FSE

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One of Norman Ramirez's biggest flaws was his inability to say 'no' to his friends. “Can you lend me your pencil? I forgot mine", his elementary school friends would ask him, and he'd be happy to comply, even if he didn't have a spare. “Can you do my homework for me? It's too hard…", his high school friends would ask him, and he'd help even if he had no time to study for his own test. “Wanna try this suspicious piece of candy?", his drug-addict friend from university would ask him, and Norman would swallow it without a doubt even when it turned out to be strawberry-flavored.

Norman's life went downhill when his former classmate Max told him he had been fired from his job and he needed somewhere to stay for a week or two while he went job hunting. Norman, as generous as ever, accepted Max's request to move in as a roommate. However, over a year after that, Norman started to suspect that Max didn't seem to be in a hurry to find a job and that his true intention had always been to live off from Norman like a parasite for as long as possible.

One day, when he returned home after going to the store for various groceries and other errands Max had ordered him to go through, Norman gathered all of his courage and was about to tell Max to find a fucking job once and for all when he realized Max had fallen asleep on the couch with the TV still on.

Norman sighed and turned off the TV. He looked at Max Loewe, who was snoring loudly. When he sleeps like that not even a earthquake could wake him up, Norman knew that from experience. The slob life had taken a toll on Max's weight. He looked so out of shape the black tattoos on his arms were starting to look stretched out. He was wearing just boxers and a white wife beater that did nothing to conceal his bellybutton.

A big foul-smelling mass of worthless shit sleeping like a baby. Yeah, that was how Max looked like to him right now. At least the slob wouldn't complain for a while, so Norman took this chance to do some housekeeping.

Norman had bought something useful at the convenience store, a fluorescent lamp that electrocuted any unfortunate bugs that were dumb enough to get near it. It was nearly summer, so Max was always complaining about flies and mosquitoes getting inside the apartment. Norman set up the lamp near the window, and then went back to the bag of groceries. It'd be night soon, and Max would be hungry, so maybe he should start making dinner now.

But Norman was feeling so powerless. Why the hell did he have to make dinner for that buffon? Why couldn't he just boot him out from the house? Why couldn't he just say 'no' to every annoying request?

Maybe it was time to reconsider how Norman lived his life. He had a job and his own house, but he couldn't even date anyone because then Max would get angry whenever someone else came over! It was enough, it was time to start living for himself for once…

*BUZZZZTTTT!*

“Whoa!" Norman was startled by a sudden sound. Max, however, kept on snoring. The sound had came from the lamp Norman had just set up.

*BUZZZT!* *BZZZZZZTTTT!!!!!!*

The sound was too loud and continuous to have been caused by a single small bug touching the lamp. Maybe the lamp was defective…?

When Norman came over to check the lamp, his mouth fell open. There was someone… or something… right beside it! It was the size of a child, but for some reason it looked blurry and fuzzy. It was like the static of a CRT television, but floating in mid-air!

“What the fuck is that?!" Norman yelled. Max kept snoring.

“Pl…..Ease!" *BZZZZT!*

“Uh…What… It talked?!"

*BZZZT* “Turn…this thing off!" *BZZZT*

Norman ran over to the power plug and pulled it off.

The buzzing ceased, but the living static was still there. The entire room was filled with smoke. Max kept snoring.

“Awww crap! Damn it all!" Said the strange voice. It was high-pitched and sounded really odd for a child-sized person. “Oh… It stopped! Thank the Gigastar for that!" Suddenly the static lifted and Norman saw something he never expected to see in all of his life.

It was a small grey-skinned creature. For all purposes it looked like an alien to Norman. It got all the clichés checked from the list: pale skin, bald head with two big oval-shaped black pupils for eyes and no visible ears or nose, long arms with extremely prehensile fingers, and a very indecent lack of clothing.

“Are you… An alien?" Norman asked. “How do you know my language? Why are you here? What's a Gigastar, is it in space or is it just a celebrity like the superstars from TV?"

The creature looked at Norman. It looked at the human from head to toe, confused. Then the creature looked down at itself. Norman was awed at the size of the creature's grey floppy penis. The creature shrieked in surprise and then hastily covered his groin. “Damned space bullocks! My invisibility suit got burned down to ashes!"

“Umm… Are you hurt?" Norman's overly generous personality compelled him to take care of the intruder's wellbeing above all. Max kept snoring.

“No external injuries to account for." The alien said. “Except for my tarnished pride. The Earthling's traps are getting more and more sophisticated." The alien looked at the bug lamp worth 19.95$ with disgust. “How can a light so beautiful be so deadly? That's life for you. A big pile of space worm's droppings." The alien stuck out his bright pink tongue at the evil Earthling trap.

