Outcast - Chapter 12
#12 of Outcast
Chapter 12
The next week brought with it a mix of emotions so complex, as well as so many questions and doubts, to this day I still wonder how I made it through. In a mere handful of days, I'm sure I experienced a gamut of emotions most people take years. Of course, being a combination caregiver, dock worker, and martial arts student from the moment my eyes opened until they closed at night left little down-time. Add to that the feeling I interpreted as love growing in my heart, and you can see I was a cub with the weight of a galaxy on his shoulders.
I was still on day shift at the docks, which in truth suited me just fine. Rumours abounded about how exiles seemed more prone to end their lives during the swing and night shifts, when security and other forms of supervision were minimal at best. As it was, three more exiles had allegedly killed themselves over on the spaceport side of the operation during that second week. One of them had been foolish enough to walk into a reactor's maintenance chamber just as it was coming back online, giving him only a minute or two before the heat and radiation reduced his body to sludge. Before what happened to the ocelot I would have figured it to be a genuine suicide. Now, however, I wasn't so sure.
Maybe it was my own paranoia about my situation, but upon hearing about the death of another exile, I began to notice a few of my co-workers sharing a kind of smile or some other gesture. The thought that there was some kind of gang at the docks, singling out and executing exiles in the guise of suicides sent a chill up my spine. It was hard to concentrate on doing my job, realizing that at any moment someone could yell 'exile' and I'd be targeted. Gods...I would have been better off working around a group of Shatlia. At least around them I knew who I could and couldn't trust.
If the thought that I could potentially be exposed as an exile was bad, constantly finding myself accidentally exposed to Sharaya was worse. I didn't know if she was in a perpetual state of heat or not, but gods...I swear she'd seen me in the fur more than my own mother. She always had a way of showing up just as I was either coming out of the showers, or as I was getting changed at the end of my shift. Originally I thought my initial rejection of her would have been enough, but she seemed as determined to bed me as I was to avoid her.
From the few co-workers I felt comfortable around, I'd learned that Sharaya had the sex drive of the perfect Rondoki breeder. Hells, were it not for a small white mark on her muzzle she would have probably been taken in by that Clan years ago. I was one of very few who'd resisted her advances, which made me want to resist her advances even more. Granted, she could have probably taught me a thing or two about the art of mating, but my pride wouldn't let me be just another notch in her bed post.
Despite of my growing worry over being discovered I still managed to impress Allister with my work. By midweek I was getting a handle on some of the duties I'd be expected to perform solo by next week. While it wasn't a perfect solution, I found that focusing on any assigned tasks helped ease any growing fears that I was going to be found out. Most of the exiles I'd encountered so far had been listless, depressed individuals who didn't seem to give a damn about the job they were doing. So long as I didn't fall into that kind of attitude, I figured my secret would be safe.
While the job at the docks seemed to be improving, my training with Khrasa seemed to be going in the opposite direction. Now that Sensei knew my physical limits, he seemed determined to push me past them every time we met. For my first two training sessions that week I was subjected to a barrage of weight and cardiovascular training before learning anything about the art itself. Even then, what he was teaching me seemed pretty basic when compared to what I learned as a Clansman. Now, when I say basic, I mean the moves of a L'au Tari were mostly devoid of choreography or flair. Media companies looking to exploit a particular art for a movie would most certainly not use this one.
However, what it lacked in style, the art more than made up in effectiveness. I mean let's face it, martial arts isn't a sport, at least not at its root. It's combat, pure and simple...you against someone else. Whether you win or lose depends on three crucial things: How well you can read your opponent, how hard you can hit, and most importantly, how hard can you be hit.
This third point was something I think Sensei reveled in testing. At the end of each session, I was tested on any moves I'd learned via holo-sparring. Basically, Sensei had set up a holo-projector to create an unlimited array of opponents, from street thugs to warrior elite. I know, it doesn't sound like much, except this holo-projector's projections were as solid as flesh and bone. Any blows they landed on me were real, as was any pain I felt from them. And believe me, there was a lot of pain to be had.
