Merge - 17 - Doubt

Story by Monion on SoFurry

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#18 of Merge

Self-doubt can rip someone's skills to shreds, and doubting friends or significant others can ruin relationships. Can our friends move past their doubts, or will they continue to fester and wreak havoc among the group?


Had some major edits to do in the storyline, I wasn't happy with the original draft of this chapter, so I cut 1/4 of it, moved another 1/4 to a later chapter, wrote a bunch of new material, and have fixed my story outline (as that much editing has pretty significant ripple effects). I think it made this chapter a lot stronger, though. And no, I won't show the original draft ;)

Constructive criticism is welcomed. Unconstructive criticism is not.


Chris stretched until his paws touched the ceiling past his antlers, opening his long muzzle in a great yawn. The moose was an early riser, so that even with getting to his friend Darrel's place after three-thirty in the morning, he didn't get more than four hours of sleep the night before. Add to that a busy day of going to the gym and then learning magic in the afternoon, the muscular moose was ready to pass out.

He laid his kilt over the bed post and placed his forest green vest on top of that. Rubbing the bandage on his upper arm, he winced slightly. The wound had cauterized itself fairly well, but it was still a little sore and really itchy. He adjusted his boxers - he never claimed to be a true Scotsman - and hopped into the short bed.

Darrel's house was shared with two other roommates, but both of them were out for the week at hockey camp. His offer to put Chris up for some time technically extended past when they came back despite the fact that Chris was borrowing a room from them, but the moose had to think of a slightly more long-term solution for sleeping, at least until the school year started and he could get into the dorms.

The bedroom itself belonged to Eric, a soon-to-be third year student in biology. A wolverine, he was short, angry, and packed. Sadly this meant that Eric's bed wasn't long enough for the massive moose, but Chris wasn't one to complain about charity. Posters of hockey players and teams covered the beige walls, along with a few pin-ups of a busty female wolverine. To his relief, the female was (mostly) covered in the images.

'I wonder how much practice it'll take before I can get what I imagine happening to work,' he thought idly as he curled up under the light covers. He had propped his head up on a set of pillows so that his large antlers could hang over the bed frame. 'Matt said maybe I'd be good at making my own physical abilities better. When he grabbed that feather and hopped to the top of the tree, just, wow. He's already got all of this figured out. But I'm already pretty strong, maybe it'll be easier to do things like that.'

Chris dozed off not long after, but was awoken by a click in the darkness of the strange room. The moose blinked a few times trying to see anything, but, being in the basement, it was pitch black - with the single exception of the low-burning red numbers on the alarm clock. Perking his ears, he held his breath and listened for what could have caused the noise. Soft footfalls moved closer to the bed.

"Darrel?"

A small paw was placed on the moose's hard abdominals, pressing down a little hard to just be a fur looking for something in the dark. Deft fingers traced the grooves around the muscles, making Chris shudder.

"Ya came here so late last night that I didn't get a chance." The hare's voice was sultry, "what do ya say we make up for lost time, eh?" The paw slowly inched down until it was starting to slide under the elastic waistband on the moose's briefs.

"Darrel, what are you doing?" Chris' voice was weak, but he grabbed the hare's small wrist, holding the paw in place. The moose could feel Darrel's coarse fur between his fingers.

A second paw braced itself against a pectoral, squeezing it slightly. "Whaddya think, big guy? I know ya want it too, or ya'd've stayed with that husky of ya's."

Chris grabbed the other errant paw and yanked it off of him. The quick movement threw off the hare, causing him to fall onto the moose and made him squeak. "I don't think so," Chris said, sitting up and pulling the hare with him by the wrists.

"Ow, ow, yer hurting me, Chris!" The moose released his friend from his grip and pushed him to standing. Almost immediately he felt the hare's paws on his shoulders and hot breath on his nose. "Maybe I was a little quick on the draw, eh? Prefer a guy to make nice before ya get dirty?"

A small tongue darted between Chris' lips for a brief moment before a light flashed in front of the moose's eyes. He felt fire course through his arms as he shoved the hare, the muscles in his back taut with the effort. The dull thud of the fur hitting the wall came a second later.

"Darrel?" he said softly, but there was no response. He leaped out of the bed and rushed to the door, flipping on the lights when he arrived. The hare was crumpled at the base of the wall, his relatively little body further compacted.

