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“Did I care enough?

Did I care too much?

Did we fuck it up?

Wasn't it real?"

Romy,

' Did I'

We're saying our goodbyes when the reality of it sinks in. The steady flow of nervous tension that has been trickling into me all day threatens to overflow in the form of an outburst, or tears. I'm scared too, as if the moment the three of them go out of sight they might disappear from my life forever. Eve kisses my cheek and I hers, we hug so tight there's no room for breathing. Jay squeezes my paw, kisses the opposite cheek and winks. Feather. They take each of my paws in theirs, stare into my eyes and say, linen soft and sugar sweet: I'll message you when I'm off the plane, hon.

I find their words as a rose, beautiful yet thorned, capable of both triumph and tragedy. They love me, they love me not. I'll see them again, or I won't. We're in such an in-between place, to part now feels wrong.

The drive home is static.

I go straight out to my backyard, strip and enter the pool, float and stare at the sky. Saph is at work. I am alone, acting on instinct, avoiding thinking. I put on my downbeat indie playlist and mouth along to somber lyrics, allowing others' words to replace my inner monologue. The music can think for me. It's better this way.

Those post-holiday blues have set in fast. It's obvious why. I miss each of them already. I can barely wait for the wedding, which in itself is crazy. I was dreading it, now it's an excuse to go and visit Eve, Jay and Feather and I'm fucking thankful for it.

I've kept in touch with Adrian, though nothing of much substance has been said between us in a while. Now that my guests are gone I know the time has come to take a tin-opener to that can of worms. I need to call him, talk to him. Hell, I haven't actually spoken to him in years.

A spasm of fear almost sinks me. I writhe with foot and paw to keep my head above water. I have to concentrate to slow my quickened breathing. Hey Adrian, long time no talk. Yeah, just wanted to let you know that me and your fiancé fucked like crazy behind your back a couple years ago.

Right. Yeah. Not happening. Apart from the obvious awkwardness, I don't want to jeopardize my wedding invite and ruin a great excuse to travel. Ugh. What a trash thing to think. But, hell, what am I thinking? Lyrics have long since left my mind, instead my thoughts have spun out in all directions at once, brain firing off theories, sparking desires and fears and forming questions in cacophonous, syncopated simultaneity. I am adrift. Alone.

Except I'm not alone. I haven't been in years. He's always with me. After all, I learned one of the secrets of the universe: taking a life only makes it a part of you.

Marty sits poolside, dipping his toes in the water, watching me in silence. He is a mirage that could be blown away by a stray breeze. He is the bloodstain on my soul, the razor blade lodged inside my brain, a memory, a figment. He is as real as anything. Company kept him at bay for a while. It was the best I could hope for.

I exit the pool and grab my towel and phone and lay on a lounger to google Martin Konroy and spiral on and on and out until I'm about to leave the atmosphere. On the brink I take hold of myself and recall my spirit to my body with a single brutal tug. I open my group chat with the lovers and wish them a wonderful journey, writing some nonsense about how much I loved having them over. I mean it, obviously, it just feels disingenuous being so openly enthusiastic. It's so easy to convince myself that I'm not allowed to be happy. For my sins, maybe, or because I'm mentally ill. Who's to say?

My phone buzzes and lights up in my paw. Already half dazed I accept the call without thought or hesitation, only realizing I have no idea who I'm talking to by the time I say: “hello?"

“Hey, Ash."

My throat dries, I sit up straight, my muscles tense. I hug my chest with my free arm and suppress a shiver.

“Kale." My word is a prayer, a single enchanted syllable charged with the sincere wish that I am mistaken. I know I am not.

“Are you alone?"

I breathe deep, doing my best to replenish the air that his sudden presence has knocked from me.

“Yeah... I saw Eve and her partners off at the airport a couple hours ago. So, yes. I'm alone." I swallow nothing. “Congratulations, by the way."

“Thank you." I can't read his tone at all. “I, well..."