Sensei wasted very little time on ramping me up when it came to sparring. I would get one, maybe two opponents that were easy enough to beat, but after that, things got brutal. Time and again I would attack, trying to land even a glancing blow against my opponent, and time and again I'd be beaten down with a precision so fine, it made me wonder why I was doing this in the first place.
For his part, Sensei did very little to guide me during these sessions. He'd simply point out what I did wrong, reset the holo-projector, and then wait for me to get back to my feet before uttering one simple word:
"Again."
And with that word, my humiliation would continue until I was sure not a single part of my body wasn't bruised, including my ego. Grandfather had always told me that anger in combat solved nothing, except to speed your own demise, but it was growing more and more difficult to not get angry...to let that simmering rage inside me explode. In the movies that's what would usually happen to the hero, who would then dismantle his or her opponent...not so in reality.
Be it fresh from the showers at work, or half-dead and bruised from head to toe from my training, the highlight of each day was the trip back to my dwelling. Knowing that Te'Ki was waiting there for me to welcome me home seemingly made everything I went through worth it. She was always there with open arms and deep, wet kisses the moment I opened that door, and on the warmer nights we would sit outside, wrapped around each other and either gazing up at the stars, or staring blankly at the wilderness that surrounded us.
When night finally came we would lie together and hold each other until sleep claimed us. Some nights we would merely hold each other, while others we would kiss, stroke, and tease each other's bodies, but always we denied ourselves that last act of consummation. To her, I think it became a bit of a game...how far could we go before we either went too far, or her nightly medicine dose kicked in? It was tantalizing and frustrating at the same time, but it always ended the same: She would fall asleep in my arms, and just before I closed my eyes I would kiss her forehead softly, and whisper gently into her ear:
"I love you..."
Before closing my eyes and letting sleep overtake me. All in all, the second full week of my exile had started off pretty well. I just wish it had stayed that way...
* * *
My vision was still spotty when I heard Sensei give his usual minimal indication that we were done for the night:
"That is all."
I struggled to get to my feet, my jaw feeling like it had been dislocated by that last punch. The holographic opponent - a female cheetah - was just dissolving as Sensei shut the projector down. Gods...bad enough I was getting my backside handed to me, but by a girl? Could my ego be any more bruised?
"Our next meeting will mark the beginning of your first retreat," he said as we began putting away the training equipment. "Bring bedding and enough clothing to last three days."
Three days...the entire weekend...and my Coming of Age was on the last day. Instantly, my thoughts turned to Te'Ki, and I suddenly realized the implications of what was about to happen. I hadn't told her yet about my training, instead making up some kind of excuse for coming home so late on my training days. I'd been worried that if she learned I was training as a L'au Tari that she'd up and leave in the middle of the night, not only leaving me alone but basically leaving herself vulnerable to the Therus Fever.
"Is there a problem?" Sensei asked, his voice bereft of any emotion.
"I...uh...no...no problem at all," I said, quickly re-focusing myself on helping with the cleanup. "I was just...nothing..."
I'd elected to not say anything to Sensei about Te'Ki. She was an issue unrelated to my training, and judging from the way Sensei talked to me, he was only interested in my training, not my personal life. I knew this day was coming, and when I first started taking care of Te'Ki, I figured I could just leave, come back three days later, and find her gone...hopefully cured.
Now, things were different...oh, gods, were they different.
I hadn't counted on falling in love with her, and I hadn't dreamed I'd have to reveal to her this little secret of mine. As I finished helping with the cleanup, my thoughts turned to facing her...to telling her that I was being trained in an art that some believe you had to sell your soul to learn. While she said very little about her religious beliefs, the little things she did when I was with her told me that her sense of religion was still very strong. This news would surely shatter any respect she had for me.
