at all.

"Of course not. There are some great phrases in there: body like a bag? That one sticks out to me for... some reason. Look, the problem is I'm a philistine, Feather. I don't have too much to add, other than I liked it and I'm honored you showed me."

They nod, thoughtfully, grinding the ashen end of their joint into the ashtray. "No need to be so humble. I only did it for leverage," they smirk, then laugh.

"You wanna hear my amateur production scraps that bad?" I ask, nervous and guarded in an instant.

Feather shrugs. "Yeah, why not? We're both music geeks and I wanna hear your beats. I thought it would be a nice little bonding opportunity." The tip of their over-sized tail sways in anticipation. "I want to get to know you better, you know?"

I nod, uncertain. The last person to bond with me over a shared passion was Marty, and now that passion is ruined for me. I don't even_watch_plays any more, let alone perform in them. That's a whole world I once was entrenched in and now have nothing to do with. It's an isolating, strange thing to consider. I loved theater, I loved acting - a lot of me still does - but I fear it: for me it will forever be associated with memories of the worst moments of my life.

Making music is my hobby - something I love deeply despite having only a modicum of skill in - and I've shared clips and songs with close ones before, but never quite like this. Feather is into music the same way I am, and I don't want to share my passion so directly, to entangle it with another person again, the way I did with Marty. I know, I know: I'm being ridiculous. Showing off one song isn't exactly a big deal, but... I don't want to.

"Honestly? Feather, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but, I don't have anything I'd feel confident sharing right now."

"I don't mind hearing something you've already shown to-"

I wave a paw. "No. With you, it's different."

Their muzzle snaps shut and they frown, fingers playing across their cheek as they think thatover.

"Okay, if you don't want to. I just want to assure you I'm not gonna be a bitchy critic. I'd love to hear your stuff, no matter what it sounds like."

"No, no, I know that, Feather. I believe you, it's just, I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing anything right now."

"Oh, that's- That's okay."

"Soon, maybe."

"Yeah?"

"Well not, like, today, but, yeah." I'm not really sure I mean it.

"Well, okay. I'd be glad to check your music out any time." They lean back, paws stretched behind them, looking out across the pool. "Could I just ask? What did you mean by 'it's different for you?'" Before I can answer they shake their head and carry on: "No, I'm sorry, awkward question. You've known Eve a lot longer than you've known me, of course you're more comfortable sharing with those you're closer to." They twist to catch my eyes and offer up a soft smile. "Consider the matter closed. The poem's on me."

I smile back a little awkwardly, muzzle slightly parted as I wrestle failingly with the English language. "It's- Well, it's not quite like that," I say, only coming to the realization as I speak it. "It's not that I don't feel close to you, it's that the way I feel close to you isn't the same as with Eve or Saph, I..." I find there are no more obvious or easy words to add. "Yeah."

I'm certain they're going to ask what I mean by that, and my stomach turns with the uncomfortable anxiety of the knowledge that I don't really have an answer. But they don't ask, in fact they don't say anything, they just nod slowly, seem to consider something for a moment, then smile.

My pocket buzzes, interrupting our moment, but I'm glad for it - my cheeks were getting hot. I check my phone to find another message from Adrian. All I can tell at first glance is that it's pretty long. My heart thumps. I must be looking at my phone kinda funny cause Feather asks me: "What's that?"

"Oh, uh. It's from Adrian."

Even in my peripheral vision I can tell they're giving me a good long stare before asking: "You excited for the wedding?"

"Uh," I look up at them, chuckle oddly and shrug. "Not yet sure I'm going."

They open their mouth, close it again, tilt their head, then nod. "Sure," they say, curiosity set aside for the moment. They turn deliberately and stare out over the pool, giving me space to check the message.

Thank you!!! Sounds great, I know you'll make it work and if it's any help you can totally stay in our guest room! We're so excited to see you again, we should hang and make up for lost time. We're figuring out details for bachelor parties in the weeks leading up, you're totally invited to them too! Obv would need to stay a while but we'd love having you and I KNOW Eve would too. Let's talk soon x call me if you need anything. Enjoy your holiday for now tho!!! xxx

Okay.

Am I being paranoid, or is this as weird as I think it is?

'Let'stalk soon'. Right. What is he getting at? How much does he know?

