Recovery, Step Two
#2 of Recovery
So, due to the overwhelmingly positive response, I'll be continuing...a few weeks after the fact. Whoops. Sorry, I write at a snail's pace, that's the first thing you need to know about me. Just warning you that this chapter... is not as good as the first in my humble opinion. I think I retread a lot of old ground here, but I do think it's important to the overall arc of the story I have in mind. I'm still learning, so remember to let me know if I do something suspect so I can do better next time.
Recovery, Step Two - by Koryn
I knocked on the door to your dormroom softly. The door creaked open, revealing the lanky puma from three nights previously, my memories of when he last opened that door rushed to my mind and brought a tinge of red beneath his black fur. I smiled in order to heal the possible tension he might be feeling.
During the morning after your suicide attempt, I had... panicked to say the very least. I woke up, put on a tank top and some jeans, walking out my bedroom to find the couch vacant with the exception of a neatly folded blanket and fluffed up pillow. Needless to say, I freaked out. I was partially angry. Honestly, Chris, I want to wring your little neck for scaring me so badly. However, my overwhelming fear was preventing me from doing so. The images I was seeing in my head of you plastered at the bottom of a very tall building, on your way down from the high point of a bridge or even cutting yourself again almost gave me a heart attack. The anxiety quadrupled when you didn't answer your phone.
I stormed out of my apartment and catapulted myself into my car. I was so panicked, I accidentally got in the passenger seat first. Once I was in the correct seat and in gear, I drove out of the parking lot, making sure to drive at double whatever the speed limit was. I didn't have to check many of your usual places. Your dorm (to which you hadn't returned to) and the restaurant where you worked. My fears were put to rest the moment I barged through the double doors of the restaurant, the scent of fancy spices and sizzling grills bombarded my nostrils. Not ten feet away, I saw you, a very dapper tiger wearing the fancy uniform. The pressed black button shirt clashed with the white apron that covered the black dress pants you wore. Your steel toed boots clicked against the floor as you walked towards the next table you were to serve, not having noticed me yet. I groaned in relief, leaning against the nearest wall as my heartbeat stilled.
The untrained eye would have seen a miraculous transformation after the previous night. I couldn't hear you talk to the customers in the booth over the bustle of the restaurant, but I did see you laughing with an uproar. Someone must have told a joke (probably you) because I could see the outline of the furs behind the translucent partition having a good chuckle as well. The untrained eye would see this as a breakthrough. I did not.
Over the years, I've been able to tell when you're in "acting mode". Usually, it's when you're showing any emotion at all, but just to make sure, I check what your tail is doing. If it's coiling instinctually around your right leg, then you're acting. It's a habit you've developed that I didn't think you noticed yet. And if your tail was wrapping itself around your leg any tighter at that moment, I think it would cut off your circulation.
After you wrote down your orders for said table, you turned and dropped your smile upon seeing me. You waved at me, freezing on the spot as your tail relaxed. I smiled and rushed over, not caring at all about the embarrassment you might be feeling when I hugged you in public. Sorry about that, by the way, I was just relieved beyond belief.
"Vic... I don't mean to be rude," you said as I squeezed your bones to the breaking point. "But... I got orders to fill."
"Yeah... sure," I replied reluctantly, giving you one last selfish squeeze before releasing you. "But call me when you're done. Okay?"
"Okay."
I couldn't sit around and wait for you to finish work. I tried for the first five minutes, just staring at my cell in the car. I had a problem, I admit it. I was obsessed with you, I'm sure. Hopefully, it was a healthy obsession, because if it wasn't then I must sound totally creepy. I'm sorry if that's the case Chris. You just mean too much to me.
So, to distract myself, I decided to see if I could inform your roommate of your situation so he wouldn't do anything stupid like make you feel even worse. I thought it might be awkward to show up in person, so I instead called your college and had them direct me to the phone in your dorm. The voice of the puma picked up rather quickly.
"Yeah?" I don't know who sounded more depressed at that time. You or that puma. I guess the night with his special female friend didn't go very well.
"Hey there. You're Chris' roommate, right?"
"Uh... yeah. Haven't seen him since yesterday. I can give you his cell number if-"
"Nah, actually I wanted to talk to you."
