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Lily dabbed tears from her eyes as Candice finished reading. "I'm so glad our baby isn't going to be an ex-megatyrant."

James leaned in and asked, "Is this a prospective baby?"

Chuck replied, "James, I'm not a serial villain. Do you think I would tell you if there were the slightest chance of your changing the outcome?"

Lily said, "I was planning on hiding it until it was really awkward to ask, but we need to get our story straight on why it'll look like Omar."

I snerked. No chance of that - we'd all been really really careful.

Chuck gave her belly a satisfied pat. "No, the big question is, when are you four going to get married?"

I inwardly groaned. This was seriously throwing off my timing. Fortunately, Candice said, "Before we get to the heavy stuff, there's more!"

"What?", was the unanimous response.

"Omake!"

---

"But it's for science"

Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath. "All right, if it's for science."

I came alongside and swung a leg up.

She bolted. "Gah! No! There's just... something wrong about it! I don't know what! And that bothers me!" She took a moment to compose herself. "Sorry we couldn't do the experiment, whatever it was."

I said, "Actually, that was the experiment. Unicorn will not give ride to non-virgin, check."

"What? Oh, now you're on. You say I can't give you a ride? Ha! Who's in charge here?"

Half an hour later, it seemed her non-ride-giving instincts were in charge.

"One more try? Please?"

"Sorry, Twi - this is getting to be more tedious and made of fail than actually losing my virginity was."

~~~~

Twilight Sparkle said, "Of course n... wait. That's an interesting question." She levitated another book out of her pack.

"Hmm. Secret... Dum de dum. Yes, the story sounds awfully simi... Uh-oh."

"What?"

"I've discovered that Princess-Princess is actually Secret Demon Princess-Princess!"

She facehoofed.

"That sounds really stupid when I say it out loud."

~~~~

Nightmare Moon: OH MY BELOVED SUBJECTS!

Twilight Sparkle: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of escaping the Moon. Could last 2 or 3 seasons.

Nightmare Moon: Yes... I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.

~~~~

We emerged from the pool into what appeared to be a construction zone. A roar filled the air - two roars. One of machinery slowly spinning up to speed, and another of an angry mob. No - three roars: the earth shook.

Several people on the two machines on either side of us pointed and shouted, but we couldn't make out anything they were saying. I couldn't even make out anything Digory or Polly were saying, that close to the machines.

Digory ran off to the crowd, pully Polly and pointing ahead. I grabbed his hand as well, following -- ahead was a mess.

The sky was falling. A rain of boulders was pounding the earth. And it was sweeping towards us.

One man was standing on the wall, fighting, killing everyone in the crowd who came close with dreadful efficiency. The push and swell of the crowd gave even those who knew something about fighting an insuperable disadvantage as they were shoved onto his swords.

And we were behind him. I hollered, "We'll get you all out of here in just a minute!"

It was useless for the crowd, but the warrior heard. "The ships can't carry you! And you two, how did you get off? Get back on board!"

But Digory was going for the direct approach - he squirmed out of my hand, put on the yellow ring, put his other hand in his pocket, and dove into the crowd. A moment later - presumably as he lost contact with the green ring - they all vanished.

~~~~

. . . . Achilles: Help you? How?

. . . . Omar: Oh, I dunno! Maybe with the fighting?

. . . . Achilles: Fighting? But my dear fellow, I've never hurt anyone in my life! I've never touched a weapon!

. . . . Polly and Digory share an awkward glance.

. . . . Digory: You did say you're Achilles, didn't you? Nigh-invincible warrior? Leader of the Phthians? Bathed in the river Styx? Wins races against tortoises?

. . . . Madame Tortue: That last for sure.

. . . . Omar, muttering to the children: Achilles died in the Trojan war. Let's not aim him that way. Fate can just find someone else to do its dirty work this time, don't you think?

. . Achilles sets down the book.

. . Achilles: That's an interesting assertion, don't you think?

. . Madame Tortue: Quite. But if it were true, it would be a simple matter to avoid dying - just avoid the Trojan War! A great comfort for you.

. . Achilles: And for you. I'd assumed Mr. Goodfortune would be able to handily defeat us, but I think this has given me courage.

. . Madame Tortue: You do realize that this book we are reading is a work of fiction?

. . Achilles: Yet now that it's been pointed out, I do feel like I could take him on. Let's keep reading.

Candice shook her head. "Well, that explains all the organ music you've been playing lately. I was like, 'WTF, mates?' only without the armageddon."

There was a popping sound, a flash of motion, then a small voice. "Oops." We looked around, and there was Digory. This was unexpected, to say the least.

