FSE

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I was watching the sky.

That was my first memory, simply watching the clouds pass over head. I don't remember anything before that, I don't think there was anything before, as if that was the moment I came into existence. I had watched the sky for quite some time, without thought, as if my mind was still being formed there and then.

Who, what, where?

I became aware of my existence; and the time I had spent staring at the sky, simply staring for immeasurable time. I look down at my environment. A world built of small grains paving across a bumpy surface, hills of these grains piling far above my head and reaching as far as I could see.

Somehow, I know this place is called a desert.

Where am I? Referring to myself rather than the unexpected familiarity with the environment. I'm aware of my existence, but seem unable to find myself; wherever I look. I look down and see nothing, I reach out and feel nothing, as if all that exists of my being was sight and sound. I'm as a ghost, however I know what a ghost is; this existence felt familiar to that idea. I know more than I expect, but appear totally ignorant as to myself.

Movement.

With what I'm unsure, but I'm able to alter my position within this place. I took advantage of this discovery to seemingly glide over the surface of this environment, further reinforcing my previous speculation on being a none physical entity. What a strange and wondrous world I beheld with my short journey. Familiar, and yet I looked upon it with amazement. Did I once know this place, or does my astonishment of the known indicate that this knowledge had been planted in my mind; during my awakening?

For all I knew this is all that existed in the world. The sky above, the sand below and the consciousness that wandered across it. I craved the different, as if dormant parts of my memory become unlocked; as I encountered new things. My mind felt so empty, clear with so little inside, I wished to fill it. So much that wandering across a dry bit of grass poking out the sand; was a discovery of such curiosity and interest it may have seemed comical to an observer.

So you can imagine my immense reaction when I encountered my first life form. A curious little creature that ran close and stopped dead in front of me, while I was inspecting a blade of dry grass. The creature appeared ignorant to my existence, which made close inspect all the easier. It was so different from anything I had previously encountered, that I had to contain my excitement in order to focus clearly on its form.

It was a rather long creature with stubby arms and legs, laying very close to the ground. Long clawed toes embedded themselves in the soft sand, many small plates coated its body; and glistened in the light. The face appeared in a perpetual grin. A considerably long tail trailing off behind, longer than its entire body.

Liz...ard, it was a lizard.

Curiosity urged me to closely inspect every part of its body, inspect each scale individually, observe how it moved and behaved. But as I looked on, something didn't feel right. I was... sad, I felt a terrible sadness building inside; and it was as if looking at the small animal intensified the feeling. I felt an aching in my chest, wherever and whatever my chest may be. It hurt, not physically but emotionally. A mixture of emotions flooded the area in which my consciousness was present, a mixture of jealousy and terribly deep rooted insecurity. This animal was so much more than me, I was hollow, I was nothing. A formless mass gliding across the surface of the world, no life or identify to call its own.

The pain felt tangible, as if it had a physical presence and was spreading throughout my being. Making existence, even in this simplistic state, unbearable. I wanted more, I needed more. I want to feel the sand under me, I want to feel the air surrounding me, I want... I wanted to...

Exist.

The pain faded, and where it left; it left sensation behind.

Weight, breath, touch.

I had eyes to open, I inhaled for the first time. The environment I had wandered across before suddenly felt considerably sharper and louder, it had texture and presence, like waking from a dream about a place and experiencing it for real. I cried, real tears running down my face, tears of joy celebrating my birth.

I looked at myself and there was now something to see. Familiar; and yet different. I saw many of these traits on the lizard I had so intensively inspected, able to feel them as my own. But I was not small, my form similar in appearance but painted across a different frame. I looked down at my scalie little brother and watched it dart across the sand away from me, it recognised my existence and for that I was grateful.

Returning my attention to my new body, I inspected my hands. Rough scaled skin and long clawed fingers, only I had opposable thumbs and the structure of the hand was for finer interaction. I looked down and realized I was in fact squatting on the floor, a thick tail resting behind to aid balance. Now that I was able to feel my physical presence; I could see what my phantom body was doing. So I stood up, carefully, making sure not to overexert myself in this new form. Digitigrade legs and a long thick tail automatically adjusted, toe claws stabbing into the sand for stability, as if I was already well versed in the use of this form.

And with that, I took my first real steps. Large reptilian feet feeling the sand between its toes, partially sinking into the soft ground. The cautious sway of my tail. More emotional than inexperience, as my mind tells me this body is new; but my instincts seemed to disagree. How I knew how to walk was perplexing, given that the only organism I had encountered was the lizard. The knowledge already seems to be present, it was only a matter of encountering the experiences that required its use.

