Journal of a Changed Slave: Ch.11
#11 of Journal of a Changed Slave
Sorry this one took so long to write. I've been working a lot lately. I guess you could consider this the end of this "act". I'll probably take a bit of a break to write some other stuff, but in the meantime, thank you all for all the support ^^
April 26
Even though I'm pregnant now, nothing's really changed at all. They still take me on my walks, meet me up with clients, and even let the boys have their way with me once in a while. It's good for everyone's morale, they tell me. I guess that's true. The males sure seem happy when they get to visit me, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't really enjoy it... Getting fucked is some of the only time I don't spend sitting around, feeling sad and sorry for myself. Thinking about... about the babies inside me...
Master says that he's just waiting for my friends to pay for me, now, but while we're waiting, there's no real reason to have me stop working. At least, as long as it doesn't threaten my pregnancy. Master does take pretty good care of me. he makes sure that I'm not roughed up too bad, and I've been getting much better food. Everything he can to make sure my babies are healthy. But whenever I feel my belly... whenever I think about the life growing in me, I feel... scared. Disgusted, even. All I can think about is how... unnatural all this is.
Ivan keeps telling me that, before too long, I'll develop an instinct. But it's yet to happen. I feel so ashamed... I think about beating the crap out of myself, trying to kill these things in me. But I chicken out... And it's out of fear... Fear of Master and what he might do.
Oh God, forgive me... I don't have much humanity left. I feel myself holding onto less, and less.
April 30
Today, I took someone's virginity...
He was a college kid. His friends helped set him up with a cheap whore. Me. He was really nice, though. He was really gentle, and I kinda liked it that way, really. It was less like fucking and more like... making love, I guess. He just laid down and I did most of the work, straddling him and riding him until he came. Then, we spent some time cuddling, and kissing... It was nice.
It reminded me of when... of when Jessie and I would have sex. I still remember what it feels like... Maybe, if I had forgotten, all this wouldn't still feel so weird. And maybe I wouldn't be so damn addicted to it... I got really angry with myself. I pulled my piercings and punched myself in the head... I guess sometimes I like to punish myself now, too. Although, I'm not sure if it's even punishment anymore, or just fulfilling my addiction to pain.
P.S: I even forgot... Yesterday was my birthday. Happy Birthday, Zack.
May 3
My first day of abstinence punishment starts today. I guess I should start by writing how it led to this.
Yesterday, I got brought to Master so he could check up on me. He said I was being a very good girl, and he was sad to sell me off so soon. He asked me if I was excited for my new owners, and I honestly answered him that I was. He laughed and pet my head. I forget everything we talked about, but he did mention that Brian didn't seem like he was too keen on the idea of fucking me. When Master had told him about some of the stuff I was trained to do, he was more disgusted than anything. "I'm worried that he's not gonna take proper care of my cute little slut."
I told him that it was okay, but he just laughed at me. "Zorah, you haven't thought much about this have you? You've got the Fever, and got it BAD. You're gonna go crazy over there."
"Th-the Fever...?" I asked, confused. I'd never heard that term before.
He explained to me, "It's what I call you Scalie bitches' nymphomania. Some get it, some don't, and it takes a bit of time of... rigorous sexual practice before it shows up. But once it does, I've never seen it go away. Bitches with the Fever are like drug addicts. I'm not sure why, but from what I gather it's got a lot to do with your brain improperly reacting to the hormones. I guess it comes with the territory of being genetic freaks, huh? And for folks who don't want to use them like that, it's really fucking agitating."
"I..." I just choked on my words, not sure what to say. He shushed me.
"You poor thing. You know what? I think you need to learn this, so you know what you're getting into. This week, no sex."
I felt my heart sink. Instinctively I whimpered, like a dog getting scolded.
"You need to learn this. No sex, no cock, nothing. Just you and what you can do to yourself." He nodded to Ivan and he started dragging me back to my cell. "Just remember, pet, this isn't a punishment, it's a lesson."
Punishment or not, I knew this was going to be hard on my psyche. I can feel it a little bit already... I know my body craves it, and craves it badly, but how bad is this going to be? I can only imagine. I remember Ivan telling me something about... about well, eating myself out. He said that masturbating can help me cope. Cope...