Maybe Adrian's just a super accommodating host who wants to make it clear there's no bad blood between us. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's about the last time I saw Kale. Maybe it's-

"You seemed a little shocked by the news of their wedding," Feather says, throwing the remark out in an absent moment. "The other day, I mean." They let the statement hang in the air, not even turning to gauge my reaction, letting me dictate how the conversation proceeds, if it does at all.

I take a deep breath. "Eve brought that up too. Are you in on this with her, or was I really that obvious?"

"It was kind of obvious," they admit, finally swiveling back toward me. "At least if you were paying attention. I didn't know Eve thought the same though."

"Oh, right." I choke out a laugh. "That's pretty embarrassing, huh?"

"Pssh, no, not at all! Nothing embarrassing about emotions."

"You're wondering why though, right?"

"Sure, but that doesn't mean you have to tell me."

I nod, trying to think out a response but finding that any direct conscious link between thought and action has utterly evaporated. I'm functioning entirely on instinct and unconscious impulse. A question erupts from me. "You've been with Eve and Jay a few months now?"

"Yeah."

"You've met Adrian and Kale?"

"A few times, yeah," they nod along.

"What do you think of them?"

They raise an eyebrow and offer a shrug. "I mean, I'm not super close with either. I haven't ever had the kind of one on one time I've had with you these past few days, just a decent few group hang outs. But, yeah, they're both friendly, made me feel welcomed. I got along well with both of them. Probably talked more to Adrian, he's a sweetheart."

"And what about, like, as a couple?"

Feather tilts their head. "They looked all sorts of in love to me. I think they're pretty excited about the wedding, a little nervous too, but that's only natural." I nod and exhale a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding in. I'm still confused about Adrian and Kale, but I'll take this as good news. "Why ask?"

I explain to Feather what I explained to Eve: that I'm surprised I was even invited, having not been close to either of them in years, and my slight lingering feelings for Kale.

"You want me to believe you were asking after their relationship because, what? You want to home wreck and claim Kale as your own?" Feather's words are layered in sarcasm, the squirrel offering a raised eyebrow and not an ounce of belief.

My heart pounds. I overplayed my position without even realizing it.

"Well, maybe a tiny part of-"

"Come on."

"Okay, not really."

"Then why?" They ask.

My muzzle flaps, I sigh and shake my head. "I was just asking."

"Okay," they say. "Different question. How come you and Kale don't talk any more?"

"Distance," I say, shrugging. "Time."

"Right. Kale comes up to see you, then shortly after he returns home the two of you all but stop speaking. You're telling me it's distance and time when it had been, what? Weeks since you last met?"

"Hey," I snap, suddenly annoyed, getting to my feet. "What's with the third degree? My reasons are my own, Feather. It's really not your business at all, is it?"

"Okay, okay. It just didn't quite add up to me and I wanted to-"

"Oh, come the fuck on." I'm angry now, bratty.

They flinch and shrink back, hesitate. "I'm sorry. Of course it isn't my business. I was just-"

"You pushed Saph to the brink yesterday and now you're trying to do the same tome?" My tail spikes back and forth in jagged motions, my discontent only growing with each word spoken. "What is this, Feather? We've been through awful shit, you know? Saph and Kale and _me_especially. Maybe just lay off us, yeah? You don't know what it's like. If sometimes we don't make sense to you, that's not our problem, okay? Just leave us alone. My ex fucking drugged and date raped the guy I was crushing on then beat and raped me right after, and I fucking slit his throat for it. I live with that shit every day of my life; I don't need to be grilled by some bitch who doesn't even know me about why my relationship with _Kale_of all people on the planet is fucking complicated, okay? Of course it is."

By the time I'm done I'm out of breath, and my head is spinning, and I'm still angry but... I'm starting to realize quite how intense I just was and how badly I might've fucked things up with Feather. I'm thinking all kinds of fucked up things like 'I hope Eve breaks up with them soon' and 'I hope they don't make things awkward by telling her about this'. I wish I could turn time back a few minutes and never let this conversation begin.

Feather is glued to the spot, statuesque, fingers curled tight around their legs, head down. "I'm really, _really_sorry Ash."