The alien's eyes posed themselves on Norman. “Thanks for deactivating that trap. I owe you my life." The alien bowed his head, his hands still covering his otherworldly privates.

Norman wondered if he should tell the alien that he's the one who set up that 'trap' in the first place. He decided against it.

“I really want to make it up to you, I swear to the Gigastar… But first I should make myself presentable." The alien searched through the ashes and salvaged a small square-shaped device.

“What's that?" Norman asked with curiosity.

“I'll tell you. But first, tell me, is there any piece of… I don't know the exact Earthling word… Worthless 'shit' around here?"

Norman immediately thought of Max. But declaring that aloud wouldn't be very polite to his slobby roommate.

“Oh, what's this?" The alien found a slice of leftover pizza below the couch. It was full of hungry ants.

“Just trash. Yeesh, Max sure is careless with his food."

“Oh, 'trash' is like worthless shit, right? Then you wouldn't mind if I do this." The alien used his long fingers to operate the rectangular device.

The alien's device looked simple enough, just a dial with 60 positions. Norman thought it resembled a kitchen timer at first, but when the alien adjusted the dial a holographic bar was projected on top of it.

The alien dialed quickly and skillfully, and alien characters began appearing one by one inside the holographic bar. That's when Norman realized it was actually a text box, and the dial was acting as a keyboard.

But the device wasn't just for light shows. Every time the alien dialed a new letter the pizza on the carpet pulsated like it was a beating heart and when the alien had finished dialing the last letter the dirty slice of pizza had transmuted into… Dirty white human briefs?

“What the heck is this…?" Norman gasped.

“They are known as 'tighty whities' in some parts of the world. Exotic, aren't they?" The alien said with a wide smile.

“That's not what I…"

But the alien wasn't listening. He took the former pizza and put it on. The tight underwear did a pretty bad job at not showing the outline of the alien's cock. “Woah, it's full of tiny Earthlings inside! They itch! Ow, my peepee!" The alien comically danced until he had shaken off the last of the remaining ants.

The alien looked at Norman and grinned with pride. “It's the space gorilla's armpits, isn't it?"

“…The what?"

“It's an idiom. It means it's the best of the best. You should study more about the Earthling's language sometime. Of course, for me, Alpha With A Floppy P, studying alien cultures is easy-peasy."

“So your name is Alpha… And what's that about a floppy P? Your title?" Norman wondered.

“It means the 'P' in Al-p-ha is pronounced with your tongue flapping out. You sure can be dense, Mr. Earthling."

“The name's Norman."

“I know, my name's very normal."

After Norman cleared up that he was actually talking about his own name, the alien smiled at him.

“You know, in my home planet, when you save someone's life is customary for that someone to become your sex slave for the rest of their existence…"

Norman didn't know how to react to that.

“…But! Considering we're in YOUR home planet, I'll give you something even more valuable than sexual satisfaction for life! You should be grateful!"

Norman still couldn't assess the reality of the situation he was in. Everything up to that point had felt like a weird fever dream. “And what's that?"

“I'll…" Alpha began to say dramatically. “… let… you…"

“…SPIN THE DIAL!" The alien cried out euphoric. Max kept snoring.

Norman was silent. “…Uh?"

“C'mon, don't try to deny it. Everybody in the universe has dreamed about dialing this thing. There's lots of cheap imitations all over the multiverse but I swear to the Gigastar that this one's the real deal. The possibilities are endless. You can transmute anything into anything. Yourself. Your love interest. Your house… Giant space bullocks, you could make your wildest fantasies come true. You just have to dial what you want and it's yours!"

That certainly did sound too good to be true to Norman.

“Look, I have no idea if you're telling the truth… It actually kind of sounds scary…" So much power… For someone like Norman who couldn't hurt a fly? That didn't sound fair to him.

“Oh, it's very simple to use. Its software automatically translates itself to whatever language you understand just by holding it. It's idiot-proof!"

“That's not the problem…"

The alien clad in Earthling underwear held the dialer up and looked around the room. “Oh, I can use that plant for another example…"

“There's no need, really…"

“What would happen if this completely unaware, immobile plant would turn into…I dunno… Oh yes, a live breathing gorilla… Those dumb animals resemble your kind, don't they?"

“Wait!"

Alpha started dialing. But as he dialed the alien symbols the alien wasn't pointing the device at the small flowerpot, he was pointing it at Max.

“G - o -…"

Max's muscles swelled. Brown hairs started sprouting all over his arms and legs. His wife beater was stretching… Stretching… Until… Rip! Max's hard pectorals struck straight out! Norman couldn't believe it. The worthless piece of shit was becoming even bigger!