Then another. "Digs, you forgot this... What..." Polly and Digory blushed deeply.

Polly drank her pushing potion like a shot, and sort of dove into the page with a soft 'push' sound. Digory gave me a thumbs-up and followed.

~~~~

"Okay, now... let's fight. You don't need to go as far as hitting me, just stand there and sort of intend to hit me."

Eyebrow raised, Twilight Sparkle nonetheless complied, lowering herself into a battle stance and focusing on Terra.

I formed the intention of attacking her, then thought better of it and ran away as fast as I could.

Twilight called out, "Are you sure this is going to work?"

I kept going.

"It's not working!"

I kept going.

"What? It worked!"

I slowed to a stop, put my hands on my knees, and panted while the six caught up.

Twilight Sparkle thought. "Okay. Next time, all of you together - Omar was only worth 1 magic point. Macidexia was 4!"

~~~~

"You killed two dinosaurs and you're still level 1?"

~~~~

"I can't believe you drug me out here!"

"But Hugo, they're ponies!"

"All I see is a bunch of... yeah, ponies! Some of them are unicorns. Are you kidding me?"

"But princess Celestia needs us! Sherriff Pony's homeland is under attack!"

"Wigu, my fool, Sherriff Pony is from the Butter Dimension Cubed, not Equeerstria. I's takin' the Hugotti Diablo and going home."

~~~~

Jadis looked askance at Macidexia's offering. "Are you joking?"

"On the contrary. Surely you know that an enchanted weapon's power grows with its age."

"Of course."

"This... is the very first weapon: the axe of Omar!"

~~~~

"If you say you're Nightmare Moon, then you should be able to look into this and then away!" Jadis tossed down a gourd. There was a hole in the side, and...

We were suddenly standing next to a brass city.

~~~~

Jadis scornfully looked down at us, Twilight Sparkle's lifeblood dripping from her dagger. It's not over yet! If I can just distract her, Rarity can cast Life, and we're back in business...

She advanced on me. "So, at last. The lowest of the low. You exist only for my amusement." She leered at me, finally thinking she'd won. "Get started!"

"Umm, will singing do?"

She gestured with the bloody dagger as if to say, 'It's worth a try, but no guarantees.'

"All right! Pinkie, back me up with... " and then I sang 'fa do fa la sol me do me' on 'doo'. "... and feel free to tweak it as you go."

She was still trying to get her jaw off the floor, staring at Twilight.

"Pinkie! Sing!"

She quivered, and, still staring, started singing.

After letting the ostinato proceed for a few iterations and gathering my thoughts, I spoke:

"Once there once was a queen, whose reign was nearly completely complete..."

I was cut short when Jadis slapped me across the face. "Fool! Do you think I don't know The queen who ruled the world and then exploded in a fountain of bloody guts?"

~~~~

"Zeeky Boogy Merton!"

~~~~

"... Why are you harping on this? Do you love me?"

She screwed up her eyes. "No, I need you."

"Oh, got it. We're moirails." I said, anachronistically.

~~~~

"Two to beam up!", said the ocelot.

~~~~actual deleted scenes~~~~

I hoped for another dream with Twilight Sparkle, and news from the present. And I mean, seriously prayed. I didn't usually, being agnostic. What with magic and anthropomorphic animals, the evidence that something was up with the universe was too strong, but when it came to actual individual religions, I tended to follow George Carlin's model.

Which is to say, sun worship. That's... not a bad idea under the circumstances. I know a sun goddess, and she'd be as good as Twilight Sparkle.

And I dreamed of her. We were in the gardens at the palace in Celesteville, that I'd toured only ten days ago, subjective time. Shadowy elephant figures shimmered into and out of view. Celestia was lying on one of the flat stone walls near the bench I was sitting on; she looked extremely tired.

"Princess?"

She looked up to me. "Omar..."

"Are you actually in Celesteville?"

"Yes."

Celesteville = internet!

As I thought quick, she continued, "They have been very kind. I just got your message. Tell my sister I miss her very much."

"Princess, can you find out exactly how old Tycho crater is? Just ask someone. They can figure it out."

She blinked slowly, stifled a sneeze, and said, "Arthur? Would you tell me... how old, exactly, is Tycho crater? ... Yes, I'm delirious. Can you, anyway?" Back to me, she said, "It's amazing the substitutes you've made of your clay. I would never have thought it could hold as much wealth of information as the word... Thank you, Arthur. One hundred and eight million years."

"Plus or minus what? What's the youngest it could plausibly be?"

After repeating this question and waiting a bit, she said, "His sources don't say. Apparently they're somewhat weak."