As I left Sesei's place and summoned a transit shuttle, I did what anyone in a situation like this would do: I decided to put it off for another day. I was too tired and too sore to deal with it, and I thought that maybe...just maybe...I could somehow show her that I hadn't sold my soul or any such garbage. Thing is, how do you convince someone that you're not in league with the Dark One, who's known as the Deceiver? How do you claim sincerity when that's exactly what He's known for?
Like I said, the weight of the galaxy was on my shoulders...and gods, was it beginning to ache.
* * *
When the morning of my impending departure arrived, we awakened the same way we had all week, namely with her in my arms. Like every morning, her scent was the first thing I took in, followed by her warm body next to mine. My ears picked up her gentle, soft purring, and my whiskers could taste the calm bliss she felt as she slowly awakened. Her smile, so warm and loving, this morning only brought a tear to my eye. As much as I wanted to stay strong, knowing that this could be my last day with her was heartbreaking.
"What's wrong?" she asked as we disentangled ourselves. I said nothing as I rose from our bed and proceeded to get dressed. Gods, I knew I had to tell her, but I wanted to draw it out...I wanted to prolong this illusion of us as a couple for as long as I could. The closer the moment came, the harder I found it to breathe...to think...to face her.
"Dalan? What is it?" The concern in her voice made my heart tighten. Finally, I resigned myself to the inevitable, and turned to face her.
"I...I won't be home tonight," I said. "I have to go away for a few days. It's something personal, Te'Ki...something I agreed to before we...before you came here."
She took a step back and continued to stare at me. "What is it?" she asked. "Are you in trouble? Is someone..."
"No...it's not like that," I said. This was going nowhere fast. Finally, I realized she would find out sooner or later...better it was sooner. "I...I'm training," I said.
"Training?" She eyed me with disbelief. "Exiles can't train in any arts...unless..." I watched as her eyes widened, and I felt my heart sink. She knew...even without my saying it, she knew. "H...how did you...find one?" she asked.
"He found me," I said. I told her about the midnight visit Sensei had paid me at the hospital during my recovery, and his arrival here the morning after I'd buried the Tameki children. I told her about the offer, and that I couldn't pass up such an opportunity...not when it potentially meant a chance at retribution against the thieves who'd put me in this state.
I took a step towards her but she backed away. Her eyes still showed fear, but they also seemed to show something else. I wasn't sure of it then, but I know now it was a look I'd have to deal with for years to come...the same look I'd see on nearly every muzzle I looked at.
A look of...reverence...
"Te'Ki," I said. "I...I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but I was scared you...you'd run before you were well." She said nothing. "You're welcome to stay here," I said, moving towards my little pile of clean clothing. Soon I had enough packed away to last the entire weekend, along with some extras just in case. "You're still sick, and will be until you finish the treatment." I nodded towards the nearly empty bucket. "If you want to leave," I said, "then at least do me the honour of finishing the tea and being well again. After that, your life is yours again to do with as you wish." I managed a small smile, hoping to elicit some kind of response.
She said nothing, but merely stared at me as I moved towards the door. We shared one last look before I turned away...and left her alone...
* * *
The day dragged on longer than any day I'd ever known. Even my most gruelling day in rehabilitation paled by comparison. The pain I used to put my body through was nothing compared to the pain in my heart...that constant, nagging ache for what I'd done.
If only I'd told her...would it have made a difference? The look on her face when she realized what I was...no mere three words could have helped that...could they?
I tried to lose myself at work...to focus my attention on the task at hand. It worked a bit, but by the end of my shift I was too mentally exhausted to even deal with Sharaya. As usual, she flirted with me as I was getting changed, but instead of playing along I ignored a large part of her little act. I think she took it as a sign that my resolve was failing. The only thing that was failing, though, was my patience for her. I'd already blown one chance at intimacy with someone...I wasn't ready for another.
