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How does it feel when you know someone for almost your entire life just drops you like a brick? To be stabbed in the back because someone refuses to accept who you really are? My grandmother once told me that people are afraid of something they don't know. Afraid of something of which they cannot comprehend. Ignorant and narrow minded... After all, it is ignorance that makes them to refuse to even try and understand it. That was the case with Catherine when I finally told her something I've been living with for seven years... Something that always has been a part of me for as long as I know... Only a few people in my surroundings knew... But my grandmother knew I'm bi-sexual ever since I did... Simon was startled and surprised when I told him only several days ago... But they took it very well... Catherine, however, did not... She looked at me as if I had a highly infectious disease when I told her... Asked me why I made that choice... All I could do was to tell her that it never was a choice... That it always was a part of me... The stupidest excuses came by that was supposed to explain it why it was wrong for me to have feelings for other girls... It's not natural... But who the hell are we to decide what natural is...? I knew I didn't owe her any form of explanation... But nevertheless, I tried to which only made her ignorance grew... Trying to explain it to her felt like I was carrying buckets of water to the ocean... It was pointless... There was no point to explain her something that she simply just didn't understand... So I stayed quiet after that when she got mad at me... Simon backed me up but the two of them got into a fight the moment she heard Simon already knew... Catherine was mad at him for not telling her... Things were difficult enough for me as it was... And then she told me I wasn't her daughter anymore...

My grandmother was there for me when I needed her that evening... With the way everything was going, I felt so hurt and so fragile... Everything was just so surreal and I saw everything falling apart right in front of me... I was so upset with everything that happened that day and I cried my eyes out on my grandmother's shoulder... I knew I should've followed her advice... To take time to sort everything out for myself... But I trusted on my feelings instead... My feelings for her... So I went to her apartment to talk... Told her everything that happened while I was crying my eyes out once more... But instead of following my grandmother's advice to take time, I made a fatal mistake that would change everything... During that very emotional moment, I gave in to my feelings for her... And so did she... I didn't really know what happened that evening... I always thought you had to feel something special whenever you were cheating on someone... But I didn't... It didn't felt that I was cheating on Terry with his best friend... Perhaps that was the reason why I was able to do so... And I guess Nikki felt the same about it ...

'Are you comfortable...?' I nodded quickly as Nikki handed me another pillow. She had this weak little smile on her face as she sat on the couch. The fleece blanket she brought me was nice and warm... 'If you need anything, just let me know, okay...?' 'Okay...' 'Alright... Goodnight...' 'Goodnight, dushi...'

Even though she said goodnight, she didn't leave me... Her soft, tender hand caressed my cheek as her other hand gently went through my hair... Everything was just so fucked up and so surreal that evening... But being with her gave me much comfort... I sat upright and held her close... The scent of her coconut wax is so intoxicating... I can't tell you how I felt when I held her like that... There aren't any words for describing how she made me feel that evening... 'Thank you so much, Nic...' 'That's quite alright... Just close you're eyes and try to catch some sleep, okay...? Everything will be alright...' 'I know...'

Nikki gave me a weak smile and turned the table lamp on that was on the side table next to the couch. She gave me a kiss on my forehead and with that, she turned all the other lights off and made her way to her room. The door closed behind her and then there was nothing but silence...