I sighed. Wikipedia. Should be good to within a few million years, anyway. "Well, thank you. Just one other thing. We seem to have, umm, created the race of dragons. Is there anything you'd like done with them?"

Celestia took a deep breath to forestall a sneeze, and closed her eyes. Then, she replied, "Don't try to cause history. If you were always a part of it, it'll happen on its own. If you weren't, something will come up to keep you from it. Usually something nasty."

I slowly nodded. "So, straight home."

"As straight as you can." She drifted off to sleep, and I drifted into wakefulness.

~~~~

I jumped into the mech, in the lap of the dead soldier, and pushed forward on one of the two control sticks. The mech took a step, which changed its balance. It twisted against the rock and ended up facing uphill - in the general direction of the pursuing soldiers.

There were three buttons on the second control handle marked with flame, snowflake, and lightning. I guessed that they were weapons, and pressed the snowflake firing button. The soldiers leapt for cover as a blue streak shot out of the mech's front disc, freezing part of the stream as it struck out straight ahead. Jiggling the second control, I managed to control the arc of the ice beam a little before it faded completely. With it moved a targeting scope. I could just put my eye up to it if I stretched.

In principle, the soldiers weren't pinned in their cover as I didn't have good fire control yet, but they didn't know that and they treated me as if I did. That gave me a moment to experiment with the movement controls.

Though the torrent of water was pinning the mech against the rock to some extent, it didn't completely impede motion - I was able to sidestep out with a sideways push of the control rod (not pushing the top to the side like a joystick, but pushing the whole stick to the side, upright).

I was barely free of the stream when I heard an ominous mechanical rumble from behind me. I glanced back - there was another mech, and this one presumably piloted competently, coming this way. It almost had a clear shot. I turned hard and put the rock between us. Now I'm cooked. They're faster, and more heavily armed. I can't run in this, I can't run without it. But I'm armed. If they come around too quick, the wrong way, I can maybe get them first... but they wouldn't come if they didn't have some way of dealing with that. Shoot! I turned around to at least cover one of the approaches, then stopped and listened.

Tromping of giant metal footsteps. Then a splash as the mech entered the stream. In a fit of inspiration I aimed the disc at the part of the stream I could see (it didn't take much aiming - it was a very large target) and bashed the lightning bolt fire button.

A deafening crack rang out, and my eyes took a moment to recover. There was a long creak. The mech fell over into my field of view, and began rolling down the hill, washed away in the runoff.

~~~~

Celestia made no instruction, and Pearl looked at her. Celestia waited some more, looking back kindly, occasionally blinking.

Pearl asked, "Excuse me, what sort of test will this be?"

Celestia replied as if there had been no delay, "A short one." She levitated a cloth off the table, revealing an elaborate teddy bear, a large gem, and a knife. "Describe one."

Pearl got down from the stool and went to the table. "The knife is made for humans - don't see many of those around here. Edge is rather dull, isn't it? Sharp point, though, and it's got a blood groove. It's not really a knife - it's a dagger. Not much of a hand-guard, so probably for throwing." She picked it up, tossed it spinning, and caught it. "Nice balance."

Celestia said, "Enough. Can you put it in the target?" She drew a curtain aside, revealing an easel with a box drawn on it, and a human mannequin.

Pearl flipped the knife once more, plucked it out of the air, and hurled it without spin through the neck of the dummy. She blinked, realizing that there were clothes laid out under it. "I... heh. I guess you meant the box, didn't you?"

Celestia distantly replied, "Nice throw, anyway." Then: "Come. Draw me something unusual."

Pearl considered. Houses, ponies, and humans were right out. Flowers, trees... Clouds... No. Not by eliminating common things. What unusual things are there? She put pen to paper.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "A snake which has swallowed an elephant?"

---

Chuck raised his hand. "That bit where you were apparently narrating real life. That was a mite confusing. What was going on there?"

"Gödel, Escher, Bach. Read it."

Lily said, "I liked the King Missile reference. And in the serious story, you were almost double-fucked by two black studs. Almost as close as a guy can get."

"That occurred to me too. I couldn't really see how to work it in. I was thinking of giving each one a King Missile theme, but couldn't get it to work out."

James said, "So, was the FF6 crossover inspired by Pony Fantasy 6?"

"What the what now? But it sounds awesome. I'll check it out. Now, Candice, would you read the very last page?"

She groaned. "There's more?" She turned the page and stared. "Only if you promise never to pull a stunt like this again. You've barely slept since chapter 24, and were crying all last week."

"Deal."

She pulled the ring out of the binder and put it on.