When Chris' paw touched Darrel's shoulder, the hare groaned and stirred. The hare's eyes widened as he looked up at the towering moose before squeaking and scrambling away towards the door

"Maybe, maybe ya should just go," Darrel said, his voice cracking. He never took his gaze off Chris as he backed out of the room. The moose could hear the panicked footsteps of the hare's long feet as he fled down the hall.

Hot breath huffed through Chris' wide nostrils as he clenched and opened his paws repeatedly. The adrenaline of the situation was wearing off, and despite his fight reaction earlier, Chris wanted to flee the house. Perhaps he should've stayed with the husky after all.

* * * * *

"Mm," Matt moaned a little as he started waking up. His arms were wrapped around the short-furred male staying in his bed with him, and it was nice to be able to cuddle as he got up. He rubbed his paw in small circles on the fur's chest, feeling the heavy muscle under his fingers.

'Wait, muscles?'

The husky's eyes flew open and found himself staring at Chris' immense back. The moose was curled up against Matt under the sheets, in nothing but his boxers. "Oh, shit!" Matt said with a yip as he retracted his arm and leapt over his sleeping friend.

"Crap, dude, you hurt?" Kael shouted, flinging himself to a sitting position in bed and clawing his messy black hair from his eyes.

Chris just blinked away his sleep as he watched the flash of grey and blue fur book it out of the room.

Reaching the communal dorm bathroom in nothing but a white towel around his waist, Matt attempted to bring his rapid breathing under control. He leaned against the cold tiled wall as he began to run the water in the shower. 'Crap, crap, crap! I slept with Chris! Well, not slept with, but slept slept with. Jay's going to be pissed, he's already jealous of him. He can't find out about this.'

Stepping into the warm water, the husky began the laborious process of shampooing and washing down his fur. Normally he liked this time in the morning to think, but thinking right now was a dangerous proposition as the husky's imagination ran off on him.

'What if Jay just is done, and breaks up with me? The straw that broke the cougar's back? Or maybe he won't mind, and be understanding, but how understanding could he really be? Maybe it was wrong to offer Chris my bed, but he said he was in trouble, I couldn't just leave him. He never did tell me why.'

Matt banged his head against the tile wall and let the hot water run down his back. 'I just, argh, and why did it have to be so nice waking up next to him? I mean, I crushed on him forever, and now here he is, right where I wanted him, but I like Jay, too. Maybe that's why I'm freaking out. Maybe if I didn't think he was hot as hell this wouldn't be a problem?'

After tormenting himself for the entire shower, Matt realized his thoughts were going in circles. There was no way he would figure this all out now, so instead he sat in the body dryer and let the noise drown out his brain before returning to the dorm room.

"Well, dude, looking at some of the rental prices around here, it'd actually be cheaper than the dorms." Kael's deep voice washed over Matt as he entered. The kangaroo and moose looked to their friend as he closed the door behind him.

The husky kept his back to the pair as he slipped into a pair of clean shorts, aware that Chris was probably staring, and the small voice in the back of his mind that was cheering the moose on wasn't really helping Matt's already sour disposition. "What're you guys talking about?"

"What I'll be doing for somewhere to stay for the rest of the summer."

"Yeah, dude. Get this: if you, Chris, Jay, Laura and I rent a house together rather than living in the dorms, it'd be a lot cheaper than what we're each paying today! And we could totally keep it during the school year. Most of us need a place to stay anyhow, and it would give us a place to practice magic discreetly. Like not in the middle of a public park."

"That's a," Matt said, stopping to think about it for a moment, "great idea, actually!"

"What do you mean, 'actually', dude? I'm full of great ideas."

"We could get our own rooms finally, too! And maybe I'll get to spend more time with Jay if we all move in together. This is brilliant!"

Chris left to shower, Matt avoiding his gaze as he did. Kael wandered off to talk to Laura, and Matt called Jay on his cell phone.

After a couple rings, the phone picked up. "Hey," Jay said, his voice neutral.

"Hey! We're looking at renting a house as a group for the rest of the summer and the next school year. You could move in with me! What do you think?" Matt's tail thwapped the desk over and over again, but the husky didn't care.

