10 - Repression

Brandy and I did talk to each other again a few days after the disastrous end to our date. I assured her that we weren't doing anymore double-dates with Louis, and that Louis lost a bit of respect from me for that. I hated to admit it, but after that night I even began to lose a little faith in Louis as a friend. Despite the sincere apology, it did little to repair the fact the mask I'd been wearing around him was beginning to take it's toll on my attitude toward him, and now I couldn't tell him the truth about me or I'd risk being outed. Similar to Liam with Jack, I had a list of people that just couldn't know, but my list stood a tad longer. Actually, this stood even before the date, and only managed to erase any remaining doubts.

It made me happy to learn what a quick-witted and sweet girl Brandy turned out to be. Heck, I could very well have begun to wish myself straight, then we'd be off to a fantastic start! She did not cling like many girls - a major pet peeve, and she remained pretty nonchalant about the whole thing; a casual relationship. She only called me a few times during the month, though the fact excused itself since she worked upwards of sixty hours a week as Daytona testing rolled around.

On my plane ride to Daytona I told Brandon about our date, too, using the four-dollar words "catastrophe" and "lamentable".

"Wow. That bad? I'm sorry, bud." He sounded sincere. You didn't get much sincere sympathy much from the NASCAR boys.

"I told her I just want to be friends. I don't want a girlfriend right now, I got my whole life ahead of me." I stated confidently, somewhat of a "hey, I'm still available", but knew it wouldn't get a rise from him while at least one of us continued to hang out in the closet.

There was a brief silence.

"Jasper..." This came as a shockingly abrupt change of pace and tone. I could picture him looking socially up to me on this one. It sounded like a heartfelt request for my attention, like the words to follow meant something to him.

"Yeah?" I asked in the same tone I had used while talking to Liam. An indication of anything? Surely I could hope.

"Did you, by any chance, look at the back bumper of the die-cast I sent you?" He sounded nervous.

I left the diecast in my collectibles display in Lakeview. I wanted to kick myself for not taking pictures with my iphone, and I didn't want to disappoint him, but at the same time I remained exceedingly inquisitive as to what he hinted at, "You mean the quote? It was beautiful."

He paused a moment, "Um... yeah. I hope you liked it." This sounded a little diluted.

I sighed, "Is there... something else that I missed?"

Brandon paused again, "Um... well, I'm just kinda upset right now."

I began to grow a little giddy, eyes widening. It felt almost sadistic that I grew happy off his sorrow, but in reality, I hoped desperately that the conversation took a turn in the direction I thought it did.

"Nothing really... just... upset with my friend, Weber."

I replied a little sympathetically, "Oh. Do... you wanna talk about it or something?"

"I don't."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure." He said a little firmer. I felt confidence in his voice there. Very good sign!

"Well... alright." I sighed, then tried to throw a hint in there, "Brandon, I want you to know that you can share absolutely anything with me in total confidence. Trust me, there's stuff I'd never trust anyone with myself, so I can definitely empathize."

"I gotta go." He forced out and suddenly hung up.

I texted him a cyber pat on the back and a "cheer up :)", but though I felt a tad concerned, this struck me as a point of no return... I already caught myself crushing hard on the guy, but this allowed the crush to spread it's wings and begin to soar to new heights. My emotions stirred at the thought of him. This, the first time I saw Brandon as a multidimensional fur, put the final nail in the coffin; exactly what I needed to see him complete in my heart. It felt safer than ever to say that I fell in love.

How pathetic of me that he didn't know a lick of it.

I landed at Daytona Beach on Sunday the 10th. I had the same lovey dovey poetic mindset as the plane landed at approximately 9:15p.m. local time. We sped down the runway and slowly came to a stop, then departed the aircraft. I walked through crowded gates to the luggage area and stood there for a moment, just watching the luggage track do its rounds through the flaps, excusing it with waiting for my bags, but knowing in my mind that I felt so full of emotion and nerves. I knew I had to tell him at some point with it trying to bust down the door on its own, and it hurt - all the feelings inside of me just thinking about him, I didn't want them to be all for naught! I did not want to be stopped by simply keeping this from him for too long. My new life completely stopped me in my tracks; not even a passing glance to waving fans as they walked by and greeted me. I just couldn't bring myself out of my trance, and flipped my hoodie over my head to prevent any further issues.

