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It was at that moment that they realized they had fallen for a trap. Not a sort that gets you immediately, it had sprung hours ago and they were only just figuring it out.

"Poison gas?" Gunther asked, pulling out a cloth mask.

"That won't help," The Wizard pointed out, "We've been breathing it for hours. It's honestly confounding that we're still standing."

Gunther put a paw up to the gas spout, plugging it with one finger then shaking his head, "We should have noticed the door locking behind us, but it didn't even click?"

Rogar drew his axe, "I know one way to get out of here."

"Through solid stone?" Gunther put a hand to the door the group had entered through.

The axe reluctantly returned to its loop, "Right."

"Alright, Burglar," the Inquisitor stated with only the slightest bit of venom in his voice, "get the lock."

Gunther sighed, "The door doesn't open from this side. Like at all. No lock, no handle, nothing."

The party grumbled and eventually put their heads together. This was a terrible mess, but there was always a way out, the gamemaster would never allow it to be any other way.

The Wizard snapped his fingers, "Knock!"

"Knock?" Gunther asked.

"I'll cast Knock on the door," the Wizard stated as though that explained.

Gunther made a show of wrapping his knuckles on the stone door.

"Cute," the Inquisitor spat, "Knock is a spell that opens locked doors. But... why would one memorize such a situational spell when traveling with a burglar?"

"Didn't," the Wizard explained, "But if you give me..."

"Let me look it up..." Roosevelt took out his phone and raided the system reference document.

"You really want us to solve the puzzle," River sighed.

I gave my most innocent smile, "that would be nice."

"Puzzles suck," Louie spat, "I came to roll dice and bash skulls."

I sighed and refrained from rolling my eyes because everyone, myself included, knew I'd cave.

"Fifteen minutes!" Roosevelt finally returned.

"You can just memorize spells partway into the day?" River asked.

"Left a slot open," Roosevelt grinned.

"It's a core rule," I explained, "It's one of the many reasons prepared casters are tier one and spontaneous casters are tier two at maximum."

Yaotl scratched his head, "We've seen the Barbarian deal thirty damage with a hit, where does that place them?"

"Let me look it up..." Roosevelt began.

"Tier four," I dropped, "They do exactly one thing, and while they do that thing well, they're basically useless in any other situation."

"And what's the point of dealing super extra damage to a single target, when a single spell can take out multiple opponents at once?" Roosevelt grinned.

"Yeah?" Louie croced a grin of his own, "But my dick's bigger than yours."

The whole room went quiet, the cat blinking in disbelief. It wasn't until I broke out laughing that Roosevelt recovered from the lame comeback. He shook his head with a sly toothy grin and returned, "Maybe Rogar's, but his player might fall short on that."

With a raised brow, Louie considered this, and with a bigger, toothier grin (no contesting with a Gator there) he responded, "I'm game."

"Ha!" River shouted, "Gay!"

The meme response threatened to defuse the situation, but I soon realized that I was sweating. I took quick stock of my players, Roosevelt was trying not to betray his Feline pride staring directly at Louie. The Gator for his part, lost the staring contest to turn and wink at me. This made the Wolfish River laugh some more, almost howling.

This left Yoatl, the new guy, blushing furiously in the corner. He wasn't an alpha nerd like River who balanced a steady workout regimine with his nerdy hobbies, or a hefty Cajun like Louie who had eaten a pizza and a half by himself earlier. He wasn't even tall or sharp like Roosevelt. Just a little brown bat, with big bottle cap glasses that put my own spectacles to shame.

After a moment, Yoatl noticed me sizing him up and stared back nervously. He cleared his throat awkwardly, which brought my attention to the fact that everyone was looking at me. Normally I can run a game without worrying, but when the game stops my social anxiety starts to kick back in... so I tried for a really bad joke.

"I'm sure I've got you all beat," I ventured, "Where it counts at least."

The room went silent for a moment before Roosevelt had to ask, "You have a-"

"No, I..." I interrupted, then relaxed, "It's not the tool, it's how you use it."

Crickets.

"I mean," I made one last attempt at a recovery, "Unlike you guys, I actually get laid."

"I'm whipping it out," Louie decided to ignore me.

"Like right here?" Roosevelt pulled on his collar, "in front of everyone."