I was only too happy to be finished my work day, but began to dread what was coming next. When I arrived at the dance studio, Sensei was already standing outside a skimmer, the trunk ready for whatever I'd packed. Reluctantly I threw my knapsack and sila mat in before climbing into the passenger's seat. I'd barely closed the door before we were moving.
I couldn't see much as we left Karalla City behind. Away from the lights, the night seemed to swallow us whole. All I could see was whatever the headlights revealed, and it wasn't much. The road we were travelling was no jetway, that was for certain. In places, this road only offered one lane per direction...something unheard of in the city. I began to wonder just how remote this retreat was going to be.
I don't know how long we drove. It could have been an hour...two hours...hell, an entire week could have gone by as far as I knew. All I could see outside was darkness. It was overcast, so even the stars were invisible to me.
Sensei didn't help things much by being silent. I mean granted, he was only my teacher, but if we were going to spend the next three days together, cut off from civilization as I knew it, it would have been a lot nicer to have someone to talk to. Maybe the L'au Tari were so used to being in their primal shapes that conversation just wasn't one of their stronger points. Or maybe he was just so disgusted with me for being such a mediocre student.
Thoughts of the past week danced through my head, accompanied by a homemade laugh track each time I hit the floor, which had been many. Sensei had said very little during that week, and I started wondering if this was going to be the last straw. Was this first retreat my last chance?
We finally arrived at what appeared to be a clearing in the middle of nowhere. There was a modest cabin of sorts off to one corner...a place not much larger than my dwelling, a fire pit, and a storage shed. At least, that was all I could see in the night.
I opened the skimmer door and breathed in deeply. The air was cool and crisp, and bereft of the smells of the city. Out here I the air was thick with the fragrance of nature. From the trees and flowers to the clean water of a nearby stream...it was like the perfect getaway.
"Get your things and leave them by the door," Sensei said. "Then join me." I did as I was told, reminding myself that this was no vacation...this was part of my training. By the time I reached the fire pit, Sensei was already seated. I sat opposite him and watched as the fire built in heat and light as it consumed the wood there. Soon the light from the fire was bright enough that it blacked out everything around me...except my teacher.
"In the city," he said, "I can teach you to fight like a L'au Tari. But here...here is where you will learn to be a L'au Tari." He looked away from the fire for a moment. "We are creatures of nature, Dalan...no matter how much we may deny it, we are only a few steps ahead of the creatures that came before us. We mask our true selves with things like skimmers, buildings of concrete and steel, and electronic toys to make our lives easier. But take that all away, and we are little more than two-legged versions of our four-legged brothers."
I suddenly looked around, wondering if one of those 'four-legged brothers' was out there now, watching us. Strong as I was, the thought of having to deal with a feral was still unsettling to say the least. "Fear not," said Sensei. "It is too early in the season for them to be this high. And they will leave us be, so long as we do not provoke them."
I nodded and returned my gaze to the fire and to Sensei. "You have many questions," he said, looking right at me. "And they will be answered in time...but for now, you must answer my question...why are you here?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but then stopped. Why was I here? Why did I decide to come up here in the middle of gods know where, to spend the next three days undoubtedly getting my backside handed to me in wave after wave of sparring matches, when I could have blown him off and spent my Coming of Age in the arms of someone I'd probably never see again? Was I that insane, or that willing to commit myself to something that would forever mark me as an outcast, even if I did regain my honour?
"I...I'm here to learn," I finally said. "I'm here to learn to be a L'au Tari."
"Why?"
"So I can fight," I said. "And find those who stole the Ka'al P'ack and...and..."
"Avenge yourself?"
I stopped again. Vengeance? Was I even old enough to consider something like that? Normally cubs my age are more interested in their favourite toys and playing with their friends, and here I was, actively seeking to hunt down those four thieves and repay them in kind for what they did to me. Had this become my life? Had my becoming an exile damned me to such a path? It was a rotten thought, but it also stood to reason. Exiles were the kind of people forced to grow up quickly, lest they fall prey to other exiles, or even the Clans, as the Tameki children had. Kill or be killed...survival of the fittest...that was the way of the exile. It seemed I was indeed on the path to vengeance, so I nodded in reply.
