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"I'm back with the goods!" Zack exclaimed as he approached the small circular wood table where Ryan was waiting, holding two large sized coffee cups in either claw. "A chai latte for me, and a mocha latte with enough sugar in it to poison a two-ton whale for my mopey roommate," he said seating himself across from Ryan, handing the red panda his cup. "Here ya go!"

"Thanks," Ryan said, taking his cup from the bat's claw. The red panda gingerly took a sit from the still piping hot cup of coffee. It was good, but he figured it could still use some more sugar.

Both the aftermath of their earlier conversation and resulting hug had been awkward, at best.The hug lasted a good five minutes, but there was a long period of silence after they broke from it, either party unsure of how to proceed. Thankfully, Zack suggested getting some fresh air and a quick bite before they had any more 'overly dramatic moments', to which Ryan readily agreed. Stuffing himself with unhealthy food was always a good way for Ryan to regain his bearings.

Both being huge coffee aficionados, the pair decided to hit the local coffee house and get some pastries from the bakery on the way. It was a bit of a jarring transition, going out to eat after his sudden emotional outburst, but Ryan's need for comfort food beat out any of his other inhibitions. And when they arrived, Zack, ever the perfect gentleman, offered to pick up and pay for Ryan's coffee. Ryan almost felt badly for letting him, but Zack wasn't about to hear otherwise from him, and the red panda didn't exactly have oodles of cash to burn.

Zack reached across the table for the paper bag of donuts, his ears perking up curiously when he found that there were none left. He looked at Ryan, confused. "Did you already eat all four of those donuts?! I was only gone for like... two minutes."

"Actually, there were five," Ryan responded, absentmindedly.

Zack gave Ryan a goofy, wide-eyed look of astonish. Ryan couldn't help but smile back sheepishly; Zack always did make the best facial expressions. "I get hungry when I'm depressed..."

"I'll say. Talk about loving your comfort food... "

Ryan gave a lukewarm "heh", but when he opened his muzzle again to continue the conversation, he found himself at a loss for words.

He'd had a nagging sinking in his gut since they left their prior conversation on hold. Now that the cat was out of the proverbial bag, he wanted, no, he _knew_he had to discuss it with Zack, but now that it was just him and Zack, hanging out again as always, he couldn't bring himself to start a conversation on such a sensitive topic. All he found himself capable of doing was just sipping his latte.

Why is trying to bring up these things so hard?

As neither Zack nor Ryan found anything to continue a conversation, one of those awkward silences that just seemed to love Ryan began to permeate the store. It was punctuated only by the sound of somebody typing on their laptop and Zack rapping the tips of his claws against the wooden table in boredom.

Zack scratched his leaf-shaped nose before breaking the silence. "So..." The brown bat then scanned the uncrowded lounge are for potential eavesdroppers, seemingly finding none. "Do you want to... maybe, talk about it?" he suggested with a casual shrug.

Ryan knew it was coming, but hearing about the dreaded 'it' caused him to nearly choke on the tiny bit of coffee in his mouth. "Oh..." the red panda responded, despondent. "Which 'it' are we talking about here? The breakup or the... the other thing," Ryan said, mumbling the last few words as his white-tipped ears flicked about uncomfortably.

Zack gave a casual shrug. "I mean, I was referring to the later, but if you don't want to that's fine..."

"No, no I do..." Ryan responded with a sigh.

Though it's more like something I have to get off my chest...

Ryan began to slowly nod his head as he mentally reassured himself that he was making the right decision. "I want to talk about it," he stated firmly, but his brief surge of confidence surrendered to uncertainty. "Though, uh... I'm not really sure where to begin..."

A half sympathetic, half amused smile crept its way up on Zack's muzzle. "Well, let's start with the basics then. When did you find out?"

In contemplation, Ryan looked up toward the ceiling. It suddenly came to his attention that one of the store's lights was beginning to die. "...When I was twelve, I think," he responded after a lingering moment, eyes now directed at his roommate. "Although for some reason it didn't really hit me until I was about fourteen that I was..." Ryan looked around, making sure there was nobody in earshot. The closest person was a headphone-wearing doberman girl, engrossed in typing on her laptop. "...that I was gay," Ryan finished, mumbling the last few words.

