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Chapter 30 - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams.

Not that it matters I guess. I'm now feeling very superfluous. These guys were getting on with things and now I couldn't do a lot along those lines. I mean, I know I could do the basics around the place and yeah I can help out here and there, but right now I'm just a liability.

Where did that thought come from? It's got a point though. I've had my spirit beast stolen and my entire body feels almost like I've put it on as a suit. How can I still call myself a person? I'd probably be better off as a vampire. At least then I wouldn't have to feel this crap.

I wait for the thought to fill me with revulsion, but it doesn't come. But it's not an option in this world, plus would I give up these feelings for Soothing so easily? Not exactly, but what are feelings compared with keeping the one you love safe? You can't love a corpse.

That thought stops me. Colt loved a corpse. I was a walking corpse. Could Soothing do the same if I became one again? No, that much I can honestly believe. He'd kill me in order to keep his word. I wouldn't complain, it's what I want. Don't I?

Do I want them to just kill me and get it over with? Sort of. It's like the yearning for the piece of me is screaming to make it stop in any way possible. I keep reaching inside myself for my spirit beast to comfort or warm me, but it's not there and I fall into the missing hole with a shock each time.

"Here, drink this." says Soothing, sitting beside me and handing me a cup of coffee.

"Thank you." I raise the cup to my lips and gently sip the hot liquid.

It tastes nice. But again, it's like I'm drinking with a slightly numb mouth. I'm getting the heat from the coffee and an artificial flavour that's like coffee, but missing 'something'. Everything seems to be missing something to me, like I wasn't seeing the whole picture any more.

My gaze slides to Soothing, he's looking at me every few seconds then away, he's so worried but doing his best not let me see. It tugs at the feelings in me and makes my chest ache a little as I think of what I may have to actually do so that they don't have me to worry about. I can admit it now, I love Soothing, but whereas now I could probably be with him, I'm weak and vulnerable. As long as I'm around, Soothing may get hurt trying to protect me and I can't deal with that.

I lean up against him, he looks a little surprised at me as I move my whole body close to his, bringing my legs up onto the sofa and tucking myself under his arm. I don't want to leave this, but if I stay, then they're going to waste valuable time and resources attempting to restore me. I would like to go back to being a garou, even if it means that Soothing and I couldn't be, because at least then I had a chance to protect him and the others.

But for now, fuck it. I'm going to be a little selfish and enjoy this. The people in my life have been amazing and right now I am very thankful for them all, but I won't be a burden to them all. I should be grateful that Colt left me alive long enough to meet these people, but I do not think that I deserve to keep them. Especially if they're going to put themselves in danger every day and I can do nothing to help.

In fact....

"Soothing?" I say.

"Yeah?"

"What Claw said was right, wasn't it?" I ask.

I can feel him tense up beside me, his arm gone very still against my body.

"Yes. But is now really the time?" he looks down at me.

"I don't know, but I do know one thing. I feel better with you around." I look back at him.

"So how about we just go and cuddle in the bedroom?" he says.

"I'd like that as well."

He rolls his eyes and snorts. "You're a bit of a horn dog, aren't you?"

"I'm merely looking for the silver lining." I respond.

He blushes then and chuckles before moving, standing up and stretching he moves around the couch to the door then looks back at me.

"I notice you didn't deny it. Coming?"

I don't know if it was quite werewolf speed, but it was very quick with how fast I got around the sofa and was out of the door right behind him. Maybe I'm not all there right now, but I don't care. The needs were still there, just most of them also included the need to fill the emptiness within me as well. Right now, I had a very good idea how I could fill that.

We hit my room and I'm not sure what happened, but one moment I was looking at his face, the next I was on the bed on my back with my lips against his. My arms locked around his back and feeling him grind in against me as we kissed each other intensely. Fireworks were going off behind my eyelids as he pushed my lips open over and over again with his tongue and I had to take a moment to gasp for breath, my heart hammering like a bird trapped in my ribcage.

"Alex..." Soothing pants softly against me. I can't answer back, most of my breath was stolen in the kiss and my body isn't responding to anything other than feel of him against me.

I lean up again for a kiss and my lips meet his, my body feels hot as fire and I'm desperate to feel his against me. Like a primal switch in my mind, I start pulling at his shirt, trying to tug it off his body. He gets the hint and breaks the kiss long enough to pull his shirt over his head and throw it to the side. His hands immediately start pulling open my shirt and popping open the buttons, it joins his shirt in flying across the room.

I dive back in for another kiss my hand running over his skin, his body feels solid under my touch, but the flesh gives me some purchase to grip firmly onto the powerful muscles on his arms. My hands slide around and under his arms as the kisses become deeper and more fervent. The texture of the flesh suddenly changes under my hands and I break the kiss with a gasp of surprise. I realise I can feel the scars across his back and my fingers are exploring the ridges of them until Soothing takes things further and his teeth are softly digging into the flesh of my throat.

