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"Unnatural Tendencies" - Chapter 3

By: Ty the Fox

Bzzzzt!

The shrill buzzer signaling the end of classes for the day suddenly yanked me out of my anxiety-fueled self-reflecting and sent a jolting chill down my spine. I knew all too well what it signified: the end of my stay of execution. The sweat-soaked note clenched in my right paw simply stated, "Library, after school - Darryl," eliminating any chance that my indiscretion yesterday would go unaddressed. I was terrified. Even after all my ruminating and thought-scouring I still couldn't weave a cogent explanation together to give him. To be honest, it was probably best to get this over and done with sooner rather than later; my mind had been fruitlessly twisting and turning over this from the moment I woke up this morning and I doubted I could let it go without resolution. That knowledge alone, though, wasn't enough to calm my shaking hands or slow the frantic pounding of my heart. In my gut I felt this was going to go very badly. As the last of my classmates left and the members of the student assembly funneled in for their weekly meeting, I mechanically collected my things and slunk out the classroom door, starting to slowly make my way to the other end of the building.

It had been an altogether shitty day even before Darryl had clandestinely slipped that piece of paper into my paw as we left math class. I'd fallen asleep at around 8:00 last night without doing a shred of schoolwork, leaving me completely unprepared for the History pop quiz and the Chemistry test I had to take. One night's preparation wouldn't normally have made much of a difference - I tried to study a little bit day by day to remain on top of things - but the knowledge that had been so carefully collected and archived away was just out of reach, as if I'd locked it up in a chest and lost the key. Frustratingly, though, each time I'd try to 'pry it open,' hoping to get even a small sliver of information, anything to give me a glimpse of insight, my scrambled brain would find ways to distract me, ensuring that those facts and figures would remain elusive. As I was searching for the procedure for balancing a chemical reaction, I suddenly felt the warmth of Darryl's slight body against mine and was reminded of what I knew I'd never have again. The provisions of the 14th Amendment had something to do with civil rights and the end of slavery, but I found myself unable to put those thoughts to pen, too distracted by the thought of being forever enslaved by my impulses and wanton desires. I don't think I ended up answering more than half of the questions on either of them, and even those that I didn't leave blank were almost certainly answered incorrectly. I'd never done so poorly on an exam before, yet the inevitability of getting two failing grades wasn't bothering me. I was still obsessing over yesterday afternoon and the complete mess I'd made of things.

As I neared the entrance to the library, feeling as though my whole body was trembling, I saw Darryl lingering near the circulation desk, checking out a small stack of books. God, he was so damn cute, even with his silly outfit and too-big glasses. With a slight bit of work, I could definitely keep him from standing out like he did - hell, he'd probably be one of the more attractive students in our class. Especially if I could somehow find some way to replace those goofy glasses with ones more stylish, or even contacts, it would really accentuate his amazing blue eyes. I, like every other otter I've ever met, have light brown irises, so Darryl's coloration was particularly unique and striking. It also provided a nice contrast to his unusually pale coat, which was more blonde than brown (again, chocolate-colored fur was the norm), further separating him in looks from the rest of our species. I thought it was rather neat, the way -

"Ahem."

I whirled around and found Darryl standing behind me, giving me close-up of those sky-blue eyes. I wasn't sure how long he'd been standing there or when I'd spaced out, but being surprised like this did me no favors. At first I was choked for words, my mouth hanging open as I tried to find my voice, probably looking like a complete idiot in the interim. Finally I unfurled the otter's crumpled note and held it out, then managed to cough out a short question. "Y-you wanted to see me?" I immediately felt the urge to smack my forehead; of course he wanted to see me! What kind of a question was that?

Darryl blinked a few times and nodded, then quietly asked, "Do you know of any places here where we can talk without being disturbed?" His calmness was maddening; how could he be so composed when I felt like a complete wreck?

"Uh...umm..." I had to think on that for a moment. There were plenty of places to talk without the fear of being overheard, but to find a spot where we wouldn't be seen was trickier. We couldn't just loiter in the hallways; hall monitors continually patrolled around the school to shoo away any potential miscreants. Most of the classroom doors were locked, too, and those that weren't were in use for club meetings, after-school help, or detention.