And with that assumption, I ran. Trying not to think too hard and letting my instincts tell me how. The exhilaration of clawed feet digging into the sand and kicking it behind me, air blowing against my scaly skin as I breathed deeply and my heart raced. Whatever I was, I was alive. I was alive and full of joy, a new life engrossing itself in its environment; and appreciative only for being able to experience this world first hand.

I ended the experience by jumping off a sand hill and landing in a crouched position. A excited flick of the tail, sending a spray of sand into my field of view. Eager for more physical sensation, I flew forward onto my stomach, imitating the lizard I saw earlier. The position felt comfortable and natural, but didn't seem very effective for movement; given I was structured differently. Nevertheless I lay there for a while, the sun on my back causing enjoyable sensations that rippled across my skin. Drowsiness crept across my mind, as if I could easily nap here. But an irrational part of my mind feared that I may blink out of existence if I were to sleep, given the strangeness of my previous experience; how was I to know what could happen? Then again, who is to say my experience is strange? This could be normal among... my people.

As if in response to my thoughts travelling along that line, a strange sound appeared in the distance. It echoed, getting louder, getting closer. Curiosity led me to sit up and look for the origin of the noise, but something deep rooted in me was concerned. The instincts I had come to rely on were telling me to hide, but where? Under the sand? It seemed impractical given my size, it would take a while to dig such a large hole.

Going against my instincts for the first time, I climbed a large sand hill and stood up, hoping to get a view of what was making such a loud noise. Once there, I caught sight of an object in the distance, hovering in the air. My tail twitched nervously, but the familiarity of the object and my curiosity put that nervousness aside. How was it hovering in the air like that? Was it flying or was I somehow mistaken?

A few moments of observation and the loud flying object started to move, seemingly in my direction. In fact not seeming, it was moving in my direction. It must have spotted me and was now travelling to where I was. A pounding heart and adrenalin rush was all my body needed to tell me what I should do, I ran. I ran as fast as my reptilian legs would carry me. When I reached maximum running speed, instinct took over again; and I fell to all fours. It appeared I was just as suited to running on all fours as on my back legs, only faster.

However even this increase in speed didn't appear to be enough, as the large flying object was now deafeningly loud. It had caught up with me with little effort and was flying beside me as I ran. Seemingly toying with me. My arms and legs ached as the race went on, the flying object however didn't seem fatigued in the slightest. Suddenly, something small shot out of the airborne object and hit me in the side. I cried out, pain, pain of the physical variety. The hit seemed to slowly drain all the energy out of my body, as I began to slow down; and even the smallest physical movement became burdensome.

The object landed on the ground as I collapsed onto the sand, strange beings jumping out yelling at each other as they raced towards me. I tried desperately to get up but they crowed around me, grabbing hold of me and restraining my body. They tied my arms and legs together; and my tail to my arms and legs. Before together lifting me and carrying me towards the loud flying object. Everything is going dark. I dare not close my eyes in case I cease to exist. But I cannot help it, everything is doing dark.

I am not alone.

Blurry. Sensation. Dark, cold, tired, aching, hard surface, creature! Wait wait... that is my reflection in the mirror. Not a mirror but glass, if I focus I can see through it. The place is alien to me, no sense of familiarity that I got from the desert; and that was unnerving. My instincts tell me nothing, simply that I am somewhere I don't want to be.

I see many of those creatures that captured me, only with a variety of colours and textures on their exterior. Some are communicating with each other, some occupied with the inanimate objects in front of them. Then there was the ones that unnerved me the most, the ones that were staring at me. Small white eyes with tiny pupils, beaming their gaze through the glass towards me. Now I know why the small lizard ran, it is uncomfortable to be stared at with such curiosity. Wandering eyes drinking in your image and turning to an object they are holding to poke at, then returning to stare some more.

It was cold and the hard surface was uncomfortable. I sluggishly got up, to which seemed to invite more stares and poking of flat objects, so I could move to the corner and curl up. Wrapping my tail around myself for both physical and emotional comfort, I felt like I wanted to curl up into the smallest ball possible; and block out the many eyes following my every move. I yearned for the hot sun and soft sand, the view that went on forever. This transparent box was tiny; and the floor was too hard to dig.

There was no where to go, so I decided I'd give the creatures a taste of their own medicine and beamed them a few stares. They were skinny and tall, somehow very mobile; despite being impractically vertical. How they stayed upright without a significant counter balance like a tail was beyond my understanding. So fragile looking, fair skinned, a head full of strange strands. There appeared to be two different types of them, those with bumps on their chest; and those that didn't.

