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Shapeshifting For Dummies. A rather straightforward title to a complicated book. And I, a teenaged stablehand from Nebraska was going to unlock its secrets. I could still hardly believe that the contents were serious, but my friend, Axel, swore by it. Even so, obviously, I'd been doubtful, but when he texted me videos of himself in the process of transforming, I'd been convinced. Sure, it could have been some amazing, frame-by-frame photoshop thing, but that was way beyond Axel's sixteen-year-old art skills. The French Canadian didn't have the money for such an elaborate hoax.

Step 1: Shapeshifting is a lost art that requires care and precision. Please read all directions to prepare yourself for the process. Note that these spells are in no way satanic, evil, demonic, or magical. Rather, they tap into a little known and less understood fundamental nature of the universe. We, the authors, don't even understand them! With these 12 simple steps, you will be shifting into and out of various forms faster than you can say transmogrification! For your first transformation we will guide you through the simplest process: assuming the form of a mammal (well, the simplest process is transforming from yourself into yourself - Step 1: You're done!).

Gather your ingredients:

1 Lotus Blossom

1 10 oz. bag of chocolate chips*

1 Living Specimen of the animal desired

1 Restraint for said animal, particularly if animal possesses large teeth

1 Sample of hair for each transformation

1 Chalk

0 Fears or inhibitions

*chocolate chips are optional

Well, no surprise that I'd never heard of anyone shapeshifting with this book before Axel. He must be the first person crazy enough to try this! The book was clearly written as a joke - still, Axel's video was amazing. Before my eyes, he changed into a cat and back. I already had the ingredients with me, though I'd neglected to bring chocolate chips. All I needed was a sample of Champion's hair. I walked over to his stall, grabbing the brush hanging on his door. Dark brown fur matted the brush, and I plucked some out from the bristles.

Step 2: With chalk, draw three foot diameter circle on a flat surface (we recommend the ground). Some people like to spice their circles up with upside-down five-pointed stars; results may vary. Beatniks may want to use a 'peace sign'. Really, whatever shape you want, as long as it encloses a space is fine, so even if you have the motor skills of a 3-year-old, you can't screw this up. (Disclaimer: this procedure not intended for 3-year-olds). Place the lotus blossom as near to the center of your oblong, lop-sided blob as possible. Just above and below the flower, place all hair.

I cleared away the hay, leaving the barn's old floorboards free of dust for the first time in weeks. With the thick chalk, I drew a big circle...or as close to a circle as I could manage. I didn't bother adding any other flourishes. Gently, I placed the flower in the middle, turning back to the open book laying on the floor nearby. Place hair above and below... I split the sample from the brush into two equal piles, and placed them as directed.

Step 3: Restrain your specimen within view. Five, ten, twenty feet, as long as it can watch in bemusement when you finally begin to change shapes. Actually, you can tie it up looking away, if you're particularly modest. Just make sure you can see the animal and it can't gore you to death. Possible Side Effects include: goring, mauling, disemboweling, butt-sniffing (for canines), and extreme embarrassment.

Champion was a spectacular stallion, and the most common horse we set out to stud. But he was also one of the most docile horses I'd ever met. I wasn't particularly worried that he'd hurt me, even when I became a stallion, myself. Still, I led the beautiful horse out of his stall, ten feet from the spell-circle, and tossed his reins around a post, for good measure. He seemed a lot more antsy than usual, tossing his head and flaring his nostrils. He wasn't used to being handled after dark, maybe it had spooked him. I glanced toward the main barn doors, double-checking to make sure the coast was clear.

It was midnight, and the front doors were wide open, leading to the horse pens. I'd personally seen to it that each of the enclosures was barely latched, so that even as a stallion, I could simply push the handle upward and enter the pens where the mares waited. I knew each and every mare that was in heat, and I'd have all night alone with them. After watching Champion and the other stallions breed filly after filly from the sidelines, it was only fair that I'd get a turn. For a moment, I considered reading ahead in the book to see if it said anything about whether I could get the mares with foal or not. But that would just waste time.