Suddenly, an idea came to me. The auditorium. It was large enough to seat over 250 people and the miserly school admins kept it dimly lit unless there was some kind of show or concert. Admittedly, a few students regularly took up residence there after school, not unlike Darryl underneath the oak tree in the courtyard (no, get that image out of your head), but I expected we could find some quiet corner where we could talk without being disturbed. The other students were also using the large space to be alone; if we didn't bother them, they'd have no inclination to bother us. "Mmm...I think the auditorium should give us some privacy. That's about all I can come up with though."

He paused for a moment, thinking, then nodded again. "It's probably the best option. I doubt the Inquisition will hunt us down and force us to leave if we're quiet."

Darryl turned and started off in the direction of the school's west wing, which terminated in a large, round bud housing the auditorium. My anxiety was just too great to wait even those few short minutes it would take to get there, though; while I still had the chance, I put my hand on his shoulder and gently but insistently held him in place. He didn't shake it off, but there was impatient expression on his face as he turned to face me.

Pleadingly, I said "Darryl, I...I'm just so sorry. I fucked up so bad. All I want is -" Before I could finish my sentence, he raised his paw and cut me off.

"Robbie, stop. I want to talk, but not here." He lowered his paw and let out a deep sigh; I couldn't tell whether that was a good sign or not. "Let's go." Once again the otter headed in the direction of the auditorium, and, resignedly, I followed behind him, staring dejectedly at the linoleum tiling at my feet. I guess that it was supposed to resemble the soft, grainy peach of fine alabaster, but the scuffed, black-speckled pink flooring instead looked unnatural and was a little off-putting. Even so, I found myself idly tracing shapes and images between the dots, anything to distract myself and keep my nerves under control.

In a short while we reached the circular lobby of the auditorium. Darryl took a precautionary peek into the dark interior through one door's inset window, then carefully opened it and gestured for me to follow. "It doesn't look like anyone's rehearsing, just a few people in the back either doing work or sleeping." We silently crept around the back of the large hall and found an empty spot in the far corner. I stopped following him for a short moment, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths to try to calm myself - it didn't help. Nothing could change the fact that this was it. We would resolve things now, for better or for worse.

The only lights switched on were above the stage, so it was difficult to see his face beyond the slight glint of his wire-framed glasses. For a long moment we just sat there, as though neither of us could quite figure out how to start this off. The situation I'd created was just so bizarre that it was difficult for me to do anything aside from prostrate myself by gushing with apologies. I resisted that urge, though, and with bated breath waited for Darryl to initiate the conversation. After a few moments of shuffling in our seats and aimlessly glancing around the auditorium, he broke the barrier of silence between us with a whisper, "Why did you do it?"

I'd been asking myself that same question for the past 24 hours and I still didn't have a satisfactory response. I highly valued my careful, methodical nature and actively worked to maintain calm and collected in all situations. I didn't know how that dam had been breached. All I did know that I'd been swept into a turbulent wave of emotions I'd never felt before, all of which centered about him. The righteous anger that drove me to break Charlie's jaw had quickly morphed into a powerful need to care and protect, but somewhere along the line that emotion gave way to something even more powerful and pervasive. I thought I had fallen in love. Was I in love? At what point did my empathy change to desire, my indifference to attraction? There was no answer.

After a long pause, I let out a sad sigh and replied, "I don't know, Darryl..." I started to trail off, but I couldn't let myself end with that; it wasn't just some random impulse. The tension and angst that had led to yesterday afternoon had been building for many weeks beforehand and I'd simply reached my breaking point. Before he had a chance to interject, I continued, "What I said yesterday was completely true, though. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I've been longing to talk to you and be your friend ever since I left the hospital that day. I don't know how that changed into something more."

I heard him take a deep breath; was he just angry and impatient or was he also feeling insecure? "Robbie...I'm not sure how to even address that. It doesn't make any sense. Do you just see me as a perpetual victim, someone who needs protecting?" He took a moment to breathe before he continued, tersely, "I don't want that. I don't need that. Having people pitying me is just as bad as having people beating me up. Either way..." I thought he was going to finish his thought, but when I glanced up he was simply staring out into space.

"It's not pity. It's more than tha-"

"Is it really?" Again his voice grew colder. "You stopped those assholes and carried me to an ambulance. That's all you did. What did I do to deserve these 'deep feelings' you keep saying you have?" Though it was too dark to see his face clearly, I could feel his eyes boring holes through me now. This was not going well...