He fails to finish the thought, but his hesitation says enough. It hits, like the backpaw of a lover. It cuts like a razor blade to the throat. Years of pain and forced exclusion. The love I once felt, the remnants I still feel. The guilt of it all, and the terror. The lust and the desire and the best sex I ever had. I'm back there in the car leaving him at the airport. I'm further back, his tongue tangling with mine when he drops me off for my self-imposed exile. When he rejects me. Then later, when he fucks me anyway. Then later still, when he acts like it never happened.

I grip the phone like a cliff's edge. I'm crying, borderline bawling out of nowhere like a malfunctioning faucet.

“What the fuck, Kale? I mean, what the fuck!"

“I didn't want to invite you, I- Fuck, that sounds bad. I mean, I knew how hard it would be for you. Adrian had no idea, didn't even know quite how far we've drifted apart."

“Drifted apart? Fuck you, Kale. Drifted apart? What are you talking about? You fucked my brains out for a week straight, told me it meant shit to you, then fucked off and made me feel like trash for the crime of not forgetting what happened."

“Ash... God. I know, I know. I fucked up. Look, I'm glad you're coming to the wedding, I really am. I want to fix this. I want to be close to you again. It was just- I know you wanted us to be more, and- And at the time there was a part of me that wanted the same. But I love Adrian and, for some inexplicable reason, he loves me too. I would never forgive myself if I ruined that, so I forced myself to maintain distance as a means of self defense. I know it was cruel. I know you didn't deserve what I put you through, and I'm so, so sorry."

“You're full of shit, you know that?" My voice is a hoarse, accusatory whine. I am overwhelmed and overloaded as years of bottled, bubbling emotion flows out of me and over him with the crushing force of a tidal wave. “How stupid do you think I am? Am I nothing more than that dumb, bimbo bitch who bent over and spread his cheeks at your command, who let you fool him into falling for you, twice? Fuck that. You're not calling to make amends, you're calling because you're terrified of me," and it clicks ever further into place as I speak. “And you waited just long enough for Eve to get out of the way before you called, not even leaving time for me to decompress and come to any sort of decision about what to tell Adrian, you slimy vindictive fuck! You're calling because you don't want me to tell your fiancé that you flew up here and pounded my ass raw for days on end. And the worst fucking part is, I probably won't." I let out a single, harsh sob, sniff, wipe my eyes and shake my head in a rush of mounting frustration. “I still think about you all the time. I still fucking miss you and, kill me now, what tore me up when I heard you were getting married wasn't only the thought of keeping our little secret, it was knowing that I'll never have you."

Silence. I hear the echo of my words and I huddle, shrinking, into myself, shivering.

“I deserved that," he says, with an extended, ragged sigh. “I deserved that. I've been a bad friend. Maybe 'friend' isn't even the word. I... I'm sorry. I- We've never talked about what happened, and that's on me, I know, but I see now what a mistake that was. And you're right, like sixty percent at least. I did wait to call until Eve left and I do want to talk about the situation with Adrian, but that's not all this is. What's fucked is that it took all of this for me to stop and think and realize just how awful I've been to you, how unfair the position that I put you in was. I messed up, and you don't have to forgive me, but I'm here. We can talk about it, finally. I'm ready now. And I'm sorry. And... yeah."

The death grip I have on my phone loosens, a little. “Go on, I'm listening. What do you have to say for yourself?"

“I know better than to make excuses. Back then I didn't let myself stop long enough even to consider it, but I used you. I had no intention of doing anything other than going back to my life with Adrian at the end of that week, but that didn't stop me doing what I did. I led you on."

“And now you regret it, like you told me you wouldn't."

A long, empty pause. Through the speaker comes the distorted static of uncomfortable shuffling, heavy breathing.

“I don't regret it, Ash. I think, maybe, I needed it."

“So I was another step on your fucking hero's journey of self discovery?"

“No, god no, Ash. I- I'm saying we had a great time. That I needed a great time. I'm saying I shouldn't have given you false expectations."