"God, sorry, look, Feather. I really didn't mean to blow up at you like that, it's-"

"No, you're right. I fucked up yesterday, I fucked up today. I'm sorry. I'll stay out of your way as much as I ca-"

"No, look, it's-"

But it's too late. Saph is at the door yodeling her good mornings. My instincts tell me to pretend that nothing happened. Feather's apparently tell them the same. Saph declares she's going for a swim so we leave her to it. When we step inside I pause, trying to find words that can undo what I just did, but Feather slinks away at a pace, head down, muttering some kind of indistinct apology and disappearing from view before I can wrap my head around anything.

*

We're at the mall, boba in paws, flitting in and out of stores and conversation topics at whim. It's almost enough of a sensory barrage to forget that Feather is keeping their distance from me, hanging off of Eve and Jay and fading into the background. They're putting on a convincing veneer of normalcy but, to me, the change isn't just obvious, it's painful.

I try to simply carry on and enjoy myself as best I can. Now is not the time to stop and make things right with Feather and, regardless, I'm here with my two wonderful girl-friends and an attractive, buff wolf who hasn't stopped making it clear that he wants another go at me. All in all, I'm having a good time.

We pass this cute little record shop that I tend to frequent and Saph points it out. As much as I would've wanted to visit the store if I'd been asked when I woke up, now the prospect of doing so seems a little like torture. But, I don't want to draw unnecessary attention toward the tension between Feather and I, so I agree and immediately get to prattling on about what a nice little shop it is as we approach. Eve and Saph stay chatting near the entrance as Jay, Feather and I head inside. I do my best to fill any potential dead air with inane observations about some of the records we pass and various new releases, doing everything I can to avoid actually having a conversation. It feels awkward and stilted to me, but Jay seems engrossed in my mild takes so it can't be all that bad. He eventually goes to flick through a rack of rock vinyls. Alone with me for a moment, Feather quickly states they're going over to electronic. I hover for a couple seconds, uncertain, before following after them a couple paces behind.

There's a sinking feeling in my gut, no, more like there's a sense of loss - of something missing - as I hover over their shoulder. We would've been flipping through these records together and getting way too into the minutiae of modern music and our respective tastes if not for earlier. An uncertain sense of guilt settles over me.

"I didn't mean to make things awkward," I admit, standing close behind them, voice barely above a whisper.

They pause browsing and their body tenses. "I was being invasive and insensitive and it wasn't the first time, I'm sorry." Finding a response proves a struggle for me, so they continue: "I promise I won't say or do anything to make things any more awkward from here on out. It was my fault, I was arrogant, presuming all sorts of things about you, your life, and- and us." They flick through another few records without even looking at them.

"It's... It's whatever. I shouldn't have blown up at you, I- Dammit, look, my head is spinning right now. Let's talk again later, okay? When I've had time to think and we aren't about to be rushed off to the next stop at any moment. I don't want things to be weird between us, Feather. I really like you."

They turn slowly and tilt their head to look up at me with a glint in their wide, hazel eyes that implies a recent close call with tears. They've taken the events of today hard. I've been a real asshole. They nod slowly. I offer an uncertain smile of my own and then they nod faster right past my shoulder, wiping at their eyes once with a sleeve as I turn to see Jay approaching. In seconds we're back to playing nice, having made inroads on progress, but not having changed our predicament in any real sense.

We leave the shop a few minutes later, outwardly in good spirits although without any vinyl to show for the excursion, bemoaning how awkward they'd be to carry back to the States. We regroup and collectively decide to grab lunch. I feel a little less horrible about the situation with Feather. We'll patch things up later, I'm sure of it. I've only known them a matter of days but the more I think about it the better I know that losing their friendship is not an option worth considering.

Well fed, we resume our exploration of the cavernous mall, flitting by and into store after store, Jay steadily being saddled with more and more to carry as he stoically accepts his place as his partners' pack mule. We end up in some big clothing store featuring mostly women's garments on the more feminine end of the spectrum. Feather and Eve are off together in an instant, eager to look around, dragging Jay behind them, presciently aware of their need for the pack mule. Jay doesn't complain, no doubt looking forward to ogling Feather when they inevitably try something on. Eve, typically more alt or tomboy in her fashion sensibilities, hesitates around the entrance, seeing little of interest at a quick scan of the shop's inventory. I vaguely make to follow Saph, but stop when Eve reaches out and touches my arm.

"We can leave this one to the girlies," she says.

"Jay included?"