And so I explained the situation to him. I didn't tell him about the issues concerning your parents or why you were depressed. All I told him was about the act of the attempted suicide and that it was caused by an overbearing depression. When he asked why you did it, I said there were a lot of reasons, the only one I explained would be about the breakup with Mark. The other reasons were personal and I told him so.
"Okay... thanks for letting me know, bro." Rob, as I learned his name was, said with a lot more sympathy than he had mere hours earlier. "Man, and I shooed him out last night. That was a dick move from me. Don't worry, I'll make sure it doesn't happen again until he's puking sunshine and rainbows."
Weird metaphor, but it worked.
Cut to two days later. Rob was standing in front of me with the door to the apartment wide open and an awkward expression plastered across his face.
"Hey, Rob," I said, hoping to lighten his mood with small talk. "How's it goin'?"
"I'm good." Rob said quickly and defensively before turning his head to the left and raising his voice. "Chris, Victor's here for you!"
Fortunately for Rob, you were at the door in seconds, pulling your black jacket over your shoulders. I grinned at you and you stared vacantly at me. Not that I expected anything else from that adorable face of yours.
"Hey Chris, wassup?" I asked as I pulled you by the shoulders (drawing another startled jump from you) and bringing you into one of my hugs. You didn't hug back but I didn't care. To be honest Chris, I was being sixty percent selfish here. You needed to know I cared, but I think I wanted you in my arms more.
"So, where did you want to take me, exactly?" You asked as soon as I let you go, no indication as to whether that affected you or not.
"Someplace you'll like. I promise."
"Vic..."
"I know what you're gonna say. It's fine. Don't worry about it."
"Vic, seriously-"
"Chris, just be selfish for once. Please."
"You're crushing my shoulders Vic."
"Oh..." My face went hot fuschia as I realized how tight a grip I had on your shoulders. I let go, my stomach dropping into my feet. "Uh... sorry."
"That's okay," you replied meekly. I sighed.
Once I had you in my car and out on the road, you seemed to lighten up a bit. Your head was hanging slightly higher and I was able to see the slightest hint of a smile curving your lips. That happiness, no matter how miniscule, gave me my own slice of enjoyment.
"So," you began, not letting those high spirits enter your voice, "where are we going?"
"Full day out."
"Huh?"
"First on the agenda, I got two tickets to the Canucks game. Then we're heading to see if that new steakhouse is any good. And we'll wrap it all up with front row seats for Skyfall."
"Vic..." You were clearly shocked at this plan. I felt your eyes on me and I could just see you in my mind's eye as I kept my real eyes on the road. I imagined you shifting uncomfortably in your seat, face blushing modestly as you thought of something to prevent me from spending this quality time with you. "You really shouldn't have done this. I don't-"
"Keep in mind, if you say you don't deserve it, I'm gonna punch you."
You remained silent. You learn fast, I'll give you that. But as I didn't want you to feel threatened, I smiled jokingly and kept talking.
"You deserve it Chris. You deserve this and a whole lot more. This is just a drop in the bucket. Especially considering everything you've done for me."
I stole a glance at you. I had to resist laughing. God, you were so cute when you blushed. Well, you're just cute as fuck in general, so the blushing was just icing on the cake. I had to stifle the 'I love you' that was attempting to breach the confines of my throat.
I expected you to deny that last sentence of mine or put up a fight against the night I was offering. Instead, what I got was nothing short of the breakthrough of the century.
"Thanks Vic." I heard your voice as I felt something soft and limp lean against my arm. I had to take a look. You were resting your head on my arm, as if gaining strength from it. I smiled greedily. Oh, if only I didn't have to smother the 'I love you' that was attempting to breach the confines of my throat. It killed me inside to keep my hands on the wheel and not swap them over to you.
You're so cute, it's dangerous.
"Okay," you said as we entered the arena, a chill washing over us. The red plush seats surrounded the ice rink, standing out brilliantly against the sparkling white floors. Furs of all shapes and species took their seats, the buzz before any sporting event sparking up around us as I lead the way to the sixth row. "I think it's worth mentioning how you got these tickets."
"Ha ha, I know people who know some people."
"Do you know a cliché that knows that cliché?"
"No, I'm serious. My cousin's interning here and he managed to get me a discount."