“Ah I see, I was just a good fuck when you needed one most."

“Ash, stop it, I know you're angry but you know that's not what I meant. I'll say it in plain English: part of me fell in love with you when we met and has never stopped loving you. But I'm Adrian's, and he's mine. I'm sorry if it's harsh to say that you were my second choice, but that's the truth."

I squeeze my forehead with my free paw, eyes scrunched shut, head throbbing. My throat is somehow even drier than before, my tone chafes like sandpaper when I speak: “like I said, hon, grats on the wedding."

“I'm sorry."

“You'll be such a good husband babe, just don't let him know you don't even regret pounding my bouncy husky bubble butt all because the two of you had an argument that one time. I mean, seriously, what the fuck does that say about your relationship? How serious can you really be?"

Somehow he is calmer than ever. “Why should I regret great sex with somebody I felt love for?"

“Oh sure, you're in an open relationship now? Or poly, like Eve? That's great, yeah, bravo for you. One problem, bitch, you forgot to tell Adrian."

“So you regret what happened?"

“Of course I fucking do!" I shout, borderline scream, down the line. Then I'm shivering, and tears rise to the corners of my eyes. “No. God, no I don't. But I'm a weak, self-centred fat fuck with mental health issues and sexual trauma. I haven't let anyone fuck me since Marty, no-one except you."

“We were good, weren't we?" I see his big, stupid grin in my mind's eye, those thick lupine fangs, his raw and violent sexual energy and I want him to fuck me until it hurts, until I gape, until I don't wake up.

“You really chose his bony ass over mine?" It's a quiet, needy whine, the remnants of the college drama kid I once was escaping now at twenty-nine going on thirty.

“It's not quite so bony anymore actually."

I scoff. “You fattened him up a bit?"

“He did that all by himself, I just failed to discourage it."

“I thought he was a gym junkie."

“'Was' is the operative word there."

I shake my head and laugh, despite myself. “God, what are we even saying?"

He laughs even louder, longer. “All the shit we should have said these last two years years. It's good to vent, to talk it out, to be honest, no matter what. It's my fault we never had this chance, but now we do. I'm glad we're getting it all out there."

I exhale. “I'm sorry for shouting."

“Don't be, I've been an asshole."

“Yeah, you really have. And to tell the truth I'm not convinced you're doing any better now."

“I- Yeah. Fair."

“I mean, fuck you Kale. Fuck you." My curses are spoken now, almost calm, but no less charged. “Do you have any idea how badly I've needed you since I last saw you? You're the only person in the world who was there when- You saw it. You were there. He hurt you too. I needed you, Kale. I needed you."

For the first time in this whole conversation I can hear the cracks. He lets out an unintentional sound, and sucks in a sharp breath. “I never should have pushed you away."

“You were the only fucking tether I had for so long, and then you vanished."

Another muffled sound that might be a sob. “I know. I've been thinking about that for two weeks, I- I-"

I let his stuttering uncertainty sit in the still air and lay back, closing my eyes, focusing only on regulating my breathing.

“I know I don't deserve your forgiveness Ash, I really do. But, if you'll have me, I want to be there for you again."

“Things can't just go back to the way they were, it's not possible." I stop to think and draw breath. “But, okay, maybe. We can text again. See what happens."

“Thank you," a sniff. “And when you come down, let's spend some time together okay? Just you and me."

“What, hoping for a last fuck before you get hitched?" He laughs a hollow laugh but doesn't otherwise respond. “Okay, enough burying the lead. Make your case."

He bumbles a few unintelligible syllables before abandoning the attempt to pretend he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He clears his throat.

“So. I did eventually talk to Adrian about that week with you, and I didn't lie..."

“I'm sensing a 'but'."

An embarrassed cough. “But, I didn't tell him everything. He knows pretty much all that happened up to and including you sucking me off by the pool. We talked it through for a long time and worked it out. It's just, I didn't volunteer any more information."