I was ready.

Step 4: Remove your clothes. Or don't, but don't come crying to me if you turn into a rat and suffocate beneath your cardigan, or if you grow into a horse and ruin your favorite blouse. If you're just so embarrassed to be naked that you can't remove your clothes...why are you trying to transform into an animal? Believe me, you won't be very inconspicuous, peeping in on the girls bathroom if you're a cat wearing a tiny shirt and pants. (Though you would be adorable.) Just get naked. Trust me.

Oh, I fully intended to be naked. I quickly tossed my clothes in the corner, stepping nude into the chilly air. Champion snorted, his warm breath a gray fog. I shivered, but I wouldn't be cold for long. Soon I'd have a nice, shaggy, winter coat all of my own. I could hear the mares nickering outside, waiting for me.

Step 5: Only two more steps left! I know, we said there'd be 12 steps, but that was just a joke. Get it? 'Twelve-step program'? Turns out, it is easier to shapechange than it is to quit drinking! So easy, even a caveman could do it, assuming he had access to lotus blossoms. Not to mention chocolate chips.

Now, where were we. Oh right! Step 5: Stand inside the circle, say "Veni Vidi Vici" or some other Latin phrase, mostly for the aesthetic, then pluck a petal from the lotus blossom. Enjoy your transformation! Or don't; it's not my problem.

This was it. The moment of truth. I was trembling; what if it was all just a hoax? It couldn't be. I'd had no luck with girls my own age, this was my first real chance to finally 'get some'. Every time I'd gone a date with a girl, they'd freak out when I tried to have sex with them. I've never even been on a second date! I'd always admired horses, and who didn't want to be hung like Champion? Maybe after I'd sampled the mares, I'd feel less awkward around women.

Taking a deep breath, and a loud gulp, I reached down and plucked a petal.

The change began immediately, and progressed quickly. I could only watch, mouth gaping, as my body began to shift and grow. My nose shot out from my face, jaw and lips stretching out and swelling, until (while I was still gaping) my face was a perfect match for Champion's.

Yes! It's working!

I hunched over and my aching legs gave way, causing me to spill over onto my side. I watched my toes harden to hooves, foot getting longer and longer, thighs filling out with rippling muscles. I was pretty thin before, but my belly inflated into a round, full barrel. My deep breaths made my chest rise and fall almost half-a-foot!

Even as my arms began to reform, fingers hardening, golden brown fur spilled over every surface of my body. My nose and mouth spurted dark black fur, as well as black socks on all four of my legs. Wait, that's odd. Champion has white fur on his face and legs. Oh well, it didn't really matter. The very last, most important transformation was about to take place, and I didn't want to miss it for anything.

I lay on my side, gazing down between my legs. Sure enough, the changes were finally taking place as the fur reached my penis. Almost instantly, the surface of my cock turned a glossy black, growing slightly wider and sinking back further between my legs. At the same time, my lightly-haired testicles began to grow - wait, shrink. That's not right.

My look of pleasant shock turned to one of horror as I watched. My balls shrunk, pulling closer and closer to my body, even as my penis seemed to split right down the middle. Oh god, oh god...what's happening!? Right in front of my disappearing manhood, twin bulges appeared in my abdomen. My new balls, I hoped? But seconds later, each had swollen into a hefty teat. A mare's udder. A mare's pussy.

I was a mare.

Frantically, I glanced around the barn, and noticed for the first time that one of the stalls which should have been empty was full. Right next to Champion, Ella tossed her head. Mary-anne's favorite mare had similar golden-brown fur, with black hair at the extremities, and Mary-anne always made sure to brush Ella rigorously. She must have used Champion's brush!

The transformation was complete, but no worries. I just had to change back and make sure I got the right hair next time. I spun to my feet, standing shakily on four legs. What a bizarre experience! Still, my muscles were easily strong enough to lift my heavy weight up into the air, legs automatically adjusting to balance me as I stood.