We shimmied down the row, planting ourselves in chairs which sat in the relative middle of the row. I grabbed a clump of popcorn from the bucket under my arm, shoving it roughly into my muzzle as I waited. I looked down at you and felt my stomach turn as icy as the rink. Your hands were shaking. In fact your whole body was shaking. Oh shit, had I said something wrong?
"You okay?" I asked with a little more urgency than I intended to. You nodded.
"Yeah... I'm good. Just don't do well with cold."
"Wha-?" I think my throat locked up from the ludicrousness of that statement. Sure, ice rinks are cold, but this was a stadium and the area outside the actual rink was heated. And you had to have seven layers at least on you with the many t-shirts, the two hoodies and the traditional black jacket. That, and your face had to be warm with the amount of crimson flushing to it.
Apparently I was wrong, because here you were, shivering like you were naked in a blizzard. When you met my eyes, your shivering ceased like magic. But more noticeably, your tail began to wrap instinctually around your leg. I arched an eye bridge.
"I'm fine. Don't worry."
"Are you lying to be nice again?"
"No."
"I know when you're acting Chris. Your tail wraps around your leg."
"Around my right leg. It's going around my left right now because it's cold."
I could only stare at you. I was mistaken. You had noticed your habit. It was a combination of that realization and the lights fading above me that killed my intrigue. A cheer broke out from the furs around me as I sat back, munched on my popcorn, and waited for the game to start.
I've been a sports guy my whole life. And while I admit, this night was mostly for you, just once in my life I wanted to go see a game with you. I liked spending time with you in general and doing one of my favourite things with you was a dream achieved. I'm not entirely selfish. After all, we were going to see that new Bond film. You said once in passing that you liked the new Bond film style. I like the style... as well as the main lead. Let's just leave it at that before I make an awkward situation.
I kept my eyes glued to the action as the players went at it. I'm really sorry Chris. I know sports aren't your thing. I'll keep this bit of the hockey game short so you won't have to suffer through it again. There was only one thing important about it anyway.
All throughout the game as I was hollering and screaming like an idiot at players who would not take the FREAKING PUCK, out of the corner of my eye, I saw you with your head turned to me, not the match. I whirled my own head to look at you back, but when I did, your eyes were already back on the skaters. Upon returning my attention to the rink and yelling some more, I felt your eyes on me again. This time I was sure of it and I glanced at you again. You were certainly quick on the uptake, easily turning back. But you left one incredibly noticeable clue.
There was a smile twisting the corners of your lips.
"Enjoying yourself?" I asked as I sat across from you in the humid restaurant, couples and families stirring a buzz all around us. You smiled like a kitten on catnip, chomping into your slab of salmon eagerly. As you chugged a glass of pepsi, I chuckled awkwardly, realizing how much you loved your caffeine. The awkward levels amped up to eleven when I saw you down the entire glass in about five seconds. Yikes. Someone was thirsty. You nodded as you put the glass down, staring back at me with the usual vacant expression.
"Good," I continued, contently watching you inhale pounds of fish. I never knew you had such an appetite. I had never really been one-on-one for enough time to notice.
"Thanks for this Vic," you said, gazing down at the suddenly empty plate. The rare content look on your face made my heart melt. I would have had to bite a fist to prevent the urge to take you into my arms if you got any more adorable. "I never usually get to do stuff like this."
"You mean..." I started, swallowing a lump in my throat. "... not even with Mark?"
"Mark wasn't... a fan of going out."
"I... see." Oh, how I wish that night ended with Mark's face getting acquainted with one or both of my fists. "Well, I'm happy to take you out Chris. You... mean a lot to me."
I think my face was permanently crimson now. I can't believe I said something so cheesy and straightforward. If it wasn't clear that I had this giant-ass crush on you by now then I think you would have to get your eyes checked. Maybe you did. You were still giving your plate a look-over with your paws clasped together.
"Thanks. You're a great friend Vic."
Silence dominated us. I guess it was harder to strike up casual conversation with someone who never really did small talk than I thought. I tried in vain to think of something to get you to chat with me. You were just sitting there, eyes glazing over at the non-existent meal on your plate. With nothing else to do, I just ate the leftover bread, occasionally opening my mouth to say something. My throat promptly dried up as I did so.
"Sorry," you eventually spoke up after five minutes. It was my turn to jump.
"'Bout what?"