“That's not a plant! That's my human roommate Max!"

“Space seahorse's butthairs! You're for real?! But it has been so silent and still until now?!" Alpha said, genuinely surprised. But his long and thin grey fingers kept dialing out of pure instinct. “…- r - i -… "

Max's ugly face became even uglier, his brow and jawline becoming more primal. His whole body was hairy all over except for his hands, feet, chest, face and buttocks. Speaking of buttocks, these had just ripped his boxers apart, revealing Max's still human genitals.

“Why are you still dialing?!" Norman screamed, both at the transformation and at the revelation of his roommate's cock.

“I can still stop it!" Claimed Alpha. “… - l - l- a." “Whoops, sorry! My fingers have a life of their own sometimes!"

Max's cock got darker and smellier with each letter dialed. And also smaller, that's the thing about apes' dicks.

Max the big gorilla sprawled on Norman's couch stretched his now muscular arms out, yawned loudly and… he kept snoring.

“See? The dialer works." Alpha said.

“You kidding? If Max wasn't such a lazy sleepyhead he'd be freaking out right now…!"

“But the dialer works." Alpha said once again.

It was surreal. A big-ass gorilla sleeping on his couch… And that big-ass gorilla was Max.

Norman got closer to the naked primate. He noticed that Max's tattoos on his arms were still there, imprinted on top of the simian fur. “Is he… Still himself?"

“Of course." Said Alpha. “The dialer really does transmute anything into anything… But… As you can tell, some stuff just can't be changed."

Max's face was brutish, but still resembled his old self if you looked at him close enough.

“Identity… Certain personality and physical traits… In other words, the 'soul' can't be changed, if you're into that kinda spiritual stuff."

“But… The tattoos?"

“It's like I just told you, this gorilla guy must have really identified himself with these tattoos or something."

“Is that the same reason why your underwear is dirty and attracts all sorts of hungry insects?"

“You could say so."

Norman and Alpha sat down in nearby chairs while keeping an eye on Max the gorilla. Norman had a lot to think about.

Alpha handed Norman the powerful dialer. “Remember, you gained the right to spin the dial… Once." Alpha's usually goofy stare was now serious.

“Of course, I screwed things up a bit up by turning your roommate into a big Earthling gorilla, but I can undo that right now, free of charge."

“Actually… There isn't much of a hurry…" Norman stated. “Let him finish his nap for the moment, ok?"

“Sure thing, pal. Let sleeping apes lie."

“Mmm… Alpha?"

“Yes?"

“I've already decided what I want to change."

“Great!" Alpha's eyes widened. “I'm so happy! C'mon, point it at what you want to change and dial the word!"

“Hehe, sure thing…" Norman held the dialer up and turned it on. This time, the holographic symbols used that characters that Norman could understand. But not Alpha.

This meant that Alpha himself wouldn't know what Norman was writing on the text box until the transmutation had finished…

…That certainly gave Norman an advantage.

There were multiple possibilities for Norman to follow…

He could change himself… He could turn himself into anything. It was the perfect opportunity to change his life for the better… He had been a goodie two-shoes all his life. It was time for his just reward!

He could use it to change Max further to give him the scare of his life. That lazy bastard needed a punishment!

Wait, no, that wasn't like him. He should ask Alpha to turn Max back into a human. Then all of them could think calmly about what to do with the dialer…

…But was Alpha trustworthy, anyway? What was he doing on Earth, exactly? And most importantly… Why was he so adamant with Norman using the dialer? Could it be that the little alien is actually not what he claims to be? Should Norman just change the alien into something defenseless and keep the dialer for himself…?

“So, what are you waiting for?" Alpha said with a broad smile.

***

The ape sleeping with its gigantic bare butt staining the leather sofa scratched its balls as it had a wet dream about making out with a trio of hot actresses.

Norman was still shocked about the whole situation. He always thought that Max couldn't be more disgusting, and just now he had become a wild nudist beast!… Oh, there was also an alien from outer space sitting on Norman's recliner.

But Norman was cool about the latter. He had a plan.

“I've decided that I want to change… You, Alpha!"

The alien's cheeks turned blue. Was he blushing? “Aw, you flatter me, Mr. Earthling. But it's not surprising you chose me…" The alien stood up from the recliner and caressed its exposed ribs. “…With me being in this attire and all…"

Norman almost lost his balance. “What?! Hell no! Yuck! That's not the reason at all, you alien perv!"

“Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your secret xenophiliac fantasies…"

“YOU are the one who has weird fantasies!" Norman sighed. “Anyway, how does this thing work…Whoa!"

When Norman turned the dial lots of colorful holographic characters danced around the room majestically until they posed on top of the dialer device.