"What's a matter?" Louie taunted, "Scared?"

"Not scared," Roosevelt was losing ground but glanced at River and got an idea, "but this shit is pretty gay. I don't think I could get it up looking at your ugly mug."

River let out an actual howl at that, "He's got you there."

Louie turned to the wolf, "You want in on this too?"

"I've got nothing to prove," River deflected.

Louie pointed a claw, "Which means you don't measure up."

"Please," River said coolly, "Ladies line up for the knot."

I snirked. This drew everyone's attention again, and for a brief moment I was afraid they were going to drag me into this somehow. Thankfully they got back to arguing without me. I took the opportunity to slip away to the bathroom.

After relieving myself, I took a long look at myself in the mirror. I was in my mid twenties, hosting parties where we basically played make believe for hours on end, and my players were arguing like school children about their dicks. I sighed and splashed water on my snout.

Returning my glasses to their place, I had to admit that if I had a dick, I might have been in there bluffing about its size with the rest of them. As it were, I was just a somewhat heavy vixen, a bit on the short side... okay, technically I was obese, just below the morbid line, and stood no more than an inch above qualifying as a dwarf. So it wasn't like there was a cute girl they were all showing off for. I was just one of the nerds.

When I got out of the bathroom, I returned to the table, the debate still in full swing. Louie and River had stood and were making big fish signs at each other. Roosevelt was laughing, and Yoatl had shrunk down in his wings barely hiding his blushing.

I tried not to draw attention as I crept back to my seat, then my leg brushed up against my gamer bag and I had an idea. I rummaged through the bag looking for the tape measure I used for war games. After fumbling about a bit, I found the prize and loudly slammed it onto the table with a clack.

All eyes went to the device, then slowly up to me. There was a moment when I thought I would have to explain why I carry one around with me, but that passed as awkward understanding reached everyone. Slowly the tension left the room, everyone calmed down, and the guys returned to their seats.

Then I made the mistake of saying, "If you want to measure, here you go."

Louie slammed a fat fist onto the table, "Yeah, we can just go to the bathroom and take a picture. Problem solved."

Roosevelt sighed, "How will I get it up?"

Louie rolled his eyes, "Put on some porn or something."

"I don't know," River stated, "Still sounds pretty gay. I don't really want to see a picture of your dick."

Louie had to pause and consider that one... for reasons I couldn't determine. Seriously, what's with straight guys needing to defend their sexuality? It wasn't until Louie glanced at me that a devious spark in his eye ignited.

"What if we had an impartial judge?" Louie grinned the toothiest grin.

The blood drained from my face, but the statement got approval from River. Roosevelt, looked unconvinced, but then glanced at me and shrugged. I looked at each of them nervously, not sure what I could say to defuse the situation until I glanced at Yoatl. The slender bat was just as uncomfortable as I was, which somehow gave me the courage to speak up.

"Guys, please," I spoke to the room at large, "Yall aren't serious, are you?"

Aside from Yoatl, the guys all nodded and gave affirmatives. Apparently, I was going to be judging some dicks. I looked down at my campaign notes, seeing the stats off my player's characters in a big, carefully recorded number grid. I had to go for the hail mary.

"Alright, I'll do it." I picked up my pencil and notebook and tried my best to intimidate them out of this crazy scheme . "But I make the rules." The guys all were confused by this, "Length isn't everything, you know. So I'll be judging you on five categories." The number came out automatically, so I quickly came up with five ways to judge a dick, "Length can be one sure, but so is girth." I glared at River, "And that girth will be an average, so you can't just rely on your knot," he frowned at that, but I continued with "Smell is important too," I declared, which got a chuckle from Louie, "If you ask for me as a judge, you're dealing with a canine judge."

Suddenly I was struggling for another two criteria, but I couldn't back out now. I looked at Roosevelt, "Texture is also important, I can't tell you how disappointing a slimy or scaly dick can be when you're unprepared for it." I let that sink in for a moment as they grew visibly more uncertain of this review. I had them on the ropes, but I had to think of one last criteria, it had to sound like something I'd genuinely care about, but would gross them out to think about it. I had it.

"Lastly, taste," I declared, "Most important of all and..." I noticed the shocked excitement on their faces and thought about what I had just said. Oh... shit...