"Uh, well, we've only been dating for three months. By the time you get the papers signed and stuff, it'll be like four months, right? That's a bit soon to be moving in together, no?"

"Oh. Okay."

"Well, uh, what about... weekends? Maybe I could be a part-time renter or something? Sort of a try out the living situation on a short term basis?"

Matt's tail picked up speed again. "Yeah, sure, sexy kitty. That'll work."

The door opened behind Matt and Laura rushed in, the white wolf pouncing on Matt while Kael strolled in behind. "Kael's idea is the best idea ever!" she yelled as Matt tried to extract himself.

"Hey Laura!" Jay shouted into the phone, causing Matt's ear to flatten.

"Jay says 'hi'."

"I'll let you go Matt, and I'll see you later, okay, babe?"

"Sure thing. Bye, Jay." Matt hung up and sat down on his bed beside the white wolf. "So Jay's not in for the idea, not on a permanent basis, anyhow."

"It is pretty soon, dude."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what Jay said too. That's fine, I guess. I was so excited I didn't really think of it."

"So," Laura began, eyeing the two guys carefully, "what about bugs? CSIS probably already knows what we're planning right now, right?"

Kael shrugged. "The dudes would figure it out anyways. If they're watching us, I doubt there's much we can do about it. They're likely going to bug whatever house we rent, too."

"If they want to watch, then they can watch," Matt said, teeth bared. "They've also probably saw and heard Jay and I getting it on, too."

"Dude, you did such a good job de-scenting the place that I forgot about that. Thanks for the reminder," Kael said with an eye-roll.

"You're welcome. It's creepy as hell, but we can't let them dictate our lives or get to us. Anyway, as long as they're watching and not interfering, it's better than what Zachary Knowles promised to do."

The group was silent for a moment, lost in thought. Kael abruptly piped up with a solution. "Well, if magic horks video recordings, maybe it can do the same with sound?"

"The soundtracks of the news recordings were also pretty staticy," Laura added.

Kael turned to his computer and began clicking around. "Here, I have a microphone. We're recording now. Try using some magic, Matt."

"Uh, okay," Matt said as he scrunched his muzzle in concentration.

"I'll just talk for a bit," Laura said with a smile. "You need some other noise to get covered right?"

"Really, dude? Snow? Now you're just showing off."

Big snowflakes were swirling about the husky and began to cover his bed and Laura, leaving wet splotches on the sheets and left the white wolf's fur glistening. Matt brought his arms down and the snow disappeared, but the moisture that had settled still remained. "Sorry, you said do magic, so I did. I was trying to create a chunk of ice. Didn't quite work out the way I wanted."

Kael shook his head as he hit the replay button.

"We're recording now. Try using some magic, Matt." Kael's deep voice returned over the speakers.

"Uh, okay,"

"I'll just talk--"

Laura's recorded voice was interrupted by loud static, causing Matt and Laura to cover their triangular ears while Kael rapidly clicked the stop button over and over.

"Sweet, it worked!" Matt exclaimed. "But that took a lot of effort, even for me. And now CSIS will know we can interfere by using magic."

"Sure, dude, but they won't know the important stuff. We have a get out of bugging free card!"

The door opened again, and this time Chris walked in, dressed in his kilt and vest with a towel around his neck. "Uh, hey guys. Why are Matt and Laura and the bed wet?"

"A wizard did it," Matt said, trying to suppress some giggles as Kael rolled his eyes again. "So it's going to be the four of us in a house. We should figure this out ASAP 'cause Chris is kind of homeless at the moment and I don't think Jay's going to like it if Chris stays in my bed for a month."

Laura raised an eyebrow at the husky. "Well, I do have room in my dorm room. It's on the floor, though."

"That's probably better. I don't want to make things awkward. Thanks Laura."

Kael shook his head, "You guys go ahead and do some house hunting. I'm going to stay behind, try to figure this whole Dias thing out."

"Then let's go!" Matt shouted, leading the charge from the room with bright icy eyes and a fluffy wagging tail.

* * * * *

The midday sun beat down upon the giant concrete steps that doubled as seating in the park. It was effectively an outdoor amphitheater, but without walls. In the winter, the shallow pool at the bottom would be frozen and used for ice skating events. But in the summer, it was a great place for families in the inner city to come cool off.