Norman waved the device around, the characters following his patterns. “Woah, with this thing I could be a hit at parties!"

“Hahaha, silly earthlings. Always awed by the silliest things." The alien who a few minutes ago had been hypnotized by a lamp commented aloud.

Norman pointed the device at Alpha and, after taking a deep breath, began turning the dial.

“T…"

“This is kinda exciting for me too, you know." Alpha said. “I've never been transformed into anything…Well, unless we count my larvae state back when I was born…"

“…O…"

“…So yeah, this is my first time. Don't be too rough…"

“…I…"

“…But this must be a turn on for you as well. I mean, looking at your face, the genital antenna above your mouth has been pointing straight out since we've meet… That must be a good sign…"

“…L - E - T."

Alpha felt his body all tingly. He was getting heavier by the second, his legs fused, breaking the tighty-whities apart in the process. His mouth opened wide forming a gigantic O-shape, but the alien still kept talking with his mouth full.

“Woah…This feels awesome! Let me guess… I can't move so I must be inanimate… I'm too heavy to be a chair… Oh! I know! I'm a throne!"

“Yes, Alpha." Said Norman. “You'll be the biggest throne in the house."

“Hurray! I can't wait for someone to sit on me!" Alpha seemed genuinely happy for the last seconds before his eyes fused to his empty water tank.

A tube came out from the floor and attached itself inside Alpha's anus. The alien gasped, but he figured this was a common function for Earthling thrones, so he just felt pride as the water flowed through him.

Great, now Norman had a giant brown ape AND a toilet in the middle of his living room. He felt bad about lying to the alien, but he needed to immobilize him somehow. He could've turned him into less embarrassing pieces of furniture but he needed him to be bolted to the floor.

Norman put his hand on the toilet. It wasn't porcelain, it actually felt like naked skin… Thank goodness the alien's skin was grey, this was easier to hide.

“Sorry! I'll fix this soon!" Norman said to the sleeping ape and the inanimate toilet before going into his bedroom.

“Why? I feel fresher than a space squid." Gurgled the water from the alien toilet.

Norman looked at the dialer. Holy shit, this thing could blow up the whole world if he wanted to! He had to make sure it never got in the wrong hands and he still hadn't decided if the alien's hands were the right hands so he had decided to disarm Alpha for the moment.

Still… Norman couldn't decide what to do on his own. He was just a yesman to everyone in his life, it's not like he could suddenly make a decision as world-changing as this one.

So he decided to call his friend Alfred. Alfred would know what to do, he was a policeman, his word was literally the law.

Norman put the alien dialer on top of his bed and grabbed his phone from his desk.

“Oh, Norman! How are you?" Alfred's voice asked him.

“I'm fine." Norman answered. “Well, not so fine actually. You see I found this alien…"

“An illegal alien?"

“Yes, I suppose he is. He broke in illegally after all…"

“Holy crap! Are you hurt? How's Max?"

“Oh, he's all naked on the sofa with the alien next to him…"

“Fuck, an illegal alien raped Max?!"

“No, Max has been sleeping through the whole thing so I don't think he'll remember…"

“An illegal alien rapist raped Max after drugging him?!!"

“Look, that's not what matters. The thing is, the alien has given me an artifact from unknown origin that could destroy everything if I'm careless…"

“An illegal alien terrorist rapist raped Max after drugging him and he has given you a weapon of mass destruction?!!!"

“No, it's ok. I accepted it out of courtesy, but it's not like I'm gonna use it for anything bad…"

“I don't doubt that Norman, but seriously, you have to learn to say 'no' for once in your life! You have to make your own decisions… So… Stay wherever you are and don't do anything until I'm there to tell you what to do!"

“Yes, Alfred."

“Good! Seriously, you make me worry sometimes. Don't worry, I'm already on my way!" Alfred hung up.

Norman was so glad. Surely Alfred would fix everything up.

Meanwhile, Max the ape groggily woke up. He had an erection from his wet dream but for some reason his member seemed smaller than before. Weird. He incorporated himself on the couch, and noticed he was naked. Not so weird. He yawned and stretched.

Damn, he had to piss real bad. He stood up but stumbled across a random toilet. That was weird as hell. Why was there a toilet in the middle of the living room? And instead of cold porcelain, it was made of a warm, squishy material… Oh, well.

“Oh, hello there big guy. Did you sleep well?" Gurgled the water inside the toilet.

Maybe it was the drowsiness from having been just woken up or the loss of intelligence from the shrinkage of his brain, but Max just ignored all these occurrences and just pointed his dick at the bowl and let out a stream of foul-smelling piss.

“Owowow! What in the name of the Gigastar is this nasty salutation?!" Screamed Alpha, tasting every single drop that came out from the gorilla's cock.