Already feeling defeated, I pleaded, "I don't know Darryl. I really don't know. The whole event somehow changed me on a core level. It made me realize how self-absorbed I've been...and made me feel the need for companionship for the first time."

"What are you talking about? You're popular. People like you," he replied. "You hang out with dozens of people all the time." Despite the harsh scorn he'd been giving me this whole time, some of the bite had left his tone of voice; now he seemed genuinely curious.

Again, I let out a sigh. It was weird, being open and honest like this. I'd spent so much time not being myself that I'd forgotten how to be myself. Still, this was important, and I had to tear down those protective walls I'd been building up for so long. "They're not my friends, Darryl. To be honest, a part of me actually hates them. A lot of them are petty. Some are even cruel. The rest...well, kind of bore me, really," I said, shrugging. "I guess I hang out with them partially because I like the attention, but it's really just something for me to do. It's what's expected. And I'd rather be accepted by them than ostracized." I leaned in a little and looked into his eyes, what I could see of them anyway, trying to impress this well-guarded facet of myself upon him. "But I'm not like them. And they are nothing to me."

For a while, neither of us said anything; our silence accentuated the sound of the occasional cough or the rustling of paper from other parts of the room. He was staring blankly at the empty stage, giving me no clues as to what he was thinking. And yet, despite how critical it was for him to understand, I felt lighter, as though some great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The tension was gone. I'd never been this frank with anyone before, not even my own parents. There was something strangely cathartic about actually talking to someone as opposed to simply babbling pointlessly back and forth. I honestly didn't know what Darryl was thinking, but for some reason I now felt like nothing he could say could hurt me. Finally, I was me.

After what seemed like an eternity, he turned to look at me, meeting my eyes as I had met his. "Okay," he said. There was a long pause; at first I thought that was all he was going to say, but he eventually continued, "It makes sense."

I wasn't entirely sure what he meant by that, but he didn't say anything more. Calmly, I asked, "What does?"

"You. I...I always felt there was something different about you. I don't know why; you just didn't quite fit in with the others." Lowering his voice, he said, "I don't fit in either."

At first I thought he was simply referring to the popular kids, but something made me question whether it was more than that. "You don't fit in, with us? Me and the others?"

"No," he said bitterly. "I don't fit in anywhere."

That statement struck a peculiar chord with me, giving me a small taste of the heartache he must have been bottling up. Maybe it was because I only floated within the 'upper caste' that I didn't appreciate how small a fraction of the student body it really was. Of course, I knew who most of the other students were by name and which clique they belonged to. There were the band geeks, the theater kids, the smart, nerdy types, the goths, the skater punks, and the more general mass of 'normies' who self-organized into their own small pods. It was undoubtedly more complex than that, but to a rough approximation we had everyone pegged into a certain category. Now that I thought about it, the possibility of being completely alone seemed extremely unlikely; surely Darryl must have found someone in a crowd of almost a thousand people who he could connect with?

Gently, I probed further. "Really? I was almost sure you were on the math team at some point. And weren't you involved with the chess club or something?" It was pitiful that I knew so little about him, but I thought I'd heard his name come up in conversations about those two student groups.

"Not anymore," he replied, looking down at the floor and folding his ears back. "Chess and math competitions got really tiring after a while. I was okay at both but the other kids frustrated me too much. I don't know..." He glanced up at me again with a wistful expression on his face and reiterated, "I just don't fit."

"Why not? I mean, all of you are there because you have something in common, right? Doesn't that matter?"

He gave me a bit of a glare and snapped back, "It does for them. Not for me. There's nothing to talk about with them."

"Well..." I hesitated, not exactly sure how to respond. Then again, did I get any satisfaction hanging out with the popular crowd? I couldn't say it wasn't enjoyable at times, but as I'd admitted to Darryl, on the whole there wasn't much in it for me. I was more content lifting weights, or practicing guitar, or playing the occasional video game. It was quietly satisfying to be alone; there were no forced conversations, no melodrama, no stupid drinking parties to attend. Because I could always find a way to escape, though, none of that crap ever bothered me too much. Maybe it was different for Darryl. "...I guess I get that. I don't see why it makes you so upset, though."

Averting his eyes, he muttered, "You're lucky..."

Again, I didn't know what he meant by that, but the last thing I wanted to do was make him more upset. Eager to change the subject, I asked, "Well, aside from those things, what do you like to do?"