Zack began to nod his head sympathetically. "Yeah, it was like that for me too. You know something about you is different, but it doesn't hit you full blast until a while later."

"Yeah..." Ryan said with a careworn huff and slumped back in his chair. He then looked up at his roommate. "So, next question then? Are you just going to be asking me questions then? Is that how this is going to work?"

"Sure, if that's fine with you," Zack responded with a casually raised claw. Ryan nodded in approval. "Alright, well... You seem to be really private about the whole thing... Did you ever tell anyone else?" Zack furrowed his brows as he recollected something "Well, besides your boyfriend, I guess."

Ryan cringed upon hearing the word 'boyfriend'. He knew it was silly but it wasn't something he could control; having his old secret be so casually mentioned sent a bizarre feeling of dissonance down his spine.

"Besides you and my..." Ryan tried to say 'boyfriend' but it just wouldn't roll off his tongue. "...ex, no, nobody," he said with a troubled sigh. "You don't..." Ryan felt his ears folded down as he began to flush. "You don't think I was just... being a pussy not telling anyone, do you?"

Zack gave a sympathetic smile. He took a big gulp out of his latte before continuing. "Mm, I don't think there's anything wrong with being in the closet... Your sexuality is a really personal thing to be talking about, and if somebody's not ready to talk about it, then I don't see anything wrong with that," he explained lightheartedly. "But in your case..." The bat then brought his claw to his chin in a contemplative gesture. "I think letting a few people know might have done you some good. It's never a good thing to just have one person to talk to about these things. You could end up with a really slanted viewpoint that way," Zack said with hint of concern in his tone.

Ryan began grating his teeth as he contemplated the advice. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed the male zebra at the front counter swipe a few coffee beans from the dispenser and pop them into his mouth. Ryan didn't pay it a second thought. "Yeah, that's probably true... There were a few people who I wanted to tell but... I was just too afraid," Ryan declared gloomily, as his gaze slowly slipped to his feet. He started rotating his coffee cup around nervously in his paws, his voice dropped as he continued. "I thought that if I was open about it that then all everybody would be able to think of me as would be 'a gay guy' and nothing else. That I'd be labeled and it would end up dictating my life..." Ryan let out a deep sigh filled with years' worth of frustration. "Now that I think about it, I guess that's part of why I was so antisocial. The closer I got to people, the easier it would be for them to find out..." the red panda said, his gaze slowly directing its way back to his roommate.

Zack raised an eyebrow at his friend, dubious. "So what, instead of risking being seen as a gay guy, you'd rather be seen as that antisocial guy who doesn't have any friends?"

As the truth of Zack's sentence sank its way into Ryan, he felt his jaw slowly dropping. It was such an obvious reasoning, and yet Ryan never realized it throughout his entire life. It was as if Zack just deconstructed the past several years of Ryan's life with one simple sentence.

"Point taken..." he mumbled, hanging his head downward in shame.

I can't believe I never thought of it like that...

Zack reached across the table and propped Ryan's head back up with a claw, causing Ryan to blush at the sudden contact. Zack had an amused grin on his muzzle as he brought his arm back. "Here's the thing, drama queen: if you're always worrying about people finding out about it and thinking of ways to keep it a secret, then you've already allowed it control you. You think straight people let their sexuality dictate their lives? No. And, you shouldn't either. It's just one little aspect of you like any other, and that's all it has to be."

"I-I... " Ryan stuttered.

He's right. Of course he's right.

Ryan placed his arms down on the table and lowered his head in them, defeated. "I just wish people didn't care about these things so much..." he sighed, yielding.

Zack's initial response was a dry 'heh'. "Well, that's not something we can control. But what we can control is how much it does or doesn't matter to us."

Peculiarly, as the weight of Zack's words sunk in, Ryan started to feel embarrassed for burying his head in his arms. "That's true," he finally said in agreement, raising his head up slightly so as to regain his vision. It seemed as though they had reached an agreement. "New question?" Ryan asked as he sat up and fixed his posture.