Looking down, the chalk outline had been smudged, and the lotus blossom crushed beneath my weight when I fell. I might need to get another flower, but now that I knew the spell actually worked, I could be patient. The mares in heat would still be there in a week. I glanced over at the book. Putting one hoof in front of the other, I made it over to Shapeshifting For Dummies. Fuck, I needed to turn the page. I pawed carefully at the book, but without fingers, I was definitely not cut out for reading books!

I'd get it soon enough. I'd almost managed the page turn twice, by breathing on the pages and trying to sneak the edge of my hoof under the fluttering pages. Just a little bit longer...

Something warm and wet pushed up beneath my tail. I nearly whinnied in surprise, tossing my head to look over my shoulder. Champion. He'd managed to break his leash free from the post, and was standing right behind me, sniffing my butt! I thought only dogs did that!

Of course, a second later I realized what was really happening. I'd seen it enough times. He was courting me! Suddenly I realized that Ella was in heat. No wonder Champion had seemed so riled up, trapped just a stall away from Ella! Sure enough, his long, dangling cock was half-swollen, flopping around eagerly beneath his belly. And...if Ella was in heat...maybe I was, too?

Oh no, I wasn't about to let anything like that happen. Sure I wanted to fuck some horses, but not like this. I flicked my tail across Champion's face, but he snorted, shook his head, and nipped my butt! I whinnied in surprise, stepping forward, but he followed and bit me again. "Hey, stop!" I grunted, but the only sound that came out was a low-pitched snort.

He didn't stop. He kept closing his flat teeth around my sensitive rump, making me move forward in fits and starts, until a few seconds later, I reached the wall of the barn with nowhere else to go. Okay, that's it! Snorting, I stamped my back-left foot, lifting it ominously for a kick. Champion backed off immediately.

"That's right," I nickered wordlessly at him, my black mane spilling down the side of my long, thick neck. Now he knew who was boss! Tossing my head and laying my ears flat, I snorted one more time for good measure, then I spread my hind legs, lifted my tail, and let loose a stream of steaming urine.

Wait, why was I doing that? I couldn't stop myself once I'd started though - my bladder must have been full to bursting! A waterfall fell between my legs, and it felt so good, I didn't even notice Champion walking up behind me and getting a good sniff of the pungent aroma. He flared his nostrils, taking deep, huffing breaths, curling his upper lip.

Mincing nervously, I lifted my back foot again, warning the stallion away, but before I knew it, he jumped, resting his muscular chest on my back. I tried to kick, but hit nothing but air; I didn't really want to hurt Champion, but what choice did I have? I swivelled my hips, and he slid off of me, but just as quickly, he jumped again. This time he mounted me all wrong, from the side. His floppy erection slapped against my ribs as he whinnied, searching futilely for his target.

God, he was so insistent! What was I going to do? I needed to read the book, but there was no way I could do that with a randy stallion trying to hump me! I needed to distract him with other - I mean - with real mares. Ella's stall was latched too well, but if I could draw him outside, I could open the pens, leaving Champion with a veritable smorgasbord of ripe, ready fillies.

I spun away from him, forcing him back onto all fours as I trotted toward the barn doors. The book still lay open on the ground, next to a squashed flower and the all but the faintest outline of a circle. The chalk must have rolled somewhere, because I couldn't see it. Oh well, I could always buy more chalk.

Whoops! My front left leg landed right on the chalk, hidden in the hay, slipping out from under me. I lost my footing for a moment, landing heavily on my elbow. Ow! My face was just a few feet from the floor boards. I was kneeling, sort of, my hind legs still straight like pegs, keeping my wide rump up in the air. I took a wobbly step with my front leg, trying to lift myself back up, when -

A heavy weight landed on my back. This time, Champion was right on, his belly angled square with my hips. Two, sturdy front legs grasped my barrel. Eyes wide, I felt as he started to hump.