So there I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, a measuring tape in hand, and a big, fat Gator, pants around his ankles sitting on the toilet, seat down, with the biggest, toothiest grin on his face. Like most reptiles his junk was completely internal, which posed a problem.

I wasn't about to make love to the guy, just a sniff, a lick, a few measurements, and I'd send for the next guy. The way he was looking at me though made the fur on the back of my neck flare. I tried to ignore him, but he just laughed his big Cajun laugh and made a kissy face at me.

"I'm not making out with you," I declared.

He laughed, "Then how am I supposed to get it up?"

"You have a phone," I pointed out, "Watch some porn or something."

He snapped his fingers in defeat, then did exactly that, busily typing away at whatever search engine he used to find his particular flavor.

I swore under my breath. What the fuck was I doing? I didn't have anything to prove. I could just walk out of there. I didn't have to do this.

"You have a knot?" The actress in the porno sounded surprised.

I coughed, looking up at the Gator.

"Thought Foxes had a monopoly on 'em?" The actor, by accent obviously a Reptile of some sort, responded.

I blinked, the gears turning in my head. What was he watching? He wouldn't... but every few seconds Louie glanced up at me. Fuck...

"You're watching a Gator and a Vixen, aren't you?" I tried.

He grinned, "It's a fantasy of mine."

"Nice try," I responded automatically, but there was a little something swirling in my stomach.

I looked up at him, his little pink tip now clearing the slit, and... I could smell a little something. Oh no...

"Like what you see?" Louie chuckled.

I realized I was staring and turned away quickly, but curiosity got the better of me and I looked back again to see his member had slid a little further out. Apparently my gaze was affecting the guy, and the weird muskiness of him was affecting me.

"How long's it been since you washed your dick?" I found myself asking in mock disgust.

"Got a musk fetish or something?" he teased.

"Just," I tried to ignore him, closing my eyes tight and looking away, "Get yourself hard and we'll get this over with."

In the proceeding awkward silence, I could hear the rapid 'plat, plat, plat' of the porno. Gods, was the actress overweight too? No, I was imagining things, he couldn't have found a video that relevant that quickly, could he?

"This'd be a lot faster if," Louie tried for an innocent voice, but his request was, "you took off your top."

I tried to ignore him, honestly I did, but the smell and the sound of the porno was making my head swim and my loin twitched at his words. Why was I so easy? I couldn't let myself be handled like this, not for this guy.

"Fine," I grumbled.

"Really?" He sounded genuinely surprised and just as excited.

I put down the tape measure and hooked each thumb under the hem of my sweater. In one practiced motion, I lifted it up and over my head, my milky white breasts spilling out. I tossed the sweater aside and looked back to see his eyes bulging at the sight. I'd seen my fair share of dicks, but I hadn't the experience with crocs to know if he was hard, so I squeezed my breasts together and jiggled them around. I proceeded to tweak my nipples for him, never considering that he was playing me. Crocs are always hard, they can just tuck it inside.

When I looked back over, Louie was full on masturbating, his grip hard and rhythm quick, so I stopped my show, grabbed the measuring tape, and stood up. Remembering the competition with a sigh, Louie stopped stroking himself and let me line up the tape.

"Six Inches," I declared, carefully breathing through my mouth within this proximity.

"What, no," he argued,"I'm at least seven!"

I turned the ruler so he could read it, and he grumbled in defeat. A few girth checks later, writing them down, and I had to admit, "You're a little over average."

He grumbled some more until I reached down to check the texture. Running my pawpads up and down his shaft, he decided disappointment was no longer applicable. I squeezed his bulb (not actually a knot but I didn't know that) a few times and declared, "Soft skin but with a firm knot. A little on the wet side, but that's not necessarily bad."

"And the smell?" He groaned lightly to my continued touch.

"Not at this range," I admitted, "already got a smell from over there."

He chuckled, "And the taste?"

I blew through my teeth. I hated my insistence on upholding my word to the letter. I knew the guy was going to be pugnant, I could just say that. Or I could back out on the fifth category. Or I could come up with a new fifth category. Or...

In my growing panic I accidentally breathed in through my nose, taking in his scent full blast. Something about being a canine made me weirdly susceptible to interesting smells. My body ached to take in more. I fought it for a feeble second but ultimately, I let my tongue lag out and...

