Zarvaun Understands Karma
"What do you mean?" Zarv asked nervously, quivering in his chair."We mean exactly what we said," I said, pacing back and forth in front of him, "Since you got smug, lost first, and wet yourself, I've decided you're going the rest of the evening in a diaper.""But- You've lost plenty of games-" The sergal tried to reason."And I've taken the punishment for all the times I've lost. I mean, you remember how our Friday Night Magic sessions work, don't you?" I asked him. Charlie and Jack could be heard in the kitchen having a magicfest."Wait, what?!" I heard Charlie say.Jack responded, "I lose a creature, you sacrifice one. What's so confusing about that?""Buh- But... Jack lost a game too!" Zarvaun pleaded. "That wasn't the four way game. Are you having amnesia?" I asked with a chuckle, "Or are you that desperate to take the punishment off yourself since you've never lost first before?""That's not fair, Jack!" I heard the chipmunk exclaim."What? That you have to pay three life to keep my creatures dead?" the husky responded.The sergal shook his head and crossed his arms, in the most childish way possible, even though he was currently the oldest of the bunch. "You can't make me!""Maybe I can't, but what if you can't stop yourself? Like, I dunno, being possessed by a certain wolf?" I hinted."Stop that, Jack!" Charlie complained."But I wanna kill you with Athreos!" the husky replied."Eugh- wolf stench in my brain. Nah, that's not happening. Damnit, Frostbutt, this is so unfair!" Zarvaun complained. "And me being forced to drink ten Mountain Dews and not be able to go to the bathroom is?!" I asked rhetorically."Oh c'mon, I'd gladly take that punishment!" The sergal announced, trying to wiggle his way out of it once again."Which is why I didn't bestow it upon you. Punishments aren't to be enjoyed in the traditional sense." I explained."What? Wait, no!" Jack yelled."No what? No responses?" Charlie asked smugly."It's still not fair..." The sergal
complained. "But I'm not having that damn wolf taking me over. Just give me the damn thing." Zarvaun continued half angrily half annoyed."Here. The bathroom is at your disposal." I said, giving him the garment, "Don't forget to join us for more games afterward. At least there's no penalty for the rest of the night.""Damnit, you annoying little toddler!" Charlie yelled."I'm seven right now, Charlie." Jack said, feigning confusion.Zarvaun turned around one more time to face me, "I still don't wanna do this. Do I have to?" he sighed grumpily."No reason to be so grumpy about it, otherwise it'll be a long night." I said, crossing my arms, "Maybe you'll enjoy it!" I called as he slammed the bathroom door."I won!" Jack announced happily."Did ya now?" I asked as though talking to an actual seven year old. Since, you know, our minds are quite in tune to our ages, "Then I guess you get the first rare of the night." I pulled out the deck of rare and mythic rare Magic cards in my pocket, holding them out for him to pick a card."This one!" he chirped, pulling a card, "Tymaret, The Murder King...I think this might be what I'm missing from my Rakdos sacrifice deck.""I'd go see if I were you." I advised, and then the sergal returned as the husky bounded off."I'ma kill you, Frostbutt." Zarvaun said, standing there in a diaper, now matching the rest of the group."Well I didn't say you had to go without pants." I defended."Well you didn't exactly specify that I could wear them, did you!?" The sergal snapped as he started pulling his pants over the rather thick garment."You aren't very observant, are you?" I asked with an apologetic smile."It is, Frost!" Jack called from upstairs."Okay! Well get down here, we're about to start again!" I answered.Zarvaun sighed as he stepped to the table and sat down carefully, dramatically overacting his reaction to the new clothing. "Ugh... Anyway, Frostbutt... I made this deck a few days ago. I'm sure I won't lose this time. Plus, It'll be interesting to see how it turned out." He said as he shifted a bit, and cracked his knuckles."Is it standard? Cuz I'd prefer it to be." I said as I sat down, "Standard is more tame."