Florp!

He missed by a mile, his thick dick smacking against my thighs. Desperately, I lifted a back leg to kick at him, but I couldn't do it. Not kneeling like this with his weight bearing down on me; I needed both back legs planted. Champion thrust again, aiming too low and slapping beneath me. He was getting closer, though, his aim straight on, gliding right between my two teats. I didn't have much time!

I scrambled to my feet, trying to get my front legs back into the equation, but it was harder than I expected. To lift myself up the rest of the way, I planted my hind legs apart, bracing them against the floorboards, and raised my tail. Now, finally, I was able to lift myself onto all fours.

Wait, why did I raise my tail?

Squelch!

I dropped my jaw, ears flat as the sound of Champion's triumphant whinny echoed throughout the barn. But that wasn't why my eyes were wide. The third time was the charm, as Champion shoved his fat cock deep inside me. He was huge! My pussy spread around him, straining to contain his monstrous dick. But my eyes bulged because I suddenly realized exactly what was happening.

Champion was fucking me. I was losing my virginity to a stallion; that first time that you can never take back. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! My face burned in humiliation as Champion claimed me like the horny filly in heat that I was. I would never be able to forget that just before this happened, I'd raised my tail for him. Somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I'd wanted this! He leaned forward, clenching his teeth down around the back of my neck, making me snort in pain, before he rolled his hips against me, pulling out just a few inches before digging himself even deeper.

I planted my front legs, holding my ground as he drilled me, filling me with wet, squishing sounds. The brilliant, golden-brown stallion kept pumping, and to my dismay, I started pushing back against him, rocking my rump up and down as I clenched the immense cock that seemed to be splitting me in two. I dropped my jaw and squealed.

Deeper and deeper he pushed, until his hot, sweaty hips were flush with my rump, his dangling orbs swinging against me. How long could he last? A dozen thrusts? Then his cock would flare, he would flag his tail, and those huge balls would begin churning as he filled my womb - my fertile womb - like a firehose. And there was nothing I could do - nor wanted to do - to stop it.

Just the thought of what was about to happen sent convulsions down my entire body. I flattened my ears again, tossing my head back and dropping my jaw for a loud, echoing whinny. I pushed back so hard that his swinging balls slapped against my fat teats, as I squeezed down around every inch of his embedded shaft, moaning.

He leapt one last time, grinding his flaring head against my innermost walls. His tip swelled, stretching me painfully wide as he formed a tight, wet seal inside of me. My pussy lips were stretched only four or five inches wide, nothing compared to the feel of his swollen tip. I shivered and moaned, waiting for the inevitable.

Glug, glug, glug! Champion exploded inside of me, squealing in utter domination. Hot, bubbling cum splattered against my cervix, trapped and forced by the growing pressure to flood into my uterus in large, wet splurts. He came endlessly into my shuddering cunt, not letting a single drop escape my warm, waiting womb. I tossed my head, all four knees wobbling and weak, whimpering as I eagerly submitted to his will.

Then, he was finished with me. Without a second glance, Champion backed off of me, pulling his fat, flared cock out of me. He dragged with him a gallon of his seed, spilling out of me onto the floor. I trembled as his semen soiled my backside, looking over my shoulder to see that he'd lost even the slightest interest in me. He'd gotten what he'd needed.

My face was on fire. I couldn't lie...that experience had been amazing. I shifted my feet, feeling the warm pool inside of me sloshing around. Could he actually get me pregnant? With my recent luck, I probably couldn't transform back to normal while I was with foal.

Panting, I gazed back at the book on the floor. All I needed was step six, and I could pretend this had never happened. I could come back in a week, and breed a dozen mares, pinning their helpless, eager bodies beneath me. Yes, a dozen...that should make up for tonight's, humiliating (if satisfying) submission.

Now that Champion was leaving me alone, I was able to turn the page in what seemed like no time. I breathed a sigh of relief, and read.