By this time, the initial fire had died down a bit. It was low and warm...the kind one could easily use for cooking...or as a backdrop for something a little more intimate. It would have been by a fire like this, I think, that Te'Ki and I would have finally made love had I not come up here. No doubt she thought me a servant of the Dark One now, and was probably gone forever. I just hoped she'd finished her treatment.
"So," said Sensei finally. "You wish to fight for vengeance. You'd like to face your attackers and tear them apart in a fit of blind rage?" I nodded, though my heart was pounding at the thought of it. It's one thing to throw a punch at someone...it's quite something else to rip out one's windpipe and watch as your opponent gasps for breath as he or she drowns in their own blood. Still, this was what I'd agreed to, so I merely nodded again.
"I see," he said. "Then tell me...what do you see before you?"
I looked for a moment, then answered him. "I see a low fire."
"This fire," he said, "is a soul, Dalan...much like your own...much like my own. Tranquil, warm, and serene...that is the soul." Suddenly, his hand moved over the fire, but before I could inquire what he was doing the fire seemed to explode before me. What had been an ideal cooking fire had suddenly turned into an immense white fireball that would have singed me had I not rolled away.
When I looked back, I saw that the fireball had all but disappeared, and the fire had returned to normal...though it seemed dimmer somehow. "What...what was that?" I asked.
"That was rage," he said. "And this is vengeance." He moved his hand over the fire again, and this time I saw something drop from it into the fire. Again, the low fire erupted into an immense fireball, which disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared. And, as before, the fire now seemed even weaker than it had after the first eruption. I re-took my place before the fire and stared at Sensei.
"Rage and vengeance burn brightly," he said. "They also burn hot, filling your body with what you need to accomplish your goal. But here," he nodded to the fire, "you can see the consequences of such an act. A soul cannot live only for vengeance, Dalan...with nothing else to fuel it, the soul would simply die."
"Then what fuels the soul?" I asked.
"What do you miss most about your former life?" he countered. "What things make your current status nearly unbearable?"
It wasn't a hard question to answer. "I miss my Mother...my grandparents...my brothers and sisters...I miss those evenings when we'd all gather around the fire with cups of hot chakrala and listen while Pa'la told stories of the old times. I miss just being around my family and friends."
"Those are what fuel the soul, Dalan," he said. "Above all things, family fuels the soul the most. Family, and love, both give the soul the much needed fuel to not only survive, but endure those few times when rage and vengeance are necessary. The stronger your soul is, the better you'll weather the storm."
"So...my reason," I began. "My quest...isn't for vengeance...it's for family. My quest is for family."
Sensei nodded...and then he did something I never thought I'd ever see him do.
He smiled.
* * *
Had it been the mountain air, or had it been the talk from the night before? Somehow, I don't think I'll ever really know. All I do know is that the next day my training took on a facet I never thought it could have.
Away from the city...from the distractions that had become my life...away from the constant threat of violence at the hands of the Clans, my mind and body both seemed to open up, ready to absorb all of Sensei's teachings that I could. Every routine and drill I was given, I executed without question regardless of the outcome. I hung on his every word, my brain starving for his knowledge. My body yearned to put into practice that which he was teaching. I wanted to learn...to grow...to evolve into whatever it was destiny had laid out for me.
The sparring matches were still an exercise in learning how to best hit the ground and not feel hurt, but I no longer felt frustrated from losing. Granted, I chastised myself for messing up a technique I was taught, but instead of letting that rest in my mind, I merely re-set myself and tried again. With such a mindset, I began actually scoring a few good hits on the target holos. Still, I knew I had a long way to go before I was ready for...
For what, exactly?