My head is thrown back in a surge of pleasure as he nibbles and bites tenderly at first, but the heat of the situation and the fever of our passion soon encourages him to bite firmer and more possessively. Each harder bite draws a noise from my mouth, my body shuddering against his. My hands try to cling to his back, but our bodies have begun to sweat so now holding onto him has become difficult, but at the same time it forces my hands to run across the steeled flesh that's pinning me to the bed. I'm losing more and more control of myself, letting go of everything and succumbing to the passions of the man who has me pinned against his muscular chest.

My thoughts are nothing but carnal desire. No cognitive thought, just pure wanton need for this. God did I never want this moment to end. I wanted more, I wanted to get closer than just our flesh touching chest to chest. I knew that I wanted to feel him inside me, feel that intimacy that I had lost since Colt....

The thought stops me dead like a bullet of ice racing through my heart. This may feel so right, but can I just forget him and Leonis like this? I want it so badly, but he was someone I hadn't gotten to know for very long. Our relationship had been forged through hardships and mutual respect in many regards, but as much as I could say I want to love this man, I was rushing this for both of us. I had been through so much shit, I was clinging to him like an emotional life raft. Doing this might be a bigger mistake for us both.

"Soothing.. Soothing... Stop.. Please stop." I pant gently, guiding his face up and off me. He looks confused at me.

"What's wrong Alex?" he frowns.

"Soothing.. I can't. I'm sorry, but it's too soon. I.. I'm scared. I have all these feelings that a blowing me up. God, you don't know how much I want you right now, but I'm fresh from a broken relationship and more shite than I can describe."

Soothing starts to lean up from me, but I tighten my grip and look up into his eyes, my own already starting to drip tears again.

" You're... I can't put it into words how amazing you are, but so is Colt and Leonis was too. I can't disrespect them by jumping straight into bed with you. Please don't think this is against you. I want you to understand that I have to slow down. I want to know 'you' more and... I want to be near you." I sniffle and let go of him, reaching up to rub my tear dripping eyes.

When I open them again, Soothing is smiling softly at me.

"I'm glad Alex. I want more too, but you know that this world just isn't that nice. We do need to grasp the moments whilst we can and I understand what you mean, you want to love me. I think I feel the same... But you must understand that right now, Wyrmripper is considering you a liability." his face slowly gets more sombre as he speaks.

"I had figured. You don't have to explain what might happen. I'd already guessed. I was planning to slip out first chance I got so I couldn't cause you guys any more trouble." I say, turning my head to the side.

Soothing gently cups my chin and turns my head to him.

"There's more to Wyrmripper than meets the eye, he has to work around the politics of the Sept, but if he takes a shine to someone, then he'll pull off some impressive things. Even if it bends the rules." he leans forward and kisses me softly again. I look up at him, unsure of what to do.

Suddenly he frowns and then his eyes widen a little.

"I've just had an idea. It's a long shot, but it might bring you back into the fold." he says.

"What is it?"

"You need to get Rain and Lawrence. Go find your wolf spirit. Rain knows the ritual of spirit binding, he should be able to re-bind your wolf back into you. You'll need someone who can fight if they have to so take Lawrence."

I nod and then frown "Why don't you come with me?"

"Because we're not supposed to help. One of the rules you have to accept is do not suffer thy people to tend thy sickness. Technically you're not my people, you're human. You're what we call a veil breach, but you also surrendered honourably to our decisions. Since Lawrence is nuwisha and Rain isn't part of the pack officially yet, then you guys can do things we can't."

My eyes narrow and a smirk appears on my face. "You're using my body language to interpret my answers there aren't you? Please tell me you're not a lawyer."

He chuckles and gives my nose a light tap.

"No, I'm the pack's Philadox. I have to make decisions based on the situation. Wyrmripper thinks that I'm too involved here and he has a fair point. Which is why I'm here with you instead of arguing with him. I trust his decision, but if you go and get your spirit back, then we can get back on with your training and not worrying."

I grin up at him. This man is amazing. But I know as well as he does, the moment I'm garou again, we can't go this far ever again. Yet... Fuck it, I want to be by his side, if that means I'm going to become a permanent wanker, then so be it. It's gonna be worth it. Colt, I am so sorry, I'll love you forever, but I'll love this man too.

"Well, you'll have to get off me for me to get going." I smile softly at him.

"I know, but I don't want to." he sighs.

"I don't want you to either, but if we both did what we actually wanted, what are the honest odds of me being capable of walking out the door under my own steam?" I grin.

He starts laughing and shakes his head. "Not very high, I'll be honest. But it's a good thing to know we both had the same idea."