Step 6: You will remain transformed until you choose to shift back. Don't worry, changing back is much simpler. Just touch the sample of your human hair and think about your normal self.

That was all there was on this page. Sample of my human hair? That wasn't on the ingredients list! But I...I didn't have that! This couldn't be all. Frantically, I exhaled onto the book, and managed to turn the page on the first try. Oh, thank god, there was more.

Step 6, Cont'd: Don't have a hair sample? Then you skipped the most important part of Step 1! "Please read all directions to prepare yourself for the process." What kind of stupid, lazy idiot are you? Don't you think that before you transform, you'd better make sure you know how to change back!? We, the authors, bear no responsibility for your foolishness. You'd better hope someone connects the sudden appearance of a strange animal to this book and can find a sample of your hair.

You, my friend, are the dummy in Shapeshifting For Dummies.

Now, if you are one of the few who read ahead, congratulations on completing your first, two-way transformation! Read ahead for even more spectacular spells. Have you ever wanted to be a toaster?

Oh...

My...

God.

I waited there, standing above the book, hoping to convince Mary-anne that I was me. Maybe she'd read the book and understand. I'm sure I have some hair in my shower. All she had to do was bring it, and I'd be okay. Right?

I felt a nervous pit in my stomach that just wouldn't go away. No, it had to work. I'd told no one, not even Axel, what I was planning to do. Axel lived 700 miles away, and he didn't even know where in Nebraska I lived! It was Mary-anne or nothing, and I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life as a mare!

Finally, after at least an hour of waiting, Champion interrupted my confused daze. The horny stallion was back, nipping at my rump. I swear, I almost kicked him straight in the face. But no, he didn't deserve that. He was just doing what came naturally to him.

That's not to say I was going to submit to him again!

Scanning the ground, I avoided the chalk this time, trotting outside to the pens of needy mares. I could pretty easily trap him in with them, and then I could wait for Mary-anne in peace. Sure enough, he followed doggedly, upper lip curled.

I was too quick for him this time, reaching the gate I'd left half-latched. I stuck my nose under the handle and lifted up, sending the gate swinging inward with a creak to the waiting mares. There were two in this pen, both in heat. Champion would have little to complain about.

I trotted inside, the lovestruck stallion following like a lost puppy. I spun around, heading for the gate, nickering at how easy it had been. If only I hadn't slipped on the chalk!

Champion flagged his tail, snorting at me. His tail slapped against the gate. The gate began swinging slowly closed.

Wait, wait, wait! I kicked up to a gallup, racing for the gate as it built momentum. I reached it just in time!

For it to close, latching with a final ka-clunk!

I was trapped. The walls were too high to jump, and the book, the key to my survival, was lying stupidly on the hay-covered floor of the barn. Could this day get any worse!?

A heavy weight landed on my back, sharp, flat teeth digging into my neck.

Yes...it could.

* * * * *

I panted on the floor, utterly exhausted. I watched, proudly, as the stable boy who'd replaced me wiped down my beautiful, brown foal...a colt! I could hardly believe that such a large thing had been growing inside of me. I felt a hundred pounds lighter. His markings were white, like his sire.

Shapeshifting For Dummies was gone. Mary-anne had taken it home. No, Mary-anne hadn't connected the strange book, surprising appearance of a horse that looked suspiciously like Ella, and my disappearance as stablehand. She was never all that smart, herself. By now, I knew that the my landlord had surely sold the place, and cleaned out every last trace of hair. That...phase...of my life was over.

I finally managed to stand, sniffing and licking my newborn foal. My tantalizing, full udders seemed to call to him, and he clambered shakily onto his feet. Ow! His flat teeth dug into my udders, drawing the warm, nourishing milk into his mouth and down his throat. He would grow strong and powerful, like his father. I nickered softly to him, beaming with pride.

Now, I may be a dummy, but this was the best stupidest mistake I ever made.