The next thing I knew, I had his whole dick in my mouth, his hands gripping each of my ears, and I was bobbing up and down like a mad woman. He was groaning in delight, his left leg twitching when my teeth lightly grazed over his flesh.

His taste was immaculate. Weirdly like a French cheese, salty like the sea, and just a touch savory. My head spun as I worked my tongue around his tip, taking in more of his deliciousness when I was awarded with a bit of pre.

His thumbs worked into the most sensitive part of each ear, and I felt my knees buckle as I knelt before this truly tasty beast. I took in his length to the bulb again and again, the Gator bucking into me a little each time. He was already getting close, and my head swirled with eagerness to find out if his load would taste as good as his shaft.

He began to buck proper. No longer giving me scritches, he used my ears as handles to assault my maw with his musky cock. He wasn't the roughest, but he did a number on my snout as he fucked my face until he gave one last thrust, forcing his bulb past my lips. My mouth was overflowing with his hot seed and...

I struggled against his scaly waist, pulling my nose away from his groin until I could rush to the sink and spit. I gagged, spat, rinsed, and repeated until I was clear of the rancid stuff.

"Fix your diet," I swore.

Louie had collapsed on the toilet, his head lulled back, spinning from post orgasm haze. Slowly he looked at me, blinked twice, and then considered his words carefully. He looked down at my breasts, grinned, and then pulled up his pants, tucking his still rigid cock inside.

"Don't care," he declared, "Had blowjob."

Next was River. Big, beefy River. Welp, I was about to find out if that was the case. The guy had well kept, grey fur, strong arms, and... I guess I checked when he walked in... a sculpted ass. The fluffy tail and confident grin didn't hurt either.

I'm going to be honest, muscles don't do much for me. I give Louie a hard time, but I genuinely think he's more attractive than River... or he would be if he washed more and complained less. Thing is, there's a point when someone is so attractive that they supersede a person's likes and dislikes and anyone would sleep with them. River wasn't, but he came close.

"What's that smell?" River asked as he sat on the counter next to the sink.

The blood drained from my cheeks, "You don't want to know."

River shrugged and stretched the elastic of his gym shorts, "So... How'd he taste?"

I lifted my glasses to rub my eyes, "You don't want to know."

He slipped his shorts off, and apparently his boxers as well, in one motion and let them fall to the floor. Okay, Wolf, I can do Wolf. Nice pair of fuzzy grey orbs and a tight little sheath above. Apparently he was a little excited as the pink tip of his flesh was just barely peeking out.

"So my main competition is the Cat?" He grinned, reading my gaze, and spread his legs a bit to give me a better view.

I lifted my notebook where, for whatever reason, I genuinely had recorded a weird scoring system, showing him the page.

"That's more than five numbers," he pointed out.

"Math," I pointed out, "We're doing averages. And to answer your question, his taste averaged to a five. I went with a six overall."

"Wait, how did you average taste?" Then he shook his head, "Wait, no. You're right, I don't want to know."

"Flesh was a nine, maybe even a ten." I thought this was obvious, "Cum was..."

"You didn't." His eyes went wide.

"You know me," I said, only a little shame touching my words.

"Yeah," he looked genuinely concerned, "But Louie?"

"Not the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth. Above average even."

"Louie?" He tried not to laugh, "And the smell... it's not his dick, is it?"

I looked up from his to give him a weak grin, "Everyone has their kinks."

The gears turned in his head, as he searched my face in disbelief. Then a lightbulb moment straight out of a cartoon led him to ask, "How do you feel about post workout sex?"

"You know I don't go to..." then I realized the implications of his question, "Look, River, I know you've asked before, and the answer's still 'no'. I'm still recovering from... you know... and I can't really handle a relationship."

"What if I go and kick his ass?" The Wolf spouted the dorkiest bit of chivalry.

I sighed, he must have known that wouldn't help, but if he didn't... "Gobby? Or..."

River winced. I had divulged the story shortly after he asked me out the first time. He stayed with me all night, and... we didn't have sex, or I probably would be telling that story instead of this one. He knew about Mr Biggs, though not by name. He also didn't know that there was a Wolf there too. While they didn't look alike, his name was also River. I would never admit to anyone that the Wolf in front of me was a constant reminder of... The Event. I guess, until writing this.