The sergal's grin was enough of an answer, and I sighed."Alright, I'm ready!" Jack yipped as he entered the room."We've been ready." Charlie muttered, being bitter about not getting the Murder King."Anyway, Jack can start." Zarvaun suggested, subtly containing excitement."Okay! I'll play a Mountain to start us off!" Jack said."And I'll draw, assuming you can't play anything." I added, drawing when the husky happily shook his head, "Yuck, I'm mulliganing. Uh...I'll play a Mountain and pass the turn.""I'll draw then." Charlie replied, "I'll Temple of Triumph, scrying one, and keeping it there.""Alrighty. My turn, I assume." The sergal said slightly smirking, slightly deep in thought as he drew his hand plus one, "Oh, wow. This is just fantastic!" The sergal said before I cut him off. "Well I hope what you're wearing is reminder enough to contain your pride." I said casually."Diaper or no, this is a great hand for the amount of work I put into it." The sergal mentioned."Just don't get too smug." I suggested."Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'ma play a Forest. Now then, I'ma tap that Forest and put a Fastbond on the field.""Oh, that card." I commented nonchalantly, "Have fun stabbing yourself out of desperation.""What's it do?" Jack asked, squinting at the card."It basically allows me any number of lands I want in a turn. And using that, I'll toss out a Mox emerald, as well as two more Forests." The sergal said, trying to control his excitement as best he could."At the cost of two life, Zarv." I reminded him."Mhmm, I can do that." He said moving his die to 18, "Now then, I'ma just tap those three mana sources, and bring out a very special card, very dear to me-""Which is?" Charlie asked with a raised eyebrow."Horn of Greed." Zarvaun announced playing it on the field."I swear you cheat." I accused."I never said this was a standard deck, ya know." Zarvaun reminded me."I still think you cheat." I persisted, resting my head on one of my hands."It's just luck, I swear, Frost Breath." The sergal continued."Just get on with yourself." Jack said impatiently."Will do! Now then, I'll play the last two cards in my hand, and take another two damage for another two Forests. That also allows me to draw two cards.""And that puts you at sixteen on the first turn. Bravo, Shark Face, bravo." I sarcastically commended, clapping slowly."With six tappable mana... Actually, make that seven. I drew a Mox Emerald." the sergal corrected, playing the Artifact."And in response to that Mox, I'mma Spark Jolt ya for another damage." I said, showing him the Instant."Sure thing, Bud." The sergal said, taking off another point of life. "Now... I just got three mana on the field, Which means I can play the final card in hand, Courser of Kruphix." "Which seems to be the only standard spell you've played. I haven't scryed yet, by the way." I added, "Wait...you get to play infinite mana at no penalty now... Damnit... Anyway, I guess that card can stay there."Zarvaun ceremoniously turn over the top card of his library as his Courser forced him to do, revealing a copy of said card. "Well... I guess that's where my luck stops, huh?" Zarvaun announced as his smile faded. "Still... Seven mana in turn one...""My turn, anyhow." Jack said, drawing a card, "I'll play a Mountain, drawing a card from your Horn. Then I guess I'll pass my turn over to Frosty.""Sure." I said, drawing, "I'll play a Temple of Abandon, and its ability triggers first, letting me decide if I wanna draw my top or next to top card. I'll draw that card.""Can I assume my turn?" Charlie asked, I nodded, "Okay, draw! I'll play a Mountain, draw a card, and play a Favored Hoplite.""Sure deal." I said."My turn already?" Zarvaun asked, then drew when the chipmunk nodded. "Yup, there's the Courser. I'll go ahead and play that before I reveal my top card." He said as he tapped the mana. The top card was a Forest, which the sergal played to gain two life and draw a card, which he had to reveal to us first, which showed us that another Forest was entering his hand, but he played that to gain a life and draw another card, which was another Forest. He, of course, played that to gain a life and draw a card. This card was Kozilek, Butcher of Truth. The top card of his library was a Temple of the False God, which he