During the second evening, Sensei and I were seated before the fire, each of us eating a dinner of Twaro strips and vegetables all simmered in some kind of sauce and served with rice. I had to admit such a meal far outdid the stew I'd been eating with the Foundation.
"You seem troubled," Sensei said. "Normally you eat much more quickly."
"Hm?" I looked down at my bowl and realized I'd barely eaten a thing. I took a few mouthfuls without saying anything, washing it all down with some water. "Just have a bit on my mind, I guess."
"Such as?"
I sighed. "I've just been thinking...about that first night here and when I said my quest was for family." I took another mouthful of food. "They never helped me when I was exiled...they just stood there and watched as Father..." I still couldn't put into words what he'd done to me. Absently I ran my hand over the scar on my chest. "Maybe my quest should be for something else."
"A wise man once said: 'Don't find fault with the Clansman...find it with the Clans.'" I looked up at him. "Dalan, we all like to think we are special...that we matter in the great makeup of the universe. We all want to believe that our lives are the most important ones out there, and that nothing is larger than that."
He finished his meal before continuing. "But the fact is, such uniqueness is reserved only for the very few," he said. "Soldiers know this fact, which is what makes them so willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good. They know the value of their lives in relation to the whole, and therefore can face their deaths with honour, despite how futile their deaths may be."
"So...I'm nothing to them, then," I concluded. I stared down at my half-eaten meal. I was beginning to lose my appetite.
"I did not say that," he said. "But your life, when viewed against the continuity of the Clans, is comparatively insignificant. Your family did what it had to do in order for it to survive."
"Survive?"
"You have already witnessed the lengths to which the Clans will go to serve protocol." He was of course talking about the Tameki children...about their murder. "Imagine if your family had gone against the overall feelings of the Clans and not punished you. Imagine then what your life would have been like...and how many of your so-called friends would still be willing to associate with you."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Sensei was defending what my family...my family...had done to me. For a heartbeat I considered finishing this little 'retreat' and then never seeing him again. How could he say such a thing? How could he even suggest my family would do such a thing? It made no...sense...didn't it?
"Life is often unfair," said Sensei after a time. "Sometimes, choices need to be made that hurt the few, but preserve the many." I finally put down my bowl. My hands started to shake and try as I might I couldn't stop them. After two weeks of nothing but distraction...of being there for everyone...of trying to put my life back together the despair all seemed to finally catch up with me. In spite of Grandfather's visit...despite my training...hell...despite everything...all of it seemed worthless now.
The tears were quick to come and were relentless. The sobs started quietly enough, and I did my best to keep them inside. I wouldn't show weakness in front of my teacher...I'd done more than enough to prove to him I wasn't worthy of his time or training...I wouldn't drive the point home any further. I wiped my eyes in an effort to stop the tears but it did no good. I buried my muzzle in my hands and continued to cry. I didn't want to break down like this in front of Sensei, but I couldn't help myself.
"Feed on it."
I barely heard his words through my ringing ears. The past two weeks...no...the past year now came crashing down in my mind, flooding it with white noise. It felt as though a million voices were all talking to me at once, threatening to drown my sanity in their insistent voices. My hands began to shake more violently and I moved them away from my muzzle.
"Feed on it."
I clenched my fists, letting my budding claws extend. Were they any longer or sharper I would have jabbed them into my leg to have something upon which to focus. In that moment I needed some kind of clarity...some way to deal with the voices...the accusations...the endless demands being yelled at me in my mind.
"Feed on it."
My stomach churned and knotted. My insides felt as though they would explode. My heart beat faster...faster...faster still. My mind felt like it was turning in on itself...devouring itself in an effort to escape the onslaught any way it could. Deep down I could feel the beginnings of something. Something deep inside me seemed to be gathering strength...a growing tension of some sort...an insane kind of elation that felt joyous, terrible, and perverse all at the same time. At the same time it made perfect sense to me, and also made no sense at all. I smiled in spite of my tears...wondering if I was truly going mad.