"Sorry," River scratched his ear, I... uh... noticed that he had retracted into his sheath.

I blew out my nose, and tried for a smile, "It's alright. I'm getting help."

"That's good," he said immediately, "What happened was..."

"It happened," I interrupted the thing I've heard so many times it makes me ill in spite of good intentions. Then, with a deep breath, I looked him in the eyes for a change, gave him an actual grin, and said, "Now let's get you hard."

"We're doing this?" He perked up.

"I guess," I laughed, "I'm true to my word, and..." I made sure the door was closed, "I need a bit of a palette cleanser."

His laugh was a bit weak, but he was peeking out a little again, "So you won't date me, but you'll suck my dick?"

"I'm broken," I declared, "But not dead. I'm still a Mammal, I have needs."

A thought let him peak out a little more, "You want me to return the favor after?"

I laughed, genuinely, "Not this time," I winced playfully (that's a thing, I swear), "I've a sort of an empathic orgasm at times. Let me do my thing and I might get off anyways."

"That's kind of hot," River quoted another meme, starting to get visibly excited, though admittedly he was probably still cool and casual if... uh... I wasn't staring at the part of him that couldn't hide it, "So how are we doing this?"

"If you need to, you can try some porn," I ventured, "Probably the easiest way."

"Uh..." River's cool broke for a second as he glanced down at his discarded shorts, "I left my phone in the other room."

"Nice try," I stated, and despite my words, I was still staring.

"I'm serious," he started to stand, "Let me..."

"Okay," I interrupted, still fixated, "I'll do it."

He probably blinked a few times, but his cool returned, "Noice."

I approached cautiously. I really didn't want to play with his emotions... just his dick apparently... but I had a competition to run, and I didn't go half way. "So what gets you hard?"

"Oh man, what's on the table?" I could hear, but was too preoccupied to see him lick his chops, "I mean, I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with."

I tried to give him a stern look, in his eyes, but couldn't help appreciating that. I just wished he'd stop. Either way, it was asked, so, "I don't know if I could kiss you, but like, I give a decent massage..." I struggled for something else, Gods I'm Vanilla, "Or I could just work on it until..." I let my voice trail off tantalizingly (I hoped).

"Actually," he waved a paw up to draw my attention away from his groin, "If you don't mind, I've always thought you have a cute butt."

I felt a genuine smile, maybe a little crooked, creep along my face, "I can work with that."

I guess I'm too accustomed to low confidence, chubby boys, as I was surprised to find the healthy Wolf just needed a promise to get halfway there. I couldn't smell him, well, not much anyways, but even without the knot he was starting to look like a fun ride.

With another deep breath to find my own confidence, I turned around and worked the button on my pants. I wasn't eating as much at the time, so they slid off cleanly, but even with a softer diet my ass made up half my body weight. I could feel River's eyes on my backside, but I thought I might give him a little tease, so I let my fluffy tail hang low over much of it.

Then I bent over, putting each hand on the edge of the bathtub. I straightened my knees and stuck my butt up as far as I could before slowly, gently letting my tail raise, the tip dragging up my leg until it slid up what I realized was a trail of dampness.

I couldn't see it, but I've seen photos. My ass is huge, red, and fluffy, but if you look close, you can see a little white fur that would trail down from my belly, highlighting my most interesting area. When I flicked my tail all the way up, it touched River's thigh, I guess he was getting a pretty close up view. I hadn't been paying attention.

"Thought so," River snirked.

I glanced over my shoulder, "What?"

"That smell isn't all Louie," he grinned, a hand on his shaft stroking slowly in a strong grip.

"Are you..." I watched his hand trail up and down his hard manhood, "Are you saying I stink?"

"No..." he groaned, audibly sniffing the air, "It's intoxicating."

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, both sets, and took comfort in the fact that I wasn't the only canine who couldn't resist their base instincts. In fact, I'm going to tell you a secret. If he had stood up and took me at that moment. If he wanted to knot me, to knock me up and keep me, I would have let him. He didn't, and I fucking love him for that.

