Dear Richard
In a town not too far away from a local town with a well known name, there were people walking around and minding their own business. Most were going to work or doing some kind of shopping when suddenly, one of them stopped.
He suddenly stood stalk still and stripped completely. He then stuck his left hand out to his side and proceeded to do a robot dance. Half way through he fell to his knees and slapped himself in the face three times. Then he grabbed a person's knee, and they too found themselves stripping. They got on their knees and started playing paddycake with the guy while singing "Tom Sawyer" by Rush.
This attracted the attention of 4 other people who all walked over and stood in a circle around them. They looked down, dropped their pants, and all jerked each other off (one was apparently a woman who'd somehow grown a dick). They all came on the line "catch the spirit, catch the spit", and subsequently caught the cum in their empty hands. Then they all turned around and gave each other hearty handshakes before doing the same to other random people. Those caught in the handshakes found themselves sniffing their dirty palms before inserting them in their pants and fondling their female genitalia (again, some were guys, but they'd developed vaginas somehow). They themselves all dropped to their knees as they came, their changed crotches sucking the male sperm up inside themselves and fertilizing their deposited eggs. This quickly developed and within a few seconds, they went through the full gestation period of a regular person, but instead each birthed 23 pidgeons.
Now, each of these pidgeons was, well... loaded. And so when they flew off, each in a different direction, it took them all of two seconds before they all shit themselves. The poo, which was expertly aimed, landed in the mouths of fifty yawning infants. None of them seemed to notice, and there were no signs of any intrusion once their mouths closed. The only thing they noticed was a bittersweet flavour in their mouths.
Ten seconds and five steps later for each, they also dropped to their knees. But what they ended up doing was grabbing the pants legs of their parents and begging them to buy whatever was in the window beside them. One boy pointed to a fire engine toy he saw. Another pointed to a bike. One little girl pointed to a mannequin of a lady wearing jeans and a turtleneck. Another pointed to a cake.
Each of the parents put up a protest for exactly twenty seconds before giving up and purchasing the objects. They then took them outside and the children promptly nodded at the items, dropped their pants, and shoved them in their bums. Each item fit perfectly and with no harm to either child or item. All showed a small round pot belly afterwards, and found themselves not wanting their pants, which of course their parents didn't mind.
"There, are you happy now?" each parent asked simultaneously in a completely different area of town.
Some of the children said yes. Others said no. The ones that said yes were all walking home. The ones that weren't were driving. The ratio of yes to no was roughly 60 40, and the 40 per cent that were unsatisfied were bought a second item of larger size which was then inserted with the help of their parents. At this point they were satisfied, and were ready to leave for home.
All fifty of the children arrived home at the same time, and when they did, they all sat on their doorsteps and soiled themselves. Those who had been satisfied merely peed and ran small golden waterfalls down their stairways. The ones who weren't left neatly twirled piles of stool.
Then, 30 dogs came to lick up the pee and 20 raccoons came out from their hiding places to devour the feces. All of these animals then walked to the park area near the middle of town and congrigated there, commenting on the flavours of their meals.
Then the raccoons, still being hungry, proceeded to swallow the dogs whole. Some got more than one dog, and others settled for a single helping. They then had a large coony orgy, and anyone who saw masturbated, because it was hot.
Now, those thirty dogs all had owners, and each suddenly knew what had happened to their dogs. They all got up from what they were doing and walked to the park where their dogs had been eaten, and witnessed the coony orgy. After masturbating, as all who witnessed it did, they walked over to the raccoons and politely asked them to stop in their fun and listen to them. The raccoons did and were greatly saddened by the pleas of the people. They each agreed that the only way to compensate was for the people to eat them in return. And so, some people ate whole raccoons, while others kindly asked the raccoons to half themselves so they could be divided evenly. The raccoons happily abliged and managed to rend their own bodies in perfect halves by neatly slicing a line across their bellies. All were happy and enjoyed the process, and so the coons perished peacefully.
Unfortunately, as the people would find out when they returned home, these raccoons gave them severe gas. So severe in fact, that each one that ate a full raccoon died of sulphur poisoning from the flatulation. The others survived, and each developed a great liking for their scent, making sure to note that raccoons made for excellent scent enhancers, but should only be partially consumed. Whole coons were dangerous.
By this time, the original two people were slapping their bloodied stumps of wrists together, now having moved on to a completely different tune 47 times over, and were finally getting bored. As such, they regrew their hands, kindly swapped genders, shook their regrown hands, redressed, and went home to masturbate thoughtfully over what had happened to them that day.
~
Far far away on a planet gratly unlike our own, a three eyed penis-like beast was diligently looking through a telescope with one eye while watching what he wrote with the other two. He noted things every few second and took a few more seconds to mark down a few things concerning those things. After he was satisfied that he'd noted all the things he'd needed to note about what he'd just witnessed in the town he'd been watching, he looked it over, and then doned a set of purple tinted three eyed reading spectacles and began to connect the notes and make even more notes about these things.
Behind him was a small group of other three eyed penis-beasts, all huddled together. They all seemed to be waiting for something.
Finally, after many a minute of said waiting, the original penis-thing stood up, turned to the group, removed his strange spectacles, and in a voice and language that sounded ridiculously alien and yet somewhat sensuous, he spoke:
"It's from Martha! She said she's having a boy!"
And there was much rejoicing amungst the penis-people.
~