New Feelings: Entry#3: Our Secret.
Entry #3: Our Secret
Hey, once more I find myself writing in here, to you, journal. I never thought I'd be writing so much every day. oh well.
SO......as you may or may not know....I did something so incredibly stupid I just wanted to DIE!!! What happened was Elliott was gone from school yesterday, so I text him. One thing leads to another and I end up texting a <3 to him....A FREAKIN' <3?!?! Gawd what was I thinking?! I didn't hear from him all of yesterday, so, naturally I'm so nervous I feel like crap =p. When can I tell him? When can I tell him I'm gay? What will he think of me then? And if he's okay with my being gay, what'll he do if I tell him I have feelings for him? Jeez, life, why do you love to torture me so much? Why do you MAKE me believe that the phrase "Life is a bitch" is true? *sigh* Oh well, I gotta stop writing now, time for school.
Until Next Time,
Caylen~
It was a cold midwinter day at Richard Berkley High School, it had rained last night, so the sickly-sweet smell of wet asphalt still hung in the air. I truly hated these days because my ears would freeze if I was outside for more than a few minutes. Though, I never got tired of being able to see my breath at the tip of my muzzle as I talk or breathe. I was standing next to the bench that the group I hang out with at school sits on before school and my heart sank. There he was, walking towards me, expressionless, with a hint of anger in his eyes, the kind of anger you see a predatory animal give to its prey right before they go in for the kill.
This is it. I sighed. He's gonna kill me, right here, right now, in front of everyone. He's gonna say "What the fucking hell is wrong with you faggot?!?" or "Never speak to me, look at me, or even THINK of me! Got that?"
I braced myself for what was to come, ready to take the embarrassment and cruelty I'd receive from those who watched the fight unveil, ready to run to the bathroom, tears in my eyes, to hide my shame and my idiocy. He seemed to have sped up his walk into a mild walk-jog. When he finally walked right up to me, his muzzle almost touching mine, he growled
"Come with me, NOW."
Reluctantly, I agreed. We walked out to where the choir room was, secluded from the other parts of the school, where nobody would hear me being beat up until it was too late. I knew I was dead, I just had to wait for it now.
He stared at me for what seemed like hours. I looked away for as long as I could, sometimes looking up to see him, staring at me intently, as if he were waiting for something. So, finally I broke the silence. I said "Listen." Only to be instantly stopped by Elliott saying:
"NO!" "You listen to me now." He growled saying it. He then continued, saying "What was with that text you sent me? The one about missing me."
"I-I...it was...-"
"Shut it." At that I was scared beyond belief. Here it comes. I thought, He's gonna do it now, he's gonna call me a fag and tell me to go and die.. Tears started to well up in my eyes, I felt so stupid, so horrible. It was decided, it was better for me to just tell him. I mean, it was gonna be all over anyway, right? So I did. Tears running down my face, I just couldn't hold it in any longer, I lost it. I have no idea what Elliott was saying, but I'm sure I interrupted it.
"Elliott, listen, to me, please." I used every last bit of strength I had. " I.....I'm gay, a faggot, and you-I-I just want you to know---"
Then it all fell apart. Elliott embraced me, bringing me in tight. He looked at me, his eyes had gone from predatory to loving. He finished my sentence for me saying in a soft, tender voice,
" I love you."
Silence. Crying, I looked up at him, amazed at what he had just said. And as we shared that moment, the single most amazing thing that had ever happened to me, short of my parents not killing me when I told them I was gay, happened. He brought me in, and kissed me. Our muzzles were locked for what I hoped was an eternity, my quiet sobs subsided, and I took hold of him, as he did me.
We unlocked, for, we both needed to breathe. When we did, we didn't let go of each other, tails intertwined, arms laced around the other's upper body. Nothing could have ruined this moment. Nothing but the bell. Now that sweet ring was nails on a chalkboard, a horrible screech that ended our sweet, sweet moment. As we let the other go, blushing, breathing softly and quietly, he whispered to me,
"Our little secret."
He kissed me once more, then went on to class, walking as he usually did while I just stood there, perplexed, almost crying again. These would be tears of joy, of happiness. All my worries seemed to fade away then. He loves me...he LOVES me...I'm so happy. He didn't reject me! I have something to live for again, oh life, sweet life is good. I spent the better part of my period off thinking about this, then thinking about what he'd said. "Our secret." Our secret? Does that mean he's closeted? Is he really gay? Maybe he's just experimenting, using me...no, no way. he would NOT have kissed me, not like that, if he didn't mean it. I sighed. Under my breath I muttered "I've got to talk to him more about this." Well, I'm sure gonna have something to write about tonight.
What happened this morning would distract me for the rest of the day at least. And I for sure don't see Elliott the same way as I did yesterday, but, all in all, I'm glad it happened, I mean telling him I'm gay and all....The fact we both love each other is just an amazing coincidence. Or, perhaps fate, would say otherwise...