I shook my ass from side to side, wafting my smell (which I wasn't really picking up) about the bathroom. I could tell he was getting into it by the speed of his jerking, but I somehow got a glance at his face and he looked like he wanted to say something.

"Anything you need?" I asked in the most innocent tone I could.

"Could you... uh..." Gods his grip was hard, "Spread your cheeks?"

I don't really care for anal, but I wasn't going to ruin the mood, so I adjusted myself down a bit, having to put my shoulders on the edge of the bathtub to get both paws back on my butt. I dug my fingers in and stretched my cheeks. He probably got a good look at the little bit of pink skin that's visible around my tight pucker. Not many had made it in there, and I had purposefully displayed it to fewer. I could no longer see his reaction, but I could hear it, as the little bit of audible friction of skin on skin left me wanting.

"You ready?" I asked, hoping he didn't want me to do more, I really couldn't reach my own holes in that position.

"Uh..." he stopped beating himself off reluctantly, "Yeah... uh... yeah."

So I let my hands slide back down to lift myself up, and... stretched my back, it was sort of hurting... before grabbing the notebook and tape measure. I turned to see what I was working with... and... the smell finally hit me. It must of been the precum he was leaking, as it was much stronger than before, though still incredibly subtle. I wrote down a six for that, I really liked what I smelt and respected cleanliness, but it lacked potency. I then got to work measuring.

"Five and a half inches," I declared, putting a finger up to prevent talkback, "But even without the knot, you're one of the girthiest I've ever seen."

River processed this, "How does that compare?"

"He's a little longer," I admitted, "You're a lot thicker, and..." I unceremoniously grasped his knot, and felt up his shaft with my paw pads. He twitched and moaned lightly as I explored, taking special note of the thick veins he was sporting, "Nice texture too, very hard."

As I said that, a little more precum leaked. I guess he liked his ego stroked just as much as his dick. I could imagine a relationship with the guy, but I had to focus.

I brushed my hair back on instinct, and leaned in to give him a lick. I started at the base of his knot and trailed upward. Like the smell, the taste was subtle, but a little sweet. I stopped short of his tip, which twitched as I pulled away, to write down another six. Then, I returned, gripping his base in one hand, to lollipop him, licking clean the precum. Unlike the flesh, it wasn't as subtle, rather sweet like a cream but musky. I could already grade it high but...

"You're close?" I asked, a mischievous grin on my face as I still couldn't look away from his dick.

"I could last longer," his voice was heavy, "But yes."

I stroked him playfully, "I don't wanna be here all night," I teased, then forced myself into eye contact to... oh gods his eyes half shut, tongue lolled out, brow furrowed, I could feel myself getting wetter just seeing that... but I shook it off and met his eyes, "Cum for me."

He twitched in my grip, and I decided to finish him off manually. Tightening my grip to match his from earlier, I jerked him off in heavy but quick motions. I pounded him for only a few pumps before his legs started to spaghettify, and he spurted an arc of cum through the air with power I hadn't seen in a long time.

Then it splattered across my face. Luckily I closed my eyes in time, the stuff was thick, heavy, sticky, and all over my face. In a stroke of luck it all landed on my face, not my sweater, but in the mirror I looked like a clown on a bad day.

"You're so hot," River was still coming down from his orgasm.

I smiled and stepped over to the sink, turning on the water to wash up. Then I remembered what I was doing and swiped a finger over my nose to deposit a bit of his seed in my mouth. I sucked on my finger for a second, and confirmed, "Good flavor."

Roosevelt stood awkwardly looking down at his phone. He hadn't said anything since entering, letting me just stand there, checking the mirror to make sure I had washed all the mess off my face. Luckily, I was redressed, though I'm sure at this point it would not hide my scent.

Sighing, and finally looking up from his phone, Roosevelt looked at me the way one looks at leftover meatloaf. He stared for a minute, and I realized it was that stupid Cat dominance thing he was stuck on. I stared back. The sheer amount of "unimpressed" on his face was almost enough to bug me, and while he was vastly more stubborn than me, I was more shameless.

"Nervous?" I asked, a little smile on my face.

He didn't relent, letting a long silence pass before saying, "Why would I be?"

"You've got some," I stifled a giggle, "stiff competition."