Then he was there.

I entered the airport lobby with my tote found him departing the airport alone. My tail wagged and I had to force my smile to break through my nerves.

His brown fur looked as if he took hours grooming it, but his wardrobe sure didn't match. Regardless, he was still himself - Awesome.

"Have a nice trip?" I snuck up on him from behind and asked.

"Yeah, I..." He turned, "HEY!!! How are you?!" He nearly screamed it as we went through the revolving door. I smiled, feeling I absolutely made his day.

He gave me a brief, friendly hug, which I enjoyed thoroughly. He did not have any cologne on today, which allowed me to get a good whiff of his strong, unique musk. I about fainted when I smelt it. I backed off as I developed a slight stiffy. I surely did not want him to feel that.

When he let me go, I finally responded, placing an arm nervously behind my neck and scratching there, "I'm okay. A little hungry, and probably going to go to bed once I get to my room tonight." I yawned for emphasis following this. Honestly, I did want to be to myself, but I wanted him there with me. I wanted him to sleep with me in my bed. I wanted his caress. I wanted his tongue to brush across my own. I wanted everything a real romantic relationship has, but that one little problem remained: he's still of the same gender! If I wanted that, it had to be treated delicately and handled with the utmost care! If I couldn't find myself 10,000% sure he felt the same, I'd risk everyone finding out - and I'd be completely alone to face it.

"So, Subway or Subway?" He smiled and cocked his head to the side, and damn he made it look cute! His little ears flicked with the movements of his head.

Food would definitely be a good cure to nearly exploding from adorableness, and there was a Subway in the airport. I didn't think either of us wanted to do any serious driving tonight, so Subway seemed the answer.

As we stood in line to get our food, he began to list out all of the fan and sponsor obligations he had, speaking of them like a kid at Christmas - like he could not believe where he stood now. He even got to go to Los Angeles on the 6th for a national interview. I envied him in a sense with all the fan attention. I could not put a finger on why it ended up like that, though, with me being the kid who climbed through the ranks and him being the one who was just shot from a cannon straight from the amateurs to Swift Cup. I brushed it off, as it just gave me more opportunity to prove myself.

I had plenty to speak of, but nothing I really wanted to speak of.

We grabbed a booth seat next to the wall far from earshot of anyone after doing a couple of autograph signings for the cashiers.

"So... tell me what happened with your cousin again." He inquired as we sat down.

I filled my mouth with bread and turkey and had to swallow before I could speak, "He just... came down to breakfast one morning, kinda seemed a little different, and then announced to everyone he was gay. Then later on I talked to him a little more about it and told him no matter what my uncle may think if he finds out, that I'm still his friend." I took a tentative sip of my soda, testing it for temperature.

He smiled at me and shook his head, "Good man." He nodded and looked down a little nervously, "If I was in his shoes, I tell ya..." He chuckled and licked his lips, looking around. I duly noted that.

"There's 9,999% Jasper. Why are we still afraid to take the shot in the dark? Just say it!" I breathed to myself.

He regained his composure and sighed, "I'd be lucky to have a friend like you."

Then I stopped to think for a moment as he began to munch on his sandwich happily; he paid for my food again. This was not bribery, this was an act of kindness. Something drove him.

Unfortunately, he gave me the honors.

"Jasper... um... can I ask you something?" He asked softly.

I shuddered a little at the question. I knew what had to follow, and it terrified me. A chill ran down my heart, "Go ahead." I tried to sound prepared.

"Well... you speak on Liam's behalf very well." He commented, "But... what happened after? Like... you told me you helped him. Did his uncle find out or something?"

False alarm, though he seemed very interested in my story of Liam. Another good sign, "Well... no, and we're hoping it stays that way." I shrugged, "Uncle would probably lynch him."

He laughed, "Yeah, my folks don't really like gays either. You're a good guy, though." He took another sip of his soda.

I took another bite of my sandwich, not wanting to look at him, as he stared me down, though I assumed it to be an accident, but I wanted to stare at him in a different way. So I did, jokingly at first, but then got into it. My eyes fluttered a little as I studied his, observing the fur on his cheeks, around his muzzle, the black around his eyes, those soft-looking weasely ears.