played as I began to growl. He then gained his fourth life that turn, bringing him back up to twenty. The card he drew was another Horn of Greed, which he played, then he revealed the top card of his library dramatically while I prayed it was a nonland.I swore when it was a Forest.He was now at twenty one and had an extra two cards, which were both Forests. He played one of these to draw another two cards, a Worldly Tutor and a Mox Emerald. He played the other Forest to draw two more cards and get another life, and the two cards were another two Horns."Okay, okay. Slow down, Zarvaun the Explorer." I interrupted, "So you have two Horns of Greed, a Kozilek, a Worldly Tutor, and a Mox Emerald in hand, you've tapped six mana so far this turn, and you have...five, six, seven...eight, nine...ten, twelve...twelve total lands, which one is a Temple of the False God, and that Temple is tapped...but then you have two tapped Mox Emeralds, which tap for one green mana each, and you played the Courser before the Temple, so you had to tap a Forest for the third mana.""Uhh..." The sergal looked at his battlefield curiously. "Yeah... That looks about right, I think.""But all your Forests are still untapped here." I observed."I was getting to that! It's not easy keeping up with this insanity drawing." The sergal sighed as he tapped two of his eleven Forests."Well, duh it's not." I said with a chuckle."But wait, there's more!" Zarvaun announced as he revealed another Temple, playing it before getting cut off by me."I know your whole hand, so I know there's more. You have eleven mana now, and the two cards you draw are what? A Worldly Tutor, and A Molimo, Maro-Sorcerer. Damn, Zarv, you're gonna mill yourself! And I don't like that Molimo! My friend gave it to my other friend for his commander deck, and that was not fun to be killed by.""I'll try to make it as fun as possible this time." the sergal said before revealing another top card from his library. His smug smile was replaced by concentration as he began to enter Trigger City. He then played a Forest from the top of his deck to put a Temple of the False God into his hand as well as another Forest."Okay, let me straighten this out, cuz I'm getting a headache." Jack complained, "You have, in hand, a Molimo, a Kozilek, two Worldly Tutors, two Horns of Greed, a Forest, a Temple of the False God and a Mox Emerald in hand?""Precisely!" the sergal
confirmed."That's nine cards. You also have eleven available mana in the form of nine Forests, and a Temple of the False God."The sergal shuffled in his seat a bit before speaking. "Yeah, everything checks out... I think. Now then, before I get more confused, I'ma tap ten mana and toss out Kozilek.""Fluffing hell." I swore, "Wait, no! Your graveyard and Kozilek and...bah!!!""Yup. I also draw four cards." The sergal mentioned as he added to his hand a Worldly Tutor, a Fastbond, and two more Forests, showing them off. The top card was another Forest."Is your deck half lands, Zarv?" I asked."Mmmmaaaybe-" He answered. "I drew two more Forests, from that one getting played, by the way."I sighed, facepawing, "Twenty-six life. Think you can chill for the turn?""Whew. Top cards a Courser." Zarvaun sighed lightly."That's not 'Whew'! That makes it harder to kill you!" I complained. Charlie and Jack were rustling around awkwardly in their seats."Uhm, Zarv? Why must you make such ridiculous decks? Can't you have a standard one for once?" Charlie asked."I always win if I play standard; this makes the game much more interesting, don't you think?" the sergal mused."And a bit aggravating." Jack added, "I wanna take my turn already!""Alright, alrighty. I don't have the mana for anything else except a single Worldly Tutor, which lets me put a creature from my library on top, which I'll play. However, Frostbite, if you'd be so kind as to take two damage from my Courser?""What all do you have on the field?" I asked, "A Kozilek, two Coursers? That it?""Pretty much. I'm putting an Emrakul on top." the sergal answered. "Fine, but I'm Spark Jolting you for one." I growled, "I'm keeping the scryed card on top.""All yours, Jack. Have fun!" Zarvaun said excitedly."I'll try." the husky meeped, drawing his card, "Wait, you have to discard!""Fine then, I'll discard three Forests, one Horn, one Temple, and... This useless Fastbond." the sergal huffed."Anyway, I'm playing a Swamp, so I draw two cards." Jack narrated, "I'll
