Merry Fucking Christmas
(Quietly and surreptitiously murmured to T'was The Night Before Christmas)
T'was the end of October, 3-1 to be clear
And the end of the Halloween season drew near
A little man sat, all in red on his throne
And stomped his right hoof as he uttered a groan
He picked up a glass and wheeled back to throw it,
"I know he'll upstage me this year, I just know it!"
Then a horrible plan coalesced in his mind
To give to St. Nick a fate very unkind
"Hare Easter!" he called in a thunderous roar,
To summon a friend that he'd had once before.
"Ha ha." chimed a small voice. "You think you're so funny."
"But don't forget pal, I'm now called 'Easter Bunny'!"
Beelzebub witnessed a tiny white fluff,
Not manifestation, but it was enough.
"We're merely bit players!" Old Scratch harshly hissed.
"A few days a year, and then we're hardly missed!"
"But loan me life magic, just a little bit,
And I'll put an end to that jolly old shit."
The powderpuff hovered, unsure of its choice.
Could it really trust in that horrible voice?
"I'll give it right back." Satan cooed. "Never fear."
"And then Easter can last for half the damn year!"
The foul soul felt stirred - he'd gained some new magic!
"Just make sure the old sot's end isn't too tragic."
And off went the devil to frosty North Pole.
"Wow, this place is barren. Man, what a hole!"
His eyes scanned the workshop, the toys and the tables
Until they discovered his true goal: the stables!
In crept the fallen, his voice whisper-soft,
As clouds of pollution, they held him aloft.
And there he found reindeer, all nine, he did see
His lips broadened wide, with malicious glee.
One at a time, he tapped on each snout
Till each reindeer woke to see what was about.
Panic ensued, to shatter the silence
For moments, he feared that it would end in violence!
But soon each form stumbled, and fell to the floor
To rest from the foul interruption - and more!
Bodies were changing, aligning and growing
Soon, different parts of the reindeer were showing.
Their hips realigned - no more four-legs were these
Instead, they could walk upon two legs with ease!
Their chests blossomed forth, into bountiful tits
As Satan watched on, having giggling fits!
Their forehooves gained fingers, now articulated -
This went better than he had anticipated!
Between hindlegs, other things altered as well
As nine reindeer sheaths had started to swell
Beneath them, plump orbs, full of 'eggnog' to share
And beneath those? Each had a doehood down there!
"Arise, my new minions!" Beelzebub shouted.
"It's time that Old Fatso got his ass rerouted!"
Nine forms stood up tall, two strong hooves on the floor
And one by one, each opened the stable door.
The devil grinned wide as he ran to the cottage.
"On Bondage! On Dommy! On Subby! On Frottage!"
"On Oral! On Anal! On Macro! On Vore!
Let's show that fat bastard what we've got in store!"
They crept in the snow out towards Santa's own sleigh
But all new toys would they deliver today!
"Let's show everybody what Old Scratch can do!
Naughty kids ought to have their Christmas too!"
So Dolly got anal beads she could make spark
And Billy got dildos that glowed in the dark
Mikey got bondage here, Suzie a crop
Freddy got himself a new dungeon prop
But Satan knew naughty, and he was no rube
So each naughty child got a spare can of lube.
They sped on back home, the reindeer all needy,
Beelzebub saying, "Oh, my! I've been greedy!"
"Don't think I've forgotten, that wouldn't be fair!
Your gifts are all waiting for you nine in there!"
The reindeer unhitched as they leered at each other,
Each knowing the mind of their sister (or brother)
From inside the workshop, there rose such a yell
Beelzebub snickered; they were raising hell!
While folks were distracted, he darted away
He'd already pulled a great trick for the day!
Now Santa is hitched to the sleigh all day long
While reindeer assault him with titanic dongs
He never receives even one moment's lull
He'd cry out for help, but his mouth's always full!
The elves are now servants, all easily moved
They'll sub to just anyone, human or hooved
They're easy to train, and they're really quite fun
Why, after three fuckings, they don't even run!
And poor Mrs. Claus, well, she's up the creek
I understand she's birthing three fauns next week
She's stuffing her face with lots of Christmas food
To fuel her body for more reindeer brood.
Now Christmas is long past, let no one remember
That we ever did anything in December
While voices ring out in the North Pole each night,
"Merry Christmas to all, and god damn, you're tight!"
(Yes, I realize I'm totally going to hell for this. That's fine with me; all my friends will be there.)