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The Cohen Clover

Angie Mae & Anin D

copyright comidacomida 2023

Sunday started the same way it always did in all aspects outside of Angie Mae's head but, inside, her thoughts were still awash with apathy, anger, and no small amount of self loathing. She had been brought up to be strong and independent; she was stalwart and resilient... yet she didn't feel that way. She tried several times to reason her way through it; she had almost been raped, but she hadn't been. Angie Mae told herself multiple times as she sat on her bed that she needed to get past it; there was no reason to dwell on it. Unfortunately, for all the times logic had served her, in that one single instance, it did not.

At length Angie Mae managed to peel herself off her bed; she knew that she had a lot of work to accomplish in what few hours remained during the weekend but she found it hard to muster up the resolve and energy to follow through. Glancing at her data pad, the young woman saw that it was almost 10; she'd slept (or tried to sleep) for over 14 hours. Sighing, Angie Mae made her way out into the central room of their dorm and took in the faint scent of cooled breakfast.

Anin was in the kitchen, and peered around the corner to her. Whiskers perking slightly, the Ikali offered her a bright and pleasant greeting. "Good morning, Ammy... I hope you got lots of restful sleep. I already ate breakfast but I left yours on the table. I can warm it up for you if you like!"

She tried her hardest to match his energy, but it sounded indifferent at best even to her own ears. "Thanks. I can take care of it myself."

It was a poor first attempt at hiding the fact that everything was wrong, but she was a strong proponent of the 'try, try again' method. Angie Mae ate breakfast more by rote than by any real intention and, as she did so, Anin came to sit with her. Maintaining a respectful distance, he picked up on their planning discussions from the past few days, talking about how he was looking forward to showing her to everyone and tell them about how amazing Humans were. She nodded along for the most part, trying to pay attention, but constantly distracted by thoughts that wouldn't leave her alone.

By the time she had finished, Anin had excused himself to continue preparing for the trip; with only eight days to go it would no be long until they were on their way to yet another Earth for Angie Mae to explore... presuming that she could hold it together. She went through the motions of cleaning off her breakfast plate, constantly reminding herself to hold it together. By evening, she had managed to find the right mindset and was able to smile along with Anin's jokes and fake a laugh at his antics, all the time hating herself for having to be so disingenuous.

She wished Anin a good night a short while after dinner, explaining that she was really anxious about their last week in the lab, and exceedingly tired. Anin didn't make any indication that he didn't beleive her explanation; wishing her a good night, the Otter visibly stopped himself from offering her a hug. She was thankful that he was considerate of her in that way, but it made her all the angrier at herself; she should be able to hug her partner without any adverse reactions, so why was she so relieved that he didn't engage with her physically? She WANTED a hug from him-- wanted to be able to hug him. She wanted that... and more! Why couldn't her brain understand that?

The following day was thankfully occupied with work. The distraction helped Angie Mae fend off the darker thoughts that had plagued her since Saturday night, but she could still tell taht something was different. Anin was acting as upbeat and pleasant as always, as if nothing had happened, but she could tell that he hadn't forgotten her violent withdrawal from physical intimacy; even when he was close to her he was still a good distance away-- and he felt even further emotionally... or, she reasoned, perhaps that was just her.

Still, her 'fake-it-til-you-make-it' mentality serve her well in the lab and she made it through the entire day. Angie Mae was confident that she was just starting to have some success in beating back her frailty when, in a moment of distraction, the cuff of her lab coat caught a beaker and knocked it off the counter. The moment it shattered she burst into tears, and they wouldn't stop. Nathan was there in an instant, urging her into his office with soft words and comforting tones.

The moment she sat down in his spare chair he took a seat on the edge of the desk and offered her a facial tissue, which she accepted, but did not bother using. He was the first to speak. "I know my check-ins are usually reserved for Friday, but you really looked like you could use a quiet space to compose yourself, Ms. Kline."

She nodded, finally making use of the tissue if for no reason other than to avoid having to say much beyond a subdued "Thanks."

He remained where he was, seemingly relaxed and casual despite the situation. In true Nathan Cohen fashion, he even managed to offer a humorous perspective without it coming across as chiding. "Well... I would ask if something was wrong, but I suppose there is little point in that, now is there, my dear?"