I don't know what sick point he's trying to prove, but he's sure got me scared... I'm not feeling very different right now. In fact, a part of me is a little grateful for the break. But, he's right... I know he's right. Master's always been right. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
May 4
It's been over 24 hours since I've had sex last, and so far I'm not doing too badly. I've had plenty of urges, but Ivan's right; masturbation really does help keep the edge off. I've found out that I really can eat myself out, weirdly. I guess I'm more flexible than I was when I was human, and the long face and tongue probably help matters along. It's been a while since I've eaten pussy. I remember doing it for Jessie now and again. I never figured I'd ever do that for another woman, let alone myself...
Either way, the boredom has been the stronger problem as of late. I've started drawing again, but now I'm really awful. It's mostly the claws, but my hands are just... they're just not mine anymore. I guess I'm just not used to it, or maybe just not as coordinated. I haven't noticed, since my handwriting's always been fucking awful chicken-scratch, but it's a little disheartening to have to re-train myself to draw again.
May 5
Really, I've been getting lonesome... Not having a body pressed up against my own for so long feels strange. I don't know if I'm longing to be fucked or just to have some company. Maybe both...
I've been jilling myself a lot lately too. Partly out of lust, partly out of having nothing much else to do. I've tried banging on the door, asking to be put back to work again, but I've just been ignored. Masturbation is helping but it's just not... it's not doing enough. It isn't just a desire for orgasm, it's a desire for, well, more...
God I'm such a freak now.
May 7
I can feel the fever shredding through my mind. I can feel it raking against my spine and my spirit.
I'm starting to go stir-crazy... all I do is sleep, finger myself, and pace around the room... I've started choking myself with my own collar to help get me off, but it's just not working anymore. Christ, I've started fingering BOTH my fucking whore-holes, and it's just not doing it for me anymore. I feel like I'm losing what little bit of my mind I have left. It's just not the same when I do it to myself... I can feel something, deep inside myself, something... instinctual, I guess. It's the desire to be mated, dominated...
I think that it's not just pleasure that I want, I want something else. It's insane. I don't want pleasure, or sex. No, I want to be FUCKED. I feel like I'm hard-wired to crave this shit now. And it's not the same kind of lust, or desire, that I felt when I was a guy. When I was... human. I'm so confused. Scared. I'm tired of being this freak of nature. I'm so tired of being a filthy whore. I just wanna be normal again. I just want a normal libido again.
Oh God I need it so bad! Please, someone please fuck me! Dominate me fuck me spank me do whatever you want just please someone do SOMETHING! I've screamed and I've screamed and I've cried and cried but no one will do it. I begged so much when they brought me food, but they said no. Please I NEED IT.
I started banging my head on the wall. I screamed and cried. Ivan came to check on me. He helped me to bed. He said I was bleeding a lot. He looked worried. I felt like I was dying. My head hurts so bad, but it doesn't make the need go away. I need it. I need cock. Please I want it so bad. Ivan said he can't. I cried but he just tucked me in. I feel so empty. Why won't they fuck me? I'll be a good girl. I promise I'll be a good whore. I promise.
Cock! PLEASE COCK! PLEASE I'll be a good WHORE! Please FUCK ME! FUCK the WHORE! PLEASE! Fuck me MASTER, punish me! PUNISH ME more! Whoever's reading this, please, please fuck me! MAKE THE ITCH STOP! Oh, GOD, please make the itch stop! It's clawing my eyes out! Please hug me! Please spank me! Hurt me and hug me and FUCK me! TALK TO ME! Someone talk to me! Call me names ANYTHING! These pages don't help the itch go away, please, help me make it STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
May 11
Master took me to the boys today, and the fucked me good. Oh, it was so good. I've never felt so good before. I'm a good slut. I love when they fuck me, I love when the human guys do too. I love being held up and fucked. I love feeling a cock in my pussy and my ass at the same time, when they slide against each other and squeeze that little bit of inside me between them. I love the taste of cum. I love feeling the humans fuck my mouth, when their balls slap my chin. I love feeling full, and useful. I love when they yank on my piercing and make my nipples hurt. I love feeling them squishing my tits with their hands. I love being spanked, and having my hair pulled. I like it when they yank my tail so hard it hurts. I love all of it.