"... I know I'm not exactly the most exciting person to be spending your time with-"
"Chris, you kiddin'? You're the most interesting guy I know." It was a true statement. All I got from you was a disbelieving look. "Don't look at me like that, I'm serious. Chris, you got the biggest workload I've ever seen, you're so nice it kills me, and... well... you're easy on the eyes if I may say so."
Stupid me. Why did I say that? You're not supposed to tell someone you love them right after a breakup or they'll think that you're pitying them, you idiot Victor!
"You don't have to pity me y'know."
See?
"N-No!" I exclaimed, my face somehow managing to burn hotter with every attempt to recover. I took your paws into mine and looked right at your eyes which avoided mine at all costs. "Chris, man, I'm totally legit. You know me. I hate pretentious assholes and patronizing more than anything! You're awesome Chris and that's no lie."
You resisted the smile that was gradually melting on your face, but in the end you were no match for it. You completely turned your head away from me, not wanting to show any sign of emotion. I've said it before and I'll say it again. So. Fucking. Cute.
"Sorry..."
"Okay, even you have to admit that you're getting excessive with those apologies. Stop it."
"Th-This is about earlier. At the stadium. I'm not sure if you noticed, but... I was staring at you."
"Huh?" Of course I noticed. However, I just assumed you didn't want to pay attention to the game. I was half right on this point, as you know.
"I wasn't tryin' to be rude. I really wasn't. I... just..."
You became increasingly bashful, twisting away from me completely and rubbing the back of your head with your right hand, your left hand overcome with a vibration sickness. A spark of hope ignited in my lungs. Was it possible that you... shared my feelings? It was a long shot, but I could hope damn it. I grinned, expectations high-
"It was just really funny."
-only for them to plummet, shatter, and lie in a crumpled mess.
"What... was really funny?" I asked, trying with all my might to hold back the devastation.
"How you kept getting really invested in it... and yelling... and freakin' out. It was honestly really funny."
"My... anger was funny?"
"Oh, was that not..." You looked back at me, a look of utter regret plaguing your face. "... intentional?"
I think my brain was going to explode. You legitimately thought I was faking my reactions to that awful game for laughs. You couldn't have been more wrong Chris. On the one hand I could've taken it as a compliment, considering that you were essentially praising my acting. Since you're the best actor I know, that meant a lot. On the other... you were completely oblivious. Not only that, but I think that you thought that you just offended me. To which my response would have to ease that worry or you'd be apologizing again. And I don't know if you've picked up on this yet Chris, but I hate it when you apologize as if you're cause for world hunger.
"No... it was. Heh... glad you noticed."
"Did I say something stupid again?"
"What do you mean, 'again'?"
"Uh, n-nothing."
"Chris, you're not helping."
"I just meant that... well..." You were getting flustered again, eyes darting to the darkest corners of the restaurant. "I know that I don't talk much around you or... anyone else-" Again, this was true. I can't remember you saying more than five words to Angela at any given time. "-and when I do, you all stare at me like... I just said something dumb."
"What?" I had no idea what you were talking about. This time I thought you were joking. "I don't think I've ever heard you say one stupid thing. Well, not counting all that shit you were talking about yourself the other day."
"Come on. I thought you weren't pitying me."
"I'm not. I honestly have no clue what you're-"
"When I told you I wrote that play, you all looked shocked because you knew it was going to be stupid, right?"
"Chris..." Those words almost gave me an ulcer. "What are you going on about?"
"And when I said I had a boyfriend, you were all shocked because... I'm too..." You seemed to realize that I wouldn't like the words that would be coming out of your muzzle next and kept it shut. I wasn't taking that today.
"-too WHAT, Chris?"
"Nothing... sorr-"
"Chris, don't do this to me again. I'll kick you."
"Too fat."
"Sorry, what now?"
"Because I'm too fat. There. I finished my sentence. That's what you wanted, right?"
You were saying this calmly and in monotone. Par for the course. The only difference between how this might have worked before and now was that I knew the monotone was a defense mechanism. I snarled, not holding back in the slightest this time.
"Shut up."
"O-Okay. Sorry."
"Shut up with the apologies too! You are not fat y'hear me?"
"Come on Vic. You want me to take my shirt off right here and prove it to you?"
Yes please, I thought perversely before mentally punching myself. Focus Victor.
"You're a lot of things Chris-"
"About one hundred seventy-five pounds of things-"
"-but fat's not one of them. And I'm not gonna stand for hearing you talk about yourself like that."