She wiped at her eyes, sighing in frustration as she shook her head. "No.. it's-- it's stupid is all."

Leaning back on his desk, Nathan subtly gave her more room even as he balanced himself. "Well... I've always thought the best way to respond to 'stupid' is with emphatic laughter rather than scorn... is this something you would feel comfortable sharing, or would it help more if I decided to mind my own business... hmm?"

Sighing, she fought back fresh tears as she fought the inclination to withdraw coupled with the urge to tell him everything, combined with the reservation she sought with professionalism by divulging just the most topical, applicable complications as they related to work. "I'm just... dealing with... issues."

He nodded calmly. "Well... there's an old adage that suggests sharing a load can make it lighter... sometimes that works with troubles too, you know. Would you... perhaps... like to discuss what's troubling you?"

The words escaped her before she could censor herself. "I'm surprised Anin hasn't already talked to you about them."

Rather than reproach her for such a comment or recoil from the inadvertent hurt in the statement (she felt even worse after saying it), Nathan took his glasses off and began to wipe the lenses clean with a cloth. "As a matter of fact, I spoke with him during lunch. I asked him if everything was alright and he said it was. I asked him if there were any problems and he said that one of you would speak up if there was..." he paused, glancing between his glasses and her before sliding them back on. "...should I expect one of you to speak up, Angie Mae?"

There were parts of her that screamed that talking about the problem was a bad idea. Other portions of her mind suggested that speaking them aloud would make them real-- the best way to deal with nuclear problems was vitrification; better to just bury them down and build over them. She had been raised to 'suck it up' and keep moving-- excuses were what people had when they couldn't succeed so what she'd always been told she needed was to trust in herself and make success happen.

In that moment, however, gazing out of the office window into the lab, she caught sight of Anin, who was looking back at her, a worried expression on his face. The moment he saw she was watching him his entire demeanor turned to one of pure joy and he waved happily in her direction. The tiniest voice, long buried, somehow found its way to the surface. "I... would feel better if my partner were here for... what needs to be said."

Anin came into the office the moment Nathan called him. The Ikali was smiles and whisker-wiggles until the moment he caught sight of Angie Mae's fresh tears and he immediately went subdued. His first question made Angie Mae hate what she put him through even more. "Did... I do something wrong, Nate?"

Nathan, rather than taking charge of the discussion, simply walked around his desk and took a seat. He gestured to Angie Mae. "I'm not the one you should be asking."

Anin immediately turned back to her and took a seat in the second of two chairs in front of Nathan's desk. He started to reach for her hands with his paws but froze, returning them to his own knees. "If I did something wrong, Ammy, I--"

Not trusting her voice, she shook her head; it was enough to get him to fall quiet. Swallowing against the constriction in her throat several times, she took a moment to compose herself before she overrode every inclination in her mind to speak up. "No, Anin. You didn't do anything wrong... I did."

When neither research assistant spoke for several long moments, Nathan let out a breath and sat up straighter. "Anin... do you know what Angie Mae is talking about?"

The look that the Otter gave her indicated that Anin knew EXACTLY what she was talking about; she was incredibly surprised when he responded with "No."

Angie Mae was well aware that Anin was often confused by certain Human actions and reactions; he had trouble reading them because Ikali were so alien socially in so many ways and yet, in that moment, he had apparently decided to let her take the lead-- learning, or perhaps over-learning from their last argument. She loved and hated him for it. Taking another deep breath, she took the plunge, forcing herself through the countless voices in her mind pointing out that she was only asking for sympathy, an easy way out, and, most importantly: trouble. She ignored them. "Anin is fine, Nathan... I... I think that I might be the one that needs help."

Although not quite as easy to read as an Ikali, there was something genuine about Nathan Cohen that could only come from a man who wore his heart on his sleeve. His follow-up offer was earnest and supportive. "Are you SURE this is something you'd like to discuss with your partner here?"

Despite having been so against it when it was first discussed, she nodded. "It's something he needs to hear. We're partners, and that means taking the good with the bad."

Nathan nodded calmly, sitting back in his chair again. "Alright... would you like ME to leave then?"