***

Alpha, the alien who now looked like a toilet made of flesh and blood, demanded to know why the nasty gorilla was spraying his yellow bodily waste all over his beautiful throne-like form but all his cries and shouts were muffled by the symphony of pee impacting against water.

And right after Max the ape had finished squeezing out the reluctant last drops he closed the alien's lid and forgot to flush, as usual. The stench inside the alien's throat was terribly disgusting, not to mention the taste. Considering the alien's line of vision was unfortunately placed on the underside of the lid the alien had been reduced to a blind, immobile and mute inanimate object with really bad breath and a tube up his rectum.

“Gee, if things were to get worse than this I'd even start to suspect that this human guy Norman has played a trick on me." Alpha's voice tried to say through all the piss-drenched water.

Max's huge frame nonchalantly walked over to the kitchen as he wondered why Norman's apartment looked so small now. He opened the fridge and picked up a can of cola before returning to the couch not before leaving a trail of destruction filled with broken lamps and large chunks of the ceiling.

After his phone call Norman came out from his bedroom wondering where all the noises of random destruction were coming from, and got very angry at his naked roommate.

“The hell?! You made a mess of the living room again!"

Max didn't stop drinking from his can and instead replied by showing Norman his ugly simian middle finger. The alien toilet beside them tried desperately to call for help but only a sound not very different from a underwater fart was what came out from the appliance.

The ape's attitude really was pissing Norman off. “Look, a lot of weird stuff is happening today, and the last thing I need now is you acting like your usual jerk-ass self!"

Max crushed his empty cola can and stood up. He stuck his chest out at Norman, as if saying, “You're on." His muscular chest was very intimidating even with his quite small cock and balls sticking out just below.

He left Norman no choice. Sure, he had promised Alfred that he wouldn't do anything with the alien device, but Max was really bullish and his new body only made him more dangerous. Besides, what would be so terrible about just making one more transformation before handing out the device to the authorities?

Norman pointed the dialer at Max, who was kissing his knuckles as if getting ready for a brutal fight. He needed to be fast. Norman dialed for the most powerless thing he could think up in such a short time. The alien device let out a spark and Norman got ready for the hideous change to happen…

…But the change he expected never happened.

“The hell is wrong with his thing?! I used it just like before! Why isn't it doing anything?" Norman held up the device up in the air and shook as if it were a cellphone with no signal.

Max the gorilla let out a sinister laugh and used his muscular arms to pick Norman up by his shirt collar. The little man squirmed.

“Look, I'm sorry! I know I should just stick to my submissive self!" Norman pleaded. “I'm a terrible roommate!"

Max the gorilla laughed again, this time almost out of pity for the pathetic man he was holding like a small dollie.

At the same time, the toilet was using up all the brainpower on his water tank to think about why the device had malfunctioned. “I pray to the star-dolphins Norman hasn't made any phone calls next to the dialer," the alien silently gurgled. “Those pesky human smartphones have a nasty habit of messing up the calibration of the device's targeting system."

While Norman was quite busy receiving the pummeling of his life at the hands of a giant ape, a certain cop was riding an elevator heading to the floor of the former's apartment.

“Damn it Norman… What mess have you gotten into this time?" The cop wondered. Alfred was wearing his standard issued uniform but he wasn't officially on duty, which meant he wasn't carrying any weapons at the moment.

“If it all comes down to violence I'll have to resort to the Taekwondo skills my late father passed down to me!" The story of Alfred's ancestry was at times convoluted, some other times emotional, but always full of thrill-filled action and dramatic encounters. It was the reason Alfred had decided to join the police force. He wanted his life to leave a mark on history just like his ancestors had done.

He adopted a fighting instance just before the elevator doors opened in case any terrorists were to be awaiting his arrival. When they opened, Alfred somersaulted into the hallway and checked the perimeter.

“Okay, all clear… Uh?!" He gasped when he sensed an electric spark shoot out from his pant pocket. He got prepared for the worst but soon realized it had come from his smartphone. “Shit, it must be broken or something, I have no time for these dumb distractions now!" He took it out and threw it into the floor.

Alfred continued his infiltration mission. He hid behind a corner when he saw a girl come out from one of the apartments to take out the trash. She looked a bit pissed because her father wouldn't let her see a popular movie titled Tales of Vomit-Inducing Horror III because she was “too young". Once the girl was out of sight, Alfred continued onwards.

The door to Norman's apartment came to his view. “Okay, I got to be at my sharpest now…" Should he tear down the door by force or knock first…?

But just then Alfred's vision and smell senses warped.