That got him. His eyes closed and he winced. Looking back down at his phone again, he admitted defeat and swiped a few times on whatever app he was using. I watched, amused, as he fumbled for something to say, until jumped up to sit on the counter.

"You know, that's exactly where the Wolf was sitting when I..." I teasingly let my voice trail off.

Roosevelt closed his eyes and sighed, "You're shameless."

I laughed, "No, I just like seeing you squirm."

He slowly cocked his head sideways to give me a forced grin, "Do I look like I'm squirming?"

"You look tense," I pointed out a little more seriously, "You need to relax. You always take everything so seriously, even our little games of pretend."

"I'm not the one who memorized several books worth of rules," he returned.

"No," I admitted, "But I'm much more willing to break them."

He blinked again, "When did you?"

I fished up a cheesy quote, "A magician never reveals his secrets."

Roosevelt's whiskers flicked in annoyance, "Fine, sure, I'm tense. I haven't gotten laid in..." he slowed down on that, "Well, a while, and I'm sitting here waiting to be poked and prodded by..." he looked at me, considered better than finishing that thought, then I lost him to his phone again.

"By?" I asked.

"You," he grumbled.

"Me?" I put my hands on each of my shoulders in exaggerated confusion.

He struggled in his seat looking for words to express his Feline levels of disapproval. He opened his mouth, closed it, looked around, then returned to archetype. He stared me down and simply said, "You're not my type."

I frowned, that was a kind way of putting it, but... "I wish I could say the same for you, but you're adorable when you're nervous."

"I'm not nervous," he spoke too quickly for it not to be a lie.

"You're doomscrolling," I pointed out, "when a blowjob is on the table."

Roosevelt let his phone down a bit and slowly, annoyedly looked up at me. The sheer disgust in his face could only be displayed by a Cat, his slit pupils pulsing once before he narrowed his eyes. He stared at me like I was scum, like I was less than a person, like... fuck... like we hadn't been friends, hanging out for half a day every week for the last few months.

"What?" I finally snapped.

"You sucked two sweaty ass dicks within the hour. You've fucked half the guys at the shop. You're a big, fat 'gamer girl'," he actually did air quotes, "who lives on the attention she gets from acting like you care about nerd stuff. Your voice is masculine and grating, you've had post sex hair every time I've seen you, you never wear a bra, you play the victim whenever possible, and you smell like you wet your pants."

I didn't realize until after, but during his assault I had backed into the door. I had resorted to shrinking down. My heart racing, I didn't know exactly how to respond to that. I tried to argue, but... he was right.

He sighed, looking back at his phone, "Why the hell would I find you attractive?"

I had nothing to say to that. I had no idea he thought that about me. Fuck, I thought we were friends. I thought I had finally found a good group of guys to hang out with. I thought Louie was the only stinker.

"Who's winning?" Roosevelt pulled me out of my head, "Is it River? Is 'the knot' everything he's cracked it up to be?"

"I guess..." I whispered as loud as I could.

"I can live with that," and the Cat stood to leave.

Then he just stood there for a long while waiting for something. I was too busy staring at my own feet to question it. As he hovered over me, I shrank back into the closed door trying to be as small and unnoticeable as possible.

"You're in the way," he scoffed.

With an escape pointed out to me, I quickly fumbled for the door knob, my fingers only slipping off twice. I swung the door open and hid myself behind it.

"You can have her," Roosevelt stated, which made me look up.

Apparently Yaotl was at the door outside. The little Bat looked as disturbed as I felt, his eyes not quite wide enough to clear his ridiculous glasses, but enough to signal he wanted nothing to do with the Cat. Roosevelt stepped past him, unimpressed.

"Are you okay?" Yoatl said after a few minutes of us awkwardly standing about in the bathroom.

It was only then that I started crying. Everything Roosevelt said was true, and I hated myself for it. I was an easy lay, and nothing else. No one wanted me except when they hadn't gotten some in a while. People only put up with me because they thought I'd fuck them... and it didn't matter who it was, because I probably would.

"Minnie..." Yoatl tried again, "Roosevelt's kind of a dick."

I looked up, not really able to see him all that well through the tears. He was one of the very few people I'd met who was shorter than me, minus his big Bat ears, but with me hunched down in the corner, I had to look up at him. Had he... he was a Bat, he had extra sensitive ears... he probably heard everything.

