Ander - Part 3: Subchapter 28
28
The pain was slipping away... no, that wasn't right. It was still there, but diluted. It was mixing with his rage, fusing with his fury into a brand new emotion he's never felt before. If Ander was still within his right mind, he might've compared this state to a cornered animal with nothing left to lose, but even that would have missed the mark.
A trapped mouse might bite at the giant, reaching claw in a desperate bid to survive, to keep drawing breath, to keep running through the fields, but it would not fight back out of a desire to hurt the one responsible for its pain and fear. It would not lust after the taste of blood. It would not seek to kill and kill until there was nothing left alive.
No, this thing he was feeling now, this thing draining him of all rational thought - it wasn't like the time he was forced to plunge an arrow into his brother's eye. That action was borne out of a need to protect, but this...
This was pure hatred, pain and anger, a desire to hurt without any sense of consequence.
This must be what Banno had felt like in his final moments, biting into the arm of the one who was trying to save him, not caring that he was killing himself along with his enemy, just as long as he could kill. It was as if they had switched places...
Not so different...
Ander's thoughts were breaking apart.
different
He could see the blood... blood everywhere... dripping
different
from his hand pooling on the ground blood everywhere everyone screaming
different
Ander
different
different
Ander
fire burning hate and pain in every soul never ending never it just keeps growing forever
different
everyone is already dead
different
so much blood on this blade his blood brothers' blood one and the same but never the same because
different
always
different
Ander
screaming in the firelight shadows in the dark light
Ander
words and curses and pain flying through the air hatred and teeth and claws Wolves staring their faces like monsters screaming his death screaming to kill closing in their faces the fury
Ander
pain and death and blood and murder
Ander
kill
Ander
kill I'll kill Ander I'll kill him I-
"I'll kill him!" A Wolf broke free from the pack, an axe raised high above his head. Ander could not remember this one's name, or even the concept of names. All he saw was yet another living piece of his pain, a piece of pain he could destroy. The more pieces he broke apart, the less pain would be left, the better he would feel. It was coming, screaming, not to kill, but to die.
Ander shot forward, his head held low, moving much faster than a Wolf with his injuries should be able to.
The Pain had enough time to widen its eyes, but no more. Ander crashed into it, the axe went flying through the air, and before it could even land, he had pinned the Pain to the ground. He stared into its frightened eyes, a monstrous growl issuing from his throat, bloody drool hanging from his lips. It didn't look like anything he recognized, just a wavering mix of colours and sounds, a steady pulse of contortion around the edges caused by the beating of his own heart, sharp and spiky, traveling to the centre like a backwards ripple, everything tainted red, as if his eyes were filled with blood.
And then it began.
Ander raked his claws across its chest, tearing long jagged trenches in its flesh, and the Pain screamed, all of it screamed, all the pieces, but Ander didn't care. It didn't even sound like screams to him, just noise, like a tree falling in a gale or a pot shattering against a wall. Just noise to signal that something was breaking apart. Something that was once whole, something that was once there, was no longer there.
The Pain tried to shield its face and neck from his claws, but the scratches appeared regardless, crisscrossing their way across its arms, its chest, its stomach, everywhere he could reach. Red lines opened up in diamond patterns and filled with blood seemingly faster than Ander could swing his arms, faster and faster, spinning them like the blades of the windmills from that other, distant life.
His mind briefly flickered back, and he almost remembered the name of that strange, beautiful place on the other side of the mountain, so
different
Ander
different
diferrent
Ander
you have to stop this
Kill.
the pain is too much
Kill.
the hole in
Kill!
your hand is
Kill!!
getting worse
KILL!!
Ander roared at the Pain like a wild animal and the Pain screamed in response, blood flowing from its shredded arms in streaks of red.
A strong pair of hands suddenly wrapped themselves around Ander's middle and hauled him away, screaming meaningless words in his ear.
"Get off him, you monster!"
Ander twisted around and saw more Pain. It had many different bodies
different
but all its masks were the same.
never the same always different all alone always alone forever alone
Ander swiped at the mask and tore at the face of his Pain, now revealed as the gory mess it really was underneath.