In the shade of a leafy tree, Jay brooded as furs enjoyed the sun and water around him. Happy cubs ran from their parents, daring the adults to catch them with joyful shrieks. Couples sat together, some on blankets, others just on the grass or concrete, cuddling the day away. The park was fantastic for fur-watching.

Jay wasn't really watching the others, though. He was deep in thought.

'I'm such a mess,' he admonished himself. 'Matt was so happy to call me even after I stormed off without talking to him yesterday. It would be so easy to just say yes and live with him, but I want to be able to help him first. But I've got nothing. No matter what I tried: ice, water, matches for fire, feathers for wind, soil, rocks, hell, even my cell phone.'

He let his feet dangle off the edge of the concrete stair, his legs not long enough to touch the grass below. 'I wonder who the other gods are, besides Dias. Since Dias didn't seem to want to talk to me. I just, I don't know if Matt and I can work if Matt's this mage and I'm... nothing.'

Jay noticed a fur sitting down beside him from the corner of his eye. It seemed a little odd to Jay that the dark jaguar was in a black suit in the middle of the hot day when he realized that this was probably one of those CSIS agents Matt was talking about the day before.

"Having a bit of a tough time, eh?" The jaguar's gaze stayed on the pool below, or at least that's what Jay assumed. It was hard to tell where the other cat's vision was focused on behind the sunglasses.

"What do you want with me?"

The jaguar laughed. The wheezy sound grated on Jay's ears. "Nothing too crazy. I can help you, Jay Richardson. But only if you help me. Your boyfriend is clearly scared of me. He distrusts authority, and given his past, I don't blame him. But I need to keep furs safe, and to do that I need more information about this demon menace."

"What kind of help could I need from you?" Jay asked, now looking at the dark jaguar directly. He could see the faint outlines of near-black spots on the agent's fur.

"Intelligence. I know for a fact that a certain moose slept with a certain husky, and that he neglected to tell you."

'What the hell? How creepy is it that's he's spying on my personal life? But what reason would he have to lie? Though, maybe it was innocent. Matt never struck me as the cheating type. But what if Matt's already drifting away from me? Chris can use magic, he's buff, sexy, and can fight. What can I offer to beat that?'

The agent cleared his throat when Jay hadn't responded for a few moments.

"I trust Matt. He'd tell me if it were important."

The agent's tail twitched erratically for just a second before stopping. "Well, what about helping you help Matthew? CSIS wants to help everyone in this country, and that includes you and Matthew, you know. And we can't do it without the knowledge we need. If you can get us that information, we can protect everyone."

Jay closed his eyes. "I'll think about it, but I'd prefer to be alone right now, thanks."

Standing without a word, the agent slipped a small card to the cougar. When Jay opened his eyes, the black-suited fur was nowhere in sight.

"Zachary Knowles, CSIS," Jay read aloud, keeping his voice down. 'Maybe he's right about Matt being overly paranoid. What's the government there for if not to help us?' After stuffing the card in his pocket, he laid back. The concrete felt cool against his short fur. 'And I should ask about Chris. If it was innocent, he'll have nothing to hide.'

* * * * *

Later that evening, Matt, Laura and Chris were walking back to the dorms after looking at a number of places that let them view on such short notice. The summer sun was setting, lighting the sky ablaze with scarlet, gold, and magenta, while mosquitos were coming out to feed after hiding from the heat.

"Got you!" Chris bellowed as he smacked his paw against his thick chest. "I hate bugs." He wiped the palm of his paw on his kilt.

"I don't really notice them because my fur's so thick," the husky said, backpedalling ahead of the group as he watched them.

"Yeah, well, I still hate them."

Laura shook her head slowly before pulling her long hair back with a free paw. "So, the only house we liked was the place up in Dalhousie, right?"

"Pretty much," Matt said, still walking backwards. "Decently priced, not far from the train, and it comes partially furnished! Hard to..." The husky's voice trailed off as he began to fall.

"Matt!" Laura and Chris shouted at the same time, running towards their friend. They didn't make it before Matt hit the sidewalk.

"Oh, that's going to hurt when he wakes up," Laura said, grimacing as she held Matt's head gingerly, feeling under the blue hair gently for scrapes or cuts. "Hopefully nothing worse than a headache though."