These... these are the thoughts in my head. Now that I'm satisfied, now that the itch is gone for now, these were all the things going through my mind. I'm a fucking failure. I'm just a slut now, and this is the proof. I'm like a crack addict, except with COCK.
Oh God, please... I beg you, please. Take my soul. Take me away from this body, and leave them with their little fuck toy. Let me exist somewhere away from this fucking place, away from this EXISTENCE. Please, I beg you... I can't kill myself. I'm too afraid. I can't live with Brian and Jessie. They don't deserve to have to deal with me. So please, help me, even if all you can do is take me away from here.
May 13
Master has me working again, fucking anyone with a nickel to throw at me. I've stopped caring. Brian and Jessie have stopped visiting. They probably realize I'm a lost cause too. I've given up. I'm so done. Instead of something to hang onto, instead of something to cling to, my identity is just haunting me. Like a fucking wraith, sitting on the edge of my mind, tormenting me, reminding me how far I've fallen. Zack Morris is a nightmare, now.
Now, I'm just a stupid slut SLUT slut slut slut filthy slut SLUT fucking slut SLUT SLUT whore SLUT slut slut slut little slut slut slut stupid slut SLUT fucking slut cunt slut slut moaning slut slut cock eating whore slut SLUT slut SLUT crazy SLUT SLUT STUPID CUNT slut SLUT slut slut preggo slut slut SLUT shameful slut SLUT slut slut SLUT God-forsaken SLUT slut SLUT
May 22
Today, Ivan came into my cell. He hooked me up to my leash, got me dressed in my slutty clothes, and started walking towards the front door. I thought we were going for another walk. I just followed him, sheepishly, quietly. I didn't dare look forward. Just at the floor. I remember finally looking up when I realized we were going to another room I've never been in before. A mixture of curiosity and terror welled up inside me every time a new place was introduced to me. But, when the door swung open, I saw both Brian and Jessie standing there. Waiting for me.
I teared up, just happy to see them. Just happy to see my friends. I heard Ivan say, "Here she is. You take good care of her now." He handed the leash over the leash to Brian and Jessica ran over to me, pulling me into a tight hug. I hugged her back, starting to sob. Sob really hard. She was too, I think.
"You finally get to come home, Zack." She said to me. I couldn't even speak, I was just crying too hard at that point. I wanted to tell her that... everything in me that was Zack was gone. Dead. But I couldn't. I guess seeing Jessica looking into my eyes like that, those big, teary, beautiful eyes, it gave me just that little bit of hope again...
I saw Brian and Ivan were still talking but I hadn't been listening. I heard Ivan say, "And remember, you can always bring her in here if she's having any issues. We can set her up with more obedience lessons, set up playtime with other slaves, you name it. She's going to have a lot of difficulty adjusting to a normal life." Ivan was looking a little sad... concerned, maybe...
"Alright. Thanks Mr. Roland." Brian said.
Ivan smiled, "Oh, just call me Ivan, please. I know you all probably think I'm a monster, and I won't argue it, really. But I always try to make sure that when a slave finds a new home, that they're happy and the owners are too. So if you have any problems, please come back and ask for me."
Even I had to smile. Even though Ivan had helped do all this to me... he seemed to genuinely care. Brian shook his hand before patting Jessie on the shoulder.
"Let's go." Brian said, looking to her, and then me. He forced a smile and started leading us back out. I knew that look; it was the look of him trying to stay stoic but not knowing what to say. I just kept clinging to Jessica, who didn't seem to want to let me go either. We stumbled outside together, guided to the back seat of Brian's car. He got both of us settled in, buckled up. The scent of his SUV triggered a lot of memories to come rushing back to me.
"Thank you..." I choked, not willing to let go of Jessica's hand.
Brian just nodded, "No problem."
I felt Jessie pull me towards her, until I was laying sideways with my head on her lap. She just stroked my filthy, cum-crusted hair, apparently not even paying any mind to the grime in it. I nuzzled into her lap, clinging as much as I could with the seatbelt holding me back.