“What's this? Everything's foggy! Could it be poisonous gas…?" Alarm bells started ringing inside Alfred's brain. Every single one of his muscles hurt like hell, specially his strong glutes. He had to endure it for Norman's sake or he wouldn't be worthy of being a hero of justice anymore! But with each step he took towards the door he felt himself sinking lower and lower until the weight of his own uniform was too heavy to carry.

“No! It's not the time to hesitate! I'm so close…!" The strength on his arms and legs vanished entirely and the huge cop fell to the floor with a loud thud. “Agh!" Everything went dark.

“I won't go out without a fight!" The cop told himself with a weak voice. His mouth tasted like shit and his limbs didn't seem to respond, but that wasn't enough to make Alfred lose all his courage. He crawled through the darkness until he found a light at the end of the tunnel.

His sight returned and Alfred kept on crawling. He felt nauseous and the entire hallway looked gigantic to him. He crawled until his form left the police uniform behind. But he still had his police hat on top of him so his nakedness didn't bother him that much.

Alfred had never felt so small. The door to Norman's apartment stood tall and mighty. The cop summoned up all his remaining strength to perform his great-grandfather's secret technique: “Dragon's Fury Groin-Buster Kick", which not only was the ultimate delight of every ballbusting fan but coincidentally it was also a great way of opening up locked doors.

Unfortunately Norman had left the door unlocked and so the resulting momentum from the secret move caused Alfred to summersault all the way through the hallway and into the living room where a giant ape was currently pummeling Norman half to death.

The ape looked at Alfred with a look of genuine confusion on its face. Norman's bloody face did the same.

Alfred's world was currently very blurry and tipsy. He struggled to recover his balance as he tried to make sense of the figures looking straight at him. “Everybody freeze! You have the right to remain silent or…" The figures became clearer. “…Wait, is that an ape?"

“Alfred?" Norman asked after hearing the figure clad in the police hat talk.

“…*Grunt*…?" Max exclaimed, as if asking: “Wait, that thing is a friend of yours?"

“Hey, why's everybody so stupefied? I'm out of the loop here!" Alpha gurgled from the dark. “Can you guys even hear me?"

The cop didn't understand what he was seeing. But he also didn't comprehend why Norman was looking at him that way. Sure, he was only wearing a police hat, but it's not like Norman hadn't seen him naked before. Alfred had forced Norman to massage and wash with a sponge his bare muscles after a hard day's work more than once. “It isn't gay if I'm the only one who's naked." He told Norman over and over. And besides, it's not like his friend was able to say “no" to anyone. But then again he had been feeling increasingly weird since his smartphone had shot that electric spark.

Norman couldn't believe it. The change he had programmed for Max had somehow ended up changing Alfred instead! He remembered with horror the word he had dialed back then:

“B-U-T-T"

The ape burst out a deep simian laugh. Even Norman couldn't resist chuckling a bit at the absurdity before coughing up more blood.

Yes, cop's buff body had been reduced to its own pair of buttocks. That was the new Alfred, two orbs of pink flesh whose anal cavity was gazing at Norman and the ape in utmost confusion.

Alfred tried to restore his sense of authority. “Wherever you terrorists are, you better restrain this ape right now or as a member of the police department I'll have no choice but to shoot it down!" He was just bluffing of course, he didn't have any weapons on him. But it didn't seem to work.

The ape laughed even harder, then smiled at the buttocks as if saying “You're not shooting anything at me unless you're talking about crapping yourself!" Max gave two giant steps forward and the ass a few pathetic waddles backwards in response.

Norman yelled out at Alfred. “There aren't any terrorists here! Just this giant monkey that in fact is Max!"

The hairs on top of Alfred's asshole arched in confusion. “Max? You mean the fat slob that lives at your house? Sure, he was ugly as one but he wasn't a literal ape!"

Those remarks only made the ape more pissed off. He jumped out at the talking ass who acted like a cop and grabbed it in just one of his huge gorilla hands.

“Ugh! Well, now that I see it up close it sure does look like Max…"

The ape grunted loudly. Its most primal and animalistic side was coming out, and that particular side wanted to rip those two cheeks apart from each other.

Norman looked with utmost horror as his asshole friend was in the process of being squeezed out like peas by the fingers of his slobby roommate. “No, Max, stop! Leave Alfred alone! He may look like a butt right now but he's a good guy!"

“I look like a wha-…?" Alfred barely had time to process that information before Max stomped him against the floor and promptly began punching his cheeks like they were a pair of bongos. “Aw! Ow! Aw! Ow! Aw! Ow…!"

The hole that acted as both Alfred's single eye and mouth yelled at the ape. “Stop it right now if you don't want me to use my secret Taekwondo skills on you!" Then the buttcheeks began to fruitlessly give small kicks into the air. “Wha-?… What happened to my legs?! My arms?!" The ass twisted around, trying to feel itself. “Why are the cheeks on my face so…wobbly…?"