I tried to catch some sleep but simply just couldn't... I felt restless and kept turning around on the couch as my mind was trying to process everything that happened that evening. I tried to keep my mind clear in an attempt to fall asleep but that simply just didn't work for me... Kept staring in blank space at the ceiling as my mind was spinning once more... All I could think of was that this was the most fucked up day in my life... I fucked up with Nikki, then I went to Terry to tell him I was bi-sexual, I choked up and wasn't able to tell him, then went home and came out to Catherine, who didn't take it very well, then went to my grandmother to cry my eyes out and then I went back to Nikki to talk about it and then we both gave into it... Just what the fuck was happening...? I didn't even know what I was doing... Everything was just so fucked up, I had no idea who I needed or what I needed anymore... And I've put Nikki in a very uncomfortable position... What choice did she had to make when she found a girl who has feelings for her as well...? Did she had to think of her best friend when she gave in to her feelings for me...? Yes, she did... We both knew of what we were doing at the time was a wrong thing to do to Terry but we just pretend as if nothing happened... As if we never had feelings for each other... As if we never kissed each other... It just happened... But the two of us couldn't do this to Terry, which is why we had to put everything on hold until everything got settled... I wanted to tell Terry the truth first... About my feelings for girls and about the mutual feelings for Nikki... I didn't know how I was gonna tell him... But I had to... The fact that I was gonna tell him soon made me feel good about it that evening... It never felt like I was cheating on him because I was intending to tell him... Nevertheless, having a so-called "cleared conscious" didn't help me getting any sleep...

I started to feel very tired yet I couldn't sleep... My eyes felt heavy and I had a terrible head ache... As if someone was banging the inside of your skull with a sledgehammer... So I got up and went to the bathroom to splash some water in my face... And even though I managed to pull myself together, I still looked like absolute shit... My eyes were still red from all the crying I did that evening... I kept looking at myself in the mirror, wondering what I had to do without fucking everything up... Truth was however, I didn't know anymore... On my way back to the living-room, I walked by Nikki's bedroom and saw that there was still light shining in her room from underneath the door... So I knocked quietly on her door and slowly opened it up after a moment... Nikki was upright in bed reading a book but looked up and closed her book the moment she saw me... 'What's wrong...?' 'I can't sleep...' 'Neither can I...' 'Can I stay with you tonight...?'

That question seemed to have startled her but then she quietly whispered that it was okay for me to do so... So I got next to her in bed... The thick sheets were nice and warm... Nikki placed her book on her nightstand while she still sat upright and kept looking at me while I stared right back at her... 'What were you reading...?' 'The Willow's Tears... It's a romance story...' 'Do romance stories always have a happy ending...?' 'Not always...' 'Heh...'

It stayed quiet for a moment when the two of us were just looking at each other... I already felt the butterflies in my stomach the moment she held my hand... And there was just something about the look in her eyes that made me realize that she's totally aware of everything that was happening in my head... 'I know how you feel, Ceylan... I feel just as confused about it as you do... And... I don't want to hurt Terry over this...' 'We both don't want him to get hurt...' 'Exactly and, well... I want to give in to it... I really do but it's just...' 'I know...' 'I can't tell you how it made me feel when we shared that kiss but... I, uh... I-I got really mixed feelings about it...' 'Me too... Does it feel wrong to you, Nic...?' 'My feelings for you...? No, they're not... Kissing my best friend's girlfriend...? Yes... Yes, that does feel wrong...' 'Heh...' 'Does it feel like you're being presented with a choice...?' 'It does... But I don't want to choose between you and Terry...' 'I know, Ceylan...' 'We should tell him everything... We owe that to him...' 'Yeah...'

Despite the fact that the two of us both agreed that we shouldn't go any further until we talked to Terry about it, Nikki lay down on the bed and made herself comfortable under the sheets while she was drawn closer to me... I placed an arm on her shoulder and gently scratched her fur... I didn't know what caused her to ask it... Jealousy perhaps...? Trying to claim the only girl who ever had feelings for her...? Things that look so innocent can have huge consequences... I saw that she was nervous... But so was I... Nikki quietly asked me if she could hold me... When I caressed her cheek, she closed her eyes... And all I could think of was how beautiful she really is... So I came closer to her instead... Placed my arms around her back and held her... Nikki hesitated to do the same... But once she did, I heard her sigh quietly... Then the whispers started...