"He was out of line," Yoatl stated, "And you can't let it bother you this much. I realize you're hurting. You said you were getting help. You need to drop everything and call your therapist."

I blinked, vision returning somewhat. I looked down at my hands, grasping and relaxing them a few times as I had practiced. I then rubbed the remaining tears away with my sleeve, and slipped out my phone. Yoatl watched as I swiped through my contacts until I found "Shrink" and I clicked the call button.

Bringing the phone up to my ear, I heard the ring. After an eternity of waiting, the machine picked it up. I sighed, defeated, and pulled my phone down to hang up.

"Don't hang up." Yoatl scolded me, "Leave a message. Tell them you need to talk, and that they should call you the first chance they get."

I pulled the phone back to my ear and did so. It took a lot of effort to force the words out, but I think I was able to be understood, whatever I actually said. Afterwards, I returned my phone to my pocket.

"Thanks," I finally said.

Though he had been easy to embarrass before, I could see genuine strength in Yoatl's eyes... also fear. He looked terrified but unwilling to waver. His hands were hovering near me, careful not to actually touch, his wings extending past them to give me a sort of pillow fort.

"If you need to, we can call the hotline," he tried, "I have them on speed dial."

Oh.

I tried to focus on that, "Are you?"

He shook his head, "My girlfriend was."

I gasped, continuing on that line, "Did she?"

He nodded solemnly, "I'm still working through it."

We stood there for a while, realizing we had something. I hadn't known him for long, but there was a chance this could grow into a good friendship. He understood.

"So, are we..." I grasped air with my hands, "you know..."

"What?" Yoatl tilted his head, big ears flopping.

"The competition..." I reminded him.

"Uh..." he glanced about, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

I sighed and shook my head. I would just have to leave it at the two scores, let Louie complain and... I suddenly had an idea.

"Who won?" Louie shouted as soon as I stepped into the room.

I gave him my best exasperated groan and stomped up to the table. I slid him the notebook, already opened to the first page of the competition notes, and crossed my arms, letting Louie declare the results himself. He gave me an arched brow, but when I resisted, he shrugged and looked down.

He grumbled, pouring over the notes, his eyes glazing over at the volume of it all. I don't go halfway. It took a long minute before he finally realized I had triple underlined the final results at the bottom.

"Six?" He spat, "What was the point of the other categories then?"

I sighed, "If you do the math, that's what it averages to."

He scoffed, turning the page, then did a double take "Eight? Really?"

"Me?" River asked.

I nodded.

"Hell yeah," River gave a fist pump.

Louie grumbled under his breath, a few nonspecific swears was all I caught, as he begrudgingly turned the page again. Then he stared at the new, very different information, a big toothy growing on his face. After he had reached maximum smug, he looked directly at Roosevelt.

The Cat sighed, "What?"

Louie lifted the notebook to show him the page. Roosevelt's eyes went wide, his mouth slack, then he slowly turned, full hatred taking over, to glare at me.

I shrugged.

The Cat immediately stood and stomped out of the room, returned for his dice, then stormed out, slamming the front door on the way out.

Louie burst into laughter, tossing the noteboom to River. The Wolf read it over and was less amused but still managed to join in. A confused Yoatl looked at me, noticed my smirk, and decided to walk around the table to see what was so funny.

"Final Results: Couldn't get it up"

Needless to say, the group dissolved after that. The story circulated about not just the shop I hung out at, but the area in general. I had a lot of difficulty finding players for quite a while. Eventually, I had to stop hanging out at the shop, as people started acting like I was a coin op blowjob machine. I lost contact with all four of them, some more regrettably than others.

A few days after it happened, my roommate burst into my room. I was doomscrolling, not really sure what to do with myself, until I turned to see her. She looked at me like I was the dumbest person in the world. I don't know how she heard the story, seeing as she constantly berated me for my hobbies.

She said five words to me, "length, width, angle, color, smell" and walked out.

I know what Vixens are good for. I get it. I just sometimes like to do other things, like play games or have nerdy arguments. I guess if every socially inept, desperate, or lonely nerd is going to think of me as nothing more than a piece of fuck meat, I would have to figure out some other means of socializing. My answer to that wasn't pretty, but that's a story for another time.