It was after some observation that the sense of familiarity returned, I knew this species. I couldn't recall much on them, but enough to know they were the dominant species of this world.

Then a daunting scenario occurred to me. Whatever I was, in that formless state, I took a form similar to the first species I came across. I took a form similar to an animal, in a world dominated by humans. Human! That was their name. Putting that clarification aside, I returned to my previous thoughts. This... body. Did I create it by accident? Did my yearning to feel, my jealousy of that living feeling body, drive me to become what I am now? And what I am, is it not normal? Did I make a mistake; and become the wrong thing?

"Yes, you did".

The unexpected response startled me, my tail slamming against the cold hard glass; as I stood up and quickly looked around. They were looking at me, everyone in the room was looking at me. But one man stood out among the crowed and the voice appeared to be coming from him.

"Don't be too startled, we have been monitoring your thoughts for some time now. You're a very confused individual it seems, little of your previous self has survived".

Little of my previous self?

"You see, we have been conducting experiments in this lab, experiments on a need to know basis. One of those experiments involved the preservation of a individuals consciousness in a immaterial state. You were the... volunteer for this experiment". "However, as I'm sure you have imagined, something went wrong. Solid walls are not much of a containment when one is, immaterial, and we lost you".

I woke up in the desert...

"When you had left containment we believed that was the last of you, dispersed into the environment. We set up scanners to find you, but we had little hope of doing so. Yet here you are, we never imagined someone converted into that state could reform on their own, never mind in the wild!" "Though it appears there has been some memory loss, and you could not recall your original form in its entirety. Instead latching on to the first species you came across and using it to fill in the gaps".

My body...

"And what a fascinating body it is. A perfect merger between human and animal anatomy. Something similar could be achieve in the field of genetics, provided that inconvenient laws are put aside. But a dramatic genetic alteration of a specimen after birth? That, that my friend is something well beyond my years. I am very proud for such a discovery to be made in my field".

All the people in the room put down what they are doing, so that they may clap in congratulation for the discovery. But there was little concern for how I felt on the matter. This wasn't my true body, I was not born in that desert; I died there. My memories, my form, a mixture of what was left of my humanity; and what I could acquire from that lizard I wandered across. I was a freak, a scientific mishap. I felt I should be disgusted by the violation of my being, but... I could not hate this body, I could not hate me, it was all I knew.

No, they did not make me, I made me! I was born in that desert and I had the rare privilege of picking the form I would be born into. This coldness, this dark world of theirs, I wanted no part of it. And I knew they could hear me, I knew they could hear me! Using their violating technologies to read my mind. Well, see if you can read this!

On all fours and tail raised proudly, I backed up as far as that little box would allow and charged. Clearly a being of my calibre was not in consideration, because I broke right through that glass; and breathed the same air they did. The arrogant did run, run as fast as their silly legs and flat feet could take them. Clumsily failing over each other as they tried to escape at each others expense, because their tailless bodies didn't offer much in the balance department. I leaped right over them; and went straight through the door, a short corridor of shiny plastic tubing all that separated me from the light on the other side.

The warmth of the sun hit me as soon as I left that cold and dark building, soft sand once again under my feet and wind against my scales. I was home. I looked back only once to see where it was I was escaping from, a make shift laboratory sat in the desert, probably flown in on short notice just for me. I didn't waste another moment, I ran, I ran as fast as my body would take me. I ran towards the mountains of sand, recalling that vehicles had great difficulty travelling across them. However after some time had past, I heard the all too familiar and chilling sound of helicopter blades approaching.

I stopped, knowing that I could not outrun them. Instead I turned to what I should have listened to earlier, the instincts gifted to me from my lizard part. I listened and the answer was clear, dig. Dig fast, dig deep, dig to hide. And dig I did, not a hole suitably large enough to fit my body as my human side had suggested; but I plunged myself into the sand and wiggled in. I allowed the grains of sand to naturally surround and cover my body, until all an observer would see was the tip of a tail disappearing into the sun warmed ground. Warm and safe, the lizard part of my brain happy with what I had done. Warm and safe, comfortable and hidden in the endless fields of sand, I could of dozed off right then.

Only this time I did, I let myself sleep. I'll sleep until they give up looking, until I can no longer hear their loud machines, and return back to my desert. I know what I am, I will not disappear back into nothingness from which I was born. I'm a lizard, and this is my home.