play an Agent of the Fates, and then I pass my turn.""I go then." I announced, drawing my card that I've already seen, "I'll play a Forest and draw two cards. I'll play a Satyr Hedonist and a Satyr Hoplite and pass my turn.""Kay!" Charlie said, drawing. "I'll play a Plains and draw two cards. Then I'll play two Launch the Fleets on my Hoplite and swing for three, make that five with the tokens, at Zarv.""I'll take it all." He replied as he moved to change his die."Good, I guess." Charlie said."Zarv's turn, regrettably." I sighed."Yay!" the sergal said, pulling the expected Emrakul and flipping up a Courser. "Alrighty... I'll tap all but three mana, which is a total of fifteen to pull out Emrakul." "And, we're doomed." I muttered."Yes we are." Jack seconded."Hey! Don't give up hope, guys!" the sergal smiled as he placed the creature onto the field."You get an extra turn, Zarv. Look at the field. Attacking any of us would bring our defenses down to where your extra turn is pretty much enough to get you winning." I explained."Shh... Just lemme do mah thing, kay?" He said back before continuing. "Now then, Next turn drawing the Courser and placing down a Mox Emerald, revealing a Ulamog, The Infinite Gyre from the top of my library." "Just hurry up, Diaper Butt." I growled."Two Temples and three Forests to bring out Molimo." the sergal said after cringing at the diaper comment."So its a 14/14?" I asked."That's right. Now then... Frostbite, for forcing me into wearing a diaper, I'm hitting you with all my untapped creatures." "So two Coursers, that's four, then Emrakul and Kozilek, another twenty-seven. The Eldrazi makes me sacrifice all my permanents, so I'm dead." I said, "Good riddance to this game.""Yup. Nice try though. I'm not done." the sergal said as he eyed both Jack and Charlie with a very serious look. "Now for you both...I concede." Zarvaun announced, standing from the table, and walking to the bathroom, probably to get out of the diaper."Don't you dare try to get out of that thing yet!" I called after him, "It'll be much worse if you do!""Wasn't it you who said loser has to get a punishment?" He called back."And I also said that it was only for the first game. Every game after that is a battle for a rare." I corrected."You little! No you didn't-" Zarvaun started yelling back at me throwing in a curse every now and again."He said it!" Jack confirmed, "I heard him!""Ugh!" Zarvaun finally shouted before running into the bathroom and slamming the door shut."Zarv isn't a very good sport." Charlie said as Jack began his turn."I draw, then I enchant my Agent of the Fates with an Ordeal of Erebos, and you have to sacrifice a creature, Charlie." the diaper-wearing seven year old explained."Bye-bye, soldier," the chipmunk said, throwing away one of his tokens."I'll also hit you for four." the husky added."I'm at sixteen." Charlie said, "My turn?""Indeed." Jack said."Draw! I'll play a Mountain, I'll play a Labyrinth Champion and swing for four back at ya." the chipmunk explained."Sure thing!" Jack accepted, "I draw! Enchant my Agent with a Mogis's Warhound, making you sacrifice another creature. Then I have to swing for seven at you.""I'm at nine! My turn!" the chipmunk, who was clad in only a now wet diaper and a Magic: The Gathering tee shirt, drew a card, "Swing for six, use Dauntless Onslaught to zap you for two and make the damage an additional five.""I'm at five." Jack accepted, "My go. I play a Temple of Malice, keep the card there, and put another Warhound onto my Agent, you lose another creature, not that it matters since I swing for ten to win.""Darnit!" Charlie exclaimed...