“Didn't lie, huh?"

I can almost hear him wince. “I know, it was only half of the story."

“Half? More like five percent." I wave a dismissive paw that Kale has no way of seeing. “Whatever, go on."

“Well, that was pretty much it. We never really talked about it again after that and I didn't bring it up on my own. Maybe it was a mistake to hide so much of what happened, but here and now is the worst possible time for me to right that particular wrong." I grunt a noncommittal response. “All I ask is that you're not the one to tell him. We can talk it through, you and me. If you think I need to come clean, I will. But not yet, not now."

“When?"

“Next year, maybe, I don't know. But not before the wedding, and not on honeymoon either. I'm sure you can understand that." I offer another noncommittal grunt. “What do you think, Ash? Don't leave me hanging, please. I love that fox with my entire being. I don't want to lose him."

I can't hear a hint of a lie in those words, and it stings.

“I'll think it through," I say, finally. “But how about a counter offer? If I decide I need to tell him, I'll give you warning. Then, worst case, you can pre-empt me."

“Okay," he says. “Okay. But please at least talk things through with me again before locking in on that decision. What I have with Adrian works, I couldn't bear losing it. Please don't take it away from me."

“Take it away from you? I wasn't the one who cheated on him, Kale. You did that."

“Two years ago. We're getting married for god's sake. I know it was my mistake, I know I should have told him everything back then, but I didn't, and telling him now could jeopardize the greatest joy in life." He sighs. “I am at your mercy, Ash. I suppose it's exactly where I deserve to be."

I can feel my will weakening. Just hearing his voice again is enough to drag me back in time. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I want to be his friend. I want him to shove me down and fuck me too, but that's nothing new.

“Alright," I say, “I'll think it over, and talk to you again before making up my mind."

“You're a real sweetheart," he says.

“Yeah, and you're an asshole."

*

Saph squeezes my paw when I leave the room, stares support into my eyes. I'm self-conscious to the point that I go outside and sit in the front seat of my car before I hit call, needing a private space all of my own. It rings and rings until it rings out. I get the start of his voicemail speech before I hang up. Damn it. As nervous as I am, I didn't want the call to fall through, it only means I'll have to live in a perpetual state of anxiety until I can get through. I stare at my phone with suspicion for about a minute - working up the courage to try again - when it lights up and vibrates. He's calling back. I pick up.

“Adrian, hi!"

“Hey! It's good to hear your voice. Been a while, right?" He laughs an airy, effeminate laugh, more meant to lift the mood than actually express joy. “Did you have a great time with Eve and the gang?"

“Yeah, it was lovely having them over." We trade pleasantries for a while, re-acclimatizing ourselves to one another, not having spoken like this in over three years. It feels like we're walking on eggshells, each trying to say neither too much nor too little, aiming always for friendly while avoiding overly-familiar. It's awkward, but we muddle through.

“So," he says, the conversation taking its inevitable turn. “Have you made your decision yet? Are you coming to the wedding?"

I close my eyes, breathe in, force myself to act brave. “Yes! I'll be there, definitely."

“Oh that's great! I'm so glad. I'd love to have you down for the bachelor parties too. I know it means staying quite a lot longer, but-"

“I mentioned it to Eve already, she's practically begging for me to stay with her. So, yes, since the offer is still open, expect me there."

“Hell yes." Real excitement, or is it that relief? “I'm so glad to hear you say that. I know we haven't been close in... Well." Another light, airy laugh, then a clearing of the throat. “I don't think we've ever been as close as we could've been. I want to make that right."

I can feel my heart rate rising. “Adrian..." In spite of my best intentions, my voice trails off.

He doesn't pick up the trail immediately. There's a beat, two, three too many between my words and his.

“What's up?"

“Why did you invite me, really?" Even asking the question excavates a shiver from somewhere deep inside me. My paws are shaking, I press the phone against my ear, using force to ensure stillness. There is little else to hear than his breathing. Eventually comes the sound of a maw opening, the pop that accompanies the unsticking of a tongue to the roof of a mouth.