Shaking her head, she no longer held off, and took the plunge. "It's about Jackson Robberts... about... him... trying to... to do things... to me."

The office was as silent as anywhere Angie Mae could remember having been; she was certain she could hear their individual breaths, and she definitely heard the squeak of Anin's chair as the Ikali leaned forward. She watched his paw approach her in slow motion, and was half relieved and half disappointed when it stopped a good distance from her arm--- and remained there, palm up. The faintest pinprick of light broke through the darkness with which she was wrestling, and she found herself able to reach out and take hold of it. His touch helped far more than she thought it would.

Taking a shaky breath, Angie Mae continued. "I'm-- it... I don't think I'm over it. I know it's been a long time ago, but... I just can't let it go. It makes me angry... and frustrated... mostly at myself. I WANT to get over it, but I... I can't."

Anin's muzzle bobbed up and down slowly and sympathetically. "I can tell it hurts a lot. I'm sorry you have to feel that, Ammy."

Nathan also spoke up. "I am many things, Ms. Kline, but a psychologist is not one of them. I recall hearing that you didn't take any real time off after 'the incident' and declined to speak with a psychologist."

She interjected quickly. "It was the end of the term and everyone was getting ready to transfer. I couldn't miss classes."

He offered a thoughtful nod. "Be that as it may, a professional might help you work through some of the feelings you're experiencing... presuming you're not against talking to someone who may be able to help in a clinical capacity."

Her eyes shifted between Nathan and Anin, then Human then Ikali, then sponsor then partner-- they settled on the Otter. "I want to continue being partners with Anin, Nathan... I don't want to do anything to compromise that."

Anin's happy churls were usually loud sounds, but the reaffirming, soft purr he released was gentler-- more comforting. He gave her hand the faintest of squeezes. "I would like to continue being partners too."

Finally glancing to Nathan, she firmed up her gaze, forcing her dedication and will to shine through her moment of weakness. "I don't want to risk our place on Riparian Earth, Nathan... no matter what."

Anin huffed. "Ammy... if I had to make a choice, I would stay here with you until they say you're able to go through the Gateway. You're WAY more important than helping start a new Unity Centre."

Before Angie Mae could start crying anew, Nathan quickly interjected. "It won't come to that, I assure you. Ms. Kline, I do encourage you to seek some help if you're willing-- although that is my recommendation, I also believe that you are more than capable of transferring to Riparian Earth. So long as you continue to indicate in word and deed that you are not a threat to yourself or others, there is no reason to hold you back."

Angie Mae felt immediately relieved-- a little, anyway. "Thank you, Nathan."

He offered a calm smile. "ALSO, I think that it may be helpful for you to have two sessions-- one for you alone, and one for you and Anin. I think it would be helpful for both of you as a partnership but also as a way to assist Anin with learning more about Humans... presuming you are both willing to consider it."

Anin didn't even hesitate. "If it'll help Ammy, I'll go to BOTH sessions."

Nathan chuckled, and Angie Mae, surprisingly, found herself joining him. Their supervisor waved away the offer. "No... I think one will be just fine. Let me make a few calls and, with your permission, I'll set something up."

Although she still felt the tightness in her chest and the darkness around her, Angie Mae could identify that there was a plan in place and, if nothing else, that helped her feel a little better-- almost as much as the gentle, reassuring paw holding her hand.

* * * * *

The field of mental health had long-since been de=stigmatized by the time Angie Mae had been born but her grandfather, the family's patriarch still didn't like the idea of it and so psychologists were not a service provider the Klines made use of. Sitting in the office of Dr. Durand, Angie Mae spent most of her first session with the therapist taking in the sights. Far different from a medical office, the room looked 'cozy', and far more approachable-- not unlike the doctor.

Dr Inez Durand, according to the research Angie-Mae had done on her, was a well regarded therapist within the Unity Programme. A native Frenchwoman, Dr. Durand came from the birthplace of the Programme and had apparently decided since she was in unviersity that she wanted to one day be involved with it. Although she didn't have what it took to work with multiple species, she was regarded as one of the best trauma informed clinicians on the whole of Station Zero.

When Angie Mae finally broke her silence, she pointed out just how inconvenient the timing for her session truly was. "We're trying to finish up a half dozen projects before we head through the Gateway... assuming you can clear me for travel, I guess."