"He's more shopping cart than person at this point." I laugh and she grins. "Looks like we have a few minutes to ourselves," she aims a playful jab at my shoulder. "Gotta say Ash, it really warms my heart seeing you get on so well with my partners."

I try not to think about the situation with Feather when I say: "They're both wonderful, Eve. I'm glad you brought them into my life."

"And I know they're both glad I brought you into theirs. You're closer to Jay than ever, and you struck it off with Feather right away, huh?"

"Don't tell me you're scared of being usurped? You'll always be the queen bitch in my heart, girl."

She shakes her head and chuckles. "No, it's nothing like that. It's got me all warm and fuzzy inside actually. But, come to think of it: we haven't had all that much one on one time since I got here, have we?"

"True, it seems like everyone's wanted a piece of me, and there's only so much Ash to go around. But hey," I shrug. "What better time to start making up for that than now?"

She nods and a mischievous grin contorts the mask of black fur across her face, before I know it she's bear-hugging me in the middle of the mall. If she thought this would embarrass me she was wrong. I wrap my arms around her, pick her up and spin us both a full three-sixty before letting go.

"Such a romantic," she teases, winking.

"Oh please, if you have eyes for anyone here it's Saph. You've really taken to her haven't you?"

"Yeah, she's sweet as sugar that one." Eve looks into the store, trying to locate Saph but failing. "You know, it's funny, pretty much all of my friends are queer guys and enbies, it's nice to hang out with another woman for once."

"Minutes ago you were distancing yourself from the 'girlies'. Doesn't that make you one of the boys?"

"Pff, hush! It's not just a gender thing anyway, she's lovely and..." She stretches out the syllable of that final word, perhaps uncertain whether she should go on.

"And what? Spill, sister."

"Well, she's gorgeous, right?"

I laugh, probably too loudly. "She obviously is. An absolute beauty. And now you're mad there's not even a possibility of getting her into bed."

"No, of course not, she is what she is. But, I mean, oh my god, Ash, she's hot."

I think about something Jay told me in bed the other night. "I see, hoping to complete your little collection of lovers with a girl?"

She suddenly struggles with eye contact. "Well, you know, I wouldn't_argue_withthat eventuality. But I'm not after Saph, don't worry. I'm just glad to make a new friend. I can deal with her being the kind of eye candy you look at, but don't touch." She looks me up and down and bites her lower lip, delivering her following words slow, low and sultry: "I'm used to it."

I laugh again, then go on, deliberately ignoring her last comment. I admit that I'm glad the two of them have got along so well. "I was worried Saph would stay in her shell all holiday, she isn't exactly the most sociable person."

"I suppose I just have an irresistible personality." Eve declares. I tut and she chuckles and we lapse into quiet for a few seconds. "Oh, Ash. I know it's been a long time coming, but I wanted to tell you I'm so proud you started going to that survivor's group. With meeting Saph and everything, it seems like it's done you a whole lot of good for you."

"It has," I admit, smiling, all my continued trauma and hang-ups not mattering for a moment.

"I know that - back then - you didn't want to talk about what happened with anyone other than us. You didn't want therapy or anything in that ballpark, but I know it helped me back then and still does now - and I know Adrian would say the same - so I'm just happy you gave it a go and have stuck with it and," she realizes she's going on a bit, so waves a paw dismissively and beams. "It's heartwarming."

"It took time and soul searching to admit to myself it might help, but I got there." Thinking about _exactly_what pushed me from 'thinking about it'to 'doing it' makes my head spin, so I stop and focus on the here and now. But... something else occurs to me. "Wait, you said Adrian would agree? What about Kale?"

"Oh, yeah, well, he doesn't go to therapy any more like we do, but he'd be the first to tell you it really helped him."

A sudden cold grips my spine, I straighten up and almost shiver. "Do you know when he stopped going, out of curiosity?"

"Oh he stuck with it a year maybe? Slightly longer?"

"Eve!" Feather exclaims, holding up one of Jay's arms to show off a carrier bag full of new clothing. "We totally got the _cutest_things."

And I give myself over to the chaos. It's better than letting the rising bile at the back of my throat come up any further. Kale stuck with therapy a little over a year? Then he stopped around the same time he came to see me. If he stopped before, then from what he told me he'd been going through, that would not have been good timing. And if he stopped after? Even worse. Much worse.

But there's chatter and joy and love all around me and I choose, for once, to let it in.