As if trying to help him realize what he was, the ape took out his middle finger, licked it a bit, and then inserted it without hesitation into Alfred's asshole.

“UGHHHMMMMM!!!"

That sensation… No doubt about it. He was being raped anally… by the face!

Norman's remark suddenly made a lot of sense.

“(Is this the reason my breath tastes like shit…?)" He wondered.

Max was fingering Alfred looking for something in particular, and finally he found it.

“(…No! That's my…!)"

The ape rapidly smashed the butt's prostate like it was nothing.

“No! Alfred!" Cried Norman with this painful sight burning into his eyes.

Max left the pitiful buttocks fall into the floor. Alfred's cheeks were tainted red and full of saliva and sweat. And his hole…

“(My hole feels like it's burning! Oh shit…This is the lowest I can fall into…! It's… over. Sorry, Norman. I was a failure as a policeman…)"

The police hat on top of Alfred ominously fell off from him.

“ALFREEEED!" Norman couldn't believe it. His best friend had received the ultimate pummeling and humiliation ever possible in life… And it was all his fault!

Max pounded his own chest and spat at the lifeless buttocks. Then it turned towards Norman, who gulped…

…

…

…

“Alfred…"

“Alfred, wake up, my great-grandson…"

“Ugh…What…" The butt woke up to find itself shrouded in darkness… Except for a bright light on the horizon. “Could it be… Master Choi himself…? Oh, great-grandfather… How I have failed you…"

That was it. He was dead. He'd join his great-grandfather in heaven for the rest of eternity, forever shaped in the form of a pair of buttocks so the rest of his ancestry could laugh at his ridiculous cause of death until the end of time itself…

“…Why that gloomy face?"

“Isn't it obvious? I'm dead and… I'm not even sure I even have a face anymore…" Alfred replied in defeat.

The light on the horizon began to laugh and fly around the black sky. “Nah, you're not dead. You're just having an hallucination from the anal pummeling you just took!"

“Oh…" Alfred replied. If he was honest, he'd rather be dead than living with such a humiliation tormenting him for the rest of his life…

“You see, there's nothing wrong about stimulating your prostate, but if done improperly you can see stars! Like me!" The light bounced happily. “There's no need to be embarrassed. You see, I had the same thing happen to me after playing too much with a huge dildo. It was beautifully-crafted… It looked like a glorious asian dragon!"

“I… don't think I wanted to know that, gramps…"

“Oh! Sorry about that. It's not like I can present myself in hallucinations every day! It's boring up in heaven! Why don't you hallucinate more often?"

The butt sighed. “And here I thought you were going to give me a useful epiphany or something…"

“Oh! Epiphanies? Those are easy to make. You're having trouble with Max, right?" The light asked.

“Yeah. But for some reason I can't understand he's an ape and I'm a butt. I can't win like this! It's an extremely unfair fight!"

“Unfair fight? Deep down, Max is still a fat slob, and a proudly heterosexual one at that…" The light flew closer to Alfred. “He has no chance against us!"

“…Because of the blood we have on our veins?"

“Of course not… It's because we're a bunch of narcissistic metrosexuals!"

It was true. Alfred's strength never depended on some stupid family legacy. The reason he was always so fucking full of himself was how damn sexy he was!

“That's right!" Alfred yelled. “That's the secret! It doesn't matter how I look, as long as I believe in my sexyness nothing can wrong!"

The light danced. “Aww, yeah! Now we're talking! Not bad for a pair of muscular glutes like you!"

Alfred's buttcheeks blushed in self-admiration. “Well, you're aren't that bad for a speck of light in the air either!"

“Awww!" The light turned pink. “Damn, now I'm starting to get a boner!"

“You're welcome, stud!" The butt said, the will of fighting on finally returning to his voice.

“Oh… The hallucination is going to end now." The light started to vanish. “But don't worry! I'll be waiting in the depths of your rectum until your next call! Go get them, you tiger's asshole!"

…

…

…

Norman's furious pummeling came to an abrupt end when the ape heard a strong-willed voice.

“Hey, you filthy monkey!"

Max turned around to see Alfred standing up, once again wearing his police hat on top of him.

“Why don't you pick on someone the size of your own gorilla butt?!"

Max smiled. He didn't know why the butt suddenly seemed so courageous, but he sure was ready for a second round.

The gorilla jumped straight at the butt, but just as he was about to grasp it, Alfred quickly waddled between the ape's legs.

“Butt's Fury Groin-Buster Kick!!!"