"Sorry. Not staring at you." He shook himself out of his trance.

"Oh, it's okay." I said, feeling a little awkward now.

"Fuck it... Jasper, we're NAFSCAR drivers. We know what's at stake." He pounded his fist on the table, "You can trust me. I can trust you. This question is killing me. Are you gay?"

I had a little trouble reading his expression as I choked on my sandwich. I couldn't quite determine if he seriously wanted to know, or if he simply wanted something to debate over. Maybe I simply mistook the determination, or maybe he played it falsely. I tried to think positive on the note. But the question had laid itself out, and I had to come up with an answer, quickly, before I had any giveaways. Then again, wouldn't shameful silence be an easier out without lying? No, I couldn't... I'd look unsure or uncomfortable in front of him. Too shameful, too much like a beggar, and that would surely make it awkward for him. I had to be out with it quick to avoid this, after too long a delay, you can't say you're straight, so I improvised.

"Well, why?" I asked innocently, shining the spotlight back his way, hoping he cracks first. My tail fluffed and I had to hide it, but my ears flicking back almost gave me away.

His confident-yet-serious expression never changed, "Please, Jasper, trust me, and don't take it the wrong way. I'm just... curious. You're my friend. I would never sell you out like that if you told me you were gay."

Boy oh boy, what a tangled web we had now. I, alone, faced with the question. I had to be the Liam now. I had to get it out, as I had been trying to for weeks already! That tanuki stared me down, nerves totally absent, as if God himself couldn't break him. After analyzing everything he'd said though, it couldn't be more obvious! He gave me a simple task, in a simple situation. I said it before, I could say it again. I could trust him. No time left to think, I gulped down my last bit of sandwich and considered my words, then I took a breath and opened my mouth to speak.

I have trust issues, and they showed tonight. I lie awake in bed in my hotel room alone, tears staining my cheeks. I inquired God if tears were staining his, too, tears of feeling nobody can trust him, while mine tears of a mix of emotions, all directed back at myself. How could I have lied to him like that, after being blessed with the greatest of opportunities? Who am I to want love when I can't even care about my potential mate over my own image? It had to have come out by mistake, but then I rode it as fact. Inexcusable, Jasper!

I considered the fact that I probably hurt him. Obviously, he saw me as the one potential guy, the one who could relate to him in at least that little way! I let out a sob, pressing my paws to my eyes. There was no doubt in my mind we felt mutual after playing his words in my head again and again, searching for any signs I could be wrong. I drew a blank, and every time I'd make the determination, I'd go back to the fact that I told him I am basically off limits when I am so not.

I sat up on the side of my bed, observing the flag my good friend had given to me. Louis's words rang in my head as I wiped another dramatic tear from my cheek only to have more wet my soft fur. My paws were already soaked from my half hour of empathy for Brandon. Why did I do this to myself? Was it really necessary to cry out a hypothetical? I turned on a light and wiped away the tears, sighing to myself, "I love you, Brandon... I'm so sorry." I threw Louis's flag across the room, "I'm not fucking good enough! Not enough of a fucking man, am I?!" Regardless of whether Brandon actually felt for me or not, I knew I loved him, yet I didn't earn a lick of it, and continued to live a lie, completely voiding a promise to myself that I had made long before - "to tell the truth if asked". Knowing NAFSCAR typically runs on a Don't Ask, Don't Tell (not mandated, but a common courtesy) policy, I never expected to be asked. However, I never once considered this happening.

Before I wallowed in anymore self pity and false empathy for Brandon, my hand grasped the note from the flag, which I had kept. I gripped the note harder, and harder, as I scuffed my paws across the floor to the bathroom and grabbed a tall glass of water. I gazed at that husky-lynx in the mirror. I held the note up and crumpled it up, "I am a man." I seethed, dropping the note onto the marble sink and gazing flatly at what appeared to be me.

"If I'm going to change, consider this the first step." I paused and sighed, gripping the edge of the counter, "You've made it hard enough for yourself, J. What you failed to do tonight..." I looked at myself sarcastically in the mirror, "Doubles. Tomorrow. Congratulations." Thus began the self-inflicted punishment.