"Why?"
"Huh?" I was surprised. Mostly because you weren't meekly agreeing with me. I'm not saying it's a good quality, but it's what I expected of you.
"Why? Mark didn't want me for my body. I know that much since he never even suggested... sex."
I think someone just tossed me into the most expansive vat of awkward soup in the universe. Were you saying that you had never... oh my.
"Chris," I started, quickly recovering, "I don't think Mark has the best perceptions to be judging yourself on."
"Okay then. Let's go with everybody else's perceptions." An unfamiliar tone was entering your voice. A hopeless sensation was tunneling into my lungs. "Mark is the only one who I've ever been in a relationship with. Why's that?"
"Uh..."
"Because no one else wanted to be. I mean, seriously Vic, you're gay. You know you've never showed any interest." You had to be just about the most oblivious creature on the planet if you came to that conclusion. "And no woman has thought me straight and said to me that they're interested. I mean, I've seen that happen to you Vic more times than I can count and that's because, well, you're... y'know... well built. Whereas I'm just... chubby ol' Chris."
"You stop with that okay? I told you when you were in the hospital-"
"-that I'm nice and generous? You're wrong."
"Bullshit I am!"
"No. I'm selfish. I only do all those 'selfless' things so that you all won't think you're wasting your time with an ugly, destructive fur who hurts everyone he touches."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" I blared loud and clear, smashing my fists on the table, making you jump. You were near tears, looking shamefully into my eyes. I hated that look. I hated every derogatory word you were spouting at yourself. Each one was a knife to my heart. I loathed this whole situation. Hearing the wonderful and inspirational Chris who I had idolized and adored since high school call himself ugly was a disgusting feeling. And I wanted to make sure he didn't do that ever again. I didn't care what you said. Hell, I didn't even care that that outburst had drawn the silence and attention of every fur in the restaurant. This was too important for me to care.
"Okay. Sorry for wasting your-"
"I said shut up. And listen. I'm gonna say this as many time as it takes. Chris, you're the most attractive guy I know-"
"Don't pity me!" You yelled back, the floodgates opening and tears bursting from your eyes. My emotional state took a u-turn from unquenchable rage to unbelievable terror. I had come on too strong. "If I'm so God damn attractive, then go ahead and prove it!"
"Wha-?" I was so taken aback by your rage that I could barely form a thought.
"Go ahead Vic. If I'm as attractive as you keep saying, then prove it! Go ahead."
"How-?"
"Go ahead Vic." Anger. Fury. Sorrow. Your voice reeked of all three emotions. I'd heard the latter before, but the first two were completely new. The many muscles my body was riddled with suddenly felt as weak and useless as a mass of feathers. You seemingly got a lot taller and I almost shrunk in my mind. Seeing you so hurt and enraged traumatized me. "Go ahead and make this the romance novel of the week. Go ahead and sweep everything off this table and kiss me. Say you've always been attracted to me and let's just drive off into the sunset like a fucking fairy tale." I froze up. My confidence had been torn to shreds and all that remained was a meek kitten, being able to do nothing but stare at that nasty growling tiger across from him. I tried to talk but no words would salvage the courageous Vic which had once been there. I don't know what happened. I feel like such an idiot. I should have said anything. Anything at all. I could have said something about waffles or the weather and it would have been better than what actually happened. Instead, I just sat there like a moron with my maw slightly agape. My silence was all it took for you to drive the nail into the coffin of your self-esteem. "No. I didn't think so. I'm fat, ugly, and selfish! Always have been, always will be." You stood up, wiped the tears from your eyes on your sleeve, sniffled and took deep breaths, trying to calm down, but failing with every attempt. "It's okay. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want me either. Not after everything I've done. Thanks for trying Vic. You're a good friend. I'm sorry I ruined your evening."
You stormed off. I simply stared at the spot where you once were, fear and regret jittering around inside my brain. I hadn't quite processed what had just happened yet. I whirled round not two seconds later and ran towards the exit, bursting through in a desperate attempt to seek you out.
I stared out at an empty parking lot. No tiger in sight.
I threw my face into my paws. What the fuck did I just do?
So... can't say I'm particularly proud of this chapter. Something just seems very... wrong with it to me. Let me know what you thought, as usual, so I can get better. Thanks for reading.