She asked me all sorts of things... How I found out that I'm bi-sexual and how long I knew... All sorts of questions, even asked me why I got those piercings... I answered every question she had about me truthfully... But I also had questions for her... Asking her why she's so lonely... Surely there had to be someone else who had an eye on her... But I also asked her how she found out that she's lesbian... Nikki told me that she always had the feeling that she was born in the wrong body... Despite the fact that she likes a lot of things that guys in general do, she's still fairly ladylike... She's pretty much like a girly guy... And yet she was barely even noticed by other people... And at some point, I quietly asked her if she is happy with me... Nikki whispered to me that she knows I could make her happy... And how she wished she could do the same for me... Nikki had this look in her eyes that I never saw before... I couldn't place it... But the way she was looking at me is something I can't describe. It made me feel special... And the feeling only got stronger the moment she started to caress my hair gently... When I placed my head on her shoulders, she cuddled me once more... It was such a wonderful feeling to feel her arms clenched around me and it made me feel all warm, cosy and safe... I kissed her cheek... And when I stared in her eyes, I felt myself drifting away... I could just drown in those eyes of her... Her beautiful violet eyes... I placed her hand on her cheek and gently pressed my lips against hers... The tingles I felt in my stomach never stopped that night... The moment I kissed her, those feelings exploded all over my body... And we were making out with each other for a long time... But slowly, the tingles I started to feel changed into something different... I felt aroused... Then I realized I was caressing her thighs... And that's when she got startled... 'Whoa, hey... Stop, stop, stop... Let's not... L-Let's not rush things... O-Okay...? Uhm...' 'I'm sorry...' 'Well... I-I eh... M-Maybe w-we should wait...' 'Y-Yeah... Maybe we should...' 'I-I just don't want you to think th-that-' 'It's ok, Nic... I'm sorry...' 'Heh...'

It stayed quiet between the two of us once more... The only thing we heard was the rain ticking against the windows... I looked at Nikki as I gently caressed the back of her hand... She looked at me and I knew what she was thinking... In all these years, there was finally a girl who shared the same feelings for her... In all these years that she has been lonely, there was finally a girl who dared to give in to those feelings for her... The girlfriend of her best friend... I know that she was longing for the affection of a girl who shares the same feelings for her for so long... It made me realize that I wasn't the only one who had to make a choice... Nikki had to make a choice as well... To give in to her feelings and betray her best friend... Or to stay loyal to her best friend and betray her own feelings... It's a difficult spot I've placed her in and she knows it... Nikki has always put the need of others first instead of her own... That night, she gave in to her own needs instead for the very first time, despite those little voice in our heads... But I guess the feelings we have for each other was stronger than our sense of loyalty towards Terry... So the moment we looked at each other again, we didn't think of Terry anymore... And that'd how that little voice of reason in our heads was silenced... I remember I felt how her feet were rubbing over my legs... How wonderful it made me feel when we held each other so close... And I remember I felt the butterflies in my stomach the moment we kissed each other again... I felt the need for her affection... I longed for her... I wanted her... In every way imaginable... Especially that night...

I felt how my hands were drifting off to her stomach... She gasped quietly when I did and giggled nervously, whispering that I have cold hands while not knowing what I really wanted... Nikki let me but she hesitated to do the same once I placed her hands on my waist... And slowly moved them down to make her feel my stomach... The expression on her face was the cutest I've ever seen... So shy... So timid... So taken aback... Nikki didn't know whether to smile or not as she bit her lip... And then I asked her... I asked if she loved me... She was too overwhelmed to answer... Too startled... But the look in her eyes told me everything I needed to know... I kissed her shoulder... It's a rather sensitive spot... Slowly made my way to her neck and gave it a few nibbles... Hearing her gasp quietly when I did sent a tingle through my stomach... Nikki surrendered herself to me... And that's when my feelings for her couldn't be held back anymore... I got on top of her and looked at her for a moment... Looking in her eyes made me realize that even though Nikki and I are the total opposite of each other, we have a lot in common... And apparently, she thought the same. So I took her hand and placed it in mine... And I saw our differences... The palm of my hand and the underside of my fingers were white while the back of my hand was orange and had black stripes on them... As opposed to her brown hand... But despite those differences, we were one and the same... And realized I had more in common with her than I ever imagined... 'We're not so different, you and I...' I whispered quietly to her...