_ "FEED ON IT!" _
I craned my neck to the heavens and roared for all I was worth. It was a half roar, half scream that burned my throat like fire. In my mind's eye I could see myself spewing fire out of my mouth, or was it spirits? I fully expected the gods to answer back with thunder and wind each time I cried out. Of course, they were silent...why wouldn't they be? I was just some cub cut loose from the pack as an offering to the Fates...a sacrifice in the name of protocol and ritual. Why would the gods bother with someone like me?
When my throat was to hoarse to continue, I collapsed on the ground, still whimpering softly. I felt completely drained of everything. The despair was gone, but gone also was the hope I'd had before. All those thoughts of somehow regaining my honour...of returning to my family. None of that felt there anymore. It was as if with those screams of agony not only had I exorcised my demons, they took with them everything else I had. I was empty now...a mere shell of a person.
Sensei helped me to my feet and I numbly moved towards the cabin where my bed lay. He spoke not a word to me as he helped lay me down. He did offer my shoulder one quick squeeze before he too retired for the night, but he said nothing. Perhaps it was for the best that he remained silent. At that point in my life, I needed a lot more than mere words to cure me of this empty feeling inside.
A lot more indeed...
* * *
I awoke reluctantly the next morning. I barely tasted the breakfast Sensei had prepared for us, and only half-heartedly nodded as he bade me to accompany him on a pre-dawn trek up a mountain path. The morning sky was a dull grey, and it seemed far colder out than it had the previous two mornings here. Thinking back, I wonder how much of that cold was from me not being overly enthusiastic about the whole endeavour. I was still drained from the night before, and my soul felt like a mere pile of ash. All of Sensei's talk of rage and vengeance seemed worthless to me now. It felt as though I'd all but consumed myself the night before, and he'd encouraged it. I couldn't understand why he'd do such a thing, especially after warning me about that very thing.
It took us about an hour to reach our destination, which was a small plateau just above the tree line and on the opposite side of the mountain from our cabin. From that vantage point, I looked out across the expanse of the Karalla Mountain range. While the sun had yet to break over the horizon, the view was still nothing short of breathtaking, despite how I was feeling. The higher peaks were still capped with snow and ice, and I recalled stories of thrill-seekers who climbed these mountains for the mere challenge. At that moment, I began to understand just why they did.
Sensei stood beside me, saying nothing. He merely stared out onto the horizon like I did. I was about to ask why we were here when I saw the sky begin to change colour. From that pre-dawn grey, the sky seemed to brighten into first a deep, fiery red, then an orange, and then finally a blazing yellow as the sun finally rose. The snow-capped peaks I could see now seemed to glow with inner light, and the dull dark grey of the rock suddenly came alive as the sun's rays poured over everything. It was a sight unlike anything I'd ever seen before...anywhere.
"It's...beautiful," I whispered. I looked to him and he stared back, his muzzle holding a neutral gaze, but with a hint of a smile.
"How do you feel?" he asked.
"I...I don't know," I said. "I mean, I feel good...but I shouldn't, should I? After all that's happened? I should feel dead inside, but I don't." I turned away and stared out over the plateau again. The valley below was a play of light and shadow, as the persistently growing sunlight began forcing the mountains' shadows to release their grip on the darkness. Inside that was how I felt...as if the sunlight was doing more than just chasing away the shadows in the valley...but also chasing away the darkness within me. "I don't get it," I said. Sensei half looked at me.
"I have brought a number of people here," he said softly. "Always on the dawn of the third day...after the purging."
"Have there been many?" I asked.
"Not as many as you might think, young one," he replied with a wry smile. "Each one of them, the night before, has gone through what you have. They've all confronted the truth of their lives, and all of them have seen just how insignificant they are in the face of life." He sighed. "Many of them could not come to full terms with such a revelation, and more than once I've seen them hurl themselves off this very cliff."