"Alright. Hmm..." Zack began fiddling with his shark tooth necklace as he searched for a good question. "You know, you never told me about your breakup... Would it help if you talked about it?"

Upon being reminded of his relationship, Ryan's repressed feelings of guilt and began were surfacing themselves once more. It was finally time to face them. Ryan took in a deep breath through his nostrils, filling himself up with the aroma of coffee beans, and let it out of is mouth. "I guess... might as well go the full mile, heh," Ryan responded with a wry laugh. "Just uh, give me a sec here. Gotta do something for good measure."

Ryan twisted the lid off his coffee cup, and took a sip, finding it had cooled down to a moderately hot temperature. With that, he tightened his grip on the base of the cup and started downing the cup's contents. He managed to down nearly twenty ounces of coffee in one go.

Zack gave Ryan a look of awe. "Wow... that's impressive," he said, slightly taken aback by the stunt. "You and I need to go to drinking some time."

"You know I can't get over the taste of alcohol... But whatever. My breakup, okay," Ryan said with a light, sobering slap of both paws against the table. "Well, the first thing is that the whole thing was an online relationship... we uh, sort of met over World of Warcraft," Ryan said, his voice tapering down to a whisper.

Zack's lips curled upward until he had a big tooth grin on his muzzle. "Meeting your BF over World of Warcraft. Somehow that really seems like something you'd do." Ryan rolled his eyes in exasperation. Zack chuckled.

"Don't judge... But yeah, I found out about him quickly enough, and well, it was just easier telling somebody who lived far away... because there wasn't that constant fear of them spreading the word to people you know..." Ryan found himself sighing and wishing for more coffee. And as he continued, a somber feeling of remorse crept its way into Ryan's tone as he continued. "But the relationship itself doesn't matter anymore. Even though it was a stupid decision and I entirely regret it, it was fun at first... though the road leading to the breakup was pretty nasty."

Ryan paused as he noticed a patron walk past them toward the nearby bathroom. Though he wasn't saying anything, Zack was still starting at Ryan with rapt attention, his elbow on the table and the side of his muzzle slumped against his claw. When they were out of earshot, Ryan continued, making sure to keep his voice down to nearly a whisper. "By the time I was about to graduate from high school, he told me that he wanted me to move in with him, which, he lived three states away from here. So of course I wasn't ready for that..."

"Woah, that's a pretty messed up thing to ask somebody," Zack commented with an angry impression on his brow.

Ryan responded with a sardonic 'heh' before continuing. "Yeah, it wasn't until a while after that I realized just how messed up the whole thing was." Ryan huffed in frustration as he began shaking his head, disappointed at himself and frustrated with the whole past scenario. He spoke his next few words with a piercing bitterness. "He said I didn't need to go to college because he'd take care of me," Ryan looked back up at Zack with a frown painting his muzzle. "I mean, how fucked up is that?"

"Pretty fucked up," Zack agreed flatly.

Ryan found himself grumbling something unintelligible to himself in self-reproach. The more and more he thought about it, the angrier he became with himself for being as late as he was to realize what an awful situation Adam had put him in. All this time it was self-pity when it should have been anger. "So we'd argue about it, and of course he'd always ask me if I loved him, because if I really did then I wouldn't hesitate to move over with him," Ryan said, spite now tripping from his tone. "I'd always give a noncommittal answer and try to change the topic... Of course I could only dodge the question for so long. So the last time the topic reared its ugly head, and he asked the million dollar question, I finally had enough and said 'No, I don't love you that much,'" he said solemnly.

Zack's eyes lit up, clearly impressed. "Ooh, burn. But seriously though, good for you. That was the right choice to make," he said with a few soft claps of his claws.

Ryan recoiled slightly at Zack's response. This whole time, Ryan thought saying those words was the most detestable thing he'd ever done in his life, and yet he was, being praised for it by Zack. He was beside his self, not wasn't sure whether to smile or frown. "Well that's pretty much it... We never spoke to each other again after that. I tried contacting him a few times to apologize... see if I could maybe fix things, but he never responded," Ryan said casually with a shrug.