"I have him, Laura," Chris said as he bent down and scooped the dog in his arms. "I thought I would get at least a few days before I'd have to carry him again." The moose's voice was monotone, making the joke fall flat.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

Laura stepped back and looked Chris over. Matt was thrown into a fireman's carry over the massive moose's shoulder, the husky's tail and legs hanging limp. Rubbing Matt's back unconsciously, Chris began to walk towards the dorms. The white wolf sprinted to catch up.

"Why do you torture yourself like this? I mean, Matt's sweet, don't I know it. But-"

Chris stopped and heaved a loud sigh. "You too?"

"Huh?"

"Kael said something like that about that a few months ago. He also said something about Matt liking me and Jay probably not working out."

Stopping and cocking her head at the moose, Laura said, "You've been hoping that Jay and Matt would break up?"

Chris didn't reply but kept marching forward. He adjusted Matt carefully, ensuring the husky wouldn't tumble from his hold. Laura ran past the moose then spun on him, blocking his passage.

"You haven't been trying to make them break up, have you, Chris?" The white wolf's hackles were raised as she bared her fangs at the much broader and bigger fur.

"What? No!" Chris said, his eyes wide. "How could you... I wouldn't do that! That would hurt Matt! I'm not that dumb! I'd be lying if I said I didn't want them to break up, but until that happens, I'm going to be his friend." The moose nuzzled the sleeping husky softly. "He's a good friend."

Laura frowned, backing away from the moose. "I'm sorry."

"Me too."

* * * * *

Matt woke up standing, leaning up against an invisible curved wall. Surrounding the husky's feet was a circular set of runes drawn on the stone floor with chalk. For a brief moment, Matt thought he had been summoned to Kazar's basement again, until he looked up and saw a chalkboard against the back wall and rows of desks on the opposite side.

"The academy?" he whispered as his icy eyes scanned the rest of the room. By the classroom exit stood an obsidian-colored dog with tall, thin ears and brown around his muzzle and paws. The doberman was dressed in a black robe. "Terrance? Weren't you imprisoned?"

"Kazar's notes worked perfectly. You can be summoned!" Terrance said gleefully as he slowly walked down the stairs.

Matt felt something resting against his back, and reached for it. His paw wrapped around the smooth wood of his staff. "How'd you escape, Terrance? The Council sentenced you."

"Tarnak released me," Terrance said with a maddening smile.

'There's got to be a weak point in this summoning circle, a mistake or a scuff, something!' The husky was carefully looking over the intricate drawings on the ground. Patterns began to take shape in his mind. "Why would Tarnak do that? Getting the rest of the Council mad at him seems like a bad idea."

"You've made enemies, Matthew of the Earthly Order. You bested me once with Rhisanth's help, you've unbalanced the Council and made it harder for Tarnak to be elected."

"Unbalanced the Council?" Matt said, eyeing the doberman briefly before returning to his search. "That's what you wanted! You wanted a Dark Order mage heading the Council."

Terrance laughed, a repeated staccato bark that echoed in the empty classroom. "You got in the way and Kazar rejected my help! My plans are set back, yes, but I can bring back the status quo. Tarnak promised me freedom in return for a favor."

"He doesn't have the authority! Not without Kazar, Rhisanth, and myself! And why are you even telling me this?"

"It won't matter," Terrance said, walking back up the steps, his back to Matt. "Once you're dead, the deadlock will be shattered, and the Azure Order will be back in power. And my status will be restored."

'Ah ha! There! That rune's not the same shape as the others in that layer! Thank you, fractal geometry class.'

"No witty repartee, Matthew?" Terrance turned in time to see the grey-blue husky lift his staff and jab it into the invisible barrier. Ice bloomed from the wood and began to grow inside the barrier and out, until a quarter of the cylinder was covered. "What? No!"

"Yes!" Matt shouted as he slammed the staff against the ice wall, shattering it and showering the classroom with frozen shards. When the ice cleared Matt was standing tall outside the barrier and runic circle, holding the staff across his chest, one paw on top and the other below.

"Impressive, but your escape won't matter. I won't make the same mistake I did at the inn." Terrance raised a clawed paw and a small ball of fire appeared above it. "This time you will die."