Dr. Durand offered a warm smile; the faint hint of a French accent on her lips making her words come across as even softer. "I assure you that my position does not grant the authority to keep you from Riparian Earth unless I determine you are a threat to yourself or others. Do you feel like you may want to harm yourself or another Unity Programme staff member or student, Ms. Kline?"

The young woman just stared defiantly at the psychologist. Angie-Mae didn't want to start things off with an adversarial relationship, but she needed to make things clear, which she did so when she responded emphatically. "No! Of course not. I don't want to hurt anyone, and I'm not suffering from suicide ideation."

She had looked up the term after her talk with Dr. Cohen, presuming it would come up. Dr. Durand jotted something down briefly on her notebook (she, like Dr Cohen, seemed to like paper rather than data pads) before speaking up. "The self assessment form you completed indicated that you've been having some... strong feelings lately. Would you like to talk about how you feel right now?"

Angie Mae was perfectly willing to do so. "I feel a little uncomfortable... and vulnerable. Mostly, I feel guilty for not being in the lab.

The therapist smiled patiently. "That is a perfectly understandable emotion to have; you should never have to apologize for feeling what you feel. Acknowledging your feelings can be very healthy, so long as you can do so without letting them overwhelm you."

Angie Mae nodded. "And I think that's why I'm here."

Dr. Durand raised an eyebrow as she added more to her writing pad. "That's why you THINK you're here?" She sat up a little straighter in her seat. "These sessions are non-compulsory and purely off your record, Angie Mae. You are welcome to be open and honest and, if at any time you feel unable to continue you under no requirement to stay. Is there anything stopping you from saying with certainty that you know for CERTAIN why you're here?"

Sighing, Angie Mae figured the best way to proceed would be to just clench her teeth and tear off the bandage. "I turned down counseling after an event that happened a little while back, and now I'm wondering if that was a bad idea."

"Why?"

The single word question from the therapist left the discussion wide open, but the lack of structure made it harder for Angie Mae to consider her answer. "Because... I thought I was over it, but I found out recently that I may have been wrong."

"Oh? What led you to that conclusion?"

She wasn't making it easy. Fidgeting, Angie Mae provided the best response she could think of. "It's difficult to discuss when someone brings it up, and I've been reacting to things--" she paused, looking for the best way to explain it," --in ways I wish I hadn't."

Dr. Durand flipped open a file but paused when she saw Angie Mae tense up. The young woman knew the therapist would call her on the reaction, and she was right. "Is something wrong, Angie Mae?"

Although not precisely 'wrong', it was still a trigger, apparently. "You have my file."

The therapist nodded. "I need background if I am supposed to help develop a treatment plan in order to address your concerns... is that alright?"

Not having much of an option to state otherwise, Angie Mae nodded. "I guess."

Dr. Durand made a show of glancing through the file; Angie Mae presumed it was just an act since the therapist probably studied it before the session. "May I ask then, if I may: are your stressors most related to the situation surrounding your prior Phin partner Walker, or was it about Jackson Robberts?"

The one-two punch hit hard, even if Dr Durand hadn't meant to. Although she thought often enough about her first Phin partner, enough time had transpired that she was able to focus more on the positive time she had with Walker rather than his death. When she considered Jackson, however--- she shivered. "The second one."

Again, the therapist made a few more scribbles on her pad. "Would you like to talk about it then?"

Angie Mae's response came fast enough that she didn't even have to think about it. "Not really."

Having read up on psychological principles and the basics of trauma informed therapy, Angie Mae had a general understanding of how Dr, Durand would try to get her to calm down and encourage her to open up. Her therapist did not follow the playbook. "I was raped when I was fifteen... and again when I was seventeen. Different man each time. The second man tried again when I was eighteen, but he was stopped by my older brother."

Having no idea how to process what she had just heard, Angie Mae simply stared across at her psychologist. Several quiet moments passed until she finally found something to say. "My Phin partner, Roller stopped Jackson."

Dr. Durand nodded. "And... Jackson was your boyfriend at the time, yes?"

Angie Mae affirmed the question. "Yes."