Though know that I think about it... I'm glad he never responded.

"Yep that's the way things go..." Zack commented in an equally casual tone before taking another big gulp of his bitter drink.

Ryan suddenly realized that his left leg was twitching uncomfortably. He had a tolerance for caffeine, but it still had an effect on him. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but maybe eating five donuts and drinking a twenty ounce cup of coffee wasn't the best idea, after all. Doing something that seemed fun at first but had bad consequences: it was quite a familiar notion. "Yeah, it was especially hard dealing with people asking me why I was so depressed in the few days after. It's not like I could tell them what really happened so I'd just have to shrug them off or just pretend everything was okay," Ryan said, forlorn. As he continued, the red panda clenched his brow, despite himself. "I just feel like... the whole thing was a waste of time. Like, how stupid was I to fall in love with somebody that I never met in person? I just wish I could just go back in time and tell myself to just keep my stupid pubescent feelings to myself... And the worst part is that I still can't let go," Ryan said in somewhat of a groan, the hurt very much evident in his voice. "As much as I want to forget all about it and move on, I can't."

In a desperate act to keep himself strong, Ryan clenched his arm until the pain seemed to spread across the rest of his arm. "He's still the first person I ever loved..." he finally croaked.

Or I thought I loved, anyway...

Zack frowned, seemingly uncertain of what to say. Ryan didn't blame him; he wasn't being the easiest person to deal with. Zack started scratching the backside of his head as he spoke up uncertainly. "Well, that certainly explains why you were in such a slump for the past three weeks."

It wasn't exactly a condoling thing to say, but it helped, somehow. Ryan released his grip on his but, but then another deep sigh found its way out of his muzzle as he remembered another important detail. "...I even still have one of his texts on my phone..." the red panda mumbled, with a bit of spite in his voice.

Zack's eyes twinkled with curiosity. "Really? Can I see it?"

The bitter emotions that Ryan experienced turned to ones of surprise as the hackles on the back of Ryan's neck shot up, a chill spreading throughout the rest of his body. Zack's request was possibly the most personal thing anyone could ask of the red panda. Doing so would be like giving a bit of himself to another person, a notion he found very frightening. But Ryan knew there was no point in trying to argue with Zack about it. He knew he would lose. He always did.

"Alright... I can't believe I'm doing this," Ryan finally said, with a yielding sigh.

Ryan took out his phone and pulled open his text message from Adam, the last one on his phone. He made sure not to read the text with its declaration of love though; he knew it would just rile up more unwanted feelings. One step at a time was good enough. He frowned as he passed his phone to Zack. However, Ryan immediately found himself regretting the decision as he watched Zack's green eyes quickly read the message in dreadful anticipation, knowing that whatever Zack's reaction was, he wasn't going to like it.

But if Zack laughs at it, so help me, I will slap the shit out him...

But, in the end, a laugh wasn't a part of Zack's initial reaction. "Aww, that's cute," the bat said with an amused grin.

Ryan let out a moan in self-disgust. Somehow, Ryan felt that Zack laughing at the text wouldn't have been that bad. "Could you have picked a worse word to describe it?"

Zack responded with an incredulous glare. "Okay fine, it's not cute; it's sad, depressing and pathetic. There, that better than describing it as 'cute'?"

Ryan pondered the question for a few seconds. "Yeah a little bit..." he answered with a wry laugh.

Making light of the whole situation did ease of the embarrassment of the whole situation, and Ryan was beginning to think it wasn't such a bad idea sharing his phone with Zack, but what the bat did next made Ryan's heart sink and blood run cold.

"Oops, I deleted it!" Zack announced happily, having fiddled with a few buttons on Ryan's phone, grinning manically.

Ryan's eyes grew wide; he couldn't believe what he just saw. "You did that on purpose," he accused with a tone of wounded reproach.

Zack let out a light chuckle. "No shit. You said it yourself: the worst part was how you couldn't let go. So I helped speed up the process."

Ryan didn't want to make a scene but he couldn't stop the anger from cracking his tone, "I was holding on to that until I was ready to let go! You took that chance away from me!"

