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A Short Parody of An Xmas Carol, in Brick Major by tannim December 23, 2012

Meep snuggled deeper into his covers. He could smell the cookies baking elsewhere in the house. He could picture the wrapped boxes under the tree and even the happy looks of his friends as they opened their gifts that he'd gotten them. The mew floated into the air above his bed from such lighthearted thoughts. Those cookies sure smelled good.

The snow pattered down outside and lightly doofed against the window near his bed. A clomp of heavy feet came from the roof along with a scream and a thud as the burglar slipped and fell to his death. Another pair of booted feet clomped away in satisfaction. A cold wind blew over him, chilling his dreams as somebody entered his room and Meep drifted back down to his bed.

The mew felt a sudden chill run down his spine as something felt, wrong. Hot breath wafted over him in the rapidly chilling room. His eyes jerked open to see a tall dragon standing over his bed, watching and rubbing its hands together as as though washing them in the air.

"MEEP THE MEW! You have been entirely too happy and in the spirit of things. THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED." Tannim leaned down and winked. "This is a christmas carol parody if you want the short version." He stood back up and looked menacing again. "PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD GO THROUGH THE TRADITIONS OF SUFFERING RELATIVES AND ENDLESS REPETITION OF BAD EXCESSIVELY CHEERFUL MUSIC."

"But... HEY! What are you doing in my house!" Meep blinked the sleep from his eyes. "... and why aren't you wearing pants. Ye Gods, put SOMETHING on besides that little hat on the tip, GEEZE. That is NOT cute... and that better not be a tiny monocle hanging from it with a fake mustache..."

"TONIGHT YOU WILL BE VISITED BY THREE HUNDRED AND NIGHTY... er.. or so, I may lose count, erm, SPIRITS!" Tannim swung his right wing back dramatically as though about to sweep it over Meep's face, then simply threw a brick at the mew's head instead.

By the time Meep came around again they were in a cheerily decorated store. They had a perfect view of almost all the store from where they hovered in the air. Curiosity tortured Meep when he decided to see just HOW they were hovering and he quickly turned away from what he saw. The concussion headache did not benefit from seeing Tannim's scrotum tied to the roof nor from the mistletoe hanging from the dragon's testicles at the end just above his head.

"I hate you. You know that don't you?"

"MEEP THE MEW! Do you mind if I speak normally? The loud voice is annoying and hard on my throat. Behold the lowly department store worker. Christmas after Christmas he, or she, I can't really tell from this angle, has to listen to this suicide inducing sappy music and countless horrid children screaming for one thing or another. Can you see the rage building? The way ... I'll say he, just to be safe. The way he picks his nose to try to cope? The glare at the speaker when the music changes. The constant looking at the clock and... er... the way he scratches his ass in public like that. HE Doesn't have such merry thoughts and happy spirit."

"I..."

"Don't interrupt, we have a long way to go to get all three hundred and ninety or so in before the night's over." Tannim hefted the brick again, but paused just as Meep cringed. "Oh yeah, you're under the mistletoe. I don't want to kiss you but you're under it."

"Wha... Oh, my HEAD!" Meep looked around after recovering from the next brick to the head.

"This is Bob. It's not really, but I don't know or care what his name is and I really don't want to get close enough to this asshole to ask. Bob has to spend every year with his family. They're equally horrid people and make each of them even more miserable doing it. Tradition states they must, though, so they suffer through the Christmas get togethers and what can loosely be called parties. I'd go on about it but hey, we're late already with you passing out for so long for each scene change."

Meep flinched. "No, not the brick again!"

Tannim sighed. "FINE."

The mew sighed in headache filled relief until Tannim grabbed him from behind and held a cloth over his muzzle. After a few seconds the chloroform did it's job and Meep woke up with an even more throbbing headache. He stood behind a cardboard bush in a school play while kids were just being herded out to start the first scene.

"Blah blah, something about the kids not wanting to do the play and the parents not wanting to watch it but it being Christmas so they have to. Brick or rag?"

"You are SO dead."

"Ok... Scrotum then little mister moody." Tannim wrapped Meep up as a mummy in his scrotal rope, letting his balls be a gag to silence the screaming for help. "Some people just can't accept help..."

Meep traveled from one sight to another, sometimes being knocked out with a brick. Once being beaten with a gold fish, don't ask. Other times being bound and trussed like a mummy, or for a laugh, dressed up as a sick elderly woman with polio braces.

At each stop Tannim explained why the people were appropriately miserable to fit with the holiday season. Meep tried to call for help, but none came. His love of Christmas slowly faded in the heat of his hatred for Tannim. The dragon was indeed instilling a proper irritation and rage for the holiday as one depressing scene after another unfolded.

By the time he woke up tied to his bed covered in silly string naked and waiting for his family to find him, he had had more than enough of the TRUE Christmas Spirit. Another Burglar peaked in his window and Meep Grinned desperately.

"You there! Boy! Can you tell me what Day it... Screw it, HELP! CAN YOU UNTIE ME?!"