The Pain screamed, just like the other piece behind him, all of it wailing and howling at the setting moon, but Ander wouldn't let it hurt him any more. He's been in pain for too long. It was time to fight back, and he didn't care how much he got hurt in return, because you could not fight against pain without feeling it. All of it...
He pulled the Pain down to the ground. He was bigger than the Pain. It was easy.
The Pain fought back and punched him in the muzzle, but although Ander was aware of the brilliant flash of pain tearing through his broken nose, his rage overpowered it like a fire would overpower a snowflake, making it disappear with its presence alone.
The Pain tried again and Ander caught its strike with both hands and he squeezed until his claws popped through the skin and the Pain screeched in agony, punching and kicking, its blows not even connecting in its panic.
Ander brought its arm up to his mouth and he bit down with every ounce of strength in his jaws, not holding back, and a torrent of blood exploded between his teeth and splashed down on the Pain's screaming face.
"Nooo!! No, I'm sorry I'm sorry please let me go! Let me goooo!!"
Ander shook his head back and forth, growling like a wild beast. His teeth were locked in position at first, but as the meat tore he could feel them begin to slide around, losing their grip inside the wet, squelchy mush this thing was turning into.
"NooaaAAARGH!!"
A rock came sailing out of nowhere and smashed against the side of Ander's face so hard it actually split in two, but Ander was far beyond feeling such a trifling thing, or any of the dozens of other rocks pelting his arms, his legs, his back, cutting him open with their sharp edges.
There was only one thing left he could see and feel; the throat of the Pain wriggling beneath him. It was exposed. He could end it right now. He could make this tiny piece of his suffering vanish forever. There were hundreds more just like it, but if he could end one, then two, then three... he could end them all. He would be just as alone as he'd always been, but there would be no more Pain.
Ander opened his mouth and long red ropes of drool hung from his teeth and dripped down onto the Pain's horror-stricken face, still screaming and screaming, the veins in its neck standing out, pumping the blood which would soon join all the rest, an offering to the thirsty earth...
So then why was the Pain only becoming greater? Why did it hurt so much? Destroying all the Pain should make him feel better, so why!?
He could hear Banno's voice inside his head, so clear it was as if he had stepped right out of the shadows. It's not about the death, Ander. It never was. It's about the life, and the power that comes with taking it!
That's why. Everything you do, you take into yourself. Every feeling, every sensation, every experience, even those that come from outside, the moment you touch them, they become a part of you. Creation and destruction, ecstasy and pain, it's all on the inside.
The Wolf looked up at him, tears streaming from his eyes, cradling his mangled arm to his chest. "Mercy..." he whispered. "P-Please... mercy..."
Inflicting pain. Destroying pain. Creating pain. It's all pain. It all goes back inside. It all gets taken back inside.
"Mercy..."
It becomes a part of you.
Ander screamed in frustration. He didn't want more Pain inside of him. He didn't want to take all this into himself. He didn't want to become it. There was enough of it all around him. He didn't want this! He didn't want any of this!
He grabbed the Wolf and lifted him right off the ground with a thunderous roar, the weight bearing down on his shoulders absolutely excruciating, and he hurled the pitiful creature at the crowd with all the strength he could muster. It ploughed into the dirt in a cloud of dust and
Irro his name was Irro
some more pieces of Pain
other Wolves just like you but not like you you're different always different
came to drag him back to safety, still screaming his head off, leaving a crimson streak of blood in his wake.
Something gave out and Ander dropped down to one knee, even though he did not intend to do so. He gasped for breath, his throat raw and burning. His face felt hot, as if the bonfire was inside of him, and all the cuts and gashes and broken bones were actually the flames sticking out of his body, eating him from the inside out. The yolk of the egg... inside of him...
A hand gently came to rest on his shoulder, its touch feather soft. Ander turned his head.
It was Nilia
more Pain
and she
it
was holding the red dagger in her hand.
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