It was a long, silent ride. Brian was focused on the road, lost in thought. I wish I knew what he was thinking about. It was always hard to tell with him. I couldn't help but smile. I could still recognize his facial expressions, his little quirks and tendencies that friends tend to pick up on. I heard Jessie speak up, "Don't worry Zack, when we get home, we'll get you all cleaned up."
"Th-thank you..." I said, softly. She just smiled.
When I felt the car stop and saw Brian put it in park, I sat back up. We were in an apartment complex I'd never seen before. Jessie must've seen some kind of concern from me because she quickly explained that they wound up splitting the bill for a slightly larger apartment that could fit all three of us. I nodded, understanding. Jessie helped me out of the car, and I took my first steps out into the real world, no longer under the thumb of Master Chris.
She guided me up the stairs, following Brian, who unlocked a door and let us inside. I walked in, recognizing the nostalgic smell of cheap apartment air conditioning. That scent smelled like heaven to me. I smiled, looking around and seeing our old furniture. Some of it was ours, some of it was Brains, but it was all familiar. Familiarity...
Jessie seemed almost giddy as she showed me around. It was a two-bedroom, two-bathroom, with her and I sharing half the apartment. I hugged her, and then Brian, thanking them again for rescuing me. I broke down sobbing again, uncontrollably. Jessie just rocked me back and forth, while Brian rested a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, seeing that both of them were watery-eyed too. Even Brian.
"You don't have to thank us, Zack. It's just good to have you back." Brian told me, genuinely smiling this time.
I sniffled, "I... I don't know if I can ever really be Zack again though..." I said, sadly.
"Well, we'll be here to get you back as close as possible. We'll take it slow." He responded. He was being very understanding of my... my condition. I clung to Jessie for a few more moments before she stood up with me.
"Here, let's get you out of those clothes and all washed up, okay?" She asked. I nodded. She guided me over to our bathroom and ran me a nice bath. While we were waiting for the tub to fill up, she told me that Ivan had already talked to them about my... issues. It was at least a little bit of a relief that they wouldn't be surprised by my psychosis.
Jessie washed my hair, combing out all the tangles and mats that had accumulated. She was taking such good care of me... almost like a mother and child. I spent a lot of time in the bath. She even had to add more hot water for me. But she said that I should rest in there as long as I want. She even left me some clothes. On the counter. I don't know how long I was in there but when I finally got out, I dried myself off and went to find the clothes she'd left for me. They were... mine. Some of my old clothes. A pair of boxers and an Iron Maiden T-shirt.
I almost wanted to cry. They didn't feel like they were mine anymore. These felt like hand-me-downs from a recently dead man very close to my heart. I swallowed down the lump in my throat and forced myself to put them on. They didn't really fit me anymore anyway... My hips were wider than they used to be, and my tail kept me from pulling them up all the way anyway. The T-shirt was long enough to cover up the boxers, but I felt that my breasts were really straining the fabric. They barely fit, and they weren't very comfortable, but I guess it was better than the stripper outfit they had me in before.
I stood at the bathroom door for a good few moments, working up the courage to come out on my own. When I finally did, I saw Jessie and Brian at the kitchen table going over a large stack of paper-work. Jessie saw me and smiled, coming over to me and judging how my clothes fit me. She smiled awkwardly, "Well, I guess we're going to need to get you some new clothes too." She said.
"I-I don't mind this..." I lied. Well, only half-lied. I'd wear ANYTHING that Jessie gave to me at this point.
"I'll find you something that fits better. Sorry this has to do for now..." She said.
I shook my head and said, "I-it's fine..."
After that, we had dinner, some fast food, and then Jessie told me I should get some sleep. She noticed how tired I looked. I nodded, but asked if I could write in my journal before then. "Of course you can." She said, which brings me to this entry....
This is the first time I've been able to think clearly in such a long time. I feel so happy, but scared too... I can already feel it... the fever in my brain. I'm so scared... Jessie knows I'm worried too... I can tell. She can tell from how quiet I've been. But how could I not be? They want Zack Morris, not this stupid, broken whore. God, I already feel it, I want to be fucked, so bad. I don't deserve them.
No, no. I'll be okay. I have new Masters... New, loving Masters... I just... I just hope I can make it all worth it for them...