The scowl on his face slowly gave way to a small grin, and I suddenly felt a strong wave of affection as he began to radiate that sweet innocence I'd grown so attached to. It was the first time I'd ever seen him smile. "I love reading. It's pretty much all I do outside of school..." He trailed off for a moment before continuing, "I know it's kind of weird...most people don't seem to get much out of it nowadays. For me, though, it's a way to escape to another place, another time, another..." Smile disappearing from his face, he left his statement open-ended and looked away. He was obviously holding something back, but I wasn't going to press him further, not now. I of all people should know the value of privacy.

There was another momentary lull in conversation. I couldn't think of anything else to ask without risking him getting riled up, and apparently he too had run out of things to say. Even so, sitting with him in the dark silence like this was comforting, in a way. We didn't need to say anything more. We'd just taken a large step towards reconciliation. Now all I had to focus on was resisting the urge to wrap my arm around his shoulder and pull him in close. I felt like we'd found a certain kinship between us, and it seemed natural to me to express it in a physical way. He probably didn't feel the same, though. Too risky.

After a few minutes, an unrelated question popped into my head and I couldn't help but smirk; it was hard to believe we hadn't talked about it already. That more than anything else gave me my answer, but still I had to ask. With a grin, I gave him a light nudge and said, "So...you are, erm, gay? I mean, yesterday just sort of happened...I realized last night that I didn't even know if you were, you know, into me." The moment the words left my lips, I felt like punching myself. I still didn't know, obviously.The fact that I'd gone ahead and kissed him in spite of that was bad enough, but I didn't have to blurt it out so callously.My smile quickly faded and I bowed my head, not just a little ashamed of myself. "All the way around it was a horrible thing for me to do, and again I'm really sorry."

To my surprise, otter laughed softly. "Oh, Robbie. That's one thing you don't have to worry about. I know you've caught me ogling you in the weight room." He quickly looked away, trying futilely to hide his sheepish blushing and smirking. "I think it was pretty obvious to both of us...and everyone else," he said wistfully, before looking up at me again with a sober expression on his face. "I came to terms with my identity a while ago, even though I'm still paying for it now. You get used to it, you know?" He made an attempt to smile, but that couldn't hide the sadness in his eyes. I opened my mouth to respond but he cut me off before I could say anything, shaking his head. "It's all right, honestly. I'll get through it. The real surprise is that you are, too."

I took a deep breath and sighed. This was something else I knew he'd ask about and I'd been fumbling around to come up with an answer earlier in the day. His eyes were gleaming brightly, expectantly; he _clearly wanted to talk about my sexuality. I definitely didn't. Still, it was only fair that I be truthful with him, even if I was going to try to sidestep the issue as best as I could. There was no way I was going to tell him everything. After a moment's hesitation, I replied, "I don't know, Darryl. This is all pretty new for me, to tell you the truth. I didn't know I was, well, into _guys until very recently." Now it was my turn to blush, and by the cheeky grin on his face I knew he saw it too. "It just sort of happened."

"So you're bi then?" He continued to give me that irritating, yet incredibly adorable smile. Clearly he had me beat in this arena; he was comfortable with his sexual identity and I was not. He didn't know, though, how different we really were. As bad as it might be to be homosexual in this social climate, I envied Darryl's position. I had no idea how to come to terms with my 'preferences' and I'd long since abandoned the notion that there was anyone out there who could relate to me.

Treading these murky waters with the utmost caution, I answered, "I guess so. I'm still sort of figuring it out myself." That, at least, was true. "But," I continued, starting to feel warm blood rushing to my cheeks again, "it did feel really good, though...when I kissed you yesterday."

"Y-yeah..." Darryl looked down at the floor and shifted in his seat. "Well, as sudden and unexpected as it was, I can't say that I didn't enjoy it, too. I...well, I believed you."

"...and now?" I asked expectantly. I was hoping he'd look up and reassure me with a smile, but he merely continued to stare at the ground with an impassive expression on his face.

"Now...I'm not sure, Robbie. I think I understand a little better, but where does that leave us?" He glanced up at me with an intent gleam in his eyes. "What did you think would happen now?"