Zack responded with a casual flick of his wrist. "Naaaw, milking it like that is just acknowledging that it still has power over you. You have to let go of things like this on a whim; that's the only way to do it right."

Ryan let out a half groan, half sigh in pure irritation.

He's probably right though... I did have an unhealthy obsession with the message... maybe it's best this way.

"I guess there's no worrying about it now..." Ryan mumbled unhappily.

"That's the spirit!" Zack announced gleefully as he handed Ryan his phone back. He then reached across the table and ruffled up Ryan's head-hair. That made Ryan smile, though he wanted to appear mad for a little bit longer. "But seriously, don't beat yourself up over the whole thing. We all have our regrets and our mistakes. They're what make us who we are. Hell if I had a dollar for each relationship I ended up regretting, I'd have like uh... five or something."

Ryan gave Zack an odd look until he burst into contained laughter. Zack looked half confused, half amused by the reaction. "What's so funny?"

It took a good ten seconds for Ryan's giggling to die down. "I don't know, just the way you said that was really funny. Like, you were on to something deep then you just ruined it."

Zack stuck out his tongue playfully. "Well, you know me... always cracking bad jokes."

Zack always did have a talent for unintentional comedy. But Ryan was grateful for that; it felt good to laugh heartily for once. In fact... It was as if Ryan had forgotten just how much fun it was to be with Zack. All this time moping around could have been spent having fun with his friend. His best friend. He had really missed this.

He had really missed Zack.

Ryan looked Zack straight in his green eyes, dreamily. "...Thanks," he said earnestly.

Zack gave Ryan a puzzled look. "For telling a bad joke?"

Ryan let out another snarky laugh, his attempts at a serious moment immediately foiled. "No, you dumbass, for listening to me. It just feels really nice to have somebody to talk to," Ryan said, the long lost confidence slowly finding its place back in his voice. "I sort of feel like... this whole coming out thing really isn't all that bad. It's just talking... maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I did it again," the red panda said with a smile and a feeling of relief permeating throughout his body. For once, Ryan really meant what he said. "I feel like this whole time I'm just been so worried about all the ways things could go wrong, that I never stopped to think about how they could go right."

Zack returned the smile with a gorgeous, bright one of his own. Ryan loved that smile. "Well you don't have to go around announcing it to everybody. I just think you shouldn't be so self-conscious about it. Just be yourself, you know?"

Ryan simply nodded back. "Maybe I'll just be a bit more open about it... I guess I'll start by not denying it if anyone asks, and maybe try to be a bit more honest with my feelings, you know? Not just keep them bottled up and not worry so much about it. And maybe..."

Should I say it?

"...And maybe tell the guy I like how I feel if I can rack up enough courage...maybe."

Ryan's confession caused Zack's eyes to glow eagerly, though Zack didn't quite seem to read into it as far as Ryan had hoped. "So there's a guy you like, huh? Tell me about him!" he said with a peppy enthusiasm.

A sly grin found its way onto Ryan's muzzle ."You... really want to know?"

Zack gave Ryan a playfully skeptical look. "Of course! Have you never had a face to face talk with another gay guy about your crushes? It's like the funnest shit ever!"

"I never realized you were such a gossip girl, Zack," Ryan jibed back.

"Shut up. I'm sure you noticed before... But you probably just went into denial about it because it was too hard for you to come to terms with. Sound familiar?" Zack retorted with a jaunty grin.

Ryan couldn't help but but be impressed by the witty comeback. "Oh, touché Zack, touché..."

"Well?" Zack asked with a raised eyebrow.

Ryan rolled his eyes. The bat was being impatient as always. "Well... He's... really cute for starters," he said as be began intermittently tapping the flats of his fingers against his empty coffee cup, nervous. Ryan cleared his throat before he continued. "He's also nice, funny, sweet, somebody and I can talk to..." Ryan let out a soft, abashed laugh despite himself. "Although I'm not too big on the types of parties he goes to."