“You and Kale don't talk so much these days, do you?"

“No." I try not to think too hard about Kale's surprise call earlier. I want to talk to Adrian, hear him out, come to a decision on my own, if I can.

“I guess..." A long pause. “Don't get me wrong, I meant everything I told you over text, but you're right. There's more. I think maybe it's better to talk it through in person. I was planning to get you to myself at some point when you were over and do all this then." He sighs and I imagine his pretty face settling into a resigned smile. “But leaving you wondering doesn't seem fair. It's about Kale."

I try not to give an audible reaction, but my staggered response probably says plenty. “Yeah?" My head is pounding. I did not have enough of a plan for this call. I've been anxious all day since talking to Kale, I haven't been able to think straight. I thought finally talking to Adrian might help clear things up, but so far it has only made things hazier.

“He told me what happened between the two of you during his visit."

“I... I'm sorry, Adrian." My eyes scrunch shut, I rub my temples. Fuck. He must only know what Kale told him, which is a nickel on the dollar. Why should I help bury that wolf's dirt for him? But there is an answer. It always comes back to the same thing: I don't want to tear apart something that works because of one bad week. Still, I can't help but prod. “What, uh, what exactly did he tell you?"

“Well, he told me that one night the two of you got drunk, that he was complaining about an argument the two of us had and then you two got flirty. One thing led to another and, well, you sucked him off."

I leave just enough of a pause to be certain he is done talking before I respond. “I'm so fucking sorry Adrian. We-"

“You don't need to explain yourself, it's in the past, for both of you. Kale and I talked it through, and since then I've spent a lot of time turning it over in my head and I have already forgiven you, and Kale." A persistent rumbling forces me to realize that I've started my car's engine without thinking about it, without going anywhere, without a plan. Just some subconscious nervous tic, maybe a desire for white noise, for motion. I am waiting for the penny to drop, for things to go wrong. “But I'd still like to see you, catch up, talk it through, you know. Clear the air. I think that would do good for the both of us. And for Kale. It... it would help me settle my mind before the wedding."

“Of course, Adrian, of course. I owe you that. I owe you way more. I- Fuck, I-" I want to say more, so badly, I want to go against Kale's plea and tell him everything. Maybe it's the right thing to do, or maybe I'm an emotional sadomasochist. “That whole situation was a mistake. That whole week was-"

“Look, we'll talk when you're here." Adrian cuts me off, I wonder how much I might have said if he didn't. “It was one time, two years ago."

One time? The confidence with which he parrots Kale's lie is too much. I let out a series of half formed sounds that combine into little of anything. My vision blurs and the whole world swerves. I clear my throat and start again. “It was a messy week."

“Yeah it looks that way, and the two of you fell out over it. I think it's time to forgive and forget, for all of us." It's almost too gracious, too magnanimous. I am simultaneously thankful and suspicious as hell. If I were a paranoid guy - and I am - I would think he's trying to convince himself of all this more than he's trying to convince me. “I'm really glad you're coming early, for the parties. It'll be good to see you and, uh, yeah, it will be good to... clear the air, like I said."

My ears perk, my tail bushes. A creeping doubt chills my spine. “Is, uh... Is there more to this, Adrian?"

A discordant hum. “It's nothing... well... just... look, it's really nothing. I'm- I'm looking forward to catching up with you. Stay in touch, okay? And I'll see you here soon!" For the first time I notice the aberrant ring of false enthusiasm underlining his tone.

But I don't call him out on it. My mind is at a pace - I need time to consider, to plan. We exchange pleasantries, say our goodbyes, and hang up.

Car already running, I drive to the nearest grocery store, walk around for thirty minutes in an unseeing daze, then walk out and drive back home again. Apparently I bought snacks because I'm passing some to Saph as she asks me how it went. I tell her the truth: “I have no fucking clue."