She was too overwhelmed to say anything... Nikki closed her eyes the moment I rubbed my muzzle against hers... She, of all people, should know that this is a very intimate sign of affection displayed by felines... So I took her hands... And made her feel my body... My thighs, my waste... My stomach, all the way up to my shoulders... The way she was touching me made me feel as if I was made out of porcelain... As if I could break in thousands of tiny little peaces... So gentle, she was... And then I quietly whispered to her... 'Undress me...'

I guided her hands down once more... Nikki hesitated at first but slowly pulled the t-shirt I was wearing up... I think the two of us felt very nervous at that point... But nevertheless, my hands reached to my back to undo my bra... I saw her expression the moment I took them off... It was the cutest thing I've ever seen... My breasts aren't exactly that impressive but Nikki couldn't help but to stare at them... Imagine the look on her face the moment I took her hands again and made them feel it... Feeling my erect nipples in the palm of her hands... As if her hands were made to fit... Her cheeks turned as red as her hair is the moment she felt them, making her hands squeeze them a little... My breasts are rather small compared to hers... But it didn't make a difference to her... Nikki didn't mind that they were... I made her feel my entire upper body... And once I got hold of the straps my panties, her eyes became even bigger... Especially when I took them off right in front of her... And that's when I made her feel my lower body... Guided one of her hands between my legs... I wished she would do a little more than just feeling it... But it was her first time... We didn't had to rush it...

Nikki wasn't wearing a bra underneath her top... Slowly I was reaching for them underneath her shirt... My hands were gently massaging her breasts as I could hear her breathing quietly... It turned into quiet little gasps the moment my fingertips were caressing her nipples... I wanted things to go perfect that night... To take all the time in the world... For her to take all the time to explore a woman's body for the first time in her life... But Nikki was too startled... All she did was placing her hands on my thighs while I did a lot more than that... The more I was feeling her, the more I longed for her... She looked surprised the moment I lifted her shirt and revealed her beautiful, curvy breasts... Her breasts are perfect... I helped her to get rid of her top... But Nikki seemed to be uncomfortable the moment she was half naked in my presence... I felt her heart pounding in her chest when I placed my hands there... She bit her upper lip and yet something in her eyes told me she wanted this more than anything in the world... I knew she was very nervous... I knew she had a lot of hesitation to give in to it... But all the more reason for me to take her doubts away... Playing with a girl's breasts never felt so exciting... So intense... I heard her gasp irregularly when I let my tongue do all the work... I've always loved it whenever someone was playing with my nipples... The look on Nikki's face made me think that she loved it too... My fingertips were caressing her stomach as I did... It's very simple to do... But do it right and you can drive a girl wild... One hand already went down to caress her panties... Gently rubbing up and down between her legs as I kept paying attention to her upper body, giving her a kiss every once in a while... Her panties became a little wet... I shouldn't have teased her like that... And that's when my hand went inside her panties, simply just feeling around... Her pussy lips were fat, just like mine... Another thing we have in common... Her slit felt so warm and juicy the moment I was rubbing between her lips... Kissing her neck made her gasp quietly... I wanted to do everything with her... Everything I missed for so long... So I gently pulled her panties down... Her pussy was shimmering in the light the moment I spread her lips... Gently prodding her with my fingers... She had the tightest little hole I've ever felt in my life... It took a few tries... But then my finger just slipped inside of her... Going a little deeper every time I got inside of her again... Every once in a while, I looked up and saw that Nikki had her eyes closed while she clenched on her breasts... Her breathing became faster... My fingers couldn't go any deeper at some point... Making that "c'mere" gesture with my fingers made her twitch... Feeling a tiny little spot that felt like a sponge... Making little circles around it... With my fingers still inside of her, I kissed her thighs and slowly went to the other side, deliberately skipping the delicate parts between her legs... The moment I slowly pulled my fingers out of her, I felt how wet she was... I saw how she curled her toes every now and then whenever I touched her... I wasn't able to hold back any longer... All of my knowledge and all of my experience were put to use that night... It's all about building up the tension... Not just for her but for me as well... I kissed her thighs again and slowly went to the other, skipping her delicate parts again... And all this time, I've been feeling something I haven't felt in quite a long time... Feeling aroused, yet different... I can't explain it... It felt so intense the moment I pressed my lips against her pussy lips... I can't tell you how much I've missed that... The taste of a woman is something you'll never forget... With just one hand, I spread her lips while my other hand went down between my legs... Pressing my tongue between her lips, slowly making my way up... It caused her to moan quietly every once in a while... Hearing Nikki moan was the cutest moan I've ever heard... It sounded so sincere... So fragile and so intense... I couldn't get enough of it... I placed her legs over my shoulders and spread them a little, which gave me more room to do my thing... Variation is also important when you do this... Sucking her clitoris, kissing it, licking it... I loved it... So I had no reason to rush it... I could take all the time in the world to enjoy it... All the signs were there... Tummy muscles twitching, curling her toes, a warm pussy... Not to mention the look on her face and her moans... She was close to having one... And every time I thought she was about to reach her climax, I stopped... An unbearable tease perhaps but I wasn't done with her just yet... I didn't want to give her the satisfaction and kept tasting her after every short break...