I blush and grin as he slides off the top of me. I grab my shirt and throw it on.

"You any idea where Rain and Lawrence are?"

"Rain will hopefully be in his room. Lawrence is.... Oh dear." he frowns.

"Oh dear?"

"It looks like Claw decided to get in Lawrence's face, Nyemi says that they're currently trying to paint each other across the training room. I wouldn't worry too much. Sounds like it's a challenge and they aren't allowed to kill each other. If they go too far, Nyemi will interfere. Though technically it should be me there."

"Should we go then?" I say.

He nods and throws his shirt back on. We head out of the room and knock on Rain's door. He answers, his eyes are a little red around the edges and it appears that Rin is sat on his bed looking concerned.

"Hey lil bro." I smile at him.

"Hey. So, they gonna kill you?" he sniffles.

I wince and give him a reassuring smile. "I hope not, but Soothing has a plan that we need your help with. If we can track down my wolf spirit, apparently you can use some binding ritual that will put it back?"

His eyes widen and a smile lights up his face. "Of course! Where do we start?"

That stops me again. I have no idea where to start looking. The damn mage pops in and out at will.

"Let me guess, you haven't a damn clue where to start looking?" says Rin.

"No... No I don't."

"Well done. Guess I'd better come with you then." she says.

"Why?" I frown.

"Cos I can find it and I guess I owe you. Plus I don't want this handsome little wolf getting his fur all knotted." she grins and gives Rain's hair a rather vigorous ruffle, which he tries to duck out of.

"How do you propose to do that?" asks Soothing.

"I know a rite too you know! The rite of the questing stone!" She beams with her arms folded.

I just look totally confused. I haven't a clue what the hell that is. Soothing on the other hand has a massive grin on his face.

"Someone smiled on us when they sent you two. Neither of you fall under the pack's direct command yet, so you can slip out together without causing Wyrmripper any backlash. Take Lawrence as some fighting muscle."

Rin laughs "The sourfaced dancing ponce? He looks like if he farted whilst getting fucked he'd snap!"

That gets a rather irritable look from me and I snort. "Look, we need to get going. You two up to leaving now or do you have some more heavy petting to do?"

Rain and Rin both blush at that.

"I'm good to go bro." says Rain.

"Why aren't we leaving already then?" Rin snarkily replies.

I roll my eyes and start walking towards the training room, it doesn't take long to navigate the corridors again. The door of the training room appears as we round the bend and I push it open. We all file in to see Lawrence launching kick after kick at Claw who is blocking most of them. Then one lands on his back and he shrugs it off. Lawrence doesn't look to be doing so well.

"Aww, little coyote, that the best you got? I'm not even getting a kick out of it!" laughs Claw.

We may have to educate Claw on fighting etiquette. Mainly the use of taunting and paying attention to your opponent. Unfortunately for Claw, this thought of mine is followed swiftly by Lawrence's foot connecting between his legs. There's a small chorus of 'ooooohs' from Rain, Soothing and myself, in sympathy as it didn't look like Lawrence was holding back much on that one.

Claw drops to his knees, clutching his nether regions. That had to fucking hurt. It also occurs to me that they weren't in their werecreature forms. Both Nyemi and Rin are laughing now, the former having to clutch her ample bosom with how much it's bouncing up and down whilst she rolls on the floor laughing.

"No, I'm not going to kiss it better asshole." says Lawrence.

He turns to us. "Hey, what's with the gathering?"

"We need your help before Wyrmripper decides i'm too big a 'veil' breach, I think they call it." I reply.

Lawrence looks pained with the harshness of the wince. "Shit, okay, what can I do?"

"We're gonna track my beast spirit and hopefully shove it back in me. Rin can apparently track it and Rain should be able to shove it back in me. But I can't ask any pack to help me, so I need some non pack help. Think you can lend some muscle if we need it?" I ask him.

"Sure." he turns to Claw. "I win. I bet that hurts doesn't it?"

Claw nods and grunts. I felt rather sorry for him. He might be a bit of an asshole and a tad lacking in the intellectual department, but a ball's shot fucking hurts for ages, it's such an ache.

"Good. I hope you learned something." Lawrence walks over to us. "Let's go."

"I wanna go!" says Nyemi, bouncing over to us.

"No Nyemi, we can't, you know that." says Soothing.

"Awww, come on! You can just pretend you didn't see me!" she says.

"Nyemi..." he says warningly.

She huffs and folds her arms, stamping her foot on the floor. "You're no fun."

I shake my head and smirk. I must get to know this girl at some point, she seems to have such a cheerful demeanour. But for now, we need to move. I turn to Rin.

"You're up kitten, we're all counting on you."

Rin nods and grins. "Leave it to me, but call me kitten again and you'll end up like him." she points at Claw and I chuckle gently.