It was very painful to see, and much more to actually feel it. The strong glutes had rendered Max's babymakers completely useless. Max fell to the floor, crying in agony.

“I can't believe it! Alfred still rocks!" The bloody Norman cried in joy.

“That's what happens when you piss off a butt, bastard!"

The gorilla tried to crawl away from the ass warrior, but Alfred still had his cheeks firmly closing on his balls.

“Hey! Where do you think you're going?! Once you leave this apartment you'll never have the occasion to see a butt as beautiful as me again! It would be a pity if you left me blue-balled!"

Max's eyes opened in shock when he felt lips on the tip of his penis. But they weren't lips, it was Alfred's asshole mouth!

“Mmmm, yeah, your little monkey dick is getting hard… And you call yourself straight?"

Max's face turned red. It was enough. He didn't want to be in this fucking apartment full of lunatics anymore. He broke free from Alfred and ran off the front door leaving a faint trail of destruction behind him.

“(Who knows…)" Thought Max with hope. “( …Now that I look like a gorilla maybe I can get a free cage and food at the city zoo…I'd rather be an ape than a fag!)"

Norman and Alfred jumped in celebration. “We did it! We did it!"

“Finally! Max's won't cause any more trouble!"

The butt's hairy asshole gaped in joy. “And best of all, we learned a valuable lesson… That I'm DAMN sexy in whatever form I take!"

“Yeah!" Norman replied. “And I learned that, once in a while, it's ok to say “no" to every request!"

The butt noticed he was still dirty and sweaty from the fight. “Norman, quit blabbering already and bring the sponge. You have to wash me."

“Yes, sir." Norman obeyed as submissive as ever.

***

While Norman gave Alfred his well-earned sponge bath, the local TV gave a special news broadcast. Apparently they had found an extremely fat ape with strange tattoos on its arms sleeping on a bench in the park. The gorilla was tame and compliant, even though it seemed reluctant to stop covering its junk in public.

“Yeah, we had no idea where it came from, but we're in the process of transporting it to the zoo. It'll be treated with very good care…" The animal control person being interviewed suddenly took a grim face. “…But I've never seen an ape this fat despite its height… Not to mention its small genitalia… What's more, it acts like a spoiled human child rather than a grown-up gorilla. I have the impression the other male gorillas are going to give him a very hard time…"

“Good to know everything is turning out great for everyone!" The butt said. Norman was drying off the asshole with a towel. “Yeah, don't forget to wipe my crack, my asshole itches… By the way, you said my transformation was caused by an alien device, right?"

“It's true, but… I've tried using it again and it doesn't work at all… It's like it's ran out of juice or something…"

“Maybe my smartphone had something to do with it? I remember dropping it somewhere. In any case I don't mind living like this. I can be the first butt officer in history! There's absolutely no downsides to being a butt…!" Then Alfred gulped. “Ugh…!"

“What is it?" Norman asked Alfred, but he seemed reluctant to stop clenching his hole.

“I think… I think I need to… Take a shit…."

“Fuck!" Norman exclaimed in surprise. He grabbed Alfred in a hurry so he wouldn't crap all over the floor.

“I can't hold it in any longer…!" Alfred cried out as he tasted something smelly coming out from his throat.

Alpha's vision suddenly returned. His voice filled the room with glee. “Phew! Finally you opened my lid! I thought you had forgotten about me! You see, I've been tasting piss for like… Wait… Is that a… Wait! No! No, no, no, no! For the glory of the Gigastar, NOOOOOOOOOO!"

EPILOGUE

“Dad, look what I found!" Said Chloe happily holding a brand-new smartphone on her hand.

“I've told you again and again, Chloe… Don't pick up random junk from the trash! Who knows whose asshole it was from!" Replied her drunk father without looking away from the TV. “And didn't I tell you to clean up your room?"

“But…! Fine, whatever! I'll keep it for myself if you don't want it!" She stuck her tongue out.

She was about to leave the living room when an interesting ad came on TV.

“He was just a regular guy living in a regular world. But then he felt an itch crawling from below his skin… And it started to fall off! Be ready to lose the very surface of what makes you human in… Tales of Vomit-Inducing Horror III: The Unskinning!"

“(I wish I could go see that movie… But my dad still treats me like a child…! Wait, maybe it has already leaked on the internet? Let's check…)"

Chloe searched for the title of the movie on the smartphone she had just found laying around and the phone sparked a tiny bit of static electricity in the direction of his dad, but he didn't even notice it. Weird. She then headed to her bedroom and kept fiddling with it.

“I don't know why she wants to see that movie that much… It looks completely disgusting." Chloe's dad murmured as he chugged down on more beer.

But then he felt an itch crawling from below his skin…