Ryan looked up at Zack; he had to know what he meant after that one. Yet Zack had a blank, uncertain expression on his muzzle, as if he was completely caught off-guard. Ryan put on a bittersweet smile and averted his gaze to the window and stared at the dark streets. "I'm just still a little nervous of what he'd say if I told him."

And it was then that Zack started chuckling. Ryan wasn't sure what to make of the reaction at first, but he found his ears down and an angry expression etching its way on his muzzle. "What? Is there something wrong with that?" Ryan asked bitterly, his face flushing up in anger. He averted his gaze. "Or was it just that obvious?"

Still chuckling, Zack held out a claw and waved it in denial. When his laughter finally died down he spoke up happily, "No, no, I was just thinking... that he'd go out with you if you asked him."

Ryan blinked a few times before is eyes grew wide and mouth gaped open, "S-Seriously?!" he asked loudly, in utter disbelief.

Zack just shrugged nonchalantly . "Yeah, seriously." He said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

The twitching in Ryan's leg grew all the more incessant, and his heart began beating at an incredible speed. He didn't know what to say. "W-Why would he want to waste his time with somebody boring like me?" he asked, flustered, his breathing now unsteady.

Zack's look was one of purge smug. "Well, he and I talk a lot, and from what I can gather, he thinks you're nice, smart, honest and really cute. Why wouldn't he go out with such a catch?"

This time it was Ryan's turn to break into a fit of laughter. He tried to control himself, but he just couldn't stop giggling.

Zack raised an eyebrow. "What? Something wrong with that?

"No..." Ryan said joyfully. For the first time in who knew how long, a big, bright grin found its way on the red panda's muzzle. "You just made me really happy is all..."

*

"I still can't believe how you downed your coffee like that," Zack said jokingly as he and Ryan exited the store and made their way back to their dorm, the faint aroma of coffee still lingering around them. Peculiarly enough, Ryan found himself smiling as began to walk down the streets. It was a beautiful night, albeit chilly. With the moon's brilliant light illuminating the streets and stores, gave an almost mystical aura to the area. Sure, it wasn't a full moon, but it made for a beautiful scene nonetheless.

"Well, I don't think I'll be doing it again anytime soon," Ryan responded with a simple laugh as he looked up and smiled at his new boyfriend.

Zack smiled back until a sudden burst of cold wind hit the bat, causing him to grip himself under the shoulders and shiver. "Brr... It's gotten pretty cold lately, hasn't it?"

Ryan responded with a carefree shrug. "I don't really mind the cold... not with a nice coat like this!" he said as he pulled down one of his sleeves and playfully rubbed his arm-fur up against Zack's upper arm.

"Lucky bastard," Zack responded poutily. "This stuff doesn't protect me from so much as a light breeze," he said, pinching the fur on his arm to exemplify.

Ryan put on a look of fabricated sympathy. "Aww what a shame. Make sure to bottle your tears so I can drink them later."

Zack snickered at the strange jibe. "Only for you, Ryan," he said with a playful punch to the red panda's shoulder.

Ryan pretended to take offense at the action. "Hey, that mildly hurt!"

"Aww... Do you want me to kiss the bo-bo and make it better?" he asked, jokingly puckering his lips.

"Maybe I do," Ryan casually responded, causing a sly grin to form on Zack's muzzle.

"Well, maybe I do too..." the bat intoned in response.

But the implications of Zack's sudden response got him thinking... about them, as a couple. And it was then that a certain notion popped into the red panda's head.

"Hey, Zack?" Ryan asked, his tone suddenly serious and ears folded downward.

"Yeah?"

Ryan couldn't help but blush nervously when he found himself speaking his next sentence. "Would it be okay if, uh, maybe we... hold paws on the way back?"

Zack cocked his head as his gait slowed. "There are people out," he said with a hint of uncertainty, looking at the several other pairs of college-aged students walking along the moonlight streets. "They're going to see... Are you okay with that?"

Ryan smiled as confidently wrapped his paw around his boyfriend's claw. Despite the cold, Ryan felt the warmth that he knew and loved emanating from Zack's claw. Only tonight it felt stronger than ever.

"I think I'll survive."