I instinctively took a step back. My stomach churned at the thought of someone else standing where I was, and then flinging themselves off this place only to land in a broken, bloody heap in the valley below. As low as I was feeling, such a thought hadn't crossed my mind until he'd mentioned it.
"Did you think I would do the same?" I asked.
"Admittedly, I did for a moment," he said. "But when the sun rose, I knew the gods were pleased."
"The gods?" I looked at him as I felt my own religious reactions rise. Ke'an wasn't a god...he was a Patron of the gods. According to scripture, our kind had lost favour with the gods of old during the time of the Warlords. The Patrons, who were once mortal, led a massive crusade against the Warlords, and in the end ascended to P'ou Lan to serve as liaisons between mortals and the gods.
What Sensei had just said to me, in the eyes of any Clan priest, would be seen as heresy. However, he made no move to apologize or recant what he'd said. Instead he merely continued.
"Of course," he said. "The sun touched you with its first rays this morning...a sign that the gods look favourably upon you."
"How can that be?" I asked. "The Patrons said..."
"The Patrons are the gods of the Clans," Sensei interrupted. "Mere icons manifested from a world gone mad with power and sin." He looked out at the sun. "But the gods, Dalan...the true gods...they are for anyone willing to find them."
"But I wasn't looking," I said.
Sensei looked down at me once again. "Perhaps, Dalan," he said, "they were looking for you."
I shivered at that thought.
* * *
The rest of the day was spent much like the others had been. After descending from the plateau we went straight into my training. While mechanically I seemed to be improving, putting my new skills to any practical use wasn't so easy. I still hit the ground more times than I wanted to, but it wasn't as painful or humiliating as it had normally been.
That evening we packed everything back into the skimmer and began our descent down the mountain. It was pitch black as we drove, and Sensei had grown as quiet as he had when we came here in the first place. I didn't mind so much, though...the closer we got to the city, the more my mind was filling with thoughts of Te'Ki.
By now her treatment regimen was over, and given that look she'd given me before I left she was probably long gone. My biggest regret was that I never had the chance to tell her how I really felt about her...that I was falling in love with her. However, given what I was doing with my life, such a thing wouldn't have made any difference. The art of the L'au Tari was a taboo amongst the Clans, and her shocked expression told me it wasn't exactly the best thing for the Tribes.
I was going to miss her, of that I was certain. Her voice, her company...her touch...she'd been one of the few things that had kept my mind from sinking too far into its own despair these past couple of weeks, and with her gone, I wasn't sure how I'd be able to cope with the silence. Granted, I knew Grandfather would probably come around once in a while, but it wouldn't be the same.
The first few signs of civilization loomed before us, and it wasn't too long after that we were in one of the outlying communities of Karalla City. It was late enough that most everyone was safely tucked away in their beds, either alone or with someone. I started thinking about what kind of life Te'Ki and I could have had if she'd stayed. The dwelling would only have been a short-term solution for us. In time we would have found some place far from anything to do with Clans, Tribes, exiles, Shatlia...all of it. We would have made a life for ourselves and been happy.
I smirked as I thought of it. Gods...even before she learned of my training, I didn't know if her feelings for me were the same. Still, we can all dream, can't we?
"We are here," Sensei said. I blinked twice and looked out the skimmer window to see us parked by his studio. "I trust you can make it to your dwelling on your own." I nodded. "Good. By my estimation, you should be starting your swing shift this week. You will train before your shift begins. Until then."
I got out of the skimmer and grabbed my gear from the opened trunk. The moment I closed the trunk the skimmer sped off, leaving me alone. With a small sigh I hefted my gear over my shoulder and set off in the direction of my dwelling...a good two hour walk away. I could have summoned a transit shuttle, but I needed the walk...I needed the physical exertion. I knew I was going to be exhausted when I arrived there...perhaps that was a good thing; the faster I could fall asleep, the less I'd have to think about what I'd lost in the pursuit of this gift of mine.
This gift...this curse...
http://feeds.feedburner.com/podshow/outcast