It's called tribanism... It's like scissoring each other except it's in the missionary position... The first time our wet pussies touched each other is something I'll never forget... Remembering the way she was looking at me when it happened... Kissing her neck while whispering sweet little words in her ear... I got carried away in ecstasy, feeling such intense pleasure when I was making love to her that night for the first time... Nikki was the only one who was on my mind that night... For so long I longed to be with her... And now, I finally was... To me, it felt like a liberation... I didn't had to pretend to be someone I wasn't... Not in her presence... So I made love to her the only way I knew... Caring, sweet and gentle... The only way I ever wanted it to be... I felt how her hands clenched on my back, firmly gripping it with each gentle thrust of my pelvic... Nikki's not a loud moaner... On the contrary, she's rather quiet... It almost sounded as if she was crying... Fast breathing with a little squeak of pleasure every once in a while... Slowly building it up... There was no need to rush... I could go on all night... Variation is important when it comes to this... Went a little slower and a little faster every once in a while as long as I kept the pace... Kept whispering in her ear how much I longed for her... Letting her know how much I enjoyed being with her... How much it meant to me... It didn't take long after that... I know how it feels... And I just wished I could've felt the same that night when she held on to me... Her fingers gripped my back and she gasped for air the moment it happened... I felt her squirting between my legs... I really had to catch my breath after that... But after a short break, I positioned myself at the end of her bed and buried my head between her legs again... I've missed the taste of a girl so much that I almost forgot what it was like... So I took all the time in the world to taste her... And I never tasted a girl as sweet as Nikki... I guess her love for strawberries and pineapple juice caused her to taste so sweet... You literally are what you eat... It caused her to reach another climax after a while...

My body felt tingly and sensitive afterwards when we were cuddling each other when we were too tired to keep up... Fondling each other... Even after she fell asleep, I kept caressing her hair... Kept fondling her... I couldn't help myself to keep touching her... I closed my eyes as I smelled her coconut wax she uses in her hair... After all the shit that happened, Nikki couldn't have made me more happy... That night was one of the most erotic, most sensual and most passionate night of my life... No one has ever satisfied me like Nikki did that night... Not even Terry was able to, simply because of the fact that he's not a girl... It made me realize it's not about the quality of the sex or how experienced someone is when it comes to it... It's about the person you're making love to who makes you feel that way... I remember I once told Terry that you don't love someone because they are beautiful but they're beautiful because you love them... And perhaps it's the same for sex... You don't enjoy sex because it feels good but you enjoy it because you're together with someone you love the most... All the shit that happened came to this one little moment we had together... And it was all worth it... But the moment I turned the lights off, I kept staring in blank space while I held on to Nikki... As the room was surrounded in darkness, it made me think about Terry... About what happened... And at some point, only one thought was going through my mind... "What have I done...?"