That one word question to a casual question regarding her prior relationship to Jackson was like the opening of a floodgate in a dam; before she realized it, everything came pouring out. The young woman began talking about things she hadn't even realized had been on her mind-- anything and everything about Jackson Robberts that she had not wanted to think about. While many of her comments started out analytically and factually focused, but, before long, Dr. Durand's gentle questioning and requests for clarification had Angie Mae open up about how she felt. The young woman couldn't remember the last time when she'd discussed how events in her life made her feel, and, once she started, it was hard to stop.

Her therapist finally slowed the discussion after something Angie Mae had said. "Did you hear what you just said?"

Angie Mae, of course, had. "Yes. I said that I hated that he made me feel powerless."

Dr. Durand nodded. "You're used to being in control, aren't you?"

"You mean... like a control freak?"

Chuckling, Dr. Durand shook her head. "That would imply judgment, and I'm not judging, no. Angie Mae, wanting to have control is not always a bad thing. Some people work better within clearly explained parameters and tend to be uncomfortable when there is a power vacuum or undefined roles. That doesn't mean someone is a 'control freak'-- it just means they apprecaite predictability and clearly defined expectations."

Something about Dr Durand's statement rang true, but Angie Mae noticed her own perception also held an element of familiarity to it. "Anin... my new partner. He does everything I say. he always lets me take the lead, and everything he does always seems to be for me rather than himself."

Dr. Durand looked up from her notes. "Is that a bad thing?"

Rather than answer the question, Angie Mae pressed through her own thoughts. "He's amazing. And I can tell he cares. It feels like we keep getting closer, but, in the end, things keep getting... complicated."

"Complicated how?"

Addressing the Doctor's question, Angie Mae thought for a few moments as she tired to put it into words. "I'd like to be able to let him in. I know I can rely on him, but it's hard to trust, I guess. It feels like, every time I try there's this.... this spectre hanging over me making it all impossible."

The therapist in front of her set the note pad aside, gazing across the short distance at Angie Mae. "That is completely understandable, especially considering what you've gone through. You're certainly not wrong for feeling this way."

Scowling, Angie Mae fought back. "I don't want permission to feel this way. I want to FIX it."

Dr Durand's soft, gentle laugh was almost matronly and, despite it not feeling the least bit chiding, Angie Mae didn't like the response. The therapist responded "Mental health doesn't always work that way, Angie Mae. Recovery is an process-- this isn't mechanical work; you can't simply turn a few bolts and have a fixed engine."

Sighing, the young woman changed her approach. "Okay... then how long until I'm cured of this?"

The smile slowly faded on the doctor's lips. "Soon... later... perhaps never. Healing is different for everyone because everyone is different and sometimes, for some people, it is ongoing."

Although Angie Mae knew that psychologists didn't often answer personal questions, she also hadn't expected Dr. Durand to offer up her own past. "How long did it take you to heal from... you know?"

A fresh smile appeared, though it was a bitter sweet. "As I said... some traumas take a long time to heal... but that's why I do what I do-- I find that helping others also helps me."

Angie Mae didn't know what to expect when she went in for her first consult with a counselor, but she was surprised nevertheless by what she found. The two spoke candidly and honestly for the last twenty minutes of her session. Just as things were coming to a close, however, Angie Mae forced herself to ask the one question she'd been avoiding ever since Dr. Durand disclosed her own personal trauma. "How long was it for you? You know... until you could... be intimate with someone?"

Rather than answer the question directly, Dr. Durand responded in a more generalized manner. "As I said, Angie Mae: everyone is different. Some find it easier to move slowly, while others find exposure therapy to help more. I can provide some guidance but, for some things, you need to trust yourself. Remember: mindfuless means self-awareness, self-love, and self-forgiveness. Don't fault yourself for your traumas; understanding yourself and your triggers without judging yourself for them is the first step toward moving forward."

As their time came to a close, Angie Mae quietly considered the therapist's words closely. "I understand."

Dr. Durand followed up as Angie Mae headed for the door. "And remember: if you need time by yourself, take it-- if you feel better with others around, then seek them out."

In that moment, Angie Mae could only think about how she'd feel better if Anin where there. Heeding at least THAT piece of advice, the young woman went to find her partner.