This was the final question I'd been puzzling over for nearly a day now, and again I couldn't come up with a solid, well-formed answer. So much of my thinking lately had been tainted by lofty, romantic ideas, the usual clarity with which I approached the world distorted as a funhouse mirror distorts one's reflection. All I could see were the idyllic heights and fathomless depths a relationship between us might bring, entirely missing the grounded perspective lying somewhere in the middle. It was so frustrating to have to battle uphill like this when normally I had no trouble separating the objective from the subjective, reality from emotion. In the meantime, the question remained just as unapproachable and inscrutable as before, silently mocking my futile attempts to reason rationally merely by its continued presence. The longer I waited, though, the more insecure and unsettled I would appear to Darryl; even if it wasn't well thought out, he deserved a prompt response.

Taking a deep breath to calm myself, I slowly began to unravel the tangled mess of thoughts running through my head. "Darryl, I can say what I hoped might come of it, but it's not as though I planned this and had a clear idea of what it would really mean. I haven't lied to you; these...feelings" - I spat out the word without hiding my disdain - "are so new to me that I don't know how to handle them. The only thought running through my head yesterday was that I desperately needed to convince you that you've become very important to me, regardless of how that came to be." I let out an audible sigh as the angst-induced tension in my body was gradually released, allowing me to begin to relax in the well-worn cushion backing my seat. "I don't know what happens next. All that matters to me at this point is that we come to an agreement satisfactory to both of us."

Darryl raised an eyebrow skeptically and curtly countered, "Is that really all? Everything you've said seems to suggest you want to have a romantic relationship with me. I'm glad at least that you're trying to rise above that, because that can't happen right now."

I wanted to follow up with 'Why not?' but it was all too clear why it wouldn't work; he was completely right. Taking an exam without studying and expecting a good grade was similarly delusional, and I'd had the misfortune of experiencing that firsthand. Even so, he'd only eliminated one option within a large space of possible paths to follow. After taking a couple minutes to gather my thoughts, I said, "Okay. That's not going to happen now. But..." - my ears tilted to the side as I bowed my head sorrowfully- "does that mean we have to part ways for good? I'd like to get to know you better. I think we have more in common than either of us expected. Don't you think so?"

"Yes..." Darryl replied hesitantly, perhaps because he was especially cautious of what a poorly-stated response might effect. "I do. I can't see how it would work, but...I'm willing to try." I was so relieved that I wanted to jump out of my seat and holler triumphantly for everyone to hear, but as quickly as my exultation had arisen it was quelled by the otter's intense gaze. "Robbie, I have to be honest with you, though. No matter what you do or how hard you try, I don't think I can be 'rescued,' if that's your intent. For your own good, regardless of my feelings about all of this, you should just walk away without looking back." I saw the glimmer of a tear forming in his eye, but he was quick to wipe it away. "I think you have a good heart, with much to offer than anyone else I've met here. You may feel insecure now, but I think you'll be able to reconcile your inner conflicts and come out on the other side better for it. You have a real chance." His tears started to flow freely, leaving glistening trails along his cheeks. "Please, don't sacrifice that for me. I...I'm not worth it. You can't save me."

Without hesitation, I placed his small paw in mine and clasped around it firmly. "You're wrong. I know you're wrong. And, I now know that there's a huge hole inside of me I can't fill on my own. I need you."

"No you don't!" Darryl suddenly raised his voice, almost to the point that someone nearby might overhear him. "You may need someone, but it's not me. Please...whatever you see in me is only a mask to cover up how fragile and worthless I really am. Leave; pick someone who can stand firmly on their own. I'll only drag you down."

I shook my head vehemently and tightened my grip around his soft paw. "I don't believe you. Even if we only remain friends, we can help each other, right? You supporting me while I support you? You're so brilliant. If anyone has potential, it's you. I want to help."

He slumped forward and hung his head. "Robbie, I'm not strong enough to shut you out if you keep pressing me like this. I lied when I said that I don't want or need a knight in shining armor. You couldn't possibly know how much I truly want and need one, as poorly as that selfish desire reflects on me. I've done nothing to deserve it; not from you, not from anyone. I'm despicable enough for tugging you along by entertaining whatever fantasies are driving you towards me. Please..." - his voice dropped down to a whisper but remained just as insistent - "just leave me alone."

I'd been trying so hard this whole time to keep myself from making physical advances towards him, but I finally gave in. Leaning in close, I pressed my cheek to his and nuzzled him reassuringly; he responded in kind with an impassioned nuzzle of his own, the last of his defenses crumbling as his tears streamed down both his face and mine. No matter what he said, this was right.

Only in hindsight can I truly appreciate how different things would be now had I listened to him then.